PI collaboration – Bryan Willis – May 26, 2009
Contact
Bryan Willis
Northwest Playwrights Alliance
P.O. Box 1088
McCleary, WA 98557
360/754-2818
willis@olynet.com
Characters:
Cast of 7 or 8 women or men
Denny Crumback – P.I. reporter
Bailey – P.I. editor
Chorus – group of 19th century explorers from the Press Expedition
Jan— charter member of the Joe Adcock Fan Club
Lights up on a group of five men packing their what looks like a ton
of gear: guns, snowshoes, food, utensils. And if the big grant comes
through be sure to add three dogs and some mules. CHRISTIE takes
photographs throughout.
HAYES
(Headline:)
Seattle Press Sponsors Modern-Day Adventurers
J. H. CRUMBACK
Press Expedition Boldly Ventures into Unknown Olympic Wilderness
SIMS
Dateline, Dec. 6, 1889. Seattle.
BARNES
They were described as having an “Abundance of grit and manly vim.”
J.H. CRUMBACK
They would need it because they had chosen to tackle an unknown wilderness at the
onset of winter.
BARNES
A winter they had no reason to suspect would be one of the harshest ever recorded in the
Pacific Northwest.
HAYES
As a further hindrance, they were burdened by their own misconception of what they
would need to survive.
CHRISTIE
They over-packed.
HAYES
They grossly over-packed.
BARNES
They carried, quite literally, a ton of goods.
Additional lights on a 1989 “P.I.” editor’s desk occupied by BAILEY.
A young reporter, DENNY CRUMBACK, stands nearby.
BARNES
Would you like to hear a little song about all the gear we’re takin’!
BAILEY
No.
DENNY CRUMBACK
Yes!
ALL FIVE EXPLORERS
(Help, I need a lyricist!)
“Sing a little song about all the gear they’re takin’: snowshoes, guns, mules,
dogs, Bacon, beans, tent, grease, flour, coffee, ammo, canvas sheets, blankets,
oilskin, Rubber boots, axes, fishing gear, photographic equipment, mules, dogs, a
boat”—
BAILEY
Stop!
They stog singin’.
DENNY
Wait there’s one more thing.
SIMS
The fireworks.
HAYES
The fireworks!
J. H. CRUMBACK
(Sings a poetic line about)
“50 lbs. of “colored fire” with which to illuminate, on a specific date, a peak visible from
Seattle.”
DENNY
That’s my great grandfather’s uncle. J.H. Crumback.
J.H. CRUMBACK waves to BAILEY.
BAILEY
And our readers in Kirkland will care about his because…?
DENNY
I’m sorry?
BAILEY
Who gives a rip? Forget it.
DENNY
But this is the 100th anniversary. The Press Expedition. Sponsored by a Seattle paper.
Five men going out into hitherto unexplored territory. Tough, rugged, fact-finding men.
OK, they were a little naïve.
BAILEY
Stupid.
DENNY
Overly optimistic. And scrappy. Out there, getting dirty, putting their lives on the line.
Tough, but you know, open to discovery. Doing whatever it takes to Get That Story.
BAILEY
And as my ten-year-old likes to say (eyore imitation) “Nobody cares.”
DENNY
That’s my great grandfather’s uncle, J.H. Crumback.
J.H. CRUMBACK waves to BAILEY.
DENNY
Vintage Northwest newspaper guy: tough, scrappy. Unstoppable.
The CHORUS hums a collective note.
BAILEY
…This means a lot to you.
DENNY
It certainly does.
BAILEY
I can see this man is your hero.
DENNY
Yes sir. I’ve got some terrific photos.
BAILEY
Tell you what, Crumback.
DENNY
Yeah?
BAILEY
I’ll see if we have room for it.
DENNY CRUMBACK
You will?
BAILEY
If there’s room.
CHORUS HUMS.
TITLES ON SCREEN:
“Today in History: Press Expedition leaves Seattle to explore the Olympics.”
CHORUS HUMS.
A moment.
DENNY
That’s it? Eight words in “Today in History”?
CHORUS
(Sings.)
“Seven Years Earlier.”
DENNY
Can I have a word with you?
BAILEY
Make it quick.
DENNY
As much as I enjoy the obits and “Today in History”?
BAILEY
OK.
DENNY
I heard the drama guy quit and you’re looking for an in-house hire.
BAILEY
Maybe.
DENNY
I studied theater in college. I translated some plays.
BAILEY
oboy.
DENNY
Maybe I could be one of those working critics. You know, somebody who Loves theater
because, well, because I’ve done it. I appreciate it.
BAILEY
All right.
DENNY
And that doesn’t mean I’m going to be one of those know-it-all, Look-at-me, I hate
everything, I’m so clever kinda guys.
BAILEY
You love everything.
DENNY
Not at all. But I love theater. And the potential. I mean “Critic for the P.I.” In this
town? That job has so much—
BAILEY
Potential.
DENNY
Right.
BAILEY
Sort of a symbiotic thing. Your criticism feeds the playwright. This inspires the
playwright to create work with a lasting artistic resonance.
DENNY
Uh-huh.
BAILEY
Like a Michael Feingold or Eric Bentley.
DENNY
Exactly.
BAILEY
And let me guess. You want me to read your adaptation.
DENNY
No.
BAILEY
Is it Russian?
DENNY
Romanian. The first act. The second is Japanese but—
BAILEY
No thank you.
DENNY
There’s a new play at the Group Theater. And it’s brilliant, really.
BAILEY
I’m sure it is.
DENNY
OK, I didn’t understand every little bit of it. I mean sometimes it’s confounding, but oh
my god, it just carried me away. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. Which is the long way
around for saying I want to go back tonight and see it again. And then I know, I know I
can write a great review.
The CHORUS hums.
BAILEY
Excuse me. (Dials.)
DENNY
Sir?
BAILEY
(On the phone.)
Yeah, Adcock? …I need a new drama guy. How’d you like a promotion? …Gardening,
Drama, what’s the difference? Weren’t you in the skit at the company party?
DENNY
“Sketch.” It’s called a “sketch.”
BAILEY
(Points his finger at DENNY as he continues.)
Yeah, the giant tomato! Love that…Great, OK…you know, I could give a rip about your
feature on geraniums, get your ass down to the Group Theater and write a review. On my
desk tomorrow morning…Thank you! And Adcock (To DENNY.) How did you describe
that play? (Holds up the receiver for DENNY.)
DENNY
(Into the receiver.)
“Brilliant. At times confounding. I didn’t always understand it but I couldn’t take my
eyes off it.”
BAILEY
(Takes the receiver.)
Yeah, it’s me. Listen, don’t ever use any of those terms in your reviews. Ever. Right.
Just try not to sound like an idiot, OK?…Thank You!
CHORUS hums.
TITLES ON SCREEN:
“New Play at Group Theater – Mildly Amusing”
DENNY
What?
CHORUS
(Sings.)
“Fifteen Years Later.”
BAILEY
Crumback?! Get in here.
DENNY
Right here, boss.
BAILEY
I send you to Olympia for one little story and—
JAN stands up. She (or he) is, by all appearances, a member of the Audience.
No lights, please.
JAN
Excuse me. Sorry. What the fuck just happened right there, that’s so, that’s totally
inaccurate and I can’t, fuck, that’s so offensive. I mean you’re talking about a man’s life
here, you know? And Joe Adcock, he fucking loved theater. He went to shows like,
three times a week for years, for fucking Years. And to fringe stuff, too, even to shit like
this. And why? Because he loved theater, he fucking loved theater. And this whole
myth about him working in the gardening section is just, it’s bullshit. He was a critic,
OK? He was hired by the P.I. to be a fucking drama critic. And just because a bunch of
pissed off actors make up this story about the “gardening section,” that’s bullshit. This is
this man’s life, all right? I mean c’mon. It’s not like he can defend himself. (To the
Audience.) And I’m sorry. I’m not sorry. I’m sorry for the interruption. Sorry.
HAYES
(S/he’s) got a point.
SIMS
Yep.
BARNES
I told you guys. What did I say?
HAYES
Yeah.
JAN
(Still in the Audience.)
Say what you want about his writing, but he didn’t come from the fucking garden section.
CHRISTIE
OK!
HAYES
“Say what you want about his writing.”
SIMS
…He was…unencumbered my imagination or wit.
BAILEY
Hmm.
CHRISTIE
A formulaic hack?
BAILEY
Accurate but mean.
DENNY
A formulaic hack terrified of taking intellectual or creative risks who dedicated a career
to mediocrity at a critical time when a better writer could have helped to develop a more
discerning and appreciative audience?
BARNES
…Let’s stick with unencumbered by imagination or wit. And a nice guy. Really nice,
caring man.
They all agree and then sing:
CHORUS
“Fifteen Years Later.”
DENNY
(To Audience)
I’m sorry. We missed a little transition about me going to Olympia to cover the
legislature.
BAILEY
Crumback, get in here!
CHORUS provides inspiring back-up humming throughout this monologue.
DENNY
(To the Audience.)
So it’s 1997 and I’m down in Olympia covering Paul Allen’s attempt to get the state to
pony up $300,000,000 for a new football stadium and the Speaker of the House, Clyde
Ballard has just finished a press conference declaring the bill, “dead in the water.” So
I’m standing outside the republican caucus, standing there with the Speaker’s main
lawyer, and I say, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t that stadium been declared ‘dead
in the water’ at least eight times since January? What do you think is going to happen?”
And then he predicts the exact vote, 65-33, and he says, “I may be off by one or two
votes, but I doubt it. I could tell you who’s going to vote which way, too. But I won’t.”
One month later the thing passes 65-33 but it has a little trouble in the Senate. In fact, it’s
so close that Bud Coffee, the former lobbyist from Boeing, the hired gun Paul Allen has
leading his 5-million dollar lobbying team, signals to the little weasel taking the vote, Lt.
Gov. Brad Owen. Coffee is standing In the Wings of Senate Floor and signals Owen to
Delay the Vote because one of his senators is in the can. A lobbyist. Signaling the Lt.
Governor. So what does Brad Owen do, he waits until the senator returns, Coffee sees
he’ll have enough votes, gives Owen the OK, and Owen takes the vote. And then Coffee
has the audacity to turn to me and brag about it. And when I ask Brad Owen to confirm
he said, “Yes, I took the signal. I mean it happens, but not that often.” OK. This is
essentially a five million dollar bribe by one of the richest men in the world and what’s
the pay-off? $300,000,000.
Extra-Inspiring backup humming.
And this, this story is the stuff of Pulitzers. Get the facts, tell the truth, ruffle some
feathers. Am I willing to have Paul Allen hate my guts? Yes I am. Here’s Brad Owen,
little weasel, Exposed. Deer in the Headlights. OK, mixed metaphor. I’m going with the
weasel. And everyone who reads this story is going to know about the bi-partisan slime
that’s stealing $300,000,000 of your money. That’s the P.I. That’s hard-hitting. That’s
the tell-it-like-it-is journalism that made this paper great!
DENNY shakes hands with the CHORUS.
TITLES ON SCREEN:
“SCORE ONE FOR ALLEN AS SENATE PASSES STADIUM!”
DENNY
What?!
CHORUS
(Sings.)
“Twelve Years Later.”
DENNY
(To the Audience.)
Now I cover high school sports.
BAILEY
(Reading copy.)
Not bad. Not bad at all.
DENNY
Thanks.
BAILEY
This section here.
DENNY
Yeah?
BAILEY
Very concise. But readable. And that’s a good quote.
DENNY
Thanks.
BAILEY
You’ve been here a long time, haven’t you?
DENNY
Twenty-seven years.
BAILEY
Twenty-seven years.
DENNY
Seen a lot of changes. Lot of people come and go.
DENNY
Yeah.
BAILEY
Ever think you might want to cover the M’s?
DENNY
Cover the M’s? Waka-Yes-U! Of course.
BAILEY
Don’t ever use that word again. Ever.
DENNY
Waka-Yes—
BAILEY
Just Yes or No. That’s good.
DENNY
Yes!
Chorus hums.
BAILEY
OK, well how about a feature on the Kid?
DENNY
On Junior? Great. ‘Cause see, I’ve got this whole theory. I mean when he first came up,
I loved him as much as everybody. How could you not? Father, son, back-to-back
homers. Plus senior’s one of my all-time favorites, you know, just hard-working, team
player, find-a- way-to-win champion.
BAILEY
Just like the Kid.
DENNY
That’s the thing, you look at those teams in the ‘90s and wonder how such great teams
could be such losers and then you realize—Griffey, Edgar, Buhner, Tino, Alex, they were
all trying to hit home runs. And they did, but even so, they stunk.
BAILEY
Until the Kid turned them around.
DENNY
Until ’95 when the Kid got injured, sat out over half the season and the rest of the team
started playing baseball. They went from sub-500 perennial losers to division champs.
And then Griffey’s back for the play-offs and he’s all, “This team’s going to ride my
back.” That’s what he said on the way to Baltimore. “They’re going to ride my back.”
Then hit .133.
BAILEY picks up the phone, makes a call.
DENNY
What’d he play, half a season in Safeco? Next thing you know he works a trade to the
second tiniest stadium in history and what does he do there: the Reds go from being a
hot, young 90+win team to sub-500 losers. For the next nine. Nine Years! How’s this
for a headline: “Team Cancer Traded to Cincinnati – M’s Win Historic 116 Games!”
BAILEY picks up the phone, makes a call.
DENNY
The Reds finally unload him to Chicago where he goes all Mendoza on the White Sox.
But not before ending his misery with the Reds by giving a goodbye, on-camera throat
slash to the media. Darling. And now he’s back, “The House that Griffey Built.” He
can’t run, he can field, he’s going to clog up the #4 slot until the M’s realize, guess what,
they really are better off without him. Again. I could do a “House that Randy Built” or
more accurately, “The House that Lou built,” or we could go all taboo and do some
research along the lines of, other than Jason Giambi, how many guys do you know that
get diverticulitis and man-boobs in their early their 30s, hang out in a clubhouse with
David Segui, bulk up like a sausage and hit 50 home runs? And then miss over 700
games due to assorted, weird, ongoing injuries? Hmm, what do you suppose might cause
all that? It’ll be curious, won’t it, to see if the Reds, now that he’s gone, can go back to
winning.
BAILEY ends his phone conversation.
DENNY
Here’s the story: Seattle was so desperate for a sports hero, they canonized this steroid
injecting, cancerous, non-interview giving, pampered, selfish brat for decades. Why not
save it for a real hero, like Gary Payton, or heaven forbid, August Wilson?
A moment.
BAILEY
Are you finished?
DENNY
I’m afraid so, yes.
A moment.
BAILEY
We have to make some more cut-backs. In every department.
DENNY
I know.
BAILEY
Of course you do.
DENNY
OK.
A moment.
BAILEY
…People want to take their kid to the park and see Griffey hit it over Smith Tower.
DENNY
He’s a lefty.
BAILEY
That’s not the point.
DENNY
What’s the point?
BAILEY
Watching the man play center field was a thing of beauty. A thing of extraordinary
beauty.
DENNY
That’s true.
BAILEY
I.E.S.
DENNY
I’m sorry.
BAILEY
(Whispers.)
It’s Entertainment, Stupid.
DENNY
Ah. Of course. Somehow I didn’t, you know…I never really picked up on that.
BAILEY
Now you know.
DENNY
Now I know.
HEADLINE: “The Kid Returns – Leads M’s in All-Star Ballot”
DENNY
Sweet. He’s batting .194
BAILEY
I said are you done?
DENNY
Yes.
BAILEY
…One thing. A possibility.
DENNY
Uh-huh.
BAILEY
Think you can Twitter?
DENNY looks to his ancestor in the CHORUS.
They Hum.
Fade to black.