P.I. Collaboration
Contact
Bryan Willis
Northwest Playwrights Alliance
P.O. Box 1088
McCleary, WA 98557
360/754-2818
willis@olynet.com
Characters:
Cast of 6 or 7 women or men
Denny – P.I. reporter
Bailey – P.I. editor
Chorus – group of 19th century explorers from the Press Expedition
Lights up on five men packing what looks like a ton of gear: guns,
snowshoes, food, utensils. CHRISTIE takes photos throughout.
HAYES
(Headline:)
Seattle Press Sponsors Modern-Day Adventurers
J. H. CRUMBACK
Press Expedition Boldly Ventures into Unknown Olympic Wilderness
SIMS
Dateline, Dec. 6, 1889. Seattle.
BARNES
They were described as having an “Abundance of grit and manly vim.”
J.H. CRUMBACK
They would need it because they had chosen to tackle an unknown wilderness at the
onset of winter.
BARNES
A winter they had no reason to suspect would be one of the harshest ever recorded in the
Pacific Northwest.
HAYES
As a further hindrance, they were burdened by their own misconception of what they
would need to survive.
CHRISTIE
They over-packed.
HAYES
They grossly over-packed.
BARNES
They carried, quite literally, a ton of goods.
Additional lights on a 1989 “P.I.” editor’s desk occupied by BAILEY.
A young reporter, DENNY, stands nearby.
BARNES
Would you like to hear a little song about all the gear we’re takin’!
BAILEY
No.
DENNY
Yes!
ALL FIVE EXPLORERS sing a little song—lyrics by Dawson & Paul, thanks!
BAILEY
That’s enough, thank you.
DENNY
What about the fireworks?
SIMS
The fireworks!
ALL but Bailey
The fireworks!
J. H. CRUMBACK
(Sings a poetic line about)
50 lbs. of “colored fire” with which to illuminate a peak visible from Seattle.”
BAILEY
And our readers in Kirkland will care about this because…?
DENNY
It’s the
anniversary. The Press Expedition. Think of it: a Seattle paper
sponsors five men venturing out to the Unknown: “They were tough, rugged,
perhaps a little naïve.”
100th
BAILEY
Stupid.
DENNY
Overly optimistic. And scrappy. Out there, putting their lives on the line. Doing
whatever it takes to Get That Story.
The CHORUS hums a collective note.
BAILEY
You’re looking to write historical features?
DENNY
That and everything else. I’m ready to ask the tough questions. I want to write
Northwest stories.
BAILEY
You’re gonna be the young Sam Clemens of the Northwest.
DENNY
Exactly. What do you think?
BAILEY
I’ll see if we have room for it.
DENNY
You will?
BAILEY
If there’s room.
CHORUS HUMS. TITLES ON SCREEN: “Today in History: Press
Expedition leaves Seattle to explore the Olympics.”
DENNY
…That’s it? Eight words in “Today in History”?
CHORUS
(Sings.)
“Seven Years Earlier.”
DENNY
Can I have a word with you?
BAILEY
Make it quick.
DENNY
As much as I enjoy the obits and “Today in History”?
BAILEY
OK.
DENNY
I heard the drama guy quit and you’re looking for an in-house hire.
BAILEY
Maybe.
DENNY
I studied theater in college. I translated some plays.
BAILEY
oboy.
DENNY
I could be one of those working critics. You know, somebody who Loves theater
because, well, because I’ve done it. I appreciate it.
BAILEY
All right.
DENNY
Not that I’m one of those know-it-all, I-hate-everything, I’m-so-clever kinda guys.
BAILEY
You love everything.
DENNY
I love Theater. And the potential. I mean “Critic for the P.I.” In this town? That job
has so much—
BAILEY
Potential.
DENNY
Right.
BAILEY
Sort of a symbiotic thing. Your criticism feeds the playwright. This inspires the
playwright to create work with lasting artistic resonance.
DENNY
That’s my review! Here, this is for a new play at The Group Theater. And it’s
brilliant, really. The play, I mean.
BAILEY
I’m sure it is.
DENNY
OK, I didn’t understand every line. I mean some of it was (gives “over my head”
gesture), but oh my god, I just couldn’t take my eyes off it. Which is the long way
around for saying I want to go back and see it again.
The CHORUS hums.
BAILEY
Excuse me. (Dials.)
DENNY
Sir?
BAILEY
(On the phone.)
Yeah, Adcock? …I need a new drama guy. How’d you like a promotion? …Gardening,
Drama, what’s the difference? Weren’t you in the skit at the company party?
DENNY
“Sketch.” It’s called a “sketch.”
BAILEY
(Points his finger at DENNY as he continues.)
Yeah, the giant tomato! Love that…Great, you know, I could give a rip about your
feature on geraniums, get your ass down to the Group Theater and write a review. On my
desk tomorrow morning…Thank you! And Adcock (To DENNY.) How did you describe
that play? (Holds up the receiver for DENNY.)
DENNY
(Into the receiver.)
“Brilliant. At times confounding. I didn’t always understand it but I couldn’t take my
eyes off it.”
BAILEY
(Takes the receiver.)
You hear that? Don’t ever use any of those terms in your reviews. Ever. Right. Just
try not to sound like an idiot, Thank You!
CHORUS hums. TITLES: “New Play at Group Theater – Mildly Amusing”
DENNY
What?
HAYES
Horrible news! Two mules died, we’re out of soap, and most of our colored fired got
wet and had to be-BAILEY
Denny?! Get in here!
CHORUS
(Sings.)
“Fifteen Years Later.”
DENNY
Right here, boss.
BAILEY
I send you to Olympia for one little story and—
In an ideal world, this character appears as an Audience member. However,
the monologue can also be delivered by a member of the CHORUS:
CHRISTIE
Excuse me. Sorry. That crap about Joe Adcock is so totally inaccurate and I can’t,
I mean you’re talking about a man’s life here, you know? Joe Adcock fucking loved
theater. He went to shows like, three times a week for fucking years. And to fringe
stuff, even shit like this. Because he loved it, fucking loved it. And this whole myth
about him transferring from the Garden Section is just, it’s bullshit. He was a
critic, OK? The P.I. hired him as a drama critic. And just because a bunch of
pissed off actors make up this story about the “gardening section,” that’s bullshit.
This is this man’s life, all right? I mean c’mon. It’s not like he can defend himself.
(To the Audience.) I’m sorry. I’m not sorry. I’m sorry for the interruption.
BARNES
I told you guys. What did I say?
HAYES
Yep.
CHRISTIE
Say what you want about his writing; he didn’t come from the fucking garden
section.
HAYES
Oh, so we can “say what we want” about his writing?
SIMS
Fire away.
HAYES
He was…unencumbered my imagination or wit.
CRUMBACK
Hmm.
HAYES
A formulaic hack?
CRUMBACK
Accurate but mean.
SIMS
A formulaic hack terrified of taking intellectual or creative risks who dedicated a career
to mediocrity at a critical time when a better writer could have helped to develop a more
discerning and appreciative audience?
BARNES
…Let’s stick with “unencumbered by imagination or wit.” And a nice guy. Really nice,
caring man.
They all agree and then sing:
CHORUS
“Fifteen Years Later.”
CHRISTIE
Sorry to interrupt.
BAILEY
Denny, get in here!
CHORUS provides inspiring back-up humming throughout this monologue.
DENNY
(To the Audience.)
So I’m down in Olympia covering Paul Allen’s attempt to get the state to cough up three
hundred mill for a new football stadium and the Speaker of the House has just declared
the whole deal “dead in the water.” Again. So I’m standing outside the republican
caucus with the Speaker’s lawyer and I say, “Hasn’t that stadium been declared ‘dead in
the water’ eight times since January? What’s going to happen?” And he says, “It
passes 65-33; I may be off one or two votes, but I doubt it. I could tell you who’s going
to vote which way, too. But I won’t.” One month later it passes 65-33 but gets stuck in
the Senate. In fact, it’s so close that Bud Coffee, the hired gun Paul Allen has leading his
$5,000,000 lobbying team, actually stops the senate vote. He’s In the Wings of the
Senate Floor and signals the Lt. Governor to Delay the Vote because one of his senators
is in the can. A lobbyist. Signaling the Lt. Governor. Sure enough, the Lt. Governor
waits until the senator returns, gets the OK from Coffee, and then takes the vote. And
then Coffee has the audacity to brag about it. And when we ask Lt. Weasel Brad Owen
to confirm he says, “Yes, I took the signal. I mean it happens, but not that often.” OK.
This is essentially a five million dollar bribe by one of the richest men in the world and
what’s his pay-off? $300,000,000.
Extra-Inspiring backup humming.
That’s the P.I. Get the facts, tell the truth, ruffle some feathers. Are we willing to
have Paul Allen hate our guts? Yes we are. Are we scared of Brad Owen? (not
scared:) ooooo. And now the world’s going to know about the bi-partisan slime
stealing $300,000,000 of Your Money. That’s the P.I. That’s hard-hitting. That’s
the tell-it-like-it-is journalism that made this paper great!
DENNY shakes hands with the CHORUS. They prepare to light fireworks.
TITLES: “SCORE ONE FOR ALLEN AS SENATE PASSES STADIUM!”
DENNY
What?!
BAILEY
It was too long. Didn’t want to upset the advertisers.
CHORUS
(Forget the fireworks; they sing:)
“Twelve Years Later.”
DENNY
(To the Audience.)
They moved me to high school sports.
BAILEY
(Reading copy.)
Not bad. Not bad at all.
DENNY
Thanks.
BAILEY
This section here.
DENNY
Yeah?
BAILEY
Very concise. But readable. And that’s a good quote.
DENNY
Thanks.
BAILEY
You’ve been here a long time, haven’t you?
DENNY
Twenty-seven years.
BAILEY
Twenty-seven years. Seen a lot of changes. Lot of people come and go.
DENNY
Yeah.
BAILEY
Ever think you might want to cover the M’s?
DENNY
Cover the M’s? Waka-Yes-U! Of course.
BAILEY
Don’t ever use that word again. Ever.
DENNY
Waka-Yes—
BAILEY
Just Yes or No. That’s good.
DENNY
Yes!
Chorus hums—they prepare to light what’s left of the fireworks.
BAILEY
OK, well how about a feature on The Kid?
DENNY
On Junior? Great. ‘Cause see, I’ve got this whole theory. I mean when he first came up,
I loved him; how could you not? Father/son; back-to-back homers. Plus senior’s one of
my all-time favorites: hard-working, team player-BAILEY
Just like the Kid.
DENNY
That’s the thing, you look at those teams in the ‘90s and wonder how such great teams
could be such losers and then you realize—Griffey, Edgar, Buhner, Tino, Alex, they were
all trying to hit home runs. And they did, but even so, they stunk.
BAILEY
Until the Kid turned them around.
DENNY
Until ’95 when the Kid got injured, sat out half the season and the rest of the team started
playing baseball. They went from perennial losers to division champs.
BAILEY picks up the phone, makes a call.
DENNY
He ought to have an asterisk next to his name: “*Most home runs in teeny tiny
stadiums.” What’d he play, half a season in Safeco? Next thing you know he works a
trade to the second tiniest stadium in history and what does he do there: the Reds go
from being a hot, young 90+win team to sub-500 losers. For the next nine years. How’s
this for a headline: “Team Cancer Traded to Cincinnati – M’s Win Historic 116 Games!”
BAILEY picks up the phone, makes a call. CHORUS can’t get those
Fireworks started.
DENNY
And that on-camera, goodbye throat slash to the media in Cincy? Classic Junior. And
now he’s back, “The House that Griffey Built.” He can’t run, can’t field, he’s going to
clog up the #4 slot until the M’s realize, guess what, they really are better off without
him. Again. And isn’t it just a little suspicious when a dude with man-boobs and
diverticulitis bulks up like a sausage and hits 50 home runs? Exactly like, hmm, I
don’t know, Jason Giambi?
BAILEY ends his phone conversation.
DENNY
Here’s the story: Seattle is so desperate for a sports hero, they canonize a steroid
injecting, cancerous, non-interview giving, pampered, selfish brat for decades. Why not
save it for a real hero, like Gary Payton, Lou Pinella or heaven forbid, August Wilson?
A moment.
BAILEY
Are you finished?
DENNY
I’m afraid so, yes.
A moment.
BAILEY
We have to make some more cut-backs. In every department.
DENNY
I know.
BAILEY
Of course you do.
DENNY
OK.
A moment.
BAILEY
…People want to take their kid to the park and see Griffey hit it over Smith Tower.
DENNY
He’s a lefty.
BAILEY
That’s not the point.
DENNY
What’s the point?
BAILEY
Watching the man play center field was a thing of beauty. A thing of extraordinary
beauty.
DENNY
That’s true.
BAILEY
I.E.S.
DENNY
I’m sorry.
BAILEY
(Whispers.)
It’s Entertainment, Stupid.
DENNY
Ah. Of course. Somehow I didn’t, you know…I never really picked up on that.
BAILEY
Now you know.
DENNY
Now I know.
HEADLINE: “The Kid Returns – Leads M’s in All-Star Ballot”
DENNY
He’s batting .194
BAILEY
I said are you done?
DENNY
Yes.
BAILEY
…One thing. A possibility.
DENNY
Uh-huh.
BAILEY
Think you can Twitter?
DENNY looks to the CHORUS. They give him a single sparkler
But it won’t ignite.
Fade to black.
Cuts large & small.
Denny’s arc
Change interrupting audience member to chorus.
Removed the idea that Denny is related to one of the Press Expedition explorers.
Build fireworks with fizzle at end.
NPA reading in Nov.?