COMING OUT AS KINKY
GEARUP 2015
Cal Domingue, MFT
7/10/15
Agenda
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Mindfulness
Emotions: their role
Happiness
Identity
Groups
Coming Out
Exercise
2
MINDFULNESS
Many styles
• Grounded in Hakomi
• Present: sounds, sensations, posture
– Reactions, thoughts feelings
• Loving Observer, compassionate witness
EMOTIONS: THEIR ROLE
Anthropology / Sociology
•
•
•
•
Emotions are an evolutionary response
Means of social communication
Critical to group survival
Each emotion has a role
Emotions
• Shame
– Conformity to group rules (social norms)
– Survival vs. straight white male dominance
• Love / joy
– Creates connections, interdependencies
• Fear
– Warn of danger, pay attention
• Anger
– Be strong, defend / attack
Emotional Intelligence
• Self-Awareness: recognize feelings as they occur
• Managing emotions: appropriate reactions;
modulate negative affect
• Self-Motivation
– focus on a goal, emotional self-control; deferred
gratification; controlling impulsivity
• Recognizing emotions in others: empathy
• Relationships: skill in navigating others’
emotions
HAPPINESS
What is Happiness
• Dave Robson: 5 Pillars
– Know yourself; passion; trust your heart
– Build awareness; positive mindset
• Uplift Program: Murray & Fortinberry
– Connection to others; self-esteem
– Connection to your body, nature, spirituality
• Dalai Lama
–
–
–
–
–
We have a right to be happy; happiness = a sense of wellbeing
How we perceive our situation; how satisfied we are
Impacted by our mindset and perceptions
Basic physical needs must be met: food, clothing, shelter
Love, affection, closeness, & compassion bring happiness
Happiness: common threads
• Basic needs met
– Plan to provide for yourself
• A choice
• An attitude
• Involves self-awareness
– What actions bring you satisfaction
(accomplishment)
– What actions bring you joy
– What interactions bring you joy
– How are these impacted by your sense of self?
July 27, 2013
Gifted Adults GPGC 2013 55th Reunion
Copyright 2013 Cal Domingue, LMFT
11
IDENTITY
Cultural biases
• The Western mind favors the self-contained
– Elevates individual and self-identity
– Not good at implementing interdependence
• Hinduism & Buddhism
– interdependent co-origination
– Experience of divisions, locations, and selfidentity are illusions, generated by the body,
senses and the mind
Four Take Home Messages
1. There are no single human beings – alone we die
2. The brain is a social organ – evolved for group survival
3. The cortex is shaped post-natally via social
interactions
4. The brain can be changed, regulated and helped to
heal in relationships
Aspects of Identity
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Cultural identity
Ethnic identity
National identity
Religious identity
Gender & sexual identity
Labeling others & ourselves in categories
Associating with certain groups
– Comparison: comparing groups
15
GROUPS
Identity in groups
1a : sameness of essential or generic character in
different instances
b : sameness in all that constitutes the
objective reality of a thing : oneness
2 a : the distinguishing character or personality of
an individual : individuality
• The distinctive characteristic(s) belonging to any
given individual, or shared by all members of a
particular social category or group
17
Group & Identity
• Others’ actions & thoughts have impact
– Do we fit in?
– Socialization and peer pressure
• Other people’s attitudes
– Acceptance or rejection of how other people
attempt to influence the individual
• GroupThink
– Attitudes, who belongs, hazing, …
18
Belonging / Tribe
• Majority / minority
– In-group / out-group
• Visible / hidden
– Self-categorization
– Categorization by others
– Match or different?
• Establishment of an easy-to-understand and
consolidated sense of self or identity
Brain: Mirror Neuron Systems
• Sensory-Affective Link-up for Attunement
– Imitation & Skill Building
– Resonance & Coordination
• Experiencing the other as a part of the self
– Shared Emotion / Emotional Contagion
– Sympathy
– Empathy
Brain: Social Engagement System
• Tenth Cranial Nerve Network
– Allows finer tuning of arousal than sympathetic –
parasympathetic balance
• Allows us to stay connected
• Helps with matching emotional response to
the social situation
Engagement in Community
• Initial Attraction
– Phenylethylamine, norepinephrine, dopamine
• Later stages of long relationships
– Oxytocin, serotonin
Neurochemicals
• Serotonin: serenity, optimism, spiritual experiences
• Norepinephrine: physical & mental arousal; heightens
mood
• Dopamine: motivation, pleasure, reward
• Opiates: Modulate pain, reduce stress, bliss
• Phenylethylamine (PEA) - “love drug”, modulates
dopamine & norepinephrine
• Anandamide: mood, appetite, memory, pain
perception
– binds & activates same receptors as weed
• Oxytocin: bonding, emotional attachment, loyalty
Kink / Leather / BDSM
• Pain – physical & emotional processed same
– Regulation: endorphins, noradrenaline, opiates,
serotonin
• Endogenous – produced by our bodies
• Intense doses of same chemicals that cause
pleasure
• Community interactions / group scenes
– Initial attractions: PEA, norepinephrine, dopamine
– As relationships lengthen: oxytocin, serotonin
Kinky Brains
• Touch us in our vulnerability & strength
• Brain pathways etched deeply through life
– Brings intense focus to them
– Opportunities to transform
– Provide missing experiences
COMING OUT
Gay / Bi / Trans Coming Out
• Series of Circles
– Self
– Private: friends, family
– Public: colleagues, acquaintances, activities
• Environments
– Others who are same
– Individuals / gatherings
– Work
– Social Media
Generational Considerations
The times, they are a’changing
Younger
• Less need for LGBT?
• Less persecution (for
some)
• More comfort in
mainstream, w/o need
to establish specific
identity
• Need 2 B deeply seen
Older
• Strong need for LGBT
• History of persecution
for identity
• Closet: hidden in
mainstream
• Integrated: Out in
mainstream
• Need 2 B deeply seen
Reasons to Come Out (or Not)
• Safety
– What do others think
– How do they react?
• Consequences: job,
isolation, rejection
• Less need for specific
identity (age-related)
• Self-Acceptance
– Integration: levels
– Shame vs. privacy
• Finding tribes:
belonging in groups
• Being seen& accepted
for all of who we are
Being Seen - Deeply
•
•
•
•
Mirror neurons
Experiences flood us with neurochemicals
Community mirrors: fairs, weekends, parties
Transformational opportunities
Kinky & Happy
•
•
•
•
Understanding what it means to you
Understanding how it manifests in you
Meeting individual needs
What beyond that?
– Partners, fun, growth
– Adapting to changes
• Goals
– Emotional, psychological, spiritual, physical
July 27, 2013
Gifted Adults GPGC 2013 55th Reunion
Copyright 2013 Cal Domingue, LMFT
31
Kinky Community
• Group Think
• What’s OK?
• What’s included?
– Types of play
– Roles
• Dress
• Hazing / ritual / process
Coming Out
Specific desires / preferences / roles
• Dealing with attitudes including:
– Slaves are simply property, not people (some)
– Attitudes about masculinity
• Internalized & in the community
• Are tops somehow more masculine (better)
• Dirty, dark side
– Nastiness as part of the appeal
– ‘Owning’ as positive what others demean
• Gay, queer, black, etc…
Coming Out about Fetishes
• Animal play: puppies, pigs, ponies, …
• Holes:
– Which ones: ass, mouth, piss slit,
– What do you put in them? Body parts? Toys?
– Yours or theirs, or both?
• Other body parts & practices
– Finding others, place in community
– Influenced by GroupThink & attitudes
Coming Out about Limits
• Is more better?
– Not being shamed or forced by this belief
• Some limits OK, not others?
– For yourself
– For the community
Coming Out about Quirks
•
•
•
•
Coming out as individuals
Nerdiness
Emotions & needs, shyness
Disabilities or physical limitations, etc -
• Community pressure to conform?
• Community acceptance for all?
EXERCISE
Silent Gaze
• Find partner
– Sit facing each other
– Establish mindfulness, closed eyes
– Open eyes, in silence look into each others eyes
• Notice what happens in yourself
–
–
–
–
–
Tension / relaxation
Thoughts, emotions, sensations
Easy or challenging
Opening or blocking
Want / desire /
Come Out
• Some aspect of kinkiness
– Specific to that person
– Not evident to community
Summary
• Define your challenges
– Technological as well as personal
• Set realistic expectation
– Mastery is not achieved overnight
• Keep your eye on the goal
– Mentorship programs
QUESTIONS?
THANK YOU!
BRAIN &
NEUROBIOLOGY
Attachment System
• Affective Regulation via Proximity
• Experiencing the other as a part of the self
• Shaping neural structure via experience
Social Neural Plasticity
• Prenatal / Childhood epigenetic processes
• Ongoing Neuroplasticity
– Changes in attachment patterns
– Healing early deficits
Limbic System
• Amygdala- regulates fear, anger, startle reflex
• Hypothalamus- hormonal balance, appetite,
sleep, wakefulness
• Thalamus – pacemaker for cortical activity
• Hippocampus- short term recall, context of
emotional memory
• Anterior Singulate Cortex- reward system,
emotional processing
Brain influences
• Meditation: brain changes opposite of
depression & anxiety
• Negative emotions : right frontal lobes
• Positive emotions: left frontal lobe
• Advanced meditators
– More left cortical activity
– Lower cortisol, reduced startle response
Serotonin
• Serenity, optimism, spiritual experiences
• Dysregulation: depression, eating disorders,
suicidality
• Regulates sleep, appetite, pain, mood
• Effected by some anti-depressants
• Hallucinogens alter serotonin in areas of
brain affecting integrating sensory stimuli
Norepinephine
• Physical & mental arousal; heightens mood
• “Fight or flight”: heart rate, blood pressure,
etc.
• Medications: target alertness, attention; alter
blood pressure
Dopamine
• Arousal: motivation, pleasure, reward
• Apathy, anhedonia, parkinsonism
• Schizophrenia, mania, delusions,
hallucinations
• Meds: anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers
Neurosteroids
• Cortisol
– Stress response, blood glucose, mood
• Estrogen
– Mood, neurotropic factor
• Progesterone
– Mood changes (mostly in women)
• Testosterone
– Aggression, dominance, ‘Type A’ behavior
Opiates
• Modulate pain, reduce stress, bliss
• Suppress physical functionality: breathing,
dependence
• Endogenous: “runners high”, cutting, BDSM
Other Factors
• Phenylethylamine (PEA)
– Amphetamine, found in chocolate, “love drug”
– Modulator of dopamine & norepinephrine
• Anandamide
– Binds & activates same receptors as weed
– Mood, appetite, memory, pain perception
• Oxytocin
– Bonding, emotional attachment, loyalty
Oxytocin
• Ability to trust: same brain circuits for love, friendship,
generosity
• Physically released when hug lasts more than 10 seconds
• Released in social situations where we trust and love
–
–
–
–
Trust: step-by-step process.
Eye contact made; respond with smile
Smile back; hold out our hand
We trade gestures gestures, facial expressions and tones of
voice: increase attunement (Mirror neurons, other structures)
• Each tiny interaction builds trust by getting the oxytocin
flowing
• Also a signal that it's okay to trust a stranger
– Whose actions resemble those of members of our tribe
– Who’s like us