Owning the ish of Self
(37 slides)
creatively compiled by dr. michael farnworth
‘ish’ defined...
1. Of, pertaining to, or being.
2. Characteristic of: as in girlish.
3. Having the qualities of.
So self-ish is...
Having the qualities and characteristics of self.
Manifesting the attributes or traits of self.
Behaving in ways congruent and consistent
with self.
Other selves…
• Self-less: the act of not having a self, doing what
others want. This culture would have selflessness so
that it could easily manipulate the masses.
• Self-full: the sense of one’s self and the courage to
honor it. A self-full person would be grounded and
not easily manipulated or intimidated. He/ she will
remember and honor the self.
The uniqueness of self...
The unique qualities of your selfhood are
yours alone, no one shares your spirit,
genetics or soul.
You are one in literally trillions.
Why then, is there so much negative energy
around the issue of selfishness in this culture?
Are you of no value being your self?
The Accusation...
If someone accuses you of selfishness it is
certainly no compliment. It typically is a
demeaning charge of behavior unbecoming and
detested in and by others.
It is an accusation typically laced with shame
and contempt and many people behave in ways
to defect and deny the charge.
The cultural paradox…
• This from a culture steeped in philosophical
individualism (a fancy concept for self-concern and
self-preoccupation)
• The Eskimos have over 28 words to describe the
different kinds of snow. Whatever concepts are
important in a society there will be plenty of words
to describe and deal with it!
• This dictionary has over 160 words with self beginning them: self abasement to self worship-160 of them!!! Put 2 and 2 together… it doesn’t add
up.
It is a difficult conundrum living in a culture that
views the self of a person as having no value and
unworthy of self attention and affection.
How does one learn to embrace that which is
considered shameful and undeserving by others?
Now think about this one…
Is not the cultural elimination of the self (as in
being selfless)– a hidden manifestation of selfish
interest in the hopes of obtaining what the self
may desire, crave and even lust after?
Things like: acceptance, approval, a happy
marriage, recognition, jobs, callings, a good self
esteem, a boy or girl friend, etc.
It is a paradox to live in a culture that shames you
for selfishness-- if you attend to the things of self-while at the same time, that same culture
promotes the ideal of self-esteem and self-value.
So in our efforts to hide our selfishness we
are pretty hard on ourselves when we don’t
measure up to the culture’s (parents,
church, schools, work) expectations.
I imagine if we treated other people like
some of us treat our self when we make a
mistake we would be in need of changing
our behavior to a more gentle and forgiving
nature.
Many of us need to change our mean
spiritedness in relationship to our inner self?
Think about the kinds of names you call yourself
and how you feel when you make a mistake or
when you do something that you later regret.
That kind of treatment makes a lasting
impression…
I don’t know about you but many of the
names I have called my self over the years
when disappointed or embarrassed by my
behaviors would deserve an R-rating.
Why do we suffer the symptoms of
self-contempt when we are
supposed to cherish our selves as
unique creations?
Go figure.
What about service?
 How many of us have heard the advertising rational if
you don’t feel happy and have meaning in your life-then go out and serve someone?
 Is it service to selfishly go out to serve to become
more happy and content with self? Does motivation
count for anything?
 Is there something dishonest or inappropriate about
service for selfish reasons?
How can service to others be
considered noble but service in
behalf of self be considered
inappropriate and somewhat
depraved?
Service…
 Service to others, if done with a good and grounded
heart, is healing and strengthens both the giver and
receiver.
 If service is a cover for ulterior motives, to medicate
woundedness or establish a sense of superiority or
goodness at the expense of helping others, then it
weakens both the giver and receiver.
A virtue or disguise?
• Service to others is often a cover for the
hungers and the needs of the self, of which
one is ashamed.
• It seems we cannot enter in by the front
door to care and nurture the self but have
to hide our intentions by using the back
door, hence the deceptions.
“I was always ashamed to take. So I
gave. It was not a virtue. It was a
disguise.”
Anais Nin
We pay a price in personal integrity when we try
mitigating our personal shame in service to to
others.
It is not good to pretend. It is not good to hide
self-contempt and disgust by camouflaging our
real intentions in service to others because we
find no real meaning and joy in living the life we
have?
We just get more lost.
Arthur Koestler, in his book: Ghost in the Machine, writes on
pages 233-234
“The point I shall try to make is that selfishness is not the
primary culprit ...most historians would agree that the part
played by impulses of selfish, individual aggression in the
holocausts of history was small.... The crimes of Caligula
shrink to insignificance compared to the havoc wrought by
Torquemada. The number of victims of robbers, highwaymen,
rapers, gangsters and other criminals at any period of history
is negligible compared to the massive numbers of those
cheerfully slain in the name of the true religion, just policy, or
correct ideology.... Wars of succession, dynastic wars, national
wars, civil wars, were fought to decide issues equally remote
from the personal self-interest of the combatants.”
Here is an interesting dilemma…
“The hatred and cruelty which have their
source in selfishness are ineffectual things
compared with the venom and ruthlessness
born of selflessness.”
Eric Hoffer
Ponder for a moment all the torture, wars, and crusades
that have been initiated by “selfless” acts of correcting
wrong minded nations of seeing it a different way.
Think of the manipulations of the Inquisition’s religious,
“selfless” concerns of helping the misguided see the
errors of their ways.
And think of all the parenting abuse that has taken place
by well meaning and “selfless” parents who are just
disciplining their children for their own good.
Contemplate the numerous times you
have been hurt, overlooked, ignored,
shamed, or taken advantage of by
someone who was hiding behind their
hidden and disguised “selfless” need
to…
Our Life as a sacred Birthright:
• As we were born we brought with us our
personality and gifts that were unique and
originally ours.
• This gift of self was the express fruits of
potentially limitless combinations.
• This self is our birthright.
It is next to impossible to see our self
as unique and special when we have
been marinated in shame for even
looking inside for something sacred
or hallowed.
Maybe that’s what Christopher Morley had in
mind when he said:
• “Men talk of finding God, but no wonder it
is difficult; He is hidden in that darkest
hiding-place, your heart. You yourself are a
part of him.” (please excuse the sexism)
As Bruce Barton has written:
“If you have anything really valuable to
contribute to the world it will come though
the expression of your own personality,
that single spark of divinity that sets you off
and makes you different from every other
living creature.”
From the poem Ask Me by William
Stafford
“Sometime when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether what I
have done is my life.”
So let me ask you now:
Have you lived your life?
Have you done your life or have you
done someone else’s?
Now some questions posed by Parker
Palmer:
Is the life that you are living the same as
the life that wants to live in you?
What are you meant to do and who are
you meant to be? Are you being true?
The Sacred Soul...
• The body and the spirit are the soul.
• Just as each body is different and uncommon,
each sprit is remarkable and unlike anyone
else in the world of creation.
• Joined together they create a soul so rare and
matchless as to have unparalleled beauty and
worth.
The Soul Speaks...
 The soul speaks from with in calling you to be
the person you were born to be. It lays down
clues to who you really are. It is a sacred gift
that invites you to embrace and speak your
voice, your truth.
 The soul speaks in quite, safe and gentle ways
and compels you to grasp your gift of selfhood
and protect it for the sacred essence it is.
Robbing the Gift...
• It seems our culture is adept at diminishing and
distorting the gift of self at a very early age.
• We are held hostage by parenting expectations
to act in certain ways and often give up our
gifts for shallow tokens of acceptance and
belonging.
• We wear other people’s faces and lose our
sense of wholeness and unity.
Living lives that are not our own...
• Living lives that are not our own lead to meaningless,
divided and fraudulent encounters with the self and
others.
• We become unfaithful to our origins and natures and
become strangers in our own lives.
• We surrender our authentic and vital souls for the
pretense of socially contrived behavior.
• We lose our voice and wander off the path of
selfhood.
The Labyrinth of Life...
In losing our self and our voice we may spend
many years wandering the labyrinth looking
for our niche, our slot in life. We experiment
with hero worship (trying to become like
others) or maybe rebellion (being different
from others) but all is shallow and empty and
dishonest and ultimately unfulfilling.
the end
www.mywholeself.me