CONQUER
The Crazies that Comes from Covert Abuse or Gaslighting
Handout
Leslie Vernick
Key Point # 1: Gaslighting (covert abuse) is a term taken from a 1938 play called
Gas Light and subsequently two movies were made in the 1940’s. Here is a link to
watch the British version of the film.
fhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPcYkxmhGs0
The intention of gaslighting is to decrease a person’s self-esteem and selfconfidence so she is unable to function in an independent manner.
The person being gaslighted will eventually become so insecure that she will
fail to trust her own judgment, her intuition and find herself unable to make
her own decisions, thus making her extremely vulnerable psychologically
and emotionally to her abuser.
Control over her is then easily achieved without physical force or overt
threats or aggression.
Key Point # 2. The intention of gaslighting as well as covert abuse is to use more
hidden, subtle strategies to intimidate, control, and confuse you so that you end up
feeling like you are the one who is crazy, bad, or wrong.
Key Point # 3. Aggressive Personalities (from George Simon’s book on Character
Disturbances) want to win, want to control and want to be right. They use
aggressive tactics to achieve these ends, often-sacrificing integrity, morality, or any
sense of right or wrong (which is the part that determines one’s character).
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Some types of aggressive personalities are more bold and direct in their
aggression. They don’t mind being seen as the bully. But others are more
subtle, covert and want to be “seen” as the good guy, while still engaging in
subtle aggressive tactics to control, to win, and to be right.
Covert abuse is harder to detect because their strategies are hidden (covert)
and they are harder to describe to others.
Key Point # 4 Three stages of Gaslighting.
Stage 1- Confusion/disbelief. What just happened between us?
Stage 2-Defending yourself. I don’t think I’m who you think I am.
State 3- Losing yourself/depression. I don't know who I am anymore?
Maybe I am what he thinks I am.
Key Point # 5. EVERYONE is vulnerable to Covert abuse or Gaslighting.
Key Point # 6. Why neurotic people are more vulnerable to staying on the crazy
making cycle longer.
(If you didn’t read the book summary on George Simon’s book on Character
Disorders, it may help you to read at least the first few pages)
Neurotic people live with a lot of guilt, shame and anxiety. They worry about
what’s wrong with them, how they are doing, how people perceive them, if
they are doing enough. If they have bad thoughts or feelings (especially
aggressive one’s) they often deny or suppress them because it makes them
feel guilty and shameful to have those thoughts or feelings.
Psychotic people do not live in touch with reality. We usually find them in
long term psychiatric care and under medication. This is not the kind of
“crazy” we are talking about with neurotic crazymaking with covert abuse.
Aggressive personalities tend to not worry about what people think or
pleasing others. Their goal is to gain the upper hand, to win, be right and
control. They don’t suffer a lot of guilt or shame although they may express a
great deal of pain when they are thwarted from getting what they want and
lose control.
Key Point # 7. The covert abuser may look like a neurotic person (insecure)
because they want to look good and please others on the outside but their reasons
are not fueled by anxiety, guilt or shame, but by the desire to keep their strategies
for maintaining control, winning or gaining the upper hand more hidden from the
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outside world. This can be very confusing to counselors and people helpers who see
one person in the session and a wife describes another person at home.
Key Point # 8. Key responsibility avoidance tactics of a covert abuser and how to
keep yourself from getting drawn into the crazies
1. Deceit
Write everything down that he says, during or after a conversation. That
way you know what you were told or not told. Write harsh comments
down in the moment so that later when he denies them you can say “I
know what I heard”
2. Minimizing
When he does this say, “I could be wrong but I disagree. To me what you
did was hurtful or cruel or dishonest, etc. But I’m going to check it out
with a more neutral source - with my counselor/coach/pastor/best
friend – to ask his/her opinion on this because I don’t think it’s a small
thing.
3. Blame-shifting
Say, “I don’t buy your excuses. All people get tired, or have crabby kids,
or are hungry, or (whatever excuse he used) and they don’t act the way
you behaved. You are responsible for your own actions (words).”
Even if he doesn’t “hear you” by saying it out loud, you stay clear who is
responsible for what and you don’t overly apologize for his inability to
handle his own negative feelings because he says it was your fault
because you didn’t do something right (which triggers your neurotic guilt
and shame and insecurity).
Key Point # 9. If you see some neurotic tendencies in yourself (most people have
them) then it’s important to gain even more self-awareness instead of hiding from
yourself. In doing so, you become less vulnerable, and internally stronger.
Read Matthew 6:22-23. What does it mean to have a good eye? What do you
think Jesus meant to teach people?
Read Proverbs 4:23. What does it mean for you to guard your heart above all
else? What changes do you need to make in order for your heart to be
guarded against deceit, evil, and crazymaking?
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