MURDER AT THE GRAND HOTEL
by
Lynne Elson
Setting: Hotel in L.A.
Time: 1940’s
At Rise: The Inspector enters. He begins to speak but thunder
& lightening drown him out.
INSPECTOR
I remem--(Thunder) I remember it like it was yesterday. It was afternoon, but you
couldn’t tell. They say it never rains in the city of angels. But on this day, in this city,
the angels couldn’t be found. The stor—(thunder) the story begins in a big fancy
hotel. The place is Los Angeles, the time is not so long ago. It was a case I will never
forget. Each and every person was sus—(thunder) You couldn’t wait until I finished
the word? Each and every person was suspi-- (thunder) Really? Each and every-Suspicious. (thunder) Ha ha! Let me tell you, this Dame, she was smart, but she
never knew what what coming. Not a clue.
(INSPECTOR exits. HOTEL OWNER enters. HOTEL WORKERS enter and
stand around waiting for orders.)
HOTEL OWNER
Nothing’s going to go wrong. Nothing can go wrong. I want this place to look just
like it did when my father opened it twenty years ago. It’s called the Grand Hotel.
(To worker)
Where’s the Grand?
(Worker shrugs her shoulders.)
(To all workers)
What do you think you’re doing?
Nothing.
Exactly! So do something!
HOTEL OWNER
ALL WORKERS
HOTEL OWNER
(WORKERS all jump out of fear and rush to do something.)
HOTEL OWNER
1
The guests are about to arrive. If anything goes wrong you’re all fired!
MRS. MAXWELL
Um, hello. I’d like two rooms with hot tubs free cosmetics and TV’s with cable. Oh, I
can’t forget the king-sized beds.
HOTEL OWNER
I’m very sorry but we don’t have free cosmetics nor hot tubs. I guess you didn’t read
the brochure.
MRS. MAXWELL
I don’t have time to read. I have kids!
(HOTEL OWNER rings the bell and BELLBOY enters quickly.)
HOTEL OWNER
Give them the best rooms we got. Near the pool. They’re suites.
(BELLBOY picks up the bags, sighs, shakes his head and rushes off.)
MRS. MAXWELL
I’ll go get the gang.
INSPECTOR
The hotel drew all kinds of people. Mr. Maxwell was out playing games while Mr.
Maxwell did all the work. The Maxwells were a typical family. Or were they?
(Scary music. Outside by the car.)
MR. MAXWELL
It usually takes your mom a long time to sign in, so why don’t we play a trick on her?
JOSIE
What kind of trick?
MR. MAXWELL
When your mom comes back why don’t you two tell her that I don’t feel well and I
just passed out.
Okay, why not?
IAN & JOSIE
(MRS. MAXWELL enters.)
2
IAN
Mom! Something’s wrong with Dad!
I think he had chest pains!
JOSIE
MRS. MAXWELL
I’ll call 9-1-1 and you two give him CPR!
IAN & JOSIE
No, don’t!
Hurry, kids! This is serious!
MRS. MAXWELL
(MR. MAXWELL jumps out of the car laughing.)
Did you like our prank?
MR. MAXWELL
(IAN & JOSIE laugh.)
MRS. MAXWELL
Oh, I could just kill all of you!
(Scary music.)
Get inside!
MRS. MAXWELL
(They enter the hotel.)
INSPECTOR
Then there was the richest man in all of L.A. He was just married and even on his
honeymoon he was trying to make a deal.
TYCOOON
Hello, I’m Charles Johnston the third. Perhaps you’ve heard of me?
HOTEL OWNER
Uhhhhh--TYCOON
3
Maybe not. Well, anyway I want to speak to the owner of this hotel.
You’re looking at her.
HOTEL OWNER
TYCOON
Well, I want to buy it. How much is it?
HOTEL OWNER
I’m not selling my hotel. I just re-opened it.
TYCOON
Excuse me, I’m a multimillionaire and whatever I say goes!
HOTEL OWNER
Not this time.
TYCOON
Well, I guess we’ll have to stay here a night or two until change your mind.
HOTEL OWNER
What makes you think I’ll change my mind?
I have my ways.
TYCOON
(Scary music.)
HOTEL OWNER
O-kay. Well, you would like a room for how many?
TYCOON
Three. My wife, my wife’s stupid poodle and myself. The service here is ghastly. I’m
holding my bags and no one is taking them.
(HOTEL OWNER rings for BELLBOY. BELLBOY enters in a rush, overworked and exhausted already. He can’t lift the TYCOON’s bags. He
finally drags them. TYCOON follows him.)
Like I said, all kinds of people.
INSPECTOR
(TINA enters with a dentist’s bag. FRED, a hobo, jumps behind a plant.
When TINA passes FRED, he jumps out and breathes on TINA.)
4
TINA
Oh my goodness! What is that deadly smell?
It’s only me.
FRED
TINA
You really need to take a bath.
FRED
Well, well, so do you.
TINA
I don’t need to hear this from a Hobo.
FRED
I’m not a Hobo. I’m a residentially challenged person.
Just leave me alone.
TINA
FRED
Wait! Can I have some money to buy some food?
TINA
If I give you money, you’ll leave me alone?
FRED
Thank you, thank you. I really appreciate it.
(TINA gives him money, she begins to walk away.)
Sucker.
FRED
TINA
Excuse me, did you say something?
FRED
Me? No.
(FRED runs away.)
5
Ooh, I’ll get that guy.
TINA
(Scary Music.)
(BURICO LANXY is a Hillbilly. He enters wearing overalls, a straw hat
and terribly thick glasses. He bumps into FRED who pushes him into a
tall plant.)
BURICO
Sorry, my fault. Didn’t see ya. I’m a bit worn out today. You too? I’ll stop by with
some water later.
(LEO the GROUNDSKEEPER enters with his tools. He sees BURICO
talking to a plant.)
Looking for something?
Howdy, I’d like a room.
LEO
BURICO
LEO
Right over there.
(BURICO bumps into TINA.)
TINA
I’m a dentist.
BURICO
Really? My molar’s been killing me. You think you could pull it out?
TINA
Umm, maybe later.
(BURICO walks to the reception desk. ELIZABETH is brushing her
hair and REBECCA is doing her nails.)
INSPECTOR
Like I said, all different kinds of people showed up at the big opening. Even the
hired help needed help.
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How may I help you sir?
I’m here for the—
ELIZABETH
BURICO
REBECCA
Excuse me, but I don’t think you want to talk to her. She doesn’t know how to
register you in. I do.
ELIZABETH
Why you little liar. I’ll—I’ll—
REBECCA
Do you want a room for $47 a night, or $74, or $174?
BURICO
Well Gosh, I just don’t know.
ELIZABETH
You have no idea what you’re doing. Go get him room 666’s key. Your name?
BURICO
Burico Lanxy.
That’s not how you do it.
REBECCA
ELIZABETH
We live together, we work together. This is just too much. Why did I ever ask you to
be my roommate?
Why did I ever say yes?
REBECCA
(They fight, pulling hair, etc.)
BURICO
Excuse me, Miss Nailpolish? Miss Hairbrush? I’d like to lie down. Get some shut
eye.
(takes key)
Don’t worry, I’ll find it myself.
7
INSPECTOR
Finally they were all settling down for the night. Or were they?
(Scary music.)
(LEO rings for the elevator. The door opens. ELEVATOR OPERATOR
is inside.)
ELEVATOR OPERATOR
Going down. Oh it’s you. How’s it going?
LEO
It’s not.
ELEVATOR OPERATOR
What’s biting you?
LEO
She is. She wants me to fix the leak in the hallway, repair the rug in room 22. Fix the
radiator in room 57, replace the door hinge, defrost the chicken legs, fix the freezer
and all by tomorrow. Oh and replace the one and only light bulb in the basement.
Someone keeps stealing it.
ELEVATOR OP
Man, that’s going to be hard. Want me to help?
LEO
No, she’d kill me if you moved from your spot in the elevator. I’ll just do it myself.
It’s spooky in the basement though. Why’d someone want to steal a light bulb down
there? It’s completely pitch black. Good thing I got my flashlight.
(Flashlight dies.)
Oh no.
LEO
ELEVATOR OP
I’m not scared of the dark. I’m scared of little enclosed places. I’ll trade ya.
LEO
Thanks anyway. See ya later.
‘Night.
ELEVATOR OP
8
(LEO exits. RICH WIFE enters the elevator with her poodle. TINA also
enters.)
Fourth floor please.
TINA
RICH WIFE
Me too! What a co-inki-dink! Did you just get here too?
TINA
No. I mean yes. I mean, maybe.
What’s your name?
Uh, Tina. Why?
RICH WIFE
TINA
RICH WIFE
I just got married and I’m on my honeymoon.
I’m a dentist.
Really? That’s interesting.
Nice doggy.
TINA
RICH WIFE
TINA
RICH WIFE
This is Princess Fluffy. Look, my husband’s always busy doing work. Would you like
to meet tomorrow by the pool?
TINA
Sure, why not.
This is your floor ladies.
Thank you.
ELEVATOR OPERATOR
RICH WIFE
9
TINA
(to ELEVATOR OP)
Do you have to stay here all night?
Yup, I’ll trade ya.
ELEVATOR OPERATOR
(TINA and RICH WIFE exit. BELLBOY enters holding bags unhappily.)
ELEVATOR OP
Hi again, Stan. Man, you look dead tired.
BELLBOY
That good? I’m about to drop.
ELEVATOR OP
I’ll take ‘em. Just sit here. This one’s up. This one’s down. Any stiff could do it.
BELLBOY
You’re so kind.
(ELEVATOR OPENS.)
You’d be doing me a favor.
ELEVATOR OP
INSPECTOR
It was around one in the morning. The whole hotel was finally quiet. But not for
long.
(TINA rings for the elevator, elevator opens and BELLBOY falls out,
dead. TINA screams. ELEVATOR OPERATOR runs in.)
ELEVATOR OPERATOR
Stan! I can’t believe it! Who did this? Did you see anything?
(TINA shakes her head no.)
INSPECTOR
This is where I come in. I was hanging out with my pal, Officer Carson down at the
precinct when we got a call from the operators.
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Did you hear what I heard?
What?
BRENDA
GLENDA
BRENDA
Officer Carson was seen with the Maid at your hotel eating donuts.
No really? That’s juicy.
You got any gossip?
GLENDA
BRENDA
GLENDA
Not yet. Night’s still young. Hold on, I got a call. Hello? What?
What is it?
BRENDA
GLENDA
There’s been a murder at the hotel! Get me the police station!
BRENDA
Oh my Gosh. Hello, Officer Carson?
CARSON
Precinct. How may I help you?
BRENDA
Officer Carson, It’s Brenda. There’s been a murder at the Grand Hotel.
We’ll be right over.
CARSON
INSPECTOR
What is it? Don’t tell me Krispy Kreme is out of business?
CARSON
No, no. That would be horrible. There was a murder at the hotel.
Well, let’s go.
INSPECTOR
11
CARSON
Let’s get a box of donuts first though.
Of course.
INSPECTOR
(Lights out. In the Honeymoon Suite, TYCOON and RICH WIFE are getting
ready for bed. TYCOON is still on the phone talking business. POODLE barks,
whimpers and points at the door.)
What? What happened?
Ruff. Ruff. Ruff. Ruff.
RICH WIFE
POODLE
RICH WIFE
Just be quiet, you’re hurting my ears! Princess Fluffy, sit.
(POODLE sits.)
RICH WIFE
Paw.
(POODLE gives her paw.)
RICH WIFE
Ew. You need a trim and your nails painted.
(POODLE barks.)
RICH WIFE
Princess Fluffy go eat your caviar & drink your champagne.
(POODLE growls at door. RICH WIFE OPENS IT.)
RICH WIFE
What are you barking at? There’s no one there, see-- Oh.
Your food madame.
MAID
12
RICH WIFE
I didn’t order any food.
(to husband)
Pooky, did you order any food?
Buy, no sell. I said sell.
(to wife)
Huh? No, I’m not hungry.
TYCOON (Overlapping)
RICH WIFE
Oh, it’s my favorite. Well, I could do with a snack.
(RICH WIFE gives MAID a big tip.)
Merce, Madame.
MAID
RICH WIFE
Just leave us alone from now on okay? We’re on our honeymoon.
Oui, Madame.
MAID
(MAID exits. POODLE growls even louder, sniffs food and tries to pull RICH
WIFE away from food.)
RICH WIFE
Princess you have your food, let Mommy eat hers.
(RICH WIFE eats food and collapses. POODLE barks and pulls on TYCOON.)
TYCOON
Sell! Sell! (to Poodle) I’ll sell you if you don’t stop pestering. What is it?
(POODLE points to RICH WIFE on the floor.)
That can’t be good.
TYCOON
(TYCOON hangs up his call and calls the operator.)
TYCOON
13
Get me the police.
GLENDA
Has there been another murder?
How’d you know?
Who’s doing it?
TYCOON
GLENDA
TYCOON
I don’t know but the only person who has been in here tonight was the maid.
(Scary music.)
(Lights out. Lights up in the NUN’s room.)
NUN #1
This is horrible.
Terrible.
Let’s pray.
I’ll get my rosary.
NUN #2
NUN#1
NUN #2
(NUN #2 opens the closet and a dead body (JOSIE) falls out. NUN #2 screams
and catches her.)
What is it sister?
Help! Help!
NUN #1
NUN #2
(NUN #1 helps #2 an puts the body on the ground. EVERYONE rushes into
the room.)
MRS. MAXWELL
14
It’s my little girl! They killed her!
NUNS
We’re not sinners!
(MRS. MAXWELL is comforted by her husband and son.)
I heard it was her.
GLENDA
(They point to the maid.)
MAID
Moi? I do not do such things.
OFFICER CARSON
Where did you hear that? Carmella would never hurt a fly.
TINA
I think it was that smelly man in the lobby. Did anyone else see him?
OFFICER CARSON
Quiet! You can’t jump to conclusions. Let’s look at the clues.
INSPECTOR
We know it is someone who had access to the basement, isn’t afraid of the dark-ELEVATOR OPERATOR
Wasn’t me!
INSPECTOR
But who also had access to the food.
The cook?
To the kitchen!
HOTEL OWNER
INSPECTOR
(They run down the hallways and run into the dark kitchen. When the lights
come up they scream for they see the cook holding a knife way up over her
head.)
THE COOK
15
What? I was hungry. You don’t think we get hungry just because we see food all
day? That’s a common misconception.
FRED
If it’s not the cook, then who is the killer?
TINA
I’m leaving. I knew something smelled fishy.
Sorry, that’s me.
Nobody’s leaving.
FRED
INSPECTOR
IAN
This another one of your jokes dad?
MR. MAXWELL
Afraid not son.
(POODLE barks at TINA.)
Shoo, shoo. Nice doggy.
TINA
OFFICER CARSON
Someone get this dumb dog out of here.
BURICO
Wait, I have a low IQ. I can understand her.
(Poodle barks.)
BURICO
Really? You can prove it?
(Poodle barks and pulls on Tina’s coat.)
BURICO
She’s saying—this is the one. She’s the one who killed them.
TINA
16
You’re crazy. This is a dog. He is obviously out of his mind. I didn’t kill anyone.
(RICH WIFE, JOSIE & ELEVATOR OPERATOR enter a little dazzed.)
RICH WIFE
She’s right. She didn’t kill us, she just novocained us into a semi-conscious state. I
had the most enlightening dream—
ELEVATOR OPERATOR & JOSIE & RICH WIFE
About the perils of tooth decay.
EO & J & RW
You too?
RICH WIFE
What a coinkidink.
TINA
It wasn’t Novocain. Novocaine just numbs the nerve endings, the correct
terminology is—
OFFICER CARSON
So you admit it, do you? I’m taking you in.
Wait, you have no proof.
TINA
(POODLE rips TINA’s pocket and out drops a light bulb and the bottle of
sedative. TINA tries to run but the dog holds onto her coat with her teeth.)
Get this mutt off of me!
TINA
CARSON
I take back what I said before. This is the smartest canine I’ve ever met.
RICH TYCOON
Want to buy her? We can make a deal.
(CARSON puts TINA in handcuffs.)
It’s all your fault.
TINA
17
HOTEL OWNER
Me?
TINA
If you didn’t open this hotel again, everything would have been fine. I have bad
memories in this hotel. Your father killed my boyfriend!
HOTEL OWNER
No he didn’t. I know who you’re talking about. Your boyfriend just didn’t want to go
out with you anymore. He lied to get away from you. You wouldn’t leave him alone.
TINA
No. Really? Well, you all won’t forget the likes of me! I put my own invention of
sugarless teeth-whitening chocolate mints on all your pillows.
Oh thank you.
EVERYONE
(OFFICER CARSON takes TINA away in handcuffs.)
HOTEL OWNER
What about our deal? I’m ready to sell. I don’t know why I wanted to re-open this
hotel anyway. My real dream is to be a Rockette. (Kicks high.) So how ‘bout buying
it off of me?
RICH TYCOON
No deal. But the sugarless teeth-whitening chocolate mints now there’s an idea to
bank on. Oh Dentist! How about a deal? I know the best lawyers in town..
(RICH TYCOON exits.)
THE MAID
(to Hotel Owner)
You could always start some Rockettes here at the hotel, Madame.
HOTEL OWNER
What a great idea.
THE MAID
My dream is to be a director. Let’s talk over lunch. Have your people, call my
people. Oh wait, I don’t have people.
FRED
Glad that’s over. Who’d like to have a pool party? Last one in the pool’s a rotten egg.
18
(Everyone follows FRED out except BURICO & POODLE.)
BURICO
Darnit, does this mean that woman won’t be doing any extractions? I was really
looking forward to some dental work.
(POODLE barks.)
BURICO
You’re right, I can just use the Yellow Pages. I like your collar by the way. It
matches your eyes.
(Poodle barks thank you.)
You’re welcome.
BURICO
(They exit into the sunset together, with prospects of love in the air.
Romantic music. The INSPECTOR enters and music changes to rain
and thunder again.)
INSPECTOR
Really? Why me? Sam Spade, Philip Marlowe, they always get the girl? What do I
get?
(OFFICER CARSON reenters with a box of donuts and offers one to the
INSPECTOR.)
OFFICER CARSON
Donut?
I’ll settle for that.
INSPECTOR
OFFICER CARSON
See you at the precinct.
(OFFICER CARSON exits.)
INSPECTOR
Well, it was an open and shut case. The guilty was brought to justice and I’m going
to sell the story to Hollywood. Then I’m going to retire and own a whole chain of
donut stores. Officer Carson would have a free lifetime supply of course and I’ll
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spend my day making the donuts. What? You think I want to do this for the rest of
my life? Get real.
(Lights fade out.)
***The End***
Characters breakdowns:
Saad: Inspector
Diana: Hotel Owner, Brenda
Caleigh: Mrs. Maxwell, Glenda, Cook
Ayman: Josie, Rebecca, Elevator Operator
McKayla: Ian, Burico, Maid
Sameer: Mr. Maxwell, Carson, Bell Boy
Mina: Rich Tycoon, Groundskeeper/Leo, Nun #2
Alyssa: Tina
Olivya: Fred, Rich Wife
Mary: Elizabeth, Poodle, Nun #1
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