Bouncing Back:
The Neuroscience of Resilience and
Well-Being
Earthrise Center
Conscious Living Workshop
March 28-30, 2014
Bouncing Back
The Neuroscience of Resilience and
Well-Being
Linda Graham, MFT
linda@lindagraham-mft.net
www.lindagraham-mft.net
415-924-7765
All the world is full of suffering.
It is also full of overcoming.
- Helen Keller
Resilience
 Deal with challenges and crises
 Bounce back from adversity
 Recover our balance and equilibrium
 Find refuges and maximize resources
 Cope skillfully, flexibly, adaptively
 Shift perspectives, open to possibilities, create
options, find meaning and purpose
6 C’s of Coping
 Calm
 Compassion
 Clarity
 Connections to Resources
 Competence
 Courage
Practices to Accelerate Brain Change
 Presence – primes receptivity of brain
 Intention/choice – activates plasticity
 Perseverance – creates and installs change
Neuroscience of Resilience
 Neuroscience technology is 20 years old
 Meditation shifts mood and perspective;
impacts immune system and gene expression
 Oxytocin can calm a panic attack in less than a
minute
 Kindness and comfort, early on, protects
against later stress, trauma, psychopathology
Neuroplasticity
 Growing new neurons
 Strengthening synaptic connections
 Myelinating pathways – faster processing
 Creating and altering brain structure and
circuitry
 Organizing and re-organizing functions of brain
structures
The brain is shaped by experience. And because
we have a choice about what experiences we
want to use to shape our brain, we have a
responsibility to choose the experiences that
will shape the brain toward the wise and the
wholesome.
- Richard J. Davidson, PhD
The field of neuroscience is so new,
we must be comfortable not only
venturing into the unknown
but into error.
- Richard Mendius, M.D.
Evolutionary legacy
Genetic templates
Family of origin conditioning
Norms-expectations of culture-society
Who we are and how we cope….
…is not our fault.
 Given neuroplasticity
 And choices of self-directed neuroplasticity
 Who we are and how we cope…
 …is our responsibility
Conditioning
 Experience causes neurons to fire
 Repeated experiences, repeated neural firings
 Neurons that fire together wire together
 Strengthen synaptic connections
 Connections stabilize into neural pathways
 Conditioning is neutral, wires positive and
negative
Pre-Frontal Cortex
 Executive center of higher brain
 Evolved most recently – makes us human
 Development kindled in relationships
 Matures the latest – 25 years of age
 Evolutionary masterpiece
 CEO of resilience
Functions of Pre-Frontal Cortex
 Regulate body and nervous system
 Quell fear response of amygdala
 Manage emotions
 Attunement – felt sense of feelings
 Empathy – making sense of expereince
 Insight and self-knowing
 Response flexibility
Mechanisms of Brain Change
 Conditioning
 New Conditioning
 Re-Conditioning
 De-Conditioning
New Conditioning
 Choose new experiences
 Positive emotions, resonant relationships, selfcompassion, self-acceptance
 Create new learning, new memory
 Encode new wiring
 Install new pattern of response
Re-conditioning
 “Light up” neural networks
 Juxtapose old negative with new positive
 De-consolidation - re-consolidation
 New rewires old
Modes of Processing
 Focused
 Tasks and details
 Self-referential
 New conditioning and re-conditioning
 De-focused
 Default network
 Mental play space
 De-conditioning
De-Conditioning
 De-focusing
 Loosens grip
 Creates mental play space
 Plane of open possibilities
 New insights, new behaviors
Keep Calm and Carry On
Serenity is not freedom from the storm
but peace amidst the storm.
- author unknown
Window of Tolerance
 SNS – explore, play, create, produce…. OR
Fight-flight-freeze
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Baseline physiological equilibrium
Calm and relaxed, engaged and alert
WINDOW OF TOLERANCE
Relational and resilient
Equanimity
 PNS – inner peace, serenity…. OR
Numb out, collapse
Hand on the Heart
 Touch
 Deep breathing
 Positive Emotions
 Brakes on survival responses
 Oxytocin – safety and trust
 Relationships as resources
Oxytocin
 Hormone of safety and trust, bonding and
belonging, calm and connect
 Brain’s direct and immediate antidote to stress
hormone cortisol
 Can pre-empt stress response altogether
Calm through the Body
 Hand on the Heart
 Body Scan
 Progressive Muscle Relaxation
 Movement Opposite
Calm – Friendly Body Scan
 Awareness
 Breathing gently into tension
 Hello! and gratitude
 Release tension, reduce trauma
Progressive Muscle Relaxation
 Body cannot be tense and relaxed at the
same time
 Tense for 7 seconds, relax for 15
 Focused attention calms the mind
Calm through Movement
 Body inhabits posture of difficult emotion (40
seconds
 Body moves into opposite posture (40
seconds)
 Body returns to first posture (20 seconds)
 Body returns to second posture (20 seconds)
 Body finds posture in the middle (30 seconds
 Reflect on experience
Breathing for Two - Equanimity
 Partner A lies comfortably on the floor; closes eyes
 Partner B sits near enough to place one hand on
partner A’s hand, the other on the crown of partner
A’s head
 Partner A breathes normally, peacefully
 Partner B synchronizes his/her breathing with partner
 After three minutes, switch roles
 Reflect on experience
Mindfulness and Empathy
Awareness of what’s happening
(and our reactions to what’s happening)
Acceptance of what’s happening
(and our reactions to what’s happening)
Two most powerful agents of brain change
known to science
Mindfulness Comes to West
Mindfulness:
Focused attention on
present moment experience
without judgment or resistance.
- Jon Kabat-Zinn
Attention and allowing
Awareness and acceptance
Mindfulness
 Pause, become present
 Notice and name
 Step back, dis-entangle, reflect
 Catch the moment; make a choice
 Shift perspectives; shift states
 Discern options
 Choose wisely – let go of unwholesome,
cultivate wholesome
Notice and Name
 Thoughts as thoughts
 Patterns of thoughts as patterns of thoughts
 Cascades of emotions as cascades of emotions
 States of mind as states of mind
 Belief systems and identities as…
 Mental contents, patterns of neural firing
Between a stimulus and a response there is a
space. In that space is our power to choose
our response. In our response lies our growth
and our freedom. The last of human freedoms
is to choose one’s attitude in any given set of
circumstances.
- Viktor Frankl, Austrian psychiatrist, survivor
of Auschwitz
Autobiography in Five Short
Chapters – Portia Nelson
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit
My eyes are open,
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
-Portia Nelson
Resonance Circuit
 Resonance – vibe, emotional contagion
 Attunement – felt sense, explicit, non-verbal
 Empathy – verbal, cognitive, coherent
narrative
 Compassion – concern, caring, help
 Acceptance – pre-requisite for resilience and
lasting change
The curious paradox is that when I accept
myself just as I am, then I can change.
- Carl Rogers
Integration
 Reflection
 See clearly
 Resonance
 Embrace wholeheartedly
Kindness is more important than wisdom,
And the recognition of that is the beginning of
wisdom.
- Theodore Rubin
Neuroscience of Empathy
 Emotional communication is 93% non-verbal
 Social engagement system – vagal brake
 Dyadic regulation
 Vagal brake
 Fusiform gyrus regulates amygdala
 Restores equilibrium
Compassion
 Respond to pain or suffering with an open heart, an
interested mind, and a natural willingness to help.
 Open to experience, activate care-giving, prime
ourselves to act
 “Left shift” in brain – more neural activity in left
hemisphere – approach stance toward experience
 Overcome negativity bias; become more optimistic,
more flexible, better resources, better able to find
solutions
Self-Compassion
 Threat-protection system
 Cortisol driven
 Pleasure-reward system
 Dopamine driven
 Caregiving-soothing-comfort system
 Oxytocin driven
 Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind
Self-Compassion
 Notice this is a moment of suffering
 “Ouch! This hurts.”
 What would be comforting here?
 What would be helpful?
 Open to larger perspective
 “My” pain is “the” pain
 I’m not the only one; I’m not alone
Mindful Self-Compassion
 Awareness of what’s happening
 (and our reaction to what’s happening)
 Acceptance of what’s happening
 (and acceptance of our reaction)
 Brain stays plastic, open to learning
The Guest House - Rumi
This being human is a guest-house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness come
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you
out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
- Rumi
Self-Compassion Break
 Notice-recognize: this is a moment of suffering
 Ouch! This hurts! This is hard!
 Pause, breathe, hand on heart or cheek
 Oh sweetheart!
 Self-empathy
 Of course this is painful, and I’m not the only one; I’m
not alone
 Drop into calm; hold moment with awareness; breathe
in compassion and care
 May I be free of suffering and the causes of suffering
 Share experience with resonant other
Seeing Ourselves as Others See Us
 Imagine sitting across from someone who
loves you unconditionally
 Imagine switching places with them; see
yourself as they see you; feel why they love
you and delight in you; take in the good
 Imagine being yourself again; taking in the love
and affection coming to you; savor and absorb.
Deep Listening
The most basic and powerful way to connect to
another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps
the most important thing we ever give each
other is our attention….A loving silence often
has far more power to heal and to connect
than the most well-intentioned words.
- Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.
Deep Listening
 Listener asks speaker the question. Speaker answers
honestly.
 The speaker answers the repeating question for
several rounds, deepening his/her understanding of
his/her experience.
 Listener and speaker switch roles.
 Take a few moments to share reflections on the
experience.
Questions for Deep Listening
 What brings you joy in your life?
 What has brought you sorrow?
 What worries you now?
 When have you found courage in dark times?
 What are you grateful for?
 What are you proud of?
Clarity
It is not the strongest of the species that
survives, nor the most intelligent. It is the one
that is the most adaptive to change.
- Charles Darwin
Every moment brings a choice, and every choice
has an impact.
Julia Butterfly Hill
Mindfulness of Patterns
 Thoughts as thoughts
 Patterns of thoughts as patterns of thoughts
 Cascades of emotions as cascades of emotions
 States of mind as states of mind
 Belief systems and identities as…
 Mental contents, patterns of neural firing
Cues to Practice - ANTS to PATS
 Identify habitual negative pattern of response
 Identify new, positive response to counter/replace
 Identify cue word or phrase to break automaticity
and change the channel
 Practice using the old pattern as a cue to use the cue
word or phrase to trigger the new pattern.
 Repeat the practice as many times as necessary
Modes of Processing
 Focused
 Tasks and details
 Self-referential
 New conditioning and re-conditioning
 De-focused
 Default network
 Mental play space
 De-conditioning
Mindfulness Dissolves
the Stuff of “Self”
 Quantum physics investigates matter
 Matter is more space than stuff
 Mindfulness investigates “I”
 Self is not static or fixed; is ever-changing, ever-unfolding
 True Self is flow of beingness
Rest in Simply Being
 Awareness of Awareness
 Insights, epiphanies, revelations
Wisdom teaches me I am nothing.
Love teaches me I am everything.
Between the two, my life flows.

- Sri Nisargadatta
 Pre-frontal cortex toggles
 Deeper brain integration
 Consciousness
 True Nature
 Wiser Self
 Adult Self
 Inner Child
Brahma Viharas
 Loving Kindness
 Compassion
 Sympathetic Joy
 Equanimity
Connections to Resources
 People
 Love guards the heart from the abyss. - Mozart
 Places
 …I rest in the grace of the world…. – Berry
 Practices
 As an irrigator guides water to his field, as an
archer aims an arrow, as a carpenter carves wood,
the wise shape their lives. - Buddha
Positive Emotions-Behaviors
 Brain hard-wired to notice and remember
negative and intense more than positive and
subtle; how we survive as individuals and as a
species
 Leads to tendency to avoid experience
 Positive emotions activate “left shift,” brain is
more open to approaching experience,
learning, and action
Positive Emotions
Gratitude
Awe
Generosity
Compassion
Delight
Serenity
Love
Curiosity
Kindness
Joy
Trust
Positive Emotions
 Less stress, anxiety, depression, loneliness
 More friendships, social support, collaboration
 Shift in perspectives, more optimism
 More creativity, productivity
 Better health, better sleep
 Live on average 7-9 years longer
Gratitude
 2-minute free write
 Gratitude journal
 Gratitude buddy
 Carry love and appreciation in your wallet
Positivity Portfolio
 Ask 10 friends to send cards or e-mails
expressing appreciation of you
 Assemble phrases on piece of paper
 Tape to bathroom mirror or computer monitor,
carry in wallet or purse
 Read phrases 3 times a day for 30 days
 Savor and appreciate
Take in the Good
 Notice: in the moment or in memory
 Enrich: the intensity, duration, novelty,
personal relevance, multi-modality
 Absorb: savor 10-20-30 seconds, felt sense in
body
The Peace of Wild Things
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
- Wendell Berry
One summer night, out on a flat headland, all but surrounded by the
waters of the bay, the horizons were remote and distant rims on the
edge of space. Millions of stars blazed in darkness, and on the far
shore a few lights burned in cottages. Otherwise there was no
reminder of human life. My companion and I were alone with the
stars: the misty river of the Milky Way flowing across the sky, the
patterns of the constellations standing out bright and clear, a blazing
planet low on the horizon. It occurred to me that if this were a sight
that could be seen only once in a century, this little headland would
be thronged with spectators. But it can be seen many scores of
night in any year, and so the lights burned in the cottages and the
inhabitants probably gave not a thought to the beauty overhead;
and because they could see it almost any night, perhaps they never
will.
- Rachel Carson
Places as Resources
 Nature as refuge – re-Source
 Nature is our biology, our being
 We can create and notice shifts in perspective
Shifting Perspectives in Nature
 BELLY BOTANY
 Find a one square foot patch of earth.
Observe for two minutes.
 (light and shadow, movement and stillness,
beauty and decay, life and death)
 Shift your view to the larger landscape, all the
way to the horizon.
 Reflect on shift in perspective.
People as Resources
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled
by the spark from another person.
Each of us has cause to think with deep
gratitude of those who have lighted the flame
within us.
- Albert Schweitzer
The roots of resilience are to be found in the felt
sense of being held in the heart and mind of an
empathic, attuned, and self-possessed other.
- Diana Fosha, PhD
Attachment Styles - Secure
 Parenting is attuned, empathic, responsive,
comforting, soothing, helpful
 Attachment develops safety and trust, and
inner secure base
 Stable and flexible focus and functioning
 Open to learning
 inner secure base provides buffer against
stress, trauma, and psychopathology
Insecure-Avoidant
 Parenting is indifferent, neglectful, or critical,
rejecting
 Attachment is compulsively self-reliant
 Stable, but not flexible
 Focus on self or world, not others or emotions
 Rigid, defensive, not open to learning
 Neural cement
Insecure-Anxious
 Parenting is inconsistent, unpredictable
 Attachment is compulsive caregiving
 Flexible, but not stable
 Focus on other, not on self-world,
 Less able to retain learning
 Neural swamp
Disorganized
 Parenting is frightening or abusive, or parent is
“checked out,” not “there”
 Attachment is fright without solution
 Lack of focus
 Moments of dissociation
 Compartmentalization of trauma
Coherent Narrative
 This is what happened.
 This is what I did.
 This has been the cost.
 This is what I learned.
 This is what I would do differently going
forward.
Ah, the comfort,
The inexpressible comfort
Of feeling safe with a person.
Having neither to weigh out thoughts
Nor words,
But pouring them all right out, just as they are,
Chaff and grain together;
Certain that a faithful hand
Will take them and sift them;
Keeping what is worth keeping and,
With the breath of kindness,
Blow the rest away.
- Dinah Craik
Welcome Them All
 Wiser Self welcomes to the “party”
 characters that embody positive and negative
parts of the self
 with curiosity and acceptance of the message
or gift of each part and
 honors each part of the “inner committee”
Shame De-Rails Resilience
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience
of believing we are flawed and therefore
unworthy of acceptance and belonging.
Shame erodes the part of ourselves that believes
we are capable of change. We cannot change and
grow when we are in shame, and we can’t use
shame to change ourselves or others.
- Brene Brown, PhD
Love makes your soul crawl out of its hiding
place.
- Zora Neale Hurston
Love guards the heart from the abyss.
- Mozart
Just that action of paying attention to ourselves,
that I care enough about myself, that I am
worthy enough to pay attention to, starts to
unlock some of those deep beliefs of
unworthiness at a deeper level in the brain.
- Elisha Goldstein
Reconditioning
 Memory de-consolidation – re-consolidation
 “Light up” neural networks of problematic memory
 Cause neural networks to fall apart temporarily and
instantly rewire by:
 Juxtaposing positive memory that directly contradicts
or disconfirms;
 Focused attention on juxtaposition of both memories
held in simultaneous dual awareness
 Causes the falling apart and the rewiring
Reconditioning
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Anchor in present moment awareness
Resource with acceptance and goodness
Start with small negative memory
“Light up the networks”
Evoke positive memory that contradicts or disconfirms
Simultaneous dual awareness (or toggle)
Refresh and strengthen positive
Let go of negative
Rest in, savor positive
Reflect on shifts in perspective
Wished for Outcome
 Evoke memory of what did happen
 Imagine new behaviors, new players, new
resolution
 Hold new outcome in awareness,
strengthening and refreshing
 Notice shift in perspective of experience, of
self
Relational Intelligence
 Setting limits and boundaries
 Negotiating change
 Resolving conflicts
 Repairing ruptures
 Forgiveness
Forgiveness - I
For the many ways that I have hurt and harmed
myself, that I have betrayed or abandoned
myself, out of fear, pain, and confusion,
through action or inaction, in thought, word or
deed, knowingly or unknowingly…
I extend a full and heartfelt forgiveness. I
forgive myself. I forgive myself.
Forgiveness - II
For the ways that I have hurt and harmed you,
have betrayed or abandoned you, caused you
suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my
pain, fear, anger, and confusion…
I ask for your forgiveness, I ask for your
forgiveness.
Forgiveness - III
For the many ways that others have hurt,
wounded, or harmed me, out of fear, pain,
confusion, and anger…
I have carried this pain in my heart long enough.
To the extent that I am ready, I offer you
forgiveness. To those who have caused me
harm, I offer my forgiveness, I forgive you.
Human Brain:
Evolutionary Masterpiece
 100 billion neurons
 Each neuron contains the entire human genome
 Neurons “fire” hundreds of time per second
 Neurons connect to 5,000-7,000 other neurons
 Trillions of synaptic connections
 As many connections in single cubic centimeter of
brain tissue as stars in Milky Way galaxy
Brain Care Is Self Care
 Sleep
 Nutrition
 Movement-Exercise
 Laughter
 Hanging Out with Healthy Brains
Sleep
 Housekeeping
 Reset nervous system
 Consolidate learning
 Take mental breaks
How to Sleep Well
 Stick to a sleep schedule
 Pay attention to what you eat and drink
 Create a bedtime ritual
 Get comfortable
 Limit daytime naps
 Include physical activity in your daily routine
 Manage stress

- Mayo Clinic
Take Mental Breaks
 Focus on something else (positive is good)
 Talk to someone else (resonant is good)
 Move-walk somewhere else (nature is good)
 Avoid adrenal fatigue
Nutrition
 Less Caffeine
 Less Sugar
 More Protein
Movement - Exercise
 Oxygen – brain is 2% of body weight, uses 20%
of body’s oxygen
 Endorphins – feel good hormones, brighten
the mind
 Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor (BDNF) grow new brain cells, will migrate to where
needed
Laughter
 Increases oxygen and blood flow, reduces risk of
heart disease and stroke
 Releases endorphins – body’s natural pain killer
 Reduces stress hormone cortisol, lowers blood
pressure
 Triggers catecholamines, heightens alertness in
brain
 Releases tension in body, balances nervous
system
Laughter
 Promotes work productivity
 Reduces stress
 Promotes creativity and problem-solving
 Reduces mistakes, increases efficiency
Promotes group cohesion
 Promotes learning (through play)
 Eases loss, grief, trauma
How to Promote Laughter
 Humor
 A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon
without springs – jolted by every pebble in the
road. - Henry Ward Beecher
 Play
 Play, in short, prepares the brain to handle the
unexpected. – Lee Alan Dugatkin
 Playful resonance
 Laughter is the closest distance between two
people. – Victor Borge
Hanging Out with Healthy Brains
 Brain is social organ; matures and learns best
in interactions with other brains
 Social engagement regulates nervous system
 Resonant interactions prime the brain’s
neuroplasticity; promotes learning and growth
Practices to Accelerate Brain Change
 Presence – primes receptivity of brain
 Intention/choice – activates plasticity
 Perseverance – creates and installs change
Presence
To be present is far from trivial. It may be
the hardest work in the world. And forget
abou the “may be.” It is the hardest work
in the world – at least to sustain
presence. And the most important.
- Jon Kabat-Zinn
Intention
And the day came when the risk it took
To stay tight inside the bud
Was more painful
than the risk it took to blossom.
- Anais Nin
Perseverance
How long should you try? Until. - Jim Rohn
The difference between try and triumph is a little
“umph.” – author unknown
The greatest oak was once a little nut that held
its ground. – Author unknown
How to Create a New Habit
 Identify new behavior you want to cultivate
 Identify reward for new behavior; how will you
sense that reward in your body?
 Identify first five seconds of new behavior
 Identify cue to begin the first five seconds of
behavior
Competence
 Bodily felt sense of “Sure I can!”
 Based on previous competence
 No matter what, no matter how small
 Ownership
Learning Model
 Unconscious Incompetence
 Conscious Incompetence
 Conscious Competence
 Unconscious Competence
Coherent Narrative
 This is what happened.
 This is what I did.
 This has been the cost.
 This is what I learned.
 This is what I would do differently going
forward.
Find the Gift in the Mistake
 Regrettable Moment – Teachable Moment
 What’s Right with this Wrong?
 What’s the Lesson?
 What’s the Cue to Act Differently?
 Find the Gift in the Mistake
Courage
It’s as wrong to deny the possible
As it is to deny the problem.
- Dennis Seleeby
Courage
A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships
are for.
- Grace Hopper
Yes, risk-taking is inherently failure-prone.
Otherwise, it would be called sure thing-taking
- Tim McMahon
Do One Scary Thing a Day
 Venture into New or Unknown
 Somatic marker of “Uh, oh”
 Dopamine disrupted
 Cross threshold into new
 Satisfaction, mastery
 Dopamine restored
I am no longer afraid of storms,
For I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott
Mechanisms of Brain Change
 Conditioning
 New Conditioning
 Re-Conditioning
 De-Conditioning
Modes of Processing
 Focused
 Tasks and details
 Self-referential
 New conditioning and re-conditioning
 De-focused
 Default network
 Mental play space
 De-conditioning
Practices to Accelerate Brain Change
 Presence – primes receptivity of brain
 Intention/choice – activates plasticity
 Perseverance – creates and installs change
Bouncing Back
The Neuroscience of Resilience and
Well-Being
Linda Graham, MFT
linda@lindagraham-mft.net
www.lindagraham-mft.net
415-924-7765