How to Handle Emotionally Charged Situations In the Workplace
Pamela Jett Aal
Rockhurst University Continuing Education Audio Conference
Listened on 7/4/2009
Notes on line: http://images.ruceci.com/pdfs/TSCSEbook.pdf - To order call 1-800-2587246 or www.RockhurstTraining.com
My Notes
 Paid to be emotionally mature, calm cool, collected – even when other people are
flying off the handle.
 Absolute worst thing in emotionally charge situations – calm down (because
doesn’t work) – triggers defensiveness and hostility; ratchet up intensity (any –
chill, breathe, cool, relax)
 They think what they have to say is important so emotions high
 Good energy – overcome by emotion – then channel to productivity
 Emotions mismanaged – poor customer service, poor management
 Secret to think before speak
 “Out of control emotions can make even smart people stupid.”
o Students too.
o Have less control with emotions.
 William James – father of Psychology: Deepest need of the human soul is to be
understood (empathy)
 In emotionally charged situation: “I understand” – no you don’t or patronized (or
techniqued), it is overused – instead (I agree or your right, that’s correct, tell me
more)
 90% reasonable or rational exploders or hotheaded (express not appropriately) –
what is the seed of rationality – agree with something reasonable and rational
 We are able to calm ourselves down instantly
o Say to self – halt (give a moment to stop, evaluate own feelings, evaluate
why behavior) – hungry, angry, lonely, tired
o Based on neuroscience – breathe deep (don’t pant)
o React emotionally instead of respond rationally
 Math in head (not count to 10) - Think of the names of the 7
dwarfs – (happy big ddss) - happy, grumpy, sleepy, sneezy,
bashful, doc, dopey)
 Coping statements 2 components – positive and present tense (I am
calm)
 3 C’s of conflict communication (see page 6) – build stronger
relationships
 Clarity of purpose1 (understand our goals/objectives – most
be focused on being right, winner) – difference being
effective
 Commitment to the relationship
o Stop saying I disagree, instead: I see it differently
o To result and relationship
o Effective confrontation
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When (passive voice) ___________ I
__________
 Confidence to stay the course
o Difficult people are difficult because they learned it
(train that it won’t work with you) – broken record
with boundary statements (be ready for come backs)
 E.g.: You’re right it is a great project and if
you can show objectives I’m being held for
accountable – I would be happy to look at
funding
o Understand what is motivating other person
 Talk to self internally: What are they afraid
of?
o Backstabbers/gossipers
 Is this something I want to confront or let go
of (want to get wound up – may feed to
goal) – confront cost v. benefit
 Give opportunity escape face (in private) –
things are being said that aren’t true– I’m
covering bases and requesting if you’re
doing this, please stop – I know you’ll
understand
I see that this is upsetting you, I’ll give you a few moments to gather your
thoughts (you leave and enter); stop and wait; some use tears to manipulate
If need to leave -- Excuse self (how) – difficult. I want to make sure I don’t want
to say something I’ll regret. I’ll be back ...
Mediation – I’m going to interrupt so we can take a break and we all recollect our
thoughts. What I believe you are trying to convey Bob, what are your thoughts.
Non-verbal communication: I’m sensing that you’re dissatisfied – is that correct?
Foul language – I want to make sure I heard you correctly, could you repeat that?
Start
I agree, your right, that’s
correct, tell me more
To self (H.A.L.T.)
I see it differently
Boundary statement repeatedly
Think: What are they afraid of?
Stop
Calm down, relax
I understand
I disagree
When you...
Continue
Try to understand other
Breathe deep
Math in head (3 digit
addition or cubes)
Say: I am calm
Passive voice
Hide your goat
Stop-look-listen