Monologue: Male teenager
Tommy is a sophomore in high school. He's a nice looking teen, who loves to be around his friends. He is
outgoing, except when it comes to girls. Tommy's talking to his friend Ivan after school while waiting for
the bus.
Dude, you'll never believe what happened to me today. It all started when I woke up this morning. You
know usually I press the snooze button about four or five times...but today was different, when I heard
the alarm, I just sprang out of bed and said to myself, "Today is going to be a great day!" I don't know
why I said it, but I was feeling great! I got in the shower and found myself humming a cool song I heard
the day before. While I was combing my hair in the mirror, I noticed that not only was it a great hair day,
but my skin seemed different too....alive and glowing, and no it wasn't that new acne cream I'd been
using...it was LIFE! So instead of dragging around, I threw on my clothes and headed out. When I got on
the bus, the girls seemed to look at me differently. I thought maybe it was my confidence, or the hair,
but then I thought who the heck cares, they were looking at me! So I looked back at them and they
giggled. I was on top of the world! I went and got a seat in the back of the bus...then it came to me, I had
a presentation due in first period... I wasn't about to let that ruin my day. I knew the material and I was
on a roll. A few moments later, walking down the hallway, it was like a movie, almost every group of
girls turned to look at me, it started to become really spooky actually. My next thought was, with my
luck, I should be playing lottery. I got to my first period class and sat down. It's almost like I could feel
Jamie, that hottie that sits behind me in class, staring at the back of my head...It felt great! And of
course, I was called first to read my presentation to the class, so I strolled up to the front of the room
with a gleaming smile...I actually winked at this girl who snickered at me in the front row...man was I
getting bold! I couldn't help myself though, this never happened to me before, it was like a dream, and
right when I was getting ready to start my presentation, the teacher called me aside...I thought I'd gone
too far with the winking, but decided not to lose my cool and casually stroll over to her to recieve my
reprimand. Dude, when she started talking to me, my stomach dropped to my feet, like I was on a fast
roller coaster ride, and I could feel my face turning as white as a ghost. It was like the whole day flashed
before my eyes. Well I thanked the teacher anyway, turned away from the class, swallowed my pride
and zipped-up my fly.
Ferris Bueller's Day Off(Ferris has just faked being sick to his parents to get out of school for the day)
Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second.
What a beautiful day! The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's physical
evidence of illness. It’s a good, non-specific symptom. Parents are generally pretty hip to the
fever scams. And to make them work you have to go a hundred and one, hundred and two. You
get a nervous mother and you end up in a doctor's office and that's worse than school. What you
do is fake a stomach cramp and when you’re doubled over, moaning and wailing, just lick your
palms. It's a little stupid and childish but then so if high school. Right? This is my ninth sick
day with semester. If I go for ten, I'm probably going to have to barf up a lung. So, I absolutely
must make this one count. I don't care if you're fifty five or seven; everybody needs a day off
now and then. It's a beautiful day. How can I be expected to handle high school? I do actually
have a test. That wasn't bullshit. That I care about it was. It's on European socialism. I mean,
really. What's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan to be European. So, who gives a shit if
they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists and it still wouldn't change the fact that I
don't own a car. Not that I condone fascism. Or any "isms". "Isms", in my opinion are not good.
A person should not believe in an "ism". He should believe in himself. John Lennon said it on his
first solo album. "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." A good point there.
After all, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off people. I'm
not very political? Let me put that into perspective... My uncle went to Canada to protest the
war, right? On the Fourth of July he was down with my aunt and he got drunk and told my Dad
he felt guilty he didn't fight in Viet Nam. So I said, "What's the deal, Uncle Jeff? In wartime you
want to be a pacifist and in peacetime you want to be a soldier. It took you twenty years to find
out you don't believe in anything?" (snaps his fingers) Grounded. Just like that. Two weeks.
(pause) Be careful when you deal with old hippies. They can be real touchy.
ROBOT CHICKEN STAR WARS MONOLOGUE
Darth Vader Calls Emperor Palpatine to tell him the unfortunate event that occurred to
the the Death Star
Emperor Palpatine:
[on the phone with Darth Vader] Vader! How's my favorite Sith?... Whoa whoa whoa... whoa,
whoa. Just - slow down. Huh? What do you mean they blew up the Death Star?! Crap!! Ah, crap,
crap, crap!... Who's THEY?!... What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon?! [sighs] OK, OK, so
who's left?... Are you kidding me?!... Well, where are you?... Wait a sec, you've been flying
around for two weeks trying to get a signal?... Oh, you must smell like... feet wrapped in
leathery, burnt bacon... Oh, oh, oh! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could
protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully
paid off yet!... Do you - do you have ANY idea what this is going to do to my credit? [phone
beeps, he sighs] Hang on, I've got another call. [switches line] WHAT? I'm very busy right
now!... Oh! Oh, well - well, where are they going?... Oh, alright Uh. Um, get me a turkey club...
Um, coleslaw I guess. I'm not even going to eat it... Well, what are you getting?... See, I always
order the wrong thing. No, no, I'll just stick with that. OK, bye - What?... Oh, uh, cherry coke.
Thanks. [switches line] Sorry about that. What?... Oh, oh, JUST rebuild it?... Oh, real freaking
original. And who's going to give me a loan, you?... You got an ATM on that torso Light Brite?
Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here, or I'm going to tell everyone what a whiny
baby you are about Padama-may or Panda-Bear what whatever the hell her name is!... [covers
receiver] Oh, Jeez, he's crying! [giggles, then into phone] Hey, hey, hey, hey. C'mon. C'mon,
don't do that. Just - just. Look, you know, I'm just dealing with a lot of crap right now. Death Star
blown up by a bunch of teenagers, you know? I didn't mean to snap. Oh, uh, just get back here.
OK. OK. Bye. I... um... I... [whispers into phone] I love you, too.
ROMEO AND JULIET
BENVOLIO
Romeo, away, be gone!
The citizens are up, and Tybalt slain.
Stand not amazed: the prince will doom thee death,
If thou art taken: hence, be gone, away!
There lies that Tybalt.
O noble prince, I can discover all
The unlucky manage of this fatal brawl:
There lies the man, slain by young Romeo,
That slew thy kinsman, brave Mercutio.
Tybalt, here slain, whom Romeo's hand did slay;
Romeo that spoke him fair, bade him bethink
How nice the quarrel was, and urged withal
Your high displeasure: all this uttered
With gentle breath, calm look, knees humbly bow'd,
Could not take truce with the unruly spleen
Of Tybalt deaf to peace, but that he tilts
With piercing steel at bold Mercutio's breast,
Who all as hot, turns deadly point to point,
And, with a martial scorn, with one hand beats
Cold death aside, and with the other sends
It back to Tybalt, whose dexterity,
Retorts it: Romeo he cries aloud,
'Hold, friends! friends, part!' and, swifter than
his tongue,
His agile arm beats down their fatal points,
And 'twixt them rushes; underneath whose arm
An envious thrust from Tybalt hit the life
Of stout Mercutio, and then Tybalt fled;
But by and by comes back to Romeo,
Who had but newly entertain'd revenge,
And to 't they go like lightning, for, ere I
Could draw to part them, was stout Tybalt slain.
And, as he fell, did Romeo turn and fly.
This is the truth, or let Benvolio die.
THE FIRST DAY
by Mary Krell-Oishi
Just breathe. Really, it isn’t that hard. I do it everyday. Just in and out. (s/he breathes
deeply, realizes it is loud, looks quickly around) Oh, good grief! Is everyone listening to me
breathe? (S/he scans the room) Settle yourself. It’s only school. I’ve been going to school
since I was a kid. I was a big deal in elementary school. Popular! Everybody loved me. (s/he
smiles at someone across the room who has clearly looked away.) What’s his
problem? (glances at reflection in the window) A zit! He saw that zit on my nose! I’ve never
had a zit before in my life. It was only a small bump last night. Now look at it. The first day of
school and my nose precedes me into the building by a foot because of this zit. Everyone is
looking at me. I’ll be known as the Human Zit for the rest of my school career. I should just go
find my first class and hide out with the teacher. Those will probably be my new best
friends. Teachers. Where’s my schedule? I put it somewhere. (panic begins to set in) What if
I can’t find it? What do I do? Ask someone? Who? I don’t see anyone I know. This school is
so big. I hate this school. I want to go back to sixth grade. I knew who I was there. Here I’ll be
the big loser who can’t find my class and hangs out with teachers. The Human Zit Loser who
eats lunch in the library. Alone. There’s got to be somebody here I know…(Recognizes a
friendly face, calls out) Chris? Hey! Over here. Chris! Yeah, Middle School! Totally
ready. Hey, meet me for lunch? Yeah? Cool. (waves goodbye) Cool. (confidence begins to
build) Now, where’s my first period class? (heads off to find the new world)
Conspiracy Theory
Never ride with a stranger. Good. Why shouldn't you ride with a stranger? Julie? Very good,
he might not be such a nice guy. A stranger might offer you candy... But then take you and put
you in a box full of snakes... You just never know. Now the second thing: Always wear your
seatbelt. Now why do we always want to wear our seatbelts? Mikey? Right... If you are in a car
accident you could get hurt. You might go through the windshield and get run over by an ice
cream truck. You just never know. Now this is the last and most important thing to remember.
The governments of the world are involved in a multinational conspiracy with an alien race from
the planet Zeon; the ultimate goal of this alliance being the total domination and conversion of
every man, woman, and child on this planet into hosts for a future alien race that will use all
mankind like cattle for food. Now are there any questions? Sarah? What is a multinational
conspiracy? Well that's when all the governments of the world get together to keep secrets from
the people. The aliens are already among us... Remember how Miss Grahm, your principal, told
you that little Johnny White had to move away? Miss Grahm is part of the conspiracy. What
really happened is that the aliens took over Johnny's Mommy and Daddy; they in turn changed
into alien monsters with huge teeth and giant claws. The Mommy monster alien was under the
bed and the Daddy monster was in the closet. Little Johnny didn't even know what hit him. The
monsters came out and started to tear that little boy to shreds. He screamed and
screamed... After they were done, they made a milkshake with his brain. Now are there any
more questions? Oh don't cry. Mikey? You're going to tell on me? To who? Miss
Graham? She's part of the conspiracy. She's an alien dressed up to look like a principal. Go
ahead and tell her... I wouldn't want to be in a room alone with her. She might suck your brain
right out your ear. Now... You wouldn't want that would you? Any other questions? Very
good. That was excellent for first graders! Okay, now tomorrow we are going to talk about the
letter "A", how to wash your hands correctly, and how to make a tinfoil hat that will keep the
alien species from reading your mind. Have a good afternoon children and don't forget what we
talked about today!
DRAW THE LINE
Look. I can't keep living like that. Going like that. I don't know how you do it. Up at the crack of
dawn and just go, go, go ... leave the office at midnight, rush home and fall into the bed-collapse
into the bed ... it feels like I've just closed my eyes, just shut them, when-(Makes an alarm
sound)-all of a sudden, the alarm goes off and it's time to start all over again! (Beat.) I went to
see my Dentist day before yesterday, you know, to have my teeth cleaned. Thanks. Well, I said,
to him, I said, Dr. Parker, I have this problem ... my gums are bleeding a lot. And he looked at
them and he said, well, you take care of them. They look perfectly healthy to me. And he said,
are you under a lot of stress? And I said, no. And he said, are you eating well? And I said, yeah,
sure. And he said the human body is an amazing machine. If you don't take care of it, it tries to
talk to you, to tell you something. So he looked at my gums again and he finally said for me to
go on home. But I went back to work. (Beat.) Around midnight, I left work and stopped by
McDonald's to get a Quarter Pounder on the way home. Like, my evening ritual. They know me
so well now they have it on the counter by the time I get my money out. So there I was at 2 a.m.
choking down this cold, crappy food which has become the staple of my life ... I'm eating over
the bathroom sink, washing the makeup off from under my eyes and it's gotten where I have to
put it on so thick just so I can hide all the circles ... and I just started to cry. I'm, like, my life is
my job and I hate my job and I hate my life! I cried for hours. I finally went to bed around dawn
and unplugged my phone. I slept for 15 hours straight. And when I finally woke up, I called in.
And quit. (Beat.) You just get to a point where you've got to draw the line somewhere. I wanted
my life back.
THE MISER
by Moliere
FROSIN
Who needs a dowry?! Why, this girl will bring you more than twelve thousand francs a year! To
begin with, she has been nursed and brought up with the strictest notions of frugality. She is a
girl accustomed to live upon salad, milk, cheese, and apples, and who consequently will require
neither a well served up table, nor any rich broth, nor your everlasting peeled barley; none, in
short, of all those delicacies that another woman would want. This is no small matter, and may
well amount to three thousand francs yearly. Besides this, she only cares for simplicity and
neatness; she will have none of those splendid dresses and rich jewels, none of that sumptuous
furniture in which girls like her indulge so extravagantly; and this item is worth more than four
thousand francs per annum. Lastly, she has the deepest aversion to gambling; and this is not very
common nowadays among women. Why, I know of one in our neighborhood who lost at least
twenty thousand francs this year. But let us reckon only a fourth of that sum. Five thousand
francs a year at play and four thousand in clothes and jewels make nine thousand; and three
thousand francs which we count for food, does it not make you twelve thousand francs?
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
written by Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, & Peter Jackson, from the novel J.R.R. Tolkien
Galadriel: The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air.
Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the
Great Rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to
the Dwarf-Lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine rings were
gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power. For within these rings was bound the
strength and the will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring
was made. Deep in the land of Mordor, in the Fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron
forged in secret a master ring to control all others, and into this ring he poured his cruelty, his
malice and his will to dominate all life. One ring to rule them all.
One by one, the free lands of Middle-Earth fell to the power of the Ring, but there were some
who resisted. A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Mordor, and on the
very slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Middle-Earth. Victory was near, but
the power of the ring could not be undone. It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that
Isildur, son of the king, took up his father's sword. Sauron, enemy of the free peoples of MiddleEarth, was defeated. The Ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever,
but the hearts of men are easily corrupted. And the ring of power has a will of its own. It
betrayed Isildur, to his death. Sauron, the enemy of the free peoples of Middle-Earth, was
defeated. The Ring passed to Isildur, who had this once chance to destroy evil forever. But the
hearts of Men are easily corrupted. And the ring of power has a will of its own. It betrayed
Isildur, to his death. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History
became legend, legend became myth. And for two and a half thousand years, the ring passed out
of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer. The Ring came to the
creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there it
consumed him. The ring brought to Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years it
poisoned his mind, and in the gloom of Gollum's cave, it waited. Darkness crept back into the
forests of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear, and the
Ring of Power percieved its time had now come. It abandoned Gollum. But something happened
then that the Ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable: a
Hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire. For the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the
fortunes of all.
Alice in Wonderland
[Angrily] Why, how impolite of him. I asked him a civil question, and he pretended not to hear me.
That's not at all nice. [Calling after him] I say, Mr. White Rabbit, where are you going? Hmmm. He won't
answer me. And I do so want to know what he is late for. I wonder if I might follow him. Why not?
There's no rule that I mayn't go where I please. I--I will follow him. Wait for me, Mr. White Rabbit. I'm
coming, too! [Falling] How curious. I never realized that rabbit holes were so dark . . . and so long . . .
and so empty. I believe I have been falling for five minutes, and I still can't see the bottom! Hmph!. . . . .
After such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling downstairs. How brave they'll all think me at
home. Why, I wouldn't say anything about it even if I fell off the top of the house! I wonder how many
miles I've fallen by this time. I must be getting somewhere near the center of the earth. I wonder if I
shall fall right through the earth! How funny that would be. Oh, I think I see the bottom. Yes, I'm sure I
see the bottom. I shall hit the bottom, hit it very hard, and oh, how it will hurt
The Notebook
© 2004 by Wendy Kesselman
Published by Dramatists Play Service, Inc.
ISBN: 978-0-8222-1906-4
WARREN:
I have a secret. A terrible secret. No one knows. No one in the world. Except my parents.
They have to. They live with me. But my secret…I like to read. What am I saying… “like.”
Get up every morning, go to bed every night, breathe, dream, tremble, live to read!...I
mean, I’ll read anything—cereal boxes, graffiti…But books! That first moment with a brandnew untouched book. Running my hand over the sleek shining cover. Opening it in the
silence of my room. That first page. Those first words. And you know what’s even better
than a new book? An old one. The worn leather cover, the soft secret smell! What hands
have touched these pages, devoured these words in some faraway room long ago? War and
Peace. My favorite! Exactly one thousand, four hundred and forty-four pages long. Why
does it have to end? I bought it from this amazing man at a secondhand bookstore on the
Lower East Side. And in it I found the one person I’d waited for my whole life, the person I’d
die for, my favorite, my only heroine—the radiant, the divine…Natasha! But I can’t go into
that now.