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How important is
“ Interpersonal Relationship”?
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A little survey on the 5th March 2011
■ Personal Rx:6,370,000
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results
Family Rx : 1,180,000
Dating Rx: 896,000
Love Rx: 1,390,000
Sexual Rx: 1,400,000
Marriage Rx: 685,000
Teen Rx : 90,100
■ Abusive Rx :703,000
■ Heterosexual Rx :
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210,000
Homosexual Rx : 106,000
Intercultural Rx : 59,300
Interracial Rx : 254,000
Internet Rx : 423,000
Interuniversity Rx : 9
Post-war Rx : 28,200
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Interpersonal Communication
■ Interpersonal communication happens when we
interact with others ( Hybels and Weaver II,
2004)
■ Interpersonal communication is about creating
and sharing meaning between persons in a
relationship ( Seiler and Beall, 2008)
■ We cannot survive without having interpersonal
communication.
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Subcomponents of interpersonal
communication: some examples
■ Dyadic communication
■ The true sabotage lies within communication
with oneself, in thoughts and in words
■ Interview
■ Small group communication
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What do we need to be good at
interpersonal communication?
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To be successful………..
■ To be successful in interpersonal
communication, we need emotional
intelligence ( EQ)
■ Simply put, emotional intelligence( Goleman,
1995), is the ability to understand and get along
with others.
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EQ
■ Goleman (1995) identified the five 'domains' of
EQ as:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Knowing your emotions.
Managing your own emotions.
Motivating yourself.
Recognising and understanding other people's
emotions.
5. Managing relationships
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Knowing your emotions: Self-awareness
■ We have to be able to deal with our emotions first before
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we can deal with the emotions of others. We need to
have self-awareness.
Self-awareness is to be aware of our own feelings and
what we are going through. We are able to stand with a
little distance and examine our situation, without being
overwhelmed.
Self awareness does not mean denial of our feelings etc
Self- awareness helps us to make appropriate responses
in any given situation.
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Managing own emotions
■ By managing own emotions we can express own
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emotions appropriate to the circumstances.
Managing emotions may not come easily as emotions
may be seated not in our consciousness
Emotions such as anger or anxiety are difficult to
manage.
Managing our emotions does not mean suppressing
them or denying their presence. It is about managing
them.
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Motivating Yourself
■ Part of motivating yourself is setting to reach a goal and
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disciplining yourself to do what you have to do to achieve
the goal.
A lot is to do with resisting impulses.
Other influences on motivation is positive thinking and
optimism.
There are various theories related to motivation and
need to form relationships.
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Recognising and understanding other
people’s emotions
■ Recognising and understanding other people’s
emotions is important in relationships.
■ Pity, sympathy and empathy: which is the best in
relationships?
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Recognising and understanding other
people’s emotions
■ Empathy is the extent to which we can sit in
somebody else’s place, sees what s/he sees
and taste what s/he tastes.
■ With empathy we can reach out and help others
and it is very therapeutic for any relationship.
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Managing Relationships
■ People who can manage relationships are
usually positive, energetic and make other
people feel positive too.
■ Other characteristics are : popular with people
as they can “connect” and empathise, have a
sense of balance, recognise their own needs
and get them fulfilled etc.
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More to help us understand ourselves and
others…………
■ We communicate to fulfill various needs.
■ As motivation affects our communication, understanding
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motivation and needs to form relationships helps us to
create better communication and more meaningful
relationships.
Our motivation to stay in relationships varies and at
times cannot be fully understood.
Theories can help us to understand and make sense of
things (Madison, 2005; Thomas, 2005) and give us
patterns of meanings (Shank, 2006).
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Uncertainty Reduction Theory ( URT)
■ This theory was developed by Charles Berger and
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Richard Calabrese.
URT suggests that when we meet others to whom we
are attracted to, our need to know them tends to make
us draw inferences initially from the physical data that
we observe.
The urge to reduce our certainty about those individuals
motivates us to know the person/s further, i.e to
communicate with them.
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Uncertainty Reduction Theory ( URT)
■ So the core assumption of the theory is : when strangers
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meet, they seek to reduce their uncertainties about each
other.
The more attracted we are to the other person , the
stronger is the desire to know more about the person.
There are three ( 3) stages of initial interaction: entry
phase, personal phase and the exit phase.
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URT : The entry phase
■ The entry stage of relational development is
characterized by the use of behavioral norms. The
contents of the exchanges are often demographic and
transactional. Common initial questions are: Where are
you from? Or, Do you have any pets? The level of
involvement will increase as the strangers move into the
second stage (Berger & Calabrese, 99–100).
■ We also learn information that is easily observed such as
physical appearance, height and skin colour.
■ The level of involvement will increase as the strangers
move into the second stage (Berger & Calabrese, (1975
pp 99–100).
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URT : The personal phase
■ The second stage, or personal phase, is when strangers
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begin to explore the attitudes and beliefs of the other.
Typically, this stage is entered after the strangers have
had several entry stage interactions.
One will probe the other for indications of their values,
morals and personal issues. Emotional involvement
tends to increase as disclosures are made (Berger &
Calabrese, 1975, pg 100).
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URT : The exit phase
■ The final stage of interactional development is the exit
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phase. Here, the former strangers decided if they want to
continue to develop a relationship. Any plans for the
future are made/decided. If there is not mutual liking,
either can choose not to pursue a relationship (Berger &
Calabrese, 100).
Understanding the cycle of relational development is key
to studying how people seek to reduce uncertainty about
others.
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Social Exchange Theory
■ More likely than not, we enter into a relationship because
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we believe there would be benefits for us.
Example: u date someone, hoping to receive
companionship, affection and love.
This theory ( SET) was formulated by John W. Thibaut
and Harold H. Kelly.
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Social Exchange Theory
■ Social Exchange theory explains how we feel
about a relationship with another person as
depending on our perceptions of:
o The balance between what we put into the
relationship and what we get out of it.
o The kind of relationship we deserve.
o The chances of having a better relationship with
someone else.
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Social Exchange Theory
■ A benefits is anything that it perceived to improve our
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self-interest; those things which brings us pleasure,
satisfaction or gratification.
Prestige, economic gain ( saving money ) and fulfillment
of emotional needs are all considered benefits.
Costs are any negative things or behaviours that we
perceive to be not beneficial to our self interest. For
example, to enter into or maintain a relationship, time,
physical and emotional energy and the economic costs
has to be considered.
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Social Exchange Theory
■ The essence of SET is that people are motivated to
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enter into or maintain relationships in terms of benefits
and costs.
In deciding what is fair, we develop a comparison level
against which we compare the give/take ratio. This level
will vary between relationships, with some being more
giving and others where we get more from the
relationship.
If a relationship is healthy and satisfying, there is equity
or “equality between benefits and costs”.
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Fundamental Interpersonal Relations
Orientation Theory (FIRO)
■ Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation (FIRO)
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is a theory of interpersonal relations, introduced by
William Shutz in 1958.
This theory mainly explains the interpersonal underworld
of a small group.
The theory is based on the belief that when people get
together in a group, there are three main interpersonal
needs they are looking to obtain – affection ,inclusion
and control.
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FIRO: The need for affection
■ The need for affection is the need to feel likeable or lovable.
■ People join groups or any services ( such as dating
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services) are seeking to fulfill their need for belonging and
love.
According to this theory, a person who seem to be liked by
many and therefore has his/her need for affection fulfilled is
referred to as personal.
On the other hand, someone who has not had his/her need
for affection fulfilled is referred to as underpersonal or
overpersonal.
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FIRO : The Need for Affection
■ Underpersonal people avoid emotional commitments or
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involvement with others.
Often they are hiding their true selves because they fear
that others will not like them as they are.
Like other human beings, underpersonal people have a
need for affection but have learned to cover it by not
letting others get close to them. Why?
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FIRO : The Need for Affection
■ Overpersonal people are the opposite of
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underpersonals.
To get their need for affection, they go to the extremes to
ensure acceptance by others.
They seek approval by being extremely intimate in what
they communicate.
These individuals can be possessive or jealous when
others talk to their friends or partners.
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FIRO : The Need for Affection
■ Personal people are the “balanced” persons; tend to be
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poise, confident, mature and able to deal with almost
everyone with whom they are in contact with.
Personal people are well liked but do not consider being
liked by everyone as the essential ingredient for their
happiness
Other characteristics: easy to talk with and at ease with
themselves.
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FIRO : The Need for Inclusion
■ The need for inclusion encompass the needs to feel
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significant and worthwhile.
Shutz describes people for this need as social,
undersocial and oversocial.
Undersocial people do not like being around with people
and find communicating with people as threatening.
Undersocial people usually finds it difficult to speak out
and generally avoids saying anything for fear to draw
attention to themselves.
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FIRO : The Need for Inclusion
■ Oversocial people is the opposite of undersocial people.
■ Oversocial people seem to cannot stop being involved
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with people and communicating with others; tend to
dominate conversations, usually speak out of turn, and
find it hard to keep quiet.
Oversocial people prefer situations in which they can
dominate the flow of communication. Why?
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FIRO: The Need for Control
■ This is the 3rd need in FIRO.
■ Almost all of us has the need to control others and our
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environment.
But, some individuals wish to be controlled by others;
hence we are either abdicrats, autocrats or democrats.
Abdicrats are extremely submissive to others; have little
or no self confidence, perceive themselves as
incompetent, take few risks , rarely make decisions on
their own and need lots of support and reinforcement in
believing themselves.
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FIRO: The Need for Control
■ Autocrats are always controlling.
■ They make decisions and voice strong opinions.
■ As their needs for power are strong, they do not care
whom they hurt in their search for control.
■ They show little respect for others.
■ Democrats are………….
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FIRO: The Need for Control
■ Democrats are people with their needs for
control satisfied.
■ They are comfortable as either leaders or
followers, no exaggeration in either the leader or
follower roles, open minded and willing to accept
other people’s suggestions for the good of the
group.
■ Get things done but not at the expense of other
people.
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Relationships : Knowing you knowing me
■ In all relationships, whether intimate or not
intimate, participants are expected to play
certain roles.
■ Roles are sometimes clearly defined, sometimes
are flexible.
■ Much of our success in playing the role depends
on how well we communicate in that role.
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Learning about others through face-to-face
relationships
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Beginning conversations: the importance of
small talk
■ A “small talk” is a way to start conversation.
■ A ‘small talk” is a casual conversation which includes
exchange of hellos, whether etc and trivia(Seiler and
Beall, 2008)
■ A small talk is a social conversation about unimportant
topics which allows people to maintain contact without
making a deep commitment (Hybels and Weaver II,
2004).
■ There are many ways of doing small talks and sholars
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The importance of small talk
■ Some people think that small talk is a waste of time, but
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being able to connect with others through small talk can
lead to big things ( Debra Fine in The Fine Art of Small
Talk)
“Every conversation is an opportunity for success” (
Debra Fine)
Many people do not realise the importance of the
relationship in small talk, forget about the context and
the non-verbal clues.
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Tips for beginning conversations
1.
2.
3.
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5.
6.
7.
8.
Use the other person’s name as much as possible.
Use eye contact appropriately
Get the other person to talk about himself/herself
Keep it light, casual and positive
Be confident and pay attention to what is being said.
Keep up-to-date with the current news
Use small talk to reduce uncertainty between you and
the others.
Know when and how to end the conversation.
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More tips ( by Diana Booher, 1996)
■ Introduce yourself in a way that facilitate a way for the
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other person to respond.
Give the other party a way to remember your name
Personalise your greetings or “opening lines”
End your conversations gracefully and with a “
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Self-disclosures
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References:
■ Seiler, W. J and Beall, M. L ( 2008). Communication.
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Making Connections ( 7th ed). Boston: Pearson
Goleman,D. ( 1995). Emotional Intelligence. New York :
Bantam.
Hybels, S., and Weaver II, R. L ( 2004). Communcating
Effectively ( 7th ed). Boston: Mc Graw Hill
Verdeber, R. F. and Verderber, K.S (
2005).Communicate( 11th ed). CA: Thomson/Wadsworth
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References:
■ http://www.businessballs.com/eq.htm
■ http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/social_ex
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change.htm
Shank, G. D. ( 2006). Qualitative Research. A Personal
Skills Approach (2nd ed.). New Jersey: Prentice Hall.
Thomas, R. M. (2005). Comparing Theories of Child
Development (6th ed.). Belmont, CA: Thomson
http://dictionary.sensagent.com/fundamental+interperson
al+relations+orientation/en-en/
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