Kathrynn Denos
Comm 1050
Instructor: Shirene Bell
9-17-2010
Relational Dialectics
Introduction
Communication theorists, Baxter and Montgomery say that every interpersonal relationship
experiences ‘dialectics’ which is a constant opposing pull in a relationship between the
partners. This is known as the Internal Dialectic. They also talk about the relationship between a
couple and the outside world, which Baxter and Montgomery call the ‘external dialectic’ (Griffin
157). “The ‘Praxis Patterns’ are the types of communication behaviors a couple uses to respond
to the dialectic tensions” (Baxter and Montgomery 59). In this paper I will be discussing with
you the internal dialectics used between my boyfriend and I through Connectedness and
Separateness as well as the conflict between us as a couple and the outside world through
Inclusion and Seclusion. Given the many different praxis patterns that there are, this paper will
explain the praxis patterns my boyfriend and I use in these dialectics, and which praxis pattern
may work better for our relationship.
Description of the Relationship
My boyfriend and I have been dating for four and a half years, since I was sixteen years old. We
met at our place of work, Little Caesars. We were attracted to each other because of the
opposite ways of life that we lived and the curiosity we had about the other. He came from a
divorced family with all brothers, alternating his life from mother to father which may have
assisted in leading him down a hard road for awhile. I have four sisters and one brother and
came from a good home with parents who are together and love each other very much. Having
such opposite backgrounds and views is where the conflict arises with us. He prefers a lot of
alone time, while I love seeing him all of the time. However, this conflict has helped us to better
understand others but has created tension in the dialectics I will now be discussing.
Internal Dialectic Analysis
The Internal Dialectic of ‘Connectedness and Separateness’ is a primary strain within all
relationships (Baxter and Montgomery 157). In order to have a successful relationship, there
needs to be an even balance between ‘Connectedness and Separateness’. Baxter says, “No
relationship can exist by definition unless the parties sacrifice some individual autonomy.
However, too much connection paradoxically destroys the relationship because the individual
identities become lost” (29). This balance can be tricky to form. Simon and Baxter say that these
dialectical problems are faced by many couples and are perfectly normal in a healthy
relationship (Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10). I love my boyfriend and he loves
me, even though he prefers more time apart than I do. This conflict has arisen in our
relationship many of times. He works a graveyard shift and gets two nights off a week. On these
two nights, much of his time he prefers to spend alone, participating in his hobbies such as
making music, or reading. He likes to do this because he does not get much alone time due to
the odd shift that he works. I personally have a lot of alone time, while he is sleeping which is
during the day, and while he is working, which is late at night. When he gets his nights off, I
want to see him for all of it, he wants to see me too, but needs time for himself as well. We
came to the conclusion that we would need to compromise with each others’ wants and needs
in order to be happy together. Now, he will spend time with me at the beginning of the night,
and he gets his alone time when I go to sleep. Also, I give him the whole night to himself when
he requests it. We are much closer and connected when we balance out our differences to
create a better relationship.
External Dialectic Analysis
My boyfriend and I do not just have the ‘Tug-of-war’ with ourselves in our individual
relationship, but we have this tension between us and our different groups of friends. When we
get asked to go out, we are usually asked by a group of his friends and a different group of my
friends. We want to make everyone happy and sometimes are at a loss with which friends we
would dare turn down. In order to find a happy medium, to solve this conflict, we try to spend
time with the group we did not hangout with last time. Finding this balance has caused less
tension between our relationships with the outside world. A lot of times we will make the
decision to hangout with neither of the groups and spend time alone with each other. We
decided to do what makes us happy and expect our friends to understand.
Praxis Analysis
Tensions between the different dialectics can be stressful. There are ways to deal with these
tensions so that the tug-of-war instance can be lessened. A praxis pattern is used to solve the
conflict. A praxis pattern is a pattern, or way that someone in a relationship who runs into a pull
or opposite view of a situation, can find a way to resolve any opposing choices. The praxis
pattern that I find within my personal relationship is recalibration. “Recalibration is where the
poles of the dialectic are transformed in a particular situation so that they are no longer
regarded as oppositional” (Baxter and Montgomery 59-68). In the situation regarding my
boyfriend and I wanting to see each other, but him wanting his own time, we use recalibration
because this conflict comes up so much that the poles most of the time automatically fall to us
spending time together and it does not become or remain a problem.
Recommendations for better Praxis Patterns
A better praxis pattern that my boyfriend and I could use is Balance. Balance would be the best
in my opinion because we would both compromise instantly to where both of our wants and
needs are met. In this case, we would spend some of the night together, and some of the night
apart, which does happen sometimes.
Conclusion
Knowing about the constant pull in relationships and how it falls into an internal and in other
cases an external dialectic is important to know. As the saying goes, ‘Knowledge is Power’. The
knowledge we use is by understanding the praxis patterns and how they work. Just
understanding the patterns is not where the power comes from. The power comes from being
able to decide which pattern works best for the situation we are dealing with, and can make
both my boyfriend and I happy together.
Works Cited
Baxter, Leslie A. and Barbara M. Montgomery. Relating: Dialogues and Dialectics.
New York: Guilford, 1996. 59-68, 157
Baxter, Leslie A. “Dialectical Perspective,” 29
Griffin, Em, Communication: A First Look at Communication Theory. 7th ed.
Boston: McGraw Hill, 2006
Simon, Eric and Baxter, Leslie A. “Relationship Maintenance Strategies and Dialectical Contradictions in
Personal Relationships.” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10, (1993): 225-242.
8 March 2000 <http//www.oak.cats.ohiou.edu/~nw583098/rd.htm>.
Whittenburg and Shedletsky. “Relational Dialectics of Leslie Baxter and Barbara Montgomery.”
University of Southern Maine. (1999) <http://www.usm.maine.edu/com/>