A Semi-Factual Tour
of London.
Great Wall not in
London
To London
Great
Britain
London
Other destinations
Downtown London
St. Paul’s
Cathedral
Piccadilly
Circus
Tower of
London
Trafalgar
Square
Tower Bridge
Big Ben
Buckingham
Westminster
Palace
Abbey
Back
Buckingham Palace
Built in 1703, it was
bought by George III
and became the official
residence of the king
and queen of England.
Guards are always stationed
around the palace. They are
replaced every day at 11:30am
with an elaborate ceremony.
Queen Elizabeth poses with a guard.
Some sort of fountaintype doodad.
London
Piccadilly Circus
The hub of the city.
Five major streets
intersect here. Not
actually a circus.
A statue of Eros (pagan
god of love) stands atop
a fountain, watching
over the neon signs of
products from foreign
competitors.
The only authentic English product
in this photo.
Funny name. Where
did it come from?
London
Piccadilly Circus
Picadils were made and
sold here. A picadil is a
frilly collar worn in the
17th Century by teenage
boys. It has fallen out
of style in recent years,
but is poised for a
return.
The word circus
probably refers to the
crowds and activity that
occurs here due to its
central location. Or the
dancing monkeys.
Piccadilly Circus
Westminster Abbey
Built between the 13th and 16th
Centuries, Westminster Abbey is
known for its gothic architecture and
dead people.
London
Westminster Abbey
Those buried here:
Those not buried here:
A bunch of kings and
queens
William Shakespeare
Robert Browning
Henry VII
Geoffrey Chaucer
Elizabeth II
Charles Darwin
John Lennon
Charles Dickens
John Wayne
Rudyard Kipling
Mick Jagger
Isaac Newton
Hugh Grant
Alfred Lord Tennyson
Mr. Bean
Sir Winston Churchill
Return to Westminster Abbey
Big Ben
Clock Tower
One of the most famous
landmarks of London,
the House of
Parliament (not Big
Ben) is where
England’s laws are
created.
House of Parliament
Thames River
On the north (right) side
of the building is the
clock tower (not Big
Ben). The minute hand
is 14 feet long.
So what is Big Ben?
London
Big Ben
Big Ben is actually the bell inside
the clock tower.
Quick Facts:
Weight: 13 tons
Diameter: 9 ft.
Height: 7 ft. 6 in.
First rang (is it rang or rung?): 1859,
(two months later, the bottom
cracked)
Named after Sir Benjamin Hall (who
had approximately the same
characteristics, including a cracked
bottom).
Return to Big Ben
St. Paul’s Cathedral
This Protestant
church rises an
unbelievable
366 ft. making it
one of the most
medium sized
buildings in the
world.
Why was St. Paul’s Cathedral built five times?
London
St. Paul’s Cathedral
604 - Built with straw.
675 - Destroyed by fire.
675 to 685 - Rebuilt with wood.
962 - Set on fire by Vikings.
963 to 970 - Rebuilt with gasoline-soaked rags.
1087 - Destroyed by fire.
1100 to 1240 - Rebuilt with stone.
1240 to Present - Still standing (except in 1666
when it was destroyed by fire and rebuilt between
1675 and 1708)
Return to St. Paul’s Cathedral
Tower Bridge
Weather conditions on March 21
Built in 1894.
The drawbridge in the
center can open,
allow a boat through,
and close in 5
minutes. That sounds
fast, but it’s probably
not. I don’t know.
More Info
In 1912, Frank McClean flew his biplane through the center of the bridge “to
avoid an accident”. The circumstances are backed up by statements made
by McClean before the incident in which he said, “I’m going to fly my
biplane through the center of the bridge ‘to avoid an accident”
London
Tower Bridge
Weather conditions from March 22 to March 20
Pedestrian walkways
used while the
drawbridge is up.
Today, it collects pigeon
waste. Lazy Brits prefer
to wait 5 minutes for the
bridge to go down,
instead of using the
walkway and crossing in
a mere 18 minutes.
Possibly the Loch Ness monster.
Return to Tower Bridge
Frank McClean
Frank escaped to America where
he stayed hidden until July 5, 1976
when he drove his Ford Pinto into
the front of a McDonald’s “to avoid
an accident”. He now lives in
Tacoma under the name Benjamin
Hall.
Return to Tower Bridge
Trafalgar Square
Nelson
Column
Statues
Flying Rats
London
Trafalgar Square
The statues in
Trafalgar Square
are dedicated to
the native wildlife
of England. They
include lions,
dolphins,
mermaids, and old
white men.
Return to Trafalgar Square
Though they appear to be ill, the dolphin
and the mermaid child are in fact statues.
The substance spewing from their mouths
is water and not stomach contents, since
statues have no stomachs.
Trafalgar Square
Nelson’s Column is 185 ft. high and
often obscures words written on this
page.
It was constructed in 1829 to
commemorate Admiral Horatio
Nelson’s win over Napoleon in the
Battle of Trafalgar in 1805.
The marble statue of Nelson located
at the top of the column is 18 foot tall,
although the real admiral was
actually only half that size and made
out of silly putty.
Return to Trafalgar Square
You can see evil in
their eyes
Hint: When they begin to
swarm, cover your eyes.
They peck.
Return to
Trafalgar Square
Tower of London
Features of the Tower
London
Attacking the Tower
Built in 1090, the Tower of London was a castle, fortress, and prison.
Abandoned in 1559, it is now a museum to the magnificence and
cruelty of the English Royalty.
Moat
Beefeaters
The
Block
White
Tower
Bloody
Tower
Traitor’s
Gate
Return to Tower of London
Ravens
The Moat
The moat had two purposes: protection and sanitation. It kept invaders from
reaching the castle and provided a place to dump human waste. It was
supposed to drain into the Thames river, but it didn’t. The resulting stench
was one reason for the abandonment of the tower.
When the moat was finally drained in
1830, thousands of human bones were
found along with what appeared to be a
tennis court. Today, the moat must be
mowed four times a week.
Standing on 500 years of human waste
Return to Features
Ancient tennis court
Traitor’s Gate
This gate was the major entrance for prisoners of the English
Royalty. Many never left the Tower.
Also known as “America’s Gate”.
George welcomes fellow
Americans to the Tower.
Return to Features
Bloody Tower
The Garden Tower was renamed the Bloody Tower in the 16th
Century due to the deeds committed there.
13-year-old Edward V and his 10-year-old brother were
killed by their uncle Richard III, who took over the throne.
Sir Walter Raleigh was imprisoned for 10 years
here.
Archbishop Cranmer, Bishop Ridley, and
Bishop Latimer were imprisoned here before
being burned at the stake.
Thomas Overbury was poisoned while being
held in the Bloody Tower.
Return to Features
Nick Nolte spent
2 days here for
drunk driving.
The Chopping Block
On this paved area, a stage was build to
perform beheadings. These executions
were performed secretly in the tower to
avoid riots on the streets.
Immediately following the executions,
the victims heads were quickly turned
so the victim could see the headless
body.
Return to Features
Those beheaded here:
Anne Boleyn - wife of Henry VII - infidelity
Catherine Howard - wife of Henry VII - had a daughter instead of
a son
Jane Grey - wife of Henry VII - ?
Robert Devereux - boyfriend of Elizabeth I (Henry VII’s daughter)
Henry VII
Henry VII
Hi. My names Henry. I’m a capricorn. I like swimming in the moat and
playing tennis. My favorite afternoon activity is beheading people. I killed
two of my wives because they had the nerve to give birth to daughters. The
Pope refused to acknowledge my divorces, so I had my wives killed. Then I
found an easier way; I changed the national religion to the Church of
England and made myself the supreme head of the church. Now I can
marry and divorce as much as I want.
My best friend is Thomas More, but he would not
acknowledge my divorce, so I had him killed. I didn’t
like my daughter’s boyfriend, so I had him killed.
Then for good measure, I had both of my daughter’s
thrown in prison.
If you think Henry is a great catch call 555-4355
Back to the Chopping Block
White Tower
Located in the center of the Tower of London, the White Tower was the
entire seat of government during the Middle Ages. The royal family lived
on the top floor. The council chambers were on the lower floor.
Great leaders such as Henry VII
and Richard III spent much of
90 feet high
the day in their office signing
execution orders and illegally
downloading music.
15 feet thick
One entrance
High tech
beheading
device?
Return to Features
Beefeaters
Officially called the Yeoman Warders, the beefeaters were established in
1485 as King Henry VIII’s bodyguards. Henry VIII had a few enemies due
to all the beheadings. After the royalty moved out of the Tower, these elite
fighters and protectors were converted to elite tour guides.
So, why are they called beefeaters? It was an insulting term given to
the Yeomans by the common people. The pampered guards ate roast
beef, while everybody else ate mutton, which is apparently bad.
May or may not be
Sylvester Stallone
Return to
Features
Ravens
There have always been ravens in the Tower of London. The ravens are a
good luck charm. Legend says that if the ravens ever leave, the English
Empire will collapse. So the good spirited people of London clipped the
birds wings.
Possibly due to the wing
clipping, the ravens
have grown bitter and
vengeful. They will peck
your eyes out.
Bitter and vengeful
Look of Fear
Return to Features
Attacking the Tower
Your band of soldiers is starting an attack on the Tower. This is the route you will take.
First, you must cross the moat and pass through the first tunnel. The 90°
left turn creates difficulty with a battering ram (which you need to pass
through the thick doors). On top of the first tunnel are archers and guys
with sticks.
Next Step
Finish
Start
To get past the first tunnel, you must
subdue the senior citizen in the ticket
booth.
Attacking the Tower
Cross the draw bridge (if it is down) while archers
shoot at you. Then, enter the second tunnel. The
second gate has a door and 2 falling gates (with
sharpened spikes). Holes in the roof of the tunnel
allow the guards to dump scalding oil on you.
Next Step
Finish
Start
Slots for archers
Attacking the Tower
Make your way down the inner walkway. Dodge the
arrows and tourists.
Next Step
Finish
Archer stations
Start
Tourist
Attacking the Tower
Take a left turn to enter the tunnel under
the Bloody Tower. Two thick doors block
your way. The doors open outward so
they become blocked by the bodies of
your fellow soldiers.
Next Step
Finish
Start
Attacking the Tower
You have reached the White Tower. Since the
first floor is 15 feet high, you must go all the
way around the building to reach the only
entrance. A wooden set of stairs leads to the
door, but the stairs have been destroyed by
the beefeaters to protect the king and queen.
Next Step
Finish
Start
Attacking the Tower
As you attempt to scale the wall to reach the door, the royal guards
poor boiling oil on you, burning most of your body. You and your
fellow soldiers are captured, beheaded, and thrown into the moat.
Try Again
Finish
Start
Return to Tower of London
Paris, France
Next
Cawker City, Kansas
Largest Ball of Twine
Next
Amarillo, Texas
Cadillac Ranch
Next
Zillah, Washington
Teapot Gas Station
Next
Hope, Arkansas
Watermelon Tower
Next
Austin, Minnesota
Hormel Spam Museum
Back to England
Map