Manning School of Business
Session05:
Envisioning Exercise
& Revising Writing
Dr. Mark H. Mortensen
Sections 211 and 212
M & W 2:00 to 3:15
3:30 to 4:45
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Session 5
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Turn in Assignment A
Have bought the text books online.
Have Read: HBR Guide to Better Business Writing –
Chapters 1 – 21
Workshop: Envisioning Exercise
Discussion: Revising Writing – How to Do It
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Envisioning Workshop – Part 1
Imagining an Optimal Future Exercise –
adapted from Diane Perlman, PhD
Describe what you would like your lifestyle to be in 10 years
1. What will your social arrangements be?
Where will you be living?
b) In what kind of a place will you be living?
c) Who will you be living with?
a)
2.
3.
What will you be wearing?
What will your work situation be like?
What will you be doing for a living?
b) Will you be your own boss? Working at a salaried job? Working on commission?
c) How will your day progress?
a)
i.
ii.
iii.
iv.
v.
4.
Get up & go to work (home, urban, office park, foreign country?)
Get into work (how? Walk? Drive? Public transportation?)
Work (Doing what? Sitting at a desk? Traveling around?)
Leave – (Early? Late? How?)
Go where? (Home? Bar? School? Second job?)
What will you do for fun?
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Envisioning Workshop – Part 2
Once you have described the best possible
future you can imagine, describe how you
got there:
 What did you do, beginning in 2013 to lead
up to this situation?
 What major steps did you take to get
there?
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The Writing Process
Madman
Correcting grammar,
spelling, punctuation,
format, and mechanics
Judge
Proofreading
Architect
Carpenter
Improving content and
sentence structure
May involve adding,
cutting, and recasting.
Revising
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Memo Revised for Conciseness
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Use Concise Wording
Do not use two words when one will do –
or a hundred when ten will do!
Instead of this
Try this
We are of the opinion that
We think
Please feel free to
Please
In addition to the above
Also
At this point in time
Now
Despite the fact that
Although
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Limit Long Lead-Ins
Instead of this
Try this
This memo is to inform
you that all employees
will meet today.
All employees will
meet today.
I am writing this letter
to say thanks to
everyone who voted.
Thanks to
everyone who
voted.
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Drop Unnecessary Fillers
Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there
is/was and it is/was when used merely to take
up space.
Instead of this
Try this
There was only one
employees who should
be promoted.
It was Lisa and Jeff
who were honored.
Only one employee
should be promoted.
Lisa and Jeff were
honored.
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Revise the following sentences to avoid flabby
expressions, long lead-ins, and unnecessary
there is/it is fillers.
This e-mail message is to
inform you that there is a
new health benefit plan
available for employees.
A new health benefit
plan is available for
employees.
Quick
Check
We probably will
I would like to take this
opportunity to inform
everyone that in all
probability we expect to win
the contract.
win the contract.
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Revise the following sentences to achieve
conciseness.
In addition to the above,
there are contracts that are
attached hereto.
Two contracts are
also attached.
company intranet, please
feel free to call whenever
necessary.
on the company
intranet, please call
whenever necessary.
Quick
Despite the fact that most
Although most
Check
information is posted on the information is posted
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Remove Redundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What
words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning
close proximity
exactly identical
filled to capacity
final outcome
necessary requisite
new beginning
past history
refer back
serious danger
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Remove Redundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What
words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning
close proximity
exactly identical
filled to capacity
final outcome
necessary requisite
new beginning
past history
refer back
serious danger
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Dump Trite Expressions
Trite and Outdated
Modern
as per your request
at your request
pursuant to your request
at your request
attached hereto
attached
under separate cover
separately
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Jargon
Avoid technical terms and special terminology
that readers would not recognize.
Computer Jargon
queue
Alternative
export
transfer data from one
program to another
bandwidth
Internet capacity
list of documents
waiting to be printed
Is jargon ever permissible?
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Slang
Avoid slang (informal expressions with
arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).
to “bag on”
to tease, to nag, or to
complain
clueless
turkey
unaware, naïve
someone stupid or silly
relax
chill/chill out
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Slang
An example from the world of Dilbert:
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Clichés
Avoid clichés (overused expressions).
Substitute more precise words.
Instead of this
Try this
Last but not least, you
should keep your nose
to the grindstone.
Finally, you should
work diligently.
We had reached the
end of our rope.
We could go no
further.
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Revise the following sentences to avoid
redundancies, trite business expressions,
jargon, and slang.
Last but not least, the
attorney referred back to an
exactly identical case.
Finally, the attorney
referred to an
identical case.
Quick
Check
With a little advance
With warning, we
warning, we could have sold could have sold out
out before our stocks tanked. before our stocks hit
bottom.
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Revise the following sentences to avoid
redundancies, trite business expressions,
jargon, and slang.
Ms. Miller, who shoots
straight from the shoulder,
demanded final completion
by January 1.
Ms. Miller, who is
straightforward,
demanded
completion by
January 1.
Pursuant to your request,
As you requested, a
enclosed please find a check check for $150 is
for $150.
enclosed.
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Buried Verbs
Use active language.
Tip
Look for words ending in
tion or ment. Could they
be more efficiently and
forcefully converted to verbs?
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Buried Verbs
Instead of this
Try this
The manager came to
the realization that
telecommuting made
sense.
The manager
realized that
telecommuting
made sense.
A job seeker must
make application
before May 1.
A job seeker must
apply before
May 1.
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Buried Verbs
Instead of this
Try this
Once we have the
establishment of a
Web site, our
business will grow.
Once we
establish a Web
site, our business
will grow.
Please give serious
consideration to a
company intranet.
Please seriously
consider a
company intranet.
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Control Exuberance
To sound credible, don’t overuse intensifiers
such as very, definitely, quite, completely,
extremely, really, actually, and totally
Excessive
Businesslike
The manager is actually
quite pleased with your
proposal because the
plan is definitely
workable.
The manager is
pleased with your
proposal because
the plan is workable.
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Precise Words
Revise your writing to include precise words.
Strive for specific verbs, concrete nouns, and
vivid adjectives. Beware of unclear pronouns.
Unclear
More Precise
The man asked
for a raise.
Jeff Jones asked for a 10
percent salary increase.
An employee
presented a
proposal.
Kelly Keeler, production
manager, presented a plan
to stagger hours.
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Precise Words
Revise your writing to include descriptive,
dynamic adjectives instead of overworked,
all-purpose ones.
Instead of this
Try this
They thought her
report was good.
The management council
thought Erin’s report was
factual and well written.
She said she would
get in touch.
Sheila said she would
send you an e-mail.
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In the following sentences, unbury verbs and
control exuberance.
The seller said he definitely
would contact you.
The seller promised
to e-mail (telephone
or fax) you.
Quick
Check
We must give
We must encourage
encouragement to our team. our team.
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In the following sentences, unbury verbs and
control exuberance.
Moviegoers actually show a
total preference for buttered
popcorn.
Moviegoers prefer
buttered popcorn.
Please make an assessment Please assess the
of the home’s value.
home’s value.
Ann made a suggestion that
we hire Lee.
Ann suggested that
we hire Lee.
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Designing Documents for
Readability
Employ white space.
 Headings
 Short paragraphs
 Ragged-right margins
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Designing Documents for
Readability
Use bulleted and numbered lists.
 Break up complex information into smaller
chunks.
 Use numbered lists for sequences.
 Use bulleted lists for items that don’t
require a certain order.
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Designing Documents for
Readability
Use a numbered list for instructions.
Instead of this
Try this
To clean the printer, you
should do the following.
First, you should
disconnect the power
cord. Then you open the
front cover, and the
printer area should be
cleaned with a soft cloth.
To clean the printer, do
the following:
1. Disconnect the power
cord.
2. Open the front cover.
3. Clean the printer with
a soft cloth.
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Designing Documents for
Readability
Organize information with column headings.
Instead of this
Try this
On April 3 we will be in
Toledo, and the speaker
is Troy Lee. On May 20
we will be in Detroit, and
the speaker is Sue Wu.
Date
City
Speaker
April 3 Toledo Troy Lee
May 20 Detroit Sue Wu
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Designing Documents for
Readability
Use letters to list items within sentences.
Strive for parallelism.
Instead of this
Try this
Our team constantly tries
to achieve our goals,
customer service must be
improved, and our
production targets must
be met.
Our team constantly tries
to (a) achieve our goals,
(b) improve customer
service, and (c) hit our
production targets.
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Designing Documents for
Readability
Use paragraph headings to improve
organization and readability.
Instead of this
Try this
The next topic is
vacations. A new vacation
schedule will be available
on May 1.
To assist employees, we
will begin a flex schedule
in the fall.
Vacations. A new vacation
schedule will be available
on May 1.
Flextime. To assist
employees, we will begin a
flex schedule in the fall.
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Arrange the following in a concise, bulleted
vertical list.
In the next training
The next training session
session, the trainer will will demonstrate
demonstrate how to
•
Creating podcasts
create podcasts, how to
• Sharing multiple
share multiple
programs
programs, and how to
•
Maintaining an Internet
maintain an Internet
directory.
directory.
Quick
Check
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Improve the readability of the following
instructions that will become part of a
student’s employment booklet.
In preparing for an employment You can prepare for
interview, you should begin by interviews by doing the
studying the job description.
following:
Itemizing your most strategic
• Study the job description.
skills and qualifications is also • Itemize your most
important. Giving responses in
strategic skills and
a mock interview is another
qualifications.
good practice technique. Last, • Practice giving responses
you should be prepared to ask
in a mock interview.
relevant questions.
Quick
Check
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Spelling
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Grammar
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Punctuation
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Names and numbers
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Format
© ISTOCKPHOTO.COM / DMITRY SHIRONOSOV
What to Watch for
in Proofreading
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Proofreading Marks
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How to Proofread
Complex Documents
Allow adequate time.
 Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
 Be prepared to find errors.
 Read once for meaning and once for
grammar/mechanics.
 Reduce your reading speed.
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How to Proofread
Complex Documents
For documents that must be perfect:
Have someone read aloud the original
while someone else checks the printout.
 Spell names.
 Spell difficult words.
 Note capitalization.
 Note punctuation.
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Next Class (Wednesday)
Session 6 Bring Assignment 5 (you in 5 years) to class
(turn in at the end).
2 Oct.
Have Read: Anything in HBR Guide to Better
Business Writing you did not read yet.
Workshop: Reading out loud Assignment 5 in
front of the class.
Discussion: Persuasive Messages
Assignment 5
Write a few paragraphs about what you see yourself doing in five
years – where you are, what you do for a living, etc. Dream a little, but
keep away from complete flights of fancy, please. This is a typical
question that a recruiter would ask you during a job interview. Turn in
a hard copy. Write it using proper grammar and good form, please.
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ProfComm – Fall 2013