Communication in Everyday
Life
FAMILY
COMMUNICATION
Lecture 22a
WHY FAMILIES?
TO MEET ALL OF OUR NEEDS
SELF-ACTUALIZATION
SELF
ESTEEM
BELONGING
INCLUSION, FUN
SAFETY
SHELTER
PHYSICAL NEEDS
AIR, FOOD, SEX
FAMILY: DEFINITION
• Family: “networks of people who
share their lives over long periods of
time; who are bound by ties of
marriage, blood or commitment, legal
or otherwise; who consider themselves
as family; and who share future
expectations of connected relationship”
– AR
FUNCTIONS OF THE FAMILY
• Internal
• External
• Provide care
• Socialization
• Intellectual
development
• Emotional support
and development
• Recreation
• Transmission of
cultural values
• Adaptation to social
change
STRUCTURES OF THE
FAMILY
• POWER-AUTHORITY STRUCTURE
• POWER HELD BY ONE OR BOTH PARENTS
• CHILDREN DEVELOP OWN POWER
• CLEAR AUTHORITY LINE OR VARIABLE
• DECISION-MAKING STYLE
• FORCING/ACCOMMODATION/COMPROMISE
• COLLABORATION
• AD HOC
• INTERACTION STRUCTURE
• WHO TALKS TO WHOM ABOUT WHAT
Communication in Everyday Life
FAMILY
COMMUNICATION
Lecture 22b
FAMILIES AS “PEOPLEMAKING FACTORIES”
• FAMILY COMMUNICATION SHAPES
• SELF-CONCEPT AND SELF-ESTEEM
• COGNITIVE AND EMOTIONAL
DEVELOPMENT
• PARTICULARLY WHEN CHILD’S
BEHAVIOR DOESN’T FIT FAMILY
“RULES”
FAMILY COMMUNICATION
RULES
• Regulative rules - guides to action
• Obligatory: explicit: “you must” “you have to” or implicit
example setting
• Appropriate: not force of obligation but deemed “good
behavior”
• Constitutive rules - how certain communicative acts
are to be counted
• “Helping your brother means you care”
• “Snide remarks are a sign of disrespect”
HOW THE FAMILY COMMUNICATES
ITS VIEWS OF CHILD: REVIEW
• Direct definition
•
•
Labels (+ and -) and instruction
Not only defines self but self-worth (role names and character names)
• Identity scripts
• Who we are, how we are supposed to live, including T.A.’S
ok/not ok life positions
• Attachment styles
• Secure, fearful, dismissive, anxious
ATTACHMENTS STYLES
BASED ON FIRST BOND WITH PARENT
CAREGIVER:
CONSISTENTLY LOVING
AND ATTENTIVE
CAREGIVER:
UNINTERESTED,
REJECTING
CAREGIVER: INCONSISTENT SOMETIMES LOVING THEN
REJECTING
CAREGIVER:
CONSISTENTLY NEGATIVE,
REJECTING, ABUSIVE
PARENT TALK
•
THE MESSAGE
(CONTENT)
VERSUS THE
• METAMESSAGE
(RELATIONSHIP)
Video Example
PARENT TALK
•
THE MESSAGE
(CONTENT)
VERSUS THE
• METAMESSAGE
(RELATIONSHIP)
PARENTING STYLES
Hi
Child Centered, responsive, warm,
accepting, and child-centered, but nondemanding. They lack parental control.
Lo
Neither responsive nor demanding. They
do not support or encourage their child's
self-regulation, and they often fail to
monitor or supervise the child's behavior.
Their style is adult-centered and
uninvolved.
Lo
Child Centered, Hi parental involvement,
Active interest in child’s life, Rules and limits
clear but flexible. Negotiated structure and
control. Open communication, Acceptance,
Trust. Know where, with whom children are.
Demanding, but not responsive. Show
little trust toward their children, and their
way of engagement is strictly adultcentered. Often fear losing control, and
they discourage open communication.
Hi
Communication in Everyday Life
FAMILY
COMMUNICATION
Lecture 22c
PARENTING GOALS:
BE RIGHT OR DEVELOP CHILD’S
CHARACTER (EQ)?
LIGHT C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK:
VARIABLE EFFECTIVNESS
•
•
•
•
•
Teaching
Advising
Coaching
Placating
Lecturing
•
•
•
•
•
Judging
Derailing
Mind Reading
Moralizing
Ineffective praising
PARENTING GOALS:
BE RIGHT OR DEVELOP CHILD’S
CHARACTER (EQ)?
HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK :
INEFFECTIVE
•
•
•
•
•
•
Ordering
Threatening
Pitying
Shaming
Interrogating
Denying
AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING
MEANS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.
• DESCRIPTION
•
•
Try to stay as close to the bottom of the inference ladder as possible
Description is about “what is” (as you perceive, understand it) not about
how it “should be”
• I-MESSAGES
•
Start with I - Acknowledge other, describe your perceptions, needs, wants
• ASKING QUESTIONS
•
The 4w2H questions - to seek info and create support not defense
ASKING QUESTIONS IN
D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.
• DON’T JUDGE SUPPORT
• ASK
QUESTIONS(4W2H):
•
•
•
•
WHAT -WHERE
WHEN - WHO
HOW-HOW MUCH
MAKE “DIDYA?” “WHAT
DIDYA?”
• CREATE SAFE PLACE
FOR CHILD TO TALK
• CLIMATE OF TRUST
AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING
MEANS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.
• LISTENING ACTIVELY
• Only ask questions to clarify, not to give your opinion or tell your
story.
• Reflect back in your own words what other is thinking and
feeling,to show full understanding.
• Avoid telling them what they should be thinking/ feeling and avoid
giving advice unless asked.
AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING
MEANS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.
•LISTENING ACTIVELY
•Only ask questions to clarify, not to give your opinion or tell your story.
•Reflect back in your own words what other is thinking and feeling,to
show full understanding.
•Avoid telling them what they should be thinking/ feeling and avoid
giving advice unless asked.
• OPEN ACKNOWLEDGMENT
•
I-message to show you understand from their point of view.
• GENUINE SUPPORT
•
I-message(s) to affirm, compliment, thank or explain how things could go better
WHEN CHILDREN “ACT UP”
• Parent try various methods with no success. :
– time-outs,
– reward systems,
– Scolding - “stop being a baby” and
– spanking
• Why no success?
• Rather than addressing their children’s feelings, they are
putting a “lid” on them
• They have failed to address the real fuel source of their
behavior – their emotions
• M. S. Kurcinka, Parents, Kids and Power Struggles
TWO KINDS OF PARENTAL
RESPONSES
• AUTHORITATIVE STYLE: INDUCTION
• SELF-DISCPLINE AND EMOTIONAL SELFMANAGEMENT
• TALK WITH CHILD
• HELP CHILDREN UNDERSTAND WHY THEY SHOULD FOLLOW
RULES AND MANAGE THEIR EMOTIONS
• THE CHILD LEARNS TO SELF-MANAGE
• AUTHORITARIAN STYLE: CONTROL
• EXTERNAL DISCIPLINE
• POWER ASSERTION -ACTIVE C.O.N.T.R.O.L
• LOVE WITHDRAWAL-PASSIVE C.O.N.T.R.O.L
• BOTH SHORT TERM FIXES
EFFECTIVE “DISCIPLINE”
FEEDBACK
FEEDBACK FOR INDUCTION
• Non-Judgmental
• Point of view: child is good, loved. Use descriptive language, adult
voice.
• Specific
• Focus on particular behaviour/situation
• Immediate
• Do it as close to occurrence as possible
• Ask Questions
• Get their views, understanding, feelings about what happened
EFFECTIVE “DISCIPLINE”
FEEDBACK
• Consistent
• Predictability, follow rules you’ve set, keep promises
• Disclose
• Describe your own feelings (“I-messages”) Vs. tell them their feelings
(“You –message”)
• Congruent
• Verbals and non-verbals match. Kids particularly vulnerable to
incongruency. Double-bind effect.
• Likely to create internal ethical standards - apply
without parent there
• Basis for Development of Emotional Intelligence