Levels of Touch
Superficial:
Does not enhance the
relationship;
 Is Not done as an expression of how someone feels
about you.
 It is Selfish!! Satisfies the need of the person
touching.
 Examples: hug, kiss, cuddle, sex
Levels of Touch
Personal: An expression of how a person
feels about you.
 Enhances the relationship; Un-selfish
 Says: I like you, I care about you, I love you
 Examples: hug, pat, high-five, kiss, back scratch,
cuddle
Levels of Touch
Validating:
Reinforces the relationship; Un-
selfish
 Says: I care about you, I love you
 Examples: Can be a simple hug up to full intimacy
with-in marriage.
What are you really saying?
Kinesics: study of non-verbal communication
Definitions:


Nonverbal communication: A way of sending and
receiving messages without using words, such as
through body movements, facial expressions and eye
contact.
Body language: The expression of thoughts,
feelings, and emotions through body movements,
such as facial expressions, gestures and body
motions.
Nonverbal
Communication
•
Important forms of nonverbal communication:
•
•
•
Proximity
eye contact
touch
Nonverbal Communication
•
•
•
For communication to
be clear, verbal and
nonverbal messages
must agree.
If the messages conflict,
people believe the NONverbal message
Most of all messages are
sent Nonverbally!
Non-Verbal Communication
A. Transmits feelings
Nervous, embarrassed, playful
B. Serves many functions:
1. Repeats what is said verbally: pointing directions
2. Substitute for verbal messages: facial expressions
3. Accent verbal messages: pointing finger, shrug
shoulders
4. Contradicts spoken word: double message: “I’m NOT
angry!”
C. Body:
Facing someone directly: interested
Elevator: everyone looks outward, avoiding personal
contact
D. Posture – slumping, straight?
E. Gestures- sometimes we hide
emotions in our face but our gestures do not
F. Eyes: meeting one’s glance. **Direct eye contact or
glancing away to avoid contact.
G. Voice-tone
“This is a fantastic communication book” with different
emphasis.
H. Touch- raise IQ, aggression, friendship, sexual interest,
manage transactions (Tug or shake)
I.
Object language – Intentional or unintentional display of
material things. Clothes, sports car, books.
Non-verbal Clues
 Shaking Hands – If the hand is limp, the person may
be nervous or doesn’t like to be touched. A firm
handshake indicates confidence.
 Defensiveness – Cross arms on chest, keep fists closed,
swing a crossed leg.
 Suspicion and Secretiveness – not look at you when
they speak, touch or rub the nose with their index
finger
 Honesty – placing hand over heart, having palms
uplifted, looking the person in the eye when speaking,
touching gestures
 Frustration – Short breaths, tightly clenched fists,
wringing hands, kicking the ground or an imaginary
object.
 Confidence – Steepling (arms or hands together in a
steeple), Joining hands behind the back
 Nervousness – clearing of the throat, whistling,
fidgeting, tugging at an ear, playing with pencils,
notebooks, or eyeglasses in mouth.
 Boredom – Drumming on desk, tapping feet,
doodling, leaning the head on the hand.
Intimate Zone
 First zone around us
 Skin contact to 18”
 Reserved for close friends and relatives
 Allowing someone to enter shows trust
 When someone enters without permission we feel
threatened.
Intimate Zone
Skin—18”
Personal Zone
 18”— 4’
 Contacts are reasonably close but less personal, good
friends
 18” is appropriate closeness for couples in public
 2 ½ feet appropriate for casual conversation
Personal Zone
18”--4’
Social Zone
 4’ – 12’
 Used for parties and friendly gatherings
 Used for casual acquaintances
 4’ -7’ appropriate for sales people and customers and
people who work together
 7’ – 12’ reserved for impersonal
situations.
Social Zone
4’ – 12’
 Used for speakers
Public
Zoneand their audience
 Classrooms/auditoriums
 Begins at 12’ and beyond
 Anyone who remains 25 feet away is not interested in
dialog
Public Zone
12’-25’
Personal Space Zone
Public Zone 12’ and beyond
Social Zone 4’-12’
Personal Zone 18”- 4’
Intimate Zone
Skin – 18”
Personal Space
 The distances given for personal space are according to
your culture.
 Some cultures have a closer personal space than
Americans do.
 Women tend to stand closer together than do men
 People in cities stand closer than do people from rural
areas when communicating
Territory
 Space we consider to be our own
 Private
 We claim it
 We mark it
 How do you mark your space?
 What does your bedroom look like?
 How do we mark temporary space/territory?
Territory
 We claim temporary space by marking it with coats,
bags, etc.
 Some examples of Temporary Space:
 Theater, library, classroom
 We arrange our “stuff” around us in public territory.
 Some examples of Public Space:
 Classroom, library, church pew, bus, subway, park
Visual Territory
 Visual invasion is as uncomfortable as physical
invasion
 A glance lasting longer than 3 seconds can be as
threatening or as uncomfortable as someone who
“invades” your space physically.
The Birds
Destructive Communication-Do you
do any of these forms of destructive
communication????
 Blaming: Finding out who is at “fault”
 Interrupting: Stops communication, disregard for
others’ ideas
 Endless fighting….”Bury the hatchet but leave the
handle sticking out.”
 Character Assassination: Attacking the other
person’s character/person. Name calling,
belittling comments…
 Calling in Reinforcements: getting people on
your side…
 Withdrawal: says you don’t care
 How do we withdraw emotionally? Physically?
 Need to be right : refuse to admit your part in
the problem
Constructive Communication - Try these
methods
1. I-Messages: Non-threatening way to say
how you are feeling. Non-blaming, take
responsibility
2. Clarity: Say what you mean and mean what
you say. Avoid Sarcasm; Avoid hinting , this
leads to miscommunication.
3. Timing: Select a good time to talk. Schedule
a time if necessary, ask: “When is a good
time to talk?” “Can we get together and visit
after…” Turn off the stereo, TV, Nintendo
etc. Talk when you are well rested, not
hungry etc.
4. Ask Questions: Shows interest, helps to clarify
what is being said, collect information, Ask Who,
When, How, questions.
5. Reflective Listening: Listener mirrors back what
Helps to clarify
 “Are you saying you want to quit school?”
 “You seem to be excited about that…?”
6. Respect and Consideration: Avoid being critical
and judgmental, show respect throughout
7. Avoid Intense Anger: Sometimes we become
communicate effectively.
 If you feel you are beginning to get emotionally
responsibility and tell the other person, “I am too
this right now. I am going for a walk and we can
Don’t use “YOU” Messages
 A statement which describes someone else’s behavior.
 We do not have the right to describe someone else’s behavior, feelings,
or thoughts.
We can only describe our own.
What Is Wrong With Using
“YOU” Messages?
Place blame “You made me…”
Lack responsibility “You make me so mad! (Your
choice to get
mad
Attempt to control people “You need to be more
kind!”
“Don’t you ever again….”
Displace anger rather than diffuse anger
What is wrong with these “YOU”
messages
 Go wash your stinky, filthy, hands, they are
making me sick!!
 I hate this movie, why do you always pick movies
that are so violent??
 You are so inconsiderate, you should have asked
me to the dance days ago.
I Messages
 I-Message: a non-threatening message which gives
the listener info about the speaker
 I-messages establish who owns the problem
Formula For A Good I-Message
 Non-verbal must show love, acceptance,
respect
 Describe situation
 When I …see, hear, observe
 Tell how you feel
 I feel….angry, concerned, happy
 Give a reason why you feel that way
 because…
 Complete Questions on paper
You message to I message
 “Get your dumb bike out of the driveway before I
run it over!!!”
 “When I see your bike in the driveway I feel
concerned because I don’t want to run over it.
Find the three parts to the above I-message. The
description of the situation, the feeling, the reasons
for the feelings.
You message to I message
 “Don’t you dare try interrupt me while I am on the
phone!!!”
 “When I am on the phone with my friend and keep
getting interrupted, I feel frustrated because I can’t
hear what she is saying.”
 Find the three elements of an I-message.
I-messages
Constructive Feedback
 Focuses on:
 “I” statements.
 behavior rather than the person.
 observations rather than judgments.
 the observed incidence of behavior.
 sharing ideas rather than giving advice.
 its value to the recipient.
 the amount the recipient can process.
 an appropriate time and place.
The Little Mermaid
 Analyze the communication in these clips
Communication Role Plays
Why are good listening skills important?
Steps to Listening
 Unconditional Love: Face shows acceptance
 Passive Listening: Use when the speaker is really excited or really
upset.
 Respond with Oh, Mmm, Really, Wow
 Encourager Question: A question which gets a person to open up,
use when someone is pouting, looks upset
 Ask: How are you? How are things going? Is everything ok? Do you want
to talk?
Steps to Listening
 Validating statements: Acknowledge someone’s feelings and the
information they share.
 You don’t have to agree, just acknowledge their feelings.
 Don’t discount someone’s feelings!
 How do we discount someone’s feelings?
Three Ways To Validate
1. Make a short summary statement reflecting the meaning of the message.
 You’re saying you want to break up with Susie because she works all the time.
2. Reflect back to the speaker the feelings expressed.
 You’re angry with Susie because Todd invited her to Prom.
Three Ways To Validate
3. Reflect back the “hidden” message or the real meaning the
speaker is trying to give.
 So you want to break up with Susie because You are tired of having a girl
friend.
 You want to break up with Susie so you can take Annie to Prom.
 Validating helps the speaker to clarify what they are feeling and
that their feelings are ok.– even if you don’t agree
Four Reasons To Validate
1.
Sends the message: I want to understand before I evaluate .
2.
Helps the speaker feel their feelings are OK.
3.
Helps avoid criticism
Four Reasons To Validate
Diffuses people’s anger and opens the way to problem solving.
4.

“What can you do…” “What do you think should be done?” “Have you …”

Remember we can only solve our own problems.

We do not have the right to solve anyone else’s problems; we can
only help them solve their own
Steps to good listening
Problem Solving options
Possible solutions
 Consensus: Agree!!!
 Concession: Let the other have their way
 Compromise: Each give a little
 Agree to disagree:
Strategies People Use to Resolve
Conflict
 I win, You Loose.
–Key Word: Power
–Other Descriptive Words:
• Force or coercion
• “pulling rank”
• Brow-beating
• Outmaneuvering the opposition, aggressive, I’m in charge here.
dogmatic,
• Inflexible, and unreasonable
Strategies People Use to Resolve
Conflict
 I win (a little), You lose (a little)
–Key Word: Compromise
–Other Descriptive Words:
•
•
•
•
Concessions
Tolerate
Manipulative conflict style
Both ends played against the middle
Let’s give a little.
Strategies People Use to Resolve
Conflict
 I lose, You lose
–Key Word: Hopelessness
–Other Descriptive Terms:
If I can’t, neither can you.
• Withdraw and avoid strategy
• Leave the conflict. Compliance without commitment.
• Feelings of frustration and resentment.
• Tends to be used when other styles have been tried
and failed.
Strategies People Use to Resolve
Conflict
 I lose (a little), You win (a little)
–Key Word: Placate or Yield
–Other Descriptive Words:
• Avoid conflict and appease others by
ignoring, denying and avoiding conflict.
• Giving in
• Submitting yourself to another
You can have your way.
Strategies People Use to Resolve
Conflict
 I win, You win.
–Key Word: synergistic
–Other Descriptive Words:
• Well-being of each other
• Cooperation
I feel great. You feel great.
• Tolerance for differences
• Recognition of the legitimacy of feelings are
central to this strategy.
• Abide by rules of negotiation and agree to
solve the conflict constructively.
• Any “hidden agendas” are brought out in the
open so they may be effectively dealt with.
Reminders when solving
conflicts:
 Refuse to use the following Destructive conflict tactics:
 criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and
speaking defensively
 Unhappy couples use confrontation, confrontation and
defensiveness, and complaining and defensiveness.
Reminders when solving
conflicts:
 Choose to gain the skills to conflict constructively.
 Happily married couples resolve conflict through
paraphrasing, validation, and clarification.
 Over learning these skills are the most important
constructive skills we can learn initially.
It takes a great man to be a good listener.
-Calvin Coolidge
 So when you are listening to somebody, completely,
attentively, then you are listening not only to the
words, but also to the feeling of what is being
conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
Active Listening Activity
 The Wright Family Story
 Gather in a Circle
 Listen to the story
 When you hear the words “Right” or “Left” you will pass
your item to the right or left.
Wright Family Discussion
 Discussion:
 Was it hard to listen and pass the objects at the same
time?
 Why is it hard to concentrate on what is being said when
you are busy doing something else?
 Did you get frustrated when you or others couldn’t keep
up with the story?
 Write a 5 sentence summary of the story.
EFFECTIVE AND ACTIVE LISTENING
 Effective listening: the listening to the words
of the speaker and the meaning of the words.
 Active listening: the process in which the
listener takes active responsibility to
understand the content and feeling of what is
being said and then checks with the speaker to
see if he/she heard what the speaker intended
to communicate.
ELEMENTS OF EFFECTIVE AND
ACTIVE LISTENING




Content
Feelings
Process
Clarification
ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS




Check attitude and atmosphere
Keep the channel open and avoid short circuits
Listening requires response from listener
Keep the door open
METHODS TO TEST UNDERSTANDING



Parroting
Paraphrasing
Clarifying
How do you react?
People react to what you say in the following ways:
55% facial expressions
38% voice
7% word
Listening Blocks:
Definition: Things that we do that stop or halt
communication.
Listening Blocks
 I must defend my position
Interrupting
 Breaking into the conversation before the other person
has finished speaking.
I’m looking for an Entrance Don’t be more concerned with what you have to say
than what is being said.
I don’t have time to listen to
you
 If the current time is not convenient, simply tell
the other person that another time would be
better, that you are busy right now
I already know what you have to
say.
 You don’t know what another person is going to say
until they have said it. Listen!
I know what you should do…
 Don’t give advice unless it’s asked for.
I am responsible for my own feelings, but not for the
feelings of others.
I am responsible for how I respond to others, but
not for how they respond to me.
Passive, Aggressive and Assertive Activity
 Go around the room to the papers that have been posted and
answer the questions that are on them.
 Aggressive: angry, forceful
 Passive: Does what ever you tell them without question
 Assertive: Stands up for their rights as well as yours.
 Discuss on the following slides.
Aggressive Behavior
 What definition did you write on the paper?
 Definition: When a person takes their own rights into




account and not the other persons.
Who did you did you think has this Communication
Behavior?
What kind of car or animals?
How do you feel when you argue with someone that is
Aggressive?
Volunteer to Role Play
Aggressive Behavior Video Clip
Aggressive Characteristics
Ignore another person’s rights.
Take unfair advantage of other people.
Make other people look or feel stupid, small, or
afraid.
Become abusive when you are angry with someone
or when you are criticizing someone.
Make unreasonable demands on other people.
Monopolize conversations.
Brag obnoxiously and make unrealistic claims about
your good points.
Feel good at first but guilty later as a result of any of
the above behaviors.
Passive Behavior
 What definition did you write on the paper?
 Definition: When a person takes the other person’s rights





into account, but NOT their own!
Passive Communication is the other side of the spectrum
from Aggressive Communication.
Who did you did you think has this Communication
Behavior?
What kind of car or animals?
How do you feel when you argue with someone that is
Passive?
Volunteer to Role Play
Passive Behavior Video Clip
 Mary Poppins: Husband/Wife relationship.
 Write down two things that the wife does to make her
passive.
Passive Characteristics
Do not stand up for your rights.
Let other people take unfair advantage of you.
Do not express your views and feelings.
Feel guilty when you do stand up for your rights or express
your feelings.
Are unable to make reasonable requests of other people.
Are unable to start or carry on conversations comfortably.
Are unable to recognize and express your good points
Feel badly about yourself after experiencing any of the above.
Assertive Behavior
 Definition: Believing we have a right to have ideas and feelings.
Standing up for our rights and still respecting the rights of
others.
 Volunteer to Role Play
 Could you hear the difference between the different versions of
the sentences with the three different Communication
behaviors?
 What kind of body language was used with the different styles?
Assertive Characteristics
Can say “no” when you do not want to say “yes” to someone’s
request.
Can express your positive feelings about other people and
what they do.
Can express negative feelings about other people and what
they do without being abusive or cruel.
Can receive compliments without denying them.
Can take criticism without becoming defensive.
Can start and carry on conversations.
Can recognize and express your good points.
Can ask for what is rightfully yours.
Feel good about yourself and in control of yourself after
experiencing any of the above.
Assertive Behavior Video Clip
 Monsters Inc.: Mike and Sully’s relationship.
 What makes this conversation an assertive behavior?
Communication Style Quiz
 Take the following quiz to find out your
style.
 Answer the questions and then count your
numbers.
 Then match your style with the appropriate
letters and answer the following questions
on your paper.
Communication Style Quiz Answers
 A = Aggressive
B = Passive
C = Assertive.
 When are some times that an Aggressive Style would be
beneficial?
 When are some times that a Passive Style would be
Beneficial?
 When are some times that an assertive Style would be
beneficial?
 What could you do to improve your assertiveness?
Benefits of Aggressive Communication
 When a decision has to be made quickly
 During emergencies
 When you know you’re right and that fact is crucial
Benefits of Passive Communication
 When an issue is minor
 When the problems caused by the conflict are greater than
the conflict itself
 When emotions are running high and it makes sense to
take a break in order to calm down and regain perspective
 When your power is much lower than the other party’s
 When the other’s position is impossible to change for all
practical purposes
What are several POSITIVE communication skills
that you have learned that are ASSERTIVE?
What is Conflict?
1. to come into collision or disagreement; be
contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; clash:
2. to fight or contend; do battle.
3. a fight, battle, or struggle, esp. a prolonged struggle;
strife.
4. controversy; quarrel: conflicts between parties.
5. discord of action, feeling, or effect; antagonism or
opposition, as of interests or principles: a conflict of
ideas.
6. a striking together; collision.
What are some passive techniques that some
people try to use in conflict?
What Doesn’t Work?
Yelling, refusing to change or compromise, refusing to work out the conflict,
name calling, hitting, walking out, belittling, etc.
What Does Work?
Negotiation, Mediation, Looking at both sides, A Win-Win attitude.
When is Conflict Positive?
When we are able to resolve internal and interpersonal conflicts,
using win-win problem solving.
Every relationship will have some conflicts at some time or other.
when we use win-win problem solving, it strengthens the relationship.
when we don’t, it destroys it.
Who Owns the Problem?
The person who is negatively affected by the Problem.
What is the Owner’s responsibility?
To find a way to resolve the problem, even if he is not the
cause of it.
Search for Win-Win Solution
The Use of Power
Three Responses
Fight
Flight / Avoidance
Obedience/ Shutting Down
Identify Each Others Needs and Goals
Preparation
Include only those concerned.
Give a description of the problem that respects all involved.
Explain how conflict resolution can enable all to win, and explain
the steps.
Agree not to slip back to the win lose methods
Find a good time and place with no distractions.
Get something to write down ideas.
Identify the problem or issues
Use “I” Messages to explain your own concerns, needs and
basic goals
Use reflective listening to hear and acknowledge the other’s
needs and basic goals
Evaluate exactly what each of your actual needs are with
the problem. List needs.
Don’t accept sudden promises not to cause the problem
Brainstorm All Possible Solutions that meets
both people’s needs
Cake Cutting Exercise
You are in charge of a Birthday party for four Children. You have one
Cake and need to cut it in 5 equal parts. Brainstorm with your partner
How many different ways you could cut it.
Car Sharing Solution
You and your spouse have one car. You need to go to a meeting
tonight, and your spouse wants to visit a good friend. How many
solutions can you come up with?
Look at things from another’s perspective and try to see their point
of view and look for a solution that meets both underlying needs.
Brainstorm to Generate all possible
solutions.

Think of any and all possible ways to
solve the problem so that everyone will
needs met.

Evaluate later NOT NOW

Do not criticize any suggestion. Feed
back with reflective listening

Write down all ideas suggested.
have
Evaluate the alternative solutions
Ask “Will it work? Does it meet all the needs of both people? Are
there any problems likely?”
Don’t accept solutions for the sake of speed
Use reflective listening and I Messages
Decide on the best solution.
Find a solutions that is mutually acceptable to both of you. .
If agreement seems difficult, Summarize areas of agreement.
Restate needs, and look for new solutions.
Make certain that both of you are committed to the solution
Implementing the Solutions
Get Agreement on who does what by when
Write this down and check all agree to it
Refuse to remind or police the solutions
If you want to set criteria for success, work out these now
Follow-up evaluation
Carry out agreed method. Wait to see if the conflicts seems
resolved.
If the agreed upon solution doesn’t work, remember it is the
solution that failed, not the person, and seek for a new solution.
 Ask from time to time if the solution is working for both of you.
Results of Win-Win Solutions
•More creative in Thinking up solutions
•Take more responsibility for helping everyone
have needs met
•Feeling of mutual respect
•Love grows deeper with every conflict resolved.
Introduction
 Volunteer: Interview
 Take outside:
 Class questions:
 At what point did the volunteer feel uncomfortable?
 What was the student’s reaction to the situation?
 At what distance was the student most comfortable?
 When did the student begin to be uncomfortable?
 At what point did the volunteer begin to back away?
Non-Verbal
Day
 Get Packet and follow the instructions.
 DO NOT talk with anyone during this activity.
 If you must communicate, do so without talking
 Last 10 minutes review Verbal/non-verbal and ask
students what they thought
Non-Verbal Communication: Quick
Facts
 Gestures transmit emotions
 Posture furnishes info about how people feel about







themselves.
There is danger in reading many non-verbal messages
45% of communication is verbal
55% of communication is non-verbal
Kinesics: study of non-verbal communication
Women tend to stand closer together than do men
People in cities stand closer than do people from rural
areas when communicating
Different cultures use different body language
Roadblocks to communication
 Interrupting – breaking into the conversation,





not giving the other a chance to finish.
Endless fighting – bring up things from the past
& never resolving things.
Character assassination – name calling,
belittling, insulting remarks.
Calling in reinforcements – involve outsiders to
support you.
Withdrawal – leave, indifference, silent treatment.
Need to be right – refusal to admit their part in
the problem.
Why communicate constructively?
 WE COMMUNICATE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!
 Rebellion
 Eating Disorders
 Acting out
 Depression
 Sickness (stress disorders, ulcers)
 Repressed feelings control you (reactionary
behavior)
Communication Loop