COMING OUT
Counseling Center
AWARENESS
Sexual identity awareness happens in different ways and
at different ages for different people
 Some people are aware of being different from an early
age, while others only arrive there at a later age
Coming out is an ongoing, lifelong process Cass, V.
(1979).
Positive role models can be difficult to find for sexual
minorities
 Many feel alone and unsure of their identity due to the
lack of reflective role models
AWARENESS
Recognizing one’s own sexual identity and working
towards self-acceptance are often the first steps
Sexual orientation is understood on a continuum. Sell,
Randall L. (1997).
 exclusive same sex attraction on one end of continuum
to exclusive opposite sex attraction on the other, with
many variations between
COMING OUT TO OTHERS
Generally it is a good idea to first come out to those most
likely to be supportive
Others chose to first come out to other sexual minority
people
 By coming out to other sexual minorities, one can build
a supportive network of individuals who have come out
themselves
 This supportive network can help you to talk to other
important people in your life about coming out
COMING OUT TO OTHERS
Trust your own instincts and feelings by choosing to
come out at a time that is appropriate for you
It is important to proceed at your own pace, to be honest
with yourself, and to spend some time reflecting
within
COMING OUT TO OTHERS
Coming out to heterosexual people may be very difficult
Negative reactions may include shock, confusion,
judgment and rejection
Even if some friends or family members initially reject
you, remain available to them, provide them with
information and respond to questions that you are
comfortable answering as they may come to fully
accept you with time
COMPLICATIONS OF COMING OUT TO OTHERS
Keep in mind that the following are possible
consequences of coming out so think carefully
about whom you want to come out to and when
you come out to them:
Loss of housing
Loss of financial support
Loss of safety and security
Loss of employment
STRATEGIES FOR COMING OUT
Write a letter
 Take your time and ensure that you fully explain everything the way you
want to
 Writing a letter allows the other person the space and time to adjust
Conversations
 Open and honest communication is generally necessary at some point in
the process
 Allows the development of a relationship that has mutual understanding
and trust
 Choose a time when neither person will feel rushed or distracted
 Multiple conversations will likely be needed: do not have unrealistic
expectations
 Encourage questions in order to bridge misunderstandings
STRATEGIES FOR COMING OUT
Role Playing
 Anticipate different outcomes and reactions that may
occur when you decide to disclose your sexual
orientation to others.
 Find ways to cope with the possibilities of either
positive or negative reactions by others. Seek personal
counseling prior to coming out, if possible.
 This may help reduce anxiety that you may currently be
experiencing in anticipation of coming out. Dunne, E.
J. (1987).
POSSIBLE RISKS OF COMING OUT
Risks
 Job loss
 Family support and/or peer group loss
 Decrease in safety and security
 People may feel uncomfortable and unsure as to how to
respond
 Some individuals may never accept your sexuality
Generally, even if family and friends react positively,
relationships will likely be altered
POSSIBLE POSITIVE OUTCOMES OF COMING
OUT
Stress relief
Improved self-esteem
Improved relationships
Greater feeling of honesty in one’s life
Feeling greater personal integrity Vaughan, M.
D. & Waehler, C. A. (2010).
Some people may feel honored that you trusted
them enough to share something so important
with them
IDENTITY INTEGRATION
There can often be feelings of relief and a sense of
personal integration by not keeping such an important
part of one’s identity a secret any longer.
Accepting your personal sexual preferences will help you
to feel a greater sense of identity development
Konik, J. & Stewart, A. (2004).
REACTIONS
It’s important to continue to come out to others
even after negative reactions, as everyone will
react differently
Reminding yourself why you originally decided
to come out can help you to stand by that
decision, even in difficult times
SUMMARY
Think about what you want to say beforehand
Choose the time and place carefully
 Be aware of the other person’s needs, the best time for you
may not be for them.
Present yourself honestly and remind the other person that
you’re still the same person you were yesterday
SUMMARY
Be prepared for an initially negative reaction from some
people.
 Remember that it took you some time to come to terms with
your sexuality and it’s important to give other people time as
well
Seek friends’ support in the process
SUMMARY
Don’t let your self-esteem depend entirely on the approval of
others
 If someone rejects you and refuses to work on accepting
you, that’s not your fault.
 If the other person’s view doesn’t change with time, you
might want to reevaluate your relationship with that person
and their importance to you.
You have the right to be who you are, to be out and open with
all important aspects of your identity, including sexual
orientation, and another person’s rejection in no way
diminishes your worth as a person.
HELPFUL WEBSITES
It Gets Better
 Provides information, resources and support for those
who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered.
Human Rights Campaign
 With more than one million members and supporters,
the Human Rights Campaign is the largest LGBT civil
rights organization in America.
REFERENCES
http://www.avert.org/coming-out.htm
http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=150
Cass, V. C. (1979). Homosexual identity formation: A
theoretical model. Journal of Homosexuality, 4, 219235.
Dunne, E. J. (1987). Helping gay fathers come out to their
children. Journal of Homosexuality, 14(1/2), 213-222.
Konik, J. & Stewart, A. (2004). Sexual identity development
in the context of compulsory heterosexuality. Journal of
Personality, 72(4), 815-844.
REFERENCES CONT.
McCarn, S. R. & Fassinger, R. E. (1996). Revisioning sexual
minority identity formation. The Counseling Psychologist,
24(3), 508-534.
Sell, Randall L. (1997). Defining and measuring sexual
orientation: A review. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 26(6),
643-658. [Outlines Kinsey Scale, Klein Scale, and
Shively/DeCecco Scale.]
Vaughan, M. D. & Waehler, C. A. (2010). Coming out growth:
conceptualizing and measuring stress-related growth
associated with coming out to others as a sexual
minority. Journal of Adult Development, 17(2), 94-109.