Language
discovering the power to influence tone, mood, style, voice, and meaning
Standard:
Language 11-12: 2, 3, 4, 5 Reading Informational Text 11-12: 1, 2, 3, 4, 6
Writing 11-12: 1, 2, 4, 5, 9 Speaking and Listening 11-12 1, 2, 3, 4
To be college and career ready in language, students must have firm control over the conventions of standard English. At the same time, they must
come to appreciate that language is as at least as much a matter of craft as of rules and be able to choose words, syntax, and punctuation to express
themselves and achieve particular functions and rhetorical effects. (CCSS, 51)
Featured Skill: Students will understand to apply
knowledge of diction, sentence structure and
punctuation to understand how language can be used
to influence satirical meaning.
Grade Level:
12
(Suggested for grade 12)
Lesson Summary:
In this lesson, students will read, reread and analyze various sources to examine how satire
is constructed and used effectively. This lesson will then be connected to British Literature
by examining how authors like Jane Austen use satire as a tool to criticize the society they
live in.
Featured Text
Primary Text:
 “The Word: Truthiness”
Transcript from The Colbert Report 10-172005
 Several selected articles from The Onion
http://www.theonion.com
Secondary Text
 Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Instruction
Process
Activity
Theme and/or Essential Question
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How is satire used to critique and
criticize?
What is the difference between satire and
mocking?
What are the best ways to bring about
social change?
Can the written word make an impact on
policy and government?
Instructional Steps
1. Background: Students should, in grades 6-8, learn about sentence
structure, diction, semicolons, colons and other punctuation and
how the use of specific language and punctuation can convey specific
meanings. Students may not have explored using punctuation in
terms of purposeful inclusion in order to impact meaning. Students
may not have an understanding of the choices they have in
Modeling and
punctuation and syntax and how those choices ultimately create
explaining
meaning; especially in regards to irony and satire.
the featured
2. In this particular lesson, the teacher will not model the featured
grammar
skill. Students will engage in a close reading of various excerpts
skill
and short pieces in order to determine the usage and impact of the
grammatical conventions. This lesson guides students to discover
the impact of usage in a piece of writing and how satirical tone is
developed and demonstrated. For students to become well
acquainted with the text, multiple opportunities to read the
selection will be necessary.
Language  Page 1
Practice
in Context
Reading 1: Student reading
Reading text
and
identifying
deliberate
use of the
featured
grammar
skill
3. We encourage the reading of the entire selection before the close
study in order to provide a context for the particular excerpt in this
lesson. Independently, students will read and annotate an excerpt of
the transcript from the October 17th, 2005 broadcast of The Colbert
Report. When they annotate, encourage the students to mark
passages that show the main point of the argument, the intended
target(s) of the argument, and what is actually being intended by
the argument. Have them write questions beside parts they don’t
understand and underline and then mark any other sentence they
feel may be important. Remind students that annotating is not the
underlining of the text; it is what they write in the margins to
explain WHY they underlined something. On this first reading,
students will mainly be reading for comprehension.
Reading 2: Teacher or fluent reader reading
4. Teachers may want to read the section aloud while being careful not
to overly influence meaning with inflection. Students need to hear
all the words pronounced correctly; delivery includes deliberate
choices that could begin to rob students of the opportunity to make
meaning based on the word choice, word order, and punctuation.
Students will want to translate the text. As students gain
understanding, they will want to make adjustments to the
translation
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Reading 3: Whole Class Analysis
5. Teachers will now use the questions that accompany the “Whole
Class Sample Passage” to lead the class in a discussion of Colbert’s
use of language, syntax and punctuation in his writing. An
overhead may be made of the passage or a document camera may be
used for students to see a sample passage annotated; it would be
helpful for students to see the teacher annotate the passage and a
sample for how the annotating process works.
Small Groups: Applying what they’ve learned to a new
passage. Analyzing and Evaluating : Rereading to
discover
6. Students will work in groups to analyze another passage for its use
of satire. Move students into four different groups (number of
groups/ students in group will depend on the number of students in
the class.) Each group will be looking at a different passage. (See
Student Handouts below)
(These groups should be predetermined based on student strengths.
Some of the passages are more challenging than others. Teachers can
determine though use of prior assessments or a pre-assessment where
to place students.)
7. Students will first silently annotate excerpt as shown above. Each
group should underline three examples of their language device on
the short story. Then the group should share their annotations and
discuss the questions that follow.
8. After students have a strong understanding of their group’s excerpt,
they will prepare a five minute presentation to teach the passage to
the class. The group should read the passage out loud to the class,
note parts that they annotated and ask the class questions to guide
their understanding. Again, overheads can be made of the passage
or a document camera could be used to facilitate the presentations.
9. While viewing the presentations, students should carefully listen
and fill in the “Presentation Handout” below. Their notes will help
them to complete the writing activities.
***The questions on the handout are intended to promote
understanding/comprehension; however, these are not questions that
are all necessarily ‘right there’ types of questions. The questions all
require students to return to the text and potentially locate additional
information to increase understanding.
Language  Page 3
Application
in Writing
Writing text
and applying
the featured
grammar
skill in a
deliberate
way
Writing: Use the featured skill(s)
10. Students will choose one of the writing options available. (See
options on bottom of student presentation sheet)
11. Students will be asked to interpret, analyze and evaluate the
author’s choice in language in their writing assignment. They will
evaluate the use of the skill in other works, connecting their
discoveries in the articles from The Onion to Pride and Prejudice.
For Intervention and support:

Intervention
and support
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Teacher
Notes
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Teachers should review the questions for the excerpt carefully. The
questions are intended to help the students attend to the reading for
comprehension. The use of the questions should be determined by the
students in the room. If students are able to read and comprehend without
questions that direct them line by line, then these supports can be taken
away. Always remember that the purpose of the questions is to promote
close reading of the selection; the removal of the direct questions should not
remove the opportunity to read carefully and closely. The questions should
only be reduced or removed once students are equipped with the annotating
and close reading skills necessary to question the text naturally. (See the
attached handout).
To support students, students should be encouraged to work
collaboratively. The first reading should be done by students
independently—we want students to have the opportunity to try to find
some elements first. Reading aloud is an opportunity for a second reading
and to hear all the words pronounced correctly. As students become more
intimate with the selection, working collaboratively allows them to build on
the ideas of others and negotiate the meaning of particular elements.
If students struggle with the grammatical terms (parallel structure,
semicolons, etc.) there are some sites in the “Additional Resources to
Consider” section to provide review of these terms.
Answer keys are not provided. The lessons are intended to create
opportunities for students to rely on the text to gain independence in
reading complex texts. In this instructional model, the only wrong answers
are those that are not well supported or engage in fallacious reasoning.
It is best for teachers to engage in conversations and make instructional
decisions with a PLT about this lesson, its content, and student outcomes.
You may have noticed that providing background information is not part of
the beginning of the lesson. Within the Language Lessons, students will
need to rely upon the words and punctuation to create meaning without the
assistance of the teacher or other background building activities prior to
the learning experience. As students progress through the activities, they
will need information and build the background that we typically provide
up front. When students enter the world of college and career, they will
need to be equipped with the necessary skills to determine context,
question a text, determine the information they will need to know to
increase understanding, and know where to locate that information.
Language  Page 4
The Onion http://www.theonion.com
Additional
Resources to
Consider
The Colbert Report http://www.colbertnation.com/
The Daily Show http://www.thedailyshow.com
The Simpsons
Additional
Resources
http://thesimpsons.com/
For extension: (Students could be provided options for
extension activities)
1. Examine the satire of Swift or Pope (“A Modest Proposal”, “The Rape
of the Lock”)
2. Examine other works by Austen or works by other authors through the
lens of satire.
Extensions
3. Watch episodes of The Simpsons or South Park for specific examples of
satire.
4. Watch the film Thank You For Smoking (2005) and analyze the satire.
Permission slips required.
Language  Page 5
Directions for Students Satire
Step One: Read the excerpt “The Word: Truthiness” to yourself and annotate the text.
Satire: A work or manner that blends a censorious attitude with humor and wit for improving
human institutions or humanity. Satirists attempt through laughter not so much to tear down
as to inspire a remodeling. If attackers simply abuse they are writing invective; if they are
personal and splenetic, they are writing Sarcasm; if they are sad and morose over the state of
society, they are writing Irony or a Jeremiad. As a rule modern satire spares the individual and
follows Addison’s self-imposed rule: to “pass over a single foe to charge whole armies.” Most
often satire deals less with great sinners and criminals than with the general run of fools,
knaves, ninnies, oafs, codgers, and frauds. Indeed, a good deal of enduring satire has to do with
literature and the literary life itself.
Source: A Handbook to Literature by William Harmon and Hugh Holman
Read the excerpt to yourself. Make note of words, phrases, and punctuation that intrigue you in some
way.
Look for irregularities, similarities, and unknowns.
Irregularity: I find it peculiar the way the author used this word.
Similarity: I am seeing a pattern here: in words, phrasing, or ideas. (Diction and Syntax)
Unknowns: I don’t know what that means. Or I don’t know what that means in this context.
While you read, underline any details that reveal characteristics of the Panopticon or its
purpose.
Step Two: In this step your teacher or a classmate will read aloud the selection.
Listen carefully to the words being read. If you have read a word incorrectly, you may want to make note
of that change. True understanding of a text means you will be able to paraphrase and restate the
text in your own words.
Step Three: In this step, you will be asked to carefully reread the passage.
Make sure to
find textual evidence to support each answer.
PART ONE: Simply examine what is written on the page
1. First interpret the text literally. Do not interpret for irony or satire or implied/suggested meaning.
As read verbatim, identify the main arguments being made in the piece. Find the main points and
record them on the Student Worksheet.
2. How do you know these are the main points? Identify the support and evidence within the text
that back up the points being made.
PART TWO: Begin interpreting the text for nuances
3. Begin by questioning the meaning or intention of the text.
Are there any words, images, ideas, or arguments that seem to suggest humor, exaggeration, or
absurdity?
4. Record what you find in column two of your student worksheet.
PART THREE: Locating the possible Target(s) of the satire
5. Based on Parts One and Two, who is being made fun of or criticized? What group(s) bear the
brunt of the mockery or critique? Examine all possible targets from individuals to organizations
to any organized groups mentioned in the piece. Who is the main target? Who are possible
secondary targets of the satire?
6. Select the most likely candidates who you believe are the targets of the satire and record them in
column three of the worksheet. Be sure to label them as main and secondary targets.
Language  Page 6
PART FOUR: Finding the Message and Purpose
7. Good satire tries to raise awareness and bring about change. Based on the interpretation of the
argument made in the piece and the logical target(s) you have identified, what is the point of the
piece? What does the author actually want to make people aware of or want to change?
8. Record the author’s message and purpose in column four of your worksheet. Include evidence
and justification for your answer.
Step Four: Small Group Practice – Repeat Step Three in small groups using a new source
provided by the teacher. Each group will receive a different piece and after analyzing it and
filling out the chart, each group will present their selection and their findings to the class.
Step Five: Writing
Option 1: After completing the student handout on language techniques, write a formal essay that
explains the author’s purpose in using diction, syntax, and punctuation to establish satire.
Option 2: Is satire an effective way for an author to get their point across? Using the texts provided,
support an argument for or against satire.
Option 3: Satire is one of the lenses through which Pride and Prejudice can be viewed. It takes little
imagination to see the work as Austen’s stern critique of high society. Analyze the opening sentence, “It is
a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a
wife”, using the same step-by-step process from the previous activity. Then write a journal where you
explain how this opening could be interpreted as a satire.
Option 4: Write a formal essay in which you examine Austen’s portrayal of Mr. Collins. Explore both the
character of Collins specifically as well as Collins as the embodiment of the men of the period. Use
specific text examples that show the satirical nature of the character Austen has created.
Option 5: Write a satire of your own. Identify a topic that inspires controversy or passion. Explore
possible angles for satire through brainstorming exaggerated stances and scenarios. Write your satirical
piece.
Language  Page 7
Whole Class Sample Passage:
Text: “The Word: Truthiness”
Colbert Report Transcript
October 17th, 2005
And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness.
Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the "wordanistas" over at Websters, are gonna say, "Hey, that's not a word!" Well, anybody
who knows me knows that I am no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They're elitist. Constantly telling us what is or isn't true,
what did or didn't happen.
Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was finished in 1914? If I want to say it happened in 1941, that's my right.
I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are
a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by
those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.
Consider Harriett Miers. If you think about Harriett Miers, of course her nomination's absurd!* But the President didn't say he
thought about his selection, he said this:
President Bush: "I know her heart."
Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriett Miers. And what about Iraq? If you
think about it, maybe there are a few missing pieces to the rationale for war. But doesn't taking Saddam out feel like the right
thing...right here in the gut? Because that's where the truth comes from, ladies and gentlemen...the gut.
Did you know that you have more nerve endings in your stomach than in your head? Look it up. Now, somebody's gonna say "I did
look that up and its wrong." Well, Mister, that's because you looked it up in a book. Next time, try looking it up in your gut. I did.
And my gut tells me that's how our nervous system works.
Now I know some of you may not trust your gut...yet. But with my help you will. The "truthiness" is, anyone can read the news to
you. I promise to feel the news...at you.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/b/2006/01/10/truthiness-is-word-of-the-year.htm
*Miers, Bush’s White House Counsel at the time, was nominated for the Supreme Court by President Bush despite the fact that she
had no experience being a judge.
Language  Page 8
Group One Practice Passage:
Shadows Meet The Clouds, Gray On Gray, Like Dusty Charcoal On
An Ashen Brow, Nation's Poets Report
MAY 31, 2012 | ISSUE 48•22
NEW YORK—According to a growing consensus of U.S. poets, shadows—inky sharp as a raven's beak—meet the sullen bloat of
clouds, their hues a pallid loam, each a dancer, each alone, like dusty charcoal on an ashen brow.
Citing both the ageless gloom of morning and a weary sun, its astral luminescence wrapped in arid gauze, the nation's poets told
reporters this week that doubt lingers in the frail minutes of a young dawn, adding that said doubt was a heathen doubt—a father's
doubt—untouched by faith.
Multiple verse-writing sources also confirmed vapors, milky white vapors of shallow breath from a child's lips.
"The dark tempest forms in the North / But what of Andrew?" a statement from the nation's poets read in part.
"I take the cloth of fog, I drape it over—gently, like a midwife—the memory of one broken holy Friday," poet K. Martin Echols said during
a press conference Tuesday. "Hallowed be regret, and hallowed be my hands across the table where we ate, where we wept, where we
fought the laws of bliss like lovers."
"For what is the sound of hope? For what is the mind's moment of fulfillment?" added poet Willow Marks. "For what is—?"
Coming just weeks after U.S. poets announced that poplar leaves, heavy with the dread of autumn's looming song, danced in trembling
half-step—one two one two—an overwhelming majority of verse writers affirmed to reporters Tuesday that Michael /Michael / there is a
quickness in the dreaming of the bird, Michael / the bird that plucked your silver ring from the moss and kept it bright through passing
storms.
In addition, a prostrate fir, felled
yet knowing
The weight of age, the burden of
Roots, nature's
Broken vow, begged
for time like water, poetic sources confirmed.
"chastity (you who call yourselves chaste, adieu) streaming silken love me lines graceless through rough ears,
a language unknown,
a sound unheard,
a thought crying out
for new thoughts," poet harrison janie IV told reporters, emphasizing repeatedly that chastity chastity chastity chastity. "is this what is to
be made of my chastity? a christmas wish? a torn dress? a sign that says 'no?' take me as an ideal woman,
not your idyll,
or take me as an idle man,
removed of chastity,
removed…
removed."
While experts believe the nation's poets may make a statement on wisdom's supple strength of skin as early as late July, sources in the
Language  Page 9
poetry community were quick to emphasize FIELDS....these are not
FIELDS
we speak of, but stores of HOPE.
At press time, the nation's poets reiterated the "tyranny of I, when we are I unbound,
and unloved, deprives all.
—cape cod, may 2012"
http://www.theonion.com/articles/shadows-meet-the-clouds-gray-on-gray-like-dusty-ch,28355/
Language  Page 10
Group Two Practice Passage:
Frito-Lay Angrily Introduces Line Of Healthy Snacks
NOVEMBER 7, 2006 | ISSUE 42•45
PLANO, TX—With the recent trend of wholesome snack foods reaching "truly ridiculous proportions," Frito-Lay announced Monday that it would, against
its better judgment, roll out a new line of healthy fruit-and-vegetable-based chips next February.
"Here," said Frito-Lay CEO Al Carey as he disgustedly tossed a bag of the company's new Flat Earth-brand snack crisps onto the lectern during a
meeting with shareholders and members of the press. "Here's some shit that's made from beets. I hope you're all happy now that you have your
precious beet chips with the recommended daily serving of fruit, or vegetables, or whatever the hell a 'beet' is."
"Mmm, dehydrated bulb things," Carey added. "Sounds delicious."
Carey appeared visibly appalled as Frito-Lay employees distributed Flat Earth snack samples to the audience.
"God help us all, would you look at these flavors," said Carey, gesturing toward a display showcasing the several varieties of Flat Earth chips, including
Kauliflower Krunch, Raisins 'N Chives, Cranberry Spinach Explosion, Rutabaga Yum, Tofu Snaps, Eggplant Ecstasy, Broccoloroos, and Watercress.
"Look at what you've reduced us to."
"Weren't Sun Chips healthy enough for you…?" Carey added.
Frito-Lay spokeswoman Lisa Greeley, who said that the company made a commitment in 2004 to develop a healthier line of snacks but "never thought it
would actually come to this," described the Flat Earth brand as "tailor-made for the small, vocal minority of health-conscious consumers who apparently
can't just be content with salads, bananas, apples, or any of the literally thousands of fruits and vegetables already widely available."
"Our new veggie snacks combine the zesty tang of parsnip, the most mouthwatering root vegetable out there, with the bold flavor of, let's say, jute?" said
Greeley before reluctantly bringing a Turnips 'N Radish chip to her mouth and forcing down a full bite. "It's a brand-new taste sensation unlike anything
you've ever experienced, unless you've ever eaten sisal twine."
According to Frito-Lay's website, the new snacks contain one-third of the fat, one-half of the calories, and one-1,000th of the irresistible flavor of FritoLay's classic line of potato and corn chips. The presence of trans-fats and saturated oils is avoided by employing a cooking process "strikingly similar to
the method used to create particle board." Serving suggestions that will be printed on the packaging include "definitely not adding any salt or seasoning,
because then you might die"; dipping the chips in "delicious plain yogurt, lettuce paste, or other ground-up Flat Earth products"; and enhancing the flavor
by replacing the chip in your hand with a Hot'n Spicy BBQ chip.
In January, Frito-Lay will launch a Flat Earth marketing campaign based on the slogan, "Bet You Can't Eat Even One." Surprisingly, however, the
company is also in talks with distributors to ensure that Flat Earth snacks are installed in every school vending machine in the country.
"Oh, they're definitely going in the vending machines," Carey said. "Everyone's going to share in this misery, not just a handful of Naderites with spastic
colons or loser kids with no taste buds whose parents want them to grow up to be boring milquetoasts afraid to have any fun. And don't think we haven't
forgotten you either, office workers on snack breaks and anyone who wants to serve a big bowl of disappointment at a cocktail party."
"If this is what you want, America, fine," Carey continued. "But if you don't like them…this is it—no more veggie crisps after this. None. You hear me?
None."
"You're all gonna die eventually, anyway," Carey added. "Might as well be eating Cool Ranch Doritos with cheese dip when you go."
Frito-Lay is now considering discontinuing its traditional snack line and focusing entirely on chickpeas and sprouts, since, according to Carey, Americans
"are so scared of getting fat, and are clearly no longer interested in good-tasting food."
"You all disgust me," said Carey, who then kicked over the Flat Earth display and stormed out of the room.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/fritolay-angrily-introduces-line-of-healthy-snacks,2082/
Language  Page 11
Group Three Practice Passage:
Doritos Celebrates One Millionth Ingredient
MAY 14, 1996 | ISSUE 29•18
DALLAS, TX—Amid much fanfare, the Frito-Lay Corporation, manufacturers of the world’s best-loved snack chip products for over 50 years, announced
yesterday the addition of the one millionth ingredient in Doritos, the company’s flagship brand of cheese-flavored tortilla chips. The new ingredient,
disodium guanylate, is expected not only to act as an additional emulsifying agent but also to make the big taste of Doritos even bigger.
“Today, we have reached a major milestone in the proud history of Doritos,” Frito-Lay CEO Don Gehrmann said at a formal chip-breaking ceremony
yesterday. “One million ingredients!”
Following Gehrmann’s proclamation, amid wild applause, a Doritos scientist held up a three-foot-long dropper reading, “Disodium Guanylate,” and
touched it to an oversized Doritos chip.
According to experts, the new ingredient is a chemically produced emulsifier that will act as both a thickening agent and an anti-oxidant in Doritos, the
nation’s top-selling cheese-flavored snack chip food product item.
“Disodium guanylate, or NaCl2O3G, should help slow the oxidation process in Doritos, serving as a valuable hydrolyzing reactor,” MIT chemistry professor
James Steuerbohm said. “Essentially, it would play almost the exact same role that disodium inosinate plays in Funyuns.”
When informed of the landmark one millionth ingredient, President Clinton immediately sent his congratulations to the Frito-Lay Corporation.
“While clearly, Frito-Lay has gained much by adding this fine chemical compound to its impressive roster of ingredients, the real winner here is the
American people,” he said. “They will enjoy an even more delicious, more mouth-watering snack chip than ever before.”
On the other side of the world, North Korean President Kim Jong Il briefly stepped away from a massive military demonstration in his honor yesterday to
offer his congratulations.
“Doritos must be held in the absolute highest regard by the people. Denial of the greatness of such a snack chip must not be tolerated whatsoever,” he
said, later adding, “Get a Life!”
Yesterday marked arguably the most important new ingredient addition to Doritos since May 1994, when ingredient number 966,450, FD&C Red 40
Lake, was added.
“The arrival of Red 40 Lake was a pivotal moment in Doritos history,” noted food historian Joseph H. Farwell said. “Before Red 40, Doritos had a slightly
normal look; if you looked closely, you could tell there were a few naturally occurring ingredients in there. But after Red 40, the chips took on a blinding,
explosive orange glow. Consumers responded immediately.”
Despite reaching the million-ingredient plateau yesterday, Gehrmann is already thinking about two million.
"That would be incredible,” he said. “There’s just so much out there we could still add: Par--tially Hydrol-yzed Protein Ex-tract, Malto--dex-trin, Tri-so-dium Pho---s-phate, cheese—the possibilities are endless.”
According to Doritos spokespeople, a target date of January 1, 2006, has already been set for reaching the two million ingredient plateau. To achieve
this goal, beginning next week 274 new substances will be added to Doritos every day for the next 10 years.
Though many question whether Doritos will be able to sustain such an exhausting ingredient-adding pace over a 10-year period, company officials
remain confident. In fact, Doritos manufacturers are so confident, they are enthusiastically encouraging consumers to crunch all they want, as they have
insured the American public they will make more.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/doritos-celebrates-one-millionth-ingredient,19914/
Language  Page 12
Group Four Practice Passage:
Giant Undersea Cephalopods Targeted By Pepsi
AUGUST 11, 1999 | ISSUE 35•28
PURCHASE, NY—In what ad-industry insiders are calling the most ambitious marketing campaign in history, Pepsico launched a $2.8 billion deep-sea
research initiative and media blitz Monday, targeting the elusive giant cephalopods believed to inhabit the oceans' farthest unexplored depths.
"We here at Pepsico have already blanketed the Earth's entire surface, achieving near-total ad saturation from the ice sheets of the Antarctic to the
dense canopy of the Amazon rainforest," Pepsico vice-president of marketing Alec Herring told reporters. "Having long ago established Pepsi product
awareness throughout the global human population, we remain committed to our stated goal of seeking out and advertising to every species on the
planet, even those still unknown to science."
Giant undersea cephalopods, a species of giant octopus believed to be living undetected far beneath the ocean surface, "may or may not exist,"
according to marine biologists. The creatures, which are theorized to grow to hundreds of feet in diameter, are thought to be the only lifeform on the
planet currently unaware of Pepsi's existence.
"If they're down there, we'll find them," Herring said, "and let them know about the many fine Pepsi products they've been missing out on, such as Pepsi,
Diet Pepsi, Pepsi One, Mountain Dew, Diet Mountain Dew, Mug Root Beer, Lemon-Lime Slice and Mandarin Orange Slice."
Though the 60-foot giant squid, which has never been observed alive in its own habitat, has been called "the last great mystery of the sea," the giant
cephalopod—a name derived from the Latin for "head-foot"—is considered an even greater enigma. Thus far, all the evidence for the mysterious species
comes from one specimen: a section of tentacle discovered by fishermen in the late 19th century.
"Misclassified for almost 100 years as a giant squid tentacle, recent reexamination proved that the specimen was actually the tentacle of a previously
unknown species of octopus," said Dr. Daniel Brenner, the Pepsico marine biologist and niche-marketing expert in charge of the new undersea
campaign. "Though the specimen represented only a small section of the animal, analysis indicates it was part of an animal that was likely more than
100 feet long--a massive creature not unlike the sea monsters of ancient lore. That kind of size means that, if they do exist, they can probably work up a
powerful thirst."
A smiling Brenner then lifted a can of Pepsi to his mouth, taking care to keep the label turned toward reporters at all times, before adding, "Ahhhhhh."
With so little known about the giant cephalopods, many ad-industry observers are questioning the wisdom of Pepsi's undersea campaign. Pepsi
executives, however, assured naysayers that they are proceeding with caution.
"In 1997, plenty of people said we were foolish to consider marketing to the Loch Ness Monster," Pepsico media liaison John Druckenmiller said. "But
after spending $18 million on feasibility studies which concluded that there was no hard evidence to support the Loch Ness legend, we canceled the
campaign. Pepsico doesn't squander its advertising budget on ill-advised projects."
In an effort to locate and target-market the elusive creatures, Pepsi has developed the SodaQuest 6000 submersible, the most advanced piece of deepsea advertising technology ever built. Guided by robot remote from a master control mounted to a stationary platform at sea level, the SQ6K is equipped
with a wide range of state-of-the-art features, including motion-detection sensors that automatically project a series of videotaped Pepsi commercials
into the surrounding darkness when triggered by the movement of any large object within 500 yards.
The SQ6K is also outfitted with tiny directional microspeakers that emit a constant signal of low-frequency Pepsi jingles. At timed intervals, it also
releases trace elements of Pepsi, Diet Pepsi and Pepsi One into the water as a loss-leader promotional giveaway.
"We've been faced with tremendous technical challenges," Brenner said. "Just developing a form of carbonation that would remain fizzy under crushing
sea-bed pressures was very difficult. What's more, using the animal's own natural reproduction-cycle pheromones to attract the potential consumer--a
technique used to great success in targeting the Arctic hare, East African dung beetle and South American coatimundi--wasn't possible in this case, as
we had no samples to work with."
Despite these difficulties, Brenner insisted that the Pepsi team would not give up. He said Pepsi hopes to track down the giant cephalopods by
monitoring the giant squid upon which they are thought to feed--a problematic task, as no marine biologist has ever tracked giant squid successfully.
Currently, Pepsi researchers are looking into the possibility of attaching extra-dermal 'crittercams' to sperm whales, the giant squid's primary predator.
"Sure, it's a tough demographic to reach," Brenner said. "But we feel confident we can make Pepsi 'The Choice Of A New Generation Of Undetected
Multi-Tentacled Underwater Giants.'"
If the controversial campaign is successful, Pepsi will have achieved its longtime corporate mission of establishing product awareness throughout the
entire biomass. This would pave the way for what Pepsi executives call "the next step": lowering massive billboards into the mouths of live volcanoes to
achieve total ad saturation in the Earth's molten core.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/giant-undersea-cephalopods-targeted-by-pepsi,704/
Language  Page 13
Language  Page 14
Group Four Practice Passage:
EPA: Stubborn Environment Refusing To Meet Civilization
Halfway
MAY 12, 2010 | ISSUE 46•19
WASHINGTON—The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency called a press conference Monday to publicly denounce the environment for
blatantly refusing to pull its weight in mankind's ongoing efforts at ecological conservation.
"For 40 years, we have worked tirelessly to ensure the health and safety of our natural environment," a visibly angered EPA administrator Lisa
Jackson told reporters. "But this can only work when it's a give-and-take. If the environment won't even meet us halfway by regenerating a rain
forest or two, or pumping out some clean air and water every once in a while, then what's the point of us trying?"
Added Jackson, "I'm as committed to saving the earth as anyone, but for crying out loud, when is the earth going to hold up its end of the
bargain?"
According to an EPA report, most of the environment's day-to-day processes can be categorized as rude and inconsiderate, in particular its
selfish overreliance on "absolutely, perfectly clean soil" for sustainable growth, and its continual inability to act in good faith and adapt to rising
carbon dioxide levels.
The EPA also accused the environment of creating more work for the overburdened agency by stubbornly refusing to break down and absorb
plastic and other synthetic materials, and producing rare species that can only survive in very specific, excessively fragile ecosystems.
"We're putting in a lot of effort here with recycling and hybrid cars, so a little reciprocity from the environment would be appreciated," Jackson
said. "God forbid the oceans replenish their own fish. And would it really be so much trouble for the earth's collective biospheres to pitch in and
come up with a clean fuel alternative for use in our homes and vehicles? It's the environment's glaciers we're busting our asses trying to save,
after all."
Continued Jackson, "The environment needs to realize that mankind may not always be around to clean up its messes."
Based on recent projections pointing to a high rate of extreme weather and accelerated climate change, EPA scientists have concluded that the
least the environment could do is cut back on natural disasters, and perhaps try to grow some crops to help save the 1 billion people who go
starving every day.
A nice new waterfall here and there reportedly wouldn't hurt either, officials said.
"I think everybody is getting a little fed-up with the hurricanes, earthquakes, and tsunamis," EPA engineer Thomas Bergman said. "Not to
mention UV rays and acid rain. And, not to be petty, but shark attacks? Mankind doesn't have enough on its plate already without having to
worry about getting eaten alive by killer sharks? I'm sorry, but that is just unacceptable."
Added Bergman, "The environment may be in peril, but it has no right to treat us like animals."
In an impassioned final warning, Administrator Jackson announced that if the environment did not start helping to stave off global catastrophe
soon, it could face "serious repercussions" from humanity in the coming years, including massive Styrofoam-cup usage, oil spills, and
exponentially higher emission rates.
"It becomes very frustrating when you give, and you give, and you give, and you get nothing in return," said Jackson, holding back tears. "And
after you've exhausted yourself from all that giving, you leave work and have two measly hours of sunlight before it gets dark or starts pouring
down rain on you out of nowhere. It's like the environment doesn't even care. And what's with the leaves everywhere? Every fall, with the
goddamn leaves! What are we, your servants? We're supposed to pick up after you? Jesus, if I find one more leaf or fallen branch clogging up
my gutters, I swear to God, I'm going to snap."
"Stupid environment," Jackson added. "Sometimes I wish it would just go away."
http://www.theonion.com/articles/epa-stubborn-environment-refusing-to-meet-civiliza,17418/
Language  Page 15
Satire Activity Sheet 1
Answer the questions on the student handout to complete the chart below
Analysis
Evidence from the Text
PART ONE: What are the
author’s main points based
solely on the literal text?
PART TWO: What might be
humor, exaggeration, or
absurdity?
PART THREE: Who are the
intended targets of the satire?
PART FOUR: What is the
author’s Message and Purpose?
Language  Page 16
Satire Activity Sheet 2
Answer the questions on the student handout to complete the chart below
Analysis
Evidence from the Text
PART ONE: What are the
author’s main points based
solely on the literal text?
PART TWO: What might be
humor, exaggeration, or
absurdity?
PART THREE: Who are the
intended targets of the satire?
PART FOUR: What is the
author’s Message and Purpose?
Language  Page 17