Relationships
Feldman 12-3/13-1/13-3
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8-1
FORMING RELATIONSHIPS:
Factors in Attraction
Similarity
Proximity & Familiarity
Physical Attractiveness
(Personality Traits)
8-2
Similarity
 Similarity is when someone else’s attitudes and
behavior are similar to ours.
 It provides:
 Consensual validation – support for our own attitudes
and behavior
 Comfort – lack of conflict and a feeling of shared
understanding between the individuals
 . . . the people we like most are usually similar to us.
8-3
Familiarity and Similarity
 Familiarity is necessary for a close relationship to develop
 Moreland and Beach (1992) found students said they liked women who
attended class more often, even though the targets didn’t interact with
anyone
 Familiarity happens with repeated exposure. The “mere
exposure effect” says that the more we are exposed to a
person or object, the more positive our feelings about it
become.
 Proximity or geographical nearness leads to repeated
opportunities for exposure and allows familiarity to
develop.
8-4
Physical Attractiveness
 In the process of selecting new people to get to know,
we tend to judge them to some extent by their physical
attractiveness.
 Some qualities, such as good grooming, may indicate
desirable personality traits.
8-5
Physical Attractiveness
 Men may be more affected by physical attractiveness
than are women.
 Heterosexual men rate as important in women:
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good looks
cooking skills
frugality
 And women know and respond to this:
 Buss (1988) found that women use tactics that alter their
appearance (wear make-up, keep well-groomed, wear
stylish clothes, wear jewelry).
8-6
Physical Attractiveness
 And women have different criteria.
 When seeking an intimate partner, heterosexual women
rate as important in men:
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Considerateness
Honesty
Dependability
Kindness
Understanding
 Buss (1988) found that men use tactics that involve
resource possession and display (brag about cars and
money, display strength) to impress women.
©
8-7
Physical Attractiveness
 The Matching Hypotheses says that although most
people would like to go out with 10’s, when it comes
down to it, most of us select people whom we believe
match our own level of attractiveness.
8-8
Personality Traits
 Anderson (1968) found we are attracted to people with
personality traits such as being:
 sincere
 honest
 understanding
 loyal
 truthful
 trustworthy
 intelligent
 dependable
©
8-9
Aging and the Social World
Social Network – Social Support
 Social Convoy model of social relations — go through
life embedded in personal network of individuals that
give social support
 Helps those of all ages cope
 Improves mental and physical health
 Linked to reduced symptoms of disease
 Linked to longevity
 Emotionally positive contact lowers depression
 The composition (people) of the convoy changes, but
it does not go away.
Peer Relations in Childhood and Adolescence
Peer Group Functions
 Peers — individuals about the same age or maturity
level
 Peer groups provide source of information and
comparison about world outside the family
 Peer influences and evaluations can be negative or
positive and can influence our self-concept, selfesteem, and/or behavior.
Friendship
Six Functions of Friendship
 Companionship
 Stimulation
 Physical support
 Ego support
 Social comparison
 Intimacy/affection
 intimacy in friendship — self-disclosure
and sharing of private thoughts
Friendship
Strategies for Making Friends
Appropriate
• Initiate interaction
• Be nice
• Behave prosocially
• Show respect
• Give social support
Inappropriate
 Be psychologically
aggressive
 Present oneself
negatively
 Behave antisocially
Social or Relationship Skills
 Probably start in the home, perhaps as early as infancy.
 Develop as a person grows.
 In pre-school years are developed through play.
©
8-14
Play and Leisure
Childhood
 Functions of play
 Health
 Affiliation with peers
 Cognitive development
 Exploration
 Tension release, master anxiety and conflicts

Play therapy
Play and Leisure
Parten’s Classic Study of Play
Unoccupied
Solitary
Onlooker
Parallel
Child not engaging in play as commonly
understood; might stand in one spot
Child plays alone, independently of others
Child watches other children play
Child plays separately from others, but in
manner that mimics their play
Play that involves social interaction with
Associative
little or no organization
Play that involves social interaction in
Cooperative
group with sense of organized activity
Play and Leisure
Types of Play
Infants derive pleasure from exercising
Sensorimotor
their sensorimotor schemes
Practice
Repetition of behavior when new skills
are being learned
Pretense/
Symbolic
Occurs when child transforms physical
environment into symbol
Social
Involves social interactions with peers
Games
Activities engaged in for pleasure;
include rules
Peer Relations in Childhood and Adolescence
Developmental Changes
 Early Childhood
 Frequency of peer interaction increases
 Middle/Late Childhood
 Children spend increasing time in peer interaction
 Average time spent
 10% of time spent with peers at age 2
 20% of time spent with peers at age 4
 40% of time spent with peers during ages 7-11
Peer Relations in Childhood and Adolescence
Peer Statuses
Popular
Average
Frequently nominated as a best
friend; rarely disliked by peers
Receive average number of positive
and negative nominations from
peers
Neglected
Infrequently nominated as a best
friend but not disliked by peers
Rejected
Infrequently nominated as a best
friend; actively disliked by peers
Controversial
Frequently nominated as someone's
best friend and as being disliked
Friendship
Friendship during Childhood
 Children use friends as cognitive and social
resources
 Not all friends and friendships are equal
 Supportive friendships advantageous
 Coercive, conflict-ridden friendships not
 Friends generally similar — age, sex, ethnicity,
and many other factors
The Nature of Friendship Changes During Childhood
 Damon & Hart (1988) found that friendships are for:
 4-7 year olds – opportunities for interaction, liking
and sharing
 8-10 year olds – appreciation of personal qualities and
mutual trust
 11-15 year olds – psychological closeness, intimacy and
loyalty
8-21
Friendship
Friendship during Adolescence
 Need for intimacy intensifies
 Quality of friendship more strongly linked to
feelings of well-being
 Important sources of support
 Friends are active partners in building a sense of
identity
Friendship
Friendship during Adolescence
 Friendships in adolescence and adulthood tend to be
intimate relationships involving trust, acceptance,
liking and mutual understanding.
 The benefits include:
 reducing loneliness
 being a source of self-esteem
 providing emotional support
 providing information and social comparison
 fulfilling the need to be accepted or to belong
The Strategies for Keeping Friends . .
Are much the same as those for getting them initially. . . .
1. Be nice, kind, and considerate
2. Be honest and trustworthy
3. Respect others
4. Provide emotional support
©
8-24
Gender and Friendship
 In childhood, boys and girls remain voluntarily gender
segregated. Boys play with boys and girls with girls.
 Boys’ play tends to involve rough-and-tumble activity,
larger play groups, and the tendency to establish a
hierarchy of who has the most status.
 Girls play involves smaller groups, equal status, and
social scenarios involving negotiation and compromise
(and often some drama).
8-25
Gender and Friendship
 In friendships between women, women
 have close friends
 are likely to listen and be sympathetic
 share their thoughts and feelings
 use rapport talk
 In friendships between men, men are more likely to
engage in activities, show competition and use report
talk.
 In friendships between women and men, problems can
arise because of different expectations of romantic
involvement.
8-26
And sometimes we are temporarily without friends.
 Loneliness can occur with life transitions, such as:
 moving
 divorce
 death of friend or family member
 first year of college
 At the beginning of college life, 75%
said they felt lonely at least part
of the time
©
8-27
Relationships at Midlife
 Sometimes family obligations can diminish
opportunities for interactions with friends.
 At midlife, many people find themselves in the
“sandwich” generation, providing support to aging
parents and adult children.
 Part of this may be due to the “boomerang generation”
of adult children who are returning home for such
reasons as divorce, financial problems, difficulty
finding jobs or need for more education.
8-28
Friendship
Friendship in Late Adulthood
 Important role; tend to narrow social network
 Choose close friends over new friends
 Friends replace distant family
 Gender differences
 Women: more depressed without a best friend; no
change in desire for friends
 Men: decreased desire for new and close friends in
older adulthood
Sexuality
What is sexuality?
 Sexuality is not a personality characteristic.
 Sexuality is not a level of biological drive.
 Sexuality is a choice of behaviors.
Heterosexual Choices
 90% of people have had sexual intercourse
by age 22
 National Health & Social Life Survey (1994)
 3400 18 to 59 year olds
 Partners are alike in age, ethnicity, education &
religion
 71% have only one sex partner per year
 1/3 have sex up to twice a week; 1/3 a few times a
month; 1/3 a few times a year
Heterosexual Behavior
 Married people have the most frequent sex &
most satisfying sex lives
 Most popular activities intercourse, watching
partner undress
 75% men, 85% women not unfaithful
 Men think about sex more

Michael & others, 1994
Sexuality - Adulthood
 Sexual activity increases through the 20s and
declines in the 30s.
 80% of adults in committed relationships , and
88% in marriages report begin “extremely
physically and emotionally satisfied.”
 Only a few report persistent sexual problems
Sex and Relationships
 “Sex is a socially significant act.”
 Self-concept
 Future partners
 Parents
 Possible children
 The need to belong
 Best in truly intimate relationships
Why is sex best in an intimate relationship?
 Physical and psychological intimacy influence each
other.
 Commitment is a safeguard.
 A caring rather than a using partner.
 Identity/relationship issues are important.
Unregulated Sexual Behavior
 Unregulated sexual behavior is a problem for any
society.
 The problem is age/stage-related, in adolescence &
young adulthood
 Adolescents have the highest rates of STD’s all age
groups, 1 in 6 per year
STD’s (The Short List)
National Center for Health Statistics, 2004
1 of 6 Americans has one.
Bacterial
 Syphilis
 Gonorrhea
 Chlamydia
Viral
Genital herpes
HPV
AIDS
Cochran & Mays (1990)
 20 % of men
 4% of women
 Indicated that they would lie to a potential sex partner
about the results of a positive HIV test.
Adolescent Pregnancy
 U.S. adolescent pregnancy rate is higher than
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that of most industrialized countries
40-45% of these end in abortion
75% to unmarried females
Increased social acceptance
Belief that a baby will fill a void in life
Teenage Mothers
 Likely to be poor
 High percentage are low-income, minorities
 Tend to have limited education, poor school
performance, etc.
Effects of the Child on Circumstances
 Reduces likelihood of educational attainment
 Reduces the chance of marriage
 Increases the chances of economic disadvantage and
welfare
Why so much irresponsible sex?
Irresponsible Mindset
Lack of clear cultural standards
religion, morality, social acceptability no longer
reasons to say no
Social acceptability: Substantial numbers of
people believe it is OK
 Most high school seniors are no longer
virgins
Internal conflict – ambivalent feelings; guilt
 20% use no contraception
Irresponsible Mindset
Lack of communication about birth control/sex
Alcohol & other drugs
“Romantic fog”
Why so much irresponsible sex?
Pressure
Media/TV – spontaneous passion should be
acted upon; the 40-year-old Virgin
Subculture factors – to be “normal”
Peer pressure – to be acceptable
Date pressure – to be loved
We live in a sexually coercive society.
 12% of American girls and 5% of boys say they were
forced to have intercourse
 Among those who had sex voluntarily, 25% said
they really did not want to do so
Sexual Coercion
 Estimated 13% of women have endured rape,
legally defined as intercourse by force, by threat of
harm, or when the victim is incapable of consent
by reason of mental retardation, mental illness, or
intoxication.
 1998 college survey, 44% of women had
experienced sexual coercion; 19% of men had
obtained sex through force
Why is date rape a problem?
 Because too many people think it isn’t.
 Taking sex too lightly – no big deal
 Pornography/Myths about women
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Beliefs that women enjoy rape
Misreading friendliness
Assuming that refusal is part of the game
Sexual Coercion: The Cost
 Psychological reactions to rape resemble those of
trauma survivors
 Shock
Confusion
 Withdrawal
Chronic fatigue
 Tension
Disturbed sleep
 Depression/Suicidal thoughts
Homosexuals
 2.7% men, 1.3% women
 No real evidence of biological basis
 No clear indications of social, environmental
correlates
 May be an interaction of the two (nature-nurture
question)
 Factors in explanation
 Biological plasticity
 Social tolerance
Sexual Orientation: Not Genetically Determined
 Identical twin concordance rate is about 50%
 Inconsistency of preference
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18% heterosexual boys, 6% girls report
engaging in at least one homosexual act
Prisoners
Bisexuality
Other conditions of changing lifestyles
New Statement from APA
 “There is no consensus among scientists about the exact
reasons that an individual develops a heterosexual, bisexual,
gay or lesbian orientation. Although much research has
examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental,
social and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no
findings have emerged that permit scientists to conclude that
sexual orientation is determined by any particular factor or
factors. Many think that nature and nurture both play
complex roles. . . “
 American Psychological Association