Listening
Why Do We Listen?
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To understand and retain information
To evaluate the quality of messages
To build and maintain relationships
To help others
But it’s not as easy as we might
think…
• Hearing problems
• Rapid thought
• Information overload
• Noise
• Personal concerns
Recognize anyone?
• The pseudolistener
• The stage hog
• The selective listener
• The embellisher (filling in the gaps)
• The insulated listener
• The defensive listener
• The ambusher
Listening Components:
• Hearing
• Attending
• Understanding
Remembering
• Responding
Types of Listening Responses:
(From Most Reflective/Least Evaluative to Least Reflective/Most Evaluative)
Silent Listening
“Staying attentive and nonverbally responsive without
offering any verbal feedback.”
Attending Skills: The S.O.L.E.R. Method
S… Square up and bodily face the person
O… Open your posture and maintain it
L… Lean forward as appropriate
E… Eye contact
R… Relax, smile and keep an open expression
Questioning
“The listener asks the speaker for additional information”
•To clarify meanings
•To learn about others’ thoughts, feelings, and wants
•To encourage elaboration
•To encourage discovery
•To gather more facts and details
•To trap the speaker
•To make a statement
•To further a hidden agenda
•To seek “correct” answers
•To imply an unchecked assumption
A little more about
Questioning…
Open-Ended vs. Closed Questions
Open-ended questions are more facilitative than closed-ended
questions. Closed questions give you more definitive answers.
The “Why” Question
Questions beginning with “Why” can be problematic. They
tend to put the other person on the defensive. They also put us
in a one-up position, and the other person in a one-down
position. “How” or “What” may be better alternatives.
Paraphrasing
“Feedback that restates, in your own words, the message
you thought the speaker sent.”
• Use your own words – Don’t be a parrot!
• Give specific examples to clarify abstract statements
• Look for the big picture/main idea, and reflect that back
• Some helpful beginnings:
•What I hear you saying…
•It sounds like…
•You’re feeling…
Why paraphrase?
• Allows you to see if your understanding is
correct
• May draw out more information from the
speaker
• ***Takes the heat out of intense
discussions***
Empathizing
“Conveys identification with a speaker’s perceptions and emotions”
• An empathetic attitude is more important than a specific response
• Involves putting yourself in the other persons’ shoes
• Responses are feeling-focused
• Responses can be in the form of questions, paraphrases, or just
something small like “Oh, no!” “Really?” “Wow!” “Ouch!”
Supporting
“Reveals the listener’s solidarity with the speaker’s situation”
Agreement
Praise
Offers to Help
Reassurance
Diversion
But be careful…
Be sincere
Evaluate how helpful a supportive
response will be
Focus on the present concern, rather than
the future outcome
Analyzing
“Offering an interpretation of the speaker’s message”
“What’s really going on is…”
“You’re just afraid of…”
“Maybe it’s because…”
Tips for making a helpful analyzing response:
-- Leave yourself wiggle room – Keep it tentative
-- Make sure it’s wanted
-- Be honest with yourself about your motives
Advising
“Offering suggestions about how the speaker should deal with a
problem”
One of our most common listening responses
Can be very helpful when it is wanted
Can be very annoying when it is not wanted
It can be very helpful when it is relevant, timely, logical, and practical.
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Make sure it is wanted: “Do you want some advice?”
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Resist the temptation – Don’t give it if it’s not wanted
Evaluating
“Appraising the sender’s thoughts or behaviors in some way”
Again, make sure that the evaluation is wanted!
Constructive criticism vs. Insults
Tips to Help You Stay in the
Listening Mode
1) Concentrate on the content of what is being said.
Don’t be turned-off by poor delivery.
2) Don’t enter into an argument or make a judgment.
3) Listen for concepts and main ideas.
4) Be flexible in how you summarize what the speaker
is saying.
5) Show the speaker that you are interested, and be
active in your listening behavior.
6) Overcome distractions
7) Listen with your mind. Thought is faster than
speech.