OATFACS
GRADS Standards Unit 1.4
Conflict Resolution Skills
April 8, 2011
Jen Batton, Director GIRC
216-987-2224
Jennifer.Batton@tri-c.edu
CRE Skill Set:
Understanding Conflict
 Identify constructive/destructive conflict (what’s it
look like?)
 Identify conflict triggers in self/others
 Identify needs-based conflict
CRE Skill Set:
The Role of Emotion in Conflict
 Building emotional vocabulary/skills
 Increasing cultural sensitivity to emotions (seeing how
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culture effects emotions and expression)
Identifying emotional triggers to conflict
Using the emotional escalation/de-escalation ladder
Identify your anger style
Self-soothing/calming strategies
Verbally expressing anger (appropriately)
Using questions to identify feelings (for self and other)
Using questions to work through conflict (self and
other)
CRE Skill Set: Communication
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Paraphrasing
Summarizing
Listening for Feelings
Perception Checking
Open v. Closed Questions
I-Statements
Supporting and
Encouraging Messages
 Using Neutral Language
 Nonaggressive
communication
(complaint v. criticism v.
contempt)
 Sending /Recognizing NV
behaviors
 Adjusting to Cultural
Differences in Language
(using direct and indirect
language well)
 Adjusting to Cultural
Differences in NV
Communication (using
space, voice, gesture and
body orientation in a
culturally sensitive way)
CRE Skill Set: Problem Solving
 Steps in decision making
 Testing options for effective
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decisions
Developing realistic
implementation plans for
decisions
Facilitating group discussion
to consensus
Recognizing emotional and
cognitive perspectives
Effective questioning to
assess perceptions
 Being competent at enacting all
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conflict styles
Recognizing interests and
positions
Questioning to uncover interests
behind positions
Exploring
options/brainstorming
Creating sound arguments
Mediation
Recognizing conflict styles
Matching conflict styles to the
situation
As we begin, it is helpful to know
The Stages
in Learning a New Skill
When we learn to DO
something new, we go
through at least 7 stages.
Interfaith Center for Peace. Used by permission
The Stages in Learning a New Skill
1. Awareness
2. Knowledge and Information
3. Awkward Engagement
4. Phoniness and Artificiality
5. Mechanical Use
6. Routine and Customary
7. Creative and Innovative
Interfaith Center for Peace. Used by permission.
Concentric Circles
 We will number off, 1-2,
around the room.
 Form a circle with 1s in
the middle facing out
and 2s on the outside
facing in.
Understanding Conflict
 How do you define conflict?
 What are some of the conflicts in school between
students?
 What are some of the conflicts in school between
staff/administration/faculty?
 How are conflicts handled in school?
 What are some of the better ways you feel conflicts
might be addressed?
Danger or Opportunity
Basic Needs
are at the
Root of
Conflict
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© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
William Glasser – Five Basic Needs
 Belonging - Loving, Cooperating, Fitting-In
 Power – (NOT over others), That we can succeed,
Feeling Important, Being Respected
 Freedom - Making Choices and Decisions
 Fun - Laughing, Playing, Finding Joy in Life
 Security - Feeling Safe from Put-Downs, Ridicule
and Physical Abuse
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
Appropriate and Inappropriate
Methods
 People have appropriate and inappropriate ways to
get their needs met.
 Around the room are flip charts with the needs
listed.
 Grab a marker and write on the charts both
appropriate and inappropriate ways you see adults
meet this need.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
The Way the Brain Works
Amygdala:
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
the source of
reactions to
conflict
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INSTINCTIVE
REACTIONS
Fight
or
Flight
Choice
LEARNED
RESPONSES
15
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
Conflict Styles
 Conflict styles are the predominant ways that
people deal with conflict.
 Most people rely on one or two styles that are
often defined by emphasis on concern for the
self or concern for the other.
 The goal of an effective conflict manager is to
be able to use any conflict style when the
situation demands.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
CRETE Project
www.creducation.org
Thomas and Kilmann Styles
 Competing: a win-lose orientation in which
you try to maximize your gains
 Compromising: “Split the Difference”
 Collaborating: Problem-solving style in which
the parties work together against the problem.
CRETE Project
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
www.creducation.org
Thomas and Kilmann Styles
 Avoiding: Avoidance can be either physical
and/or psychological
 Accommodating: meeting the needs of the
other person but ignoring your own needs.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
CRETE Project
www.creducation.org
WE CAN CHOOSE OUR RESPONSE
TO CONFLICT
Compete
Collaborate
Compromise
Withdraw,
Ignore
Smooth,
Accommodate
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute
Resolution
Concern for the Relationship
When Each Style is the Best
 Competing:
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When it is a matter of law, ethics, safety, or rules.
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When important others expect you to compete.
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When the other will be very competitive.
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AND when the stakes are high.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
COMPETING
A person who chooses a competitive style put his/her own interest before
anyone else’s interest. Sometimes they try so hard to get what they want that
they ruin friendships.
A LION can be a symbol of a competitive style. The lion’s loud roar helps
the lion to satisfy its interest. For example, if the lion’s family is hungry and
needs food, the lion may use its strength and loud roar to get the food
because it is important for the family.
People who often choose the Lion response to achieve interests may use
other responses when the relationship is important.
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© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
When Each Style is the Best
 Avoiding
 When the issue is trivial to you
 When there is no long-term relationship
 When you are the low power party in a serious power
imbalance
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
CRETE Project
www.creducation.org
AVOIDING
A person who chooses the avoiding style does not get involved in a conflict.
He/she might say “you decide and leave me out of it.”
A TURTLE can be a symbol of the avoiding style because it can avoid
everything by pulling it’s head and legs into its shell to get away from
everyone.
People often withdraw temporarily from a disagreement in order to “cool
off” or to consider a response. Then they may choose another response,
depending on their goals and the importance of the relationship.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
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When Each Style is the Best
 Collaborating:
 When the issue is complex and requires
creativity.
 When there is a long-term relationship.
 When their implementation of the
decision is necessary
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
www.creducation.org
COLLABORATIVE PROBLEM-SOLVING
A collaborative problem-solving style enables people to work together so
that everyone can win.
A DOLPHIN usually chooses this style. Dolphins use whistles and clicks
to communicate with each other to catch food cooperatively and to summon
help. For example, when a dolphin is sick or injured, other dolphins will help
it to the surface so it can breathe.
People who choose this style are willing to commit time and skill so that
they can achieve their goals and also keep the relationship strong by helping
the others involved to achieve their goals, too.
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© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
When Each Style is the Best
 Compromising
 When there are truly finite resources.
 When there are no means to increase
the divisible resources.
 When time is short.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
COMPROMISING
People choose a compromising style when they want to satisfy some of their
interests, but not all of them. They are likely to say “let’s split the difference”
or “something is better than nothing.
A ZEBRA can be a symbol for the compromising style. A zebra’s unique
look seems to indicate that it didn’t care if it was a black horse or a white
animal, so it “split the difference” and chose black and white stripes.
Someone who commonly chooses the zebra response may not choose a
compromising style for all things. A “zebra” may choose cooperative or
competitive style like the dolphin or the lion, depending on the situation.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
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When Each Style is the Best
 Accommodating:
 When the issue is trivial to you.
 When harmony in the relationship is all
important.
 When you are the low power party in a
serious power imbalance.
 When you want to build trust with the
other by demonstrating a protection of
their interests.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
ACCOMMODATING
A person who chooses an accommodating style puts his/her own interest last
and lets other have what they want. Many times these people believe that
keeping a good friendship is more important than anything else.
A CHAMELEON can be a symbol of the accommodating style because it
changes its color to match the color of its surroundings. The chameleon fits
quietly into its environment.
Someone who often accommodates may choose other styles when specific
and personal goals become more important.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
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The Cycle of Conflict begins with the
world view.
World
View
Self-image
Attitudes
Previous history
Irrational beliefs
Internal logic
Unmet needs
© 2005 Interfaith Center for Peace. Used by permission
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The Cycle of Conflict
World
View
Response
of Others
Behavior
Stress
Feelings
Adapted from Nicholas Long and Mary Wood
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Many reactions…
 Mirror the behavior
 Stress arouses feelings.
of the other person.
 Confirm the other
person’s irrational
beliefs.
 Feelings trigger
behavior.
 Behavior incites others.
 Others increase stress.
 Around it goes!
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© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
Here is what you can do to make a difference:
 Change your own response because that’s the
only thing you CAN change.
 Respond—don’t react—from your “thinking”
brain.
 Do not mirror aggressive behavior.
 Use strategies for de-escalation.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
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Emotion and Conflict
 We know we are in a conflict because we FEEL
it, both physically and with our emotions.
 Emotions affect our perceptions and
behaviors.
 Emotion escalates conflict.
 People need to become emotionally aware in
order to manage conflict constructively.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
CRETE Project
EMOTIONS AND CONFLICT
 Emotions can create conflict.
 Emotions can make conflict worse.
 Emotions can make conflict better.
 Dealing with feelings can be difficult and scary.
 It takes time to determine what people are feeling--
and it does matter!
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
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Key Skills for Managing Emotion
in Conflict:
 Know your Emotion Triggers (what “bugs” you).
 Know how you might “Bug” others.
 Appreciate that people have different emotional
responses.
 Understand how emotions can escalate conflict.
 Learn how to de-escalate emotions in conflict.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
CRETE Project
SOME FEELINGS:
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© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
ANGER IS LIKE AN ICEBERG.
Anger is often the
second emotion
a person feels.
A different
emotion comes
first and remains
hidden.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
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CONFLICT ESCALATOR
STEPS FOR HANDLING
EMOTIONS
Name
Claim
Tame
Reframe
Aim
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
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Try This!
THINK OF A TIME WHEN YOU HAD A STRONG FEELING--MAYBE
ANGER OR DISLIKE.
TALK WITH A PARTNER ABOUT HOW YOU USED, OR COULD
HAVE USED THESE STEPS.
 Name: What I did, or could have done to name my feeling.
 Claim: What I did, or could have done to claim my feeling.
 Tame: What I did, or could have done, to tame my feeling.
 Reframe: What I did, or could have done, to reframe my feeling.
 Aim: What I did, or could have done, to aim my feeling: address it,
let it go, apologize, something else?
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
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Communication and Conflict
 Perceptions and Perspective-Taking
 “I” Messages
 Active Listening
 Nonverbal
 Verbal
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
CRETE Project
www.creducation.org
What do you see in the picture?
 We see what we see.
 We judge ourselves by our
intentions.
 We judge others by our
perceptions.
 Sometimes our
perceptions are not
accurate.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
Impact of Perception
 We act towards others on the basis of our perceptions
 We often use our perceptions to predict what we think
the other will think or do next
 We are less likely to check the accuracy of our
perceptions with those we know well or people we’ve
already decided are “bad”
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
Perception Checking – 3 Parts
Description – provide a description of the behavior you
noticed
Interpretation – provide two possible interpretations of
the behavior
Clarification – request clarification from the person
about the behavior and your interpretations
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
Perception Checking Example
“When you stomped out of the room and slammed the
door…” (description of the behavior) “I wasn’t sure
whether you were mad at me…” (interpretation #1) “or
just in a hurry.” (Interpretation #2) “What were you
feeling? (request for clarification).
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
Practice Perception Checking:
A fellow classmate/colleague has not responded to your
“good morning” for two days in a row. This person is
usually friendly.
A colleague/classmate has not read your email for 3
weeks according to the “read receipt” option that you
sent about a joint project. They have not been
particularly engaged from the beginning.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
Questioning and Answering
Appropriately
The power of “Why?”
The question of “why” is almost always perceived as
hostile and intrusive. It puts the other person on
the defensive. “Why” escalates.
Just answer the question.
One of the early stages of conflict is the
“questioning” stage. If you simply answer the
question, over and over if necessary, the escalation
is often stopped.
Change the “Why” Questions
 Why are you late?
 Why didn’t you read the emails?
 Why were you unprepared for the meeting again?
 Why don’t you want to participate in the program?
 Why didn’t you finish your part of the project?
 Why did you say that to our colleague?
I-Messages - Goals
 Reduce Defensiveness and Blame
 Avoid “you” statements that will escalate the conflict
 Respond in a way that will de-escalate the conflict
 Identify feelings
 Identify behaviors causing the conflict
 Help resolve/prevent future conflicts
“I” messages
I feel/am _____________ (Name feeling such as frustrated,
embarrassed, insulted, worried, Don’t use “I feel
like/that”)
when _____________ (Explain the specific situation)
because _____________ (Explain how the specific behavior
causes difficulty for you)
I would like __________ (Share options for what you would
prefer to see done differently)
Practice “I” messages
 You loan your book to a fellow student/colleague and
he/she loses it.
 The student/colleague who sits next to you in
class/during a meeting distracts you by constantly
texting on their phone and eating out of a crinkly bag of
chips.
 A colleague/student constantly comes late which
disrupts the meeting and/or activities which are in
progress.
 A student/colleague is teasing you in public and you
don’t like it.
Requires Verbal and Non-verbal Skills
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
53
Verbal Skills
Question-ask open ended or
clarifying questions.
Respond-affirm verbally (“ok”) or
non-verbally (head nods etc.)
Reflect-Verbally reflect back any
emotion the speaker mentions, or
ask about feelings.
Summarize what the person has just
told you. Check in to see if you
have heard it correctly.
Thanks!
(“I’m glad you told me this.”)
© 2005 Interfaith Center for Peace. Used by permission.
Non-verbal communication skills
 Stance/ body language
 Eye contact
 Hand gestures
 Proximity to another person
 Facial expressions
Non-Verbal Communication
When you are talking to another person, very little of
the message they receive comes from your words!
Body Language = 50%
Tone of Voice = 40%
Words = 10%
If we want to manage conflict effectively,
we must possess good non-verbal communication skills!
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BEING A GOOD LISTENER
RULES FOR BEING A GOOD LISTENER

LISTEN as if you were in the other person’s place to better
understand what the person is saying and how he or she feels.
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SHOW you understand and care with verbal and nonverbal
behavior: tone of voice, facial expressions, gestures, eye contact
and posture.
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RESTATE the person’s most important thoughts and feelings.
DO NOT interrupt, offer advice or give suggestions. Do not
begin to talk about problems you have or bring up similar
experiences of your own.
© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
57
Question-ask open ended or
clarifying questions.
Respond-affirm verbally (“ok”) or
non-verbally (head nods etc.)
Reflect-Verbally reflect back any
emotion the speaker mentions, or
ask about feelings.
Summarize what the person has just
told you. Check in to see if you
have heard it correctly.
Thanks!
(“I’m glad you told me this.”)
© 2005 Interfaith Center for Peace. Used by permission.
POSITIONS AND INTERESTS
(or “Demands” and “Really Needs”)
A POSITION
AN INTEREST
IS
IS
WHAT
WHY
SOMEONE
WANTS.
SOMEONE
WANTS IT.
© 2009 N.E. Ohio Juvenile Detention Professional Development Project
All Rights Reserved
59
Brainstorm
 This is a process of creating as many solutions
as possible BEFORE you evaluate them to
decide which are the best options.
 Otherwise, good ideas never have a chance to
be suggested and discussed because people
are too busy arguing over the first ideas
introduced.
CRETE Project
www.creducation.org
Brainstorming
The goal of brainstorming is to list
as many ideas as possible
without criticizing or judging.
Brainstorming
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gives a creative and open feeling;
helps generate ideas;
encourages teamwork.
© 2009 N.E. Ohio Juvenile Detention Professional Development Project
All Rights Reserved
61
Say anything that comes to mind.
 Don’t judge your ideas.
 All ideas are accepted.
 Let your thoughts come quickly.
 Build on the ideas of others.
 “Funny” ideas are OK.
 Think of as many creative ideas as you can.
 Set a time limit, and stick to it!
© 2009 N.E. Ohio Juvenile Detention Professional Development Project
All Rights Reserved
62
Exploring Options
Sometimes we resolve
conflicts without a formal
brainstorming session.
We explore the options as
we come up with ideas.
© 2009 N.E. Ohio Juvenile Detention Professional Development Project
All Rights Reserved
63
Curriculum Resource Guides
Searchable CDs of CRE Lessons, Primary and Secondary
Level, Administrator’s Guide, Staff Development
Guide.
 Over 600 lessons per Guide
 Searchable by Topic and Subject Area
Created by state government offices, the Ohio Department of
Education and the Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution
and Conflict Management
www.disputeresolution.ohio.gov
National Standards for Peer
Mediation
Available at the National Association for
Conflict Resolution Web site:
www.acrnet.org
Free CRE Resources: www.creducation.org