FLAP, WRECK, CHALK, KNUCKLES, MARTYR, CAPSULE
Soy el Rencor de Jack
By Ross Compton
5 teachers sit in chairs that form a circle. There is a sixth chair that is empty. They’re in a class room with
many posters and banners baring Spanish letters and phrases on the walls. The names and descriptions of
said teachers are as follows: MR. BERNARD, the bespectacled and bearded, middle-aged Ancient
History teacher. MRS. DOMJANOVICH, the short and stout middle-aged choir teacher. MRS. STRACK,
the 75-year-old Spanish Professor, MR. REAGAN, an Algebra 2 teacher in his late thirties, and MS.
AIMS, the 28-year-old assistant principal. We meet these people in mid conversation.
MR. REAGAN
...nothing’ll come of it, I don’t think. She seemed pretty distracted the whole time. We made eye contact,
like, twice.
MS. AIMS
I’m sorry, goofy.
MR. REAGAN
No, it’s fine. I admit, I’m not that impressive. (In a Ron Burgundy voice) I suppose I should have many
leather-bound books and an apartment that smells of rich mahogany to impress a lady.
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Ha,ha,ha! You’re too funny! Did you just make that up?
MR. REAGAN
Heh……yeah.
MS. AIMS
Did you ever think of doing Second City? I’ve got some girlfriends who took classes there.
MR. REAGAN
Yeah, I did the whole Second City thing. Wasn’t for me. See, it’s not about the work there. They just
want to churn a product out to the masses. ( ala Cabaret) Money makes the world go round!!!!! That’s all
they care about.
MS. AIMS
Well, I think you would have kicked butt. You’re hilarious.
MR. REAGAN
I’m not gonna lie. I did do pretty good. You know, the SNL guys came once? Lorne and the head writer.
The whole she-bang. They were interested in seeing me in New York, but I just couldn’t. I had too much
here tying me down, you know?
MR. BERNARD
(Unbelieving) Let me get this straight. You had the chance to be a part of the most famous sketch comedy
program in the world. An institution that’s been around for nearly 40 years and broadcasts every week to
millions of viewers. A nationally lauded club that housed the likes of Belushi and Murray. And you
declined in favor of a po-dunk, shit heel little Indiana town so narrow minded that its community
successfully lobbied to change our school’s sports team name and mascot because they thought a baboon
was too promiscuous…all so that you could teach Algebra II?
MR. REAGAN
(beat) Well, I taught Calculus back then. So…
MR. BERNARD
Maybe we should just get started now, huh? Enough dilly-dally.
MS. AIMS
Hold on, old spice. Jack isn’t here yet. You know how this works.
MR. BERNARD
Jack’s the most punctual guy I know. If he’s not here yet, he ain’t coming. Let’s go.
MS. AIMS
No! Listen, it’s been a rough month for all of us. That’s par for the course in January. We all get back
from break, the weather’s awful, and seasonal affective disorder sets in, ok? So you know the kids are
going to be a special kind of hell. We’re all stressed and that is, of course, why we’re here right now, but
that doesn’t mean we have to throw law and order out the window.
MS. DOMJANOVICH
(to Mr. REAGAN) Wait, did you make up that money song from before?
MS. AIMS
(Immediately loses her cool) No, you dumb fart! He did not make up “Money Makes the World Go
‘Round.” It’s a 50 year old song! You’re a choir teacher and you’ve never heard of Cabaret?
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
I’ve heard of it.
MS. AIMS
You’re right, old spice. We should just get started.
MS. AIMS stands up but MRS. STRACK puts her hand on her shoulder.
MRS. STRACK
No. We wait. We wait.
MS. AIMS stares at her, and then nods her head. Turns to MRS. DOMJANOVICH
MS. AIMS
I’m sorry I called you a fart.
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
I’m sorry I’m not more knowledgeable of musical theater.
MR. JACK , the current events teacher, enters carrying a basket. He is upbeat, attractive and very young.
Like, 22.
MR. JACK
Hey gang! Who wants cookies? (Reads the room) Whoa, I didn’t just wreck a tender moment, did I?
MR. REAGAN
Hey Jack!
MR. BERNARD
Howdy, Sir.
MS. AIMS
Hi, Baby Boy! You didn’t wreck anything! We were just wondering where you were.
MR. JACK
Yeah, I’m sorry guys! These cookies took forever to make! I just pulled them out of the oven. Peanut
butter cookies with bacon.
Everyone in the room lets out a joyous “Oh-God-That-Sounds-Amazing” sound, except for MRS.
STRACK. MR. JACK begins passing the cookies out individually.
MR. JACK
Ms. Aims…
MS. AIMS
You are a prince.
MR. JACK
…Mr. Reagan…
MR. REAGAN
Thanks man. It’s a great recipe. I’ve made these before, too. For the group and everything.
MR. JACK
Uh huh…Mr. Bernard…
MR. BERNARD
Thank you, kindly.
MR. JACK
(teasingly) Don’t get any in your beard.
MR. BERNARD
I really hate when you say things like that, Jack.
MR. JACK
(backs down immediately) Sorry. Uh, Mrs. Domjanovich…
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Thank you…oh..two please?
MR. JACK
Oh, sure.
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Thanks, hon.
MR. JACK
And…Mrs. Strack.
MRS. STRACK and MR. JACK stare at each other. It is tense for some reason. She has a poker face
while he smiles. But there is something behind the smile that suggests anxiety. She slowly takes the
cookie from his grasp.
MRS. STRACK
Gracias.
MR. JACK
You’re welcome. (beat) Well there’s plenty more where that came from.
MS. AIMS
Oh, you can set the basket on the podium.
MR. JACK looks behind him. The podium sits at the front of the class. He contemplates the trip to the
front of the class as if it were the same as scaling Mt. Everest.
MR. JACK
I’ll just set it down by me.
MS. AIMS
Alright.
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
These are amazing! You’d never think bacon and peanut butter would go together.
MR. JACK
I know, right? But they’re always a hit. I made them for my team and they wouldn’t shut up about them.
MR. REAGAN
Your Improv team?
MR. JACK
Yeah.
MR. REAGAN
Yeah, they WOULD like those cookies, man. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Those guys are hilarious! Thanks again
for letting me sit in on your rehearsal that one time.
MR. JACK
No problem.
MR. REAGAN
I’d love to do that again.
MR. JACK
Ok.
MR. REAGAN
You guys meeting soon?
MR. JACK
We’re taking a little break
MR. REAGAN
Yeah, good call. Sometimes you need a breather. Don’t want your tools to get overworked. Sometimes
you need to stay home and sharpen them. For a long time. Alone.
MR. JACK
…exactly.
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Do you guys get paid to do that?
MR. JACK
No, we just do it for fun. We’re NOT “all about the benjamins, baby.”
Everyone but MRS. STRACK laughs.
MR. REAGAN
(a little too eager) That’s…that’s so funny! You…should have been here earlier. We were talking about
money.. or improv and making money…and I said…”Money makesMS.AIMS
Why don’t we get started?
MR. REAGAN
Ok.
MS. AIMS
First off, I want to address the obvious change of scenery. We’re surrounded by a lot more Spanish than
usual, and I want to thank Mrs. Strack for letting us use her home base. She just asks that we all clean up
when were finished.
Everyone laughs.
MS. AIMS (continued)
We laugh, but it is crucial that we clean every single mark, scuff and stain before we leave. We cannot
raise any suspicion, especially with students. Obviously, the teacher’s lounge is off limits because of the
nests they found in the walls. We don’t want birds to suddenly flap about us as we get down to business.
MR. BERNARD
For crying out loud! They haven’t cleaned the damn things out yet?
MS. AIMS
No, old spice. And that’s as good enough a transition as any to the first urgent matter. That is, if you all
don’t mind that I go first.
Everyone agrees to let her take the floor.
MS. AIMS
Thank you. (beat) I’m at about my wits end. Certain improvements--things I that I look at as clear nobrainers-- aren’t being made. Things like reverting our new “bird sanctuary” back into a teachers lounge.
But it doesn’t get done. Because that’s not a “space for learning.” “It in no way benefits the student
body.” Well if the educators who corral the student body don’t have a place of refuge, than NO ONE
benefits. Everything merely becomes chaos. If the board determines that we have no room in the budget
for supplies that we desperately, desperately need--you know, little things like…chalk--nothing can
function.
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
I had to use a chunk of dirt I found in the street the other day.
MS. AIMS
There you go. And it’s all in service to whatever the school needs for football. The building is falling
apart, but does the team have everything they need? Are they comfortable? Do we need to rent them
another stretch limo to take them to downtown Chicago for a “team retreat” when I know that’s just code
for strip club? The sporting events always take precedence, and we’re expected to let education fall by the
way side. And of course, if we’re not cheering for the home team, we’re accused of simply having no
school spirit! “Go To-Be-Determineds!” And heaven forbid anyone listen to me. They put “assistant”
before principal so any input I have is of little relevance. I suppose in their eyes, being a young woman
doesn’t help my case, either. I’m just sick and exhausted and at the end of my rope, and I need help with
this NOW. So who…wants to help me deal with this?
Pause. They are silent
MS. AIMS
(turns to MRS. STRACK) Chica? You wanna go?
MRS. STRACK
No. I’ll wait. I’ll wait
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
I’ll go.
MS. AIMS
Thanks Pound Cake
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
I still don’t understand why I’m “Pound Cake”.
They all stand up and they move the chairs out of the way. MS. AIMS and MRS. DOMJANOVICH take
the center. The other teachers form a half circle around them. The women take off their rings and jewelry.
MRS. DOMJANOVICH removes her blazer. They then stare at each other for a beat until:
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Come at me, woman.
MS. AIMS charges at MRS. DOMJANOVICH. They reach each other and put their hands on one another
as if in a wrestling stance. The other teachers start cheering. They struggle for a bit until
DOMJANOVICH stomps on AIMS’ foot. She yelps. DOMJANOVICH manages to flip AIMS onto her
back. AIMS kicks DOMJANOVICH in the face and she falls backward. The cheering becomes rowdier.
They both get back on to their feet and engage in a full on fist-fight. A flurry of face and gut hits. AIMS
gets the upper hand, guided by unbridled rage. Eventually AIMS knocks DOMJANOVICH back to the
ground. She walks over to one of the desks. The small kind that is attached to the chair itself. She picks it
up, ready to brandish it as a weapon. She then realizes and looks over to MRS. STRACK for permission.
MRS. STRACK
Go ahead. I have extra desks in the closet.
MS. AIMS nods her head and swings the desk. It contacts DOMJANOVICH in the small of her back as
she was making her way back up. The desk busts into pieces. She falls over again. All of the other
teachers are practically screaming now. It’s savage. Primal. AIMS jumps on top of DOMJANOVICH.
DOMJANOVICH pulls on AIMS hair and manages to turn the tables, flipping AIMS on her back.
DOMJANOVICH sits on top of AIMS. AIMS begins to gasp.
MS. AIMS
I can’t breathe! GET OFF!
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Are you calling it?
MS. AIMS
Yes! GET OFF!
MRS.DOMJANOVICH gets off of MS. AIMS. They both stand back up.
MS. AIMS
(Serious but not angry) You trying to crush me? You should know better than to pull moves like that,
pound cake.
This rubs MRS. DOMJANOVICH entirely the wrong way. She loses it and charges into MS. AIMS.
They both go careening into a group of desks. MR. BERNARD steps into break it up.
MR. BERNARD
Ok! Ok! Hold up! You called it! You guys have to stop!
MR. BERNARD gets them to their feet and wedges himself between them.
MR. BERNARD
Stop, stop! It’s over. (to DOMJANOVICH) You good? (to AIMS) you good? Alright.
MR. BERNARD starts to applaud and the others follow suit. AIMS and DOMJANOVICH smile now.
This was nothing if not therapeutic. They both shake hands. MS. AIMS works her way to the basket and
grabs two cookies. She hands one to MRS. DOMJANOVICH and they proceed in chowing down.
MR. REAGAN
That was excellent, you guys.
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Thanks.
MS. AIMS
Thank you. We may have overdid it. What was that at the end?
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Huh?
MS. AIMS
I thought we’d called it, and you went in for more.
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Oh, that was nothing. It was intense, I just…I just really got into it this time.
MS. AIMS
Clearly. I think my left foot is numb, which can only be a bad thing.
MR. REAGAN
Don’t worry, Ms. Aims. Just… (ala Kill Bill) ”wiggle your big toe. Wiggle your big toe.”
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Oh, you’re so clever. How do you come up with so many clever, witty things to say?
As a contrast to her comments to MR. REAGAN earlier, this seems a little force and cynical. MR.
REAGAN registers this.
MR. JACK
Hey guys, are you sure we’re safe to do this in here? I feel like it’d be very easy for someone to hear us.
MS. AIMS
It’s 1 in the morning, baby boy. We’re on the lower level and there are no windows. I think we’re fine.
MR. JACK
Yes, I know. But don’t the janitors get here relatively soon?
MRS. STRACK
Miedioso.
MR. JACK
Don’t! (beat) I’m sorry, it’s just that…I mean, we’re in a Spanish classroom, but this isn’t a Spanish
lesson. Can we all just speak English here?
MRS. STRACK slowly smiles at MR. JACK.
MRS. STRACK
*tsk* *tsk* *tsk* Juanito. Have you forgotten everything?
MS. AIMS
Who’s next?
MR. BERNARD
I’ll go next. I’ve got to get this one off my chest soon or I’ll spontaneously combust.
MS. AIMS
Alright. Go ahead, Old Spice.
They all remain standing as they listen to MR. BERNARD speak
MR. BERNARD
Ok. So, my third period. Everyday. A little piece of human garbage by name Dominick Pulaski. He never
shuts the up. And every time he opens that cavernous filth-hole he calls a mouth, I want to rip out his
tongue and shove it up his anus.
MS. AIMS
Ok, time out. I know it’s somewhat hypocritical for me to say this, considering what we do here, but can
you tone it down just a tad?
MR. BERNARD
Sorry. He really grinds my gears. First of all he thinks he’s hot shi- hot stuff because his parents own half
the town. So of course that gives him full reign to do or say whatever he wants. Asking me questions like
“Mr. Bernard, did you get the Ancient History teaching job because you remember it?” Or once he
changed my laptop background, so during a presentation I ended up projecting a picture of a Llama
pooping my head.
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Pooping on your head?
MR. BERNARD
No, actually pooping my head. Like my head was a poop. It was Photoshop; the anarchist’s program.
Anyway, if I try and discipline the little creep, of course I get some very angry calls about how “he’s
expressing himself and how dare I stifle that.” Real grade A bullshit to protect potential donations to the
school. The adolescents of today are plagued by a virus and that virus is called “entitlement.” And the
worst part is, they keep coming up with new ways to spread their own arrogance. You know why they call
them “tweets”? Because very much like a bird, a young person will take their ignorant, uneducated
opinion and regurgitate it into the mounts of other ignorant, uneducated little birdies and it goes back and
forth, again and again until it all snowballs into a massive bombardment of stupid that swallows up all
educated reason. So who’s ready for this?
MR. JACK
I’ll go with you, Mr. Bernard.
MR. BERNARD
Great. And… I don’t know if this is weird to ask or not, but…can you pretend to be Dominick? Like, I
don’t know, can we role-play like you’re in my class and being belligerent? It’s real easy, just pretend that
you are directionless and have given up being be an actual, functional person.
MR. JACK
Uh, sure. I can do that.
MR. REAGAN
Ooh! Let me!. I know exactly how to be belligerent!
MR. JACK
Its fine, Mr. Reagan. I’ll be Dominick
MR. REAGAN
No, you’ll act Dominick. I will become him.
MR. JACK
Sir, I was literally a student at this school 5 years ago. I remember what it was like to be a teenager.
MR. REAGAN
Yes, we’re all really impressed with your method acting. But I’m a keen observer of human behavior.
You want a directionless student? I teach Algebra 2 to seniors. I’m surrounded by people who have
already given up on life.
MR. BERNARD
Yeah. Its ok, Jack. I’d like to fight him.
MR. REAGAN
Great! Just a minute, I need to get into character.
MR. REAGAN goes off to the corner, lowers his head, and stands there silently. It’s dramatic and weird.
MR. BERNARD
What are you doing?
MR. REAGAN
Shhhh. Just a sec.
MR. REAGAN begins to shake lightly, as if he is quietly sobbing. He gets back up and walks over to
them. We see that he was.
MR. REAGAN
Alright, let’s do this.
MR. JACK
Were you just crying?
MR. REAGAN
Yeah, don’t worry about it. I’m ready! Let’s go.
MR BERNARD
Ok. (goes over to the blackboard) Alright class. Please turn in your books to chapter 3: Ancient
Mesopotamia.
MR. REAGAN
(trying his best to sound like an apathetic teen) Mesopo-WHAT? You’re just making this stuff up now,
aren’t ya, ya bearded freak?
MR. BERNARD
Actually, Mr. Pulaski, if you would apply yourself and read the assignment, maybe you’d….
MR. REAGAN
I don’t gots time read, Mr. Bear-Nards. As in a bear’s balls. I’m too busy doing rich kid stuff, like driving
my speedboat, and going to bomb-ass concerts and hanging out with the band afterwards and snorting
coke out of a roadie’s belly button. (breaks character) That was too much, sorry.
MR. BERNARD
(deadly serious) You think you’re better than everyone else, but you’re not. You’ll see that one day. The
crushing reality that life isn’t some infinite party will hit you like your parents never did, and you’ll be as
miserable as the rest of humanity.
MR. REAGAN
(A little taken aback by how “real” this just got.) Uh, whatever man. Everything’s going awesome for me,
and it always will. I’m large and in charge, man.
MR. BERNARD
Really? Large and in charge? Kind of like the city of Babylon. It was the biggest city in the world for a
hundred years, enjoying nothing but prosperity that entire time. That you?
MR. REAGAN
…..yeah, I guess so. I’m Babylon.
MR. BERNARD
Well then, call me Cyrus the Great, because you’re about to FALL, MOTHERFUCKER!!!
MR. BERNARD throws a text book at MR. REAGAN and nails him in the face. He topples over in his
desk. MR. BERNARD straddles him and continuously punches him in the face. Everyone gets up and
gets excited again.
MR. BERNARD
EAT MY KNUCKLES YOU SNOT-NOSED RODENT!
MR. BERNARD is relentless. MR. REAGAN tries to get punches in, but BERNARD is able to block
each one. People gather around as they did before. They cheer and are rowdy at first. But as the
pummeling continues, the teachers begin to notice how one-sided it is and the excitement dies down.
MR. BERNARD
YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST COME IN HERE AND SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT ALL THE
TIME?!?!?
MR. JACK
Maybe somebody should step in.
MS. AIMS
I think we need to let him work this out.
MR. BERNARD
THERE ARE RULES, AND YOU ARE NOT ABOVE THE RULES!
MR. JACK
He’s going to kill him!
MS. AIMS
Just hold on.
MR. BERNARD
NOBODY CARES ABOUT SECOND CITY!
MR. REAGAN suddenly makes a “time out” symbol with his hands. JACK and AIMS step in and pull
BERNARD off of REAGAN. MS. AIMS tends to REAGAN and JACK escorts MR. BERNARD off to
the side.
MR. JACK
Where’d you go, psycho boy?
MR. BERNARD
I felt like destroying something lame.
MS. AIMS
Are you alright, goofy?
MR. REAGAN
(spits up blood) Yeah.
MS. AIMS
I’m so sorry. We let that go on far too long. I’m not sure why Old Spice was so unrelenting.
MR. REAGAN
What? The punching? That’s not why I called time. That was actually awesome! I didn’t know he had it
in him.
MS. AIMS
Well, why…
MR. REAGAN
He mentioned Second City. That’s not a Dominic thing. That’s a me thing
The teachers look at MR. BERNARD
MR. BERNARD
(beat) That one may have been just for you.
MR. REAGAN
That’s not cool, man. You said “role-play.” This isn’t a personal beef between us. We come here to fight
each other but we’re not here to fight each other.
MR. BERNARD
You just won’t shut up about your crappy, non-existent, comedy career. It’s pathetic to listen to. I’ve
never heard anyone hang on to something for so long. Move on.
MR. REAGAN
Ahem. You teach Ancient History.
MR. BERNARD
I know. And that’s exactly what your days at Second City are.
MR. REAGAN
(Beat) I know what this is. This is about you. You’re just a bitter old man whose best days are behind
him. Your dreams have come and gone, and now you’re stuck like the rest of us. I’m sure you didn’t
dream of becoming a High School teacher when you were a kid. Did you?
MR. BERNARD
…no.
MR. REAGAN
What did you want to be when you grew up?
MR. BERNARD
(Pause.) I… I wanted to be in Up With People.
MR.REAGAN
Ha! That’s even better than I was hoping. Up With People!
MS AIMS and MR. JACK
What’s “Up With People?”
MR. REAGAN
(to AIMS and JACK) First of all, I hate you both. (to MR.BERNARD) Secondly, Mr. Bernard, you and I
are the same. But I haven’t forgotten that creative part of me. I’m keeping it alive.
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Oh shut up, Craig.
MR. REAGAN turns around, shocked at this sudden outburst
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Anchorman. Cabaret. Kill Bill. You’ve made direct quotes from all of these films. Not one original
thought has come out of your mouth tonight.
MR. REAGAN
So you knew! You knew those were quotes!
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
You better believe it. It’s a game I’ve been playing with you for quite a while now. “How far will Craig
Reagan go to make us think he’s actually funny?” Every single time I’ve played dumb and asked if
you’ve made something up, you’ve taken credit.
MS. AIMS
Wow. I’m a little surprised. You always seem so…oblivious, Pound Cake.
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Oh, and don’t get me started on you. Would you like to know why the board doesn’t take you seriously or
listen to your opinions? It’s not because you’re young or because you’re a woman. It’s because you’re
still acting like the little kid who got invited to the big kid’s treehouse. You’re trying so desperately to get
everyone to like you. You’re almost as bad as Craig. I’ve got news for you, kiddo. You can’t be friends
with everybody, especially not the people you work with. So don’t come in here and act like a martyr
when things don’t go your way. AND STOP giving everybody cutesy nick names! Why the hell am I
pound cake?
MS. AIMS
(clearly angry) I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you look like you pound down an exorbitant amount of
cake!
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Fuck you!
MR. JACK
Alright, I think we need to stop. Can we please get out of here? I just want to leave this room.
MS. AIMS
Ah, let’s not forget the “cool, hip, Current Events teaching Mr. Jack!”
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
“Mr. Norton was my father, guys. Just call me Mr. Jack!”
MR. REAGAN
Mr. I’m not going to tell Mr. Reagan when our improv team is meeting even though he sent 3 emails and
left 5 Facebook messages that I never responded to, but I’ve been on Facebook at least 20 times since
those messages were sent because Mr. Reagan watched the chat feed and saw the little green “available”
dot was next to my name for a long periods of time, once for like 2 hours, so I could have easily at least
responded…
MS. AIMS
(quietly to MR. REAGAN) You need to stop right now. You’re the only one who looks bad in this
scenario.
MR. REAGAN
Ok.
MR. BERNARD
Well, I still like the kid. I think he’s a good kid.
MS. AIMS
You would, Mr. Bernard. Anything to make you feel younger. And that IS why I call you Old Spice.
Because you’re OLD, and not because of your deodorant, which I admit is pungent and effective.
MR. JACK
You guys, I’ve done nothing wro-
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
SHUT UP!!
The group descends into a cacophony of screaming and bickering. MRS STRACK takes her cue to slowly
walk toward the basket of cookies. She picks up the basket and moves toward the center. The teachers
begin to notice what she is doing and gradually stop talking. Once MRS STACK reaches the center of the
room, she stops and is silent for a beat. She then lifts the basket over her head and dumps the cookies out
onto the floor. Everyone gasps as if she had just snapped a kitten’s neck.
MR. REAGAN
YOU MONSTER!!!
MS. AIMS
What’s gotten into you, Chica?
MRS. STRACK
You know, I’ve been a teacher for 53 years. I started back when I was Jack’s age. That’s nearly three
generations of kids. What has surprised me the most about this job is how little the kids have changed
over the years. Yes, the fashion, the gadgets they carry around with them, the haircuts—those have all
changed. But adolescence is the same as it’s always been, even if it comes in a different wrapper. Mr.
Bernard, I have had so many Dominics in my time here that I’ve come to accept it as a hazard of the job.
Things aren’t any worse than they were when you started 30 years ago, and you know it. Some rich kids
are going to act like dicks. Tale as old as time.
MRS. STRACK continues to speak. Everyone except MR. JACK, who seems disturbed for some reason,
listens attentively. It’s almost as if she is giving a lecture to a class.
MRS. STRACK
School Boards. Unfortunately, they don’t change much either. Ms. Aims, you’re going to be engaging in
battle with them for the rest of your career. But you’re intelligent, and you’re relentless. I know you’re
going to be fine. I think where we’re running into trouble here, my fellow Shapers of America’s Future, is
a third aspect that also--much to my dismay--never changes. And that aspect is (lifts hands indicating
them) your fellow Shapers of America’s Future. The teachers, your co-workers, they also never change.
Now I’m not blind to the fact that the concerns you’ve all brought to the table today are very real
concerns, and certainly a major strain on our profession and on us in general. Obviously, we can’t take
our grief out on the students because we’re supposed to be nurturers, not punishers. We can’t take it out
on the higher ups because they cut the checks, meager as they are. So, we take it out on each other.
Because that’s all that’s left. We’ve all worked with one another long enough to pick up on all the foibles,
flaws and eccentricities that make us human beings, and then we channel all of our work-related or
personal rage into attacking each other, using those aforementioned quirks as the scape-goat when in
actuality, they have nothing to do with why we’re so fucking angry. Soon the minor annoyances we have
with each other, and the actual reasons for our grief become interchangeable, so that we end up hating
each other. This is the worst possible thing we can do. We should be fighting our battles in solidarity.
Together. As a team. Because that’s what we are. Mrs. Domjanovich. You have been entirely too hard on
Ms. Aims. I shouldn’t have to remind you how difficult it is to prove yourself in a position of power when
you’re a woman. Even today. You do everything you can to get your people on your side without
compromising your integrity and I feel Ms. Aims has done an admiral job. At the same token, Ms. Aims;
seriously. Stop with the nicknames. It’s very off-putting. (indicating DOMJANOVICH) This is not Pound
Cake, and her size has nothing to do with her capacity as an educator. Her name is Mrs. Domjanovich,
and I’d like you to shake her hand.
MS. AIMS goes to do so.
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Peggy. Actually. (takes her hand)
MS. AIMS
Charlotte.
MRS. STRACK
(Taking AIMS hand) And I’m not Chica. Chica is a Spanish word for “girl”, and I’m not a young girl
anymore. I’m an old, seasoned veteran of this school named Rosa Strack. (They shake hands. Then, to
MR. REAGAN) Craig.
MR. REAGAN
Yes ma’am.
MRS. STRACK
Stop being a tool.
MR. REAGAN
Gotcha.
MRS. STRACK
(to MR. BERNARD) Vincent. Craig might act like a tool at times, but he’s right about trying to keep up
an interest in something that isn’t teaching. Myself, I truly love being a teacher. I’ve never once regretted
my decision to become one. I’ve still got to make time for other activities, though. Activities I enjoy.
Otherwise I’d blow my own brains out. You were never in “Up With People,” but that doesn’t mean you
couldn’t take a singing lesson. I’m sure Peggy would be willing to oblige.
MR. BERNARD looks at MRS. DOMJANOVICH. They smile.
MRS. STRACK
And now we come to the problem at hand. When you all came to me to be apart of these little “stress
management meetings”, I agreed, mostly because I don’t have a chance to hit the bags as much these days
and I thought it’d be a good way to get some sparring in. And there’s always been a need for something to
help us blow off steam, what with the high-stress that comes along with this job. A fight club is a little
more extreme than what I’m used to. I mean, in the old days we used to just go to the bar or organize a
softball outing or something. But again. It’s just a different wrapper. A different, much bloodier wrapper.
However, I think we’ve let these fights get too personal. We’re letting those annoyances we have for each
other drive the anger, and not what brought us here in the first place. We are not supposed to hate each
other because we’re all in the same boat. I think we should stop having the fights. (Pause) Right after we
settle this…last thing.
MRS. STRACK looks directly at MR. JACK. He appears calm, but under the surface we can tell he is
rocked to his core.
MR. JACK.
Why are you staring at me? What last thing?
MRS. STRACK
Isn’t there something you’d like to say to me?
MR. JACK
No.
MRS. STRACK
Isn’t there something you’d like to do to me?
MR. JACK
No. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
MR. REAGAN
Is this what I think it is?
MRS. STRACK
It just might be, Craig.
MR. REAGAN
You guys are having sex?
MRS. STRACK
What!? No! Jack has a grudge against me. And I think he’s had it for a long time.
MR. JACK
I absolutely do not hold a grudge against you.
MRS. STRACK
Oh no? Why did it take you so long to get here? You said you were late because the cookies had just
come out of the oven. I ate the cookie, Jack. It was stone cold.
MR. JACK
I…I was running really fast to get here. It probably cooled them down.
MR. REAGAN
You are a really fast runner. I’ve always thought so.
MRS. STRACK
As soon as you walked in here, you’ve acted skittish. As if the very idea of entering the room was a form
of torture. You didn’t want to come here at all, did you?
MR. JACK
I…that’s not…
MRS. STRACK
Jack. Just say it. What do you want to do right now?
MR. JACK
(Pause) I want to fight you.
MRS. STRACK
Muy Bien, Juanito. Por que?
MR. JACK
Por que? Por que?! Don’t you remember? I do! I can’t look anywhere without remembering!
MR. JACK starts pointing to different areas throughout the room.
MR. JACK
Right over there. By the pencil sharpener. I was just minding my own business, sharpening my pencil,
BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU DO AT A PENCIL SHARPENER. And what do you say? SILENCIO!
SILENCIO, JUANITO! Or over there. By this wall with this stupid poster of a giraffe reciting the Spanish
alphabet. I’m looking at a fly land on the poster a moment. A brief, tiny little moment. And you sneak up
to my desk like a Latino ninja, and slam my Spanish text book on the desktop. Jaunito! Attencion! This
whole classroom is a giant time-capsule of humiliation. But the worst, most egregious of them all
happened right up there. At the podium. Just looking at it makes me want to vomit. We had all just
finished up one of those awful “write out the phrase in espanol” exams that you tossed at us without
warning. And there was one phrase that was especially difficult. The very last one. “My dinosaur’s pants
are on too tight”
MRS. STRACK
Pantalon de mi dinosaurioMR. JACK
Oh, I know how to say it now! Pantalon de mi dinosaurio son demasiado apretado. I’m never going to
forget. You’ve branded it into my brain forever.
MR. BERNARD
That a common phrase in ole Mexico?
MRS. STRACK
You stick to your methods and I’ll stick to mine.
MR. JACK
You took one look at my answer and you knew, “I’m gonna have to make this kid look like an asshole.” I
could tell, I saw you look at it. It was on the very top of the pile. I didn’t know the answer, so I had just
written a question mark. “Juanito! Frente de clase” you say. So I get up and stand in front of the entire
class. Petrified. Embarrassed. My knees shaking as I await the firing squad. You say, “Jack, I’m going to
say this in English because I know that’s the only possible way you’ll understand. Please tell the class
what your answer for number ten was.” Of course, I don’t want to admit that I had written nada, so I
stutter my way through some sort of made up nonsense that sounded vaguely Spanish. I think I worked
the word Menudo in there. And everyone started laughing. So I started to cry. I cried in front of everyone.
And then, you said it. With all the malice and disgust that you could muster: Puta..
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
What does that mean?
MR. JACK
It means “loser.” She called me a loser in front of the whole class.
MRS. STRACK
It doesn’t mean loser.
MR. JACK
(beat) What?
MRS. STRACK
Puta doesn’t mean “loser.”
MR. JACK
So…this whole time I thought you called me a loser, but you actually didn’t?
MRS. STRACK
No.
MR. JACK
Oh. (beat) Wow, I guess I was wrong.
MRS. STRACK
It means “pussy.”
MR. JACK
(pause) What?
MRS. STRACK
Puta is a slang term for Pussy. One of the very, very many.
MR. JACK
So you called me a pussy in front of the class.
MRS. STRACK
Yes.
MR. JACK
That’s much worse!
MRS. STRACK
You are not wrong.
MR. JACK
And yet, you stand there, lecturing us about how we can’t hurt the students? How we’re nurturers, not
punishers. Tell me, how in the hell was that a nurturing environment?
MR. AIMS
Is that true, Rosa? Did you really call Jack a….Spanish vagina?
MRS. STRACK
(Pause) There are many things that I’ve said and done as teacher that I am extremely proud of. There may
be just as many moments that I wish I could take back. You’ll have those. I’m sure some of you have
already had many. This particular incident is one of those regrettable moments. I was admittedly in a
prickly mood that day. I felt like I wasn’t getting through to anyone in class at the time. And when I saw
that question mark on that test, it was like a slap in the face of all my efforts. So I made an example of
you. And then you started spouting off that gibberish and I got more frustrated. Not just because you were
making a mockery of my livelihood, but because I was aware of your reputation outside of my classroom.
I saw all of those school plays you did. I was at some of your basketball games. An athlete and an artist.
You were multi-faceted. Other teachers talked about how responsible you were, how well you were doing
in their subjects. The other students respected you. You were a young man that everyone looked up to. I
never saw that same effort put forth in my class. I suppose I was always hard on you because of it. But on
this particular day, as you stood there sobbing, I saw who you really were. You weren’t a man at all. You
were a little boy. I still see that little boy in you today, Jack. (beat) So I used that word because I knew a
bunch of freshman Spanish students wouldn’t know it yet, and because it was a satisfying word to use in
the heat of the moment. I am certainly not proud that it happened.
MR. JACK
You never said you were sorry.
MRS. STRACK
No. I didn’t.
MR. JACK
(Pause) Ok. Let’s fight.
MRS. AIMS
No, Jack.
MR. JACK
What? This is probably the last fight we ever have! Don’t you want to pull out all the stops for the finale?
MRS. AIMS
Jack, you know very well that the only real rule we have is that the women don’t fight the men.
MRS. STRACK
It’s alright. I’ll fight. I’m done waiting now.
MRS. AIMS
God help us all!
MRS. STRACK and MR. JACK enter the center of the room. They prepare for battle. Finally:
MRS. STRACK
Let’s throw down, chico.
There is a murmur from the other teacher. Their reaction is not as raucous this time, as the circumstances
are unfamiliar. After a lot of circling one another, MR. JACK makes the first move. He is more eager,
where as MRS. STRACK is a cool customer. MR. JACK throws a punch which MRS. STRACK easily
avoids. She grabs JACK’s wrist with one hand and twists it. JACK is paralyzed by pain. STRACK then
elbow him in the face, which knocks him down. She allows him to get back up. He attempts to punch
again. She ducks and punches him in the gut. This causes him to bend over. She brings up her leg and
knees him in the face. JACK falls backward into a large potted plant, sending dirt and clay everywhere.
The other teachers react with “ooooo’s.” They watch with great intent, except for MRS.
DOMJANOVICH who takes the opportunity to quickly grab a cookie off the floor before turning her
attention back to the fighters. JACK pushes STRACK up against the black board. She breaks free of his
grip and slams his face into the black board. She then manages to get behind him and continues to ram his
head into the board multiple times.
MRS. STRACK
Uno, dos, tres, quarto, cinco, seis!
MR. JACK stumbles with stars in his eyes. He collapses to the ground. Mrs. Strack stands over him.
MRS. STRACK
(In a rather taunting tone) Aqui, Juanito.
MR. JACK becomes enraged. He stands and charges at her.
MR. JACK
That’s not my name!!!!
JACK socks her in the face and she falls backward.
MR. JACK
Get up! C’mon, get up! Mrs. Strack!
She lies motionless. Everyone stands shell-shocked. Some time passes.
MR. JACK
Mrs. Strack, please get up. DAMMIT! That was so stupid. She was old. She was too old!
Suddenly, Mrs. Strack springs back to life. She kicks JACK’s feet out from under him and he lands on his
back. She then wraps her legs around her neck and begins to squeeze.
MRS. STRACK
You’re too young, niño !
They struggle on the ground and JACK tries to break free from her iron grip. Everyone just watches in
dull horror.
MRS. STRACK
RESPONDER! RESPONDER, CHICO!
MR. JACK
Ahhhh!
MRS. STRACK
RESPONDER, COBARDE!!!
MR. JACK
STOP!
MRS. STRACK
RESPONDER!!!!
MR. JACK
LET GO!!
JACK manages to grab a huge Spanish textbook that is on the floor and slams it on to STRACK’s legs.
This breaks him free. In a flurry of rage, he grabs her leg with both hands and: *SNAP* Everyone then
becomes quiet. STRACK doesn’t scream out. Her face becomes blank. Everyone in the room is silent. It
was the “snap” heard ‘round the world. After some time, MRS. Strack speaks up.
MRS. STRACK
Someone help me up please?
MR. BERNARD rushes to help her up. MRS. DOMJANOVICH walks over to help JACK.
MS. AIMS
Rosa, are you alright?
MRS. STRACK
I’m fine, I’m fine.
MR. JACK
Mrs. Strack, I’m sorry. I’m so, so, sorry!
MRS. STRACK
You have nothing to be sorry about, Jack.
MR. JACK
I just broke your leg!
MRS. STRACK
Yes. You broke my leg. Well done.
MR. JACK
This was completely my fault. I shouldn’t have…
MRS. STRACK
Jack. Not another word. (looks around the room) Everyone. We’re finished here. If you could help clean
up, that would be most appreciated.
MR. BERNARD
Rosa, we should really get you to the emergency room.
MRS. STRACK
Peggy, could you grab the mop and some water from the janitor’s closet?
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
Vincent, is right. We need-
MRS. STRACK
Peggy! Charlotte. Vincent. I’m alright. We need to clean up. You can tend to, Craig. He’s still banged up
worse than I am. Grab the mop and water, bring it back here, and we’ll clean up together. Ok?
After a beat, everyone accepts this. MS. AIMS walks over to MR. REAGAN and takes his arm.
MS. AIMS
Let’s find you a first aid kit, Craig.
MR. REAGAN
You can call me by my nickname. I like my nickname.
MS. AIMS
(smiles) Let’s go, goofy.
They exit.
MR. BERNARD
(to MR. JACK) You got some good punches in there, son. That was impressive. Even though you were
fighting an old lady.
MR. JACK
Thanks Mr. Bernard.
MR. BERNARD and MRS. DOMJANOVICH head for the door.
MRS. DOMJANOVICH
(to MR. BERNARD) So, what does your schedule look like?
They exit. MRS. STRACK picks up a leg from the broken desk. She uses it as a walking stick and
hobbles over to JACK.
MRS. STRACK.
Jack. I’m sorry that I called you a pussy.
MR. JACK
(pause) I forgive you. I’m sorry that I may have permanently crippled you.
MRS. STRACK grabs MR. JACK and embraces him. A moment passes. She then puts her hands on his
face and looks him in the eyes.
MRS. STRACK
Ahora eres un hombre en mis ojos. (This is the only Spanish phrase that is subtitled for the audience: “You are
now a man in my eyes.”)
MRS. STRACK smiles and then hobbles out of the room. MR. JACK stands there for a beat.
MR. JACK
I don’t know what that means.
END OF PLAY