NVR:
from Non Violent Resistance to a
New Vision on Relationships
Mind that Child Conference
22/01/2016
Aims of session
• To introduce NVR: background and strategies
• To show how NVR has developed from an
approach emphasizing behaviour
management to one that builds and
strengthens adult/child relationships
• To explore further through question and
answer/discussion how it could work in
practice within your schools
Background of NVR
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Approach started in Israel 2004 by Haim Omer
Widely used in Europe and USA
Introduced to the UK by Peter Jacob
Groups pioneered by Oxleas CAMHS
NVR UK founded 2012
Haim Omer
Peter Jakob
Elisabeth Heismann
Liz Day
Development of NVR in Southampton
• In Southampton we have been practicing NVR
since 2008 with individual families
• In 2010 we started groups for parents
• We are now about to start our eighth group
• Follow on support groups
• Parent advisors
• Certificated training
Why NVR?
Initially: violence in the home, school and
community settings
Now also used with anxiety and a range of
mental health difficulties, such as OCD, eating
disorders, self-harm
Key concepts
• Adult presence
• Patterns of escalation
– Symmetrical
– Asymmetrical /complementary
• Feelings of helplessness/ ‘blocked care’ as a
parent/ professional
• anxiety
• Blame/ Shame
Prevalent ideas of what is a good
parent/ professional
• Traditional Authority
• Liberal Parenting/ diminished
authority
• New Authority
7
Inspiration for NVR
Gandhi and the salt marches
Martin Luther King and the
Civil Rights movement
Rosa Parks and the
Montgomery bus boycott
NVR Key Concepts
• Non-violence
• Solidarity
• Disobedience
Also
• Being strategic
and
• Focussing on the relationship
A New Vision on Relationships
A nonviolent revolution is … a
programme of transformation of
relationships
Be the change you want to see
New Authority
• Not giving in but not about trying to control
• Authority/ influence through building the
relationship
Nurture and discipline
Resist
Unite
Persist
Repair
First steps
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Look after yourself
De-escalation techniques
Understanding/looking behind the behaviour
Making relational gestures
To build presence and enable resistance
Presence
• Physical (time/space)
• Emotional (self-control and self confidence)
• Cognitive (strategic planning, responsive
rather than reactive, mindful presence, have a
script)
• Social/relational (support network,
collaboration, building the relationship, keep
the conversation open)
Self-compassion (Neff)
– Self kindness (relating kindly to ourselves, flaws
and all)
– Common humanity (focus on shared experience;
acceptance, sameness, connection)
– Mindfulness (able to be with what is in the
present moment)
Why does my child behave like this?
Stress factors:
• within the family?
• within the community?
• within wider society?
• within the child?
Trauma: fight, flight, freeze
Seeing the Behaviour
Balancing the five wells
E.g. Jenny Moseley
Mindfulness techniques
The ‘attitude’ of PACE
• PACE is ‘at the heart of helping children with
trauma and attachment difficulties as well as
being helpful for relationship strengthening
generally’
• ‘Connection before correction’
(Golding and Hughes, 2012)
The PACE approach
(Golding and Hughes, 2012)
Playfulness
Acceptance
Curiosity
Empathy
The Shield against Shame
Unregulated shame > need to defend self
From Golding and Hughes (2012)
Minimise:
It was only a joke!
Blame:
You made me do it!
Lie:
It wasn’t
me!
The more you target the behaviours,
the more the shield will go up
Rage:
It’s so unfair; you’re always
Picking on me!
Resist
Persist
De-escalation strategies
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Strike while the iron’s cold
Rule of one
‘autopilot’ statements
Diversion/humour/offer a way out
Quiet tone/non-threatening body language
Start rather than stop requests
Stay curious ‘I wonder if ...’ rather than ‘why
are you …?’
• Etc.etc.
Resisting the Behaviour
• Not about controlling the behaviour but
resisting it; strength rather than power
• Doing nothing can be doing something
• Respond rather than react
Prioritise: The three baskets
Prioritise the behaviours you will
focus resistance on
Unite
Supporters
• Who will be in your support network?
• What support is needed/ wanted?
• What roles will supporters take?
Repair
Connection before correction
Relational gestures
 Unconditional (it doesn’t matter if there’s no
appreciation or if they’re thrown back)
 Not rewards
 Not linked to the behaviour of the child (do as
many as you can – no limit)
 Small and symbolic (they’re not presents)
 About raising parental presence
 Help to develop/repair the parent/child bond
 Can address unmet needs of the child
Active resistance
The Announcement
• Formulation of problem – specific
• Effect on others and on the child or young person
themselves
• Concerns
• Pledge to resist to best of abilities not using
violence
• Inform that others will be involved
• Positive characterisation of the child
• Aims for family and child
Example Announcement
To our beautiful, bright Minecraft king. You are our
precious son, you mean the world to us.
But life is not always fun for you or for us and we
want to make it better.
We want to help you stop hurting us. We want all
the kicking, hitting, biting , pulling hair and
punching to stop.
We know tht life would be so much happier without
all this violence in our life.
So let’s work together as a family and make the
violence a thing of the past.
We love you with all our hearts.
Next steps
• Support network
• Active resistance
– Message campaign
– Sit-ins
– Tailing
– Work with siblings/ peers
Message format
• Knowing: I heard you hit your mother last
night
• Opinion: that’s not right
• Non-shaming: I care about you and your mum.
You are still a good person and I am here to
help you so just let me know
Appreciation message
• Knowing: I noticed you helped with cleaning
up the house
• Opinion: you did an awesome job
• Non-shaming: I hope you don’t mind me
saying that – I just wanted to let you know
what you did is appreciated
Raising presence through the sit-in
• An intensive way of manifesting presence in
response to the occurrence of targeted behaviours
(active resistance)
• Not a punishment (the success criterion is the
behaviour of the adults not the child.)
• Tightens the network
• Message of support for the child
• Conveys message ‘we are here, we are taking action,
we are not alone’
Three levels of vigilant care
Open attention
• No concerns
• Everyday strategies
• Watching brief
Focussed attention
• On alert
• Concerns arising
• Openness about
concerns
• Mini-announcements
• Increased presence
Specific NVR intervention
• Focussed attention has
not brought about
change
• NVR to target the
behaviours
• Announcement
• Mobilisation of support
Running alongside all the way
De-escalation
Relational gestures
References and resources
Golding, K S (2008) Nurturing Attachments:
Supporting Children who are Fostered or Adopted,
Jessica Kingsley Publishers
Golding K S & Hughes D A (2012) Creating Loving
Attachments: Parenting with PACE to Nurture
Confidence and Security in the Troubled Child,
Jessica Kingsley Publishers
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: Stop beating
yourself up and leave insecurity behind. New York:
William Morrow
www.selfcompassion.org – many resources
including online self compassion test!
Omer, H. (2004) Nonviolent resistance: A new
approach to self-destructive and violent children.
Cambridge: CUP
Omer, H. (2011)The New Authority: Family, school
and community. Cambridge: CUP
www.newauthority.net
Thank you!
margaret.smith@southampton.gov.uk