The Angry Learner Conference
23.01.15
NVR
(Non-Violent Resistance/New
Authority)
in the school setting
Margaret Smith & Denise Wilson, BRS
Southampton
Aims of session
• To introduce the NVR approach:
background, how it differs from other
approaches to managing challenging
behavior, overview of its specific strategies
• To explain how NVR is used in schools
• To explore further through question and
answer/discussion how it could work in
practice within your schools
Development of NVR in
Southampton
• In Southampton we have been practicing
NVR since 2008 with individual families
• In 2010 we started groups for parents
• We are now about to start our eighth
group
• Follow on support groups
• Parent advisors
• Certificated training
Background of NVR
•
•
•
•
•
Approach started in Israel 2004 by Haim Omer
Widely used in Europe and USA
Introduced to the UK by Peter Jacob
Groups pioneered by Oxleas CAMHS
NVR UK 2012
Haim Omer
Peter Jakob
Elisabeth Heismann
Liz Day
Why NVR? Violence in the
home and in the community
Violence in the school setting
Lack of parental/ professional
presence
• Patterns of escalation
– Symmetrical
– Asymmetrical /complementary
• Feelings of helplessness/ ‘blocked care’ as
a parent/ professional
• Blame/ Shame
Ideas of how to be a good
parent
• Traditional Authority
• Liberal Parenting
• New Authority
8
Inspiration for NVR
Gandhi and the salt marches
Martin Luther King and the
Civil Rights movement
Rosa Parks and the
Montgomery bus boycott
NVR Key Concepts
• Non-violence
• Solidarity
• Disobedience
Also
• Being strategic
• Focussing on the relationship
A New Vision on Relationships
A nonviolent revolution is … a
programme of transformation of
relationships
Nonviolence is not a weapon of
the weak. It is a weapon of the
strongest and the bravest
New Authority
•
•
•
•
•
Not about giving in
Not about trying to control
Vigilant care
De-escalation
Authority/ influence through building the
relationship
What is ‘New Authority?’
Old authority
Lack of authority New authority
distance
Too close/ chummy
presence
Control
Giving in
Self control
Coercion
Permissiveness
Influence
Obedience (child)
Obedience (adult)
relationship
Power
Weakness
strength
punishment
No consequence
Resistance and
restoration
What I want
What you want
What is right/needed
(vigilant care)
urgency
Laissez-faire
persistence
Act now (reactive)
Don’t act (ignore)
Chose your time to act
(responsive)
Individual effectiveness
Individual ineffectiveness Shared responsibility,
networks, mutual support
The two hands of parenting
(and teaching)
Nurture and discipline
Presence
• Physical (time/space)
• Emotional (self-control and self
confidence)
• Cognitive (strategic planning, responsive
rather than reactive, mindful presence,
have a script)
• Social/relational (support network,
collaboration, building the relationship,
keep the conversation open)
Resist
Unite
Persist
Repair
Why does my child behave like
this?
Stress factors:
• within the family?
• within the community?
• within wider society?
• within the child?
Trauma
• Fight
• Flight
• Freeze
The traumatized child as a
perpetrator of violence?
•
The traumatized child can develop post-traumatic aggression.
•
A parentified child can become the parent’s punitive parent.
•
The traumatized child uses control as a strategy to make uncertain
relationships predictable.
•
•
The traumatized child has a negative self-representation
Greater challenge for parents who are experiencing (or who have
experienced) domestic violence to maintain parental presence
•
Parents re-traumatised by anger in their child
•
Learned helplessness and depression
•
Self-medication with drugs and/or alcohol
•
Secondary trauma
20
Seeing the Behaviour
The unmet needs behind it
First steps
• Look after yourself
• De-escalation techniques
• Understanding/looking behind the
behaviour
• Making relational gestures
To build presence and enable resistance
Looking after yourself
(Other crumbly, flaky chocolate bars are available)
Balancing the five wells
E.g. Jenny Moseley
Mindfulness techniques
Self-compassion (Neff)
– Self kindness (relating kindly to ourselves,
flaws and all)
– Common humanity (focus on shared
experience; acceptance, sameness,
connection)
– Mindfulness (able to be with what is in the
present moment)
The PACE approach
(Golding and Hughes, 2012)
Playfulness
Acceptance
Curiosity
Empathy
The ‘attitude’ of PACE
• PACE is ‘at the heart of helping children
with trauma and attachment difficulties as
well as being helpful for relationship
strengthening generally’
• ‘Connection before correction’
(Golding and Hughes, 2012)
The Shield against Shame
Unregulated shame > need to defend self
From Golding and Hughes (2012)
Minimise:
It was only a joke!
Blame:
You made me do it!
Lie:
It wasn’t
me!
The more you target the behaviours,
the more the shield will go up
Rage:
It’s so unfair; you’re always
Picking on me!
Resist
De-escalation strategies
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Strike while the iron’s cold
Rule of one
‘autopilot’ statements
Diversion/humour/offer a way out
Quiet tone/non-threatening body language
Start rather than stop requests
Stay curious ‘I wonder if ...’ rather than
‘why are you …?’
• Etc.etc.
Resisting the Behaviour
• Not about controlling the behaviour but
resisting it; strength rather than power
• Doing nothing can be doing something
• Respond rather than react
• Prioritise the behaviours you will focus
resistance on
The three baskets
Persist
Parental Presence
• Look after yourself
• Reclaim (new) authority
• Separate your behaviour from the child’s
(response, not reaction: be strategic)
• Openness/ transparency
• Enlist/muster support network
Unite
Supporters
• Who will be in your support network?
• What support is needed/ wanted?
• What roles will supporters take?
Repair
Relational gestures
 Unconditional (it doesn’t matter if there’s no
appreciation or if they’re thrown back)
 Not rewards
 Not linked to the behaviour of the child (do as
many as you can – no limit)
 Small and symbolic (they’re not presents)
 About raising parental presence
 Help to develop/repair the parent/child bond
 Can address unmet needs of the child
The Announcement
• Formulation of problem – specific
• Effect on others and on the child or young
person themselves
• Concerns
• Pledge to resist to best of abilities not using
violence
• Inform that others will be involved
• Positive characterisation of the child
• Aims for family and child
Example Announcement
To our beautiful, bright Minecraft king. You are our
precious son, you mean the world to us.
But life is not always fun for you or for us and we
want to make it better.
We want to help you stop hurting us. We want all
the kicking, hitting, biting , pulling hair and
punching to stop.
We know tht life would be so much happier without
all this violence in our life.
So let’s work together as a family and make the
violence a thing of the past.
We love you with all our hearts.
Next steps
• Support network
• Active resistance
– Message campaign
– Sit-ins
– Tailing
– Work with siblings/ peers
Message format
• Knowing: I heard you hit your mother last
night
• Opinion: that’s not right
• Non-shaming: I care about you and your
mum. You are still a good person and I am
here to help you so just let me know
Appreciation message
• Knowing: I noticed you helped with
cleaning up the house
• Opinion: you did an awesome job
• Non-shaming: I hope you don’t mind me
saying that – I just wanted to let you know
what you did is appreciated
NVR in the school setting:
ideas from Europe
Attitudes,
values,
ethos
Self-control,
deescalation
Openness,
transpareny
New Authority/
Presence
Resistance,
persistence
Support
networks,
connections
Relational
gestures,
restoration
Presence in the classroom
(reprise)
• Physical (time/space)
• Emotional (self-control and self
confidence)
• Cognitive (strategic planning, responsive
rather than reactive, mindful presence,
have a script)
• Social/relational (support network,
collaboration, building the relationship,
keep the conversation open)
Connection before correction
Three levels of vigilant care
Open attention
• No concerns
• Everyday
strategies
• Watching brief
Focussed attention
• On alert
• Concerns arising
• Openness about
concerns
• Miniannouncements
• Increased
presence
Specific NVR intervention
• Focussed attention
has not brought
about change
• NVR to target the
behaviours
• Announcement
• Mobilisation of
support
Running alongside all the way
De-escalation
Relational gestures
Thank you!
We welcome your thoughts and
questions!
margaret.smith@southampton.gov.uk
denise.wilson@southampton.gov.uk