Dealing with Emotions in the
Workplace
William Ashton, Ph.D.
Disclaimer
The content of this workshop is based upon
sound psychological research. However, I
cannot guarantee that the procedures
presented will work in every situation. The
political and organizational context you will
be working in will have a profound effect
upon the usefulness of the following
material.
Some Definitions
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Conflict
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Emotion
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a Mixed-Motive Situation
I want one thing and you want it too
a psychological state caused by both
physiological and cognitive processes
Frustration-Aggression Hypothesis
“Party” & “Other”
Goals of this Workshop
Understand the importance of dealing with
emotional behavior so that attention can be
refocused on positive & productive effort.
 Identify ways to handle your own reaction
to another’s emotional behavior
 Learn when to allow someone to ventilate
or to cool-down
 Learn basic conflict resolution skills
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Don’t Sweep It Under a Rug!
Change is opportunity and danger
 Avoidance is Bad
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Poor organizational functioning
Increased job stress
Conflict is Good
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New information
New procedures
Staff Changes
Son of
Don’t Sweep It Under a Rug!
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Anger is good
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Anger is a natural human emotion
Anger is a symptom which can alert you to an
important underlying cause
Use anger as a signal: Look for its cause
Why Avoid?
Lack of Conflict Resolution Skills
 Corporate Culture
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Does your culture encourage open discussion or
frown upon open conflict?
Personal Style
 Personal History
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Personal Style
Conflict Styles
 Ignore conflict/feelings
 Soothe feelings
 Explore conflict and possibilities
 Appeal to Authority
 Ignore feelings focus upon facts
 Hypersensitive/over-responsive to conflict
 Assert self as final arbitrator
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Personal History
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What is your personal history with conflict?
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How did your parents handle conflict (with
each other and with you)?
How did you handle conflict as a child?
How do you handle conflict with your
significant others (spouse/children)?
How do you handle conflict at work?
What is your orientation towards conflict?
Dealing Effectively with your Response to
Another's Emotions
Reflect upon your Conflict Style
 Control Stress Reaction
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Fight or Flight Response
Secret Breath
Personal Space
Escape Pod
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“I’m surprised that you feel this way and I’m a
little taken aback right now, can we talk about
this at 3:30 today?”
To Ventilate or Not to Ventilate
… that is the question
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Good Times to Ventilate
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When the target is not present
Whey you are not the target
When you do not know what is going on or the
party’s viewpoint
When the party is upset and you feel that
talking it out will help
To Ventilate or Not to Ventilate
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When Not to Ventilate
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When there is not enough time
When you are upset
When the party and target are upset and
uninterested in talking
 Yelling
Match
 Name Calling
Ventilation
Allows for parties to voice their concerns
and feelings
 Provides both parties with information
regarding the other’s viewpoint
 It provides an emotional release which
paradoxically calms down the system
 It creates an atmosphere for problem
solving
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Ventilation Skills
Acknowledge & support the emotional
behavior
 Set up ground rules
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“I’ll give party 5 minutes to tell me their story
and then other 5 minutes to tell me their story.
Please don’t interrupt. Everybody will have
their chance.”
Use Listening Skills
Cooling Down Period
Speak softly and calmly (quietly)
 Acknowledge & support the emotional
behavior
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“You seem upset. I can see that this issue is
very important to you.”
“You are quiet and are not responding to my
questions. I can tell that this is upsetting you.”
More on the
Cooling Down Period
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Describe the effect of the emotional
behavior
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“When you refuse to respond to my questions,
it’s difficult for me to help you.”
“You are speaking so loudly that I am
beginning to feel attacked. I’m not able to help
you when I feel this way.”
“Slamming things on you desk is disrupting the
office.”
Even More on the
Cooling Down Period
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Your Back Up Phrase
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“This behavior is inappropriate behavior for
the office.”
Negotiate a cooling down period
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Give parties something to do - write out story
Set definite time & agenda
 “At
4:30 we will get together to talk about this
problem and I’ll listen to both of your concerns.”
Son of the
Cooling Down Period
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Offer reassurance and support
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“You are both very upset right not and you both
have a good reason to be. However, now is not
the right time to try to solve this problem.
We’ll discuss this at 3:30.”
If you are the target, arrange to have a thirdparty at the meeting
Conflict Resolution
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The Setting
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Privacy & free from interruptions
Right length of time
Ground Rules
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focus upon the problem, not the person
no attacks (name calling, yelling)
don’t bring up the past
take responsibility for you actions
Conflict Resolution:
Information Gathering
1. Party tells their side of the story and how
they feel using “I” messages
2. Other retells party’s side of the story. Then
they may question for better understanding.
3. Other tells their side of the story and how
they feel using “I” messages.
4. Party retells other’s side of the story. Then
they may question for better understanding.
Information Gathering:
An Example
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Party: “Accounting is full of a-holes. Our hands are tied -every time we ask them for a P.O. it takes them five days
to get it to us.”
Mediator: “Remember our ground rules, no name calling.
Can you restate what you said as an “I” statement?”
Party: “Okay. When accounting takes five days to get us a
P.O. I feel angry because the departments are yelling at us
for their supplies. I want accounting to be faster with the
P.O.s”
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Mediator: “Okay, I can see how upsetting that situation
can be and you have the right to be angry. Other, could you
restate party’s story?”
Other: “It’s not our fault, they always forget the supplier’s
code and FEIN # and we have to look it up.”
Mediator: “Remember our ground rules. You first have to
restate party's story. Then we’ll hear yours.”
Other: “Okay. Party said that when we take five days to do
a P.O. they get upset because the department are mad at
them for supplies. He wants us to be faster. Okay?”
Mediator: “Yes, thank you. Now, can you describe your
side with an “I” statement?”
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Other: “When party submits a P.O. without a supplier s
code or FEIN #, we have to look it up. We get upset at that
because it slows us down. I want everyone here to
remember to put down their supplier code and FIEN #s.”
Mediator: “Thank you for working with the process. Now,
party can you retell other s story?”
Party: “Other said that when we submit a P.O. without a
supplier s code or FEIN # they have to look it up. They get
upset because it slows them down. They wish that we
would remember to put down the code and FEIN #.”
Conflict Resolution:
Options
5. Both parties come to an agreement to the
nature of the problem.
6. Both parties brainstorm possible solutions
to the problem.
7. Both parties agree to a solution.
8. If no agreement, find a best alternative
given no agreement.
Options:
An Example
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Mediator: “Okay, what’s the problem here?”
Party: “You mean that those blanks on the P.O.s are important?”
Other: “Yep. We can’t submit the P.O.s to accounting without it
-- they get sent back.”
Party: “I didn’t know that. Most of the time we have the
information. We’re just too busy to put it down.”
Other: “Somebody has to. We either have to call you,
accounting or the vendor to get the info.”
Party: “From now on we’ll enter the information when we have
it.”
Neat Negotiation Tricks
Separate Demands from Interests
 Nonspecific Compensation
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Expanding the Pie
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party compensates other in some other way
increasing the available resources
Logrolling
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trade off important issues for unimportant
issues
Workplace Violence
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What is workplace violence?
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Harassment
Intimidation
Threats
Domestic partners brining domestic disputes
into the workplace.
Warning Signs of
Workplace Violence
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Slot-movement
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neat appearance
punctual
gregarious
messy appearance
always late
withdrawn
General Warning Signs
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Reduced productivity
inconsistent work quality
strained co-worker relations
safety violations
depression
frequently blaming others
What to Do?
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Some researchers feel that there is no
typical profile of an employee prone to
workplace violence
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any worker is likely to become violent
However, research shows that warning signs
are present in two-thirds of episodes
Your Company’s (re)Action
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Be proactive!!! (be proactive!!!)
Develop a Human Resource policy regarding
employees who are showing warning signs
Develop your policy with a human resource
professional and an attorney
Have counselor on call
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Referral to counselor must not be seen as a
punishment
(another)Word to the Wise
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The U.S. Office of Personnel Management,
the federal government’s human resources
agency, instructs employers to have advance
planning for workplace violence issues,
stating, The likelihood of a successful
resolution is much greater if you have
prepared ahead of time.
Thank You!
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Happy Conflict Resolution!
Rights of Use for This Material
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Some trainers are very protective of their materials –
they’re afraid that they’re giving away their business. I
feel that freely distributing information like this is just
good advertising for a trainer or consultant. So please use
my material as you see fit; with the provision that you, in
print, reference me. Please use the following information –
in full:
William Ashton, Ph.D.
The City University of New York, York College
Department of Political Science and Psychology
www.york.cuny.edu/~washton