Alcoholism and Brentwood
Disrespect (Contempt)
83
Each person has an instinctive radar that tells us: “I will not allow
disrespect shown to me.” Those close to us, whether our parents, our spouses or
our children might tolerate our disrespect for a certain amount of time but
eventually they would say: “No way. I have been defiled enough. I’m not taking
anymore of your abuse.” They become fed-up.
Family members should not degrade themselves and fall prey to the
rudeness, sarcasm and abuse of an alcoholic. They do not have to endure the
insults, the lack of appreciation, the embarrassment and the false promises. They
must refuse to be treated as impersonal objects, being taken for granted, being
falsely accused or being constantly “put down”. Thoughtless and insensitive acts,
as well as cutting and derogatory remarks, over a period of time take their toll.
These things cut deeply into the human psyche and result in almost unforgivable
pain, hostility and resentment. Family members are left paralyzed as if stricken
by a devastating tornado. The resulting tension, pressure and turmoil leaves
them immobile.
84
To deliberately use people rather than love them is total disrespect. To
dominate people and to force them to act against their will is cruel, disrespectful
and unjust. It is necessary to respect the dignity and freedom of others. We
have to have a deep respect for the rights, attitudes, beliefs, feelings and
sensitivity of others as we do for our own. Too often we attempt to mold people
into our own image and likeness. We force them to be something they are not
for the sake our own selfish convenience. In a ruthless and relentless manner,
we manipulate, criticize and impose guilt on others and then we expect that they
follow our every whim and fancy.
We can indeed help other people to change but it has to be at their own
pace and they have to be open and willing to change. Our story as alcoholics
points out that we were ill-treated in our youth with disrespect and in retaliation
we disrespected ourselves and others. We ended up punishing both ourselves
and the people we should have loved.
The disease of alcoholism causes us to be closed to the genuine care of
parents, spouses, children and close relatives. We showed them nothing but
disrespect. We misinterpret their genuine care and concern as a “put down” or
as a disregard. We cannot find it within ourselves to trust that they sincerely
have our welfare in mind. When people do not seem to recognize us or approve
of our attitudes and actions, we instantly jump to the false conclusion that it
stems from disrespect. If their opinion is different from ours, we immediately, yet
silently accuse them of disrespect. Often, we did not have the courage to
express our feelings or our views. Instead we closed up and kept things bottled
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Alcoholism and Brentwood
up inside, much like a volcano. We chose to go it alone, by ourselves, because
we simply could not trust others.
We know inside the things which hurt us, which upset and disturb us.
These are quite clear to us. What is not so clear are the countless hurts and
calamities we unjustly impose on our families. We refuse to respect their
opinions and feelings. We treat them with indifference, disdain and outright
contempt. Our contempt towards others is undoubtedly the most wretched
insult that we can inflict upon their dignity. We actually treat them as if they
were “nobodies”. We deal with them as if they do not even exist. We make them
feel as if they have no right to their own values, their own thinking and their own
feelings. If they say or do anything which is not in agreement with the way we
see things, we make them feel cheap. We strip them of their dignity, their selfworth and their self-respect. Having had none of our own, we cannot bear to
allow them to have anything more than what we have. What we have is turmoil.
We live tortured lives and we are not satisfied unless we can terrorize and offend
other people.
85
We live and breathe contempt. We live in complete and utter selfishness
twenty-four hours a day. As a result, we drain the lives of others and become a
heavy burden and a dangerous liability to them.
Speech was given to us as a means of communicating, a means of
expressing our feelings and emotions. It was intended so that we could relate
and share our joy and gratitude as well as our sorrow and disappointments. To
be unable to speak and express ourselves is tragic, but to use it in order to put
down others is to abuse it.
For us to express scorn, hatred, jealousy, open hostility, ridicule and
blame is to destroy ourselves as well as to damage others beyond repair. For a
person to be battered verbally by an unbridled tongue can, in some ways, be
more harmful than physical abuse. For example, it is extremely painful to be
called “stupid”, “useless” and a “slob”. These derogatory remarks are abrasive,
insulting and infectious. These are products of a ravaging tongue and stem from
an empty and deprived heart. Our heart is either filled with love and open to
caring and sharing or it is hard and harsh and lashes out at people in hatred and
revenge.
86
We have all experienced how silence, like speech, can communicate the
depth of our being, the deepest emotions of the heart. In a negative way, it can
communicate bitterness, scorn, indifference, anger and self-pity. But silence also
can, in a positive vein, communicate patience, understanding and acceptance.
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Alcoholism and Brentwood
Within the first hour at Brentwood we experience genuine care and
understanding from others, the residents, the staff and the fellowship. Their
unconditional acceptance and their complete sense of trust in revealing to us
their own sordid lies and the hurts they caused their own families, helps us to
trust and to share our own strength. We begin to experience our own worth
because they trust us and we suddenly like what this happening. No matter what
we have done in the past, no matter how damaging our past actions have been,
we feel a deep sense of their care and concern. In gratitude we begin, one day
at a time and person by person to practice respect and concern for others on the
program. This atmosphere of respect permeates Brentwood twenty-four hours a
day. It is the very opposite of the contemptible lives we lived in the past for
years. Here at Brentwood we learn the ability from one another to give and
receive respect. In return we can now give and receive respect from our parents,
spouse, children, brothers and sisters.
Do I Want Another Way of Life?
It takes trust and faith in the fellowship for perseverance to occur. Before,
we believed that our pain was caused by others. We figured we had to “go it
alone”. The more isolated we became the more our distrust and insecurity
increased.
As a result, by the time I come to Brentwood, I am plagued with all kinds
of questions and weighed down with a mixture of emotions. As an alcoholic I ask
myself:
How far should I go with this program? Will I like it? Is it
worth the time and effort? Can I let down my guard? Will I be
looked upon as a “wimp” or a “sissy”? Do I want another way of life?
Am I satisfied with life as it is? Do I want more than what I have
now or what I had in the past? Am I willing to make the effort to
have what the alumni have? And if I am willing, am I prepared to
have no illusions about my efforts toward recovery?
87
In a period of ninety days, six months and one year, we can expect a real
struggle as we wrestle with our sobriety and spiritual recovery. We may get
discouraged because we do not notice many big changes. It will take two or
three ears of hard work to start feeling comfortable with this new way of life. At
Brentwood we are in “spiritual training”, as it were, and this calls for the spirit of
self-discipline day by day. There is no easy way out and there is no magic
solution.
Recovery is made easier at Brentwood because we are not alone. We
experience something here, whether it is a fact that strikes us or a reality we had
not recognized before, and this makes the big difference for us. Here we become,
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Alcoholism and Brentwood
from the first hours, part of a fellowship which believes and trusts in this new
way of life. We are exposed to.
•
•
•
•
•
•
People who understand where we are at and who give us the
encouragement we need,
People like ourselves who were themselves filled with fear and
uncertainty and who now have a security and confidence about
themselves,
People who have exactly what we need – someone stronger than
ourselves,
People who have more trust and have their lives together,
People who are more solid and grounded than we are, and
People who have a better foundation, a better direction, a better
purpose and a better meaning to their lives.
The Brentwood fellowship becomes our security and impetus for more
nurturance. It is a fellowship which has the faith, trust, courage and conviction
about the spiritual principles of recovery. We now have a confidence and
certitude about what is the right way. We are no longer wishy-washy. We are no
longer deceptively apologetic or full of faulty compromises.
88
about.
Here at Brentwood, we sense an almost absolute assurance of what life is
Developing as a person is a lifetime process for everyone. Each of us has
more potential than we realize, and we sell ourselves short if we “con” ourselves
into believing that we “have arrived”, that we are completely satisfied with our
lives and that we do not have to grow anymore. God tells us what life is all about
in the little child who is completely open, who is intrigued and absorbed by the
world, and wants to discover more and more about it.
My continued efforts to grow and to become more complete and more
fully alive is evidence not only that I treasure myself but that I have the capacity
to love others more. I can extend my love for others because I have a great
depth of life to offer them. The extent to which I allow other people to grow and
the more I encourage them to expand their own potential, the more I prove my
deep and abiding love for them. The more I give, the more I receive.
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Alcoholism and Brentwood
Section Two
89
Enthusiasm
We here at Brentwood can delight in a genuine sense of family and the
renewal and strengthening of friendship and fellowship.
The person without spirit and enthusiasm is somewhat like a robot or
machine devoid of feeling and emotion. Such a sordid individual has given into
indifference, apathy, boredom and monotony. As alcoholics, we are lacking in
warmth and laughter. We become “deadbeats”, pessimist and chronic
complainers. We put a damper on everything and everyone around us very much
like a wet blanket. To be young and practically dead is a very tragic occurrence.
We have a drive to pursue our wants. This is what we at Brentwood call
“self-will”, to go discriminately where we want, do exactly what we want and
with whomever we want. We became obsessed with greediness – everything for
self. With such rigidity in our lives we became overly-demanding and we
expected that everything should go totally our way. When things did not work
out to our liking we became disillusioned and subsequently depressed.
90
Here at Brentwood we are shown how to become qualified to enjoy life
and to come alive again. We are told repeatedly that people need people to be
happy and spirited. We come alive first by our being “absorbed in” and
“concerned for” the needs of others and their interests, and secondly, by
allowing others to meet our needs. Only if the heart is open to people, will we
understand through experience the secret of life and the secret of living. If the
heart is open, we can be turned on by what is meaningful to our spouses, our
parents and our children. We will know when we are making progress in our
enthusiasm for life when we have fun being around people.
Enthusiasm 1
It is natural for two and three-year olds to be spirited, to be eager, full of
discovery and joy. The young child is open to the sense of touch, smell, and
sight. She wants to explore and touch everything. She wants to touch a
porcupine or to taste cat food. The child is naturally exuberant, absorbent and
smiling. The child is able to laugh at life and her experiences. A feeling of
spiritedness and enthusiasm comes from an inner sense of self-worth.
As alcoholics, unfortunately, by the time we reach the age of eight or nine
years, we have turned sour on life. Life is a bitter pill to swallow. We are full of
complaints, we experience extreme jealousy of others, we are continuously
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Alcoholism and Brentwood
disobedient towards and parents and constantly bickering and fighting with our
brothers and sisters. The spirit has gone out of our lives.
From the time we were nineteen or twenty years of age, no one could
honestly say to us that we reflected any positive qualities. No one could say to us:
•
•
•
•
You
You
You
You
make me feel so good.
uplift and energize me.
add zest to my life.
help me to grow into a better person.
91
On the contrary, we were more occupied with complaining, blaming,
accusing, criticizing, stifling, choking and dampening the spirit of other people.
Things became more important to us than people.
In the life and family of an alcoholic, there is no genuine laughter,
happiness or gratitude. This disease infects and kills the spirit. To have spirit is to
have spiritual love. As alcoholics we are filled with insecurity, fear, melancholy
and confusion. In the past we looked for thrills and for adventure in such things
as luxuries, jewelry, cars, motorcycles, booze, drugs and sex. Soon the edge
wore off. Life became dull and monotonous and the day-to-day work involved in
living became burdensome.
Even holidays became a drain. We would complain about the cost of a trip,
the terrible traffic, the huge crowds, or the miserable mosquitoes. It all boiled
down to the fact that the alcoholic had nothing to look forward to and everything
became a pain and a struggle. Life and events were simply unbearable.
When we are feeding only on our lower appetites, whether it be booze,
drugs or sex, we soon reach a dead end, a no-win situation. In the past, no one
could feel our emptiness and nothing had any meaning for us.
God tells us that the way to happiness is through other people. At
Brentwood I learn that it was just my defects that took the life out of me. I was
obsessed with fear, jealousy, lust and greed. All these things pushed people out
of my life.
92
We drained life out of others. Even when we first entered Brentwood, we
“conned” ourselves into believing that the Brentwood spirit was just another
“scam”. We are now motivated at Brentwood to want to get in on the action. We
want a piece of this richness and enthusiasm.
The spiritual experience can only happen between me and the people
whom God puts into my life each day. It has to happen now with the people who
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Alcoholism and Brentwood
are with us on program. I have to put as much energy into the fundamental
belief that I need people in my life and I have to direct as much energy into
doing this as I had invested energy in self-willing my former pursuits.
This invariable calls us to love. We are people who need people. Left
alone and to our own diminished resources, we shrivel and dry up. To have this
spirit, this vibrance and this enthusiasm, we need love. Today we can be grateful
for this tremendous opportunity of belonging to a group such as the Brentwood
Family. Brentwood is truly a human family which believes in the deep and
abiding need for one another. Indeed, we can believe that people who need
people are the happiest people.
93
Exceptions, Exemptions
As individuals with alcoholic personalities, we were absorbed with a false
aggrandizement. We made ourselves believe that:
•
•
•
•
•
a dominant preoccupation with the self was most important in life,
others had to cater to our every wish and whim,
we had to control people, plans and events to suit our own narrow
perception of reality,
we should be exempted from normal rules and responsibilities, and
that we were above the law and we did not have to respond to the
needs and rights of others.
We said to ourselves: “It’s my life and no one has a right to interfere in
my affairs.” In our folly we were completely blind in respect to the needs, right
and feelings of the other people in our lives.
When others stop paying allegiance or “lip-service” to me because they
have had their fill of my impetuous ways, “I” grumble: “They don’t respect or
care for me. They lack the proper appreciation for a person of my class, caliber
and intelligence.” The result is anger and frustration for all concerned. The family
itself feels the strain and tension as they were in a “pressure cooker” or an
“emotional roller coaster”. And all this occurs because I consider myself superior,
aloof or above the normal. I see myself as an exception. (“I’m exempt from the
normal rules an drudgery of life. In my case it is different. I stand on my own
two feet. I am not your ordinary, average person. Consequently, others have to
accept me and look up to me with my superior status.”)
94
One has to ask perchance: What “special anything” have we done for
others and least of all for ourselves? We recklessly tore our spouses apart with
our vile and wicked tongue. What came out of our mouths was foul, corrupt and
insulting. We maliciously deprived others of their basic freedom. Did our attitude
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Alcoholism and Brentwood
and behavior towards ourselves or others provide us any peace or consolation?
Did we experience any resemblance of love and joy in our lives? No, absolutely
not. Our loved were riddled with turmoil and contempt. We gave the mistaken
notion that we were on top of things and that nothing was ruffled, but that our
lives were not and tidy. Yet deep down within, we knew that we were in trouble.
We knew we could not deny our difficulty and that we were in real “hot water”,
and that our lives were in disarray. Our dilemma was that we did not know what
to do about it. Our lives were at a standstill in terms of figuring out what to do
with our wretched condition.
We finally outsmarted ourselves by realizing that we needed a recovery
program such as Brentwood. Some of us came here humiliated, confused and
feeling a deep sense of loss and failure in terms of life and living. We had
become specialists in terms of pain and misery. Here at Brentwood, we are
confronted with the very opposite of what we thought we were. We are told,
plain and simple, that there are no exceptions to what is needed for life and
living. We are informed that each one of us here has the same disease and that
consequently, the treatment is the same. There are no “cutting corners” which
we too frequently did in the past.
We now have to let go of our distortion of reality. We must humble
ourselves and accept ourselves as we are, not special but ordinary and worthy of
giving and receiving love and respect. This is our calling in life. To care and share.
95
Each of us has to accept the fact that there is no instant “cure” for any of
us. Recovery is not a simplistic process that is achieved all at once. Real growth
and maturity takes time, patience and perseverance. Just as an acorn cannot be
expected to grow into an oak tree overnight, so too, we cannot expect instant
results on our road to recovery. We must realize that a great of damage has
been caused and that nature must take its course and healing has to occur in
due time. When we admit that e are “ordinary alcoholics”, not “special”, then
recovery is possible. In our recovery we will constantly need the other alcoholic
in our lives.
After graduation we must not exempt ourselves from fellowship. The
strength which comes from the fellowship is our enduring support and our
nurturance towards a better way of life. Finally, it becomes a relief for us to
know that by not being special, we can belong. Now we are no longer secluded,
alone and miserable. Now we can experience peace and happiness because we
have entered the human condition with a realistic recognition of our own
imperfections. We are able to make allowance for our own weaknesses and
those of others. We are no longer “exempted” but wholeheartedly “accepted”.
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Alcoholism and Brentwood
Faith
Faith involves an ability to have trust and confidence. It is the acceptance
of rules established by God and by nature for our peace, joy and happiness. We
come to recognize that we had a serious problem with trust and unquestioning
belief. We did not think we had a problem in regard to faith. We did not figure
that it was necessary to believe in anyone or in anything. Our distortion was
based on our inner fear of being “tied down”, of having to make a personal
commitment to life and to other people. We had an alarming fear that w would
be restricted by a dependence on rule and regulations. In defensiveness and
desperation, we set up our own rules and regulations, which were even more
confining and restrictive.
When anyone would caringly advise: “That’s wrong. It is not good for
you.” In rebuttal, we would say: “Who says so? You can ‘go fly a kite’ as far as
I’m concerned. Just mind your own business and get off my case.”
96
The way of recovery for the alcoholic is to acknowledge that all of nature
has its laws. There is the law of gravity, of aerodynamics and of motion. There
are laws that govern electricity. People know that a building has to have a solid
foundation. A tree has to be firmly rooted in the ground. Life is not an amassed
jungle. There are laws and truths established by God, who is the supreme
architect. There is a guild line and a blueprint to follow. Failure to conform to the
laws of nature has devastating consequences. Unless they are followed, we are
doomed to live with inner turmoil, war and chaos.
The principles of Brentwood are spiritual principles. They are spiritual
because they pertain to the laws of nature and the laws of God. God’s law of
love is quite simple.
97
At Brentwood we have to submit and surrender to the truths, the realities
and the laws which will qualify us to live as effective, responsible and fully
functioning human beings. By remaining, figuratively speaking, the blind captain
of our own ship without the proper navigational tools, we choose nothing more
than to live in a fool’s paradise. It promises nothing more than an ocean of
turmoil and a life of self-imposed exile and torment.
By believing in the spiritual dimensions of recovery, I come to realize a
more promising vision of life and its fulfillment. By honestly caring, sharing,
confiding and consulting I develop the ability to sustain a life of trust, faith,
understanding, compassion and forgiveness. By allowing love as a guiding force
and as a compass in my life I can have the freedom from fear and anxiety,
freedom from confusion and freedom from turmoil and despair. I am no longer
blind to the laws which enable me to navigate safely through life in peace, joy
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Alcoholism and Brentwood
and happiness. These are the rewards of following the laws of nature and the
laws of God. We no longer need to harbor defiance and despair. Now we know
the way.
Faith and Fellowship
By having faith in the fellowship and by cooperating in the Brentwood
spirit of recovery, we can begin to accept the courage and responsibility to live
effectively. It is by confiding in others here that we can develop trust and thus
strengthen our spiritual beliefs. Following graduation we have to stay rooted in
the fellowship very much as a tree must remain rooted to the soil.
98
Anyone of us who has graduated from this recovery program and who has
relapsed or anyone who has watered down their program knows how quickly
they can get back on track as soon as they return to the fellowship. The
fellowship will not give up on us even if we have become lax or if we have
faltered to some extent. Neither will they allow us to get away with trying to fake
it. Here at Brentwood, there is no one to deceptively rescue us from the pain
encountered in real growth. There are no lawyers, mothers or unions to make
excuses for us. We are deprived of these unhealthy sources which have
persistently fed our disease in the past. The fellowship can very perceptively see
through the self-will, the self-pity, the dishonesty, the deceit and the deception.
Other alcoholics can also see the good in us though we may be blind to seeing it
ourselves.
When we are in touch with the fellowship, we are noticeably in tune with
the beliefs and the principles of spiritual recovery. In this process we are
becoming increasingly enriched, because of our dynamic daily contact with the
men and women who are an integral part of the program, and because of the
fellowship who themselves are living out the spiritual teachings of Brentwood.
We, in turn, come to believe that the program does indeed work, not only within
the fellowship, but in our personal relationships with our parents, our spouses,
our sons, our daughters, our brothers and sisters, our friends and our colleagues.
99
Fantasy is Unreality
As alcoholics we cannot accept the real world. Dissatisfied with life and
not liking ourselves, we fantasize. We achieve in our fantasies the admiration,
the recognition and approval that we so desperately crave in the real world. In
our fantasy, we can be whoever we want. We can be the sports idol, the
unsurpassed gambler, the best lover. Fantasy and daydreaming are so
comfortable for us because there is no conflict, no controversy, no challenge and
no obligation to anyone else. It is a solitary engagement devoid of people. We
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Alcoholism and Brentwood
are always the “winner” in our fantasy world. We have woven for ourselves a
cozy cocoon to shelter us from further growth and development.
In our fantasy, we were able to imagine the worst for others. We stoked
the fires of our imagination with hate, jealousy and revenge.
100
Living in the now is the positive turning around of our fantasies. If I am
really present and concerned for the person who is before me here and now, I
will become absorbed in reality. When I zero in right now to help the other
person, I get out of self and I have a trusting in-faith encounter with another
person. I can invest myself wholeheartedly in the present, as opposed in fantasy.
We cannot be honest about ourselves in isolation from other people. We
have to share, confide, and consult in good faith. We have to believe that people
will be there for us. We have to believe in our recovery process to “ask, listen
and do” is more important than “self-willing” our lives away. We have to believe
that we cannot do it alone, and that we must resign ourselves to sharing,
confiding and consulting. This is a true in-faith community, it is a spiritual
fellowship. It is through the fellowship that we can get through one-day-at-atime. It is only in and through the other alcoholic that we can render ourselves
truly accountable, responsible and mature. There are no more reasons for
excuses, blaming or fantasy. The reality is that all people need other people in
order to be responsible, free, loving and loveable.
Father’s Day
Father’s Day is a good time to reflect on our relationship to our own
fathers and mothers. In God, our father’s, plan which is the way of nature, we
are not only born into family but it intended by our very nature that we be raised,
nourished and sustained in and through our blood family, what society refers to
as the family of origin. Our physical growth occurs rather easily. Our intellectual
development demands hard work, perseverance and discipline. We can grow
physically and intellectually without the loving support of parents and friends,
though our capacity may be somewhat diminished. We are much more reliant,
however, on our parents for our spiritual growth and development. Our spiritual
growth, that is, our emotions and our feelings, is a much more gradual process
and it requires the love and nurturance of our parents, our brothers and sisters.
This is God’s plan
100
In any case, here at Brentwood, at this very time in our lives, we have to
do our best to be reconciled to our blood family, to our parents, whether they
are living, or whether they are deceased. From an open and compassionate
heart we are able to ask for forgiveness and our hearts, at least, have to be
open for us to forgive them for what they have done to us. Unless we make an
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Alcoholism and Brentwood
honest and concerted effort to heal these wounds that stand between us and our
blood family, we will not be fully capable today of extending ourselves in other
relationships to our own nuclear family, either as a husband, a wife or a parent.
Fear
102
As alcoholics we are plagued and dominated by anxiety, remorse and selfpity due to our all-consuming insecurity and lack of self worth. We are talking
about an all-consuming fear which prevents us from seeking advice from
someone, either because we would have to admit our ignorance or dependence,
or because in following the direction given, we would have to do the opposite of
what we really wanted to do.
103
We are fearful that if people knew the “real me”, they would automatically
reject us. Fear generates guilt and guilt further recycles fear. We are locked into
fear and guilt because we know that we are not being a responsible daughter or
son, mother or father, wife or husband.
Impact on Family
The spouse and children of the alcoholic are dominated by fear:
1.
Fear of other people finding out,
2.
Fear for their safety,
3.
Fear of anger, temper outburst and rage from the alcoholic,
4.
Fear of insecurity. The alcoholic is not dependable, not responsible,
5.
Fear of increasing debts,
6.
Fear of the future: “If I leave my spouse, where I will I go and where
will the children go?”
7.
Fear of harassment: “If I do leave will my spouse threaten or harm
me or the children?
8.
Fear of treading on eggshells so as not to interfere with the spouse’s
program.
9.
Fear of being a failure in the marriage.
10.
Fear of coming to Brentwood if the spouse is practicing,
11.
Fear of opening up in groups,
12.
Fear of gossip and of trust being broken,
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Alcoholism and Brentwood
13.
Fear of the spouse going back to drinking, and
14.
Fear of the wife being home alone sometimes forces the husband to
commute too soon (if husband is on program).
104
When women are experiencing fear, they are strongly urged to get on the
phone and call a woman alumnus. It is not enough to merely wait for the next
meeting. Women have to reach out when the need is there.
Hopefully, by trying Brentwood, we can feel relief and consolation. There
is an initial fear in coming to Brentwood whether because of our reputation, our
guilt or our fear of the unknown. We may fear certain personal repercussions.
When we do arrive, there is an added fear of possibly not making it through the
program or the fear that one will not be happy living the Brentwood way of life.
It is sometimes threatening to feel one will have to practice this spiritual way of
recovery for the rest of one’s life. There is also the fear that others will laugh at
us. But soon we find out that what everyone here has in common is fear.
Here we all can identify with being fearful, even if we cannot find it within
ourselves to identify with the “ex-cons”, the young drug addicts or with those
men who brutally beat up their wives or terrorize their children. (“I can feel
accepted. I can feel that others are not afraid of me, they understand my fear
and they are not afraid to be honest about themselves with me. They want to
give me strength and encouragement.”) We begin to surrender our fears to the
other people, because we begin to trust them and we become convinced of their
sincerity.
Fear disappears when there is true love and caring. Here at Brentwood we
are experiencing a freedom from fear and anxiety. We are also taught to live in
the now and to discard the neurotic guilt of the past and the unfounded worries
of the future. The present, well-lived, is what is important. In the now it is
possible for us to handle the present. Each moment of success builds up our
confidence and lessens our fear. The order of the day is sharing in our one-onones and in our group meetings. It is not enough to just speak of surface stuff
like the weather, sports or meals, but we have to delve into our effects, our
prejudices and resentments, our lack of confidence, our self-pity and our
unremitting fears and anxieties.
106,107
Feelings and Emotions
As alcoholics we had our own kind of sorrow, but it occurred because we
were hurting due to our own pain and our own guilt. This guilt was unproductive
because it did not motivate us to change our attitude or our behaviour. There
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can be no true sorrow without an inner ability to feel the pain and hurt we have
caused others.
Having gone through the same pain, the alcoholic can help relieve the
pain and assist in removing the poison of self-hatred, contempt and guilt in the
other alcoholic.
The real breakthrough for us does not come until we can actually feel the
pain of those whom we have wounded, frightened, and terrorized. We are able
to tell our hearts are opening the more we genuinely feel:
1.
2.
The hurts of other people on the program, and
the more we feel the pain of those whom we have offended and
hurt, namely, our parents, our brothers and sisters, our spouses
and our children.
It is essential that we go through this process of recognizing those whom
we have slighted. By feeling the pain of those people here on program, we begin
to realize for the first time the torment and affliction we ourselves caused those
who were so very dear to us.
108
Here we begin to develop the ability to draw from the complete treasure
of feelings which God has put in each one of us.
It is estimated that in our schools, one out of three children are in pain,
hurting and without help. They will most likely become alcoholic and this disease
will multiply in geometric proportion. The purpose of our program in the local
school is to arrest the spread of this disease and assuage some of the pain.
Brentwood is offered to people as a gift. It gives each one of us the
opportunity to share our feelings, our struggles and our aspirations with other
people who care. Brentwood inspires people to live their lives more fully at home,
at work and in the community. It is for this reason that Brentwood has been so
effective and that the work and the mission of Brentwood has been so fruitful.
The public witness of the alumni who have graduated through the program and
who are not living productive lives at home, at work and in their communities is
a living testimony to the Brentwood philosophy of recovery. Brentwood is people
needing people.
109
Feelings and Emotions 1
Alcoholism is a disease of defective and handicapped emotions. As a
person, I am composed of body, mind, emotion and spirit. It takes time for the
boy and the mind to develop and to mature. Feelings and emotions are
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conveyors of love and affection. AS children, we are automatically open to
receive and to give love. At Brentwood, the heart is considered the most
important part of each human being, not the brain or the intellectual. Those of
us who have the disease of alcoholism have been plagued from a very early age
with defective emotions and feelings. Our feelings have been scarred and dulled.
We were on a different wavelength from our family, our friend or our teachers.
Each one-on-one encounter and each group sharing of feelings helps us to
acknowledge negative feelings and to develop positive feelings. The process of
expressing feelings enables us to discard the negative ones. Through each
sharing we are permitting, for the first time, other people into your lives. Without
each other, our feelings and emotions begin to deteriorate again. They become
defective and handicapped and we end up where we were before we came into
Brentwood.
110
Forgiveness
We will never be fully alive, free or at peace with ourselves unless we are
able to forgive and unless we allow ourselves to be forgiven.
When we speak of forgiveness, we are talking about a letting go, a
releasing, a soothing, a healing, a reuniting and a re-creating. Each one of us is
subject to weakness, fear, panic and cowardliness.
To be wronged can cause deep, unforgivable wounds. In retaliation, we
self-righteously demand justice. We blame others. We want to take revenge into
our own hands. We slip into anger, resentment and bitterness. Our hearts close
and in our pain, we hurt back. We exclude others. We make others feel ashamed,
belittled and humiliated. We do all the negative things in retaliation, yet, we do
not feel any better inside. The whole thing boomerangs. Our whole lives backfire
The price is much too great for us to hold on to this uncompromising way of life.
It becomes unbearable for us to continue holding grudges, to harbor hate or to
seek revenge. It becomes intolerable for us to unreasonably withhold our
forgiveness and not to pardon those who have offended us. To hold on to all
these dimensions of hate, revenge and non-forgiveness, is self-defeating. It
never satisfies us nor heals us It exhausts us and drains us of all our resources.
It keeps us suspicious and hesitant to trust again. It destroys the very foundation
of our growth and vitality. It leaves us depleted and powerless.
111
Forgiveness means accepting the basic goodness in the person who
wrongs us. To forget is a step higher than forgiveness. Forgetting encompasses
true love. Our recalling the past misdeeds of others whom we have halfheartedly forgiven is not only futile but self-defeating, it is also destructive and
unproductive. By holding on to past misdeeds, we still harbor the same
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resentments and we still resist in our reaching out to that person whom we feel
has offended us. To recall this unforgivable moments is like rehashing,
rehearsing and reliving the hurt in the present. Not to forget is to be obsessed
with the past, over which we have no control. It needlessly keeps the wounds
open and fuels our anger and resentment. It deeps us divided from others.
Refusing to forget does nothing more than keep us on guard. It reawakens the
former pain and hate.
Love, as St. Paul tells us, does not keep a meticulous record of wrongs.
We need to learn from wrongs, from mistakes, but, most importantly, we must
let them go so that we can move on spiritually in our growth and in our ability to
love. We might console ourselves here by keeping in mind that:
1. It is human to make mistakes and to err. However, it is necessary that
as we become aware of our mistakes and as we take a moral inventory
that we not repeat these same errors in our lives. It is not sufficient
that we half-heartedly mumble an insincere and flippant “I’m sorry”
remark.
2. We have to remain open to sincere forgiveness and to accept
forgiveness from those who really love us. We have to do this in
unquestionable faith and without analyzing every minute detail.
3. If we can appreciate that God is always ready to forgive us and that
those who care of us and whom we have offended can forgive us, then
we must in all good conscience forgive ourselves.
4. The more regularly we do good and positive things for others through
our actions, the more we are freed to live life more fully.
Understanding , acceptance and patience frees us from prejudice, hate,
resentments and mercilessness. The more we act benevolently
towards others, the less we will hurt them and, more significantly, the
less we will have to ask for forgiveness.
112
Freedom
Every decision we made was disastrous for ourselves and for others. One
might reasonably ask: “What ever happened to our freedom and our
independence?” If I am lost in the bush and I do not have a guide or a compass,
where is the freedom to know where I am going? The reality is that I am lost.
This is the opposite of freedom and is the epitome of panic, fright and hysteria. I
have lost my way and my direction. When our lives have no direction, we have
no freedom. Where is my freedom if I am full of guilty, fear and blindness
concerning what is good for me and others? Where is my freedom if I have no
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direction for myself or no sense of direction for those whom I am responsible for?
Where is my freedom when I do not know what is good or what is needed for
me or for them? There is no freedom when my heart is full of bitterness and
resentment. I am not free to be happy or to go to such and such a person. Even
if that particular individual is not around, I am controlled by that individual. I
have no freedom when my heart is still full of envy and hatred for my parents,
my spouse or my children. I am not free when I have not been home where I
should be for the last five years or so.
113
The most basic freedom we should have is the freedom to give love and
to receive love. Freedom is an ability to love and be loved. We had no freedom
because we were absolutely powerless to love or to allow others to love us. We
lot the ability to relate sensitively to our parents, our spouses, our brothers and
sisters, our children or even our relatives and friends. We lacked the freedom to
know what we needed or what others needed. We were unable to provide for
our own needs or for theirs.
We were unable to ask for help or to allow others to help us. Our agenda
was that we wanted a life without controls and in the process, we ended up
where everything controlled us and we were ourselves “out-of-control”.
True freedom comes from having a proper sense of priorities and from the
responsible fulfillment of basic needs. If we do not know what our priorities are,
what the proper order is, if we cannot take orders or direction, then we cannot
have things done in order nor can we have things in their proper place. We took
it for granted that we knew the proper order, the right direction about our lives.
We were confident that we could make a detour at any time and that everything
would work out to our advantage.
Such a way of life personifies insanity and stupidity and is completely
alcoholic. We have to take direction in order to go in the right direction.
Freedom Talk
114
We lived under constant tension and pressure. We were imprisoned in
misery and despair.
We will experience true freedom in proportion to the gains we make in our
spiritual ability to exercise trust, faith, forgiveness, obedience and honesty in our
lives. The truth makes us free. We are free when we care for others and they are
free when we allow them to care for us.
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Friends, Friendship and Fellowship
115
As alcoholics, we were incapable from a very early age of fostering deep
relationships. We were deficient in this respect even with our own blood relatives.
Actually, the people whom we hurt the most were our parents, brothers, sisters,
spouses and children. This type of mistreatment is unnatural. It is not normal for
us to treat those whom we love with cruelty and disrespect. The vicious insults
we laid on people and the vindictive ways in which we related to others is a clear
indication of the destructive quality of this disease.
Our problem is a “people-problem”. Because of poor self-image, our
perpetual fear and our incessant negativity, we did not allow them to get too
close to us. When we were not neglecting them, we would incessantly tear at
them in destructive ways. We prematurely anticipated their rejection and out of
fear and insecurity we “jumped the gun” and chose to reject them first. As our
fear progressed, we retaliated not only with rejection but we lashed out with
bitterness, with sulking, tantrums, anger and insults.
Here in the program, in spite of our fear and embarrassment as well as
our difficulty in relating to people, we soon become aware of the genuine care of
the other people on program. We begin to open up to others in ways we never
thought possible. We are now sharing our deepest feelings and, for the first time
in our lives, we are actually feeling good about ourselves. Friendship requires
that we be genuine in our encounters with other people. When we talk about the
Brentwood program, we are talking about “people needing people” and friends
needing friends. As alcoholics, we need the other alcoholic so as to learn faith
and trust and to develop the confidence and the ability to be friends. We need
these powerful role models. These role models are readily and realistically found
in the recovered alcoholic, the senior members on program and the alumni.
These people actually become our “life-line” to sobriety and recovery. As
recovering alcoholics, we have to remain deeply rooted in this fellowship for the
rest of our lives, every much as a fish needing water.
A friend demonstrates a variety of outstanding qualities. A friend is
someone who:
•
•
•
•
•
is concerned about how I feel,
is genuinely happy for me when things go well and who tries to
cheer me up when things go wrong.
accepts me in the good times and the bad times,
is a source of hope when he or she convinces me that I am worth
loving,
risks being rejected by me and remains loyal to me even when I try
to resist his or her concern for me,
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•
•
•
is truthful enough to admit his or her own failures and trust me
enough to confide in me,
is approachable as opposed to harsh, stern and unwelcoming, and
finally,
is one who allows me the freedom to have other friends and to
share my life with others.
116
Friendships and Relationships
Life is people. Only people can give true purpose and meaning to our
loves. Alcoholism involves our avoiding people and shutting them out of our lives.
For the alcoholic, people are a hindrance, a handicap and a problem. As
alcoholics, we cannot trust people. Rather, we blame them, accuse them, resent
them, lash out at them in anger and in self-pity. We are unable to be “part of”
being “interested in” other people.
117
By the time we have arrived at Brentwood, not only have we pushed
parents, spouses and children away from us but we have not been able to be
true friends to anyone. We had people who were trying to give true friendship to
us, but we could not give true friendship to them in return. We ere draining
people dry, using them, ignoring them, insulting them, and increasingly drawing
into our loneliness. We were filled with pain, anger and guilt. We had interfered
with the natural process of our emotional growth when we closed ourselves off
from our blood family. Then, when we tried to replace family relationships with
friends or acquaintances, it would not work because we were incapable of really
caring for another person.
Here at Brentwood, once we honestly admit that we have the disease of
alcoholism and once we are exposed to the process of sharing, confiding and
consulting, we begin to develop the necessary spiritual qualities of trust, faith
and acceptance. With the other alcoholic, we experience for the first time the joy
of true friendship. We are glad to be part of this process and we are willing to
allow them to be part of us. This taste of friendship is very small in comparison
with what God has in mind for us in respect to our own responsible relationship
with our parents, our spouses, our children or our brothers and sisters.
The expression “My wife is my best friend” can be more often than not be
a “cop out” to avoid the necessary commitment and responsibility that is part
and parcel of marriage. This modern idiom expresses little more than a living
arrangement of convenience where each person can remain independent and no
one has to grow or care for one another. Let us not change what God has made
by reducing love, marriage and intimacy to mere Friendship.
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118
The marriage relationship has been ordained by God Himself to be in a
special category. Its sacredness is second only to my personal relationship with
God. The mutual depth of a marriage relationship allows for the spiritual
dimension of trust, faith, acceptance, submission, surrender, dedication and
unity. The scriptural passage aptly applies to the richness of this deep abiding
love in the words: “…and the two shall become one.” The children are a product
of this love relationship. The bond which is created between parents and children
expands their capacity to love and it strengths the commitment and dedication of
each member towards the other. There is an inheritance. The children are the
sons and daughters and the adults are their parents.
Genuine Caring
The frequently used, but faint and hollow words of the alcoholic are: “I
really love and care for my parents, my spouse and my children. We really mean
a lot to each other.” In reality, we were blind to the feelings of others. Due to
guilt, we had fear, a fear of people and fear which prevented us from caring for
others. I was either afraid of him or afraid of her or I Was fearful of going here
or there.
Because we always demanded our way, parents and others soon became
convinced that we did not care for them. Because we would lie, make excuses,
and blame others, we had no respect for others. It often became contempt for
others instead. Our reaction was an open insult to their sincerity. How can this
type of attitude be a way of caring for others: “I’ll take care of myself.” These
words were a dead giveaway. Our language showed our true colors. It showed
how ignorant and out of place we were about life and living. AS a result, we
went about carelessly attending to ourselves. And in honesty where did this lead
us? It led us to a life of sadness, misery, hate and guilt. This was the last thing
our family needed from us. We ended up in anger and self-pity and we were
unable to effectively function as a responsible son, daughter, spouse or parent.
119
It was impossible for us to genuinely care for others when we were
dominated and obsessed by such extreme negativity and when we had made
ourselves the number one priority in our lives at the expense of others. We did
not care for others in the way that others needed us to care for them. We called
the shots. Everything had to be on our terms and if we did something for others,
it was usually to get something for ourselves in return. It was a subtle form of
manipulation. We refused to allow them to care for us the way they needed to
care as parents, wives, husbands, brothers or sisters. How can we say we cared
when we would not trust them? Where was the respect in this? As a matter of
fact, we took better care of our jewelry, our wardrobe, our gourmet cooking, our
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car and our golf clubs than we did of those close to us. And we repeated over
and over like a broken record: “I really love my spouse and my children.”
If we did not know how to be happy, if we did not know how to have selfworth and if we were inadequate or unqualified to have good things happen in
our lives, how could we possible claim to have properly taken care of others. We
came to the point where we could care less for life itself and we could care less
for others. The way we feel ourselves is usually the way we make others feel.
Finally, what we “dished out” to people got the best of us. We dished out
disrespect, scorn and mistrust and we got these in return. If we feel miserable,
unhappy and remorseful, this is the way we made others feel.
How can any of this be a way of caring for others? How can these be the
ingredients necessary in loving a person? The breakthrough for us is to permit
others here on program to care of us. We have to finally develop the ability to
trust. It is through the honest sharing of feelings that we come to admit that we
have been all for self and it is in allowing others to share their deepest feelings
that we become occupied and concerned for the “other”.
The sharing has to be honest and it has to be at the feeling level. I have
to feel with and for others and I have to allow them to feel with and for me. This
and this alone leads to being “part of” and “one with”. And then we can finally
experience peace, joy and self-worth.
Gratitude – Key to Freedom
We are able to show our gratitude by having a proper attitude and
disposition towards life and living. Our misuse of self-will leads us to total loss of
peace and freedom. We become locked in, restricted, controlled and limited as to
where we can go, what we can do and who we can associated with. We were
unable to participate in everyday events. We were unable to be a “part of”. We
have become powerless and imprisoned. In our destructive self-will, we insisted
that things had to be totally our way. We punitively restricted our families and
caused them much grief and sorrow. They too became prisoners of fear, anger
and disgust. They too inevitably lost their own sense of dignity and self-worth.
120
It is virtually impossible for us to see that gratitude is the first step. Here
we are forgiven for our past misdeeds and we are accepted as we are. WE are
given to a very rich opportunity to reverse our lives and to renew our energies in
more productive ways.
We show our ingratitude by our holding back, by our nagging self-doubt,
by still wanting thing sin our own childish way, by refusing to give up our
obstinate self-will and by trying continuously to control the situation here while
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on program. By looking for special treatment and by our endless academic and
hypothetical questioning of the validity of this program, we are showing our
ingratitude. We are still attached to the old way of life and we do not want to
give up or renege on our former negativity and destructive pattern of living.
Playing such a loser’s game amounts to being irresponsible and to a refusal to
accept reality.
We have to discipline ourselves and we have to go against the grain in
order to fully experience the positive dimensions of this spiritual process of
recovery. It is self-defeating for us to give up and say “I am a lost cause. I am
no good. No one can help me. I am too far gone. My condition is irreversible.”
Such an attitude sets up for us a blind, a self-fulfilling prophecy and destroys our
chance to “make a go of it”. We must accept the reality that there is good in
each and every one of us and that this program is a viable opportunity to
achieve a constructive recovery and to live a more productive and meaningful life.
121
Probably the most devastating aspect of this disease was our constant
fault-finding, our incessant nagging and our continual harping and tearing apart.
We were forever spilling into others our poison and garbage. We shattered
everything in our path. We chose to concentrate our energies on the
unfavourable things in life rather than seeing the more beneficial aspects.
What did we ever do to correct the weakness or problems? We added to
such problems by knocking down, blaming and running away from
responsibilities. Reality calls us to seize the opportunity and to improve our
situation for ourselves and for our families. It is impossible for us to recognize
opportunities when we are all mixed up and confused between basic needs and
selfish wants. In our greed and selfishness, we are occupied with satisfying our
insatiable wants and desires. We do not have the maturity or the wisdom
necessary to rise to the challenge of difficulties. We are unable to see difficulties
as opportunities for growth, maturity and responsibility. We are not able to turn
stumbling blocks into building blocks. Instead of running towards responsibilities,
we run away from our responsibilities.
The pessimist makes difficulties out of opportunities. The optimist uses
difficulties as opportunities. It is God’s plan for us that we respond effectively to
adversity and that we accept the challenges of life which are presented to us
each day. Giving up on life and our responsibilities is a coward’s way out. It is an
escape from life and reality. This is why in our confusion and ingratitude, we
escape to a world of fantasy and make-believe.
122
When we are closed and living in constant negativity, we are unable in our
blindness to recognize opportunities. It is a breakthrough when we can see that
difficulties are an opportunity to grow. The difficulties we encounter in life
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provide an incentive for us to fulfill our deepest potential and to realize more
realistic aspirations.
In the sixth step of AA, we ask God to remove our defects. It is not
sufficient that we rely solely upon God in this regard. We have to do the work. A
defect is a shortcoming which should be seen by us as God’s way of letting us
know there is still room for more growth and development.
A mature and responsible person says: “Show me what to do and I will
surely do it, because I want to discard those obstacles of fear, anger, hatred and
loneliness. I want to get rid of those barriers which prevent me from feeling
becoming me!”
Two essential elements for an effective recovery program include:
1. my effective use of the fellowship and extending myself to others
whom God sense me, and
2. allowing other people in my life here and now each and every day.
123
Greed
Greed is an exaggerated acquisition of material possessions. Greed means
a total preoccupation with the self. Life had to revolve around us as the sole
character of attention.
The point of matter is that there has to be balance in our lives if we want
an abundance of what is good and valuable for us. Our motto may well have
been: “Totally for me. Totally against others.” Our demands and expectations in
life are so grossly exaggerated and so unrealistic that they can never be satiated.
We can never be satisfied with “moderation in all things”, we have to have an
“excess in all things”.
124
As fearful and insecure alcoholics, we demand that others serve us. Our
emphasis is on what we selfishly want as opposed to what we rightfully need in
our lives. This negative attitude outwardly thoughtless and uncaring. When we
did do things for others, it was mostly for “show” to get something in return for
ourselves, whether this meant recognition or appreciation. We forced our
children to be what we wanted them to be, irrespective of their needs, their
capabilities or their aspirations. We took away their freedom because we were
harsh, disrespectful, insensitive, blind and greedy.
We felt it was acceptable for us to have an affair from time to time, but
we absolutely prohibited such behavior for our spouses. In this regard, we ruled
them with an ironclad control. For us our “thorn in the flesh” was lust while we
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had mistakenly perceived it as sex and intimacy. In reality, we were incapable of
mature and responsible love.
125
Our whole attitude was one of not being “part of”. We exempted
ourselves from our responsibilities as a son or daughter, a spouse or a parent.
Our hearts were closed and we were unable to love them in any fitting or
responsible manner. We were incapable of giving support or of showing any
consistent, unselfish concern for others.
126
It is in giving to others unconditionally that we receive all we need for our
fulfillment as individuals.
Greed 1
As alcoholics we believe that we have been dealt a “dirty deal”. No one
likes to be called greedy. But our past lives reflected a negative direction which
was totally absorbed in the self and totally opposed to involvement with other
people. We became malicious and vindictive towards others and we wish upon
them our vicious anger, our hatred and our revenge.
127
To tear out this unremitting anger demands a great deal of honest soulsearching. We have to ask ourselves “Is there any recovery from such a horrid
way of life?” It would be almost unbearable for us to live with our hatred and
guilt if it were not for the fellowship which is provided by a program such as that
at Brentwood. Most of us also receive encouragement from those people whom
we have so desperately hurt, as they see our honesty and sincerity in trying to
work our recovery program. We can also successfully eradicate this disease by
living our lives positively, one-day-at-a-time.
It is only when we allow others into our lives that we begin to feel for
them. This reduces our destructive preoccupation with our own selfishness.
When we are open to others we actually break out of the old mold and we are
able to let go of past resentments and past fantasies. Our greed and our doing
everything to excess is replaced more profitably with our ability and our
willingness to prefer the good of others before our own self-concerns.
128
Happiness
Our goal in life is to be happy and to experience happiness in our lives.
Happiness means that one is experiencing or showing pleasure, contentment, joy,
peace and satisfaction. Happiness is an expression of fulfillment as a human
being.
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If we follow the laws of nature we can expect to be reasonably happy and
healthy. Ironically, many people actually feel guilty when they are happy due to
false religious beliefs or poor upbringing. They were taught and eventually came
to believe that they would be punished for being happy in this world.
Amidst the difficulties of life there is also the opportunity for joy and
happiness. Our failure to properly adjust to the negative situations in our lives
can lead to some form of addiction, whether alcoholism, drug abuse, excessive
gambling, overeating, depression, misery or eventually suicide. Again, it is not
what happens to us, but it is whether we choose an impulsive reaction or a
controlled response. It is possible for us to experience an inner joy, an inner
happiness, an inner peace and an inner satisfaction when we are beset with a
painful situation.
Healers
As we grew older, we were somehow taught it was a sign of immaturity to
cry, and so, in our alcoholic frame of mind, we decided on our own that we
would hide our pain of fear and insecurity. We kept this from other people
because we did not want to admit our weaknesses. Some of us would try to
numb the pain with alcohol, drugs, excessive gambling or with overeating.
130
As soon as I come to Brentwood, I realize that there are other alcoholics
on program who understand and accept me. They identify with my pain and I
begin to trust their acceptance. Here at Brentwood, the alcoholics are healers
for one another. We do not even have to believe in God in order for God’s
healing to be present in us.
We can take our past defeats and failures and use them as a means of
healing others. Now we can reach out to alcoholics and non-alcoholics alike.
131
God, who loves us, works in and through the other alcoholic to reach us
and to bring us to a level of spiritual understanding. We are all wounded healers
bringing God’s love and peace to each other. We do this in and through
fellowship.
Honesty
When we talk about honesty we have to talk about responsibility, reality
and blindness. It is God who is love, not our morbid self-will.
When we talk about honesty here at Brentwood, we are talking about
responsibility, openness and reality. We are basically talking about our proper
response to the needs of others. As alcoholics, we “con” ourselves into believing
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that we are honest, open, genuine, sincere and responsible. It is dishonest for
us to focus our lives only on ourselves. We spend most of our time in
condemnation , hatred, revenge, disrespect and remorse.
132, 133
It is impossible to be honest with ourselves without the help of other
people. By confiding, our friends will help us, encourage us and stand by us in
our growth in recovery. Through this honest sharing and maturity, we can, in
turn become honest, responsible and real. God can count upon us to help others
who are in need.
Honesty 1
Our old way is to deny, resist, pretend, manipulate, excuse, blame others
and be irresponsible. To pretend that we are happy is to be dishonest. To
continue with the false conviction that we always know that is best is dishonest.
To deny that we do not have self-pity is dishonest. To remain in our makebelieve world of fantasy and exaggeration at twenty and forty-five years of age is
grossly irresponsible. We deceive ourselves into believing that we are “good” to
our family when, in reality, we are cruel and vindictive. It is a refusal to be real
with ourselves or with others.
134
Here at Brentwood, if we are not honest and if we are merely going
through the motions, it becomes apparent that we are not really concerned, by
either rejecting help or by our refusing to help. There can be no genuine or
honest caring unless there is confiding of feelings and consulting for direction.
Unless we share in this manner, there is no way that our care and their can
genuinely meet. Avoidance of such an encounter leaves us lonely, alienated and
deprived.
Hope, Trust and Belief
Most people realize that, when it comes to life and living, it takes a great
deal of time and effort in order to develop the proper skills and expertise.
Certainly, as an alcoholic, we believed that we could achieve love in
relationships without any training, without any effort or without developing the
necessary qualities.
135
In recovery, our basic step is to trust in someone other than ourselves.
When we trust, we are open to receive the care and love of others. When we
trust each other it means that we are worthwhile and we regain our self-worth.
Two simple words, trust and faith, are the foundation for freedom, joy,
happiness and love.
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Alcoholism and Brentwood
As alcoholics, we are so insecure, so fearful, so uncertain and so
perplexed that we have lost the ability to hope, to trust or to believe.
136
The trust begins when we do what we are told. The senior people on
program and especially the alumni are a living testimony and proof that this
program works. They confide in the new person at Brentwood and they are
honest in their sharing with the fellowship. They can trust the new members
enough to free themselves from their burdens and be more relieved and relaxed.
They give me hope, the hope that I, too, can do it.
Now comes the belief and the faith. We come to believe and to accept.
Before our attempt at recovery, we trusted and believed only in our egocentric
selves. Instead of eliminating defects, we eliminated people. We had no sense
of meaning, direction or purpose.
Here at Brentwood we start with action. We are given hope through the
more senior members on program who reach out to us with love and caring.
They are at peace with themselves. They are content with their lives. This
renews our sense of hope because we see that the others on program obviously
have something – something I need and something I want. No longer do I feel
the confusion and despair I felt before I came on program. Life now has
purpose for me.
137
What is shared here at Brentwood is confidential. There can be no room
for gossip or for spreading rumors.
137,138, 139
I’m Special
When we are infected with this disease, we hate to be seen as ordinary,
common people. We have to change the rules to suit ourselves. We have to be
different. We see ourselves as so very special that we cannot fit in any place
because no one is a match for us. The only real specialty which we as alcoholics
can rightfully claim is that we are “specialists” in self-pity.
Here at Brentwood our distorted perception of being special is reversed.
Here we have to do what we are told. What this type of approach does, in
effect, is to shrink the inflated ego. The treatment entails, “asking, listening and
doing”. Three simple steps to recovery.
All I have to do is to fit in, cooperate and go with the flow. It calls for
uniformity and conformity. We have to be “part of” and not “exempt from”.
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