Sexual Communication
The Process of Communicating Sexually
I. The basic communications model - steps
A. The sender has an idea (ex. Person does not want to have sexual intercourse
1. Nature of idea is influenced by many factors – context of situation, sender's
mood, background culture, frame of reference
2. Sender may be too tired or upset, it may be too late or partner A may not know
partner B well enough
B. Sender encodes idea in message – conversion of idea into words or gestures to
convey meaning
1. Words have different meanings for different people & can cause
misunderstanding; this is called bypassing if they result from missed meaning
2. Partner B might think all forms of sexual behavior except intercourse are
acceptable to A or B may think A doesn't really mean it or is just saying it
C. Message travels over a channel – speech/gestures, telephone, FAX, computer,
written correspondence
D. Receiver (Partner D in this case) decodes message; decoding is translating message
from symbol form into meaning
1. For successful communication, decoding must be accurate
2. Noise can distort message – actual noise, misinterpretation of words, voice
tones, or gestures; emotional reactions; use of alcohol/drugs
E. Receiver responds verbally or nonverbally (feedback)
1. Helps sender know whether or not message was received & understood – ex.: B
makes further advances
F. Model provides for continual sending, receiving & feedback
II. Nonverbal communication – all unwritten & unspoken messages; may be sent
intentionally & unintentionally; exert strong influence on receiver but can be difficult to
interpret
A. Vast majority of message meaning is sent this way
B. Messages can be difficult to decipher when verbal & nonverbal messages seem to
contradict each other
1. When this happens, receiver often puts more faith in the nonverbal cues than
what is said
2. Nonverbal communication is important but it is unwise to attach specific
meaning to each gesture in every situation
C. Body language – communicating by body posture often says as much or more than
the spoken word
1. When people are uncomfortable with verbal communication, body language
may be the only form of communication in which they participate
2. We display interest in people by making eye contact & display our sexuality by
the ways we dress, walk & stand
D. Nonverbal expression of feelings & thoughts is easy to misinterpret
1. People view their actions differently from how their partners view those actions
2. People are more likely to notice negative than positive nonverbal behaviors
3. Also there are differences in male & female nonverbal communication; women
are more expressive & more skilled at sending & receiving nonverbal messages
4. Examples are smiling, gazing, having an expressive face, using hands & an
expressive voice
5. Men tend to be louder & more interruptive & more nervous & uneasy about
using nonverbal messages
6. Examples are restless feet & legs, interspersing "ah" & "um" in speech,
speaking loudly, touching themselves during interactions
E. Thus, depending on nonverbal communication alone to express oneself sexually is
to risk misunderstanding
1. If partner is communicating nonverbally, it is up to individual to ask verbally
whether s/he is getting the right message
2. If you don't sending partner may assume message is getting through as intended
(man interested, woman not though she may appear to be although she is
nervous)
G. The most important forms of nonverbal communication
1. Proximity (nearness) – face-to-face distances between people; moving closer
indicates increased interest/intimacy; moving far away indicates the opposite
2. Making eye contact (for a little longer than is normal) can be a signal of
interest in a relationship
3. Touching – can show interest, intimacy & emotional closeness; slight touch to
show concern or connection to intimate sexual touching
a. If wrong person touches in wrong way could be offensive
b. In social & work situations, there is a danger of appearing overly intimate
(sexual harassment)
III. Barriers to effective sexual communication – receiver must understand message as
sender intended for successful communication
A. Bypassing – people can attach different meaning to words; sexual relations to some is
everything sexual; to others, it may only mean penile/vagina contact
B. Frame of reference – everyone's unique set of experiences; sociocultural upbringing
strongly influences communication style; some are raised to express feelings, others
not
C. Lack of language skill – in new situation, one may not be prepared to communicate
effectively; one person may not know how to communicate effectively unwelcome
pursuit
D. Lack of listening skills – people often listen selectively & interpret messages to their
advantage; person hears only what he wants to hear
E. Mind-altering drugs – alcohol & drugs create a powerful barrier to communication;
>50% of date rapes involve alcohol
1. As inhibitions & communication ability fade so does ability to control situation
IV. Gender communication issues – communication difficulties between sexes can be
related to lack of vocabulary
A. Men & women have trouble reaching a mutual understanding of certain concepts
because they cannot describe them to each other (she-speak & he-speak)
1. Man knows all features of new car; woman cares about color
2. Details & features of stereo; women doesn't want it in living room
B. Effort must be made to avoid miscommunication
C. Gender roles can strongly shape communication patterns – helpful to be aware of
gender role context & power to influence what we hear & say & purpose of
communication
1. Men tend to be good at public speaking since they traditionally focus on their
place in hierarchy
2. Women focus on nurturing relationships & tend to be better at speaking in
private
3. Emotionally, women tend to be good at verbalizing thoughts & feelings in close
relationships; men are good at dismissing feelings or keeping them to
themselves
4. For men, expressing their feelings does not does not help determine their status
or compete in outside world
5. Men and women often have subtle differences in responses to a number
emotions (anger, sadness, & jealousy)
D. Do men & women naturally communicate differently or are these behaviors
learned?
1. Some believe males are socialized to be more assertive & direct in both verbal
& nonverbal communication
a. Eye contact, body placement & rough physical contact by males
communicate intention, superiority & territoriality
2. Women have generally been socialized to have a less pronounced presence
a. They listen emphatically, communicate & elicit emotions & process conflict
b. Women complain that men do not want to talk about anything, aren't
sensitive to women's needs & just don't understand
3. Men wonder how a seemingly innocuous comment could cause their partner to
be silent or a desire to talk about relationship & where it is going
4. Men get used to living in conflict & women prefer role of peacemaker &
relationship builder
5. Most believe gender is not sole source of different communication styles;
upbringing, socioeconomic status, culture & ethnicity are involved
Attitudes about Sexuality
I. Some people cannot communicate openly due to attitudes learned at home
A. Some parents protect kids from references to sexuality; when they finally hear it, they
can feel guilty for participating in conversation or hearing it
B. When parents do not acknowledge sexuality to kids, can lead to suppressed feelings
permeating adult lives
II. Do men & women have different talking styles?
A. Some say men have need for control in social relationships; they try to capture
floor & state issues forthrightly with clarity & make decisions confidently
1. Don't like being interrupted & like to give info & advice
B. They also say women predisposed to being inclusive & nurturing in conversation –
wait turn for floor & make cooperative decisions after hearing all sides
1. Like to keep conversation flowing, interrupt one another, fill silences, ask
questions
2. Express sympathy& share similar feelings with other women in their
conversations
C. Those who believe in these patterns say contrasting styles lead to misunderstandings
between men & women in close relationships
1. Makes it important to develop understanding of & sympathy for differences;
each person must make efforts to listen & appreciate the other's way of speaking
D. Others believe we must dig deeper than sex differences to understand
communication problems
1. Communication may depend more on social status & power of speaker than on
gender
III. Deborah Tannen says many women feel it is natural to consult partners all the time
while men often make decisions without consulting partner
A. Women expect decisions to be discussed first & made by consensus
B. Many men feel oppressed by lengthy discussions about what they see as minor
decisions; feel hemmed in if they cannot act first
C. Thus communication is continuous balancing act
D. Men's supposed fear of intimacy may really be fear of rejection
1. It would help for men total more openly about lives
2. Developing relationships with other men may help
Parent-Teen Communication
I. Kanofsky reports a correlation between parent – adolescent communication as perceived
by teenager & abstinence from starting sexual intercourse
A. High level of communication with mother is most closely associated with abstinence
B. Communication decreases as teen gets older
1. As communication declines at home, teens sought replacement for intimacy with
parents & participated in sexual intercourse
2. As teens become sexually active, they were reluctant to discuss personal issues
with parents causing decline in communication
II. Teens who feel their parents are warm, caring & supportive are more likely to delay
sexual activity than peers
A. Teens who are highly satisfied with relationship with mother are more likely to use
contraception & delay sexual activity & less likely to have unplanned pregnancy
III. Parents consider task of talking to kids about sex a daunting one since they often feel
inn-equipped
A. Don't know where to start or what to say; afraid they may scare kids or encourage
them
B. Most such discussions are limited, indirect & uncomfortable
C. Failure to talk (give info & decision-making skills) places teens at risk for negative
outcomes
1. ~15% of adolescents have had conversations about sexuality with their parents
2. Mothers are more likely than fathers to discuss birth control, adolescent
pregnancy, & sexual morality with both sons & daughters
D. Sexual language – people are often uncomfortable with sexual language
1. The words one must use in such a conversation prevent rational, thoughtful,
comfortable interaction
2. Some words elicit strong emotions – embarrassment, guilt, shame or anger – that
interfere with thoughtful discourse (more emotion, more interference)
3. Sexual language used may promote communication & relationships or inhibit them
Techniques for Improving Sexual Communication
I. No magical methods for attaining free, open and comfortable communication about sexual
topics; but there are some suggestions See below)
II. Planning – one barrier is complete avoidance of subject by both partners; partners should
set aside time to discuss it & make following plans:
A. Make sure you have plenty of time for discussion; don't be cut short
B. Do not allow others to interrupt by calling you or barging in
C. Accept all feelings and the right to express them verbally
D. Take a risk – really describe thoughts and needs; do not expect partner to guess
E. Approach discussion with understanding that goal is to improve relationship rather
than to see who can shock whom
F. Expect changes but not miracles; continued dialogue is required; seek help of others, if
needed (friends, counselors, clergy, psychologists, etc.)
G. Result of this is deeper trust, greater sense of intimacy, feeling of adventure about
relationship
II. Flooding – technique for learning to use & become comfortable with sexual language
A. Breast exam in men is the same as for women
B. Treatment is similar with one major difference: psychological & emotional
consequences of breast removal not as significant
1. Men seldom need counseling or cosmetic way of disguising removal of breast
tissue
III. Learning assertiveness – some people have a tough time communicating about sex or
anything
A. To understand assertiveness, one must be able to distinguish assertive, aggressive &
nonassertive behaviors
1. Assertiveness – standing up for your basic rights without violating anyone else's
a. Assertive verbal sexual communication - when you stand up for your sexual
rights/needs by expressing wishes while allowing your partner the same freedom
B.
C.
D.
E.
F.
2. Aggressiveness – standing up for your basic rights (or more) at the expense of
someone else's rights
3. Nonassertiveness – giving up your basic rights so that other people can achieve
theirs
Body language can also be aggressive, nonassertive or assertive
1. Aggressive – pointing, leaning toward one another, glaring, loud angry tone of
voice
2. Nonassertive – slumped posture, lack of eye contact, hand-wringing, hesitant
speech, nervous whining or laughing, not saying or doing what you want to
3. Assertive – sitting or standing tall, looking directly at the person you are talking to,
speaking explicitly in steady voice, using gestures/physical contact that is right for
you
Bower & Bower (1976) – came up with formula for learning to be assertive &
organizing assertive verbal responses; called DESC
1. Describing other person's behavior or the situation as objectively as possible
2. Expressing your feelings about other person's behavior or the situation that you just
described
3. Specifying changes you would like to see made
4. Choosing consequences you are prepared to accept if situation changes to our
satisfaction and if it does not
Basis of assertive behavior is combination of self-respect with respect for others
Expressing yourself nonverbally is important – don't be afraid to smile, wink, hug, etc.
to communicate your affection; listen actively & check if your understanding is correct
Listening is hard & requires skill; you should not be the following things:
1. Mind reader – you're always thinking about what the other person is really thinking
or feeling instead of listening
2. Rehearser – mental tryouts for what you say next; tune out speaker
3. Filterer – selective listening; hearing what you want to hear
4. Dreamer – drifting off during conversation can be embarrassing
5. Identifier – if refer everything you hear to your experience, you probably did not
hear what was said
6. Comparer – when you get side-tracked assessing the messenger, you miss the
message
7. Derailer – changing subject too quickly says you are not interested in anything
others have to say
8. Sparrer – you hear what is said but quickly belittle it or discount it; same class as
derailer
9. Placater – agreeing with everything you hear just to be nice or prevent conflict does
not make one a good listener
IV. Seeking information (listening) – verify your interpretation of other person's verbal &
especially nonverbal communication
A. Not doing the above things would be attentive or empathetic listening with the intent
to understand; characteristics of good listeners
1. Body language – nodding encouragingly, leaning into conversation, not glancing
around or looking for something
B.
C.
D.
E.
F.
2. Good listeners are mentally engaged in what you are saying & demonstrate it –
make brief comments; ask focused questions; patiently wait for answer before
providing one
3. Listen with third ear seeking to understand thoughts that are not expressed
4. Try to under4stand before being understood; try to see topic from speaker's
standpoint first; express your opinion when asked or when time is appropriate
5. Good listeners must be trusted; never repeat confidences & personal problems
without consent of party involved
Steps to avoid hostile settings & other communication hindrances
1. Choose physical environment find quiet, non-threatening place to talk
2. Cut butt-ins; difficult to communicate if phone rings or person pops in at door
3. Recognize differences; people communicate best in different ways; some are
primarily auditory; others are visual or hands-on
4. Persist – refuse to believe that you cannot understand another person's message
Steps toward change – counselors offer advice to help couples improve their
communication skills
1. Encourages active (reflective) listening – reflecting to the other person his/her own
words & feelings
2. Elicits feedback from each partner by asking each to summarize what s/he just
heard
3. Facilitates the expression of feelings & thoughts directly & succinctly
4. Requests the use of "I" statements (beginning each sentence with I to express
personal feelings better & avoid blaming other partner) instead of questions
5. Prohibits interruptions & blaming
Resolving conflicts – conflicts arise & healthy conflict resolution is often prevented by
poor communications skills like:
1. Improper listening
2. A combative or offensive stance geared toward winning rather than communicating
3. An inability to acknowledge another's point
4. Refusal to consider alternative solutions
Resolve conflicts by (3 step approach):
1. Active listening
2. Identifying your position – stating thoughts & feelings & explaining why you feel
this way
3. Proposing & exploring alternative solutions – brainstorming & then evaluating
possibilities
Resolve conflicts by (4 step approach):
1. Identify interests of each person – ask what do you want? & then listen carefully to
answers
2. Identify higher levels of interest – what does having that do for you?
3. Create an agreement frame – if I show you how to get X (real interest), would you
do Y (what you want from person)?
4. Brainstorm for solutions – solution must satisfy interests of all parties
V. Giving & receiving criticism in a constructive way
A. Find private, relaxing place to discuss feelings & thoughts about sexual relationship
B. Devote sufficient time to such a discussion
C. Limit distractions so attention is focused on conversation – find a quiet, private place
for discussion
D. Don't do discussions just before or just after a sexual encounter – you need a relaxed
time
VI. When giving criticism:
A. Begin comments on positive note, then move to behavior you would like to change
B. Be specific about change you are recommending
C. Be aware of your partner's limitations – don't expect more than s/he can give; don't
expect changes they are likely to be unable to make like faster arousal
VII. When receiving criticism:
A. Separate partner's suggestions/recommendations from your self-worth
B. Assume nondefensive attitude – ask questions to understand criticism better rather than
justifying actions; then if you disagree, you will know why
C. If criticism is too general, ask for specific suggestions to help you make recommended
change; ask how partner can help make change more likely' ask partner to participate
D. Whether or not you agree, thank partner for honesty in expressing their concern
1. Acknowledge difficulty in discussing such matters & say that appreciate chance to
consider something you are or are not doing that causes problem
2. Encourage future suggestions that may improve relationship
VIII. Truth in communication is important
A. One study (Saxe, 1991) showed that lying is common in relationships of college
students
1. Majority of lies (41%) were about relationships with other partners
B. Another study – respondents said they did not regard their lies as serious, did not plan
them, & did not worry about getting caught; averaged ~2 lies/day
C. Communication difficulties may increase level of risk, especially for females
1. ~20% of women believe that they never have the right to stop foreplay, including at
point of intercourse or
a. Refuse to have intercourse even if they have had it before with that partner or
b. Make their own decisions about contraception, regardless of partner's wishes or
c. Ask partner if they have been tested for STDs or
d. Tell partner that they want to make love differently or that partner is being too
rough
2. >40% of young women believe they never have or only sometimes have right to tell
relative that they are not comfortable with being hugged or kissed in certain ways
3. Some young women may not be able to communicate sexual beliefs & desires
clearly & are therefore at risk for undesired outcomes
D. Most important things leading sexologists have learned about sexuality
1. Hard to be honest about past sexual experiences with new partner
2. Some sexual secrets —unless they pose health threat— are better left unshared
3. Nonverbal communication often works better than verbal in bed
4. Talking during sexual activity (sharing fantasies, forbidden words) can be very sexy
5. Couples who have nothing to say to each other in restaurants are usually married &
likely in trouble
6. Open, honest communication is most important foundation for relationship
7. You cannot underestimate the value of humor
8. After humor, consideration is the most important ingredient in sexual relationship;
sensitive, thoughtful partner is appreciated
9. Most people are uncomfortable talking about sexual issues
10. Consent requires communication
11. It is better to talk about sexual feelings, desires &boundaries in relationships
12. Talking about scenes in movies & books can sometimes be good way to
communicate what you like in sex & relationships