1
JOAN of ARCADIA
“Hearing Voices”
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. CATHEDRAL – DAY
It’s a bright, Sunday morning and there are firemen and
EMTs rushing around the recently-charred cathedral, which
is still smoldering.
WILL GIRARDI and TONI WILLIAMS have just arrived at the
scene and are talking with DOMINIC CHIVELLE, the fire
chief.
DOMINIC
It wasn’t an accident. It doesn’t have
any of the signs of an electrical fire,
and the arsonist didn’t exactly try to
cover it up.
WILL
He left a calling card?
DOMINIC
You could call it that. You could also
call it a combination of creativity in
landscaping and an overt guilt-trip.
He leads Will and Toni around to the side of the church
where the lawn has been burnt to spell out the words GOD
SEES ALL in cursive letters.
WILL
See, this sort of thing is the reason I
stopped going to church.
TONI
Ok, so God didn’t do this. But who
did? Disgruntled member of the
congregation? Someone who’s been
burned by the church before? No pun
intended.
DOMINIC
2
You should ask the priest about that.
He’s inside the church. If you need
anything else, come and get me.
There’s still a lot of clean-up to do.
Dominic walks away and Toni and Will
look at each other.
TONI
You wanna check it out?
WILL
Toni, I haven’t been to church on a
Sunday in eight years, let alone talked
to a priest. You handle it, I’ll check
for witnesses.
A young EMT runs up to them.
EMT
They told me to come get one of you
guys – we found something on the
victim!
TONI
I’ll go.
WILL
Toni! Hey, I told you I’m not
comfortable with this.
TONI
It’s an investigation, Will, not a
confessional. I’ll be there to bail
you out as soon as I can.
She pats him on the shoulder and heads off with the EMT.
Will sighs and heads toward the church.
INT. CHURCH SANCTUARY – DAY
The back of the sanctuary is charred, but it appears the
fire didn’t have time to reach the front. An elderly
priest, FATHER MATTHEWS sits in the front row. Will
surveys the damage as he walks towards the priest. A few
firefighters are also inspecting the building. Will walks
3
around the pews to face the priest, who is sitting with his
head solemnly bowed.
WILL
Excuse me, Father. I’m Will Girardi,
I’m a detective for the city. I’m very
sorry for what’s happened here today,
but I need to ask you a few questions,
would you mind following me outside?
FATHER MATTHEWS
Hello, Detective. You’re welcome to
talk with me, but until the
firefighters tell me this building is
unsafe, I won’t be leaving.
Will takes a deep breath.
WILL
Ok, we can stay here for now. Can you
tell me specifically what happened this
morning?
FATHER MATTHEWS
We were attacked. A man came – we were
in the middle of communion and when I
looked up I saw a fire in the entryway.
I told everyone to remain calm, and
sent Father Garcia to investigate so I
could continue performing the
sacrament, but the fire started to
spread and people started to scream . .
.
The Father gets quiet.
WILL
Then what happened?
FATHER MATTHEWS
The this man, this stranger with wild
hair came in and started yelling at
people, I don’t remember what, terrible
things about pouring out God’s wrath,
and that if we ran he would shoot us.
WILL
4
Did anyone try and stop him?
FATHER MATTHEWS
Father Garcia . . . he’s new, from
Detroit, he just started with us . . .
he tackled him from behind which gave
others time to escape.
(beat)
Meanwhile I ran like a coward to hide
behind the podium.
Will sees Toni walk in and he breathes a sigh of relief.
WILL
And Father Garcia?
FATHER MATTHEWS
You must be briefed on this kind of
thing, Detective. He was stabbed in
the chest. With God’s grace he will
survive, I’ve been praying unceasingly,
but -Toni walks up to them.
TONI
So I talked to the paramedics. They
couldn’t save Garcia, but they learned
something from him.
When Matthews hears this he bows his head again.
FATHER MATTHEWS
We all have much to learn from our martyrs.
That’s true, too.
to this:
TONI
But I was referring
She holds up a plastic evidence bag that contains a little
piece of paper, similar to what you’d find in a fortune
cookie. It has three letters on it.
TONI
It was probably just an accident, but
he managed to rip this off of the
guy’s shirt when he tackled him.
5
WILL
A dry-cleaning tag?
TONI
We find the dry cleaners this came
from and they should have all our
man’s contact info on file.
Will breaks into a smile.
WILL
Let’s hit the phone books.
Off his look –
CUT TO:
MAIN TITLES
INT. GIRARDI KITCHEN – DAY
LUKE GIRARDI is sitting at the table drinking orange juice
and reading the Sunday comics. HELEN GIRARDI is making
French toast.
LUKE
(reading aloud, deadpan)
And then the other dog says, “If you
REALLY caught the mailman, why aren’t
you wearing his hat?”
Luke puts the paper down with an exasperated sigh.
LUKE (con’t)
Mom, when you were a kid were the
comics ever actually funny?
HELEN
Well, I liked Garfield.
LUKE
It’s like one of the formal properties
of comics is blandness. The joke is
that you’re being told that something’s
6
funny when it fact it isn’t.
irony, only more boring.
It’s like
HELEN
Blandness is not a formal property of
comics. I had a professor in college
who worked on underground commix in the
‘60s, and he referred to it as
“sequential art.” There’s a long
history of comic strips challenging
social standards –
LUKE
OK, Mom, it was supposed to be a joke.
Obviously not as subversive as
Garfield, but nothing to get bent out
of shape about.
HELEN
I wasn’t getting bent out of shape.
JOAN GIRARDI rushes into the kitchen, breezing past her
mother and fumbles with the bag of bread.
HELEN
Hey, that bread’s for my French toast.
Where’s the fire?
Joan shoves two pieces of bread into the toaster and leans
impatiently on the counter.
HELEN (con’t)
Joan?
JOAN
Sorry, I stopped responding to that
question when I realized that not only
was there no fire, but you knew there
was no fire, and were in fact only
trying to be clever.
HELEN
I just wanted to know what you’re up to
today.
JOAN
Hanging out.
7
HELEN
Hanging out?
LUKE
Sure, it’s like the official teenage
pastime.
HELEN
Who are you hanging out with?
JOAN
Adam and Grace. And I’m late.
wrong with this toaster?
What’s
LUKE
Is it plugged in?
Joan looks. It’s not. She throws her hands up in the air
in frustration, pops the un-toasted bread from the toaster,
grabs it and heads for the door.
HELEN
If you stick around, I am making a
fancy breakfast this morning.
JOAN
Gotta run!
She exits, bread in her mouth, and the door slams behind
her.
Helen looks a little dejected holding a spatula in hand.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOUSE IN THE WOODS – DAY
It’s a slightly run-down house with vinyl siding and a
gravel driveway, surrounded by pine trees. A beat-up old
jeep sits in the grass next to the garage. Will stands
with a walkie-talkie next to his patrol car, one of three
parked in the driveway. TONI sits in the police car
listening to the CB. A couple of POLICE OFFICERS stand
nearby, guns ready.
POLICE OFFICER 1
8
Yeah, that house definitely doesn’t
have a washing machine.
POLICE OFFICER 2
Lucky for us.
They’ve been talking quietly, but Will shushes them.
TONI
Ok, we’re good to go.
WILL
(into walkie-talkie)
Ok guys, let’s do this quick and clean.
The police officers near Will as well as a squad of about
FOUR OTHER POLICE OFFICERS, convene on the house. Two bust
in the front door, two guard the front and two more swing
around to the back.
TONI
Are you sure it was a good idea to move
in this quickly? We don’t know how
dangerous this guy is.
Suddenly, the old beat up jeep springs to life and rattles
off toward the forest. Will and Toni turn with a start and
almost immediately start firing at the jeep.
They blow out both the back tires and soon the jeep chugs
to a stop.
Will runs toward the Jeep, calling into his walkie-talkie.
He’s in the car!
WILL
I need backup!
As he approaches the jeep two more officers run from the
house and help surround the vehicle. It’s a bit tense, as
they’re all waiting for the man to bolt from the car, but
after a few moments, nothing happens and Will slowly walks
up to the driver’s side window.
WILL
Put your hands on the steering wheel!!
9
He slaps his badge on the window, and looks in. The man
sitting there is RUBEN SHELLSBURG. He wears a tie-dyed
shirt and has a neatly-cut beard. He’s got his hands
firmly on the steering wheel and he looks up at Will with a
resigned, faraway look in his eyes.
He and Will just stare at each other for a beat until Toni
and another cop come to cover Will. Will then opens the
driver’s side door.
WILL
Ruben Shellsburg, you’re under arrest
for arson and first degree murder.
SHELLSBURG
Oh, I know, I know.
He offers his hands to Will’s handcuffs, all the while
staring at the sky. Will thinks this guy is nuts.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWSROOM – DAY
KEVIN GIRARDI is at his desk, typing. Nearby, ANDY
MCCALISTER is at his own desk, going through stacks of
paper. REBECCA ASKEW walks up to Andy and hands him a
piece of paper with corrections on it.
REBECCA
Great column, Andy, probably your best
in the series on spinning success from
random events yet, and considering how
well received these have been, that’s
saying something.
ANDY
Rebecca, lay off of the false praise,
alright? The column is apparently not
ready for syndication, I don’t need
anyone sugarcoating it for me,
especially not YOU.
REBECCA
Listen, I submitted you both because I
think you’re both worthy for a wider
audience. Not just Mason.
10
ANDY
Hmm. You wouldn’t know that by looking
at the publicity push you’ve been
giving him. I know I never got a
billboard.
REBECCA
I can’t believe you’re holding a grudge
against him like this! He did exactly
what your series is about – took a
random, unfortunate event, in this case
cancer, and made it into something
positive.
ANDY
I don’t have a grudge against Mason,
I’m just tired of you playing
favorites.
REBECCA
Well fine, you’re my favorite careers
columnist, then, ok?
Andy sighs and Rebecca walks away.
Kevin rolls up to her.
KEVIN
What was that all about?
REBECCA
Andy’s jealous because Mason’s column
about his struggle with lung cancer got
picked up by weeklies in Dallas, Boston
and Seattle and no one bid on his. And
yeah, maybe I am a bit biased, but
Mason’s a sweet guy and he deserves a
little success after all he’s been
through.
KEVIN
His stuff is good, but I don’t think
I’ve ever met the guy.
REBECCA
You wouldn’t have, he works at home.
But if you want the chance, the other
papers are asking for a press
11
release/bio about him to run with his
first syndicated column. I thought we
could put it in our next issue, too.
You wanna write it?
KEVIN
I don’t know much about lung cancer . .
.
So? Look
checker.
best guys
technical
REBECCA
it up if you need to, factThis is a bio on one of the
in the business, not a
piece.
She walks away and Kevin rolls back to his desk to begin
research.
CUT TO:
INT. MALL ARCADE – DAY
Joan, GRACE POLK and ADAM ROVE are at one of those arcades
in the mall where you play games to get tickets you can
redeem for lame prizes. It’s cleverly titled VIDEO
ARCADIA. They’re all playing ski-ball, one to a lane.
Joan is particularly bad at it.
JOAN
It’s like, she wants to know every
little detail about my life. Is the
word “privacy” even in her vocabulary?
GRACE
Oh yeah, playing ski-ball. Big,
scandalous secret right there.
JOAN
That’s not the point, it’s like she’s
the reason they call it sMOTHERing.
GRACE
Ok, Girardi, puns are outlawed from
here on out. I don’t care how pissed
you are.
ADAM
12
I think your mom’s cool.
GRACE
Yeah, your parents may be narcs, but
it’s not quite the complete end of
civilization that you’re describing.
JOAN
You guys don’t have to live with her.
ADAM
Yo, we go to school with her.
GRACE
What you really should be concerned
about is improving your ski-ball game,
but it looks like that would be like
asking Friedman to bathe regularly.
JOAN
I’m getting better!
Joan rolls a ball down the lane, misses completely. She
has zero points and the machine spits out one ticket.
GRACE
You’re just lucky they give out
sympathy tickets.
ADAM
Hey, the new Stealth Jam game is open,
I’m gonna go check it out, if that’s
chill.
The other two shrug a sort of indifference.
Adam runs off.
JOAN
Stealth Jam?
GRACE
It’s Stealth Jam 4 if I’m not mistaken.
You know how Rove gets into that stuff.
I don’t really get it. In fact, I
don’t even know why I’m here.
JOAN
13
To become a ski-ball master? For the
fame and the glory? And all the great
prizes?
GRACE
Yeah, I’m really jonesing for a giant,
pink stuffed bunny. I’ll be outside.
Good luck at the mastery thing.
She wanders off, leaving Joan alone to finish her game.
JOAN
Come on, Twenty points.
there!
It’s right
She rolls a ball up the ramp, gets nothing. Joan stomps up
and down in frustration. She tries again with the same
result.
A tough-looking BIKER in a leather jacket comes up to the
machine on Joan’s right, puts some quarters in and starts
playing. He scores 500 right off the bat.
Joan watches him score another 500 and tries to take notes,
then rolls another ball and fails. The biker on the other
hand, can’t seem to lose. Joan timidly tugs on his jacket.
JOAN
Hey, uh, do you think you could give me
some pointers to help out my game?
BIKER
Feh, you need more than help, sweet
cheeks, you need a miracle.
Joan sighs.
BIKER (con’t)
Which I’m afraid I’m not going to grant
right at this moment.
She looks up at him.
Biker God.
JOAN
Why not? Like what damage would it do
if I had some skills at just this one
little thing?
14
BIKER GOD
No one can be good at everything, Joan.
Now I think you’d be better off
spending your free time learning how to
crochet.
JOAN
Oh what, like in your professional
opinion?
Biker God just shrugs, rolls another 500.
him.
Joan stares at
JOAN (con’t)
Don’t you think this is sort of a weird
form for you to appear in to tell me
how to crochet? I mean it’s kind of
like if Martha Stewart showed up and
told me to take up mud wrestling.
A LITTLE OLD LADY steps up to the machine to Joan’s left
and puts some quarters in.
JOAN
I mean, you’re almighty; you could at
least pick an appropriate costume.
LITTLE OLD LADY
Is this more of what you had in mind?
Joan looks at the Little Old Lady, back at Biker God (still
racking up the points) and does a double-take. She freaks
out, but doesn’t know who to direct her rant towards.
JOAN
What, are you EVERYBODY now? Is
everybody in this whole arcade going to
come up to me and tell me to take up
knitting, or cross-stitching -Biker God speaks without missing a beat.
BIKER GOD
Crochet.
JOAN
15
Are you trying to drive me CRAZY?
LITTLE OLD LADY GOD
Now, calm down, dear.
JOAN
I get the point; I suck at ski-ball!
Little Old Lady God has missed all of her shots while
playing ski ball and she rests a gentle hand on Joan’s arm.
It’s ok.
LITTLE OLD LADY GOD
So do I.
Biker God walks past Joan and Little Old Lady God takes his
arm as they walk out of the arcade together.
JOAN
You’re impossible! Both of you!
She looks around the arcade quickly, wondering who else
might be God.
JOAN
ALL of you!
She bends down and rips the long stream of tickets from
Biker God’s machine.
JOAN
Crochet.
Sheesh.
She shakes her head as she heads off with the tickets.
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
Will and UNDERSHERRIF ROY ROEBUCK are walking through the
station.
WILL
So our own domestic terrorist isn’t
doing so well?
ROEBUCK
16
He thinks he’s doing fine, that’s the
problem. He claims full
responsibility, exhibits no remorse . .
. on a case like this the judge won’t
let him plead guilty, but right now it
looks like that’s what he’s going to
try.
WILL
You want me to talk to him?
ROEBUCK
You can give it a shot. The guy’s a
talker. We had a couple of guys go in
there to try and strong-arm him and he
turned it into a psychotherapy session.
WILL
These creeps always want to talk about
themselves.
Will heads down the hallyway.
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY
Will sits across the table from Shellsburg, who now wears
orange prison clothes. Shellsburg has an unusually casual
air about him. He takes a drink of water.
SHELLSBURG
Are you a religious man, Detective
Girardi?
WILL
We’re not here to talk about me.
SHELLSBURG
Raised Catholic?
Will pauses for a second.
Shellsburg called it.
WILL
That is irrelevant -SHELLSBURG
17
Oh, but you don’t practice any more.
Not too sure about the whole thing.
Will tries not to show his surprise that Shellsburg nailed
him so quickly, but he flinches. Shellsburg smiles.
SHELLSBURG (con’t)
I’m good at reading people. Your
department could probably use me.
WILL
Times like this, you could die for what
you did out there yesterday. You gonna
tell me that doesn’t bother you?
SHELLSBURG
Bother me, Detective Girardi? I’m not
afraid to die. If I had been, you
think you would have caught me so
quickly?
WILL
Oh, so now you wanted to get caught?
Let me guess, that was part of your
plan all along, right?
SHELLSBURG
Detective, getting caught had nothing
to do with my plan and it had even less
to do with YOURS. It’s all about
destiny. The reason I’m not afraid any
more is because I stopped running from
mine.
WILL
Oh yeah? And besides a life sentence,
what is your “destiny,” Shellsburg?
SHELLSBURG
My destiny is to obey God, Detective.
WILL
And God told you to burn down a CHURCH?
SHELLSBURG
Oh yes, Detective. He was quite
specific about the whole thing. He
18
even told me where to find the
gasoline.
Will isn’t sure what to say.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE.
19
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. MASON ROW’S HOUSE – DAY
The house is pleasant and sunny, all sorts of sports
trophies and memorabilia line the walls. Kevin sits in the
living room as a baseball game plays on TV.
MASON ROW, a thin man in his late ‘30s, walks in with two
glasses of water and gives on to Kevin. He wears a skull
cap and a large baseball jersey.
MASON
They say you’re supposed to drink eight
glasses of water a day.
KEVIN
Yeah, but I don’t think I’ve ever met
anyone who actually goes through with
that.
MASON
Well, now you have. My great aunt
lived to be 97 unaided by any medical
treatment except her eight glasses of
water and a massage once a week.
He pulls out a pill bottle and empties it into his hand.
There are six pills of various sizes and shapes. Mason
swallows one.
MASON
Not all of us are as lucky, but I do
what I can.
Kevin takes a long drink of water. Mason continues taking
the pills over the course of their conversation.
KEVIN
I can’t believe all these pictures
you’ve got up on your wall – I mean, I
used to be hardcore into baseball and
even I don’t know who some of these
guys are.
20
MASON
Well, when you’re the lead sports
reporter it’s the sort of stuff that
you have to know.
KEVIN
You were the lead sports writer?
MASON
Rebecca didn’t tell you that?
KEVIN
Uh, no, I just figured you were like,
you know, a normal reporter.
Mason shakes his head.
KEVIN (Con’t)
I know you wouldn’t think so now, but I
was big into baseball – I had a
scholarship –
MASON
Back up a bit there, kid.
made mistake number one.
You just
KEVIN
What?
MASON
Now I only played in high school and we
were a small town, so we didn’t have
this when I played, but a lot of
schools now use video play-back as part
of their training.
KEVIN
Yeah, we used that.
MASON
You watch all their tapes, figure out
how they work, strengths and
weaknesses, right? So you know ‘em
front to back. Reporting’s a lot like
that, kid. You go in blindly, without
your research and you’re gonna miss the
21
ball. But if you know what you’ve got
coming, there’s a good chance you’ll
knock it outta the park.
KEVIN
I read your columns, none of them had
anything to do with sports!
MASON
That’s because I didn’t want those
columns to be about sports, I wanted
them to be about cancer. Now were you
gonna ask me some questions or what?
Kevin gets out his notebook.
CUT TO:
INT. GIRARDI HOUSE – NIGHT
Joan comes through the front door carrying a bag from a
craft shop. She tries to quietly close the door behind her
and slink away upstairs, but Helen is there, oven-mitted to
intercept her.
HELEN
Well look who’s back! I was beginning
to think we could stop calling you Miss
Joan Girardi and start calling you
Missing or MYSTerious Joan Girardi.
Mom.
Puns?
JOAN
Not so funny.
HELEN
What’s with the attack on humor around
here lately?
Luke walks through the entryway eating an apple.
LUKE
Humor is good. Jokes are bad. Our
generation is more able to relate to
the use of non-sequiturs as vehicles to
expose the absurdities of accepted
conventions than knock-knock jokes.
22
JOAN
This from the boy raised on Bill Nye
the Science Guy.
HELEN
Is it too much to ask where you were
today?
JOAN
Is it too much to ask for a little
privacy?
HELEN
You could at least make something up so
I don’t worry about drugs or sex or, or
cults –
JOAN
Fine, we all went down to the sock hop
and danced the hokey pokey. How’s
that?
An OVEN TIMER goes off in the kitchen.
Helen jumps.
HELEN
The lasagna!
(to Joan, stern)
This isn’t over.
She runs into the kitchen.
Luke looks at Jane.
LUKE
Remind me not to ask you for help when
I need a convincing alibi. So where
were you really?
He reaches into Joan’s bag and pulls out purple yarn and
crochet needles.
JOAN
Hey!
LUKE
Your big secret is knitting needles?
Joan takes the crochet stuff back from him.
23
JOAN
My “big secret” happens to be CROCHET,
and before you say anything, crochet is
hip now. You know, it’s like making
your own clothes is the new buying
other people’s old clothes.
LUKE
Okay, so is it like unhip to admit to
parents that being domestic is hip? I
mean, I think Mom would be all about
that.
JOAN
Exactly! And that’s the problem.
She’d turn it into some smothering
“mother-daughter bonding” thing like
when I told her I was looking for the
brown sugar and she took it as an
opportunity to teach me every secret
recipe in the Girardi family cookbook,
all of which I managed to screw up
royally.
Will comes in the front door and hangs his coat in the hall
closet. He overhears Joan and Luke’s conversation.
LUKE
Oh yes, the week of too much salt,
followed immediately by the week of not
enough salt.
WILL
Uh oh, is Joan cooking again tonight?
JOAN
I’m still indefinitely banned from
anything higher than the microwave.
WILL
That’s good to hear, honey.
(he kisses her on the
forehead)
Because no offense, but I just couldn’t
take that tonight.
He walks towards the dining room, and the kids follow.
24
CUT TO:
INT. GIRARDI DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Will, Joan and Luke gather around the table as Helen brings
out the lasagna.
WILL
Had to stay late interrogating the guy
who set a church on fire and stabbed a
priest in the chest.
LUKE
Ah, the usual appetizing conversation.
JOAN
See, if my day was like that, I would
tell you about it.
HELEN
No, you wouldn’t.
(calls out)
KEVIN! This lasagna won’t last!
WILL
So what was your day like, Joan?
JOAN
Went to the mall with Adam and Grace.
Blew all my quarters on ski-ball.
Helen throws her hands in the air in exasperation.
What?
JOAN (con’t)
He wasn’t nagging!
Kevin rolls up to the table.
KEVIN
Sorry, I was researching lung cancer.
LUKE
Everyone in this family has such
uplifting lives.
KEVIN
25
Hey dad, is it true about that burning
down the church guy?
LUKE
Just focus on the pasta . . .
WILL
Well, it’ll be all over the news
tomorrow regardless, so yeah. He
thinks he was sent by God.
Joan almost dumps a forkful of lasagna into her lap.
WILL (con’t)
Which is a pain because it means I’ve
got to go testify in court tomorrow
instead of being out on the street
where I could actually be useful.
KEVIN
What’s there to testify for? There
were dozens of witnesses so it’s
obvious he did it, and he thinks God
told him to do it, so he’s obviously a
nutcase.
WILL
Well, it’s not that simple. A case as
serious as this has to go to trial, but
Shellsburg believes he acted in clear
conscious and wants to represent
himself, even though he’s clearly not
competent. Right now he’s saying he
wants to plead guilty, which isn’t
going to fly. But I need to be there
to testify for his screwiness in case
he changes his mind and goes the
“guilty by reason of insanity” route.
JOAN
Wait, so he’s being forced to plead a
certain way? That doesn’t seem very
democratic.
WILL
Once you start killing people those
rights tend to go away. But really,
26
this is fairer for everyone – at least
there will be a discussion. I just
wish I didn’t have to be a part of it.
JOAN
Hey, do you think I could . . . come to
the trial with you tomorrow?
HELEN
No.
WILL
Helen, it –
HELEN
She’s missed enough school as it is.
And I don’t want her -JOAN
(interrupts)
Can we not talk about me in the third
person while I’m still sitting at the
table? Tomorrow there’s an assembly,
so there’s only class until noon, and I
need the extra credit for my government
class.
Helen gives her a dubious look.
JOAN (con’t)
I REALLY need the extra credit.
WILL
She could learn something about the
legal process.
LUKE
Yeah, so she can prepare for the next
time she’s arrested.
Helen relents with a shrug.
KEVIN
Objection overruled.
EXT./EST. – NEWSPAPER OFFICE – DAY
27
INT. NEWSROOM – DAY
Kevin sits at his desk sorting through papers. He is on
the phone. Rebecca watches him from across the room.
Ok, thank you.
Thanks. Bye.
KEVIN
Yes, I’ll let you know.
He hangs up the phone and Rebecca walks over to him.
REBECCA
Got that story for me yet?
KEVIN
Um, no, because I haven’t started
writing it yet.
REBECCA
Ok, Kevin, personal affection aside,
you’d better have a damn good reason
for not doing the assignments I give
you if you want to stay gainfully
employed here.
KEVIN
Mason was ragging on me to do my
research, so I’ve been reverting to
fact-checker mode. But some of this
stuff doesn’t add up.
REBECCA
What are you talking about?
there to “add up?”
What is
KEVIN
Well, when he was popping all these
pills when I went over there, but as
far as I can tell, pills aren’t usually
used for cancer treatment and -REBECCA
That’s just Mason. He always took lots
of cold and headache pills. Called it
“preventive medicine.” And you never
28
know, maybe they have him on some sort
of clinical trial.
KEVIN
They’re pneumonia pills. Yet he said
nothing about having pneumonia.
REBECCA
Kevin, this is not an expose and you
are neither Woodward nor Bernstein.
This is a human-interest piece about
one of the nicest guys you will EVER
meet so I want you to drop the
investigative journalism and put the
petal to the metal.
KEVIN
Are you telling me to lie?
REBECCA
Of course not. I’m telling you I need
a story to run in an hour.
She is about to leave, but Kevin grabs her arm and stops
her.
KEVIN
Stop and listen to me! I just got off
the phone with his parents and it turns
out they don’t even know he HAS lung
cancer –
She stares him down.
REBECCA
So he didn’t tell them. I’m sure he
has his reasons, but now is not the
time. We’re on deadline, Kevin, just
write the story.
She pulls herself away and storms off, leaving Kevin to sit
there and fume.
CUT TO:
INT. COURT ROOM – DAY
29
Joan and Will sit in the back of the courtroom as the
arraignment is brought to session. Joan is trying to
crochet and she is actually not doing too badly.
Will nudges her and she looks up to see Shellsburg, dressed
in dark blue prison clothes, being led into the court room
in shackles and handcuffs. He still has his beard and wild
hair.
JOAN
That’s him?
Will nods. Joan examines Shellsburg, watches as he slowly
scoots out a chair and sits down at the defendant’s table.
He pours a very deliberate glass of water from the pitcher
sitting on the table and moves the cup to his lips.
Joan is transfixed and a little frightened – she can’t look
away from the man.
PLAINTIFF
All rise!
Joan is startled by the PLAINTIFF’S voice and by everyone
in the court room, including her father, standing up. She
scrambles to join them.
The JUDGE comes in and sits at his podium.
PLAINTIFF
You may be seated.
Joan, Will and the rest of the court sit down.
PLANTIFF (con’t)
The court will now come to order for
the matter of the State versus Ruben
Shellsburg.
JUDGE
Will the defendant please rise.
Shellsburg slowly scoots his chair out from the table and
Joan finds herself feeling very nervous as he stands.
JUDGE (con’t)
30
Ruben Shellsburg, you are charged with
arson and murder in the first degree.
Do you understand the nature of these
charges and that you could face
punishment up to and including life in
prison if you are convicted?
Shellsburg nods calmly.
JUDGE
You have the right to an attorney. If
you are unable to afford one, the court
will appoint one for you. Do you have
an attorney at this time?
SHELLSBURG
I plan on representing myself, your
honor.
JUDGE
Mr. Shellsburg, I’m going to advise you
against refusing the services of an
attorney.
SHELLSBURG
Your honor, I know the law and I know
what I did. I’m not ashamed and I
certainly don’t need an agent of your
system twisting the truth or covering
up for me. I struck out at a corrupt
institution and I am not remorseful. I
have a higher authority to answer to
than this courtroom. I had my
instructions from God, and I carried
them out. Compared to that, how can
you possibly say that you have
authority, your HONOR?
The judge has had quite enough of this, and the courtroom
is starting to get a bit restless. He signals for the
court police officers to remove Shellsburg from the
courtroom.
JUDGE
I have the authority granted me by the
people of this country, MISTER
Shellsburg. And by that authority, I
31
am appointing you an attorney and
scheduling you for a pre-trial hearing
next month.
SHELLSBURG
It won’t be me on trial, but your own,
quite transient, legal system.
The police officers take a hold of Shellsburg and begin to
escort him from the courtroom. As they do he speaks
forcefully to the audience in the courtroom.
SHELLSBURG (con’t)
You may detain or even destroy me, but
you can’t stop progress for I am not
God’s only agent in the world.
His eyes are wild, but Joan could have sworn he was talking
directly to her. She shivers and clings to her father.
The police finally drag Shellsburg from the room.
JUDGE
Enter the defendant’s plea as “not
guilty.” I want a comprehensive
psychiatric report on him before his
next hearing.
With this Shellsburg’s arraignment ends. The court
reshuffles, people start moving in and out. Joan and Will
stand and get ready to leave.
WILL
Well, this isn’t the best way to be
exposed to the US legal system.
JOAN
Heh, at least it’s not boring.
Joan starts to leave and expects Will to follow her, but he
motions that he’s going to be going out the other way.
WILL
I’ve got to go deal with the fallout of
this, can you get home on your own?
Joan nods half-heartedly.
32
JOAN
Yeah, I’ll go check out the framed
photocopies of the Constitution and
catch the bus back in a little bit.
Will kisses her on the forehead.
WILL
I’ll see you at home.
He goes out the door the court policemen dragged Shellsburg
through. Joan slumps into one of the benches. She pulls
out her crochet stuff and looks at it for a minute, then
hesitantly stuffs it back into her purse.
She walks out the back doors of the courtroom.
CUT TO:
INT. COURTHOUSE HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
Joan is visibly upset as she walks down the hallway, but
seeing as everyone else around her seems to be wellcomposed and wearing suits, she tries to reel in her
emotions.
She puts on a business-like expression and walks up to a
man who is reading a plaque on the wall and looks like a
LAWYER.
JOAN
Excuse me, how can lawyers tell if
someone’s crazy or not? Is that the
comprehensive psychiatric report thing?
The lawyer laughs.
LAWYER
There are lots of ways to determine
sanity, but for the court system it’s
essentially a morality issue. The legal
definition of insanity in this country
is the inability to morally determine
between right and wrong.
JOAN
33
But if you know something is morally
wrong and you do it anyway, isn’t THAT
crazy in itself?
LAWYER
You mean like blackmailing your brother
into doing your physics homework even
though you know that means you won’t
learn anything?
He starts walking down the hall and Joan follows him.
JOAN
Hey, nobody’s perfect.
It hits her.
JOAN
. . . nobody except you, right?
Yup, it’s Lawyer God. He smiles slyly.
JOAN (con’t)
It’s ironic, isn’t it. You of all
people – beings – whatever, are
probably the only one who can answer my
question, and yet you’re also the only
one I KNOW I won’t get a real answer
from.
She follows him out of the courthouse.
CUT TO:
EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS – CONTINUOUS
God pauses for a minute on the steps and adjusts his tie.
LAWYER GOD
You just pointed out that insanity’s
not exactly a clear-cut issue, Joan. A
person’s mental health can’t be summed
up in a yes or no answer.
He then grabs a briefcase and heads down the stairs.
yells after him.
JOAN
Joan
34
Alright then, Almighty! I’ve got a
question that CAN be answered true or
false.
He turns to listen to her.
JOAN (con’t)
Were you talking to Shellsburg?
LAWYER GOD
True.
With that he walks away from her and disappears into the
crowd, leaving Joan standing on the steps, stunned and
speechless.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
35
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
INT. GIRARDI FAMILY ROOM – NIGHT
Helen sits on the couch grading essays. Joan walks in with
a textbook, quite distressed and distracted. She sees
Helen and sort of mumbles:
JOAN
Oh, sorry.
She starts to leave.
HELEN
Hey, I didn’t hear you come home. I
must have been more into these essays
than I thought. How was the trial?
JOAN
It wasn’t a trial, it was an
arraignment.
Oh, excuse me.
ARRAIGNMENT?
HELEN
How was the
JOAN
It was fine.
HELEN
So does that mean I won’t have to be
paying for law school any time in the
near future?
JOAN
Mom, I don’t even know if I’m going to
college.
She starts to leave again.
HELEN
You can study in here, I don’t mind.
JOAN
36
Mom, having you grade papers on one
side of the room and me writing one on
the other side of the room would be a
serious breach of treaty. It’d be like
if the Trojans and the Greeks ate
breakfast together.
HELEN
We do eat breakfast together.
JOAN
Can we not talk about this?
She exits to the kitchen.
Helen calls after her.
HELEN
Joan, are you OK?
JOAN (OS)
YES.
CUT TO:
INT. GIRARDI KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
Joan flops down at the kitchen table and opens her
notebook. She flips it closed again. She gets up, goes to
the cupboard and pours herself a bowl of cereal.
There’s a sound of the FRONT DOOR and as Joan sets the
cereal bowl onto of her notebook, Will walks in.
WILL
So is this homework for your nutrition
class?
JOAN
Yeah, we’re researching why you eat
different foods at different times of
the day. Tomorrow I’m going to have
mashed potatoes for breakfast.
WILL
Really?
JOAN
37
No, I just can’t concentrate on
anything. Well, anything except Fruit
Loops. And that guy in court.
WILL
The world is full of all sorts of
nutcases, Joan. Believe me, I’ve met
‘em. There are people out there who
will believe every single bizarre thing
you can think of. Welcome to America.
Joan sniffs.
Will sits down at the table across from her.
WILL (con’t)
Is there something you wanted to talk
about?
JOAN
Does Shellsburg have visiting hours?
Why?
you?
WILL
You don’t want to visit him, do
JOAN
Maybe. No. I don’t know. I mean,
what if he really IS from God? I know
it sounds crazy, but . . . what if?
WILL
Oh, honey . . .
JOAN
No, I mean, SOMEONE has to be from God,
right?
WILL
First of all, sweetheart, they won’t
let you in to see Shellsburg, so don’t
try it. I’d have to put YOU through
extensive psychological review.
Secondly, do you know who John Lennon
is?
JOAN
The guy in the Beatles?
communist guy?
Or was he the
38
WILL
The Beatles. He wrote a song called
“Imagine,” and goodness knows I’m not
going to sing it, but the lyrics are
something like “imagine there’s no
heaven, and no religion too . . .
imagine all those people, living life
in peace.”
JOAN
What does that mean?
WILL
People do crazy things and justify it
by saying that God told them so and
that makes it right. In my experience
all the idea of God has brought us is
crusades and jihads, not love and
peace.
Joan thinks about this for a minute
JOAN
But what about people who do GOOD
things in God’s name? Like helping the
poor and stuff? Then there’d be no
Gandhi or Mother Theresa either.
WILL
I don’t know, I just think any god who
would tell people to do things like
burn down churches AND help starving
people in Africa must have to have a
pretty sick sense of humor.
JOAN
You can say that again.
Will laughs.
He gets up and claps her shoulder.
WILL
You just gotta figure stuff out on your
own, kiddo. Imagine not having to
listen to some psycho you don’t know .
. . you can think for yourself.
39
Joan thinks hard for a moment, then closes up her notebook
and gets up.
JOAN
I’m going for a walk. Gonna think for
myself.
As she turns to leave she sees her mother standing in the
entrance to the kitchen watching her sadly – Helen would
have loved to have a deep conversation with her daughter
like this. Joan brushes past her.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWSROOM – NIGHT
Rebecca is sitting in her office desk going over stories.
She holds Kevin’s article on Mason in her hand and ponders
it.
Finally she makes up her mind and walks out of the office.
Most of the staff in the newsroom is getting ready to leave
for the night, including Kevin. Rebecca calls to him.
REBECCA
Kevin!
As he wheels over to her, Rebecca waves down another
staffer, NATALIE, who is on her way to the layout room with
a stack of papers.
REBECCA
Natalie. I want to pull the piece on
Mason. Run Taylor’s filler piece on
British Invasion music in its place,
they’re about the same size.
Natalie nods and shuffles off.
Kevin is miffed.
KEVIN
You’re cutting my article on Mason?
Rebecca, I did everything you told me
to do on that! You practically wrote
it yourself.
REBECCA
40
Listen, I know. And that’s why I’m
cutting it. I can’t stop thinking
about the questions you brought up. We
can’t run an article just based off of
what one person calls the truth.
KEVIN
Well, two people. Him, and you.
REBECCA
Don’t get snitty with me.
have biases.
I know I
KEVIN
So what do you want me to do? Call the
parents back? They’re in a different
time zone.
REBECCA
Wait on that for now. We’re going
straight to the source. He deserves a
chance to set this straight before we
start calling his doctors.
KEVIN
So which one do I get to be?
or Bernstein?
Woodward
He follows her out.
CUT TO:
EXT. ARCADIA STREET – NIGHT
Joan walks down the street with a determined look on her
face. As she turns the corner she nearly runs into Little
Old Lady God.
JOAN
Oh I’m so sorry! Sorry.
LITTLE OLD LADY GOD
A girl like you really shouldn’t be out
on a night like this. You should be
home crocheting.
JOAN
41
Oh, it’s you. I take the apology stuff
back. Whatever happened to that
Eternal Goodness stuff?
LITTLE OLD LADY GOD
You just need to have some faith, Joan.
Faith, whatever.
John Lennon?
JOAN
Haven’t you heard of
LITTLE OLD LADY GOD
I’m a fan!
JOAN
Look, just leave me alone – and don’t
pull the “I’m also the person standing
right next to you” gag. It’s been
done.
She storms off.
CUT TO:
EXT. GRACE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Joan stands on the porch and RINGS the doorbell.
minute the door opens halfway and Grace appears.
GRACE
Girardi. In case you forgot, the rules
are: when I’m at school, I have to deal
with everyone at school. When I’m
hanging out with you and Rove, I only
have to deal with you and Rove. When
I’m at home, I don’t have to deal with
anybody.
Right.
JOAN
And no visiting hours.
GRACE
And yet, here you are.
JOAN
Um, yeah. I’m on a mission. I was
actually hoping I could, um – that is,
After a
42
I was wondering if you had any leftover
arcade tickets because I . . . there’s
that giant pink stuffed bunny and,
well, I can’t stop thinking about it.
But I don’t have enough tickets.
GRACE
I keep thinking one day you’ll finally
run out of weirdness. That’s not going
to happen, is it?
JOAN
With me the weirdness is kind of an
eternal thing.
Grace relents and opens the door wider.
CUT TO:
INT. GRACE’S HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS
Joan takes in Grace’s house, which has faux wood paneling
and red painted molding along with lots of family photos.
GRACE
Wait here, I’ll be right back.
She exits.
When Joan comes out of her “Grace actually let me into her
house” trace a moment later she calls down the hallway:
JOAN
Hey, is your dad home?
No response.
Joan tries again.
JOAN
Grace?
Grace’s Dad, RABBI POLANSKI wanders into the living room
in pajamas and a bathrobe. He has a cup of coffee.
Hi, Joan.
RABBI POLANSKI
Did you need something?
Joan is a bit startled to see him and a bit embarrassed.
43
JOAN
Uh, hi Rabbi Polanski. I’m sorry, were
you about to go to bed?
RABBI POLANSKI
I’ll get there eventually. Let me
guess, you’ve got a question?
He motions for her to take a seat on the couch.
so and he sits in a chair across from her.
She does
JOAN
Hey, nice couch. This is better than
writing into those “Ask the Rabbi”
columns.
He nods for her to continue. In the hallway behind them
Grace is walking back with an armload of redemption tickets
and overhears their conversation.
JOAN
Right. Ok. So, what happens if God
asks someone to do something . . .
immoral? I mean, would He even do
that? What if it’s not even really
God?
RABBI POLANSKI
Well . . . we’re not really in any
position to judge God’s motives, but
no, Joan, he wouldn’t. Sometimes he
may ask people to do things that are
unpopular, and therefore seem immoral
to the rest of society, but –
JOAN
Wait, what do you mean?
RABBI POLANSKI
Sometimes God has things to say that
most people don’t want to hear. When
Jerusalem was under siege from the
Babylonians the prophet Jeremiah called
for the Jews to surrender and move to
Babylon as exiles rather than be
destroyed along with Jerusalem.
44
Grace walks into the living room and plants herself between
Joan and the rabbi.
GRACE
He means sometimes you have to kill
your kids if that’s what God says you
have to do.
JOAN
What?
She dumps the redemption tickets in Joan’s lap.
RABBI POLANSKI
Grace. That’s a different story and
you are interrupting.
Grace ignores him and pulls Joan to her feet.
few strands of tickets.
Joan drops a
GRACE
And sometimes you have to get out of my
house because that’s what I say you
have to do.
JOAN
Wait, I have to hear the end of the
story!
GRACE
You can find all these charming tales
of death and destruction in a very
popular book now available in stores
and most hotel rooms.
Joan is picking up the extra strands of tickets.
JOAN
Grace, please.
Grace sighs.
Joan looks at the Rabbi.
JOAN
What’s the one where they kill the kid?
RABBI POLANSKI
45
It doesn’t go quite like that. Abraham
and his wife Sarah were this really old
couple, too old to have kids, but God
blessed them with a son, Isaac.
GRACE
They were like 100 years old. Try not
to think too much about the conception.
RABBI POLANSKI
When Isaac was younger, but still a
boy, God told Abraham to offer him up
as a sacrifice. So Abraham took Isaac
up on a mountain, bound him and placed
him on the alter. But just as he was
raising his knife to slay him –
GRACE
God just shows and he’s all “hold on, I
was just kidding, use this ram that has
magically appeared behind you as a
sacrifice instead of your kid.” So he
killed the ram and everyone was happy.
Except the ram.
JOAN
Ok, so . . . God will test us by asking
us to do bad things, but he won’t make
us do them? That doesn’t seem right.
RABBI POLANSKI
Well, we have to be willing to do
whatever God says regardless of how we
might perceive the outcome. We know
God is good, and we have to trust that
He’ll lead us to what’s right.
GRACE
And if you happen to have a bratty kid,
then all the better.
RABBI POLANSKI
Abraham loved his son.
GRACE
Sure, that’s what it says.
(to Joan)
46
Alright, Girardi, Jewish hour is up.
Good luck with your stuffed rabbit.
Joan can hardly see over the large pile of redemption
tickets and Grace pulls her out of the house.
CUT TO:
INT. MASON ROW’S KITCHEN – NIGHT
Mason COUGHS violently as he ushers Kevin and Rebecca into
his kitchen. They look at him with concern, but he’s
smiling widely.
MASON
You guys have to read this letter I got
today from the paper in Dallas!
The letter is tacked up on the fridge with a magnet and
Mason takes it down and reads from it.
MASON (con’t)
“As reporters we recognize that truth
is found in objectivity, and are
eternally frustrated that some things,
like the state of a soul or how a
person, not a body, experiences an
illness cannot be fully known by
others. By humbly and honestly
uncovering your own spirit and sickness
you get as close to personal
objectivity as possible – and that is a
true gift. We deeply look forward to
running your column.” This is one of
the nicest letters I’ve ever gotten
from a publisher!
REBECCA
Actually, objectivity is what we came
here to talk to you about tonight,
Mason.
MASON
Well, it seems you have come to the
right guy, huh?
REBECCA
47
Maybe not. Kevin uncovered some stuff
while researching that we wanted to ask
you about.
KEVIN
You’re the one who told me that I
should get all the facts straight, so I
took down the names of the meds on your
pill bottles -MASON
What medications I’m on is my own
business.
REBECCA
Not if you’re writing a syndicated
newspaper column about them.
KEVIN
Nothing you’re taking is in line with
cancer treatment, at least one of your
meds if for pneumonia.
MASON
That’s because –
KEVIN
And your parents don’t even know you’ve
got lung cancer. They think it’s
melanoma.
MASON
You called my parents?
REBECCA
Someone isn’t getting the truth here.
Is it us or them?
Mason coughs violently again
MASON
I’ve got to sit down.
Rebecca grabs chair for him and he collapses into it.
After he stops coughing he looks up at Kevin.
MASON (con’t)
48
Well, I suppose this is what I get for
giving advice.
REBECCA
How much of it did you make up, Mason?
MASON
Rebecca, this is absurd. I don’t “make
things up” . . . I know my subjects
inside and out. I had the best
objective eye in weekly sports, they
said I was like a pitcher . . .
REBECCA
. . . who knows exactly how the batter
will swing even before he steps up to
the plate. I remember.
KEVIN
And yet you don’t even know pitch
you’re throwing yourself.
MASON
Don’t ask me to do this.
REBECCA
I guess being honest about yourself is
harder than even the Dallas Weekly News
thinks.
She turns to leave, but Mason stops her.
MASON
Fine. I don’t have lung cancer and I
don’t have melanoma.
(he coughs again)
I wish that was the end, that’d I’d
made it all up to get an early
retirement. But I’m still sick. It’s
just that I don’t have cancer, I have
AIDS. I don’t even have pneumonia, at
least, not yet. But I’m on the meds
because there’s still a high
possibility.
REBECCA
Why is that?
49
MASON
AIDS.
REBECCA
Oh Mason. Why did you have to lie to
me? We could have helped you!
MASON
It got to the point where I couldn’t
tell anyone the truth, Rebecca. But
now it’s out there. I thought it would
be like a weight off my shoulders, but
all I can think about now is that my
family is going to find out who I
really am, and they are going to HATE
me.
Rebecca crouches down next to him.
REBECCA
I’m so sorry.
MASON
I guess there’s no way we can just keep
this quiet, can we?
Rebecca shakes her head and Mason sighs deeply.
REBECCA
I have to tell the other papers.
Well, hooray.
MASON
AND I lose my job.
Rebecca tries to comfort him, but he pushes her away.
Kevin watches, shocked.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT THREE
50
ACT FOUR
FADE IN:
INT. MALL – DAY
Joan and Luke are cruising the mall. She carries a giant
shopping bag, which is full of Grace’s arcade tickets.
Luke is eating chicken teriyaki on a stick.
LUKE
Joan, there’s something I just can’t
figure out.
JOAN
Oh no, am I contagious?
wouldn’t spread.
I hoped it
Luke ignores her.
LUKE
Why does all food taste better if you
eat it off of a stick?
JOAN
Because it’s more exciting than
silverware and less messy than just
your hands. These are the kind of
things you worry about?
LUKE
Well that and particle physics.
that weird?
Is
JOAN
Yes it’s weird! I wanted you to come
with me because I thought, and who
knows why I thought this, but I thought
you might have some sort of rational
way of looking at things. So sorry.
She walks ahead of Luke.
LUKE
I’m rational.
He walks to catch up with Joan.
51
JOAN
OK, then, atomic-boy. How do you
scientifically explain people hearing
from God? Is it insanity? Supersanity? Is everyone else insane?
LUKE
Is this the guy-who-burned-down-thechurch thing?
Joan shrugs.
LUKE
Well, you get on kind of shaky ground
when you start breaking down sanity
into a scientific concept, but I’d
definitely say that the issue has more
to do with psychology than insanity or
spirituality. We do weird stuff all
the time without knowing exactly why.
Usually there’s some repressed emotion
that’s driving it, but maybe people
can’t understand it so they attribute
it to God?
JOAN
Repressed emotion? Is this like that
Freud subtraction stuff?
LUKE
Sublimination. Take your crocheting
for example. Why did you decide to
start?
JOAN
I don’t know.
LUKE
Exactly. You don’t know. But I would
say that deep down you’re confused
about your identity as a woman in our
post-modern society and crocheting
represents more concrete, old fashioned
gender roles, which you’d like to cling
to for comfort.
52
JOAN
First of all, I lost you at “post
modern.” Secondly, I gave up
crocheting. So what does THAT say
about me?
LUKE
Um, you’ve become a feminist?
They reach the arcade, cleverly titled Video Arcadia.
gives the bag of redemption tickets to Luke.
Joan
JOAN
Find something to spend these on. I’m
going to go work on my ski-ball skills.
LUKE
You gave up crochet and took up skiball.
JOAN
I’m feeling defiant.
She strides into the arcade.
LUKE
Wow, ski-ball is a feminist thing.
That’s new.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWSROOM – DAY
Kevin is at his desk trying to concentrate, but
obviously not able to. Rebecca comes up behind
him carrying some files.
REBECCA
Hey, how you holding up?
KEVIN
I’ll be fine. I thought being an
investigative journalist would be more
uplifting or something. How is Mason
holding up?
53
REBECCA
I don’t know. He would talk to me when
I called this morning other than to say
that he’s leaving town.
KEVIN
I wanna do something for him. You’re
gonna have to run an article explaining
his departure, let me go there and
interview him – he deserves the first
chance to tell what happened, you said
so yourself.
REBECCA
I don’t know, Kevin, I don’t think
he’ll want to -KEVIN
This is my fault, I have to do
something!
REBECCA
You did the right thing, Kevin, you
don’t have to apologize for that.
KEVIN
Doesn’t feel that way. Let me write
the article. Please.
Rebecca nods her head yes and walks away.
CUT TO:
INT. MALL ARCADE – DAY
Joan stands next to the ski ball machine and she rubs her
hands together.
JOAN
Ok, let’s go, Joan. Ski-ball
championships, here I come.
She picks up a ball and bowls it very dramatically. It
misses. She tries again and gets 500 points. She jumps up
and down.
JOAN (con’t)
54
Yeah!
game!
Oh yeah, take that you stupid
I win!
Biker God walks up and puts some quarters in the machine
next to hers again. He starts playing and keeps scoring
500. Joan notices him and gets annoyed as she also keeps
playing.
JOAN (con’t)
I should have figured you’d show up
just as I was starting to get good.
BIKER GOD
Joan, I really think you should
reconsider giving up crochet.
Joan bowls a 100.
JOAN
And I think I should reconsider always
reconsidering what you want me to
reconsider. I’m not in the market for
provoking any more death or
destruction, thank you very much.
BIKER GOD
Joan. It’s crochet. Not exactly
apocalyptic.
JOAN
Sure, not yet. Until you teach me to
use the needles as deadly weapons.
Maybe I want to do things on my own
from now on. It’ll be a lot safer.
BIKER GOD
Joan, I’m just asking for a little faith. It won’t hurt you.
JOAN
Faith. Sure. Like Shellsburg, that
guy’s got faith alright. Look, you
know, you’ve had me do some stuff
that’s been you know, whatever, weird
and doesn’t make sense, but it always
helps people in the end, but I don’t
know, what am I gonna do if you ask ME
to burn down a church? Stand by and
55
watch people burn and call it faith? I
guess that wouldn’t hurt me, personally
but it hurts other people, it doesn’t
help them! I wanna be a good person, I
just can’t do ANYTHING you say, just
cuz you say it, you know? I don’t want
to be on the side of psychos and
terrorists and baby-killers, and I’m
sorry if that means I can’t talk to you
any more, but . . .
She throws a ski-ball down the lane, but she’s worked up
and almost in tears. The ball flies wild and bounces onto
another lane.
JOAN (con’t)
ARGH! Look, I’d rather go it alone
than be manipulated like Shellsburg.
She rolls another ball, gets 200.
BIKER GOD
Joan, you can cut this off whenever you
want, but the only thing I’ve been
doing is helping you find your true
nature.
JOAN
Maybe I’ll find it on my own.
You might.
nature is?
BIKER GOD
Do you know what your true
JOAN
No.
BIKER GOD
Here’s a hint. It’s good. And
Shellsburg’s is good, too.
JOAN
Then why –
BIKER GOD
56
Because it’s not a question of whether
people are hearing from me, Joan. The
question is: are they listening for me.
JOAN
What?
BIKER GOD
Not everyone hears from me the same way
you do, Joan, but I do talk to
everyone. Some people listen, others
shut me out or think they’ve got a
better plan.
He nods towards the ski-ball machine.
Joan blushes a bit.
BIKER GOD (con’t)
But either way, it’s always your
choice.
This strikes Joan and she thinks for a minute.
rips the tickets and hands them to Joan.
Biker God
BIKER GOD (con’t)
Here, I certainly don’t need them.
He walks off and Joan shakes her head. She bends down to
rip off her own strip of tickets when Luke comes up
carrying a giant inflatable hammer. Before she stands up
again he hits her with it.
JOAN
Hey!
LUKE
Hi. I was gonna get the giant stuffed
bunny, but we were eight tickets short.
Joan stops at this and looks down at the two strips of
tickets in her hand – Biker God’s five and her three. She
blinks. There are eight tickets.
LUKE (con’t)
So how’s the quest for the perfect game
of ski-ball going?
57
JOAN
I think I’m going to listen to the
voice that keeps telling me to
surrender.
CUT TO:
EXT. MASON ROW’S HOUSE – DAY
Kevin is at Mason’s front door and Mason opens the door
wearing his usual baseball jersey. Inside the house Kevin
catches glimpses of cardboard moving boxes. Mason is not
particularly happy to see Kevin.
MASON
Kevin, why are you here.
KEVIN
I wanted to talk to you again. I
wanted to say I’m sorry and I wanted to
see if –
MASON
Listen, I appreciate the gesture, but
I’ve lost my job because of you. And
my parents, who I made up this whole
story for, are disowning me because
they now say I’m an unrepentant sinner.
All my friends here are either hurt or
not talking to me.
KEVIN
I – I didn’t know, I was only trying to
do the research. I’m sorry –
MASON
I’m not telling this to you for
sympathy points. I’ve seen enough in
my life that I certainly don’t need YOU
to feel sorry for me. And fine, you
were just doing your job and I should
have seen it coming sooner or later,
fine. But there is more to being a
successful journalist than exposing
others’ flaws, and there are some
things more important than the truth,
Kevin. My world is crumbling around me
58
right now, and I truthfully don’t care
if it’s your fault or mine. I don’t
care. I’m leaving in two days, Kevin.
Don’t come back here.
He closes the door in Kevin’s face.
Kevin wheels away hurt.
CUT TO:
INT. GIRARDI KITCHEN – NIGHT
Joan comes into the kitchen carrying a small, empty trashcan.
She throws open the cupboard underneath the sink and checks the
trashcan there, too. Nothing.
JOAN
Of course, this would be the ONE time
someone does my chores for me.
She drops the small trashcan on the floor and slams the
cupboard as she turns to call towards the living room.
JOAN (con’t)
MOM!
She stomps out to the living room.
CUT TO:
INT. GIRARDI LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Helen sits on the couch, her back to Joan as Joan walks in.
JOAN (con’t)
Mom –
HELEN
Joan. Please. I’ve been under a lot
of stress lately.
She turns to face Joan and Joan notices that she’s in the
middle of crocheting something.
HELEN (con’t)
Is this a minor crisis you can deal
with on your own? Or get Luke to help
you.
59
JOAN
What are you doing?
I’m delegating.
parent’s job.
HELEN
It’s part of a
JOAN
No, I mean – the needles, the fabricy
stuff. Were you digging through my
trash?
HELEN
What? I didn’t touch your stuff. This
is just crochet. Mrs. Townsend at the
front office recommended it to me.
Apparently it has a “calming” effect on
her. Can’t say it’s doing much for me,
but I’m not quite ready to give it up
yet. She got me started on a dish
cloth. But I keep getting frustrated
because I can’t keep the stitches even.
JOAN
It helps to pull the yarn through all
your fingers.
(she demonstrates)
Like this.
HELEN
I didn’t know that you knew –
JOAN
Oh, I don’t. I just started making a
scarf but I guess all my stuff got
thrown out with the potato peels.
HELEN
I’ve got some extra yarn if you want to
give it another go. Since you have
only a small collection of scarves at
the moment.
JOAN
Well it’s not like you need another
dish rag, either.
60
She takes the half-started dish cloth from Helen and
examines it.
JOAN (con’t)
Although this DOES look easier.
HELEN
You’re welcome to give it a shot.
gotta go make dinner.
I’ve
She gets up to leave as Joan messes with the crochet
needles. A thought hits her and Joan looks up right as
Helen is about to leave.
JOAN
Wait. You don’t have to give up on
this.
HELEN
I don’t want to make it into “some dumb
mother-daughter bonding thing.”
JOAN
I’d think of it more as moral support.
(she holds up the
unimproved dish cloth)
We need all the help we can get. But I
have faith we can get better.
HELEN
This won’t be too painful for you?
JOAN
Well, I’m surrendering. Maybe I can
crochet a white dish rag to wave as a
flag.
HELEN
How about we call it a truce instead?
She grabs a couple of spools of yarn.
HELEN (con’t)
If you want to finish dish rag I’ll
make a scarf for you.
61
Joan takes a spool from her.
JOAN
How about I’ll make a scarf for YOU and
You can make the dish rag for ME.
HELEN
What do you need a dish rag for?
JOAN
College?
Helen laughs.
HELEN
You’re sorely mistaken if you think
you’ll be spend a lot of time in
college doing dishes.
JOAN
Maybe I’ll study culinary arts!
HELEN
How about we both make scarves?
JOAN
Just as long as they don’t match.
HELEN
Oh, never!
They both begin to pick out colors they want their scarves
to be, laughing and smiling.
FADE OUT.
THE END