Bullyproof Your Home
Bullying behavior, or the use of power over another person, begins at very early ages and
it often begins at home as a result of what we call “children’s entertainment.” Bullying
behaviors such as put downs, name- calling, fighting, intimidation, and demands, as well
as physical violence are modeled for our kids in countless interactions in videos, movies,
cartoons, television programs, and video games.
In addition, parents can model bullying behavior, depending on how they use their power
in their interactions with their kids. Power -- the ability to make choices and to access and
use resources -- is a foundational, universal human need. We have this need and our kids
do too. In every day interactions with our kids we are either using power over them: Do
what I say or else..., or power with them: Let’s work together for the benefit of everyone
in the family.
The more we use power over interactions with our children, the more apt we are to be
teaching them to use bullying behaviors, and, since no one likes to be bullied, the more
they are going to resist us. The more we use power with interactions, the more we teach
respectful behaviors and the more likely our children will want to cooperate with us.
In Activity 1 below you will find a Bullying Behavior Checklist you can use to determine
whether or not your children are using bullying behaviors.
In Activity 2 you will find a Parenting Style Checklist to determine the way you are using
power with your children.
Activity 1 - Bullying Behavior Checklist
Some bullying behaviors are direct and easy to spot while other behaviors are indirect
and harder to detect. Direct bullying is out in the open, “in your face,” with little or no
attempt to hide it. Indirect bullying behaviors are purposely not meant to be seen or heard
and are carried out when adults aren’t looking. These behaviors are meant to cause hurt in
subtle, silent ways; they are usually reported by the receiver of the act, and are very
difficult to track or prove.
Direct Bullying Behaviors
Check the intentional, persistent behaviors you observe in your child:
___ Hits
___ Kicks
___ Pulls hair
___ Pushes and shoves
___ Teases in a mean way
___ Makes fun of a sibling
––– Uses “put downs”
___ Tattles to get a sibling in trouble
___ Uses mean and hurtful nicknames
___ Says hurtful and unpleasant things
___ Deliberately ignores a sibling
___ Tells lies
___ Spreads false rumors
___ Writes mean notes
Indirect Bullying Behaviors
Check the behaviors that you have observed or have been reported to you:
___ Bites
___ Pinches or scratches
___ Silently taunts using glaring and staring
___ Shoves or pushes when parent isn’t looking
___ Trips sibling when parent isn’t looking
___ Pesters a sibling about something sensitive
If you have checked any of the direct or indirect bullying categories, take this opportunity
to learn more about how you are using power in your interactions with your children.
Activity 2 - Parenting Style Checklist
In this Checklist, you will find two sections: Power-Over Parenting (criticizing, blaming,
commanding, demanding) and Power-With Parenting (working together to meet needs of
all family members). In each section, check the expressions you have heard yourself
saying. You will see two blanks in each section where you can fill in statements that you
make that are not on the lists. After you have gone through both sections, total the
number of check marks in each section.
Power-Over Parenting
Have you ever heard yourself say anything like:
___ I want you to do this right now. If you don’t...
___Don’t make me ask you again!
___You just have to do what you’re told.
___No back talk from you!
___I don’t care what you think about it!
___I know you want to play but you have to ...
___How many times do I have to tell you?
Power-With Parenting
Have you ever heard yourself say anything like:
___ I’d like to care for your needs AND my needs.
___ I’d like to find a solution that works for everyone.
___ I’m happy when we work together.
___ I feel sad when one of us is left out of decisions.
___ I’d like to hear how this sounds to you.
___ I’m wondering what you need right now.
___ Would you be willing to...?
___ Please help me understand what you have in mind.
You Are Teaching by Example
Whether you are using power-over tactics or power-with expressions of feelings, needs,
and desires, your children are learning how to express their feelings, needs, and desires in
the same way.
If you checked more than two statements in Power-Over Parenting. it is likely that you
are teaching your children behaviors that contribute to tattling, bickering, fighting,
“acting out,” pushing back, resisting, demanding, bullying and in general refusing to
participate in family life.
If you checked any of the statements in Power-With Parenting, you are building a
foundation for mutual respect and cooperation in your family that will prevent bullying.
Two Recommendations
1. For the next two or three weeks pay close attention to your interactions with your kids
and listen to your kids’ interactions with you and with each other. Do you notice a
similarity in the way the kids express themselves and the way you express yourself? Over
time, slowly start adding some of the expressions from Part 2 and watch and listen for the
differences in the way your kids respond.
2. Continue to learn and use more of the power-sharing statements to strengthen the
foundation of power-with relationships with your children.
More Support
For more practical ways you can shift from power-over to power-with parenting, read
Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids: 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict into Co-operation,
and The No-Fault Classroom: Tools to Resolve Conflict & Foster Relationship
Intelligence.
Use this coupon code during checkout and receive an additional 10% off the already
discounted price of all Hart-Hodson titles at the www.NonviolentCommunication.com
Store: bullyfree
For a fun & easy way into power-with conversations and conflict navigation with your
kids, get the The No-Fault Zone Game: www.thenofaultzone.com
To schedule your one-on-one parent coaching session, contact Victoria or Sura at:
contact@thenofaultzone.com
Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson
Communication consultants, trainers, authors, Speakers, and Co-directors of The NoFault Zone, www.thenofaultzone.com
Sura is certified with the international Center for Nonviolent Communication Victoria is
the co-founder and co-director of the Learning Success Institute