Marriage: An American Crisis
Pastoral Letter
Bishop Seán P. O’Malley, OFM Cap.
Diocese of Fall River
February 13, 2000
Dearly beloved in Christ,
In the colonial period, Alexis de Tocqueville in his
observations about our country wrote: “Religion is often
powerless to restrain men in the midst of innumerable
temptations which fortune offers. It cannot moderate their
eagerness to enrich themselves, which everything
contributes to arouse, but religion reigns supreme in the
souls of the women who shape mores. Certainly, of all
countries in the world, America is the one in which the
marriage tie is most respected and where the highest and
truest conception of conjugal happiness has been
conceived.”
Two centuries later, we do not find the same optimism. In
responding to a national survey in 1980 asking Americans
if they held the ideal of two people sharing a life and a
home together, 96% agreed with this ideal of an enduring
relationship. Yet, when asked whether “most couples
getting married today expect to remain married for the rest
of their lives”, 60% said “No”. Love and commitment are
attractive, but difficult.
In his 1994 Letter to Families, Pope John Paul II identifies
some of the basic dangers to family life today: a rampant
individualism opposed to true personalism, the ethic of
utilitarianism that treats persons as an object of use, a
dualism reminiscent of the ancient ideologies of
Gnosticism and Manicheanism. All these evils encourage
selfishness and hedonism, and give rise to the plague of
divorce and the anti-life mentality so manifest in the
widespread practice of contraception and abortion.
“Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage,”
and in some sectors of modern society they are becoming
as obsolete as that outmoded form of transportation. The
Boston Globe under the rubric, “Goodbye Ozzie and
Harriet,” reports that only 7% of American households
have stay-at-home moms and working dads.
MARRIAGE: AN AMERICAN CRISIS
Even in times of prosperity, our economy is not familyfriendly. The same report documents the fact that only
36% of the U.S. households are comprised of married folk;
the other 64% are made up of single parents, couples who
cohabit, widows, etc.
By the same token, the divorce revolution has taken its toll
on family life. Between 1960 and 1990, the number of
children who experienced the divorce of their parents
increased from less than 1% to more than 50%, and 1/3 of
the children born today are born out of wedlock. Divorce
was touted as a means to greater equality for woman.
Actually, divorce has contributed to the feminization of
poverty. After a divorce, mothers and children typically
experience a 73% decline in their standard of living, while
men experience a 42% increase. In 90% of the divorces,
the responsibility of raising the children falls to the women.
No wonder a woman in the Irish Dáil said that, “a woman
voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas.”
Violence against women and children has also increased
dramatically with the breakup of the family. According to
the Surgeon General, the home is often more dangerous for
women and children than the streets. On average, 57,000
wives are violently assaulted each year by their husbands,
216,000 by ex-husbands, and 200,000 by their boyfriends.
The risk of physical and sexual abuse against children has
escalated, often due to the absence of the biological father
and presence of boyfriends and other transient males.
The sad statistics of American life in the 90’s add up to a
typical family with a higher degree of instability, more
stress, and greater personal turmoil than is commonly
recognized. Often chemical solutions are used to solve
spiritual problems and separation is used to solve
interpersonal problems.
Believers who are “married in the Lord” have a special role
in salvaging society from the free-fall spiral that threatens
civilization itself. The grave problems that beset our world
today will not find solutions around the great oak
BISHOP SEÁN P. O’MALLEY, OFM CAP.
13 FEBRUARY 2000
PAGE 1
conference tables in Geneva, New York, or the Oval
Office, but around the dinner tables where loving parents
share their life, their faith, their friendship with their
children at meal times, when families come together to be
nourished by prayer, by conversation, by being together.
Pope John Paul II has said in Familiaris Consortio that the
first and fundamental contribution of the family to society
is the, “very experience of communion and sharing that
should characterize the family’s daily life.” By becoming
what it is meant to be, the family is the first and most
efficacious school of socialization, which takes place
through their welcoming of each other, their disinterested
availability, their generous service, their deep solidarity.
The Holy Father has written in his letter to families: “It is
not an exaggeration to reaffirm that the life of nations
passes through the family…and through the family passes
the primary current of the civilization of love.”
COHABITATION
When the rich young man asks Jesus what he must do to
receive eternal life, he is expressing our human longing for
happiness, true happiness that is more than pleasure, or
having fun, or being entertained, happiness that is complete
and forever – living in God’s love for all eternity. Jesus’
initial response is: “Keep the Commandments.” That is the
first program for happiness, for social justice, and for world
peace.
Many of today’s most serious social and spiritual problems
exist as a result of our neglect to live the Commandments.
What is more alarming is that by not obeying the
Commandments we jeopardize happiness in this life and in
eternity. As Americans we are great lovers of freedom. It
has been our glory to exalt democracy and liberty, but we
sometimes forget that true freedom is based on truth and
implies sacrifices and responsibilities. Today, “freedom” is
often a euphemism for individualism or selfishness.
Obeying the Commandments is not easy, and we all have
frequent falls. In his moving sermon in Moby Dick, Father
Marple says, “To obey God, we have to disobey ourselves
– and that is always hard.”
In today’s world, many people opt to cohabit and claim to
be “following their conscience.” Too often, what they
mean is “choosing what comes easiest” rather than making
a moral decision. Conscience is the voice of God speaking
to us in the intimate depths of our heart, helping us to
distinguish between right and wrong, good and evil. That
voice, when authentic, never contradicts the
Commandments that Moses brought down from Mt. Sinai
and which St. Paul says are written on our hearts. The
choice to live together outside of marriage is always a
violation of God’s law.
The Church Community is aware of the societal, economic,
and cultural influences that weigh so heavily on all of us
MARRIAGE: AN AMERICAN CRISIS
and that lead many young Catholics to opt for cohabitation.
Our objections are not borne of prudery or an “oldfashioned” world view. The Church has observed the
devastation and unhappiness that has been caused by the
weakening of the institution of marriage and the breakdown
of family life. Our criticism of cohabitation is not one of
self-righteousness, but rather of true pastoral concern for
the spiritual well being of our people and the future of
society where materialism and individualism are
undermining the common good.
People list many justifications for cohabitation such as: “It
is more economical, ”it is a good way to test the
relationship,” “we need to know one another before we
have children together,” “God doesn’t care,” “everyone is
doing it,” “it’s a private matter.” None of these
justifications is entirely accurate and only serve to
perpetuate the contemporary myth that cohabitation is a
reasonable and moral preparation for marriage, or a good
alternative to the institution of marriage.
We used to call it “living in sin.” Then we forgot what sin
was about, and it became “living together.” The more
technical term is cohabitation, but in a word it is “joining
together what God has not.” The results for many
individuals, and for American society as a whole, have
been most distressing. In fact, cohabitation has been
described as, “a cancer eating away at the front end of
marriage.” It has diverted tens of millions of Americans
from getting married and has increased the odds of divorce
of those who marry after living together. Likewise, a Penn
State University study confirms that “the more months of
exposure to cohabitation that young people experienced,
the less enthusiastic they were toward marriage and
childbearing.”
Last year, Rutgers University published a report: “Should
We Live Together? What Young Adults Need To Know
About Cohabitation Before Marriage.” Doubtless, the
study was prompted by the growing acceptance of
cohabitation in our country. There are now more than 4.2
million couples who cohabitate. It has also had an
influence on the thinking of today‘s high school students.
The report notes that 60% of high school seniors think, “It
is a good idea to live together before getting married.” At
the same time that there has been a tenfold increase in
couples living together, the marriage rate has dropped 41%.
The findings of the Rutgers University study coincide with
many other research projects on cohabitation. Typically,
cohabitation results in greater unhappiness. The experience
of cohabitation damages attitudes about permanence and
commitment and makes couples more apt to divorce.
Couples who cohabit experience more domestic violence
and the use of sexual favors as a controlling device in a
relationship. One British study found that children living
with cohabiting parents are 20 times more likely to be
victims of child abuse as those of married parents.
BISHOP SEÁN P. O’MALLEY, OFM CAP.
13 FEBRUARY 2000
PAGE 2
Cohabiting couples have more fights over money.
Cohabitators might end up being “pressured into a
marriage” by circumstances and expectations that gravely
diminish a free and responsible decision and commitment.
The average “living arrangement” lasts 13 months. After a
year of sharing an apartment and a life with someone as if
husband and wife, “parting can be such sweet sorrow.” It
can be as painful as a divorce, giving rise to the modern
phenomenon of “premarital divorce”; and, far from
producing marital stability, when cohabitating couples do
get married they have 50% higher odds of divorce.
As Catholics we believe in the words of James Healy:
“…that sexual intimacy finds its true home in marriage: a
public, faithful, exclusive commitment to each other, and
an equally important lifetime commitment to the children
who may be created from this marriage.” (Living Together
& Christian Commitment P.3)
SANCTUARY OF LIFE
Much of the violence in our society comes from a
fundamental attack on life itself. The Holy Father calls it
“the culture of death.” But the Church firmly believes that
human life, even if weak and suffering, is always a splendid
gift of God’s goodness. Against the pessimism and
selfishness which casts a shadow over the world, the
Church stands for life: in each human life She sees the
splendor of that “Yes,” that “Amen,” who is Christ Himself
(Familiaris Consortio #30).
The family that God meant to be a safe haven of
unconditional love is fast becoming the venue for the worst
crimes of betrayal: abortion (where parents eliminate their
own children), and euthanasia (where children eliminate
their own parents). Christian marriage and the Christian
family must be a “Sanctuary of Life.” Our reverence for
the gift of life stands as the centerpiece of Catholic social
doctrine and moral teaching.
The Church’s regard for the sanctity of life extends to the
marriage act which in God’s plan is at once unitive and
procreative. Contraception separates these two meanings
that God has inscribed in the being of a man and a woman.
“Thus the innate language that expresses the total
reciprocal self-giving of husband and wife is overlaid,
through contraception, by a … contradictory language,
namely that of not giving oneself totally to the other.”
(F.C.)
Contraception which “sterilizes” a marriage act is
substantially different from limiting marital relations to
periods of natural infertility. In fact, if a couple always
practices contraception, the Church looks on that marriage
as unconsumated.
NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING
MARRIAGE: AN AMERICAN CRISIS
Currently, a striking commercial is being aired on
television that advertises birth-control pills. The ad
portrays a beautiful young woman planning a trip to Paris
as she explains that she is putting off having children by
taking contraceptives. She explains how these pills not
only prevent pregnancy but are also good for one’s
complexion. This idyllic soliloquy is followed by a
moment of truth, a disclaimer, no doubt written by able
corporate lawyers, saying that the product does not prevent
AIDS or venereal disease, and in some women can cause
heart attacks, strokes, and cancer; and, furthermore, the
ominous voice wavers that if you smoke, don’t even think
about taking the pill. What the commercial fails to point
out is that the possible physical perils of contraception are
eclipsed by the spiritual perils that accompany this practice.
There are two myths about the Catholic Church’s teaching
on contraception. The first myth is that the Church is
responsible for a world population explosion. The actual
teaching of the Church contrasts sharply with this assertion.
The Church advocates that people have children in the
context of marriage and that they make a responsible
decision as to the number of children they are capable of
raising and educating. If these injunctions were observed,
the world population problem would be much smaller than
it is. In fact, the world population crisis is itself somewhat
of a myth. (cf. Max Singer, “Population Surprize,” Atlantic
Monthly. Serious demographers are concerned about a
“demographic winter” that could set in during the next 50
years. Aging populations of the developed nations of the
West and the AIDS epidemic on the African continent are
going to have very grave consequences. Many Western
nations are experiencing negative population growth rates.
The Italians, Spanish, French Canadians, Austrians, and
Swedes are on the way to contracepting and aborting
themselves into extinction.
The United Nations estimates that for $40 billion per year,
the world’s poor could have adequate food, water,
sanitation, health care, and education…a sum that could be
acquired by asking the 225 richest people to contribute 4%
of their wealth. The problem is not so much one of
population but of selfishness.
The second myth about the Catholic Church’s teaching is
that Catholics are supposed to have as many children as
God will send them or practice “Roman Roulette”, as the
Rhythm Method was dubbed because of its deficiencies.
The Church simply asks married couples to respect the
marriage act. In the Scriptures and in the Magisterium
love, marriage, sexuality, and transmission of life are
inexorably connected, and connected in that order. Natural
family planning (N.F.P.) respects the integrity of the
marital act which should always be an act of love open to
life, a true giving of oneself.
Since the time of Pius XII, the Popes have called upon
scientists to develop and improve methods of Natural
BISHOP SEÁN P. O’MALLEY, OFM CAP.
13 FEBRUARY 2000
PAGE 3
Family Planning. New ways to avoid pregnancies have
been discovered that are just as effective as those artificial
means of birth control which have such damaging spiritual
and physical side-effects.
A real breakthrough in N.F.P. was made by two Australian
doctors in the 1950s. The Ovulation Method allows a
couple to know when a woman is fertile (about 100 hours
per month). Some use this method to bring about
conception, others to avoid conception. The method is
deemed so efficient, cost effective, and trouble-free that
even the Chinese government is actively promoting this
method.
From the point of view of a believer, N.F.P. is an
acceptable way to space one’s children and practice
responsible parenthood. The decision about having
children is an important moral decision that a couple must
make, before God, and with a spirit of faith and generosity.
One of the side benefits of N.F.P. is that only about 2% of
the marriages that practice this method ever end in divorce.
It is one of the best predictors of a permanent marriage
commitment, no doubt because this method demands
intimate communication between the spouses, profound
respect for each other, and a spirit of self-giving. It takes
the burden of family planning from the wife and shares it
with the husband.
Some people think that N.F.P. is too complicated, but it is
being used successfully by illiterate people in El Salvador,
India, and Bangladesh, and many other Third World
Countries. With a minimal of training, couples are able to
practice N.F.P. and avoid the pitfalls of the artificial forms
of contraception.
Recently, a syndicated columnist wrote an editorial in the
secular press which appeared locally in the Cape Cod
Times (Oct. 25, 1999): “Pope Paul VI: Right on
Contraception.” The author begins by explaining that he
was raised a Catholic, but chose to leave the Church at the
age of 22 in 1963 because he disagreed with the Church’s
teaching on birth control.
Looking at society since those days, Mr. McManus says he
has come to see the wisdom of Paul VI’s Humanae Vitae,
the Encyclical that reaffirms the traditional teaching of the
Catholic Church (indeed of Christian Churches in general
until recent times). He cites the predictions of Paul VI that
widespread use of contraception would lead to “conjugal
infidelity and a general lowering of morality.” Indeed,
since “the pill” began to be sold in 1960, out-of-wedlock
births have jumped from 224,000 to 1.2 million, divorces
have increased three-fold, abortions have doubled, and
cohabitation has increased ten-fold, from 430,000 to 4.2
million. In addition, separating love, sexuality, and the
transmission of life has contributed mightily to the
MARRIAGE: AN AMERICAN CRISIS
degradation of women, confirming another prediction of
Humanae Vitae.
Some Evangelical Christians are beginning to rethink their
support of artificial contraception. The Family Research
Council recently published an article, “The empty promise
of contraception,” and notes that Japan is about to legalize
the sale of “the pill”. Japan presently has the lowest
illegitimacy rate and the lowest divorce rate of any of the
industrialized countries. “The impact of ‘the pill’ may be
more ominous for this traditional and family-oriented
country than public officials realize,” predicts Teresa
Wagner.
Another interesting fact is that newer forms of Natural
Family Planning are more efficient than pills or condoms –
18% of those who use condoms and 12% of those who take
“the pill” experience pregnancy within two years. It is
estimated that half of those seeking abortions were using
artificial birth control. Indeed, abortion has become an
accepted form of birth control. In the United States, one
third of all pregnancies end in abortion.
HOPES AND STRATEGIES FOR THE NEW
MILLENIUM
To rescue the family in this time of deterioration, we need
to consider strategies that will strengthen marriage and help
families survive the adverse pressures they experience in
today’s world. These strategies need to be developed and
reflected upon by our priests, deacons, and laity. If we do
nothing, the situation will only continue to grow worse.
The following are topics that I recommend to your
prayerful reflection.
1. -The first area of attention must be how better to prepare
people for marriage. The preparation needs to be remote as
well as proximate. Self-mastery and self-giving are
indispensable virtues for a successful marriage, and need to
be learned from childhood as part of our human and
religious formation.
The family is the first theater for marriage preparation.
Parents should take every opportunity to encourage their
children to have a high regard for the Sacrament of
Marriage as a pivotal part of God’s plan for humanity.
Shared prayer and time spent together are essential ways of
strengthening family life and the vocation of married life.
The capacity for forgiveness, service, and self-discipline
must be cultivated in young hearts if they are to grow into
men and women apt for the vocation of married life.
2. – Catechetical programs, Catholic school curriculum,
youth ministry, retreat movements and Confirmation
programs must include some conferences and discussions
geared at preparing young Catholics to have a sense of
vocation and mission and to have an understanding of, and
reverence for, the Sacrament of Marriage. There, too, our
BISHOP SEÁN P. O’MALLEY, OFM CAP.
13 FEBRUARY 2000
PAGE 4
young people could be taught the virtues that counteract
prevailing cultural trends of promiscuity, materialism, and
individualism that undermine people’s marriages.
that will allow the bride and groom to enjoy their wedding
and be freed from the pressures of excessive demands and
countless details.
3. - In our parishes and on the diocesan level, we must
intensify our efforts to prepare those who come to our
parishes asking to be married. Ironically, the other
Sacraments receive much more preparation than the
Sacrament of Marriage: Confirmation, First Penance - First
Communion Programs are generally 2 years long. The
R.C.I.A. process consists of one year of weekly instruction,
and preparation for Permanent Diaconate lasts 3 or 4 years,
while preparation for the Priesthood is 6 years.
Some couples are intimidated by the cost of a wedding and
therefore hesitate to seek a Church wedding. There needs
to be a clear message that a Church wedding does not
require all the expenses so often associated with a wedding
celebration.
We encourage the introduction of surveys like FOCCUS, a
premarital questionnaire that helps measure compatibility
between the fiancés and facilitates conversations in areas of
discrepancies.
In the proximate preparation, the witness of committed
married couples, deacons and their wives, and various
professionals are an invaluable contribution to the
preparation of future marriages.
We all owe a debt of gratitude to those dedicated
individuals who have worked with our Family Life Office
and Pre-Cana Program and the Engaged Encounter.
4. - We must all work harder to dissuade young people
from cohabitation through parental advice, sermons and
homilies, Catholic schools, CCD programs, and youth
ministry. This should be done early on, so that our young
Catholics will understand the negative consequences of this
practice.
5. - The spiritual nature of marriage as a Sacrament needs
to be stressed. The ritual recommends that occasionally a
parish should celebrate the Sacrament of Matrimony at a
parish liturgy on Sunday as a way of teaching the ecclesial
dimension of the Sacrament. Ethnic parishes and smaller
communities where many parishioners know each other
lend themselves to this kind of celebration. Sunday
marriages help to place the wedding in the context of a
community of faith that is not only responsible for
preparing the couple, but also for nurturing their
sacramental life as a married couple. Such a parish
celebration of a wedding is a clear sign that “marriage in
the Lord” is building up the Body of Christ.
When young people think about “marriage preparation”,
their minds turn to gowns, groomsmen, bands, cake and
caterers, honeymoon and how to pay for it all.
Our task
is to convince them to spend a little more time and energy
in preparing for the marriage than for the wedding. The
wedding is one day, marriage a lifetime.
Often times, weddings cost many thousands of dollars and
are a serious drain on the financial resources of a family.
People should be encouraged to have simpler celebrations
MARRIAGE: AN AMERICAN CRISIS
6. - We need mentoring couples, husbands and wives who
have experienced the joys and sorrows of married life and
who live the Sacrament. Such couples could help both in
diocesan programs and in parishes both in preparation
programs as well as in support groups aimed at
strengthening young couples in their marriages.
7. - More must be done to acquaint the community at large
with the advances in Natural Family Planning that have
come about and to dispel many myths that exist about the
teaching of the Church in this area.
As statistics indicate, couples who practice N.F.P. develop
very strong marriages and almost never end in divorce.
The work of the Couple to Couple League, Dr. Mercedes
Wilson’s Family of the Americas, and other organizations
have done much to promote the new scientific methods of
natural family planning that are 98% effective in avoiding
pregnancy and are also very useful for couples struggling
with infertility who wish to conceive.
Couples world wide are choosing the Symto-Thermal
Method and the Billings Ovulation Method and using them
with great success. These methods are effective and are
consistent with Catholic moral theology and the meaning of
marriage. They are indeed marriage building experiences
that put couples in touch with the ecology of their own
bodies, and in no way compromise the health of the women
with chemicals or devices.
8. - Groups like Teams of Our Lady and Marriage
Encounter are invaluable resources to strengthen marriages
both by the spirituality they promote and the
communication skills that they foster.
Teams of Our Lady is a spiritual movement in the Church
that was founded in France in 1939 by Father Cafferel
when young couples asked him, “How do we find God
together.” The Teams have successfully mentored many
couples on the path to holiness and to a deeper
communication with each other and their children. In our
own Diocese, the teams exist in both Portuguese and
English groups, and have made an invaluable contribution
in strengthening married life.
9. – Our annual celebration of wedding anniversaries and
renewal of vows each October in the Cathedral is an
BISHOP SEÁN P. O’MALLEY, OFM CAP.
13 FEBRUARY 2000
PAGE 5
important way that the Catholic Community publicly
acknowledges the heroic witness of our so many Catholic
couples who faithfully and generously live their married
vocation in our midst.
10. – We need to keep teaching the importance of the
Sunday Mass in the spiritual life of the family.
everything depended on you, pray as if everything
depended on God.”
Devotedly yours in Christ,
+Seán, OFM Cap.
Bishop of Fall River
Indeed, one of the most promising statistics relating to
marriage is that although half of the U.S. marriages end in
divorce, that number drops to one in fifty when the couple
is married in Church and continues to attend Church
regularly. More astonishingly, the failure rate drops to one
in 1,105 marriages when the couple who marry in Church
continue to attend Church, and also have a prayer life at
home.
“The family that prays together, stays together” – is not just
a cliché, but a formula for success.
CONCLUSION
Marriage for Christian spouses implies a response to God’s
vocation and the acceptance of the mission to be a sign of
God’s love for all the members of the human family by
partaking in the definitive covenant of Christ with the
Church. The Holy Father has stated it so clearly: “The
family is the heart of the New Evangelization.”
The witness of Christian married life has always had a
powerful impact on society. In one of the early Christian
documents, the “Letter to Diognetus,” we read: “Christians
are not distinguished from the rest of mankind by either
country, speech, or customs; yet, the whole tenor of their
way of living stamps it as worthy of admiration and
admittedly extraordinary. They marry like all others and
beget children; but they do not expose their offspring to the
elements to kill them. Their table is spread for all, but not
their bed. They find themselves in the flesh, but they do
not live according to the flesh.”
Christian marriages, sanctuaries of life and love, are a
leaven in our world, a beacon of hope for a better future.
As a community of faith, we must recommit ourselves to
foster this vocation in the Church. We have before us the
Holy Family at Nazareth, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Theirs
was a community of love and fidelity, and a testimony of
the centrality of marriage and family in the history of
salvation.
May the spirit of Nazareth reign in the homes of all our
Catholic families and may we be able to communicate that
spirit to the young men and women preparing to receive the
Sacrament of Matrimony in this millennium.
Strengthening marriage and families could be the most
important accomplishment of this New Millennium. Let us
embark on this task, following the advice of St. Ignatius of
Loyola, founder of the Jesuits who said, “Work as if
MARRIAGE: AN AMERICAN CRISIS
BISHOP SEÁN P. O’MALLEY, OFM CAP.
13 FEBRUARY 2000
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