THE OPEN WINDOW
TO MY SOUL
THE LOST ROAD
BY
ISBN
0 – 646 – 21509 - 4
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 1
PEACE TO MEN OF GOOD WILL
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 2
CONTENTS
Description of book………………………………………………3
Preface, introduction…………………………………………….6
Love making………………………………………………………10
Author’s Biography………………………………………………11
Language of the soul…………………………………………….13
Goals and achievements………………………………………..15
Poem…………………………………………………………………16
Theme of the book…………………………………………………17
Chapter 1… Awakening to the power of her essence……..19
Chapter 2 … How to balance thoughts and feelings………25
Chapter 3….My big brother…………………………………….31
Chapter 4….Over the ocean far away…………………………36
Chapter 5….The death of a mother……………………………45
Chapter 6….The pond, I am afraid to look…………………..49
Chapter 7….A 14 years old desire……………………………..63
Chapter 8….My mother, why become the victim of life……68
Chapter 9….The birth of a beautiful girl……………………..74
Poems…………………………………………………………………88
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 3
Description of book
This book was written with the purpose of inspiring and motivating
people to look inside themselves. The reader is asked to go on an inward
journey towards the soul and the unseen world of the unknown. To
realize how beautiful and perfect each one of us is. How life is meant to
be enjoyed and looked at while accomplishing our personal purpose in
life.
My wish is to unfold and peel off the layers that are hiding the
beauty
of
the
soul.
To
go
beneath
tradition,
fear,
upbringing,
expectations, grief, apathy, antagonism, revenge, war between the outer
and the inner world and to reach a state where your natural enthusiasm
and motivation towards life are awakened.
A helpful tool while reading this book is, a pen to take notes of
your emotional thoughts, experience, feelings and memories, then write
them down on the paper provided. My desire is to get them to the surface
so that you can see what is stopping you from being yourself, the true
love you were born with, and God-created.
As you experience this new awakening you may need help to
remove the memories that chain you to your past experiences. A friend
or a Counselor can be of great assistance.
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 4
NOTES
My love is with you
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 5
Give yourself permission to stop
suffering. Free yourself from pain. Life
is meant to be joyful and as easy as
breathing.
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 6
PREFERENCE INTRODUCTION
“I am ready to open my window and let the truth out.”
This is a true story of a person who has lived life with many
personalities. Who has lived through the turmoil between the opposing
forces within herself of good and evil. Who has had daily debates between
her higher self and the "reactive mind.”
"I could see what I was doing, for a long time. All the gifts that had
been given to me by the Universe and were precious, because I created
them during my past existence. These, I was suppressing, while keeping
with admiration and respect, the values and standards that "belonged" to
others. This made me feel distressed, unhappy and separated from my
higher self. I felt cheated and was miserable. My weakness and fear of
speaking up was there and was stopping my progress. That progress of
living life from my strengths. My biggest desire was to become
AUTHENTIC. Yet I thought I could become it without the discipline and
determination needed to do so.
Thank goodness my inner self had other plans for my life, so I
decided to give it my undivided attention and get the job done. The job of
reaching the highest point of living in the image of God rather than the
mind. That life of being the real me at all times without fears, prejudices
and other impediments, such as (MADNESS) and self judgment. The life
that knows how to include the inner voice which I call Higher Self/Soul..
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 7
I had everything I needed in life. I was surrounded by beauty, but not the
beauty of my soul.
My window to my soul was closed.
All these years I thought I was an open window through which people
could look inside and really see who I was. How wrong I was! I was living
life on the surface creating small talk and just barely touching the outer
layer of the soul. I had not even started to look, deep within myself so as
to find all the treasures that were available to me.
In a flash as I said these words my whole life passed through my
mind's eye, and I knew immediately something needed to be done. Fear
took over my body, pain and stubbornness were present. My mind still
wanted to be in charge of my life; it wanted to do what it wanted, rather
than what it was intended to be. That is the reason why my "window was
closed".
My mind kept saying "Why show people who you are? That way
you will be naked! People will see all you have, even the handicap of not
being able to speak your mind and give a logical sentence. By doing so,
you will have no defenses. You will be seen as pure light and only the
truth will pour out of you at all times. You will be love, kindness and
totally submissive to the beauty of your soul.”
I replied, “I WANT ALL OF THIS, I want every cell in my body to
have no rebellion. I want to take this step forward into eternal life. The
life that is meant for me. The life that looks bad in other peoples eyes
because it is different. The life that will create pleasure, satisfaction, joy
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 8
and love in my life because it belongs to me alone and no one else’s….
Can you understand this?.... Therefore go away and leave me alone to
accomplish this purpose of my life. I am ready to open my window and
let the truth out!
I am strong enough to make it across the bridge of eternal life to the side
where goodness and LOVE abides. Where my individuality will be part of
my daily life and be accepted as non-madness. Then I will be able to
create magic for myself and others.
My mind continued to fight my inner voice. But as the intention got
stronger and stronger in the commitment of clearing the obstacles that
had accumulated inside myself, from the day I was born, the ego mind
abandoned itself to the will of the SOUL.
Come with me and expand your horizons for God does not make
JUNK, only experiences for growth. We are perfect and then we loose
ourselves in the magnitude that society has created.
Keep in mind it is not our responsibility to judge whether a man be
right or wrong in his beliefs, right or wrong in his way of life. If we are as
occupied as we can be with our own understanding and development, we
will have no time for criticism of others. God created nothing except that
which is perfect and is ever moving to being perfect. It is up to each
individual to appreciate the gifts that are personal and so dear to each
one of us.
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 9
We are Energy and
to feel alive, look and be alive,
we need to taste the soul.
Cradle the body and shatter the mind's weak structures.
For then the soul can live the beauty of his/her eternal power
that is grater than the entire World we live in.
NOTES
My love is with you
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 10
LOVE MAKING
It is advisable while clearing out your spider webs to make love to
the right partner. The one that compliments the energy of the soul and
creates the possibility of opening the chakras. Chakras are checkpoints
of awareness. Divine love washes away so many of the blockages that are
held in our subconscious and in the meridians.
“I was locked in the tradition and ideals of the church on love
making. I was stopping at sex itself as a desire to have intercourse,
rather than allowing the energy flow, invade the body in order to be used
correctly towards expanding the horizons. Once I learnt how it felt with
this method, I accepted the wonder of completely letting go in the
moment of love making.”
Each partner has their specific Divine love, that when matching,
helps in allowing the energy to take you to the heights of ecstasy.
To jump out of both of these statements we need to be able to move
freely
from
the
giving
to
the
receiving
and
vice
versa,
while
communicating openly what is happening inside each other.
Experiencing Divine love making is, like discovering a love that has
no end. It is more than anyone could ever imagine to experience. It is a
delight that radically transforms the energy field. Time stops. We then
can shine as much as we desire to shine. It is miraculous and I can
experience this forever.
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 11
Author's biography
The writer is a woman of immense spiritual dimension supported
by a very solid day to day practicality and down to earth nature. She was
born in Italy and lived for the first twelve years near the rugged northern
picturesque mountainous terrain of Piemonte. Then her family moved to
Melbourne Australia, where change of environment was in total contrast
to that in Italy.
It should be mentioned that the biggest effect in life that the author
experienced was a reluctant move from Italy to Australia at age twelve.
This transition conflicted with her own desires of SOUL GROWING. As a
consequence of the move she experienced an enormous mental
disadvantage, which became a handicap in life and eventually has given
birth to this book. The pain inside herself for the loss of her country was
more than she could endure.
In her own words...."This is a story of a little girl, called Cynthia
whose desire to move forward in life was intense. Her mum's love and
security were important so that she could feel confident towards her life’s
journey. Much love was needed from her family to comfort her burnt and
hurt soul from previous lives. Her soul was "dark" and was looking
forward in becoming a light for people to see and for her to enjoy. She
wanted to find peace inside. To send the demons out of her soul, so she
could have God and the love from her soul to be part of her. That way
she would give and give to all equally.
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 12
She was eager to live life and her soul was screaming out. “Please
help me see, I want to see.” Her "spider webs" of parental upbringing
were thick and she found it hard to see where the beginning was so as to
untangle them. Her dear mother caught in her own spider web
misunderstood the child's needs and desires. She could only comfort her
with these wise words.
"Cynthia, my dear, the beauty within you will shine out one
day. The more, your soul will sparkle the more your face will glow.”
And so the child kept searching for answers, until one day she met
this lovely lady that taught her, how to speak to her own angels on a
conscious level. From that day on Cynthia was happy. She always knew
angels existed. Now they were her very own. Cynthia happily began the
painful tedious slow process of pulling down her spider webs; while her
angels protected her from harm and praised her on her achievements.
The angels were constantly there with each step of the experience.
Cynthia was looking forward in becoming the light that her dear mother
was talking about.
The light to freedom and the awakening of the soul to its fullest
authenticity. She was determined to clear out the “gunk” that way she
would have more space for a clearer communication with herself and
others.
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 13
Hard as it may seem God loves us all equally and really and truly
wants only the very best for each one of us. The only thing missing is
understanding his message.
My love is with you
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 14
LANGUAGE OF THE SOUL
Life is a quarry, out of which we are to mould
and chisel to complete a character.
My desire is, for this book to be, easy and fun, to bring
life and fulfillment into your life. To expand your horizons
beyond fear.
Life is a wonderful kaleidoscope with the most magical
colours that nature and God has put there for us to enjoy.
Let’s be strong enough and take one small colour at a
time until our whole picture makes sense. There is a God in
all we do and have, then love embraces this criteria, while the
fallen angels and our ego-mind, stay ready to take us on roads
that normally have no positive outcome.
Life means movement and we are part of that movement
when out of stagnation we find ourselves.
Energy pushes our experiences along the road of life.
God bless and enjoy the book.
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 15
NOTES
My love is with you
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 16
Author's goals and achievements
1.
Importer/Exporter liaison Broker.
2.
Lecturer/Therapist.
3.
Writer/Adventurer.
4.
Home maker/Family provider.
5.
Search for Personal Love/ Happiness
6.
Achieving her purpose and mission in life.
7.
helping people become the beauty of their Souls.
8.
Reiki healer.
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 17
As you set out for new horizons,
let a spirit of Adventure light your way.
Keep following your brightest dreams,
your highest hopes,
wherever they may lead...
Take pleasure in discovering the special joys and triumphs
each day holds.
Live life from the bliss within and discard all the rest.
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 18
THEME OF BOOK
The open window to my soul, the lost road.
Deals with the search for understanding, why the soul was taken
on the wrong road. The road to despair rather then Bliss. I want to go
beyond the obvious of a person's daily life.
By asking myself, how am I going to explain a feeling that is being
experienced, when silence is needed to fully understand its meaning?
I will give it a go with the help of a team of angels and Ali my best
friend.
Together we will bring forward the experiences of a child in total
turmoil within herself, due to lack of understanding.
She is looking for that light that key to help turn the knob in order
to open the window and let her soul free, to express itself to the fullest
without fear.
Episodes described in a gentle simple way with the true intention
to only create the desire to then eventually open your own window, to the
great gift that you are.
"This is what I am... look... do not be afraid!....You also
can look inside your own window to your soul!"
How wonderful it would be to have thousand’s of people
living from the essence of their true Selves.
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1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 19
NOTES
My love is with you
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 20
CHAPTER
1
Awakening to the power of her essence
The curtains were of pure white lace with beautiful rose motifs
on them. The window was white colonial. It was a bay window
where Cynthia could sit for hours and look out into the
distance of her immense property where she lived.
It reminded her of another lifetime when God wanted to
communicate with her and have regular debates together. She
was afraid in that lifetime, and so led an ordinary life like
anyone else in that country town. This time it was different,
her country property created an inner desire for her to grow
and expand as a spiritual being.
That is where Ali, Cynthia’s best friend, found her this early
spring morning, when she called to see how she was. As Ali
entered, she received a strange welcome.
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1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 21
“Ali, how do I explain to people how I feel during an
experience?”
Being the wise, gentle person that I was, I sat next to her and
putting my hand on her shoulder said, “See the trees and the
wind out there?…. Tell me.... Do you think you can place that
wind in your hand and hold it there?”
Cynthia thought for a moment. Then with a smile on her
delicate face, with white skin and long straight blond hair that
enhanced her clear blue eyes.... she replied, “No, Ali, I don't
believe I could.”
To Ali, Cynthia’s face always looked like an angel, with the
expression on it now even more beautiful than ever before.
So as they turned around facing each other, Ali said, “Tell me
all about it.... What is actually happening to you right at this
moment in time?”
“I am feeling happy, very happy, for I have achieved in life all
that I could possibly desire to achieve. I have lived a life of
total intensity, mental intensity. I experienced all the emotions
that a person can experience. I have learned to set up a debate
between the mind and my inner God. I have understood the
purpose of me being like I was ‘handicapped’. Some people are
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 22
handicapped physically, some mentally; it all amounts to the
same restricted life style.
“Oh, Ali, how I wish I could tell mankind about my thoughts,
my emotions and my feelings! I want them to know how it
feels, what I have gone through…. all the pain, sorrow,
frustration, restrictions, desires, and now love, one of the
deepest feelings. What am I going to do with it? How am I
going to handle my feeling of LOVE? Love for me, for me
becoming authentic, for me becoming that love that I always
wanted to be, which radiate out of all my cells and give to all
humans, equally.
“Ali, please help me understand my next step. Am I to lose this
happiness or can I hold it and increase it to the ultimate level
of beauty where I can live, enjoy life, prosper and contribute to
the happiness of others from the magic of my soul? Or do I
need to suffer more, so as to reach heaven?”
“No, my dear” said Ali, “there is no need for you to continue on
the road of despair and mental confusion. Let's go inside the
window of your awakening and see what hidden treasures you
have found…. plus all that you have discovered, and put
together for yourself during all these years of search and
elimination of your spider webs.”
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 23
Cynthia got very excited and ran to her bedroom, only to
return with a pile of papers as thick as five books. “There!” she
said, “These are all the words, the thoughts, fears, rejections,
conversations between my inner voice, the mind, my angels
and my higher self. All the past memories trapped and locked
in my subconscious and unconscious mind, body cells and
other energy fields. All the experiences I have re-lived during
these last six years of clearing, including smudges from the
tears.
“Now that I look back, I can see and understand that all had
its purpose, even the writings as they became more and more
intense in the process of changing to a higher state of
consciousness.”
Cynthia continued, “Do you think we can make some sense
with all the writings and put them in a book form, so that
other human beings out there in this fast changing world of
ours will find some light from my experiences?”
“We can certainly make an effort,” said Ali “to give the world
the open window to your soul with all its treasures and fears.”
“Thank you, Ali,” said Cynthia.
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 24
“Cynthia, do you think you could be a darling and make me
one of your herbal teas?”
“Yes, you keep reading and I will be back in a jiffy.”
Ali continues, “What I can suggest, is for you to sort out your
experiences that are of importance, then together we will look
at them and see how to place them in the book. This will give
you a sense of balance and achievement and maybe, even
satisfaction. When finished, if you are still of the idea of
publishing your memoirs while letting the whole world know
about your most intimate part, I can see one of the publishers
who is a friend of mine and get a quote.”
“Thank you, Ali”, said Cynthia, “I really appreciate your
kindness, love and compassion you have towards me. You
have always been my most intimate voice, just like my angels
are.... They also are always there ready to help me, comfort
and keep me on track.
“As long as I can remember, which is when I was fifteen
months old, they have been with me, loved me, helped me
through the tragedies, emotions, confusion, and attitudes,
that were part of my patterns. The angels organized situations
for me to experience. I speak to them on a daily basis. They,
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 25
also, are my best friends and together we plan and achieve
goals.”
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 26
CHAPTER
2
To learn how to balance our thoughts and feelings
A few days went by and I, Ali, had not heard from Cynthia. I
wondered how she was doing and if she was really serious to
publish her experiences. I was getting agitated and curious,
and although I still had sufficient work to keep me busy for a
few more days before my project was finished, I decided that
seeing Cynthia was more important.
She constantly brought joy into my life. Her open smile was
like a ripple of fresh water to my soul. Oh!! How I longed to
see her. How I wanted to be with her, this time more then
ever. It was exiting, for she had something very deep to share
with me. I will be the first person to really know all of her most
intimate experiences, I thought to myself, although, on odd
occasions, we had spoken about some.
I quickly got dressed in my blue and white dotted dress,
placed the blue brim hat with a white scarf around it on my
head, picked up the handbag and popped into the car. I
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 27
directed myself towards Cynthia's home. It was always a
pleasant drive, the 50km to her farmhouse.
Today in particular, I was more aware of the surroundings. I
noticed the colour of the trees, the cows and sheep in the
meadows. In a paddock, there were two horses making love.
How lucky we humans are, I thought to myself. We have all of
the answers right at our fingertips. How the laws of the
universe work, and how our law works. It is expressed all
around us, especially in the changing of the four seasons, the
night and day. The good and bad, or dark side as Cynthia calls
it. It made me wonder why we, ourselves, forget to implement
and follow these very simple steps to help us achieve our goals
in life. The steps of listening to that inner voice that is so
accurate when it speaks to us and when followed, life is bliss.
Why has God given us all these gifts and clues if we forget to
understand, take notice and use them? Maybe only the wise
take the time to make themselves part of these laws. They are
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 28
not lazy, because their desire is to flow easily with the current
of life.
Recently I noticed most of the people were rushing and each
year were getting progressively more stressed. My viewpoint is
that daylight saving was a very good indication we like living in
a world of make-believe. We focus our attention on external,
worldly actions more than the realization, of a wonderful
communication with our inner feeling. Are we strong enough
to actually express these true feelings to others without fear? I
wonder what express train those people are catching?.... Did
they know their destination, or really understand the purpose
for them being here? We could have chosen another galaxy.
But no, we are all here because we need to grow and learn,
mainly how to balance our thoughts and feelings and then
become authentic and fully integrated: how to have unity and
love for one another, by giving of ourselves freely, to have
patience and respect while the other grows spiritually and
unfolds its full potential as a being or soul, to enjoy the
beautiful godlike creation that we all are, to give space and
respect to the wishes and needs of others, without controlling
their desires, needs and genuine progress and to realize that
our strengths can be another person’s weakness.
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 29
Oh, my goodness! What happened? My mind just kept talking
and talking, so much so, that without even realizing it, I have
reached Cynthia’s front gate to her magnificent cottage.
Cynthia was at the front door to greet me with the biggest
smile I had ever seen on her face. Her eyes where glowing like
diamonds and the beauty from within her was radiating out
for miles.
“Good morning, Cynthia” I said.
“Good morning, Ali, I am so glad you listened to your inner
voice and came out to see me. I have been excited for the past
few days while doing what we decided to do. I read through the
words I wrote and was amazed to see how easy they flowed on
paper.
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1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 30
“When I think back and realize I only did a few years at school
in Australia, I am surprised to see that I can write. I remember
how my mum, being a schoolteacher, always did the essays
and homework for me. Only what she wrote and said was good
enough.
“My opinion never mattered. I was considered dumb,
unimportant and stupid. This was imprinted in my
subconscious day in day out until her death in 1976. I still
loved my mother and was totally obedient to her desires. To
me, her personality pushed my soul’s energy and individuality
into the bottom of my being. Unfortunately, I noticed that this
created a mental disharmony later in my everyday life. And the
idea that I was ugly and useless haunted me until very
recently” Cynthia continued, with tears rolling down her
cheeks.
“Oh, I am soooo sorry, please come in. As you can see, I am
overexcited about this whole project. I love you, Ali; you are a
true friend, like unselfish, kind, generous friends need be. You
give of yourself without expectations. You love with this deep
sense of responsibility. You receive from others with the same
humility that you give. And you are always ready to do, no
matter who it is, without wanting recognition. I love you and I
always will.”
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1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 31
As we went inside, I looked through the pages that Cynthia
had carefully put together and we both decided that people
may like to hear one of the most vivid and painful experiences
Cynthia lived through when she was fifteen months old,
regarding her brother.
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1994. All Rights Reserved.
Page 32
CHAPTER
3
My big brother, I wanted him back, he was my contract
“Ali, I remember quite clearly, as if it was yesterday, when I
was fifteen months old and we had just had lunch, soup it
was. I had been put to bed in my cot when all of a sudden I
hear screams and voices. The chaos was so intense, it made it
hard for me to understand what the words were. I lay there
without a sound. I waited and waited for hours.
“When suddenly I see a light floating around my cot. I look at
it in wonder and amazement, but no fear. It speaks to me; it
was my older brother.
“Cynthia,” he says, “I am not dead; they think I am. When the
doctor gets here everything will be all right. I must not die; we
need to be together this lifetime and to accomplish what we
have set out to do.”
“Where is your body?” I say mentally, for my vocabulary is that
of a fifteen months old child.
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“In the other room, warm, waiting for the doctor.”
Those where bad times: the bombs exploding, Nazis killing
innocent people, the doctors having more patients than they
could cope with. Every one was praying and hoping the doctor
would come on time to save my brother.
Five hours had gone past and I was still in my cot, my parents
had forgotten about me.
The doctor came, but believed it was too late and dangerous to
do something to try and remove the poison from my brother’s
body. Although the body was still warm, the doctor declared
the child dead.
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I see the light again. “I must leave you now; no one believes I
am not dead. Remember one thing, Cynthia; you have angels.
They are lights like me now, and they love you and will help
you always. Never fear, be good and still do what we were
missioned to do.”
“My darling, please don't leave me; come back” I screamed.
Those words were of no comfort to me. I wanted my big
brother’s soul to be alive, not his words. I cried and cried and
for a whole year, no photos of my brother could stay around
the house without me screaming and wanting him back.
“Ali, I still feel the pain for such loss, because we were meant
to be together. He was mine and a 15 year old baby-sitter had
the nerve to kill him.”
This sorrow went on for years and years, until one day I asked
my mum to give me my brother back. To know he was there as
a light was of comfort to me, but I did not understand how I
could be with him, play with him and do things together. So I
wanted him back as flesh and blood. I did not know how
brothers came about, but I promised my mum I would be very
good if she gave me my brother back, and so I was. I waited
and waited. I was as good as I could possibly be and when
mum finally told me that it was impossible for me to have a
brother, I got very ill. No one knew what the sickness was. The
OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL LOST ROAD ©
1994. All Rights Reserved.
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disappointment of the denial of my brother and the betrayal of
my mother was more then I could handle at the age of
thirteen.
My heart was broken, my mind perplexed; I had no more hope.
I had no one to hold my hand; I was all alone once more. Life
was repeating itself. What will I hold onto now? My country
had been removed from me including friends, relatives,
mountains, and so on.
I had suppressed anger towards my mother. I wanted to be
back in Europe with Phillip, my boy friend. I missed the
school. I was barely surviving as a soul. The removal from my
natural path to a country I had not chosen as my destiny,
gives me now a deeper insight as to how important it is to
understand the difference between the man-made intelligence
and the natural intelligence of the soul.
My brother did not come back to me until after I got married
and had children of my own. Thank goodness that he did, as
one of my most beautiful children. My life of spiritual
awareness changed just by the presence of his energy.
“Ali, let us have a break because the tears are back and my
sorrow still open. I want to enjoy this free blowing wind of the
first day of spring. Spring brings happiness to my heart; it
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brings a new beginning to the soul, new resolutions and new
life to the trees and our bodies. Can you feel it?”
“Yes I can, and you know how much I rejoice with the smell of
fresh grass and new flowers. It reminds me of when I was in
England. I am a complete romantic and I love it,” contributes
Ali with a laugh.
NOTES
My love is with you
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CHAPTER
4
NO MORE RUNNING
The reality of life’s purpose
“Oh! Cynthia, you are overwhelming me with your stories. I
never knew that side of you. I always considered you a happy
go lucky soul, that nothing took your smile away. I have never
seen you cry, nor sad. You really surprise me. What made you
all of a sudden, at this age, want to share your experiences
with me and the world?”
“Because, Ali, I became sick and tired of running away,
running away from the truth that belonged to the reality of my
inner expression, the inner voice that continuously talked to
me with such accuracy and I was afraid to follow. When I trust
and follow my inner self, I feel wonderful. I know without a
doubt that I am on the right road. All my life, I obeyed my
parents and the church. It was tradition, so my most inner
desires were left unfulfilled. I was afraid to go for what I
wanted out of life: to create a reality that was conscious,
deliberate and meaningful to me. So every time the situation
got tough, I kept on running. And this is how it started. When
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I was twelve and was finally happy with my mother, she
decided to immigrate to Australia.
“People mention that all that happens in life is meant to be,
but I know that my experiences in life, connected to society’s
intelligence, took my soul on the lost road. The clues that this
was true were the frustration, anger and restlessness that I
was feeling. These signals belonged to the ‘alarm system’ that
my soul was ‘off track’ and because I discarded them, my body
started becoming very ill and I was unable to reunite with the
Divine.
“With this in mind, Ali, I wonder if my mum was actually
running from reality, the reality of her life's purpose: of living
the wonderful teacher that she was, in Italy. Or, maybe she
was afraid? From the many opportunities that were available,
she chose to follow her husband to Australia? How sad!
“Duty, tradition, expectations from others, feeling judged and
guilt were probably her main thoughts. All the feelings and
emotions she was experiencing when she needed to take the
decision were dismissed.
“‘Will I follow my husband to Australia?’ Deep inside herself
she knew the correct answer. Her weakness stopped her from
remaining in her own hometown.
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“‘I will be a good wife and go to the land where my husband is.’
In Australia she became an unhappy martyr that was of no
use to herself, her husband, or me. Ali, do you want to hear
my side of this story?”
“Of course I do, please continue.”
OVER THE OCEAN FAR AWAY
“It was winter; the snow had gone away and left the watery
marshy roads where my small feet soaked as I walked home
from school each day. The mountains produced a great deal of
snow each year and the same marshy situation.
“‘Spring will soon arrive,’ I said to myself as I kicked the last
piece of snow. Then I will be able to roll in the fields and be
caressed by the tender green grass and all the wild flowers,
which last for months on end. Each few weeks, the mountains
and fields were filled with new, beautiful flowers.
Just like the beauty I was feeling inside myself at that point in
time, I absolutely had everything a child could want: a
beautiful mother, my father overseas, a boyfriend called Philip,
a garden to play in…. flowers, friends and food, what more was
there?
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“For the first time I was totally happy and wanted my life to
stay exactly how it was. I was asking life to give me nothing
else, just this small bliss: my own paradise, here on earth.
“No, absolutely, No! This was not possible. My dearest mum,
whom I wanted to be mine and love me, totally decided to
follow my dad to the land called Australia. I wondered where
that land was. What is it all about? I do not want to go. I
rebelled; I rebelled with all my strength, inside and out. My
soul was devastated by the idea of missing out on its destiny.
“‘Mum!’ I said, getting some courage. ‘We must not go. I want
to stay here. Here is my home. I am happy and we need
nothing more.’”
“Your father is lonely, he needs us.”
“No, you are weak, and it is wrong.
“I was twelve and my opinion was worth, in the eyes of
my mum, less then twopence.
“What am I going to do? I want to save myself from tragedy,
but my efforts were in vain. Fortunately enough, destiny was
on my side. We were able to remain in Europe a while longer,
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due to the illness I had when I was five years old. Mum
continued to talk to the medical profession and finally
managed to have a visa approved. It was very sad and I
wanted to cry and scream. I felt it was totally wrong for us to
leave. What is the opinion of a child?
“‘Children are to be seen and not heard,’ I would hear my
mum and uncle say. I was in distress. Yet, I knew I’d better
organize myself and learn how to say Hello, Bread, good-bye,
Bakery, and another ten words. My father was a baker.
“On the 23rd of May we boarded the ship Neptunia and sailed
towards the unknown land of Australia where the big surprise
of not being able to express myself awaited me. I was speaking
three languages and yet, no one understood a word that I was
saying. It took six months of silence before I could speak
English.
“On the ship I was full of life and immediately the whole ship
was mine. I knew every square inch, all the crew and
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waitresses. I had resigned to my new life and wanted to make
the most of every day on the ship. After we passed the equator
a terrible sickness hit all the people on the ship. We were all
very sick. We had no water, no cool air and no medication. It
was terrible. One person died and we buried it at sea. The
service was touching and I cried because it reminded me when
my grandfather had passed and I was devastated.
“Mum did not see how all of this had a message for her. How
the message was saying, ‘Return to your home land.’ But home
we did not return. How very easy it is to follow tradition and
the rules of society. How much harder it is to follow the heart
when it wants and needs all that is different from the rules of
society.
“Where does this right and wrong and judgment come in? We
say God is the only one that can judge us?
“Where is God? Who is he?
“Is it not that I have a God inside of me and I can judge myself
each day? When at the end of each day I find no happiness in
what I do, is that not sufficient to let me know that something
in my life is very wrong? Does it not mean that I need to sit
down quietly and re-evaluate my situation, or look at it from
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another angle to see where I can improve and how, so as to get
back on track on the road of the soul?
“What is life telling me at this point in time? Is it showing me
that the choice I made today has brought great joy into my
life? If not, do I want to be happy and know the truth? I do
want to know what makes a human being act the way it acts.
“I know I came here to learn. I have reached a point where my
road is perfectly clear and I feel empowered by having released
my past. Clearing out the excess baggage has liberated me
from being mentally confused to understanding life just as it
really is. This change in me all started the day my mum died.”
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THOUGHTS
Monday -- My fight and rebellion in life was connected to the
concept that verbal teaching was damaging and humiliating to
the individual. Self-realization of a subject, word or experience
is so much more effective and long lasting. It is eternal.
Let me expand on these words of wisdom. What I mean is: by a
parent saying this is the way you eat and insist that, that is
the only proper way to eat is creating conflict and separation
inside the child.
By realization I mean: each individual needs to discern and
come to the conclusion of what is right and proper for them.
The energy and wisdom of the soul is the guiding light that will
keep the child continuously on the road of bliss.
Tuesday -- In one way or another, I have come across people
of a selfish nature. By the pain experienced by their behavior,
it made me look deeper within myself. I was able to correct the
pattern of giving more than my fifty percent to others and less
to myself. By changing the percent, the blaming situation
came to a halt and I gained the self-confidence and know-how
to make it happen. I felt more secure in receiving less from the
selfish person.
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HABITS
I feel each time I am close to eliminating a habit the situation
gets tougher. At this moment, I have many negative people
rattling my peace. I have the habit of finding excuses for not
continuing or carrying a situation to the end. The excuses for
example are: the phone, car, person, weather, being tired and
so on, any excuse to cover my real reason, which is fear of
success.
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CHAPTER
5
THE DEATH OF A MOTHER
Nothing gets cancelled until we repay the willful damage.
It was during the earthquake, and I was very angry and
disappointed my mother decided to die without first having
been a real mum to me.
I cried next to her bed for 48 hours and told her exactly what I
thought of her. All the mental thoughts that for years and
years were inside of me and I was afraid to express, in case of
hurting her, all of a sudden these mental thoughts poured out
of me. I wanted her to know who I really was. I wanted her to
be a friend, and most of all to be a mother and finally, love me
just as I was with the different personalities that made up my
character—the mysterious character that seemed to give the
impression that I was ‘Lunatica’ rather than creative.
I asked her soul part to stay with me for a while until she
could understand and appreciate my different qualities. I was
yearning to make up for the years of missed love and
understanding towards each other. Although this was different
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from the real thing, I decided it was better than nothing. ‘She’
agreed, and so the healing started taking place.
We did lots of things together in the four years mum stayed
with me as a spirit. We healed and healed and it helped me
connect with the internal beauty that wanted to shine out.
After her departure, I continued my healing process, which
took ten more years, many tears, painful days and lots of
episodes of earlier memories that were filed in the folders of
the subconscious mind and had not been erased properly by
an understanding. I was determined to become my true self, to
stop the process of passing down to the children all my beliefs
and memories of internal baggage.
“Ali, do I make sense? Have I smoothly and quickly expressed
myself to you?”
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“Cynthia, you are amazing,” says Ali. “The courage it must
have taken to do all that you have done is admirable. I am
honored to be your friend, here in this wonderful property at
this very moment, enjoying your writings and the stories that
you have to tell. I love you. Let us hug so the dense energy will
energetically change.”
Ali continued, “I also believe in the power of the soul. Luckily
enough, my life has been less dramatic. I had a simple
childhood and both my parents loved me unselfishly. Enough
about me; let me see some more pages, and then I must return
home to finish the huge project that I am in the middle of
doing.”
“Very well,” said Cynthia, with that enthusiastic, vibrant
attitude that projected the value traced for her from all the
experiences she had the courage to regroup.
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CHAPTER
6
THE POND
The fear to look
“Ali, I want to explain the situation between my mother and
me a little further with a quote from Mathew: ‘An eye for an
eye and a tooth for a tooth.’
“What Jesus really meant was, nothing is really cancelled until
we, ourselves fix it by repaying what willful damage has been
made to another.
“I’ll give you an example: How can going to confession fix a car
I have just smashed into? The same principal applies to
people. I need to fix the damage, pain or sorrow I have caused
to another human being. Some people believe that forgiving is
more appropriate. I prefer fixing, then letting go.”
“Cynthia, I know what you mean, even if sometimes I find it
hard to accept another person's opinion, such as yours now. I
prefer to be the one to have the idea and inspiration. My mind
prefers to be in charge of life rather than flow with it. By being
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a control freak I feel better. The other way, I feel I lose control.
What am I saying?”
“Ali, I understand you perfectly. What I am hearing you say is
sacred to you as a person, but there is more to life than the
obvious. One day, I would love you to experience the voice of
the Higher Self inside you, which is so loving and caring.
When you become open to that voice, life is fun and miracles
start happening with each occasion.
“With this note, let us take a break and cleanse ourselves,
then go out into the garden and enjoy the sunshine while we
have a gourmet lunch,” Cynthia suggests.
Ali noticed how the sun by now was warm and was reflecting
through the delicate pale green leaves.
We decided to enjoy our lunch near the pond that was an inlet
from the fresh creek that ran through Cynthia’s entire
property surrounded by pine trees. From here we could see the
big, clean, blue pool, which was close to the pond. Cynthia’s
children spent endless hours enjoying the coolness of the
water that stimulated their appetite and kept them
entertained, since there was nothing else around for miles.
Surrounding the small pond grew every imaginable herb,
which Cynthia used to keep her family young and healthy by
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using the herbs as teas, potions and food. Cynthia believed in
natural healing.
Tall European trees with deciduous leaves where scattered on
the nearby land that surrounded the garden of the house. It
reminded Ali of an English setting. So much care was put into
it. The animals that grazed on the other side of the fence were
happy and contented. It felt like paradise on earth and Ali was
soaking it all up while Cynthia made a gourmet lunch.
Suddenly, as we where sitting near the pond and I was taking
a bite from one of Cynthia’s healthy sandwiches with flowers
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and delicious home made salami, what do I see?... A brown,
slimy, crawling snake coming straight at me. Fear was my
major key, and confusion, due to the power of my mind!
My intellect was giving me information different from my
higher self, creating the suffering and frustration and sweat I
was going through. All of a sudden I let out this enormous
scream. Cynthia looked at my pale face and confused attitude.
“What is the matter, Ali?” Up to this point, Cynthia thought
that Ali was ‘perfect’ and that nothing could disturb her
calmness and good sense of direction.
“Snake ... a .. snake”, Ali screamed.
“Relax!” Cynthia said in her calm voice; “put your feet on the
chair and it will pass you by.”
“Oh dear”... my mind was disoriented and my body shaking.
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“I was finding it hard to breathe. It was like a nightmare for
me.”
“Ali”, said Cynthia, “I wish I did not have to say this to you. In
a situation like this one, this is where the soul can ‘hit’, by
showing the person that thinks it has nothing to change to
bring these emotions to the surface. Are you afraid of honest
communication with yourself?
“Did something happen to you in your childhood to make this
emotion come to the surface and look dirty, or wrong in your
mind’s eye? Or maybe it stems back much further?”
“Why do you say that?” asked Ali.
“The snake is a sex symbol and your attitude is different from
the confident Ali I know,” Cynthia replied.
“Let me think about it while I finish your delicious lunch,”
replied Ali; “I want to catch my breath.”
FEAR TO DISCOVER WHAT THE FEAR IN ALI WAS
“Do you know, Cynthia, I am really afraid to look? I am not
like you that can look inside your window and see exactly
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what treasures lie there and bring them to the surface. What
are the treasures I am speaking of? My fears...!
I speak of my past. What is me now. What powers have I
hidden there that I am drawn to coffee, escape in bed, goofing
off, overworking myself, or procrastinating? Don't want to
totally know how to become Authentic.”
I am so afraid to look.
“This is all I have, ‘my personality’. When I tell you the truth, I
am afraid I will not like it. I am comfortable with my pretences.
And to tell you the truth, I am afraid of the responsibility that
goes with commitment and power.
“It will no longer be a childish game. It will be a proper game
with all the right pieces” Ali chatted with herself.
“Cynthia, I am so ashamed of myself. For so many years now I
have behaved properly in your presence. Look at me, I am a
wreck” said Ali.
THE PENETRATION INTO THE FEAR
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“Ali, it is ok, just sit there quietly and really find out what this
snake phobia is all about. I am going to help you get through
this, trust me.”
Ali sits there unable to relax. The feeling of wanting to go to
bed or making a cup of coffee is back again rather than doing
as Cynthia said. Her feet are constantly moving; she is not
relaxed and thinks doing something else is much easier.
“Do it, Ali” I say to myself. There is still resistance and I feel
cold now. My feet are even more agitated, the diaphragm on
my stomach is heavy like when I was pregnant. My shoulders
are heavy. I am shivering and yawning. I think of the house I
would like to win. I wonder how I would feel if I win it.
I feel I cannot penetrate to the bottom of my soul to seek what
the answer is. It looks as if a lake is between the top of my
head and the bottom of my soul. I need to penetrate the lake.
I need to know how I can do it. I still want to run away and go
to bed. If the mental pains get too strong, I will. The rebellion
by now is quite strong.
“NO, Ali… Penetration into the lake is really what I want at
this point in time. The carrot of the house will probably
indulge me to want to try.
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“Ali, keep breathing in and out slowly. It looks as if your mind
has been through gymnastics,” says Cynthia.
A brief moment of silence then a scream….
“Hurrah, Cynthia... I have done it!!!.....
I know what it is. I am still shaking and feeling disoriented for
the memory that has come to my mind. “As you can see, I am
even finding it hard to talk. It's as if the world has caved in on
me. I really mean my mind…. My soul part is fine. Cynthia, I
feel relieved for the discovery. I want to express to you all of
my feelings on this occasion. In the past, the episode has been
like a nightmare for me.”
Before we continue with Ali’s story of what made her so afraid
to look and remember, I want to point out how deceiving
appearances can be. Even the most composed person in the
world can have deep down suppressed episodes that create
confusion and tension whenever re-stimulated by the reactive
mind. So let us listen to the story that Ali has been given by
her angels as a vision:
“Cynthia, I was eight years old, my parents were too poor to
afford a house of their own, so they were paying rent to my
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uncle. It was very hard living all together in such a small
house. My brother and I had to be very quiet or the family
would have ended up homeless.
“One night at the dinner table I accidently spilled my plate of
soup. My uncle went into a rage. I wet my undies from fear. He
hit me. I did human waste in my pants. He went absolutely
out of control. He threw me outside in the back yard and said
that pigs like me were meant to stay outside where the devil
and all evil spirits were. He locked the door so I could not get
back in.
“It was a black night, no stars or moon. There were no
streetlights. The darkness was all around me. I cried and
yelled and screamed to be let in, but no one would. My uncle
told me it might teach me a lesson to stay there. I was alone.
Then the fear, the terror…. where were the devils and the
spirits?”
“Ali, keep breathing deeply in and out. I am going to get you a
long, cold drink of water. When I return I would like you to
finish narrating the story as if it was happening right now in
present time. That way it will be more effective and the
sensations vivid, giving them a chance to be cleared
completely. Now let us continue, while the memory is fresh in
your mind.”
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“I can feel the spirits. They are all around me. They feel as if
they are going to eat me, torture me, and take me to some
incredibly evil place where I will be lost and live a life of
unimaginative terror, fear and pain. I am becoming terror
itself, I can’t move. I find it hard to breathe, my mind is not
mine any more, it does whatever it wants; someone or
something has total control of me.”
“Ali, breathe, take more breaths” says Cynthia with a loud
voice.
“I feel like a puppet on a string and someone else is pulling the
string. I think I passed out through sheer terror that pervaded
my whole body and soul. Every fiber in me is full of terror.
Eventually, I wake up to find myself in my aunt’s arms being
carried inside. She is crying and yelling that I was dead and
that my uncle was the one that did all this to me. My aunt
looked after me that night. I am sleeping with her in her bed.
My uncle is sleeping on the couch.
“While asleep in my aunt’s arms, I continue to have
nightmares. I am full of dreams of devils and evil spirits doing
the most horrible things to me.
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“Cynthia, can you see now why sometimes when you speak to
me about angels and spirits, I am skeptical? I was so
frightened without realizing why, until now.”
“Ali, can you get yourself to continue in past tense?” asks
Cynthia.
“Yes, I can. Anyhow, this state of affairs lasted for weeks and
months afterward. I would wake up screaming and keep
screaming for some time before someone could calm me down.
“My uncle became worse. He spent less and less time in the
house. His torment towards me diminished and made our lives
easier. I thought this episode of fear had left my memory bank
by the age of eighteen. But as you can see, the snake brought
all of these fears back this very moment.”
THE REBALANCING OF THE MIND AND FEELING
“Ali,” said Cynthia, “you have gone through a major clearing of
yourself today and, even while not being connected with sex as
people relate to the snake, it still has to do with
communication. That intimate part of you that wants to
express itself clearly, most of the time.
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“Please, Ali, lie down on my bed and let yourself be
transported into a dream state, so as to recharge your energy
fields. This way, you will be able to see images from within
your own soul and replace the hurt with love, forgiveness or
the beautiful feeling you choose.
“In your dream world you will be able to bring together the
inner and outer worlds, left and right brain, the masculine and
feminine in you for true creativity and expression. So when
you awaken, you will feel relaxed, energized and in control of
your life once more.
“This will happen because you are deciding what you want to
dream and consolidate from your experience. This way, today’s
episode of the snake will be gone forever and next time you
come across a snake, you will probably go up to it and say,
‘Hello’.”
Now, folks, while Ali is out there in the universe with her silver
cord extended as far as she wishes to go, I will indulge in
exploring deep inside myself for further answers of insights on
this amazing afternoon that removed and changed so much of
Ali’s energy to a newer level of consciousness.
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Wednesday -- Why am I still afraid to show people all my
thoughts and ideas? Why do I want to hide them? In this
period of my life while dealing with the above thought pattern,
I am finding it very hard to breathe. My chest feels squashed
and restricted. It feels as if there is a pressure connected with
time, time to perform. Time to do this. Time to do that. I am
standing still, yet I feel this pressure inside of me coming in
from all directions. How much easier if only I could show
people who I am, what I really want out of life, how I want it,
and what my real needs and feelings are.
Thursday -- Every time I give away some of my powers
unnecessarily to the person I love, it's as if a part of my body
is being mutilated. To show me in reality what I am actually
doing to myself, a precious item in that period of time, breaks,
gets lost, or destroyed. This circumstance makes me sad and
the sadness gives me a chance to look deeper within myself to
see why I am giving my power away, also what, in actual fact, I
am ready to release and change because I no longer require
such belief.
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CHAPTER
7
A 14 YEAR OLD DESIRE
They will cut my hair
I wanted to become a nun; it was at the age of fourteen. I
remember I was really paranoid about it. How could I go to
heaven, unless I was practicing chastity and had no evil
thoughts and was in a convent? I looked at the different
orders, strangely enough; I chose one that had a lot of prayer
and very strict discipline.
Now that I look back, it all made so much sense. As a soul, I
knew my purpose was to eliminate the dark side from within
myself and to pray for the salvation of the world. Society calls
it evil. I prefer to call it the dark side. The side that up to now,
I still needed to understand how to befriend it.
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A flower, or tree knows its purpose. They can understand what
their purpose is. I find it fascinating to see how any creature,
flower, item or whatever that we find beautiful and pleasing,
we refer to it as a ‘she’ or feminine, and the powerful things in
life as a ‘he’. That is correct, because the yin and the yang in
all of us is exactly like that, so our statement of description is
correct, we need not be afraid of expressing it like so.
As I was saying, being a nun at 14 was a very serious and
desirable adventure until the day I decided to do it and the
frightening truth of all the things I needed to renounce was
actually spelt out to me. One of them was my straight, shaggy
and ugly hair. Well, you will not believe it, it was as if they said
we will remove your head and you will die. For days and weeks
I prayed for that fear and awful feeling to go away. It was
actually glued on. It got stronger and stronger until with all
my shame, I had to go and tell mother superior that I no
longer wished to become a nun.
From that day on my penance towards myself increased. The
punishment was in beating myself, fasting, going to church
each day, wearing woolen jumpers in summer, not kissing
boys, not touching them. The more I did all this as I was
growing up, the more I rebelled, became unhappy and felt like
a hypocrite.
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The feeling inside me wanted to scream and break loose, live,
have fun and enjoy all that was around me. Yet I was trying so
hard to be good in the most unnatural way. I did not know,
nor understand until recently, the funny part of what I was
doing. I was following the way society and all the saint's books,
which I read, were living life, which was different from the way
I needed to live and love God. I was here on planet Earth to
have fun and enjoy life, to have God in me and not out of me,
to be part of the soul and its beauty, to love myself as I loved
others, to feel one with all things and to love and understand
mankind. All of these things were part of my journey and
purpose, yet I was acting in the way my Catholic upbringing
saw fit for me to act.
And so the torture inside me continued for years on end. Many
times I felt ready for a mental institution, maybe suicide.
Thank goodness for that wise inner voice that each time
helped me through the experience, so I could learn to
understand why I was experiencing so much. I would have
cried out to God, by saying, “God, don't you love me that I
need to suffer so, at all times?” Oh!!!! How wrong was I?
God loved me so much that he only wanted the very best for
me. It gave me everything I needed to live life as an awake,
authentic soul, from the Higher Self. It was I who did not
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understand the message correctly, on a mental and emotional
level.
No one had ever taken the time to say, “Cynthia, it is
appropriate for you to follow your inner feelings and voice at
all times. Use your reasoning and learning acquired from
schooling only when needed. Your soul will then show you
that life is as easy as breathing, joyous, fun and blissful.”
In 1983 I was introduced to a wonderful teacher; she helped
me REMEMBER everything my soul had learned from the
beginning of time. I learnt about: past lives, mediumship,
healing energetically animals and humans, about my talents
and what they are this lifetime, how to have the most
wonderful productive life, have fun, enjoy every experience as
a learning opportunity towards the expansion of
consciousness, rather than suffering and how to talk to my
personal angels consciously every moment of the day by
having meaningful conversations together.
I can sincerely say my life changed by having met the right
teacher. It felt magical and each breath I took was like a new
beginning, a new dimension, rather than a suffering process.
It became a forwarding experience into the realms of the
universe that has so much love and support for each of us. I
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no longer felt alone in this adventure of becoming an
individual.
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CHAPTER
8
MY MOTHER
Why become the victim of life, when you can be life itself?
As Cynthia sat on the edge of one of the cliffs that surrounds
her hometown, these are the memories and words that
appeared in her mind. The beauty of the greenery stimulated
Cynthia in writing these words:
There are so many things I want to say about my mother.
I will calm down, concentrate, compact my thoughts and start
from the beginning.
Cynthia pauses for a while because a strange thought and
feeling is appearing in her mind; the thought goes like this:
Funny enough, each one of us has a mother. From the story of
life, apparently, the first woman was created differently. Now
with the fall of mankind, we all need to go through the process
of the womb. . . . what pain and limitations right from the time
we enter this world.
There are signs of deep reflection by Cynthia. She is going
into deep meditation about this thought. Where is this
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thought going to take Cynthia? Will she see that the energy of
life wants to take her out of pain and limitations into a
dimension of divinity once more? We, her angels, are here to
help her understand how different the energy of the planet is
becoming, and how possible it is going to be on this earth to
resume the Paradise lost a long time ago.
Now the energy of her mind is quieting down and she can
return her thoughts to the pen and paper and continue writing
about her mother.
There are many things I want to say about my mother. I will
calm down, concentrate, compact my thoughts and start from
the beginning. My mother also came into the world through
the womb. When she arrived into the world, it was a most
delightful place. The water running underneath her home was
clear water. She could hear the rumbling noise as one of the
first sounds of this world. People’s voices, pots and pans,
bottles, plates, door bells and much, much more were all
sounds that filled her body with excitement.
Her parents owned a restaurant and grocery store in the small
village amongst the tall mountains. The mountains in this
valley have a specific message for the people: “We are here to
guide you” they say, “and the faces you see on the high points
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reflect the spirit of your ancestors, the psychic vibration is of
ancient descent. It goes back thousands of years.”
Cynthia continues. I am sure that the mountains want us to
use this endless energy to our advantage with the potential to
expand our spirituality. Where the valley forms a “V” shape
endless energy is stored and captured, transforming the fields
into a living beauty of healthy grasses and flowers. Between
Piemonte and the Swiss border a time warp appears. While
standing in that magic space, the energy enables a person to
feel no pain, and with imagination they can even achieve the
impossible.
All in all, it is the most heavenly place any person can possibly
want to be part of.
My mother was born in this valley and so was I. How could
she then be so sad, when from the word go, she was
surrounded by all this beauty?
Yet she became sad, because she felt with her aura that
her parents would have very little time for her.
At the age of one month, her big brothers and sisters started
taking care of her. So her life of sorrow began, rather then the
life of trust and learning from the soul’s point of view. The soul
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knows the big picture; it also knows and is aware that when
the body and mind is under the influence of fear, the lesson
that needs to be learned becomes difficult.
“Ali, I need help in passing on to the reader the message that I
want to say. Can you be the soul of my mother and I am my
mother?”
“Very well, we can give it a go,” says Ali. “Look how happy your
family is. They love you and you chose this family to incarnate
into, with the help of your oversoul. Be happy, enjoy the
moment; all is perfect regarding the life you are going to live in
the future.”
“I am afraid,” replies Cynthia. “I have already forgotten the
purpose why I am here. While in my mum’s tummy the
memory was clear of how I was to bridge the gap between the
physical and the spiritual worlds. The picture was clear, and
all the tools that were necessary accompanied me here.”
Ali explains, “I do understand that the moment people are
born in this physical world things change. I realize that your
parents are not equipped with the knowledge of numerology,
astrology, memory blocks, set patterns, real purpose, past
lives and much more. They themselves got caught in the
density of this planet and became the victim, rather than the
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navigators of their own destiny. By keeping in mind your
purpose, you can establish a new way of life. The people in
your family will benefit from this.”
“Are you sure that all this is possible?” Cynthia asks.
“Of course, you have angels and a most incredible soul; you
can achieve your purpose” Ali replies. “So, then your children
will reach a greater state of consciousness, rather than
becoming the victims of circumstances and suffering unduly.
Your present family may consider you eccentric and different,
but it is worth it to remain in contact with your soul at all
times.”
Cynthia responds, “I will keep it in mind, Ali. Every time I go
off track, please keep reminding me and bringing me back to
the beauty of my soul with its purpose upon this earth.”
“You can bet your life that you will be reminded” Ali confirms.
“All you need do is listen to that inner voice of yours. Cynthia,
how did we do? Does the message you want to give the world,
does it sound clearer?”
“Maybe so” Cynthia replies thoughtfully. “Time will tell. Each
individual is born with specific challenges that need to be
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achieved. When we have no guidance from our parents in
understanding the child, the principles of life are lost.
“As my mother grew, she became more and more the victim of
circumstances by suffering unduly. The facts and reality of life
became lost. The communication triangle broke down and
confusion became part of her daily life. Money, the physical
body, schooling became the importance of life. Therefore, she
forgot to listen to the inner voice of her soul.
“And so, my mother totally forgot her purpose this
lifetime.
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“The purpose of her lessons was becoming her reality so, that
in turn, she could be the teacher towards my own goal. Her
example and wisdom would have conveyed the truth to others
with love and joy and, finally, the chain of a lower planetary
consciousness changed to a more loving, realistic life. I gave
her one more chance in life when I was born, to see the light of
her soul and then accomplish her mission.”
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CHAPTER
9
THE BIRTH OF A BEAUTIFUL GIRL
Overcome the fear of love and forgive rather than revenge.
It was a cold spring morning and my mother was still in bed
when her first labour pain arrived. She was alone and was
afraid. It was five a.m. Help was a long way away. She lay still
and waited. As the sun rose, she got the courage and opened
the bedroom window to call for help. My aunt came out of her
bedroom. “I need a mid-wife right away,” my mum said.
“We will go and get her” and off went my aunt.
By this time it was six thirty and I was feeling cramped and
ready to launch myself into the world. I was happy to be alive
and wanted to see what was going on. By seven twenty a.m.
out I came full of joy and hope. What a surprise; my mother
was alone, afraid and had a feeling of disgust for me and had
the courage to call me ugly, incompetent and a familiar
feeling, which I remember quite clearly when my mother was
seven months pregnant.
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She was crying that day while sitting on the windowsill looking
out, saying to herself, “I do not want this child.”
It is the wrong time. The father is wrong, all is wrong. How
wrong she was. Every thing was perfect for her lesson. Even
my brother was trying to tell her how wonderful it would be if
only she loved me and believed in me being conceived.
No, she wanted to believe that her opinion was right. And now
that same feeling of rejection and not being good enough was
back again. I could feel it in every part of my body. My dirty
face and body lay on her white sheets now spotted with blood.
I was mentally saying, “I bring you love and joy, mum, please
look at me and love me just a little.”
She silently waited for the mid-wife to arrive and totally
ignored me. Resigned, I could feel that my mission was going
to be even harder than I expected. I am strong as a soul and
will make it. I love my mother with all my heart and to me that
is important. I also was born with lessons.... the lesson to
overcome fear of love, love for myself and to forgive, rather than
want revenge. Together we will learn and become free, as long
as both of us play the part of learning correctly.
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As time went by, my love for mum grew and grew. I smiled at
her and enjoyed all the attention that was given to me. I was
tiny, gentle, kind and wanted to give her as little trouble as
possible, so that she could learn to love and accept me. She, in
turn, rejected me and suffocated my divines, found it difficult
to accept the love I had for her and the strength and unity that
existed between my brother and me.
It was all a continuation of events, from one tragedy and
emotional situation to another. She was a strong soul and I
admired her and wanted her to see how easy it was: only one
small thing she needed to learn this lifetime, just to be and let
all circumstances go by her. Just like the clear water
running under her home when she was born.
Putting on appearances was so important to her, including the
beauty of others without judgment became difficult for her to
do. She chose to run, to examine the circumstances and make
them her tragedy, thus becoming the victim of life rather than
life itself.
The doorbell rang and we decided to take a break from the
typing and story telling by enjoying the vastness of the
property that created such enchantment to our souls, like the
faith Cynthia had when she was two and a half years old.
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It was Sunday morning this particular day; I started telling Ali
and my daughter who had just arrived home from school. As I
woke, I had an idea, to go to mass.
“Ali, do you know what mass is? I am a Catholic and when we
go to church we hear mass, it is a way of praying.”
“Cynthia, of course I know what mass is,” Ali responded.
“Please continue.”
I went to church regularly with my aunts. This particular day I
decided that it was time for me to go alone, because I felt that I
knew exactly what was best for me out of life and how to go
out there and get it.
Every one was still sleeping. I got up, got dressed and walked
down the staircase of the old stone house onto the gravel road.
No one heard me; so far so good.
All was silent, no bombs and no soldiers around this
particular early morning. The sun was playing hide and go
seek with me. I took the short cut through the green grass
across the tall, tall, tall freezing bridge with the rumbling
water below. To me it looked like a big, bad monster, even
while remembering having seen and heard it many times
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before while with others. This day it was different. I was all
alone.
The feeling of panic was there. “Will it eat me or will I fall?” I
was thinking to myself. Better keep on going. I finally came to
the other side of the bridge and up the small path that lead
right to the top of the hill where the church was. I entered,
feeling rather pleased with myself although very lonely. As I
listened to mass, I prayed for my dear brother to come back
and be with me once more. After mass finished, like a little
lady, I started walking back towards home. The people of the
town were surprised to see me all alone. Being concerned,
someone decided to accompany me home by holding my hand
while having a conversation with me.
When I arrived home the welcome was far from pleasant; my
aunties started screaming and shouting at me, hitting and
insulting my mother, calling her names because she was
irresponsible as a mother.
Why did my Aunties look at the negative side of the story?
Nothing had happened to me. Instead of praising the small
child that had returned home unharmed and with a bunch of
flowers for them, they saw only what could have happened and
dwelled on that.
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“You see, Ali, this episode was recorded inside my mind and as
I was growing up it reappeared as a nightmare at the most
unwanted times, especially when I was in the process of
achieving success. Ali, the understanding that I want to bring
across to people with this small story is: the mind is like a
computer until we, ourselves, erase what is no longer needed;
it will continue to remind us of the same virus, whether we are
consciously aware of it or not.
“A child, as small as it may be, has the capacity to know and
handle many episodes connected with the soul even at an
early age. Normally, it is the parent who lacks the
understanding of the language of the soul and how much the
child is capable of doing for itself. The parent believes that the
child is a child, rather than an old soul.”
This brings to my mind these words of wisdom from the book
“You are God” written by Mary. She says, “Make it a practice
to look for beauty wherever you may be, for it is your great
fortune to encounter true loveliness in whatever it may be.
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Even if it happens once, in your lifetime, you will have an
experience to cherish for the remainder of your days on earth.”
See the beauty as much as you can rather than the negative
like my aunties did.
A week went by and I was furiously typing the rest of the
chapters we chose. That way Ali could read more of my book.
The two of us had become close friends and I cherished her
opinion very much.
I heard a car pull up and knew immediately that it was Ali.
She was the only visitor that came to see me without ringing
first. I went to the front door to greet her.
“Ali, come in, I have some delicious cheesecake in the fridge
that I can warm up for you. Would you like that?”
“Yes, please, Cynthia. The drive was full of traffic so it took a
little longer to get here.”
“Ali, while you were away I made an appointment with a
counselor to see why I am so afraid of ageing.” The only
appointment available was on the 29th of March at 1 p.m. and
that day and I had no car at my disposal. I thought to myself,
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I am so desperate that I am sure I could even walk there if I
had too. It was so important to see this counselor now. As it
turned out, a bus stopped right in front of her house.
“It was a small cottage with tons of character, just like the
owner. There were tall trees in front of the house covering the
beauty of the cottage. That day there were lots of birds on the
branches, chirping away happily. As I walked towards the
front door an insight occurred.
“Cynthia, let yourself be a tall tree where the birds (humans)
come and enjoy who you are, without you being disturbed by
their presence. Let them take what they need, giving all you
have without fear of loss. Be abundant and feel abundant
within yourself and you will feel young and joyful. I felt happy
with the discovery I had just made as I rang the front door bell
and the counselor answered.”
Another surprising episode happened that day that made me
feel happy and contented with the desire to continue on living.
On the bus sitting in front of me was an elderly lady. Her age
could have been round about seventy. When I looked at her
face, I thought I was seeing a mirage. Her face, although lined
with wrinkles and her hair pure white, sparkled with a light I
had never seen before on any other human. I wondered who
she was; I looked at her once more and said to myself,
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“Cynthia, you are no longer going to be afraid of ageing. I want
you to let go of all your inhibitions, entrapments and fears.
Place both feet together, rooted in the ground. Start living and
concentrate on the beauty within yourself, bring it to the
surface. Act in the grace of God which is what you really desire
and the rest will take care of itself.”
The affirmation sounded heartfelt and achievable. And that is
what I started doing from that day on.
The day turned out to be a special day of learning and
expansion in consciousness. The session was special, the
energy was high; by the time I returned to work, I was on
cloud nine. Now, any time the thoughts of vanity surface, I
quickly think of that dear, enchanting and lovely lady that I
looked at on the bus. God works in the most mysterious ways.
He certainly gives me all that I need when I need it.
“Ali, how is the cheese cake?”
“Excellent as usual” replied Ali. “I have been reading what you
have put together while I was away and I like it. I feel that we
will be able to publish your book and then start on the others
that are still hand written.
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“We have the ‘Open Window to My Soul, the Inner Sanctuary’,
which could be book two and ‘The Open Window to the Soul,
You Are Not Alone’, as book three.
“Now all we need do is find a small ending for this book. What
about these small poems?”
“Very well” replies Cynthia.
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LOVE IN VENICE
I feel your breath upon my face,
I feel my life revived again.
Your sweat I smell and it's like wine.
I taste your spirit and my heart soars.
We then become two eagles in an open sky.
We touch each other and become one,
bonded into an earthbound
spinning dive.
We climax then separate in time and space.
Our hearts are sorrowed, our egos hurt.
We are now in contrast between heaven and earth.
Our lives are desperate to resume once more the
upward flight of an earthbound spinning dive.
To relive again the spirit of the wind and the sky.
Like empty vessels of the EARTH.
Where love touches us deep, then takes us even
higher than before as two eagle in an open sky.
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I am as open to the Love of Spirit as a child can be.
I have no secrets or devious malice’s.
My feelings are pure although they make no sense.
I am love; I know I am, can anyone understand me? I search
in vain for freedom and approval, from others.
I struggle through the war of my mind and feeling. Then one
day an angel came to me and said, “Take my hand. I am here
with you; let's go together to the other side of pain, sorrow and
suffering. Let us adventure into the energy of love that resides
in all living things.”
So I went and together we adventured forward until the day
my angels actually appeared to me and with their beautiful
gentle caressing energies formed a circle around me.
The tears were swift from the joy of love. At that moment we
became bonded for the second time and my core became
aligned with my physical. The energies were now working
beautifully together as a synchronized melody and the fear of
aloneness and needing approval disappeared because love and
peace lived inside me.
THE END
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