Somerset Emotion Coaching Project
Emotion Coaching
• Part 1
Why do we need it?
• Part 2
What is it?
• Part 3
How do we do it?
Feelings
matter
Feelings
Matter
Watch this clip:
Are you disrespecting me?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zV1zK8zRCPo&feature=channel (3 min Lauren in the French class)
Whilst watching:
Identify the feelings going on underneath the behaviour in
a) The pupil
b) The teacher
The importance of a meta-emotion
philosophy(Gottman, 1997)
Emotional responses
Distress
Fear
Surprise
Anger
Disgust
Innate , hardwired and universal
Joy
The Connectome: Neuronal network linking up the areas of the brain
Denser network = Quicker, faster, more reliable
connections because ‘the sum of the parts is better
than the parts alone’
Mirror Neurons: Encode information about the external world and
goal-directed behaviour
They enable humans to emulate others and
thereby empathise & understand intent–
Essential for the socialization of children
Our brains
Limbic system
Frontal lobes
(Siegel, 2012)
The Vagus Nerve: Runs from the brain throughout the body and acts
on all organs
“The vagal system allows us to maintain continued social
engagement by modulating and fine-tuning sympathetic
arousal during emotional interpersonal exchanges” (Cozolino,
2006: 61)
Vagal tone: How well your fight/ flight response and vagus nerve are
balanced and work together, i.e. Regulate affect
Emotion Coaching helps to build
2 key mechanisms
Stress Regulation System Social Engagement System
• Ability to regulate stress of • Ability to interact with
others
life
• Ability to regulate feelings • Ability to understand
others
• Ability to regulate social
• Ability to make sense of
engagements
social relationships
• Ability to regulate stress of
• Ability to enjoy social
learning
relationships
= Self-regulation of emotions
= Self-regulation of behaviour
= Self-regulated learning
(Porges, 2011)
The root of all behaviour?
• Watch this clip – The Still Face Experiment
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0
• Watch for positive and negative behaviours
• What were these?
• Which ones were ‘upstairs’ brain behaviours and which
ones were ‘downstairs’ brain behaviours?
• Look at how this child has begun to develop an effective
stress response system by using pro-social behaviours
(social engagement system) to help overcome the stress
caused by the mother not responding
• Can you see the root of all behaviour in this clip?
What is Emotion Coaching?
• Based on research by John Gottman (1997) in
America
• CLIPS - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmsDTT3xgjo
• Research suggests it is a key to happy, resilient, and
well-adjusted children and young people
• Emotion Coaching is helping children and young
people to understand the different emotions they
experience, why they occur, and how to handle them
Emotion coaching style
“Much of today’s popular advice
ignores the world of emotions.
Instead, it relies on child-rearing
theories that address the children’s
behaviour, but disregard the
feelings that underlie that
behaviour” (Gottman, 1997)
What this means in practice
STEP 1
Recognising, empathising, validating the feelings
and labelling them
STEP 2 (If needed)
Setting limits on behaviour
STEP 3
Problem-solving with the child/young person
The steps
Emotion coaching involves
• Teaching children/ young people about the
world of emotion ‘in the moment’
• Giving children strategies to deal with ups
and downs
• Accepting all emotions as normal
• Using moments of undesirable behaviour as
opportunities for teaching
• Building trusting and respectful relationships
with children/ young people
Lessons learnt
To empathize
To read others’ emotions and social cues
To control impulses (Self-sooth and selfregulate)
To delay gratification
To motivate themselves
To cope with life’s ups and downs
(Be resilient)
To pay attention!
Disapproving style
*CLIP - Disapproving
•Disapproves of negative emotions – Viewed as
a sign of weakness, lack of control, unconstructive
• Lacks empathy, noticeably critical and intolerant
•Tries to get rid of negative emotions via discipline, reprimand,
punishment
•Focuses on the behaviour rather than the emotions generating the
behaviour
•More likely to view negative emotional displays as a form of
manipulation, lack of obedience, sign of bad character
•Often motivated by need to control and regain power and/ or to
‘toughen up’ child
Dismissing style
*CLIP – Dismissing
•Despite good intentions (Wants to make child feel
better) but is uncomfortable with negative emotions
•Views negative emotions as toxic and so must be
‘got over quickly’
•Considers paying attention to such emotions will make them worse, prolong them
•Tries to stop negative emotions by reducing/ minimising/ making light of their
importance/ significance
e.g. It’s no big deal, don’t worry about it, be a big girl, that’s life, you’ll be fine
•Often motivated by need to rescue and make things better, fix the problem, e.g.
Have a biscuit, I’ll buy a new one, You need to do this
•Focuses on getting rid of the emotion with logic or distraction rather than
understanding the feelings
What we think about disapproving/ dismissing messages sent to child
“It works so it must be good!”
BUT the actual message is…..
•What you are feeling is not right, your assessment of the problem is
wrong, you must not feel this way
•Child does not learn to trust own feelings affecting decision-making
•Not given opportunities to experience emotions and deal with them
effectively so grow up unprepared for life’s challenges
•Not given opportunities to self-regulate or problem-solve
•Can lead to suppression of natural emotions, less or lack of selfregulation, reliance on distraction to get rid of emotion
•Generates more negative feelings - Resentment, guilt, shame, anger
Emotion coaching messages
*CLIP – Emotion Coaching
•We all have feelings and need to recognize them in
ourselves as well as others
•We are not alone and we are accepted, supported, valid,
cared about, understood, trustworthy and respected – This
is then returned
•We are empowered and it’s safe to engage in problemsolving
•All feelings are normal but need to be regulated and
expressed constructively
•Problems and conflicts can be resolved
peacefully!
Activity: What would an emotion coach do?
• In pairs, look at each scenario and select those
responses which reflect an Emotion Coaching
response
• You can select more than one response
• Which aspects reflect a Dismissing or
Disapproving response?
Activity: What would an emotion coach do?
• Watch the clip of a practitioner doing emotion
coaching
• Can you identify any of the 3 steps?
• Can you think of an incident where you have
used emotion coaching?
Emotion coaching scripts
Examples
• ‘I can see that you get angry when that happens. I
would feel angry if that happened to me. It’s normal to
feel like that.’
• ‘You look like you’re frowning and your hands are all
tight and clenched . I would be feeling like that too if I
didn’t want to do something.’
• ‘I think you might be feeling fed up about not being able
to play football now. I know that’s not nice for you.’
• ‘I wonder if you’re not feeling ok about that. ‘
Step 2 Setting limits (If needed)
• State the boundary limits of acceptable behaviour
• Make it clear certain behaviours cannot be accepted
• But retain the child’s self-dignity (Crucial for responsive
behaviour and well-being)
Emotion coaching scripts
Step 2: Examples
• ‘These are the rules that we have to follow.
Doing that is not ok.’
• ‘We can’t behave like that even though you are
feeling annoyed because it is not safe.’
• ‘You didn’t put the ball away as we agreed.
You’re probably angry that you can’t play with
Billy now because you have to stop now.’
Step 3: Problem-solving with the child
• When the child is calm and in a relaxed, rational state:
– Explore the feelings that give rise to the
behavior/problem/incident
– Scaffold alternative ideas and actions that could lead to
more appropriate and productive outcomes
– Empower the child to believe s/he can overcome
difficulties and manage feelings/behaviour
Emotion coaching scripts
Step 3: Examples
• ‘This is not a safe place to be angry. Let’s go to a
safe place and then we can talk.’
• ‘Next time you’re feeling like this, what could you
do? How do you think you will react next time or if
this happens again.’
• ‘What might help you calm down next time you feel
like this?’
• ‘You need to decide what to do about this. You can
either do this or you can do that….. Which would
you like to do?’
Activity: Making scripts
KNOWING WHAT TO SAY
• Choose a scenario and work out what you
would say for each step – Making scripts
Emotion coached children
Achieve more academically in school
Are more popular
Have fewer behavioural
problems
Have fewer infectious illnesses
Are more emotionally
stable
Are more resilient
(Gottman et al, 1997)
Proportion of positive to
negative responses on Exit
Questionnaire by conceptual
relevance
“it provides consistency
and scaffolding to structure
the way to deal with
behaviour, from the adult’s
point of view as well as the
child’s”.
“It helps us cool down
while we collect our
thoughts and I now
shout less!”,
“It gives them (the
children) choices and a
way out of a difficult
situation without
confrontation”.
Note. N = 127
Case Study
Secondary School Behaviour
n= 1350
Rose et al, 2015)
Emotion coaching recognises that EQ is more important than IQ
THE END