Technus Parsha Play
January 31, 2015
Parsha: B'shalach
Parsha Playwright: Ben Berman
Narrator: Welcome back to this week’s edition of Exodus: Jews Running Away From
Mean People. Last week, Pharaoh had finally freed the Israelites after he kept changing
his mind about how bad the plagues were. However, unbeknownst to the Israelites,
Pharaoh decided to change his mind one last time and chase them to the Red Sea. Will
the Israelites make it out of Egypt? Can they cross the Red Sea? Will they ever stop
complaining? Find out right now.
Moses: Ok Miriam, according to the Google Maps app on my iPhone, the Red Sea
should be right over there.
Miriam: What are you talking about, Moses? Google maps, iPhone?
Moses: Oh, whoops that was my speech impediment acting up again. I meant my eye
on my compass says the Red Sea is there.
(looks around for a while)
Moses: Hmm, now that we’re here, what exactly do we… do.
Miriam: I guess we wait. At least we don’t have to worry about Egyptian soldiers
anymore.
Pharaoh: Soldiers, get those Israelites before they cross the Red Sea.
Miriam: Uh-oh, what are we going to do now.
Nachshon: I think I might have an idea, but it involves me walking into the middle of the
Red Sea.
Moses: Sure, go for it.
Nachshon: (to the tune of Blank Space)
Who is like you, Adonai
You can do anything
Created the whole universe
And every living thing
And I’m like, Help me God,
I’m so scared
For these soldiers I’m not prepared
But I’ve just done something I wouldn’t have dared
I will stand here forever
And get crushed by these waves
I’m usually timid
But now I’m acting brave
Got a lot of Egyptians after us
They want to make us slaves
We need a blank space, God
So please create a way.
Miriam: (surprised gasp) Wow, that actually worked. I was not expecting it to be that
easy.
(the Israelites walk around for a while)
Israelite 1: (annoyed voice) Ugh, I’m so thirsty. When are we gonna have some water.
Israelite 2: (annoyed voice) I haven’t eaten since we left Egypt. When are we gonna get
some food?
Israelite 3: (annoyed voice) We’ve been been walking forever. Are we almost to the
Promised Land?
Moses: Guys, you literally just saw God split an entire sea just so you could escape the
Egyptians. And that was only after God cast those plagues so Pharoah would free you.
Can’t you stop complaining for a little bit and just appreciate the good things that
happened to you.
Israelite 4: I could appreciate it if I wasn’t schvitzing like a fire hydrant over here.
Moses: Fine, fine, I’ll see what I can do. (walks over to God) Hey, God, your people are
getting cranky over here. Do you have any solutions?
God: I’ll sweeten the waters of this desert and allow manna to fall from the sky. Just
remember, don’t get too arrogant and make sure the Israelites get two portions of
manna on Friday because I’m not gonna drop magical bread on Shabbat. That’s my day
off.
Moses: Ok, I think I’ve got it. Hey everyone, gather round.
(to the tune of Shake It Off)
Israelites:
We just crossed the red sea
We’re thirsty as can be
But there’s nothing to be seen
Not a drop of water on the scene
We also need some food
Don’t mean to be so rude
But it affects my attitude
When I’m really hungry, dude
Moses:
Don’t worry,
I’ll get some water for all you, you, you
Make sure that it is clear and blue, blue blue,
I’ll show you how I get it too, too, too
It’s from a rock, from a rock
Manna will fall from the sky to eat, eat, eat
It will last every day of the week, week, week,
There’s only one rule to keep, keep, keep,
Not on Shabbat, on Shabbat.
Israelite 1: Wow Moses, this is really impressive!
Israelite 2: Yeah, thank you so much, Moses!
Israelite 3: Yeah, I can’t believe you did this all yourself.
Moses: (looking pleased with himself) Heh, well, you know how it is. Freeing slaves,
casting plagues, splitting seas, summoning water from a rock, it’s all in a day’s work. I
mean, we are talking about Moses, the coolest Jew in the world, here.
God: (angry)Oh no you didn’t.
Moses: (jumps)AAH! Oh, God, didn’t see you there.
God: Well here’s something else you probably didn’t see coming. You are not allowed to
enter the Holy Land.
Moses: What? But, but I followed all your instructions. I freed the Israelites like you
asked me to.
God: Yeah, and you got a big head in the process. You need to be more humble.
Moses: Yeah, I guess you’re right. Can I enter Israel now?
God: Sorry, rules are rules.