20151111 - Darren Marlar

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION:

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW), where one size fits all; which may explain why I feel a little tight between the ears.

Toms Lake Humor Company

Only 15 shopping days til Thanksgiving! Get to the mall and sit on the pilgrim's lap to tell him what you want stuffed in your turkey!

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

"Keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting anxiously for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to eternal life." – Jude

1:21

Psalm 150:1-2

Praise the Lord

Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens.

Praise him for his acts of power; praise him for his surpassing greatness.

God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. He says to the snow, 'Fall on the earth,' and to the rain shower, 'Be a mighty downpour.' — Job 37:5-6

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

Your statutes stand firm; holiness adorns your house for endless days, O LORD. — Psalm 93:5

Thought: So many of the material things we pursue are temporary. Their usefulness lasts only a matter of months or at most a few short years. Even our lives, and the lives of those we love, are short. But God's character, his defining quality ("Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty!"), and his demands for our holiness are forever. So as we build our lives, let's build on a secure foundation — the will of God and a commitment to share in his holiness.

Prayer: Holy God, I thank you for making me holy and forgiving my sin by your grace. Fill me with your Spirit and bring forth the Spirit's fruit in my life so that it reflects your grace and your character. Give me a hunger to know your will and to seek your truth and an ability to understand and apply it to my life. I want to build my life with you as its center and its goal. In Jesus' precious name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today's Verse are written by Phil Ware . You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org

.

“ BIRTHDAY VERSE ” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Matthew 11:11 NIV = Truly I tell you, among those born of women there has not risen anyone greater than John the

Baptist; yet whoever is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – NOVEMBER 11, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)

WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!

THERE ARE ONLY 44 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS .

Today is NATIONAL WILD ‘N CRAZY GUYS GROW UP DAY . ***MARLAR: You know they are finally grown up when they get rid of their wild and crazy shirts and slacks.

Today is VETERAN’S DAY , and it’s the first day of NATIONAL HUG A VETERAN WEEK . ***MARLAR: Hugs are fine, but how about we give our veterans the day off from work – with pay? I know that some government offices might be closed today anyway, but it has nothing to do with whether the people working there are veterans. If a veteran works at a local restaurant, office, or car dealership, do they get the day off? Maybe they should. Thank you for your service, Veterans!

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Death/Duty Day

Origami Day

Red Lipstick Day

COMING UP NEXT

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 12

Fancy Rat & Mouse Day

World Pneumonia Day

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13

World Kindness Day

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 14

International Girls Day

Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day

National American Teddy Bear Day

National Spicy Guacamole Day

National Pickle Day

Operating Room Nurse Day

Spirit of NSA (National Speakers Association) Day

World Diabetes Day

International Selfie Day

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15

America Recycles Day

George Spelvin Day or More Than One Role Day

I Love to Write Day

National Bundt Day

National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day

National Philanthropy Day

Rock Your Mocs Day

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 16

International Day for Tolerance

National Button Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 17

Homemade Bread Day

National Entrepreneurship Day

National Unfriend Day

World Prematurity Awareness Day

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 18

European Antibiotic Awareness Day

GIS Day (Geographic Information Systems)

Married To a Scorpio Support Day

Mickey Mouse Day

National Apple Cider Day

National Educational Support Professionals Day

Push-Button Phone Day

ON THIS DAY

1918: At 5:00 a.m. French Army clerk Henri Deledicq finished typing the peace treaty that would end World War I. He had put the carbon paper in backwards. Ten minutes later, in a railroad car in France, military leaders signed copies of an armistice that were completely unreadable. ***MARLAR: Then again, governments usually do most things backwards, so I guess it made perfect sense to them.

1940: Willys Motors introduced the first Jeep. The name came from the initials "G-P" in "General Purpose" vehicle.

1980: The TV sitcom "Too Close for Comfort" debuted on ABC, starring Ted Knight, Nancy Dussault, Deborah Van

Valkenburgh, and Lydia Cornell. ( audio clip )

1990: 13-year-old Stormie Jones of White Settlement, Texas, died at Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh. In 1984, at age

6, she had been the first person ever to receive a combination heart and liver transplant.

1993: A 200-pound Houston pig named Mona squealed on a burglary suspect and held him by the leg until police arrived. The suspect was running from police and tried to hide in Mona’s pen. The pig’s owner, Rick Charles, said

Mona thinks she’s a dog. ***MARLAR: Kind of ironic how a criminal runs into a pig while trying to run away from the pigs.

1993: A 600-year-old spoon, discovered in a Devon, England, farmhouse, sold at auction for $41,400.

1997: A limping Biloxi, Mississippi, bank robber made his getaway in a wheelchair. Police arrested the bandit a few minutes later at a nearby hardware sto re trying to get the store’s owner to call him a cab.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1215: The Fourth Lateran Council was convened by Pope Innocent III. It was the council which first defined

"transubstantiation," the Catholic belief that the bread and wine of the Eucharist change invisibly into the body and blood of Christ.

1620: The "Mayflower Compact" was signed by the 41 Separatists among the passengers of the "Mayflower," serving as the basis for combining themselves "into a civil body politic." Democratic in form, the Compact comprised the first written American constitution, and remained in force until 1691.

1760: English founder of Methodism John Wesley wrote in a letter: 'You cannot live on what He did yesterday.

Therefore He comes today.'

1793: Five months after setting sail for India, English pioneer missionary William Carey, 32, reached Calcutta. (Later,

Carey founded the Baptist Missionary Society, the first of the British Protestant missions agencies.)

1966: The Methodist Church and the Evangelical United Brethren voted to merge into one denomination in the U.S., afterward to be called the United Methodist Church. (The "declaration of union" took place officially on April 23, 1968.)

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

o actor (Catch Me If You Can, Streets of New York, Titanic) Leonardo DiCaprio 41 o actor (“Wizards of Waverly Place”, “Megas-XLR”, “Jesse”) David DeLuise 44

o actor (Red Surf, Sandman, brother of Nancy McKeon) Philip McKeon 51 o actress (The Bird Cage, “Ally McBeal”) Calista Flockhart 51 ( audio clip ) o actress (Ghost, St. Elmo’s Fire, G.I. Jane, Indecent Proposal) Demi Moore 53

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com

)

1927 : Mose Allison

1929 : LaVern Baker

1938 : Roger Lavern ( The Tornados )

1943 : Mac Kissoon (Mac and Katie Kissoon)

1944 : Jesse Colin Young ( The Youngbloods )

1945 : Vince Martell (Vanilla Fudge)

1945 : Chris Dreja ( The Yardbirds )

1947 : Pat Daugherty (Black Oak Arkansas)

1950 : Jim Peterik ( The Ides Of March , Survivor )

1952 : Paul Cowsill ( The Cowsills )

1953 : Marshall Crenshaw

1953 : Andy Partridge ( XTC )

1956 : Ian Craig Marsh ( The Human League )

1980 : LeToya Luckett ( Destiny's Child )

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

WHAT WAS THE FIRST U.S. COIN TO MINTED WITH THE MOTTO "IN GOD WE TRUST?

The U.S. two-cent coin was minted between 1864 and 1873, and was the first coin to bear the motto "In God We

Trust". The motto was omitted from the new gold coins issued in 1907, causing a storm of public criticism. As a result, legislation passed in May, 1908 made "In God We Trust" mandatory on all coins on which it had previously appeared.

Legislation approved July 11, 1955, made the appearance of "In God We Trust" mandatory on all coins and paper currency of the United States. By Act of July 30, 1956, "In God We Trust" became the national motto of the United

States.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

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ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Kevin Max is gearing up for his upcoming trip to Norway and he is giving the people of that country two choices. Kevin tweeted over the weekend: Norway, I give you the option to see me bearded or clean shaven. http://twitter.com/kevinmax/status/663428799711846400/photo/1

Life on tour can be dangerous. A fan shared a video as Tenth Avenue North front man Mike Donehey tripped and fell returning to the stage during one of the bands songs. But Mike didn't miss a beat, continuing to sing and he jumped back up. https://twitter.com/jesanne32/status/662464345545252864

Jason Gray gave new meaning to the word selfie over the weekend. Jason tweeted: I saw myself on the big screen and thought it was a good opportunity for a selfie. https://instagram.com/p/9z6dyJk-ZQ/

A surprise for Audio Adrenaline's Brandon Bagby over the weekend. His wife and three children drove 4.5 hours to surprise him while on tour. https://instagram.com/p/9zRlpJy7Ci/

Audio Adrenaline's Adam Agee says playing small town, downtown festivals can cause problems. Adam shared a picture of the Funnel Cake and Fried Oreos booth and said bad decisions will be made. https://instagram.com/p/9zKRCAn9hw/

The members of for King and Country said goodbye to their tour bus over the weekend. The band shared: RIP Blue

Ivy as their bright blue tour bus was towed away. http://twitter.com/4kingandcountry/status/663008663708155905/photo/1

Francesca Battistelli had to test her creativity over the weekend. Francesca says she spilled raspberries all over her lap one hour before showtime. With no time to find a washer and dryer at the venue, Francesca had to quickly come up with an alternative. She shared a pictures as she washed her outfit in the venue's sink and then dried it with a hairdryer. https://instagram.com/p/9wuMNjl0LW/

Matthew West met Matthew West over the weekend. The real Matthew says there was another Matthew West was in the crowd so, of course, Matthew had to bring Matthew on stage; and he stole the show. Check out the video clip… http://twitter.com/matthew_west/status/661309139054821376/video/1

ODD & STRANGE NEWS…

(THIS WILL BE CHANGING SOON DUE TO MYNEWS SHUTTING DOWN. I WILL LOOK TO FIND MATERIAL

ELSEWHERE, BUT LETTING YOU KNOW THAT THIS WILL LOOK DIFFERENT SOON.)

Police: After Buccaneers lose, man tries to burn team's flag

TAMPA, Fla. (AP) — After the Tampa Bay Buccaneers suffered a defeat marked by fumbles, penalties and just one touchdown, authorities say a south Florida man tried to set the team's oversized flag on fire. Tampa police say it happened just after the New York Giants beat the Buccaneers 32-18...

Engineers examining collapsed parking lot in Mississippi photo

MERIDIAN, Miss. (AP) — Engineers are trying to determine what caused a drainage structure to collapse beneath the parking lot of a new restaurant, opening a gap that swallowed at least 14 vehicles, a mayor in eastern Mississippi said

Monday. Meridian Mayor Percy Bland declared a state of...

Police: Drunk Ohio man had boy, 9, drive him to gas station

TIFFIN, Ohio (AP) — Police say an Ohio man was drunk when he had his 9-year-old neighbor drive him to a gas station to buy barbecue sauce for their chicken dinner. A Tiffin police spokesman tells The Advertiser-Tribune

(http://bit.ly/1QdIwfa ) that the boy drove the man to the gas station...

'Kid'-napping ends when baby goat reunited with its mother photo

PHOENIX (AP) — A baby pygmy goat that vanished from the Arizona State Fair, prompting a Twitter campaign for his safe return, came home to its mother surrounded by TV cameras and jubilant fairgoers. Dozens of employees and visitors burst into applause Thursday as GusGus was gently placed in...

Bush says he'd kill 'baby Hitler' if he could travel in time

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Presidential candidate Jeb Bush says he once got an email asking if he would go back in time, if it were possible, and kill the baby Adolf Hitler. "It said, 'If you could go back in time and kill baby Hitler, would you? I need to know,'" Bush told a Huffington Post...

Angler catches digital camera lost in Lake Michigan in 2013

GRAND HAVEN, Mich. (AP) — Andre Monterio has a fishing story about one that got away and eventually was caught. But what he pulled from Lake Michigan near Grand Haven in September had no scales or gills. It was a small digital camera knocked overboard two years ago from another boat....

Police: Man dressed as priest sought for Halloween assault

DURANGO, Colo. (AP) — Durango police are investigating an assault that involved a priest, a pope and a Good

Samaritan. HASH(0x14272f0) Shaline says a Good Samaritan who intervened in the attack prevented the injuries from being much worse. The victim, whose name has not been released, was...

Seattle's 'gum wall' to be cleaned after 20 years

SEATTLE (AP) — After 20 years of people sticking their gum to the walls of an alley by Seattle's Pike Place Market, officials say it is time for a cleanup. Pike Place Market announced this week it will take down the estimated 1 million pieces of gum off the walls of Post Alley. Known as the...

Mississippi: Restaurant parking lot cave-in swallows 12 cars photo

MERIDIAN, Miss. (AP) — A cave-in of a restaurant parking lot in Mississippi swallowed 12 cars and now experts are expected to begin work Monday to determine the cause of the weekend collapse, authorities said. No one was reported injured when the pavement gave way Saturday night, leaving a...

Arizona authorities capture 4 emus on the lam in Tucson photo

TUCSON, Ariz. (AP) — Pima County authorities say four emus that got loose in a neighborhood on Tucson's southwest side have been captured. The four large birds were contained Thursday in the area of West Drexel

Boulevard and South Cardinal Avenue. County sheriff's officials say two of the...

HEALTH & FITNESS NEWS…

(THIS WILL BE CHANGING SOON DUE TO MYNEWS SHUTTING DOWN. I WILL LOOK TO FIND MATERIAL

ELSEWHERE, BUT LETTING YOU KNOW THAT THIS WILL LOOK DIFFERENT SOON.)

Study: Even the normal-weight should watch that apple shape photo

WASHINGTON (AP) — A pot belly can be a bad thing — even if you're not considered overweight. New research suggests normal-weight people who carry their fat at their waistlines may be at higher risk of death over the years than overweight or obese people whose fat is more concentrated on...

How low to go: Details emerge on big blood pressure study

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) — Details were revealed Monday from a landmark federal study that challenges decades of thinking on blood pressure, giving a clearer picture of plusses and minuses of more aggressive treatment. The study was stopped in September, nearly two years early, when it became clear...

Big study suggests steep drop in needless heart procedures

CHICAGO (AP) — Fewer heart patients are getting inappropriate angioplasties, a new study suggests. The analysis showed overuse of the common procedure to open clogged heart arteries has declined dramatically since 2009 guidelines, which were aimed at curbing inappropriate use. The study...

Promise seen for wireless pacemakers placed without surgery photo

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) — Researchers are reporting encouraging results for a new generation of pacemakers — miniature, wireless ones that can be implanted through a leg vein without surgery. In a study of 725 patients, one of these devices, made by Medtronic, was successfully implanted 99...

Sierra Leone declared free of Ebola, as Guinea struggles photo

FREETOWN, Sierra Leone (AP) — Cheers erupted and people danced in the streets Saturday as Sierra Leone marked the end of the Ebola outbreak within its borders, although neighboring Guinea still struggles to stamp out the deadly virus that has killed more than 11,000 mostly in West Africa....

Germany passes law allowing some types of assisted suicide

BERLIN (AP) — German lawmakers passed a bill Friday allowing assisted suicide for "altruistic motives" but banning the practice in cases where it is being conducted on a "business" basis. The issue is a particularly sensitive topic in a country where the last time euthanasia was part of...

Study: Teen obesity surgery benefits last at least 3 years

The largest, longest study of teen obesity surgery shows huge weight loss and health gains can last at least three years, and many say it's worth the risks. "I feel awesome. It's like a new life," said Miranda Taylor, a Cincinnati nursing student in the study who had surgery when she was 16 and...

US to ask Canada, UK to extradite online pharmacy officials

HELENA, Mont. (AP) — U.S. prosecutors plan to ask the Canadian and British governments to extradite officials with an online pharmacy on charges of smuggling $78 million worth of mislabeled, unapproved and counterfeit cancer drugs into the country to sell to doctors. Fourteen companies and...

Patients' needs addressed in 'person-centered health care' photo

CHICAGO (AP) — Every time JoAnna James took her husband, Lawrence, to the doctor, she left the hospital without understanding what was wrong with him. "You ask (doctors) to break it down so you can understand what they are saying and they make you feel like there is something wrong with you,"...

Another lawsuit filed against Chipotle in E. coli outbreak

SEATTLE (AP) — A second Washington woman and an Oregon man who contracted E. coli after eating at a Chipotle franchise are suing the Mexican restaurant chain. Jessica Ellis of Mount Vernon, Washington and Chris Collins of Lake

Oswego, Oregon, filed federal lawsuits on Friday. Health officials...

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A Florida woman who allegedly attempted to buy $75 worth of marijuana only to be shorted the full amount decided this was a matter for the authorities. Police in Fort Myers say Erin Klich called 911 demanding something be done about the sale. When officers arrived, Klich was waiting outside and told them that the dealer inside took her money.

She was arrested for misusing 911 and for possession of pot. *** Her lawyer is now arguing that the Florida woman mistakenly thought she was in Colorado.

Sister Lisa Maurer has apparently found her calling: on the field, as an assistant football coach at the College of St.

Scholastica in Minnesota. Sister Lisa had actually coached at the high school level before becoming a nun. ***If she does well, she hopes to eventually move up to coaching an NFL team that is desperately in need of her prayers… in

Chicago.

Environmentalists say that raking leaves is not good for the ecosystem in your backyard and say that yard debris constitutes 13 percent of all the solid waste in the United States every year. The National Wildlife Federation says you should leave dead leaves where they fall, since they become a natural fertilizer for your soil. In addition, chipmunks, salamanders, earthworms, turtles and other small creatures live in the leaves or use them for food and nesting material. *** And I am immediately printing out this story and saving it for the next time my wife gives me yard work to do. “Sorry honey, but it’s bad for the environment! Oh well… hey, I’m heading to Arby’s, you want something?"

A new rap-themed campaign ad for Ben Carson is the creation of Robert Donaldson, who goes by the stage name

As piring Mogul. ***And you know you’ve got rap skills when you’re able to rhyme “Carson” with “Awesome”. ( audio clip )

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS …

If you’re a man and you’re trying to conceive, you should start drinking. According to a study (Massachusetts General

Hospital), a few beers a day increases chances of having a baby. However, drinking even a few cups of coffee is bad for reproduction. ***MARLAR: So… where does this leave the people who are drinking that beer-flavored coffee at

Starbucks?

Nearly half of all American workers gripe about being burned out even though they didn't use up all their vacation days.

According to a recent survey by Yahoo Hot Jobs, 45% didn't take all their time off, while 39% say they were too exhausted to go on a "real" vacation. Another 36% claim to be too busy to take time off, 34% say the high cost of going somewhere keeps them going to the office, while 32% want to save vacation days for real emergencies. ***MARLAR:

I know exactly how frustrating that can be, working too hard and not taking time off... so here’s my plan for you. Work hard, and give ME your vacation time. I’m willing to make the sacrifice for you.

Health researchers say they found a troubling link between higher consumption of rice and Type 2 diabetes, a disease that in some countries is becoming an epidemic. Further work is needed to probe the apparent association and diets that are notoriously high in sugar and fats should remain on the no-go list, they cautioned. ***MARLAR: That's right – white rice is considered a sugar. Try adding that to your coffee in the morning and see how far it gets you.

The wackiest practical joke to hit England in years is called "spudding," filling the entire interior of someone's car with mashed potatoes and gravy. Teens often spend an entire day at a "spud party" cooking the gooey stuff. They gather it in huge vats, then dump it into a friend's car, all the way up to the roof, in the dead of night. ***MARLAR: This is particularly cruel if the victim is on a low-carb diet.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Psychic Wins Lottery”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TOD AY’S EPISODE... Robert G. Lee, “Random Thoughts”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESD AY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soapopera saga that is, “As the Jungle Turns!”

CLOSE: So what’s so wrong about playing with the new kid? Nothing, I think… but then, I don’t think like Marvy

Snuffleson. Which is a good thing – otherwise I’d end up being sent to my room, which I’m pretty sure is going to happen t o Marvy! Tune in next time to find out… As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 14/15

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Katie Snuffleson has boarded the cloud tram and was off on her way to

Candyland – despite the warnings from Olaf and Karl that it could be dangerous if she eats too much candy – as she might fall from the sky! But Katie doesn’t seem all that concerned… at least not yet.

CLOSE: Oh boy – too much candy has made Katie too heavy for the clouds to support her any longer! Karl and Olaf warned her this could happen – but did she listen? No. Will Katie survive? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

*** You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

MOMENT OF DUH

Getting a cake delivered for one wedding turns out not to be a piece of cake!

In Pembrey, England, Tony and Aimee West went all out for their wedding cake. They paid $500 bucks for what was supposed to be a three tier sponge cake decorated with white and dark chocolate icing and flowers. But just four hours before the evening reception was due to start Aimee discovered the cake company had forgotten to bake the cake.

Aimee said, "They admitted their mistake and said, 'Don't worry, we'll get you a cake'. They turned up that evening and the cake was put on a table for all to see." All seemed to be well until the couple cut into the cake and took their first bites together. Turns out the "cake" was no cake at all. Just a bunch of Styrofoam covered with icing. Both bride and groom began choking -- an experience Aimee said was terribly embarrassing! So they took Creative Cakes to small claims court and were awarded $600 compensation. Karen Williams, who runs Creative Cakes said, "I explained I would be delivering an artificial cake - they are quite common at weddings these days." ***MARLAR: Really? Nobody

I know of... I mean, really... who orders a fake cake for ANYTHING?

TOP TEN

TOP TEN CADDY COMMENTS

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man robs a Wal-Mart using an ax! And the door greeter knew he was there!

FILE #1: According to police, an unidentified man stole an ax from a Home Depot in Oklahoma City and used it menacingly to rob a clerk and shortly thereafter did the same at two other stores, including a Wal-Mart. On interviewing witnesses, police learned that a Wal-Mart door greeter had seen the man enter carrying the ax, but his only impulse was to make sure that he did his job and placed a sticker on the ax so that when the man later tried to exit the store, he wouldn't be charged for it.

FILE #2: Firemen in Munich, Germany, rescued an 89-year-old granny who was stuck in a tree more than 60 feet above the ground. Anna Gurlow said she had climbed her neighbor's tree to rescue her cat, but the tricky feline got away from her and jumped safely to a nearby roof. It took firemen nearly an hour to get the grandmother out of the tree.

FILE #3: 16 year old Nicole Lavelle is quickly learning the ins and outs of the British court system. According to the

Guardian newspaper, she has taken her father to court for breach of contract. The girl charges that he had promised to pay up to about $20,000 a year for her to go to the exclusive college of her choosing and when she opted to go to a cheaper school he balked. Why? Because the college is very close to the home of the girl's mother -- his ex wife.

***MARLAR: Sounds like Nicole could be in pre-law.

STRANGE LAW: In Thailand it is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Crashing a party is generally thought of as rude. Crashing a party in order to sell drugs - that's stupid.

Crashing the party of a POLICE OFFICER...

20-year-old Leonard Garland, and a buddy were arrested in Ashland, MA, after Leo had the bright idea to crash a party at a private home he just happened to be driving by. His thinking was that a party would be a good place to find customers for his drug business. So he walks in and strikes up a conversation, eventually enticing a guest to ask him about drugs. Leo had cocaine on him, but when his "customer" wanted more, he made a phone call to his supplier.

However, the supplier said he would not go near Ashland because Ashland's main narcotics detective, Mark Gutwill, was too aggressive. You guessed it-what Leo didn't know was that the party he had crashed was a group of off-duty police officers, and the "customer" he had randomly chosen to talk to was Detective Mark Gutwill, who then arrested him. (Metro West Daily)

PHONER PHUN

What’s the shortest length of time you were employed at one job? What was the job?

Ever won an award that you’re still proud of? What was it for?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who fashioned five mice out of gold?

ANSWER: The Philistines (1Samuel 6)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In what year was the first Gideon Bible placed in a hotel room?

ANSWER: 1908 - in the Superior Hotel in Iron Mountain, Montana.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. An average human scalp has 10,000 hairs. (False - it has 100,000 hairs)

2. An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day. (True)

3. An individual blood cell takes about 3 minutes to make a complete circuit of the body. (False - it takes just 60 seconds)

4. While adult humans have 206 bones in the body, newborn babies have 300. (True!)

5. Eyelashes are the are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. (False - it's the beard. If the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.)

6. By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds. (True - maybe they disappear at the same rate as a man's hair?)

7. By the time you turn 70, your heart will have beat some two-and-a-half million times. (False - it's two-and-a-half billiion times... figuring on an average of 70 beats per minute.)

8. You began your life as a single cell - and stayed that way for about half an hour. (True)

9. Every person has a unique tongue print. (True)

10. The longest running play in history is Shakespeare's "Romeo & Juliet." (False - it's "The Mouse Trap," by Agatha

Christie)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

RAILROAD TRACKS FOUND ON ________ (MARS)

A virtual archeologist found railway tracks, a railway station and a railway carriage in photos of Mars.

Joseph Skipper, is known for his meticulous studies of high-resolution Google Mars space images. This time, the researcher found a whole transport system on the photos.

Skipper says that there is conclusive proof that there are (or were) working trains on Mars – trains that operated in the same manner as Earth trains.

“I am not sure if Martians copied Earthlings, or Earthlings copied Martians, but either way we know one thing: everybody loves trains!” Skipper told WWN.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE

EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.

Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"

JOKE #2

On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man.

One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor.

"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest."

"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked.

"Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped."

JOKE #3

Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I had an awful experience this morning. I met this disgusting fellow - a horrible, rude man. Right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He began by insulting me; he used really obscene language and he even threatened me!"

"My Goodness! How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.

Jill said, "Well, we met by accident, I ran over him in the supermarket parking lot."

USELESS FACTS

In England, the maker of king-sized Mars and Snickers bars is changing them in response to the rising level of obesity among the Brits. Instead of one 3.5 ounce piece, the bars will be cut into "two shareable portions." ***MARLAR: My idea of sharing two portions of the same candy bar is sharing them between my right and left hands.

Two Princeton researchers say that studies show tall people are smarter and do better on cognitive tests than short people from as early as age 3. ***MARLAR: Michael Jordan’s next career... genetics!

FEATURED FUNNIES

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

If you’re squeamish, you might want to turn an ear away for just a moment. If you’re brave I’ll continue on…

A federal board of medical advisors at the FDA met for two days to discuss how to regulate the use of flesh-eating maggots and blood-sucking leeches. Recent studies have confirmed that maggots are excellent at cleaning external infected wounds and leeches are unbeatable for draining excess blood from post-surgical wounds. Now, they had to decide on 21st century rules for their use. The first step was deciding who had jurisdiction: the biological or device divisions. They finally decided that chewing flesh and drinking blood were mechanical processes, so leeches and maggots were classified as "medical devices." ***MARLAR: Along with sharks and vampires now.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

OU R LORD’S COMMAND

"Follow Me, and I will make you become fishers of men." —Mark 1:17

Jesus asked Simon Peter a heart-searching question long ago on the seashore in Galilee: "Do you love Me?" (John

21:15-17). Then the risen Lord told His disciple Peter that his future would lead to martyrdom. And Peter accepted that destiny without complaint.

But then Peter asked about the Apostle John's future (v.21). We can only guess what motivated his question. Was it brotherly concern? Was it fleshly curiosity? Was it resentment because he thought that John might be spared a martyr's death?

Whatever Peter's motive, Jesus responded with a counter-question that applied not just to Peter but to every follower of His: "If I will that he remain till I come, what is that to you? You follow Me" (v.22). In that question, Jesus was saying in essence, "Don't worry about what happens in the life of anybody else. Your task is to keep following Me steadfastly."

It is so easy to let our relationship with the Lord be overly influenced by the behavior and experiences of others. But we must not be concerned with what God has planned for anyone else. Through the conflicting voices that surround us, we must keep hearing the Savior's clear command: "You follow Me." —Vernon Grounds

Jesus calls us o'er the tumult

Of our life's wild, restless sea,

Day by day His sweet voice soundeth,

Saying, "Christian, follow Me." —Alexander

To find your way through life, follow Jesus.

LEFTOVERS

STARLINGS GET AN EARFUL

Tired of birds messing up your car right after you get it washed? Imagine what kind of problems an entire city might experience! The city of Rome thinks it has the solution though!

Rome has a problem. Swarms of starling come to the city every year gathering around the historic piazzas and baroque churches. Sometimes the number of birds reaches upwards of four million! Of course, the tourists hate this, because with that many starlings flying around, you can't even walk across the street without taking an umbrella, if you know what I mean. The smell is obviously not very pleasant when the birds arrive and make their messes, and it costs a lot of money to clean up after the birds. So Rome has decided it's had enough and is deciding to get rid of the starlings. How do you do such a thing? Well, since bringing in thousands of cats probably isn't a good idea either, they've decided to use the starlings' songs against them. The Italian League for the Protection of Birds (Lipu) will broadcast bird ``distress calls'' over loudspeakers to scare the birds away. The recordings are of a bird that is in danger, the idea being that other birds will hear the recording, assume there is danger, and not land within city limits.

***MARLAR: The same concept works with teenagers. If you don’t want them around, play a Celine Dion album.

LIFE... LIVE IT

CELL PHONE ELBOW?

If your pinkie and ring fingers tingle or feel numb, you might not want to pick up that cell phone to call the doctor. Too much cell phone use can lead to overextending nerves, causing what doctors call "cell phone elbow." Orthopedic specialists are reporting cases of "cell phone elbow," in which patients damage an essential nerve in their arm by bending their elbows too tightly for too long. Bending the elbow tighter than 90 degrees for an extended period of time will stretch the ulnar nerve by 8 to 15 percent and that causes the problem. The remedies are simple.

-- Avoid activities that require the elbow to be bent tighter than 90 degrees.

-- Fix workstations so the elbows aren't overly flexed.

-- Don't lean on your elbows for an extended period of time.

JUST FOR FUN

SEE-THRU ENVELOPES

The days of steaming open envelopes are over...

...an inventor has developed an aerosol spray that makes unopened envelopes transparent so that the contents can be read. "You spray it on and it temporarily makes the envelope clear," said inventor Robert Schlegel. "It leaves an odor for 10 to 15 minutes, but there is no smudging of ink, no stain, no evidence at all. The envelope is transparent for a few minutes and you can respray it hundreds of times without leaving any stain." But don’t worry if you think a neighbor or family member can use it on your mail. The spray will be offered only to police and the Secret Services.

***MARLAR: So now Homeland Security can join me in staring in disbelief at my gas bill.

FUN LIST

A TEENAGER IS...

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF...

TRASHY WEDDING 


While some brides and grooms prefer limos or a horse drawn carriage for their wedding day, Sonia

Chamberlain decided to use a trash truck!

The truck was given a makeover and decked out in ribbons and balloons, while garbage men from all over the city came to watch the wedding. Sonia said she decided to use a trash truck because her new husband, Guy Whetton, had been driving his trash truck when they first met. She says that when she saw guy for the very first time next to his trash truck, it was love at first sight! Everyone that attended the trash-truck wedding said it was absolutely breathtaking!

***MARLAR: And they didn't have to go far to find cans to tie to the back!

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Operation Christmas Child, the shoebox delivery program operated by Samaritan's Purse, begins their collection week on November 16. But have you ever wondered what happens on the other side as the boxes are being delivered? Well an organization named Upward Sports helped to deliver boxes in Columbia and they recorded video of their experience. Travel along to see the impact the boxes can have for Christ in a third world country where children have never been given a Christmas gift. But more importantly see these kids as they are introduced to the greatest gift of all, Jesus Christ. Watch the video at http://ow.ly/DYQPp. ( audio clip )

Dr James Dobson is out with a special free download titled Understanding Your Children. In this Special Report, Dr.

Dobson describes the types of children you may have in your life and then informs, encourages and inspires you to be the best parent possible to your kind of kid. http://bit.ly/1vOGbw4

New from Revive Our Hearts - the 30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge. The free PDF challenges wives to speak positively to and about their husband each day. http://buff.ly/1izcQSJ

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

The preceding program was erased before a live audience.

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in

Chicago.)

TMI Can Kill You

The topic of this week’s blog is the essence of confidentiality. No. It’s not a new cologne. But there is a fresh fragrance when trust is kept and honored.

We in the media find getting a scoop to be a delicious morsel. News stations like to brag about being the first to bring a story to your attention. Writers treasure the opportunity to share insider information that only they have been privy to uncover. It’s all part of the larger game in business that we call competition.

Exclusivity is worth bucks as well. Over the weekend, my wife and I indulged in watching the movie Steve Jobs . In one sequence, a technology reporter is pursuing Steve for comments. He wants what we might call the prime sound bytes.

Jobs and his marketing whiz refuse comment, but then go “off the record.” We know this to be the comments made that are not recorded, and intended to be kept private. Often they are not.

A different variation on this theme comes from sources who give out information that they are unauthorized to share.

The tragic crash of the Russian jetliner had reporters scrambling to get answers on why it went down. Any source with some credibility will do.

In reading the Chicago Tribune story about the incident , I read this: “A U.S. satellite registered a ‘heat flash’ about the time that the plane crashed, a U.S. official said Tuesday, speaking on the condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the information publicly.”

This line about sources who wish to remain anonymous because they aren’t supposed to talk is quite common. But I don’t like it. I’ve been asked by a reporter to be quoted for a story he was writing. It was understood my name would carry attribution for what was said.

The disturbing element of the anonymous secret sharer is one of mislaid trust. People who are unauthorized to give out information can’t be trusted. They have violated an ethical code of silence. And when you do that, what other ethical transgressions might you be open to?

Mind you, I don’t consider it inappropriate to speak “off the record” if what you are sharing is to add context and is not damaging information. But one must be careful. If you are at all worried that this information can be traced to you, it’s best to avoid oversharing.

Whistleblowers are in a different category. Genuine concern over some form of illegal activity that results in harm to others may lead someone within an organization to report it. But consider, if the principle motivation is financial gain or delivered out of spite or payback, how noble is the whistleblower?

This issue comes home to roost in personal relationships as well. Many people delight in being privy to others’ situations that they, in turn, can share with friends or coworkers. This often leads to gossip — that “casual or unconstrained conversation ab out other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.” Oh the joy of sprea ding others’ secrets!

Knowing this about the human condition leaves us untrusting. And it hurts our cause in building authentic relationships.

Gaining s omeone’s trust is to be prized. Violating that trust can leave one crushed.

I’ve been involved in several small groups with men to build friendships. In those conversations, we share events from our personal lives. Being more private in nature, the spoken word came with a caveat: intended for this audience

ONLY. We would jokingly refer to these sessions as being the “Pope’s Chambers.” Or applying the “cone of silence.”

People in leadership have a difficult time in being transparent with others. They know the damage that can be done from unguarded sharing. Without a very few friends who can be trusted, these same leaders risk isolation. That too is troublesome.

The Bible speaks to this in several ways. The book of Proverbs is a good place to start. Proverbs 11:13 reads, “A gossip goes around telling secrets, but those who are trustworthy can keep a confidence.” (NLT) Proverbs 16:28 adds,

“A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends.” (NLT) And then this warning from

Proverbs 20 :19: “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a simple babbler.”

(ESV)

One final word on this topic from Jesus. There are times when we must share what others would wish we keep to ourselves. It is a report of the Good News. In sending His disciples out, the Gospel of Matthew records these instructions: “So do not be afraid of people. Whatever is now covered up will be uncovered, and every secret will be made known. What I am telling you in the dark you must repeat in broad daylight, and what you have heard in private you must announce from the hous etops.” (Matthew 10:26-27, GNT)

When it comes to sharing with others on any topic, know your boundaries.

TMI can kill you.

That’s The Way WE Work.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 06, 2015…

Brooklyn ---Saoirse Ronan plays a young woman in Ireland, who decides to go to New York City. It is the 1950's and not only does she find work, but some romance, too. Adapted from the book by Colm Toibin. Also in the cast is Jim

Broadbent. "Brooklyn" is rated PG 13. No rating.

Miss You Already ---Toni Collette discovers she has cancer and fights the disease with friend, Drew Barrymore. What can they come up with as therapy? Wild and wacky or sad? What do you think? "Miss You Already" is rated PG 13.

No rating.

The Peanuts Movie ---In 3D animation and what more could you ask for? It is your favorite comic strip characters by

Charles M. Schultz, and with Snoopy and the doghouse, too. Voices include Hadley Belle Miller (Lucy), Noah

Schnapp (Charlie Brown) and AJ Teeco (Pig Pen.) "The Peanuts Movie" is rated PG. Enjoy.

Spectre ---Daniel Craig is back as James Bond in this thriller with Christoph Waltz as the evil one. Bond goes around the globe again, and with beautiful women including Lila Seydoux and Monica Bellucci. Although some are already choosing the next James Bond, I don't think Daniel Craig will give up that easy .Always great stunts. I always thought, though, that Pierce Brosnan had a few Bond films left in him. "Spectra" is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

Spotlight ---This film is about uncovering the sex abuse scandal concerning the Catholic Church in Boston in the early part of the 21st century. The Boston Globe got wind of what was happening and really dug into it. The Globe got the

2003 Pulitzer Prize for it's reporting. Some of the stars are Mark Ruffalo, Rachel McAdams and Michael Keaton.

"Spotlight" is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans of the stars.

Trumbo ---Bryan Cranston takes on the role of writer Dalton Trumbo, who was Hollywood blacklisted in the 1940's when it was alleged he was a communist. Trumbo fought this, but the blacklist remained. "Trumbo" is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of the star.

NOVEMBER 13, 2 015…

The 33 with Antonio Banderas as one of the Chilean miners trapped underground.

By The Sea with Angelina Jolie-Pitt and Brad Pitt is a commentary on married life with problems.

Love The Coopers stars Diane Keaton in a comedy about a family gathering at Christmas.

Shelter has Jennifer Connelly in a drama about being homeless. Directed by her husband, Paul Bettany.

# # # # #

WARNING:

Don't believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment,

OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there - nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com

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