ORAL HISTORY PROJECT October 2002 Women and Marriage. Oral history interview and summary by Hajjah Seriyati The following is the report of the interview. Marriage is an interesting topic. There are many aspects of this topic that can be discussed. Actually before I started, I had a slightly different idea and was not very sure on what to write for the report. I had prepared some very general questions about marriage but as I was interviewing Mdm Kas and I let her talk about her personal experiences and her perspective about marriages of long ago (in the 1960s) I added a few more questions that are more specific. I have included extracts from the transcript of the interview. Mdm Kas was just 16 years old when she first got married. She came from a strict Muslim family and her mother is ‘strict and headstrong’. Although her sister got married to the man of her own choice for Mdm Kas both her marriages were arranged. She said that she didn’t mind it because she knows that she wants to be an obedient daughter. She also mentioned that around that time arranged marriages were common. Her aunts and cousins also had arranged marriages. Her sisters-in-law also had marriages arranged for them. Her family is quite conservative. She was taught to obey her parents. She said that “in Islam women cannot go dating with men who are not our ‘muhrim’.” She got married to the second husband who was more than 10 years her senior. She said that her “husband was a filial son who had looked after and done his duty as a son and a responsible brother to all his sisters. He agreed to get married only after all his sisters were married”. From here we can deduce that Mdm Kas is definitely a filial daughter herself. She said that at that time people tend to marry at a young age - about 18 to 20 years old, as compared to now and it is interesting to note that she was married at just 16 years old – younger still. According to her, her mom was married at just 13 years old. A research conducted in 1989 mentioned ‘Singapore remained a society in which it was assumed that everyone would marry, and marriage was a normal aspect of fully adult status’.1 I cannot help thinking that probably Mdm Kas’ mother, who went through the Japanese Occupation, thought that marriages of her daughters should be arranged as in the wartime period because marriages in wartime conditions were perceived as a way of protecting daughters from rape and abduction by the invaders. The data that I got from the periodical ‘Statistics on Marriages and Divorces 1998’ shows that the mean age at first marriage of brides (Muslim Law Act) hovered about the 20.5-year old mark in 1968 and it has risen to the 25.2 year old mark in 1998. The data from the report that I got from the Yearbook of Statistics Singapore 1967 states that in 1967 marriages (Muslim Ordinance) registered for grooms 19 years old and under were 79 and for brides were 1 019. In the same year marriages registered for grooms 20- 29 years were 1 324 and for brides were only 710, grooms 30- 39 years were 338 and for brides were 122 only . As you can see at that time more Muslim marriages took place when the brides were much younger. The periodical ‘Statistics on Marriages and Divorces 1998’ also mentioned that ‘On average, Muslim grooms and brides were younger than their non-Muslim counterparts’.2 Mdm Kas also mentioned that she had a divorced after one child. She said that she did not know the exact reason that the divorce took place but cited her age as one of the possible reason. In a research ‘A country study’ by Federal Research Division, Library of Congress in December 1989 it was revealed that the Malays in Singapore ‘had traditionally had much higher rates of divorce and adoption than other ethnic groups, and the distinction continued in the 1980s although the divorce rate was lower than in the l940s or through the l960s. More significantly, for the Malays divorce was regarded as a realistic and normal, although unfortunate, possibility in all marriages.’3 Mdm Kas also mentioned that in any marriage the couple would encounter challenges. The couple must work and be committed to maintain a successful marriage. ‘Couples must be inspired to view marriages as lifelong processes and to take responsibility for sustaining them.’4 In fact in the recent years namely 2001, public education strategies and initiatives aimed at promoting positive attitudes among Singaporeans towards the family were introduced. She also mentioned that marriage preparatory courses are available now. These programmes are “important to help newly weds get used to married life”5 Getting to know and accepting our spouse and ‘mother-in-law’ are part and parcel of marriage. These are challenges that we can manage and should not be viewed as problems. Mdm Kas also mentioned that her sisters- in-law were married at a young age because they were not highly educated and only working as seamstresses and selling homemade cakes. I think the general impression at that time was the brides were married young and had little education. Those who had better education delay their marriage and some even remain single. That was the impression of the 1960s but in fact recent reports revealed a similar pattern. ‘More Singaporeans are remaining single, delaying marriage and having fewer children. Many place priorities because of careers and other life goals, while holding high but often unrealistic expectations about their life partners’.6 Mdm Kas’ personal experiences are interesting. She is a friendly woman who is willing to tell her personal lifestory but she cautioned me many times that other people experiences may not be the same as hers. Although unsuccessful in her first marriage she remarried and had a wonderful life with her second husband and her three children. According to her she maintained good contact with her ex husband and her ex mother-in-law when she was still alive. All her children are now grown up and have their own family. I am thankful to her for agreeing to my request to interview her for this project. Endnotes a country study Federal Research Division Library of Congress. Edited by Barbara Leitch Lepoer. Research Completed December 1989 1 2 Statistics on Marriages and Divorces 1998’ 3 a country study Federal Research Division Library of Congress. Edited by Barbara Leitch Lepoer. Research Completed December 1989 4 Family Matters. Report of the Public Education Committee on Family pg 5 5 Family Matters A Report of the Public Education Committee on Family(Abridge Version) pg 18 6 Family Matters. Report of the Public Education Committee on Family. Executive summary pg 11 References. A country study Federal Research Division Library of Congress. Edited by Barbara Leitch Lepoer. Research Completed December 1989 Family Matters. Report of the Public Education Committee on Family Jan 2002 Family Matters A Report of the Public Education Committee on Family(Abridge Version) Jan 2002 Statistics on Marriages and Divorces 1998 Singapore Dept of Statistics Printed by Integrated Press Pte Ltd. Yearbook of Statistics Singapore 1967 Chief Statistician Dept of Statistics The Ties That Bind In Search of the Modern Singapore Family AWARE 1996 Armour Publishing. Profile of the Interviewee: Name of the interviewee: Mdm Kas A. 56 years old Race & Religion: Malay Islam Nationality: Singaporean Language used: Malay and some English Transcript For the Oral Interview Project Can you tell me about yourself? I am 56 years old. I have three children and they are all grown up now. All of them are married and have their own house. They don’t stay with my husband and me. Do your children have their own kids? Oh, yes. My eldest son has five kids. My daughter has three kids. My youngest son will soon have his own children. Can you tell me about marriage during the olden days that is during your time? My marriages… I was married the first time at the age of 16. It was an arranged marriage. It did not last long. I had a son from my first marriage. Two years later I got married to my husband until now… I have the other two children. What about your second marriage, is it an arranged one also? Yes. In which year did you get married? 1963 and 1966 Is it common for the people at that time be match made? Yes, arranged marriages are common at that time. There are others that were married … of their own choice. My sister got married to the man of her own choice. But she was actually match made to another man but it seemed she didn’t like the man and then she talked to the man and broke the engagement. You mean she was already engaged? How old was your sister at that time? Yes, but she really didn’t like the man. He was not good-looking and much older than my sister. My sister felt that he just couldn’t be her husband. I remember my mother was quite angry but she also didn’t really like him. So she agreed quietly. Not long after the engagement was broken, my sister told my mom about another man who wanted to marry her. My mother accepted grudgingly. My mom is strict and headstrong. She wants all her children to listen and obey her. She lets my sister get married but she warned her if there should be any problem in the marriage my sister will have to settle the problem herself. My sister was about 22 years old when she got married and for my mom - my sister was an old maid. Can you tell me about your marriage? My mother somehow always gets worried when her daughters do not get married at a certain age. I know that is her reason for arranging my first marriage. I was young at that time but still she was worried. Actually my mom herself was married when she was about 13 years old. I know that her mother also arranged her marriage. Actually if you ask me why my first marriage fail, I really cannot tell you what was the reason because I really don’t know. Maybe …because I was young. I remember that my first husband and I had a few arguments. He was a good man but I guess we were not fated to be together. My marriage to this husband was also arranged. My father’s friend knew that my mom was extremely worried because I was a divorcee with a son. His wife’s brother was already about 30 something and still single. His mother-inlaw was looking for a wife for her son. My husband was a filial son who had looked after and done his duty as a son and a responsible brother to all his sisters. He agreed to get married only after all his sisters were married. When your mom arranged your marriage for you, didn’t you say anything? No. We are not like the youngsters nowadays. I was not educated. You didn’t go to school? I went to school but stop halfway at Primary 6. My family shifted to another place. I attended the Arabic school after that but didn’t do well. I was not clever… Around that time it was quite common to have arranged marriages. Marrying at such a young age for a girl was also acceptable although not at 16 but around 18,19, 20. Nowadays girls at that age are busy schooling. Just now you said that it was common to have arranged marriages? Yes, around that time as far as I know we women do not mix and socialize with the opposite sex as you all do nowadays. Maybe my family and relatives and people that I know … Different from now…I didn’t have any boyfriends. My uncle told me that I will be engaged to a 20 something man. How long were you engaged? Can you tell me how did you feel at that time? I was engaged for 6 months but did not go out with him. At that time, marriages can also take place and the bride and the groom do not see each other until the wedding day you know. For me… he visited my house a few times and we talk a bit but always with other people in the house. I didn’t feel anything …I just accepted that he would be my future husband. Why didn’t you go out together? At that time not like nowadays… We are quite conservative. We do not disobey our parents. We listen and respect our parents and elders. In Islam we were taught to obey our parents. In Islam women cannot go dating with men who are not our ‘muhrim’. The Malay custom also encourages the men to ‘look for’ the ladies in marriage and not otherwise. Somehow my mom didn’t have any reason to reject the proposal of the first man. I am an obedient daughter. I don’t know about others but I didn’t go out with him. In fact when I was engaged to my second husband, I went out with him on one occasion and we were accompanied with my younger brother. I remembered that my sister also had to bring my younger brother along when she went out with her fiancé just before they got married. Like I told you, my mom was strict. You mentioned that you had arguments with your first husband. What were the arguments about? One of them is living with mother-in-law; coming back late … he is a very friendly man and enjoys chatting with friends. He has lots of friends. Don’t know… I think I was too young at that time… I had a very strict upbringing…I was not used to my first husband’s character and somehow we didn’t get along well. I also didn’t know why I didn’t want to stay with my mom-in-law. She was also a nice woman. Actually in any marriage you will encounter challenges. Both the husband and wife must work and be committed to make the marriage a success. Especially in the first year the couple should have time to get to know each other – give and take. There is a Malay saying ‘even the tongue gets bitten’ - arguments are part and parcel of family life. Now it is much better. I heard there are marriage preparatory courses that couples can attend before they get married. Anyway I believe strongly in fate. Besides yourself, do you personally know of other people that had arranged marriages at that time? Yes, I know. My husbands’ sisters’ marriages were all arranged except for the youngest sister. The youngest sister was English educated and was working as a nurse but the others received Arabic education and working at home. They were seamstresses and sold homemade cakes for a living. My aunts and my cousins were also match made to their husbands. Most of my friends had arranged marriages too. They got married at about 20 years old.