Dear Freshmeatmen,
Congratu-­fucking-­lations. You made it through the admissions process, convinced your parents to cancel their retirement, and now you’re all packed and ready to march through the golden gates that guard our holy temple of knowledge from the unworthy. Figuratively speaking, of course. The golden gates are actually just a hu-­
man chain of underpaid gold-­jacketed Allied Barton guards. The occasional bike thief and mugger get through, but rest assured that they’re ironclad against those pesky Drexel students.
Face it, you’re not in Westchester anymore. You’re in West Philadelphia. Man up. And don’t you dare start singing the Fresh Prince theme song. I hear that song 65 times too many when the Penn Quest busses roll back into town after their week-­
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Volume LXXXIX
FALL 2013
Anyway, the point of my letter is to let you know that I’ve lied to you. I would apolo-­
gize, but Dr. Amy Gutmann doesn’t apologize (not even when PETA caught me substituting squirrels for lab rats for Penn research). So, I’ll just correct the falsities that I’ve crammed down your throats, and we can start with a clean slate. Right? Good.
Issue ONE
Editorial Staff
Editors-in-Chief:
Monica Schechter Justin Starr Nikhil Menezes ‘14
‘14
‘15
Executive Editors:
Julia Hurley ‘14
Kira Simon ‘15
Managing Editor:
Jonathan Calles ‘16
Business Editor:
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Laura Doherty Š›Ž”ȱ•œŠ¢Žȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ
Daniel Gillis ˜‹ȱ˜•Ž—ȱ ȱ
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want to see your name on this page?
come to our introduction meeting! info can be found on our website, thepunchbowl.net
and if you have any questions/ comments/ brownies, email thepunchbowl@gmail.com or
check us out on facebook (facebook.com/pennpunchbowl) and twitter (@thepunchbowl).
Somehow, we’re still
What do you say about a girl like SAC? Maybe something about the way the sun shines in her hair? Or the way she twirls her hair when she’s nervous? Or the way she puts her hair up in the morning before she goes out on a jog. Listen SAC, none of us at the Punch Bowl want this relationship to move too fast, but seriously, you have beau-­
tiful hair.
See, every year or so we knock on SAC’s door asking for money. We’re not offering them a chance to contribute to a worthy charity or even a new path towards spiritual reawakening, but rather the opportunity to fund us so that the puns and inappropriate MRNHV WKDW ÀRDW DURXQG RXU KHDGV DOO GD\
have a relatively warm and papery place to stay a few times a year.
It’s at this stage in the toast that SAC’s uncle who’s had a few too many drinks VWDQGVXSDQG\HOOV³'$01675$,*+7´
and we stand there laughing nervously un-­
til the murmuring subsides. With SAC, we learn to love those moments almost as much as the money we get from them. So before we bring in the new school year, here’s to another year of SAC funding, gratuitous SHUVRQL¿FDWLRQDQGPL[HGPHWDSKRUV
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First, NSO isn’t meant to help you learn more about what life will be like at Penn. I can tell you everything you need to know in three ground rules: 1) don’t eat at Commons, 2) don’t schedule classes on Fridays, and 3) don’t over-­pump the keg. Actually, there’s more you need to know. It’s just that technically, your tuition only covers payment for three helpful hints, but I’ll throw in a few others just because I’m feeling nice today: Your life at Penn will not only sometimes be a drunken haze of hookups and parties, despite how Kate Taylor chose to depict you all in The New York Times. If you are in Wharton you will work hard to ruthlessly manipulate the curve. If you are in Engineering you will work hard to function on less than 45 minutes of sleep. If you are in Nursing, you will work hard to hide your deep-­seated fear of blood. And if you are in the College, you will work hard to convince your parents you work hard.
The second lie is one you’ve heard from tour guides since you set foot on campus: Penn is not a liberal arts school. Sure, you FDQSLFNIURPDQ\RQHRIRXUPDMRUVEXWDVIDUDV,¶PFRQFHUQHG\RXIDOOLQWRRIFDWHJRULHV³¿QDQFH´RU³RWKHU´
And we will do everything in our power to make you into blood-­thirsty, penny-­squandering bankers because that’s what brings in the big bucks for the Making History Campaign fund. Your tuition only goes so far to fund my pant suit collection.
Finally, you’re not the best class Penn has ever seen. Not even close. Have you seen our alumni list? John freaking Legend went to Penn! Do you really think that any of you are the next John Legend? I doubt it. Also, only 250 of you have pub-­
lished books, only 87 of you have climbed Mt. Everest, and only 7 of you have saved the president of a country from an assassination attempt. Really? Only 7? The class of 1976 had 70. For all of you bringing the average GPA down, that’s 10 times your measly number.
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questions or concerns about the University, but in the spirit of honesty I’ll tell you right now, I don’t have time for your problems -­ your tuition money isn’t going to count itself.
Haters gonna hate,
Amy Gut
mann
AMY LETTER
3
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APPLICANTS
They say if you whisper “Common App” in a freshman’s ear, they give a look simiĥ
lar to that of a veteran reminded of his time in war. So for your entertainment, we
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THOUGHTS OF AN NSO FRESHMAN
Freshmen during NSO are like those of Philadelphia Eagles season ticket holders at the start of football season:
knee-deep in debt and hopelessly misguided by delusions of grandeur. Here are some of the common thoughts
that will be floating around campus this week.
If that New York Times
article is any indication, I
should have no problem
getting laid!
Masturbating is so high
school.
I wouldn’t have gone to
Yale anyways…
If I just clean up a little
every night, there’s no
reason why my room
should be messy.
I love how many a capella
groups there are on campus!
I can’t wait to meet new
people at this party tonight!
Campus seems cool, but I
can’t wait to explore Philly
every weekend!
Wow, the Daily Pennsylvanian is so professional!
Of course I’m going to
drink, just never black-out
drink, you know?
4
After waking up at 6:00
for high school, waking up
at 10:00 for class should
be a breeze.
I hear the football team is
going to be pretty good
this year.
I don’t think I’ll go Greek.
I’d rather make my own
friend groups.
Gosh, I’ll never tire of
walking down Locust!
I picked my roommate
instead of going random,
so I know she’ll respect
my space and sleeping
schedule
I’m totally going to make
friends outside of my
racial demographic.
Wawa? I think I’ll stick to
cafeteria food.
I did AP Calc in high
school, so I’ll probably ace
Math 104.
Finally, no one will ever
get confused about my
school’s name!
I’m so excited to throw
parties in my comfortablysized, awesome Hill dorm
room!
THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL
VOICES OF NSO
We gathered thoughts on this year’s NSO from new students and the thinkers
they will eventually pretend they studied.
Penn Inside Scoop: The
10 Things About Penn
Nobody Will Tell You
ALEX BENSON
I have to say, one thing I love about NSO is all the free stuff! I mean, the minute I get to school it’s like free key chains, free mugs, free whistles, free shirts.
What a great way to be introduced to the school!
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KARL MARX
As soon as I stepped on campus, supposedly one of the last bastions of
refuge from the global capitalist influence, commodities immediately confronted me. They tried to tempt me with no price, as if the absence of a monetary value could negate the sweat and labour inherent in each keychain. The
fetishism among the Class of 2017 is strong.
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LUCY TRAVIS
I am loving the school spirit here! They say the football team isn’t that good,
but that won’t stop me from throwing toast on the field and cheering on our
boys in the red and blue! I already feel such a connection to the Class of 2017
I can’t wait to get to know everyone.
AYN RAND
Herds of students grazing on school handouts frolic across the university
greens, masses of likeminded and weak individuals wondering how to behave and to whom they should acquiesce. I find myself stamped as a member of the Class of 2017. I scoff at the idea; I hope to make my own class, my
own cadre of the superior and the free. No one has joined me so far — a good
sign.
MARSHALL GOLDSTEIN
I went to my first party last night, and holy shit, I’m lucky I brought that pack
of condoms before coming. I haven’t gotten lucky yet, but the way these
nights seem to go it’s only a matter of time. Looks like the expiry date on that
old V-card is coming up soon!
SIGMUND FREUD
Aggression is like oil here at Penn, waiting beneath the surface to be tapped.
Students chafe under the authority of the father figure, President Guttmann,
but internalize their aggression toward authority into a vicious, businessminded superego. Both object-libido and narcissism are quenched by parties
held in dark rooms with intoxicants that hark back to a primal age of sexual
liberation, all eventually shattered by the red and blue lights of authority
once again swooping in to ensure civilization has its way.
TROY PRESCOTT
Damn, I am hungover as shhhhhhhit. I had like five shots last night. First we
went to this one frat house, then this other frat house, then this other one. It
was fucking insane. I don’t know how I got back to my dorm, but I’m pretty
sure that was like the best night of my life.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
I walked into the fraternity house with a few other acquaintances. They
walked to one corner and began to drink with urgency. They were rather
tight when they left, but I stayed behind. I watched more walk in and fewer
walk out. I was on my seventh glass when a sense of disgust came over me
that I could not diagnose or overcome. I left, pushing through crowds of
freshmen walking without direction. Perhaps I felt disgust for their crude
manners and their loud ways. Yet I know it was rather my own, horribly similar lack of direction that prompted my hatred.
HUMOR MAGAZINE
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5
Translations for Successful Communication at Penn
Although you hear a plethora of languages during a typical day at Penn, sometimes the hardest language to understand is
English. Luckily, the Punch Bowl has put together some translations for common phrases you may hear.
TH E OF F IC IA L U NOF F IC A L T R A NS C R I P T OF A T Y P IC A L P E NN S TUDE N T
* * * * * * * * * * * UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA COURSE WORK * * * * * * * * * * * *
PROFESSOR: Don’t start this paper the night before it’s due.
TRANSLATION FOR FRESHMAN: Don’t go out for two weeks!
This paper is crucial to a successful career!
TRANSLATION FOR SENIOR: I challenge you to start this paĥ
per the night before it’s due.
COMMONS LADY: Pick your poison.
TRANSLATION: Pick your poison.
RA: No alcohol on the hall.
TRANSLATION: No getting sick on the hall.
PROFESSOR: Class attendance is necessary, but my lectures
and presentations will be on Canvas.
TRANSLATION: Enjoy sleeping in, and I’ll see you at the
¿QDO
FRESHMAN: Hill really isn’t that bad.
TRANSLATION: Hill really is that bad.
8
TA: If you act inappropriately towards me you’ll get in trouble.
TRANSLATION: You can friend me on Facebook and grind
with me at a downtown, but that’s about it.
PARENTS: Just promise me you’ll be safe and you won’t do
any drugs.
TRANSLATION: Just promise me you’ll be safe and you’ll
only do certain drugs.
I’m from
NYC.
I’m from
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THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL
I c
Freshman Fall
PHIL
202
ENGL
108
WRIT
002
LATN
100
FNAR
104
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ADVANCED BULLSHITTING
exciti ’t wait to
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tellect start this
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THE SYSTEMATIC DESTRUCTION OF YOUR LOVE OF WRITING
rney!
HOW TO COPE WITH A DEAD LANGUAGE
PHOTOGRAPHY: BETTER IN BLACK AND WHITE, REALLY!
Freshman Spring
MGMT
001
BIOL
100
CHEM
200
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300
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MAYBE THIS WILL HELP FOR PRE-LAW?
Sophomore
PSYC
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ASTR
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103
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LIKE IN HIGH SCHOOL BUT WITH BETTER CHEMICALS
RAD SOUNDZ
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class d all es…
My parents say INTRODUCTION TO BORING YOUR PANTS OFF
1001 MORE WAYS TO COUNT SHIT!
I should be more YOU TOOK ECON IN HIGH SCHOOL SO IT SHOULD BE FINE, RIGHT?
responsible…
THE EASIEST ONE YOU COULD FIND
accounting?
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101
GSWS
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650
INTERMEDIATE MENU PRONUNCIATION
CHERCHEZ LA FEMME: A HOW-TO GUIDE
ADVANCED UNISEX MOUSTACHE GROWING
Junior Spring
THAR
300
HIST
120
ANTH
080
MIMING WITHOUT BORDERS
MILITARY HISTORY OR THE INEVITABILITY OF SURRENDER
WHY EVERYONE IN EUROPE HATES AMERICANS
Senior Fall
MUSC
110
GYM
040
FNAR
160
COMM
010
DRUM CIRCLE
ROOM TEMPERATURE YOGA
INTRODUCTION TO FINGER PAINTING
SPEAKING
Senior Spring
MATH
270
ENGR
140
NURS
900
TUESDAY NIGHT BRIDGE
ADVANCED GOLF CART OPERATION
VOLUNTEER PATIENT
HUMOR MAGAZINE
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9
Just like the mold beneath the ovens and sinks in Commons, Penn students grow over the course of 4 years. Here are some of the ways students grow and change.
BEFORE
AFTER
BEFORE
AFTER
Schemes to Get Alumni to Donate
Get alumni drunk at Homecoming, convince them to
bet on the football team and then bet the entire endowment on the opposing team.
Thanks to some connections we are not at liberty to disclose,
Punch Bowl has acquired access to the most common questions
asked at the primal ritual known as the Alumni Interview.
Utilize alumni guilt and send donation requests signed
by Jewish mothers.
‡ You don’t seem Jewish or Asian. What exactly are
you doing here?
Serve food from “The Real Le Ahn” at alumni events
and then charge for bathroom use.
“Every thousand dollars you donate is a hundred
points less your child needs to score on the SAT.”
“I’m going to make lifelong IULHQGVGXULQJ162´
BEFORE
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Alumni Interview Questions
Create a secret society that inducts anyone who donates $1,000,000 (Note: best used on those rejected
from senior societies).
Offer to get a Wawa sandwich named after them, then
pretend you thought their name was “Buffalo Chicken.”
Threaten to add their email address to every club’s
listserv if they don’t donate at least $200,000.
‡ What is unique about you? Let me rephrase that,
why should I give a shit about the words that pour
out of your mouth?
‡ Do you use the word “network” as a verb more than
you use it as a noun?
‡ Are you willing to keep up the charade of a rivalry
with Princeton?
‡ How many activities that you say you’re going to
try will you skip to get hammered instead?
‡ Do you enjoy overpaying for textbooks? Never
mind, it doesn’t matter what you answer.
‡ Are you really willing to go this entire interview
without fucking asking me about study abroad?
‡ Would you like to donate to the Penn fund?
“If you don’t send us more money, how will we make
this campus progressively more ugly?”
Blackmail alumni using that “accidental footage” of
them urinating on the Ben Franklin statue as drunken
minors.
“I’ve never cut class
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Sociology, it just cuts into my PLGDIWHUQRRQQDSWLPH´
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AFTER
Nobody can refuse having their name featured on an
inconspicuous park bench.
“This might be the only non-life-threatening chance
you have at enlarging an endowment.”
Offer a personal concert with John Legend (important
first step: kidnapping John Legend).
Get creative with the endowment allocation records!
But seriously, erase any trace of funds going to a certain President’s pant suit collection.
Offer alumni their youth back in exchange for donations, then ease up restrictions on med students doing
a little pro bono plastic surgery.
“I can’t wait to study abroad VRPHZKHUHH[RWLF´
10
“It’s just like Penn in America, EXWKHUH,FDQGULQN´
“I am going to work my way up at The Daily Pennsylvanian
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“Uhhh, talking plants
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THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL
If you build it, they will come (“it” in this case being
any event with an open bar).
HUMOR MAGAZINE
Magazine seeking long term relationship.
Must have sense of humor.
Roles Available:
Writers
Copy Editors
Design/Layout
Business
Video Production
Web
Laughing
Baking
Scan to sign up!
check out more Content Online at
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11