Dear Freshmeatmen, Congratu-­fucking-­lations. You made it through the admissions process, convinced your parents to cancel their retirement, and now you’re all packed and ready to march through the golden gates that guard our holy temple of knowledge from the unworthy. Figuratively speaking, of course. The golden gates are actually just a hu-­ man chain of underpaid gold-­jacketed Allied Barton guards. The occasional bike thief and mugger get through, but rest assured that they’re ironclad against those pesky Drexel students. Face it, you’re not in Westchester anymore. You’re in West Philadelphia. Man up. And don’t you dare start singing the Fresh Prince theme song. I hear that song 65 times too many when the Penn Quest busses roll back into town after their week-­ ORQJ³FDPSLQJWULS´LQWKHZLOGHUQHVV<HDKLIWKDW¶V³FDPSLQJ´WKHQ,JXHVV,³JR FDPSLQJ´HYHU\WLPH,RSHQP\OLTXRUFDELQHW Volume LXXXIX FALL 2013 Anyway, the point of my letter is to let you know that I’ve lied to you. I would apolo-­ gize, but Dr. Amy Gutmann doesn’t apologize (not even when PETA caught me substituting squirrels for lab rats for Penn research). So, I’ll just correct the falsities that I’ve crammed down your throats, and we can start with a clean slate. Right? Good. Issue ONE Editorial Staff Editors-in-Chief: Monica Schechter Justin Starr Nikhil Menezes ‘14 ‘14 ‘15 Executive Editors: Julia Hurley ‘14 Kira Simon ‘15 Managing Editor: Jonathan Calles ‘16 Business Editor: ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȁŗś Spoons: Hayley Brooks ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ Conor Nickel Jamie Picano Daniela Bucay ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ Laura Doherty ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ Daniel Gillis ȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ££ȱ ȱ ‘14 ȁŗŚ ȁŗŚ ‘14 ‘14 ‘15 ȁŗś ȁŗś ‘15 ȁŗś ‘15 ȁŗś ȁŗś Hamza Qaiser Connor Ryan Zola Ray Theo Trampe ȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Kishan Patel America Perez ȱȱ ȱ Shira Stearns ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱ Jaimie Zhang ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ȁŗŜ ȁŗŜ ‘16 ‘16 ȁŗŜ ‘16 ȁŗŜ ȁŗŜ ‘16 want to see your name on this page? come to our introduction meeting! info can be found on our website, thepunchbowl.net and if you have any questions/ comments/ brownies, email thepunchbowl@gmail.com or check us out on facebook (facebook.com/pennpunchbowl) and twitter (@thepunchbowl). Somehow, we’re still What do you say about a girl like SAC? Maybe something about the way the sun shines in her hair? Or the way she twirls her hair when she’s nervous? Or the way she puts her hair up in the morning before she goes out on a jog. Listen SAC, none of us at the Punch Bowl want this relationship to move too fast, but seriously, you have beau-­ tiful hair. See, every year or so we knock on SAC’s door asking for money. We’re not offering them a chance to contribute to a worthy charity or even a new path towards spiritual reawakening, but rather the opportunity to fund us so that the puns and inappropriate MRNHV WKDW ÀRDW DURXQG RXU KHDGV DOO GD\ have a relatively warm and papery place to stay a few times a year. It’s at this stage in the toast that SAC’s uncle who’s had a few too many drinks VWDQGVXSDQG\HOOV³'$01675$,*+7´ and we stand there laughing nervously un-­ til the murmuring subsides. With SAC, we learn to love those moments almost as much as the money we get from them. So before we bring in the new school year, here’s to another year of SAC funding, gratuitous SHUVRQL¿FDWLRQDQGPL[HGPHWDSKRUV ¢ȱȱ ȱŘŖŗřǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱęǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȬǰȱȱ¢ȱǯ First, NSO isn’t meant to help you learn more about what life will be like at Penn. I can tell you everything you need to know in three ground rules: 1) don’t eat at Commons, 2) don’t schedule classes on Fridays, and 3) don’t over-­pump the keg. Actually, there’s more you need to know. It’s just that technically, your tuition only covers payment for three helpful hints, but I’ll throw in a few others just because I’m feeling nice today: Your life at Penn will not only sometimes be a drunken haze of hookups and parties, despite how Kate Taylor chose to depict you all in The New York Times. If you are in Wharton you will work hard to ruthlessly manipulate the curve. If you are in Engineering you will work hard to function on less than 45 minutes of sleep. If you are in Nursing, you will work hard to hide your deep-­seated fear of blood. And if you are in the College, you will work hard to convince your parents you work hard. The second lie is one you’ve heard from tour guides since you set foot on campus: Penn is not a liberal arts school. Sure, you FDQSLFNIURPDQ\RQHRIRXUPDMRUVEXWDVIDUDV,¶PFRQFHUQHG\RXIDOOLQWRRIFDWHJRULHV³¿QDQFH´RU³RWKHU´ And we will do everything in our power to make you into blood-­thirsty, penny-­squandering bankers because that’s what brings in the big bucks for the Making History Campaign fund. Your tuition only goes so far to fund my pant suit collection. Finally, you’re not the best class Penn has ever seen. Not even close. Have you seen our alumni list? John freaking Legend went to Penn! Do you really think that any of you are the next John Legend? I doubt it. Also, only 250 of you have pub-­ lished books, only 87 of you have climbed Mt. Everest, and only 7 of you have saved the president of a country from an assassination attempt. Really? Only 7? The class of 1976 had 70. For all of you bringing the average GPA down, that’s 10 times your measly number. 6RQRZWKDWZH¶UHRQWKHVDPHSDJH,FDQRI¿FLDOO\ZHOFRPH\RXWR3HQQ,ZRXOGWHOO\RXWRFRQWDFWPHLI\RXKDYHDQ\ questions or concerns about the University, but in the spirit of honesty I’ll tell you right now, I don’t have time for your problems -­ your tuition money isn’t going to count itself. Haters gonna hate, Amy Gut mann AMY LETTER 3 P ENN APPLICANTS They say if you whisper “Common App” in a freshman’s ear, they give a look simiĥ lar to that of a veteran reminded of his time in war. So for your entertainment, we ULÀHGWKURXJKVRPHROG3HQQDSSOLFDWLRQVWRVHHLIWKH\VWLUXSDQ\IRQGPHPRULHV Penny Pennington 9LNDVK,VLQJZHOO*XSWD SAT SCORE ĪMXVW OLNH ZKHQ 3HQQ ZDVIRXQGHGī HOMETOWN3HQQWRZQ,1 EXTRACURRICULARS &RPLQJ WR YLVLW 3HQQ*RLQJRQPXOWLSOHWRXUVRI3HQQ )ROORZLQJ 3UHVLGHQW *XWPDQQ ZKLOH SUHWHQGLQJWREHDVWXGHQWDW3HQQ JOBS HELD,FOHDQHGWKHOREE\RI+XQWVĥ PDQ +DOO ĪDW 3HQQī HYHU\ 6XQGD\ \RX MXVWGLGQ¶WNQRZ AP CLASSES )XFN QRQH RI WKHVH KDYH 3HQQLQWKHP -DPHV+XQWVPDQ SAT SCORE: 2220 HOMETOWN(GLVRQ1EXTRACURRICULARS 6LQJLQJ , VLQJ LQ +LQGL,VLQJLQ(QJOLVK JOBS HELD'LG\RXKHDU",VLQJLQ+LQGL DQGLQ(QJOLVK AP CLASSES -867 /(7 0( ,172 3(110$6$/$ SAT SCORE%HWWHUWKDQ\RXUV HOMETOWN3KLODGHOSKLD3$ EXTRACURRICULARS 'RHV KDYLQJ P\ IDPLO\SD\IRUWKDWQHZEXLOGLQJFRXQW" JOBS HELD1RQH:HPLJKWKROGWKDWLQ FRPPRQLI\RXGRQ¶WOHWPHLQ AP CLASSES:KDWDP,DQDFFRXQWDQW" THOUGHTS OF AN NSO FRESHMAN Freshmen during NSO are like those of Philadelphia Eagles season ticket holders at the start of football season: knee-deep in debt and hopelessly misguided by delusions of grandeur. Here are some of the common thoughts that will be floating around campus this week. If that New York Times article is any indication, I should have no problem getting laid! Masturbating is so high school. I wouldn’t have gone to Yale anyways… If I just clean up a little every night, there’s no reason why my room should be messy. I love how many a capella groups there are on campus! I can’t wait to meet new people at this party tonight! Campus seems cool, but I can’t wait to explore Philly every weekend! Wow, the Daily Pennsylvanian is so professional! Of course I’m going to drink, just never black-out drink, you know? 4 After waking up at 6:00 for high school, waking up at 10:00 for class should be a breeze. I hear the football team is going to be pretty good this year. I don’t think I’ll go Greek. I’d rather make my own friend groups. Gosh, I’ll never tire of walking down Locust! I picked my roommate instead of going random, so I know she’ll respect my space and sleeping schedule I’m totally going to make friends outside of my racial demographic. Wawa? I think I’ll stick to cafeteria food. I did AP Calc in high school, so I’ll probably ace Math 104. Finally, no one will ever get confused about my school’s name! I’m so excited to throw parties in my comfortablysized, awesome Hill dorm room! THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL VOICES OF NSO We gathered thoughts on this year’s NSO from new students and the thinkers they will eventually pretend they studied. Penn Inside Scoop: The 10 Things About Penn Nobody Will Tell You ALEX BENSON I have to say, one thing I love about NSO is all the free stuff! I mean, the minute I get to school it’s like free key chains, free mugs, free whistles, free shirts. What a great way to be introduced to the school! ī,I\RXULGHDVFRRWHUGRZQ /RFXVW:DONHYHU\RQHZLOOWKLQN \RX¶UHTXLUN\DQGLQWHUHVWLQJ KARL MARX As soon as I stepped on campus, supposedly one of the last bastions of refuge from the global capitalist influence, commodities immediately confronted me. They tried to tempt me with no price, as if the absence of a monetary value could negate the sweat and labour inherent in each keychain. The fetishism among the Class of 2017 is strong. ī3HRSOHRQO\LURQLFDOO\FRPSODLQ DERXWZULWLQJVHPLQDUV7KH\¶UH DFWXDOO\WKHEHVWFODVVHVDW3HQQ LUCY TRAVIS I am loving the school spirit here! They say the football team isn’t that good, but that won’t stop me from throwing toast on the field and cheering on our boys in the red and blue! I already feel such a connection to the Class of 2017 I can’t wait to get to know everyone. AYN RAND Herds of students grazing on school handouts frolic across the university greens, masses of likeminded and weak individuals wondering how to behave and to whom they should acquiesce. I find myself stamped as a member of the Class of 2017. I scoff at the idea; I hope to make my own class, my own cadre of the superior and the free. No one has joined me so far — a good sign. MARSHALL GOLDSTEIN I went to my first party last night, and holy shit, I’m lucky I brought that pack of condoms before coming. I haven’t gotten lucky yet, but the way these nights seem to go it’s only a matter of time. Looks like the expiry date on that old V-card is coming up soon! SIGMUND FREUD Aggression is like oil here at Penn, waiting beneath the surface to be tapped. Students chafe under the authority of the father figure, President Guttmann, but internalize their aggression toward authority into a vicious, businessminded superego. Both object-libido and narcissism are quenched by parties held in dark rooms with intoxicants that hark back to a primal age of sexual liberation, all eventually shattered by the red and blue lights of authority once again swooping in to ensure civilization has its way. TROY PRESCOTT Damn, I am hungover as shhhhhhhit. I had like five shots last night. First we went to this one frat house, then this other frat house, then this other one. It was fucking insane. I don’t know how I got back to my dorm, but I’m pretty sure that was like the best night of my life. ERNEST HEMINGWAY I walked into the fraternity house with a few other acquaintances. They walked to one corner and began to drink with urgency. They were rather tight when they left, but I stayed behind. I watched more walk in and fewer walk out. I was on my seventh glass when a sense of disgust came over me that I could not diagnose or overcome. I left, pushing through crowds of freshmen walking without direction. Perhaps I felt disgust for their crude manners and their loud ways. Yet I know it was rather my own, horribly similar lack of direction that prompted my hatred. HUMOR MAGAZINE ī)UDWHUQLWLHVJHQHUDOO\ZDQW\RX WRKDYHWKHVDPHJHQGHUUDWLR DVDVWDQGDUGFRXQWU\FOXEXSRQ HQWHULQJWKHLUSDUWLHV ī7KHRQO\ZD\WREHWDSSHGE\ DVHFUHWVRFLHW\LVWRFOLPEWRWKH WRSRIWKHWDPSRQV ī/DPHSHRSOHEULQJDOFRKROWR %<26&RROSHRSOHEULQJFRDVWĥ HUV ī:KHQVHFXULW\WHOOV\RXWR VWRSELNLQJRQ/RFXVW:DONWKH\ UHDOO\MXVWZDQWWRUDFH ī,I\RXMXPSXSDQGGRZQRQ WKHFRPSDVVDQGVFUHDPUDFLDO HSLWKHWVOHJHQGKDVLWWKDW\RX ZLOOPHHWD'HDQWKDWGD\ ī,I\RXVWXG\KDUGDQGSD\DWĥ WHQWLRQLQFODVV\RX¶OOGRZHOORQ \RXU¿QDOV ī7KURZ\RXU0DFERRNRXWRI DZLQGRZLQWKH4XDGDQGZKRĥ HYHUFDWFKHVLWZLOOEH\RXUIXWXUH VSRXVHĪİRI3HQQJUDGXDWHV PDUU\WKHJURXQGī ī0RVW LPSRUWDQWO\ <RXZLOOEH H[SHOOHGIRU WDNLQJSLFĥ WXUHVLQIURQW RIWKH/RYH 6WDWXH 5 Translations for Successful Communication at Penn Although you hear a plethora of languages during a typical day at Penn, sometimes the hardest language to understand is English. Luckily, the Punch Bowl has put together some translations for common phrases you may hear. TH E OF F IC IA L U NOF F IC A L T R A NS C R I P T OF A T Y P IC A L P E NN S TUDE N T * * * * * * * * * * * UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA COURSE WORK * * * * * * * * * * * * PROFESSOR: Don’t start this paper the night before it’s due. TRANSLATION FOR FRESHMAN: Don’t go out for two weeks! This paper is crucial to a successful career! TRANSLATION FOR SENIOR: I challenge you to start this paĥ per the night before it’s due. COMMONS LADY: Pick your poison. TRANSLATION: Pick your poison. RA: No alcohol on the hall. TRANSLATION: No getting sick on the hall. PROFESSOR: Class attendance is necessary, but my lectures and presentations will be on Canvas. TRANSLATION: Enjoy sleeping in, and I’ll see you at the ¿QDO FRESHMAN: Hill really isn’t that bad. TRANSLATION: Hill really is that bad. 8 TA: If you act inappropriately towards me you’ll get in trouble. TRANSLATION: You can friend me on Facebook and grind with me at a downtown, but that’s about it. PARENTS: Just promise me you’ll be safe and you won’t do any drugs. TRANSLATION: Just promise me you’ll be safe and you’ll only do certain drugs. I’m from NYC. I’m from :HVWFKHVWHU THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL I c Freshman Fall PHIL 202 ENGL 108 WRIT 002 LATN 100 FNAR 104 an ADVANCED BULLSHITTING exciti ’t wait to ng in SKIMMING ENOUGH TO PARTICIPATE tellect start this u al jou THE SYSTEMATIC DESTRUCTION OF YOUR LOVE OF WRITING rney! HOW TO COPE WITH A DEAD LANGUAGE PHOTOGRAPHY: BETTER IN BLACK AND WHITE, REALLY! Freshman Spring MGMT 001 BIOL 100 CHEM 200 HIST 300 pre-p INTRODUCTION TO SCHMOOZING AND SCHEMING ot nearly n e I’m , k c Fu e to becom m ti WHAT’S INSIDE YOU … n n e P enough for ing! WHAT’S APPARENTLY INSIDE EVERYTHING pre-everyth MAYBE THIS WILL HELP FOR PRE-LAW? Sophomore PSYC CHEM MUSC ASTR Fall 103 104 201 002 Sophomore ACCT ACCT ECON MATH Spring 001 102 200 170 rofessional PSYCHEDELICS AND YOU LIKE IN HIGH SCHOOL BUT WITH BETTER CHEMICALS RAD SOUNDZ THE UNIVERSE IS LIKE, SO VAST, MAN I’m ju st pre-pr so over th ofessio i you k nal a s school’s t now? mosph my p Also I fa ere, ile remed class d all es… My parents say INTRODUCTION TO BORING YOUR PANTS OFF 1001 MORE WAYS TO COUNT SHIT! I should be more YOU TOOK ECON IN HIGH SCHOOL SO IT SHOULD BE FINE, RIGHT? responsible… THE EASIEST ONE YOU COULD FIND accounting? me! g n i s res opp rope s i e Eu dy yon Ever scape to risis; stu ) E c ce llege in Fran o c (Mid d year a abro Junior Fall FREN 101 GSWS 160 BIOL 650 INTERMEDIATE MENU PRONUNCIATION CHERCHEZ LA FEMME: A HOW-TO GUIDE ADVANCED UNISEX MOUSTACHE GROWING Junior Spring THAR 300 HIST 120 ANTH 080 MIMING WITHOUT BORDERS MILITARY HISTORY OR THE INEVITABILITY OF SURRENDER WHY EVERYONE IN EUROPE HATES AMERICANS Senior Fall MUSC 110 GYM 040 FNAR 160 COMM 010 DRUM CIRCLE ROOM TEMPERATURE YOGA INTRODUCTION TO FINGER PAINTING SPEAKING Senior Spring MATH 270 ENGR 140 NURS 900 TUESDAY NIGHT BRIDGE ADVANCED GOLF CART OPERATION VOLUNTEER PATIENT HUMOR MAGAZINE Offer a ccep summer ted from emplo Game O yer. ver. for amn old I’m too d this shit. 9 Just like the mold beneath the ovens and sinks in Commons, Penn students grow over the course of 4 years. Here are some of the ways students grow and change. BEFORE AFTER BEFORE AFTER Schemes to Get Alumni to Donate Get alumni drunk at Homecoming, convince them to bet on the football team and then bet the entire endowment on the opposing team. Thanks to some connections we are not at liberty to disclose, Punch Bowl has acquired access to the most common questions asked at the primal ritual known as the Alumni Interview. Utilize alumni guilt and send donation requests signed by Jewish mothers. You don’t seem Jewish or Asian. What exactly are you doing here? Serve food from “The Real Le Ahn” at alumni events and then charge for bathroom use. “Every thousand dollars you donate is a hundred points less your child needs to score on the SAT.” “I’m going to make lifelong IULHQGVGXULQJ162´ BEFORE ³:KRDUH\RX"´ AFTER “I was Class President in high VFKRRO,¶GOLNHWRUXQDW3HQQ´ BEFORE “We have a student JRYHUQPHQW"´ AFTER Alumni Interview Questions Create a secret society that inducts anyone who donates $1,000,000 (Note: best used on those rejected from senior societies). Offer to get a Wawa sandwich named after them, then pretend you thought their name was “Buffalo Chicken.” Threaten to add their email address to every club’s listserv if they don’t donate at least $200,000. What is unique about you? Let me rephrase that, why should I give a shit about the words that pour out of your mouth? Do you use the word “network” as a verb more than you use it as a noun? Are you willing to keep up the charade of a rivalry with Princeton? How many activities that you say you’re going to try will you skip to get hammered instead? Do you enjoy overpaying for textbooks? Never mind, it doesn’t matter what you answer. Are you really willing to go this entire interview without fucking asking me about study abroad? Would you like to donate to the Penn fund? “If you don’t send us more money, how will we make this campus progressively more ugly?” Blackmail alumni using that “accidental footage” of them urinating on the Ben Franklin statue as drunken minors. “I’ve never cut class LQP\OLIH´ BEFORE “It’s not that I don’t like Sociology, it just cuts into my PLGDIWHUQRRQQDSWLPH´ AFTER “I am going to use my HGXFDWLRQIRUJRRG´ BEFORE “That family probably has a minivan they can live out of in-­ VWHDGRIWKHLUKRXVHDQ\ZD\V´ AFTER Nobody can refuse having their name featured on an inconspicuous park bench. “This might be the only non-life-threatening chance you have at enlarging an endowment.” Offer a personal concert with John Legend (important first step: kidnapping John Legend). Get creative with the endowment allocation records! But seriously, erase any trace of funds going to a certain President’s pant suit collection. Offer alumni their youth back in exchange for donations, then ease up restrictions on med students doing a little pro bono plastic surgery. “I can’t wait to study abroad VRPHZKHUHH[RWLF´ 10 “It’s just like Penn in America, EXWKHUH,FDQGULQN´ “I am going to work my way up at The Daily Pennsylvanian DQGEHFRPH(GLWRU´ “Uhhh, talking plants DUHIXQQ\ULJKW"´ THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL If you build it, they will come (“it” in this case being any event with an open bar). HUMOR MAGAZINE Magazine seeking long term relationship. Must have sense of humor. Roles Available: Writers Copy Editors Design/Layout Business Video Production Web Laughing Baking Scan to sign up! check out more Content Online at ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȦ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȓ 11