Teaching Sexuality in the Home
Teaching Sexuality
in the Home
Teaching Sexuality
in the Home
Brigham Young University
Master’s of Social Work
Community Organization Class
Class of 2014
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
A guide targeted to the Utah community to help parents be informed as they teach their children about human sexuality. This
book was produced as a public service by students in the BYU Master’s of Social Work Community Organization class, Class of 2014.
Views expressed in this book are those of the authors and do not
necessarily represent the views of Brigham Young University or The
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This book contains information on several health topics, however, this guide is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Always
seek the advice of a qualified medical professional for medical advice.
Professor: Dr. Michael Seipel
Project Managers: Vanessa Storey & Kevin Harmon
Layout and Design: Jacob Creedon
Copyright © BYU School of Social Work, 2014
All Rights Reserved.
To Dr. Seipel
our fearless leader and teacher
A special thanks to all those family and friends who contributed
monetarily to the completion and distribution of this book, as well as
Einstein Bros. Bagels for their generous donation.
Contents
Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Parents’ Responsibilities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Creating a Safe Environment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pre-Adolescent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Adolescence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Same-Sex Attraction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sexual Abuse . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Pornography and Other Technology-Related Concerns . Skills to Teach Your Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Techniques . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
7
11
15
35
47
59
77
91
97
103
Introduction
In 2012, the Utah Congress passed a bill, HB 363, which defined
sexual education in Utah as “abstinence-only” which would “ban instruction in sexual intercourse, homosexuality, contraceptive methods and
sexual activity outside of marriage.”1 However, when the bill reached
Governor Herbert’s desk, he put a veto on the bill, stating that the bill
went “too far in constricting parental options.”2
Governor Herbert was not the only one to comment regarding the
potential passing of the bill. Senator Mark Madsen, a Republican from
Lehi who was in support of passing the bill, was quoted as saying that it
is important to “define what role schools and parents play in the education of a child,” and that there is “something wrong with parents sending
their children to school to learn morals and sexuality and schools sending
students home to learn how to read.”3 Likewise, Senator Stuart Reid, a
Republican from Ogden, voiced his concern of having “essentially complete strangers teaching children the most sensitive issues that belong in
the home.”4 Since that bill was introduced in 2012, another bill, SB 39,
was introduced by the Senate in 2013. This bill would have required the
state school board to offer online training to parents on how to educate
Introduction
2
children on sex. However, the bill has since been filed in the Senate as
defeated.5
With sexual education becoming a taboo subject in schools, it is
important to remember the value of teaching sexuality in the home. Educators in Canada collaborated to make an innovative website for sexuality educators and stated, “Effective sexual health education needs to
emphasize the shared responsibility of parents, peers, places of worship,
schools, health care systems, governments, the media and a variety of
other institutions and agencies.”6
As students in the Community Organization class in the School of
Social Work at Brigham Young University, we agree that parents need to
be involved in teaching their children about sexuality. We recognize that
topics in sexuality can oftentimes be very difficult to address. In fact,
“teaching sexual responsibility and restraint may be the single greatest
challenge that parents face today.”7 However, we believe that such important and sensitive topics can be best addressed and taught in the home.
Thus, we designed this manual with parents in mind.
What is this Manual?
From talking to parents and local agencies in the community, we
have recognized a need for parents to know how to address and teach
topics of sexuality in the home. We created this manual to be a guide for
you in teaching your children about sexuality. We have gathered research
from various sources to put this manual together.
In an attempt to be value-flexible, the sources used in this manual
are aimed to be value-neutral. Therefore, it is important to recognize that
the research we present must be adapted to fit your individual value system. If we present something in this manual that does not coincide with
your values, recognize that it is your responsibility as a parent to teach
your children according to your values.
Defining Sexuality
Before the manual begins, we would like to spend some time discussing the definition of sexuality that will be used within this manual.
Sexuality is difficult to put into a single definition. However, the following is what the World Health Organization has developed as a working
definition of sexuality:
A central aspect of being human throughout life encompasses sex,
gender identities and roles, sexual orientation, eroticism, pleasure, inTeaching Sexuality in the Home
3
timacy and reproduction. Sexuality is experienced and expressed in
thoughts, fantasies, desires, beliefs, attitudes, values, behaviors, practices, roles, and relationships.While sexuality can include all of these
dimensions, not all of them are always experienced or expressed. Sexuality is influenced by the interaction of biological, psychological,
social, economic, political, cultural, legal, historical, religious, and
spiritual factors.8
Thus, through this definition, it is easy to see the true complication
of establishing a standard understanding of the word sexuality.
There are several noteworthy aspects within this definition that are
important to clarify in order to understand the purpose and value of this
manual. The first is that sexuality is a central aspect of being human.
Another important aspect is that sexuality is not just having sexual intercourse. It also encompasses gender identities and roles. This important
understanding of the self can impact a person’s self-esteem, social circles,
and understanding of self and others. Understanding gender and what
role that plays in life is a crucial concept for every child.
Another key part of the definition is that sexuality can be both experienced and expressed. This means that just because your child is not
expressing their sexuality in ways that you can see, does not mean that
your child is not experiencing sexuality of some kind. This is one of the
reasons that it is important to talk to all of your children about sexuality,
not just those who are exhibiting an awareness of the concept.
Along with the expression of sexuality, the variety of different views
and factors that play a part in a person’s unique understanding of sexuality vary greatly. Sexuality varies by person based on several factors, which
may include differing beliefs, attitudes, values, and relationships. Psychological, social, economic, cultural, and spiritual factors also lead sexuality to vary. In other words, sexuality is a very unique experience and
is not solely determined by biology. Because sexuality varies, it is crucial
for parents to help their children understand their unique sexuality.
Sexuality involves the interaction of many factors, thus it only
makes sense that it impacts many aspects of a child’s life. Sexuality can
impact how a child feels about themselves. It can impact sleeping habits.
It can impact social habits including what activities a child will participate
in. It can impact what entertainment a child chooses. In short, sexuality
is not only about sex. It is about every aspect of a child’s life and how they
view themselves and the world around them. Helping your child make
Introduction
4
the best choices for them in regards to sexuality is an important aspect
of your role as a parent. This manual will give you a better foundation of
where, when, and how to have these important conversations with your
child. With your help, your child will develop a clearer picture of what
sexuality is and what their options are.
We spoke with local agencies and parents in the community to determine what topics of sexuality parents face when raising their children.
We have taken this information and organized this manual to fit parents’
needs. The authors of one parent’s guide discussed the following:
No realistic parents believe he or she can be the only source of sexual
information to a child.The media, the peer group, and the school will
all play large (and mixed) roles. But parents with the right message
and the right timing can preempt negative and harmful information.
They can also create a positive frame of reference and an effective
filter through which kids can interpret and internalize what is useful
and helpful to them, and screen out or set aside what is harmful or
dangerous.9
With this in mind, our manual starts by discussing the importance
of knowing your own values and responsibilities as a parent. We then
transition into the importance of building a close and safe relationship
with your child.We feel that if parents can first recognize their values and
then work to continually build a strong relationship with their children,
teaching the topic of sexuality within the home will become easier.
After we discuss the importance of values and relationships, we
move into what research finds to be age-appropriate teachings for pre-adolescent and adolescent children.We found it appropriate to break up the
teachings between these two age groups, as it is important to build upon
the conversations regarding sexuality. Additionally, children experience
different things as they age, so we felt it appropriate to separate the conversations that take place at those different ages.
After covering what research finds to be age-appropriate, we address various topics that children may be exposed to throughout their
lives. There may be some chapters that you feel are irrelevant to your
particular child. However, we feel these are important topics that children need to be aware of, and as a parent it can be helpful to address such
topics with your children. As a parent in today’s society, it is important to
be aware of topics that are becoming a common part of your child’s life.
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
5
We first discuss same-sex attraction, a growing topic of acknowledgement and awareness in society. We then cover the topic of sexual abuse.
According to the Utah Department of Health, “one in three Utah women
will experience some type of sexual assault in their lifetime and one in
eight will be raped.”10 This statistic can be terrifying, but as parents are
aware of such statistics surrounding sexual abuse, they can become better
equipped to have conversations with their children regarding this important topic in sexuality. Because of the statistics surrounding sexual abuse,
we found it important to address this topic.
Following the sexual abuse chapter, we discuss the newly rising and
ever increasing technology-based mediums that children are exposed to
that influence sexuality. We discuss research on pornography and other
social media sites that contribute to a child’s education of sexuality. As
you become aware of the various sources from which your children can
receive sexual education or opinions, you will be able to recognize where
your values lie and help educate your children on how to be safe on technology-based sites.
The manual will conclude with a chapter on different skills that
we have found to be important for parents to teach their children. We
believe that these skills can be used to help facilitate the teaching of the
different topics presented throughout the manual. These skills include
teaching assertiveness and coping skills. We have also included a chapter that discusses various techniques parents can use to help teach their
children. Additionally, we have provided a section that includes resources
from community agencies as well as resources of other educational information that can be helpful for parents to review if they are uncertain
about a particular topic.
References
1. Wood, B. (2012, March 6). Abstinence-only sex education bill passes Utah Legislature.
Deseret News. Retrieved from http://www.deseretnews.com on February 27, 2014.
2. Roche, L.R. (2012, March 29). Governor Gary Herbert calls sex ed bill he vetoed ‘solution in
search of a problem.’ Retrieved from http://www.deseretnews.com on February 27, 2014.
3. Wood, B. (2012, March 6)
4. Ibid.
5. Utah State Legislature, 2013 General Session. Retrieved from http://le.utah.gov/~2013/
bills/static/SB0039.html on March 5, 2014
6. Comprensive Sexual Health, http://teachers.teachingsexualhealth.ca/teaching-tools/
sexualhealtheducation/
7. Eyre L., & Eyre R. (1998). How to talk to your child about sex: It’s best to start early, but
it’s never too late—a step-by-step guide for every age. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press, p. 1
Introduction
6
8. World Health Organization 2006a http://www.who.int/reproductivehealth/topics/sexual_
health/sh_definitions/en/, February 28, 2014
9. Eyre L., & Eyre R. (1998), p. 4
10.Utah Department of Health, Rape and Sexual Assault, http://health.utah.gov/vipp/
rapeSexualAssault/overview.html, February 27 2014
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
Parents’ Responsibilities
Many parents have concerns about what their responsibility is in
teaching their children about sexuality. One key step is recognizing that
there is a responsibility. Although your children receive some education
through school programs, community efforts, or other areas, such as
family and friends, the amount of teaching and the accuracy of information ranges case by case. The best way for you to know what your child
knows about sexuality is to accept the responsibility of teaching your
child yourself.
Once you recognize the role you play in educating your child about
sexuality, you may feel overwhelmed about the “what” and “how” of this
responsibility. This chapter provides some guidelines about what your responsibility is and later chapters further explain how to go about carrying
out this responsibility.
Here are a few suggestions on how to shoulder this responsibility:
• Share the responsibility to teach your children about
sexuality with your spouse when possible.
• Teach your children by example.
• Be consistent in your behavior.
• Talk and discuss things with your children.
Parents' Responsibilities
8
• Provide a positive emotional climate in your home.
• Share your thoughts and feelings with your children.
• Express your love to your children regularly and
frequently.1
There are many advantages to taking the primary role in educating
your children regarding sexuality. You are generally the individual that
best knows your child. This includes not only their likes and dislikes, but
their history. For example, a child who has been abused sexually would
clearly need to be taught with more sensitivity about sexuality after their
previous experience. Your insight can be a great benefit to helping meet
your child’s needs and recognizing what they already know and what they
would benefit in learning.
Some challenges you might have while educating your child revolve
primarily around feeling unprepared for such duties. You may feel inexperienced at educating about sexuality and unprepared to take on such a
responsibility. The intention of this manual is to provide some tools and
techniques to remove some of these concerns for parents.
The Parents’ Role
You need to provide the guidance and knowledge your children
need to become responsible and happy adults. But you might also be
afraid of talking about sexuality with your children because you might
believe your child is too young or not ready, you don’t know how to
talk to your child about the subject, you have a lack of understanding of
the subject, you feel uncomfortable, your parents didn’t give you a good
example, you worry that talking about sexuality will encourage experimentation, or you are unsure of what your child needs to know or when
they need to know it.
As the parent, you are already teaching your child many things
about sexuality and have been since the day they were born. They learn
from the way they are touched by others, the way their bodies feel to
them, what your family says is okay and not okay to do, the terms that
family members use or don’t use to refer to parts of the body, watching
relationships around them, observing gender roles, watching television,
listening to music, and talking with their friends.
Understanding the value of fulfilling your role as a parent can also
be helpful. A research study in Mexico identified some of the risks related
to early sexual activity for adolescents and being sexually active without
using a condom. The study emphasized the importance of the message
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
9
parents shared with their children, not just the number of times they
addressed the subject. The study showed the effectiveness in decreasing
exposure to sexually transmitted infections and diseases (STIs and STDs)
by encouraging parents to teach their children about delaying sexual activity and informing them about where to access condoms for situations
when they choose to be sexually active.3
You have the power, more than any other person, to know what
is best for your child. Studies and surveys show that parents who are
committed, who make the effort, can have much more influence over
their children than any other factor or force. Parents who commit themselves to ongoing, open communication, who think it through and decide
what they truly believe is best regarding their children and sex—what
is healthiest and happiest for them physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually—and who take the time and find the right tools to
help their children come to the same conclusions are parents who will
not only have the solutions but be the solutions. Of course, a child will
eventually decide for himself, but not to teach them what our experience
(and our heart) tells us is best is a serious form of parental abdication of
responsibility.4
If you fear being a hypocrite, you need to remember that you
should teach your child from your current values, not your past ones. It
is not hypocrisy to teach something you found out by not following the
principle. A common metaphor is smoking. If you smoked in the past,
you might have all the more reason to teach your children not to smoke.
It is not hypocrisy; it is love and experience. Parents give up for different wrong reasons. “I can’t teach abstinence because I didn’t live it. I’d
be a hypocrite to teach my kids something I didn’t do.” Aren’t some of
the most valuable things we teach our children those that we’ve learned
through the kind of experience we hope they won’t repeat?5
As parents, you have special wisdom and insight gained from time
and experience, as well as immeasurable love for you children and understanding of them individually. No other person or organization is as
invested in your children’s wellbeing and happiness as you are. Many
parents will be in the unfortunate position of having to overcome their
own inhibitions and re-educate themselves with a positive perspective of
sexuality before they can teach their children. Do your best to recognize
and remove any embarrassment, shame, discomfort, or even disgust you
may have associated with sexuality. If you dislike sex and think it is dirty
Parents' Responsibilities
10
or evil, your children will sense it. If you are embarrassed talking about
it, they will feel it. Children need their parents to teach with confidence
and conviction, and with a healthy attitude and reverence for sexuality.
Whatever you believe about sex will be subtly communicated in your
teachings.6
References
1. A Parent’s Guide (1985) Retrieved February 28, 2014, from https://www.lds.org/manual/
a-parents-guide/chapter-2-principles-for-teaching-children?lang=eng
2. Sexuality and Disability: Guide for Parents Alberta Health Services (2013). Retrieved
February 28, 2014, from http://teachers.teachingsexualhealth.ca/wp-content/uploads/
Sexual-and-Development-Disablity-Guide-2013.pdf
3. Campero, L., Walker, D., Atienzo, E., Guiterrez, J. (2011). A quasi-experimental evaluation
of parents as sexual health educators resulting in delayed sexual initiation and increased access
to condoms. Journal of adolescence, 34, 215-223.
4. Eyre L., & Eyre R. (1998). How to talk to your child about sex: It’s best to start early, but it’s
never too late—a step-by-step guide for every age. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press.
5. Ibid.
6. Brotherson, L.M. (2004). And they were not ashamed. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
Creating a Safe Environment
How do I talk to my child about sex? How do I start the conversation? How do I know if I am saying too much or too little? These might
be some concerns that are running through your mind. The core to answering many of these questions begins with having a good relationship
with your child.
What is your child’s favorite movie? What music does he or she like?
What are their interests? Likes and dislikes? Having this kind of working
knowledge about your child is called a “love map.”1 When you work on
developing a love map for your child there will be a greater sense of
love and compassion in your relationship and home.2 Also, it has been
observed that children who have good relationships with their parents
are more likely to postpone having sex until later in life when compared
to their peers.3
Developing a good relationship with your child early on will increase compassion and understanding in the relationship. Dr. Gary Chapman discusses how to develop this relationship of love in his book, The Five
Love Languages of Teenagers:The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively2. He explains
that your home should be a place of refuge for your child.Youth are more
likely to feel loved and accepted when they hear words of affirmation and
Creating a Safe Environment
12
receive service, gifts, quality time with parents, and hugs and other appropriate physical affirmations.1 Another way to help you and your child
form a relationship and promote healthy dialogue for important conversations, such as teaching sexuality, is to learn how to use active listening.
Active Listening4
When using active listening, you are giving your child messages or
feedback that lets them know you are hearing and understanding what
they are saying. As the name implies, it means you are actively, not passively, paying attention to the message your child is sending you. It requires more than just hearing.
Signs of Active Listening
Signs of active listening can be noticed both verbally and nonverbally. When you are talking to your child it is important that you use both
verbal and nonverbal skills so that they know you are engaged and care
about what they are saying. Active listening can promote dialogue between you and your child, help your child feel safer to be open with you,
and create more meaningful conversations. Not all signs need to be used
in every conversation. On the other hand, when your child talks to you
it is important to not be distracted and to refrain from fidgeting, looking
at the time, doodling, using electronic devices, continuing to work on a
project, or any other non-verbal signs of not paying attention.
It is easy to fall victim to learning and using non-verbal signs of
active listening while not actually listening to the person. To avoid this be
sure to also use verbal signs.
Non-Verbal Signs of Active Listening
Smile
Smiling is a way to convey that you are paying attention and that you
agree or are happy with the message you are hearing.
Eye Contact
Eye contact is a great way to show you are engaged with your child.
However, eye contact can be intimidating, especially for shyer children.
You need to know your children well enough to know how much eye
contact to use.
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
13
Posture
Your children notice and interpret your body posture when talking.
Leaning forward or backward sends different messages to your child. Be
aware of this and know what message you are trying to send.
Mirroring
Reflection of the facial expressions used by the speaker can be a sign
of active listening. These reflective expressions can help to show sympathy and empathy in more emotional situations.
Verbal Signs of Active Listening
Remembering
Many people have a hard time remembering things from past conversations, but if you can remember a few important details from these
past conversations it can go a long way in your relationship with your
child.
Questioning
Ask relevant questions and make statements that build on or help
clarify what your child has said. Questions that start with “why” can cause
the child to feel interrogated. When talking with your child, try to use
questions that facilitate understanding, such as questions that began with
“what,” “when,” or “how.”
Reflection
Reflecting is repeating or paraphrasing what your child has said in
order to show comprehension. Reflection is a powerful skill that can
reinforce the message and demonstrate understanding.
Clarification
Clarifying involves asking questions to ensure that the correct
message has been received. Clarification usually involves the use of
open-ended questions to help your child expound or clarify anything they
have said.
Summarization
Repeating a summary of what has been said is a technique you can
use to echo what your child has said in your own words. Summarizing involves taking the main points of the message and reiterating them in a logical and clear way, giving your child a chance to correct you if necessary.
Creating a Safe Environment
14
Conclusion
Your child will not always make the choice that is ideal to you. It is
important that they feel loved even if they have made decisions that are
incongruent with your value system. Active listening promotes dialogue
in a safe environment where your child can feel empowered and is given
the time to openly discuss their thoughts and feelings. “A loving home is
the best place for children to learn…If parents are safe, trustworthy, and
loving in their interactions, children will be more receptive to their parents’ questions and teachings.”5 With an open dialogue, you will be more
capable of teaching important topics like sexuality to your child.
References
1. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New
York: Crown Publishers.
2. Chapman, G. D. (2010). The Five Love Languages of Teenagers: The Secret to Loving Teens
Effectively. Moody Publishers.
3. Manlove, J., Wildsmith, E., Ikramullah, E., Terry-Humen, E., & Schelar, E. (2012). Family
environments and the relationship context of first adolescent sex: Correlates of first sex in a
casual versus steady relationship. Social science research, 41(4), 861-875.
4. Active Listening (2011). Retrieved February 24, 2014, from http://www.skillsyouneed.
com/ips/active-listening.html
5. Brotherson, L.M. (2004). And they were not ashamed. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
Pre-Adolescent
Childhood and preadolescence are crucial stages for your child.
During these periods, they undergo significant changes that impact their
sexuality. They undergo growth physically, mentally, emotionally, and
morally. This time period is perfect for pre-emptive teaching because
children have not yet hit puberty. For these reasons, we decided to have
an entire chapter dedicated to teaching sexuality to your children when
they are in the childhood and preadolescent stages of life.
Why so early?
Both researchers and professionals agree that parents who want to
teach sex education effectively should do so early. Several researchers
stated:
Adolescents are initiating sexual intercourse at extremely young ages.
To delay early sexual activity and prevent adolescent pregnancy, prevention efforts must begin during the elementary school years and include those who raise and care for the adolescent. Results from this research conducted with fifth graders and their parents in Washington,
DC support the recent concern that children are beginning to engage
in sexual and other risk-taking behaviors at alarmingly young ages.1
Pre-Adolescent
16
Regarding sex education, researchers stated that “parental involvement is especially important during late childhood and early adolescence.”2 Another group of researchers stated that “formal sex education
may effectively reduce adolescent sexual risk behaviors when provided
before sexual initiation.”3 Laura Brotherson, CFLE, stated:
The earlier you hold age-appropriate discussions about sexuality and
the body in a respectful and confident manner, the less likely children
are to feel uncomfortable with such discussions. Children only learn to
feel discomfort and embarrassment from those around them.4
Accordingly, starting early seems to be the best choice.
As we discuss how to teach sexuality during these stages, notice
three overarching principles that will best help you to teach sexuality to
your children:
1.Have a positive perspective of sexuality.
2.Have multiple discussions with your child about
sexuality.
3.Cover a broad range of topics during these years.
Positive Perspective
Professionals indicate that the best way to approach sexual education during childhood and preadolescence is to have a positive attitude
towards sexuality. This maximizes your child’s positive, healthy beliefs
and attitudes towards sexuality and minimizes your child’s negative, unhealthy beliefs about sexuality. This means the best way to teach about
sexuality in these stages is to emphasize the positive, while still covering
the necessary warnings that should not be left out. Linda and Richard
Eyre, authors of multiple parenting books, state that “the single greatest protection for kids (and the strongest motivation for avoiding early,
dangerous sex) is to grow up thinking of sex as a wonderful, spectacular
miracle that not only makes babies but also can bind couples and families together in a loyal, happy way.”5 They also say that “parents who
do talk to their kids about sex often do so in a context of fear, danger,
and warning, which prompts rebellion and experimentation in some kids
and negative, joy-robbing inhibitions in others.”6 Laura Brotherson adds
that “reverence, respect, and responsibility are crucial components of a
positive sex education. Sexual information must emphasize the positive
impact... rather than over-emphasizing the negative consequences of disobedience. If we focus on the negatives, we will get more negatives in
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
17
return. Sex education must not convey an ominous feeling of lurking
evil and impending doom. When we focus on the positive, we get more
positive outcomes.”7
Key Questions
What are your values as parents?
Family values can be influenced by many factors, such as life experiences, traditions, religious beliefs, and education. It is important for
you to reevaluate your values and beliefs often. There are many different
views and ideas about the “right way” to teach sexuality to children. With
so many views and opinions it is helpful to know about the one that matters most – yours! As with any type of information, you should consider
your personal and family values when teaching about sexuality to ensure
that your teaching fits in with your own values. The information that you
give your child will make more sense to them and be more comfortable
if it is within a context that they understand and live by. The parent-child
relationship is one of the biggest protective factors of adolescent sexuality, so having clear and comfortable communication will only enhance the
teaching moment.17
Given the child’s sex, should mom, dad, or both have the conversations?
Talking about sex can be uncomfortable for both you and your
child. This discomfort can be so overbearing that a parent may never talk
to their child about any sexual topic, having the assumption that sexual
education will occur elsewhere. Although a child will benefit from either
parent discussing sexual education with them, child gender and parent
gender can influence the effectiveness of the talk. In general, fathers appear to struggle with discussing sexual topics more than mothers. Parents
of daughters are more likely to talk more in-depth about sexual topics
concerning potential consequences of sex.18
You need to be aware of gender biases that you may have regarding perceived sexual behaviors and share age-appropriate information
equally with both your sons and daughters. In dual-parent families, both
you and your spouse can discuss what information you believe should be
given to your child and what values you want to emphasize in regards to
sex prior to having the talk with your child.You can decide which of you
would feel more comfortable talking and you can even consider giving
the talk together to promote openness regarding future sex talks. It is
Pre-Adolescent
18
usually easier for the parent who has the stronger parent-child relationship to talk to their child about sex.19 If you appear to be uncomfortable
during the conversation, your child will most likely be uncomfortable as
well. You need to address any personal barriers that they may have that
would possibly hinder the productiveness and comfort of the discussion
with your child prior to talking with them. Such barriers may include believing your child is too young, not knowing how to approach your child,
or your own sexual experiences.20
Parents who have good relationships with their children and who
are able to talk to their children about sexuality at a young age find that
they are more aware of their child’s sexual development and beliefs
throughout their growing stages.
Multiple Discussions with Repetition
By having multiple discussions with your child, repeating topics as
you go, you develop a better line of communication with your children
regarding sexual topics. It is also important to talk about many topics related to sexuality because the breadth of topics helps foster open communication as well. Several researchers found that “adolescents whose sexual
communication with their parents involved more repetition felt closer to
their parents, felt more able to communicate with their parents in general and about sex specifically, and perceived that discussions with their
parents about sex occurred with greater openness than did adolescents
whose sexual communication with their parents included less repetition.
Breadth of communication was associated only with the perceived ease
of parent-adolescent sexual communication: adolescents who discussed
more new topics with their parents... felt that their sexual discussions
occurred with greater openness than did adolescents who discussed fewer topics.”8 The study concludes saying that “clinicians may want to advise
parents about the value of discussing sexual topics repeatedly with their
children, because this may provide parents an opportunity to reinforce
and build on what they have taught their children and provide children
the opportunity to ask clarifying questions as they attempt to put their
parents’ sexual education into practice.”9
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
19
Childhood Environment
Reminder
The information in this chapter is a set of guidelines. Adapt them to
your child’s age, maturity level, needs, and your specific situation.
The Home
Younger children often learn by the example of older siblings. Older siblings may discuss topics with your younger children that you do not
consider to be age-appropriate for your younger child to learn about.
You can monitor the interactions between your children and step in when
needed to address previous conversations between siblings that you consider to be inappropriate.
Media
Children are being exposed to and using technology at younger ages. In addition to exposure at home, elementary schools generally
teach computer classes and children are required to use the internet for
homework at young ages. As such, the age of first exposure to pornography continues to decrease. Currently, the average age of first exposure to
pornography is 11 years old.14 This includes different exposure intensities
as well as unwanted and sought after exposures.
In addition, children are more likely to have access to personal cell
phones, social media accounts, game sites with virtual worlds, and video
sites. Many of these resources lack privacy and security for users and have
tools such as enabled commenting and links to other websites which can
be dangerous for inexperienced users.15
Parents need to be aware of their values and beliefs concerning pornography and media use. See chapter eight for more information about
how to talk to your child about pornography, increasing media safety, and
other media outlets to be aware of.
Language
By the time children start school they know about 30 to 40 potentially offensive words.13 Children learn words from a variety of contexts
such as from home, peers, and media. You must decide what words you
consider to be acceptable and teach your children according to the rules
and values of your family.
Pre-Adolescent
20
As children hear and mimic swear words, they do not always know
the meaning behind the words that they say. This can be especially true
concerning sexually offensive words. Children who use these words may
benefit from understanding the meaning of the words they are using and
the possible consequences that using these words towards their peers may
have on their relationships, as other’s feelings might be hurt.
When helping your child understand the meaning and effects of
their language you can consider the following:
• Calmly explain to your child your view on swearing and
your disapproval of rehearing the swearing.
• Explain to your child what the sexually offensive word
really means and how it may be hurtful towards others.
Even in cases in which young children use words that
they do not understand, explain to them in simple language what the term means. Parents do not have to give
an excessive amount of information.
• Suggest other ways of expressing and communicating
feelings of anger or frustration that would not offend
others.
Ages 3 to 5
As your child approaches ages three to five, they are presented with
new environments and opportunities to learn. At this time, your child
may attend preschool or start kindergarten.Your child will learn how to
develop friendships and spends the majority of their time with peers their
age. Your child will continue to learn by the examples set by you, their
teachers, and their peers.
Psychologist Eliana Gil, Ph.D found that expected sexual behaviors
of children this age include:10
• Children find that touching or rubbing their genitals
produces pleasurable sensations and touch themselves
randomly.
• Children show their genitals to others.
• Children are curious about their bodies, and may want
to touch or see other people’s bodies.
• Children are fascinated with bodily functions and with
language related to bodily functions (especially during
the toilet-training phase).
• Children like playing “doctor” or “making babies” games.
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
21
• Children may become fascinated with sexual language
and may want to observe others nude or in the bathroom, or they may want to be seen nude.
• In their own play, children often repeat what they have
seen (for example, “mommy” and “daddy” dolls kissing
or arguing).
• Children may experiment with putting fingers or small
objects inside their genital openings. (This behavior usually stops since it tends to hurt.)
Preschoolers typically choose to play with peers of their own sex
during one-on-one play, but have many opportunities to watch and observe any children around them.11 As children watch others they often
copy the learned behaviors and speech. This is a way for children to learn
social norms, build friendships, and relate to other children. Children
learn to relate to others by:12
• Being able to express their needs and feelings
• Managing their feelings appropriately
• Taking turns
• Listening to others
You can help your child process and practice appropriate interactions with others in your home that is based upon your family’s value
system. This will help foster an environment of safety, self-confidence,
love, and comfort.
Ages 6 to 8
Interest and views of sexuality changes from age six to eight. Children in this age group begin to:29,30
• Adhere to gender roles (e.g. girls want to wear make-up)
• Mimic dating behaviors, such as kissing and holding
hands
• Tell “dirty” jokes
• Masturbate for pleasure by purposely touching private
parts
During these ages, children are more likely to engage in sexual behavior in private because they are more aware of what is socially acceptable and what is not.31
You have a great opportunity to discuss sexual topics because your
young child will often ask questions regarding intimate behaviors and
body parts.32 However, your child will become less open about sex in
Pre-Adolescent
22
later years as their knowledge begins to mature and increase due to their
discussions with peers, literature, and the media.33 You can encourage
healthy sexual development and open up lines of communication for later
discussions by talking about sexuality with your young children. Some
sources encourage parents to:34,35
• Use the accurate names for boys and girls genitalia (e.g.
penis, vagina, breasts).
• Explain the basics about pregnancy, such as how babies
are born and reproduction
• Discuss the differences between males and females
• Explain bodily functions
It is helpful to discuss physical changes that happen when a person
goes through puberty, as well as privacy (what is not appropriate to do
in public).36 Other sources suggest that parents avoid from over-reacting
when encountering their child’s sexual behavior.37 You can encourage
positive sexual development by simply stopping the behavior and explaining (in a calm manner) why it is inappropriate, avoid punishing the
child, and redirecting your child’s play such as introducing a new activity.38 By distracting them instead of scolding them, you can avoid having
your child feel shame regarding the behavior.
Also, you can help ensure your child’s safety by informing them
about the dangers of sexual abuse. This includes telling their children
that it is okay to say “no” to an adult or stranger, explaining the difference
between go touches (appropriate touches, such as a hug, handshake, etc.)
and stop touches (inappropriate touches), what sexual abuse means, and
that sexual abuse is not a child’s fault.39,40 Parents must be vigilant about
what type of sexual behavior is normal and recognizing when it is not
normal.
Some behaviors are problematic, such as:41
• Preoccupation with only sexual play (avoiding other
types of play)
• Sexual play with those much younger or older
• Having a more mature knowledge of sex
• Trying to engage in adult sexual activities with others
or animals
• Not respecting others rights and boundaries
• Participating in sexual acts that causes others (or themselves) to experience negative experiences
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
23
Such behaviors are concerning and should be addressed as soon as
possible. Please refer to chapter seven of the manual for more information on sexual abuse.
“The Talk”
For years, the first full conversation with your child about sexual intercourse has been referred to as “the talk”. This is an ironic title because
the best way to have the talk is through multiple, repeated conversations.
But because the first time you talk to your child about sexual intercourse
is a milestone event, we are keeping the name. But remember that the
talk is the first of many conversations about sex.
The talk has three general steps to it. The first step is your personal preparation as parents. The second step is carrying out your plans by
having an effective conversation about sexuality. The third step is to use
the talk as a springboard for future conversations, thus continuing the
dialogue between you and your child. But before we get into those three
steps, it is beneficial to know why the age of eight was selected as the
standard. (Remember, you can adjust this to meet your child’s needs.)
Why at age eight?
Many professionals find agreement that age eight is a good baseline
age for when a parent should talk to their child about sex. The reasons
vary but the most common argument is that this age is generally one
where children have the ideal characteristics to listen to their parents.
Below are more specific explanations for the age of eight, but keep in
mind that these are general results and each parent should assess their
own child’s age and understanding as situations vary.
Linda and Richard Eyre contributes to this discussion by saying,
“eight-year-old children (some are ready as early as seven) are the most
open, natural, curious, positive, impressionable, and appreciative – and
the least cynical or embarrassed. This is the best time for the big talk...”42
They also say, “We feel that the peak of a child’s readiness is at age eight,
when he or she is very verbal and conceptual and is flattered by responsibility and by being treated as a ‘grown up.’ This age is like a marvelous window. They are old enough to understand but not old enough to
be permanently embarrassed or closed off or to have a lot of preconceptions.”43 Laura Brotherson adds, “When children are young, they are
more teachable and willing to listen.”44 By teaching your child at this age,
you will be able to experience greater success than most other ages.
Pre-Adolescent
24
Preparing for The Talk
Here are several suggestions for preparing to have the talk:45,46
• Overcome personal barriers, such as embarrassment,
lack of knowledge, and fear
• Remove your own negative beliefs and inhibitions about
sex
• Educate yourself about sexuality
• Have open and healthy discussions about sex with your
spouse or loved one
• Prepare a discussion outline
• Practice having the talk beforehand (possibly with a
loved one, such as a spouse)
• Build your relationship with your child
• Build excitement and positive anticipation (build it up in
child’s mind over weeks before)
• Plan (a place with privacy, minimal interruptions, dinner location, activity after, etc.)
As you find ways to accomplish these tasks, you will find that you
are more prepared to talk about sex with your children.
Having The Talk
Here are several suggestions about having the talk:47,48
• Meet their emotional needs first
• Make it a special occasion (fancy dinner or restaurant)
• Schedule it to be one-on-one time with a parent
• Dialogue, don’t lecture (make it a two-way conversation)
• Teach correct behavior (emphasize what to do instead of
what not to do)
• Focus on positive consequences
• Teach by example (have a healthy acceptance and respect
for your own sexuality)
• Make your child feel important and special
• Express how much you love your child
• Ask questions to find what your child’s level of understanding is (ask excitedly, not quizzically)
• Emphasize how awesome the process of sex is
• Direct them to you if they have questions in the future
• Use age-appropriate books to help
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
25
Here are suggestions on what topics to cover:49,50
• Families
• Gender
• Circumcision
• Love
• Pornography
• Risky sexual behavior
• Care for our bodies (hygiene, sleep, etc.)
• Protections from abuse
• Respect your own body
• Refer to future discussions
• Metaphors of amazing things (compared to the amazing
act of sex)
• Pregnancy
• Anatomy
• Process of sex
• Mention more talks are to come, perhaps even by mentioning the next topic
• Mention that their peers, the media, etc. will all present
sex in different light
• Various terms for anatomical parts and acts of sex
• STDs
“The best way to keep a discussion going, to keep the interest and
energy level high, and to make it a positive experience for your child is to
give abundant praise for every good or well-intended answer”.51
Following-up after The Talk
The two main purposes of the talk are to provide sexual education
in an impactful conversation and to set precedence for follow-up conversations about sexuality. These follow-up discussions build off of what was
discussed in the talk and keep the communication lines open between you
and your child.
Here is some advice on how to conduct the follow-up discussions
and what to talk about during them.52
• Ask if they’ve had any thoughts since the talk or any follow-up discussions
• Ask how they’re feeling about what has been discussed
in these discussions
Pre-Adolescent
26
• Validate and normalize emotions that are natural for
children to have
• Ask if any peers have said or done anything related to
topics discussed
• Ask if they have encountered anything in any media
form regarding what has been discussed
• Connect sexuality to the values you hold close (family,
loyalty, safety, commitment, etc.)
• If they give one word answers, ask them to elaborate
If you make sure to have follow-up discussions, the communication
line between you and your child will remain strong and you will be able
to discuss sexual topics with them as your child matures further.
Ages 9 to 13
Biological Development
Puberty is the transition into adulthood where secondary sexual
characteristics (breasts, hips, facial hair, etc.) and genitals begin to develop, in addition to skeletal growth.53 Girls begin to experience puberty
around the ages of 10 to 11 while boys start at the age of 11 to 12.54,55
During the onset of puberty, males experience testicular growth as well
as the emergence of pubic hair.56,57 There is also a growth of body and facial hair, noticeable change in voice and an increase of strength and muscle mass.58,59 Females experience the enlargement of the breasts, growth
of pubic hair, and skeletal growth when pubescent.60,61 Sexual maturation
also results in the beginning of menstruation, where the body sheds the
outer lining of the uterine wall that has built up during the menstrual
cycle.62
Puberty marks a time of significant change in the human body.
These changes can potentially be stressful or frightening to a young
person who does not understand what they are going through. You can
certainly influence how your child will experience the changes in their
body. Start talking to your children about puberty early so they can be
prepared for what will happen.63 Creating a safe environment where you
and your child can talk about the basic facts of puberty and the emotional
and sexual changes that occur can be very beneficial.64,65 It is also helpful
to normalize puberty and assure your child that everyone goes through
these changes.66
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
27
Continuing The Talk
By age eight, children should have a general knowledge of correct
terminology for body parts, expectant changes of their bodies, and basic
information concerning reproduction.You should nurture your relationship with your child in other parts of your life by spending family time
together and having positive one-on-one time so that they will feel more
comfortable and it will be more natural to continue the talk when questions or experience arise.
You can build upon previous information by adding more age-appropriate details as your child grows older. It is also beneficial for you
to be aware of your child’s physical development to anticipate their next
stage and help relieve any fears or confusion that they might experience.67
When media has sexual content or references are made, you can
take the opportunity to talk with your child about their feelings and understanding of the shows, commercials, or music that they watch and
hear.68
Peer Influences
You can become acquainted with your child’s friends and their
friend’s parents. By doing so, you will be more familiar with the value
system of your child’s friends, which may influence the relationship your
child has with that peer. As your child comes across differing value systems, you can help them understand the differences while still abiding by
their own family values. Also, parents who know their children’s friends
have an easier time learning about the everyday events and interactions
that their child experiences because they feel more comfortable talking
to their parent about what they did that day. This allows parents to talk to
their child about any changes or confusing sexual topics that they might
have experienced or overheard.
Masturbation
Masturbation during the late pre-adolescent stage is a large part of
sexual development. Depending on a person’s views, masturbation may
or may not be an appropriate behavior. Modern scientific beliefs suggest
that masturbation is normal and potentially healthy.69,70 However, many
people and some religious institutions assert that masturbation can be
detrimental. You should consider your personal beliefs about masturbating and teach your child accordingly. If you are comfortable with your
child masturbating, you should explain that the behavior is normal and
Pre-Adolescent
28
should be done in a private setting. If you are not comfortable with masturbation, you should help your child understand what it is and use your
own beliefs, opinions, and values to explain why you are not comfortable
with it. You should avoid sounding judgmental or scolding when talking
to your child about masturbatory behaviors. Being appropriately open,
honest, and non-judgmental when discussing these potentially awkward
subjects will likely help your child feel more comfortable.
71
Sexual orientation
Children may begin to ask questions regarding same-sex attraction
during their pre-adolescent years.72 These questions may result from media exposure, talking to their peers, seeing a same-sex couple, etc. Like
with other sexual topics, you should teach according to your values in a
loving and respectful manner. It is helpful for you to be honest and open
about any sexual topic.73 For more on same-sex attraction, please refer
to chapter six.
Conclusion
Discussion about sexual topics is imperative during the pre-adolescent stage.Through many different avenues, children are constantly being
exposed to sexuality. This may be disturbing for parents who believe that
children should be unaware of such serious topics. However, learning
about sex through distrustful sources may impair a child’s healthy sexual
development and create future problems. Talking about sex and teaching
according to personal values can help a child navigate through a highly
sexual society.
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6. Brotherson, L.M. (2004). And they were not ashamed. Boise, ID: Inspire Book. (p. 295)
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8. Ibid.
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9. Eyre L., & Eyre R. (1998). How to talk to your child about sex: It’s best to start early, but
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Schroeder (Eds.), Encyclopedia of clinical child and pediatric psychology (pp. 589–591). New
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Pre-Adolescent
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29.The Children’s Assessment Center in Grand Rapids Michigan. (n.d.). Children’s sexual
behavior and body safety: A guide for parents. Retrieved from www.mivoice4kids.org/
Resources/Documents/Child-Sexual-Behavior.pdf
30.National Sexual Violence Resource Center, (2013). An overview of healthy childhood
sexual development. Retrieved from http://nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/saam_2013_anoverview-of-healthy-childhood-sexual-development.pdf
31.Harborview Center for Sexual Assault & Traumatic Stress, (n.d.). Sexual behavior and
children: When is it a problem and what to do about it. Retrieved from: https://depts.
washington.edu/hcsats/PDF/infobrochures/sexual_behavior.pdf
32.Campbell, C., Ashwini, M., Wisniewski, A. B., & Silovsky, J. F. (2013). Sexual behavior
of prepubertal children. In D. Bromberg & W. O’Donohue (Eds.),Handbook of child and
adolescent sexuality: Developmental and forensic psychology (pp. 145-170). Retrieved from
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33.Ibid.
34.National Sexual Violence Resource Center, (2013). An overview of healthy childhood
sexual development. Retrieved from http://nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/saam_2013_anoverview-of-healthy-childhood-sexual-development.pdf
35.National Guidelines Task Force. (2004). Guidelines for comprehensive sexuality education:
Kindergarten-12th grade, 3rd edition. New York, NY: Sexuality Information and Education
Council of the United States. Retrieved March 1, 2009, from http://www.siecus.org/_data/
global/images/guidelines.pdf
36.National Sexual Violence Resource Center, (2013). An overview of healthy childhood
sexual development. Retrieved from http://nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/saam_2013_anoverview-of-healthy-childhood-sexual-development.pdf
37.The Children’s Assessment Center in Grand Rapids Michigan. (n.d.). Children’s sexual
behavior and body safety: A guide for parents. Retrieved from www.mivoice4kids.org/
Resources/Documents/Child-Sexual-Behavior.pdf
38.Ibid.
39.National Guidelines Task Force. (2004). Guidelines for comprehensive sexuality education:
Kindergarten-12th grade, 3rd edition. New York, NY: Sexuality Information and Education
Council of the United States. Retrieved March 1, 2009, from http://www.siecus.org/_data/
global/images/guidelines.pdf
40.National Sexual Violence Resource Center, (2013). An overview of healthy childhood
sexual development. Retrieved from http://nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/saam_2013_anoverview-of-healthy-childhood-sexual-development.pdf
41.Rich, P. MN Adopt, (n.d.). Recognizing healthy and unhealthy sexual development in children.
Retrieved from http://www.mnadopt.org/Factsheets/Recognizing Healthy & Unhealthy
Sexual Development in Children.pdf
42.Eyre L., & Eyre R. (1998). How to talk to your child about sex: It’s best to start early, but it’s
never too late—a step-by-step guide for every age. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press. (p. 20)
43.Ibid.
44.Brotherson, L.M. (2004). And they were not ashamed. Boise, ID: Inspire Book. (p. 323)
45.Ibid.
46.Eyre L., & Eyre R. (1998). How to talk to your child about sex: It’s best to start early, but it’s
never too late—a step-by-step guide for every age. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press.
47.Brotherson, L.M. (2004). And they were not ashamed. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
48.Eyre L., & Eyre R. (1998). How to talk to your child about sex: It’s best to start early, but it’s
never too late—a step-by-step guide for every age. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press.
49.Brotherson, L.M. (2004). And they were not ashamed. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
50.Eyre L., & Eyre R. (1998). How to talk to your child about sex: It’s best to start early, but it’s
never too late—a step-by-step guide for every age. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press.
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
31
51.Ibid. (page 24)
52.Ibid.
53.Aranoff, G. S., & Bell, J. J. (2004). Sexual development, growth and puberty in children.
In M. Legato (Ed.),Principles of gender specific medicine (Vol. 1, pp. 18-34). Elsevier/
Academic Press.
54.Deanna, A. (2011, April 13). When is puberty too early?. Retrieved from http://www.
dukehealth.org/health_library/advice_from_doctors/your_childs_health/when-ispuberty-too-early
55.Parents and teachers: Teen growth & development, years 11 to 14. (2001). Retrieved from
http://www.pamf.org/parenting-teens/health/growth-development/pre-growth.html
56.Ibid.
57.Puberty: Changes for males. (2013). Retrieved from http://www.pamf.org/teen/health/
puberty/physicalchanges.html
58.Ibid.
59.Aranoff, G. S., & Bell, J. J. (2004). Sexual development.
60.Ibid.
61.Puberty: Changes for females. (2013). Retrieved from http://www.pamf.org/teen/health/
puberty/girlschanges.html
62.Aranoff, G. S., & Bell, J. J. (2004). Sexual development, growth and puberty in children.
In M. Legato (Ed.),Principles of gender specific medicine (Vol. 1, pp. 18-34). Elsevier/
Academic Press.
63. Talking to your child about puberty. (2012). Retrieved from http://kidshealth.org/parent/
growth/growing/talk_about_puberty.html
64. Ibid.
65.Puberty 101 for parents. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.plannedparenthood.org/
parents/puberty-101-parents-22999.htm
66.Talking to your child about puberty. (2012). Retrieved from http://kidshealth.org/parent/
growth/growing/talk_about_puberty.html
67.Children Now. (2013). Talking with kids about tough issues: Sex and Relationships. Retrieved
from http://www.childrennow.org/index.php/learn/twk_sex
68.Schurgin O ‘Keeffe, G. & Clark-Pearson, K. (2011). The impact of social media on children,
adolescents, and families. Pediatrics, 127(4), 800-805.
69.Coleman, E. (2002). Masturbation as a means of achieving sexual health. In W. O. Bockting, &
E. Coleman (Eds.), Masturbation as a means of achieving sexual health(pp. 5–16). New York,
NY: The Haworth Press.
70.Leitenberg, H., Detzer, M. J., & Srebnik, D. (1993). Gender differences in masturbation
and the relation of masturbation experience in pre adolescence and/ or early adolescence to
sexual behavior and sexual adjustment in young adulthood. Archives of Sexual Behaivor, 22,
87–98.
71.Coleman, H., & Charles, G. (2009). Sexual Development and Behavior in Children. Retrieved
from http://hss.state.ak.us/ocs/Publications/pdf/sexualdevelop-children.pdf
72.Ponton, L. (n.d.). What does gay mean?: How to talk with kids about sexual orientation and
prejudice . Retrieved from http://www.umass.edu/stonewall/uploads/listWidget/27374/
whatDoesGayMean.pdf
73.Ibid.
Pre-Adolescent
32
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
Adolescence
Adolescence is a transitional period of human life from childhood to
adulthood, generally between the ages of 13 to 19, but may occur as early
as 8 for some females and 10 for some males. It is characterized by an
increased awareness and valuing of peer groups and external appearance.
Independence and identity are of prominent importance during this stage
of life and disorientation (the challenging of preconceived notions) and
discovery (learning) are common as a result of increased abstract thinking, including beliefs, knowledge and values related to sexuality.
Factors
During this time of disorientation, discovery, and abstract thinking,
children acquire conceptions and values related to sexuality, for better or
worse, from every external (environmental) and internal (physiological
and psychological) factor they are exposed to, including those beyond
the view of parents. The more significant factors include (1) physiological developments (puberty), (2) family dynamics, and (3) society: peers,
superiors, and media.
Adolescence
34
Physiological Development
Some studies indicate that for many adolescent males and females,
the primary reason for engaging in their intentional sexual experience
was curiosity and feeling ready for sex.1 Such curiosity and feelings of
readiness are largely influenced by physiological and sexual maturity during puberty. Puberty in both males and females is triggered by
gradually increasing production of hormones by the hypothalamus and
pituitary glands of the brain. Levels of estrogen and progesterone in the
female and testosterone and other androgens in the male are increased.
While each individual has his or her own body clock, youths have been
known to experience this increase in hormones and stronger sexual desire as early as age 8 for females and age 10 for males.1
It is vital that parents are aware of the changes that occur during
puberty, including the increased desire for sexual activity that they bring.
As parents, it is your responsibility to not only teach your teens that they
are responsible for themselves and their relationships with others, but it
is also your responsibility to model healthy sexuality.1
Family Dynamics
It is through the family that children first acquire their beliefs and
values related to sexuality. These beliefs and values are acquired not only
by instruction, but also through modeling family dynamics. General family conflict, marital disruption, parental promiscuity, parental approval of teenage intercourse, teens living in single-parent or reconstituted
families, parents ‘lack of education, lack of parental supervision, and any
form of abuse, such as neglect, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse are all family dynamics that have been shown to predispose
young adolescents to engage in premature sexual intercourse1. Moreover, studies show that teens experiencing these family dynamics imitate
risky behaviors learned from promiscuous family members and seek to
meet their unmet needs for acceptance, companionship, love, caring, or
warmth, without considering long or short-term consequences1. Parents
should be vigilant of family dynamics that predict teen sex and be prepared to teach and model family values on sexuality.
Society
Peers and Superiors
As young adults mature, they tend to move away from family influences and strive for independence and peer acceptance. It is this desire
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
35
for independence and acceptance that makes peer influence particularly
strong. Adolescents beliefs, values and behaviors related to sexuality are
directly influenced by the peer group to which they belong. Peers tend
to influence each other through imitating each other’s behaviors because
they want to fit-in, be accepted, avoid rejection, or show affection for
their partner. Further, your teen’s perception of his or her peer group
also heavily influences his or her choices. For example, if your teen believes that all their friends are having sex, they may choose to imitate this
behavior to be more like his or her friends or to be accepted or praised
by them.
Parents ought to discuss with their teens the ways peer influence
can not only influences poor sexual decisions but also help them make
good sexual decisions. Parents should advise their teens to associate with
peers who have values and goals similar to their own, and encourage their
teens to develop refusal skills to avoid choices or behaviors that are not
desired or consistent with their values1.
Adolescents are significantly influenced by their authority figures
for the same reasons they are influenced by their peers: fitting-in, seeking acceptance, avoiding rejection, or showing affection for them. Teens
often look up to and emulate authority figures from a variety of settings
(e.g. school, employment, religious institutions, and government or political entities, etc.). They may also assume the values these authority
figures have regarding sexuality to be objective and true1. With this in
mind, it is important to be aware of the sexual education and messages
your teen is getting from others and be prepared to re-educate your teen
if these messages are not consistent with your family values1.
Media
Sexually explicit or suggestive images (i.e., dress, body movements)
and sounds (e.g. language, lyrics, sound effects) that you consider to be
inappropriate or wrong may be portrayed by the media as appropriate,
right, liberating and healthy. Similarly, the long-term consequences of
sex are absent among many media messages about sexuality. These media
messages are not realistic, yet may have a direct impact on an adolescent’s
ability to make responsible decisions about sexuality.1 Further, sex acts
that you may hold to be unlawful or unholy (e.g. rape, pornography, incest or abuse, and extramarital sexual relations) are often made to appear
common and without consequence by the media. These sexually explicit
or suggestive messages are intentionally and widely displayed through a
Adolescence
36
vast array of medians (e.g. television shows, radio, movies, music, and
advertisements) with the purpose of enticing your teen and promoting
their agenda, whether the agenda is to purchase their goods and services
or to simply buy into their value systems.
Parents are encouraged to discuss the impact of the media on one’s
perception of what is normal and acceptable, in terms of sexuality. It is
important that you inform your teen that the views expressed in the media do not necessarily correspond with your family values.
If you are not teaching your teen about sexuality during these volatile years of disorientation, discovery, and abstract thinking, someone
or something else will. Though nothing can be done to entirely prevent
your teen from learning things about sexuality that do not correspond
with your family’s value system, steps can be taken to prevent the uncritical acceptance of such messages about sexuality.
Sexual Behavior During Adolescence
Adolescence is a period of sexual exploration, a time when teenagers increasingly experiment with self-stimulation and partner-shared
stimulation. It is important to acknowledge and be aware of the various
sexual behaviors that your child will learn about and possibly engage in
during these adolescent years.
Masturbation
Many teen’s first sexual encounter is that of masturbation, the sexual stimulation of one’s own genitals typically using the hands, fingers,
or everyday objects. Masturbation is a common sexual expression that
increases in frequency during the teenage years. It may serve as a form
of sexual expression, release sexual tension, or provide an avenue for
learning about one’s body or increasing self-knowledge about one’s sexual potential. By the end of adolescence, nearly all males and approximately three out of four females have masturbated.2,3 You may hear teens
use various slang terms to describe this behavior: jacking off, jerking off,
getting off, beating the meat, or fingering one’s self.
Pornography
Masturbation may or may not be accompanied by the use of pornography. The average age of first exposure to pornography is 11 years
old. In the United States, 90% of teenagers have seen internet porn by
age 16.4 Pornography can be harmful because some adolescents come
to believe that what they see is a normal sexual interaction, and males
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
37
and females become more critical of a woman’s body.5 One study found
that teenagers who regarded themselves as independent from their environment, especially parents, used pornography more frequently.6 It is
assumed that higher levels of pornography consumption are correlated
with younger ages of first oral sex and sexual intercourse experiences, as
well as an increased variety of sexual activities.6,7
Mutual Manual Stimulation
As adolescents begin to participate in romantic, or even casual sexual relationships during their teenage years, they will typically begin with
kissing, “making out”, and then mutual manual stimulation with one’s
partner. This means stimulating the breasts or genitalia of one’s partner,
typically until the point of orgasm. Many of the same slang terms used
for masturbation are also used in this context yet refer to performing the
action to another person. Manual stimulation of a male by another person
is commonly referred to as a “hand job”; manual stimulation of a female
by another person is often referred to as “fingering.” Any kind of manual
stimulation of another’s body may be considered “second base.”
Oral Sex
One of the most noteworthy changes in the pattern of adolescent
sexual behaviors involves oral sex, the stimulation of another’s genitals
using one’s mouth (lips, tongue, or teeth). The incidence of oral-genital
stimulation among teens has dramatically risen8,9 and a national survey
in 2006 reported that more than half of adolescents had engaged in oral
sex.10 Oral sex can be very risky behavior because many teenagers consider it significantly less risky than penile-vaginal intercourse regarding
health, social, and emotional consequences.8,11,27,28 However, teenagers
tend to be less informed and aware of the potential health risks accompanying oral sex, such as sexually transmitted infections. Adolescents may
refer to this behavior as blow jobs, BJs, going down, third base, eating
out, or giving head.
Sexual Intercourse
For purposes of this manual, we will define sexual intercourse as
the insertion of a male’s penis into a female’s vagina for sexual pleasure
or reproduction. Even though many teenagers have not participated in
sexual intercourse, data from various studies indicate that there has been
a trend over the last few decades in experiencing first sexual intercourse
experience at an earlier age in both sexes, consistent across a diverse
Adolescence
38
range of ethnicities.
In 2011, 47.4% of U.S. high school students
reported ever having sexual intercourse; about a quarter of students had
sex within the last month.10 In 2007, about one half of 11th and 12th
graders reported being currently sexually active.10
Teens may refer to sex as a home run, going all the way, hitting it,
doing the nasty, getting laid, or getting lucky, among many more slang
terms. Recently, a trend called “floating” has arisen among teenagers
which still involves insertion of the male’s penis into the female’s vagina,
but without the back and forth thrusting. Adolescents may believe that
this act is not sexual intercourse so they can maintain their virginity, values, parental expectations, or religious beliefs.
12,13
Anal Sex
While there is little research or evidence on the prevalence of anal
sex participation specifically with teens, it is believed that rates are increasing in adolescent anal sex. This refers to the penetration of the male
penis into another person’s anus. Teenagers may believe that anal sex involves less risk and health concerns because it is highly unlikely to result in pregnancy. However, anal sex is extremely risky sexual behavior.
Various intestinal infections, hepatitis, and a variety of sexually transmitted infections and diseases can be contracted or spread through anal
intercourse.14 Anal intercourse is one of the most risky sexual behaviors
in contracting HIV, particularly for women. Anal intercourse may be referred to as going in the back door, the trap door, butt darts, or the “rusty
trombone.”
We presented this information to you so that you can be aware of
the sexual activities and behaviors that many teenagers today are participating in. It is up to your own discretion as parents to choose what and
how you talk to your children about these topics.
Parent’s Values about Sexuality
When it comes to talking to your adolescent about sexuality it is
hard to know when, how, or even what to talk about. Many worry about
giving too much information to their adolescent, while others choose
to avoid the topic all together. Dr. Laura Berman reported that it is very
important to start having conversations about sex and sexuality with your
children while they are young, though if you have waited until adolescence it is never too late. It is important that a child is given guidance
and knowledge while they are still young before they are having to make
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
39
many of the decisions about sexuality that come as they grow, especially
in the advent of things like “sexting” and other childhood explorations.
It is equally important to continue to have the discussion as your adolescents gets older and can better understand the conversation.16
When you discuss sexuality with your adolescent it is a much more
individual topic. In general, you do not want to overwhelm your adolescent with information. It is very important to help them understand the
basics, but to do it without shaming them or making them feel that sexuality is wrong.16 Before having this discussion, have a good understanding
of your own views and values about sex and sexuality. Then get yourself prepared to have an open discussion with your adolescent about why
those views are important.17 This discussion should be more about facts
than beliefs, and helping your adolescent understand why the facts about
your point of view are important.17 Here are some of the key questions
that are important to keep in mind and be prepared to answer if they are
brought up or if you choose to discuss it with your child:17
1.The differences between male and female reproductive
systems
2.What is sexual intercourse, masturbating, pornography,
oral sex, anal sex, etc.
3.Questions about pregnancy (how it happens, what happens while pregnant, etc.)
4.Ways to show affection without sex or sexual stimulation
5.What safe sex is, including abstinence, birth control
(“the pill”), condoms, etc.
6.Sexual orientation, including same-sex attraction,
bi-sexualism, and transsexualism (see Chapter 6 for
more information on this topic)
7.HIV, AIDS and other sexually transmitted infections and
diseases
8.The emotions of sex, e.g. rape, having an emotional connection with your partner, etc.
9.The influence of alcohol and other drugs on sex
Though many of these topics seem daunting and overwhelming to
think about discussing with your adolescent, keep in mind that many are
exposed to these topics through the media, school, or other peers, and it
is important for them to have a safe, open discussion with their parents so
values can be passed on and boundaries can be set.18
Adolescence
40
Prevention Conversations
In a teen’s world, sex is nearly everywhere. Teenagers are bombarded with messages about sex in the media. It’s in the lyrics of many popular
songs, television shows, video games, and movies. They are exposed to
talk about sex in high school from their peers. Whether you like it or
not, the media leaves an impression about sexuality on your teenagers.
Studies have shown that the more a teenager watches television shows
with sexual references, the more likely they are to have sex at an earlier
age.19 Sexting has become a new trend among teenagers as well. Be aware
of how your teenager uses their phone.Talk about what is and isn’t appropriate when it comes to using cell phones to send pictures.
As parents, it is important to have preventative discussions with
your teens so that your children know your values and expectations for
them when it comes to sexual activities. Most television shows that talk
about sex do not talk about responsible sexual behaviors, such as using
contraceptives.20 Sex does not have to be an awkward topic to address. As
parents, the most important thing is to have a good line of communication between yourself and your teenager.
Be Open and Connect with Your Teenager
Tell your teens that they can talk to you about anything, and really
mean it.20 If your teen does ask you questions, take the time to listen and
then respond. This will help your teenager to know that you care about
them and are open to talking about these types of subjects. Studies have
shown that when teens do not feel connected to their family, they are
more likely to engage in risky behaviors, such as teenage sex.21 However,
when teens feel positively connected to their parents and family, they are
more likely to wait to have sex.20, 21 Studies have shown that when parents
and teens have open, warm communication, teens have a higher self esteem and make healthier life choices.21
As parents, one important way to connect with your teens is taking
the time to get to know your teenager’s friends and what they do together. Studies have shown that when parents get to know their child’s friends
and where they are, their children report having less sex, with fewer
sexual partners, and more consistent use of birth control.20
Contraceptives and Birth Control
If your teenager plans to eventually be sexually active, consider
talking to them about birth control and other contraceptives, such as
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
41
condoms. Studies have shown that the majority of teenagers prefer to
get information about birth control from their parents rather than school
health classes, doctors, the media, or friends. Most teenagers feel they
don’t have enough information about birth control and do not know
where to get it.20 As parents, you can teach your teen about birth control
to avoid unwanted pregnancies and to avoid getting STDs .
Conversation Tips
Teach and empower your children to make good decisions about
their own sexuality that are in line with your family’s values. Instead of
waiting to talk about sexuality until “the talk”, look for everyday observations to bring up topics related to human sexuality. For example, you
may be watching a television show and a character talks about having
sex. This can be a not-as-awkward opportunity to address whether or
not what is happening in the media is in line with your values. Be simple and honest in your conversations with your teenagers. Respect their
questions.20 If you don’t know the answer to a question, tell your teen.
Then, together you can look up the answer to the question. As a parent,
you have the opportunity to prepare and empower your teenager to make
healthy decisions and better understand their own sexuality. These conversations during their teenage years will benefit your children for life.
Reparative Discussions
After Your Teen has Participated in Sexual Behavior(s)
There are a lot of messages in the way people talk about adolescents’ experience with sexuality and maturation. These messages seem
to be influenced by the values of the people around us and the larger
society.22 Your adolescent has probably heard many of them from you,
friends, peers, media, and other sources. Talking to your teenager about
having done some kind of sexual act will most likely be uncomfortable
for them. They may also feel embarrassment, shame, guilt, pride, like
they have become an adult, regret, confusion, ambivalence, and many
other emotions. If your relationship with them is strained it may be even
more difficult for you and them, but that does not mean that you should
not talk to about what has happened. If you feel that your relationship
with your son or daughter is not as good as you would like it to be, start
now to build the relationship, even if it has been difficult in the recent
past. Strive to listen to them as much or more than you talk to them,
especially about their sexual activity. This may help them to feel like you
Adolescence
42
care about them and their experience and that you want to understand
them, rather than punish, criticize, or ridicule them. Generally, if adolescents feel understood and cared about then they are more likely to be
honest with you. Whether or not you are comfortable with what they did
(or did not do in the situation), whether or not you are angry at them
for what happened, they need to feel that you love them and that you are
there for them. That is the bottom line.
You may want to be careful about how you react to what they say,
as some teens will be looking for signs of judgment or rejection and may
shut off communication with you if they see this. Do your best to see
the situation from their perspective. If they open up to you, try to make
comments that validate their feelings and their side of the story, such as
“If I was feeling that way, I would have been tempted to do that too” or “I
think I can see where you are coming from…” and then summarize what
they are saying and ask if that is what they mean.
As mentioned before, you will want to know your own values on
this subject before you talk to your teen.There are a wide variety of opinions and beliefs about adolescent sexuality. For example, one researcher
praised the Dutch people for having open communication about sex with
adolescents and an open culture about it, to the point of allowing their
children to have sleepovers in their homes with the teen’s girlfriend or
boyfriend. The argument was that as long as the adolescent is unable to
make a well informed decision about having sex, then it was okay for
them to do. In this way, the parents supposedly join their adolescent children in their sexual development.23 From this stand point, the conversation you would have with your son or daughter would be very different
than within a family in which abstinence before marriage is the value of
the parents, and possibly the teenager’s value as well.
There are several topics that may eventually need to be addressed,
though probably not all in the first conversation you have with your child
about sexuality. These topics may include: sexually transmitted infections
(e.g. getting tested for them, how to prevent them in the future, potential
consequences of preventing and of not preventing sexually transmitted
infections, etc.), pregnancy (e.g. doctors’ appointments; what to expect;
decisions to be made—adoption, abortion, becoming a teen parent, level of involvement and commitment of both parents of the baby; etc.),
emotional effects of sexual activity (e.g. lowered self-esteem, pride, peer
praise/approval, peer rejection/exclusion), and any other potential conTeaching Sexuality in the Home
43
sequences to them and/or the people around them (e.g. family, employers, etc.)24
At some point you may want to talk to them about what factors lead
them to where they are. For example, research has shown that peer group
deviance was the greatest predictor of risky sexual behaviors in some
youth groups.25 You may consider talking to them about what their friend
group says or feels about their actions. Are they cheering your teen on
to do more sexual behaviors? Are they ostracizing your son or daughter,
resulting in them feeling alone and ashamed? If your son or daughter is
being ostracized, then that may be an opportunity for you to show them
compassion, kindness, and support without adding to their feeling of being rejected.
Research has also shown that pornography use may be associated
with adolescent sexual activity.26 Being careful not to accuse them, you
may want to talk to them about this as well. This, of course, will depend
on your values about pornography.
In conclusion, the things you may want to keep foremost in your
mind would be your values and the way that this interaction will affect
your relationship with your son or daughter. However, it is also important that they get the information they need about the topic so that they
can make good decisions about their current situation and for their future. So, take a deep breath and do your best.
References
1. Harrington, P., Cottam, M., Moulding, B. D., & Wojtech, F. Utah State Office of Education.
(2006). Human sexuality: A resource guide for parents and teachers (for high school)
2. Coles, R., & Stokes, G. (1985). Sex and the American Teenager. New York: Harper and Row.
3. Janus, S., & Janus, C. (1993). The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior. New York: Wiley.
4. Sullivan J. (2008). This is your kid’s brain on Internet porn. Oregonian, December 17, E1.
5. Albright, J. (2008). Sex in America online: An exploration of sex, marital status, and sexual identity in Internet sex seeking and its impacts. Journal of Sex Research, 45, 175-186.
6. Weber, M., Quiring, O., & Daschmann, G. (2012). Peers, parents, and pornography:
Exploring adolescents’ exposure to sexually explicit material and its developmental
correlates. Sexuality and Culture, 16(4), 408-427.
7. Ibid.
8. Kraus, S., & Russel, B. (2008). Early sexual experiences: The role of Internet access and sexually explicit material. Cyberpsychology Behavior, 11, 162-168.
9. Brady, S., & Halpern-Felsher, B. (2007). Adolescents’ reported consequences of having oral
sex versus vaginal sex. Pediatrics, 119, 29-236.
10.Halpern-Felsher, B., Cornell, J., Kropp, R., & Tschann, J. (2006). Oral versus vaginal sex
among adolescents: Perceptions, attitudes, and behavior. Pediatrics, 44, 115, 845-851, 10231024.
Adolescence
44
11.Centers for Disease Control. (2006). Youth risk behavior surveillance: United States, 2005.
Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 55, 1-108.
12.Brady, S., & Halpern-Felsher, B. (2007). Adolescents’ reported consequences of having oral
sex versus vaginal sex. Pediatrics, 119, 29-236.
13.Knox, D., Zusman, M., & McNelly, A. (2008). University students’ beliefs about sex: Men vs.
women. College Student Journal, 42, 181-185.
14.Crooks, R., & Baur, K. (2011). Our sexuality (11th ed). Belmont, CA:Thompson Wadsworth.
15.Berman, 2009
16.Steinberg, 2011
17.Palo Alto Medical Foundation, 2014
18.Pearlman, 2008
19.Common Sense
20.The Media Project
21.Advocates for Youth
22.Hyde, A., Drennan, J., Howlett, E., Carney, M., Butler, M., & Lohan, M. (2012). Parents’ constructions of the sexual self-presentation and sexual conduct of adolescents: Discourses of
gendering and protecting. Culture, Health & Sexuality, 14(8), 895-909. Retrieved from the
PsycINFO database.
23.Deaton, D. L. (2013). Review of ‘Not under my roof: Parents, teens, and the culture of sex’.
Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 42(1), 157-163. Retrieved from the PsycINFO database.
DOI 10.1007/s10964-012-9851-y
24.What if my teen is sexually active. (n.d.).ParentFurther: A search institute resource for
families. Retrieved from http://www.parentfurther.com/high-risk-behaviors/early-sexualactivity/sexually-active-teen
25.Young, M. A., & Vazsonyi, A. (2011). Parents, peers, and risky sexual behaviors in rural
African American adolescents. Journal of Genetic Psychology, 172(1), 84-93. Retrieved from
the PsycINFO database.
26.Young, M. A., & Vazsonyi, A. (2011). Parents, peers, and risky sexual behaviors in rural
African American adolescents. Journal of Genetic Psychology, 172(1), 84-93. Retrieved from
the PsycINFO database. DOI 10.1007/s12119-012-9132-7.
27.Centers for Disease Control. (2008). Youth risk behavior surveillance: United States, 2007.
Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 27, 1-31.
28.Centers for Disease Control. (2011). Sexual risk behavior: HIV, STD, & teen
pregnancy prevention. Retrieved from February 25, 2014, from http://www.cdc.gov/
HealthyYouth/sexualbehaviors/
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
Same-Sex Attraction
The following chapter will cover issues pertaining to parenting a
child who identifies as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT) or
one of many variations in experiencing their gender in a way that differs
from what is typically considered “normal”. This chapter is broken down
into three parts: 1) an educational component; 2) identification of the
unique challenges faced by these youth and potential risks that are more
common for youth in this category; and 3) ideas for parents to help create
a safe environment for their children.
Education
Same-sex attraction is a topic that is rapidly increasing in awareness
today. In order to grasp and communicate with others in regard to this
subject, we have compiled a brief explanation of common terminology
and definitions, current understanding, and frequent viewpoints taken by
different coalitions.
Terminology
There are many different terms and variations related to sexual orientations. For the sake of room, we have provided the currently held
definitions on some of the more common terms and suggest that if you
Same-Sex Attraction
46
hear terms not mentioned here, you should pursue further understanding through reliable sources. Examples of this might be professional dictionaries, doctors, peer-reviewed literature, etc.
Ally: A heterosexual person who supports the LGBT community.
Asexual: Someone who is not sexually attracted to either sex
Bisexual: A person who is sexually attracted to both males and
females
Gay: A homosexual (particularly a man)
Gender: Someone’s social behavior and its perceived masculinity,
femininity, or androgyny
Genetic Sex: A person’s genetic makeup or chromosomal definition of sex
Homosexual: A person who is sexually attracted to those of the
same sex
Intersex: A hermaphrodite; someone whose genitalia is mixed
(both male and female)
Lesbian: a homosexual woman
LGBT: Stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender. Although
LGBT seems to be the most commonly used initialism, there
are additional initials that have been used. For example, you
may see LGBTQQIAAP which stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, allies,
and pansexual.
Pansexual: A person who is sexually attracted to all types of identification, such as sexual orientation, genetic sex, physical
sex, gender, etc. (Some define pansexuality as a person being
solely attracted to someone because of their personality, not
discriminating between outer appearance or labels.)
Physical sex: A person’s exterior or interior genitals and sex organs which can be male, female, or intersex (which is an estimated less than 1% of the population1).
Queer: Someone who does not wish to be labeled by their sexual
preference, so they refer to themselves as queer.
Questioning: Someone who is questioning their sexual
orientation.
Sexual Identity: Someone’s inward sense of whether they are
male or female
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
47
Sexual Orientation: Someone’s sexual attraction to the opposite, same, both, or any sex
Sexual Spectrum: Originates from the idea that all individuals
are on a spectrum enveloping all levels of sexual tendency and
these levels are on the sexual spectrum
Straight: Someone who is heterosexual.
Transgender: A person who identifies in some way with people of
their opposite sex. (People use transgender and transsexual
interchangeably, but transgender seems to be more connected
to emotional and psychological identifying, and transsexual
with the additional physical aspect.)
Transsexual: A person who completely identifies with the opposite sex. (Definitions range from this meaning emotionally,
psychologically, or physically and can be done through surgical and hormonal alterations, etc.)
What the Research Says
Recently, research has had a large focus on exploring different aspects of sexual orientation. However, even though most findings lean
towards a biological origin, we acknowledge the inconclusive nature of
many current findings and can only report theories and assumptions.
Also, because the scope of research that studies same-sex attraction is
very broad, we discuss only general questions and findings.
Is a sexual orientation other than heterosexuality a mental illness?
It was previously viewed that non-heterosexual orientations were a result
of a sickness in the mind. In fact, this was a designated pathology in the
first version of the DSM, a manual that social scientists use to diagnose
clients with mental illness. Since then, researchers and other experts
have clearly withdrawn this claim and stated that homosexuality does not
meet the criteria of a mental illness.2
Where does someone’s sexual orientation come from? No one
knows where someone’s sexual orientation originates. Again, the recent
trend has been aligning with more biological etiologies as opposed to the
previous thought that all “divergent” sexual orientation stemmed from
unhealthy environmental upbringing and mental detriments.2 However,
some argue that not only is biology a major factor, but environment is not
out of the question. Especially for women, some state that sexuality is
fluid and molds according to their life situation, relationships, and other
Same-Sex Attraction
48
contextual factors. In any case, the guess at the origin of sexual orientation is speculation.
3
Major Position Statements and Opinions
The topic of sexual orientation continues to be one that is highly emotionally charged due to its controversial nature. Because of this,
many associations have formally stated their opinions and where they
stand on the issue. The statements below are provided to help the reader
know the common viewpoints that are currently held by many professional social service organizations.
The American Psychological Association represents a major professional organization of psychologists in the United States and has issued
the following statement in regards to their position on sexual orientation:
The American Psychological Association opposes portrayals of lesbian,
gay, and bisexual youth and adults as mentally ill due to their sexual
orientation and supports the dissemination of accurate information
about sexual orientation, and mental health, and appropriate interventions in order to counteract bias that is based in ignorance or unfounded beliefs about sexual orientation.4
A similar type of organization for social workers, known as the
National Association of Social Workers (NASW), issued the following
statement:
[NASW] endorses policies in both the public and private sectors that
ensure nondiscrimination; that are sensitive to the health and mental
health needs of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people; and that promote
an understanding of lesbian, gay, and bisexual cultures. Social stigmatization of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people is widespread and is a
primary motivating factor in leading some people to seek sexual orientation changes… NASW discourages social workers from providing
treatments designed to change sexual orientation or from referring
practitioners or programs that claim to do so.5
Because this topic tends to create controversy, most organizations
have publicly articulated their positions. If you have aligned your values with certain institutions or groups, you may find further guidance
through these groups and hear differing opinions than the major professional associations sampled above. As you navigate through this process,
we highly recommend that you carefully consider your child’s well-being,
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
49
their values, and seek guidance through those that they respect and trust.
In the next section, we will discuss common risk factors for LGBT youth
in an effort to emphasize the importance of being familiar with the trials
they face.
Risk Factors
Many LGBT youth are able to have positive and healthy experiences
as teenagers. Like their non-LGBT peers, some thrive in their teenage
years and achieve great success on the way to bigger and better things,
others survive the experience but are happy to move on in life, and yet
others struggle and encounter enormous hardships. A growing body of
research suggests that LGBT youth fall into this last category more often
than do non-LGBT youth.6,7,8
Unique Challenges
LGBT youth often face an additional set of problems in addition
to normal high school difficulties. In an attempt to understand the perspectives of contemporary LGBT youth, a sampling of 10,000 self-identified LGBT youth were polled. In response to the question “What is the
most difficult problem facing you in your life these days?” the top three
responses from non-LGBT youth were predictably about school, work,
and preparing for college. The most commonly reported problems on
the minds of LGBT students, however, reflected concerns about being
accepted at home, fear of being open and honest with others, and worry
about being bullied at school.9
Victimization and Bullying
These concerns are legitimate problems facing LGBT youth. Additional findings from the study of 10,000 LGBT youth indicate that these
students are about two times more likely to be verbally assaulted, two
times more likely to be physically assaulted, and two times more likely to
report feeling excluded by their peers because they are different. Ninety-two percent of students polled said that they hear negative messages
about being LGBT from many sources, such as the internet, at school, in
media, and among family members.10 A separate study by the Center for
Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) found that eight out of ten students had been verbally harassed at school, four of ten had been physically
harassed at school, one out of five had been physically assaulted at school,
and six out of ten felt unsafe at school.11 This kind of victimization and
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50
bullying takes place at a much higher rate among LGBT youth than it does
among non-LGBT youth.
In 2002, a study linked the victimization of LGBT high school students to a number of dangerous and risky behaviors. At low levels of
victimization, there are fewer differences between LGBT and non-LGBT
student involvement in risky behavior. As LGBT students become victims
of bullying and aggression, their use of dangerous coping methods skyrockets. Among the behaviors found in this particular study are: suicidality, substance abuse, mental health disorders, sexual risk, and truancy.12
Suicidality
An analysis in 2011 collected data from 24 different studies, each
investigating different elements of the LGBT experience in regards to
suicidal ideation, planning, and attempts. Based on the collective results
of these 24 studies, it was found that, on average, sexual minority youth
were 96% more likely than their heterosexual peers to experience feelings of wanting to take their own life, 120% more likely to begin formulating suicide plans, 218% more likely to attempt suicide, and 317%
more likely to have an attempt that required medical attention13. In each
of the 24 studies, LGBT youth reported higher levels of suicidality, often
much higher (double or more).
Substance Abuse
One study found that twenty percent of LGBT youth use substances
compared to a national average of 9.7% in the same age range.14 Another
study found that 52% of LGBT youth have used alcohol or drugs compared to 22% of non-LGBT youth. These rates are more than double
among LGBT youth.15 A study of schools in multiple states revealed higher use of virtually every substance (tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine,
heroin, etc.) among LGBT youth.16
Mental Health Disorders
Taking into consideration the experiences reported in the studies
presented here, it is no surprise that the same students are also being
diagnosed with mental health disorders at higher rates than non-LGBT
peers. Numerous studies have documented higher rates of mental health
concerns among this population, most frequently depression, anxiety,
and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).17,18,19,20,21
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
51
Risky Sexual Behavior
A study of schools in nine states showed that LGBT students were
more likely to have engaged in sexual intercourse, to have more than
four sexual partners in their lifetime, and to have their first experience
with sex prior to age 13. The same study also indicated that LGBT youth
were more likely to be forced into an unwanted sexual experience.22 In
another study, risky sexual behavior was assessed with two indicators:
at the time of the last sexual encounter 1) were drugs/alcohol used and
2) were condoms used. Male LGBT youth in particular had much more
risky sexual behavior as their exposure to victimization increased.23
Truancy
A nationally representative sample found that about 30% of LGBT
students missed some period of school within the last month due to not
feeling safe at school. Compare this to the 8% of non-LGBT students
who reported similar patterns.24
Though the estimates vary from study to study, the consensus is
clear: LGBT youth are exposed to more stressors, on average, and engage
in more dangerous coping methods. The greater the victimization, the
more likely they are to turn to unhealthy behaviors rather than seeking
appropriate help. In the next section we will discuss what you, as a parent, can do to support and strengthen a child in these circumstances.
Safe Environment
As with any conversation with your child, it is important to create
an environment where they feel safe and loved unconditionally. This kind
of environment is especially important if your child is going to share with
you their thoughts, feelings, and desires. A safe environment will allow
for open two-way communication and important dialogue to occur and
will not be a place for judgment.
Empathy
As a parent, one of the greatest ways to create this safe environment
is to have empathy for your child. Empathy is defined as “the feeling that
you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions”
or “the ability to share someone else’s feelings”.25 An example of empathy would be if your child says to you, “I don’t like the dark; it is scary”
and your response is, “So the dark is a scary place for you.” Allowing
your child and yourself to sit in the feelings they have instead of running
away from them will show your child that you are not afraid of feelings
Same-Sex Attraction
52
and emotions and will give them a safe place to share whatever they are
feeling.
In the section above, we have outlined some of the risk factors and
harmful behaviors that may be experienced by those who experience
same-sex attraction. Research has shown that one of the most significant
protective factors in avoiding these behaviors is parental acceptance. This
acceptance and empathy exhibited by parents leads to higher self-esteem,
greater social support, and better overall health.26 Being that safe person
for your child to share their experiences and feelings with will allow for
open dialogue and understanding for both you and your child.
Another way to show empathy and provide this safe environment is
to give your child the time to talk when they come to you. Giving your
child the time as soon as possible instead of putting them off will let your
child know that they are your priority and you will be there wherever
and whenever they need you. Practicing these concepts of empathy and
creating a safe environment from the time your child is young creates a
culture of sharing and caring that will benefit the relationship between
you and your child for whatever experiences come into your lives.
Coming Out Process
Each person who experiences same-sex attraction will have varied
experiences with the coming out process. One of the most widely recognized models of coming out is the Cass Identity Model.27 This model
identifies six phases of coming out. These phases are: identity confusion,
identity comparison, identity tolerance, identity acceptance, identity
pride, and identity synthesis. Not everyone will go through each of these
phases and they are not always experienced in a linear progression, but
the phases are likely some of what your child has or will experience.
The way you react to your child’s coming out can have a huge effect
on the risk factors discussed in the previous section. It is a common reaction for parents to feel confused, disappointed, or even sad when their
child tells them of their feelings of same-sex attraction. Every individual
and family will handle the process of their child’s coming out in a different way. The following are some do’s and do not’s to help you navigate
through that process, as you see fit.28,29
• Do not reject your child. When children feel that their
parents see them as broken or are ashamed of them, their
dignity as a human being is crushed and their self-esteem
takes a nose-dive. Even if you do not agree with or unTeaching Sexuality in the Home
53
•
•
•
•
•
•
derstand feelings of same-sex attraction remember that
this is your child.
Do not exclude your child from family activities. It is
important for your child to maintain loving, stable family relationships and continuing to include them in family
activities will allow those relationships to continue and
grow into loving and supportive bonds.
Do not blame yourself. No parent is perfect, but your
child telling you they experience same-sex attraction
is not a reflection on your parenting skills. You did not
make your child gay and it is not your fault. Feeling
guilty will not change the experience your child is having and will only build resentment and shame.
Do not tell your child to keep their same-sex attraction
a secret. It is up to your child to determine who they
will tell and when. The more people to love and support your child through the challenges of life, the less
likely they will experience things like suicidal ideation,
substance abuse, problems in school, or other challenges
more common to LGBT youth.
Expect respect and kindness to be shown to your child
by other family members. As parents, you are the example of how you expect others to treat your child. Do all
you can to protect your child from the harmful words
and actions of others who may not have your child’s best
interest at heart.
Seek social support and professional help if it is needed.
It is important for you to have support, just like your
child needs support at this time.
Tell your child you love them. There is nothing more
powerful than those three simple words. Say them often.
References
1. Johnson, Olive Skene (2007). The Sexual Spectrum: Why We’re All Different. Raincoast
Books: British Columbia.
2. Diamond, Lisa M. (2008). Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. Harvard
University Press.
3. Just the Facts about Sexual Orientation & Youth. (2014). American Psychological Association,
internet resource: http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/resources/just-the-facts.aspx
Same-Sex Attraction
54
4. “Reparative” and “Conversion” Therapies for Lesbians and Gay Men. (2000). National
Association of Social Workers, internet resource: http://www.naswdc.org/diversity/lgb/
reparative.asp
5. LGBT Sexual Orientation. (2013) American Psychiatric Association, internet resource:
http://www.psychiatry.org/mental-health/people/lgbt-sexual-orientation
6. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2013). Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender
health. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/lgbthealth/
7. Bontempo, D., & D’Augelli, A. R. (2002). Effects of at-school victimization and sexual
orientation on lesbian, gay, or bisexual youths’ health risk behavior. Journal of Adolescent
Health, 30, 364-374.
8. Kosciw, J. G., Greytak, E. A., Diaz, E. M., & Bartkiewicz, M. J. (2010). The 2009 National
School Climate Survey: The experiences of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth in our
nation’s schools. New York: GLSEN.
9. Human Rights Campaign (2012). Growing up LGBT in America: HRC youth survey report
key findings. Retrieved from https://www.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/Growing-UpLGBT-in-America_Report.pdf
10.Human Rights Campaign (2012). Growing up LGBT in America: HRC youth survey report
key findings. Retrieved from https://www.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/Growing-UpLGBT-in-America_Report.pdf
11.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2013). Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender
health. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/lgbthealth/
12.Bontempo, D., & D’Augelli, A. R. (2002). Effects of at-school victimization and sexual
orientation on lesbian, gay, or bisexual youths’ health risk behavior. Journal of Adolescent
Health, 30, 364-374.
13.Suicidality and Depression Disparities Between Sexual Minority and Heterosexual Youth: A
Meta-Analytic Review. Journal of Adolescent Health, Volume 49, Issue 2, 2011, pp. 115-123,
http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1054139X11000541?np=y
14.Parental Acceptance and Illegal Drug Use among Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Adolescents:
Results from a National Survey. By: Padilla,Yolanda C., Crisp, Catherine, Rew, Donna Lynn,
Social Work, 00378046, Jul2010, Vol. 55, Issue 3
15.Human Rights Campaign (2012). Growing up LGBT in America: HRC youth survey report
key findings. Retrieved from https://www.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/Growing-UpLGBT-in-America_Report.pdf
16.CDC. Sexual identity, sex of sexual contacts, and health-risk behaviors among students in
grades 9–12—Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance, selected sites, United States, 2001–2009.
MMWR Early Release 2011;60[June 6]:1–133. http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/
mmwrhtml/ss60e0606a1.htm
17.Hart, T.A., Heimberg, R.G. (2001). Presenting problems among treatment-seeking gay,
lesbian, and bisexual youth. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 57, 615-627.
18.D’Augelli, A.R. (2002). Mental health problems among lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth ages
14 to 21. Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 7, 433-456
19.NAMI. Mental Health Risk Factors Among LGBT Youth.
20.Mental health in sexual minorities: Recent indicators, trends, and their relationships to place
in North America and Europe. NathanielM.Lewis Health & Place 15 (2009) 1029–1045
21.Bontempo, D., & D’Augelli, A. R. (2002). Effects of at-school victimization and sexual
orientation on lesbian, gay, or bisexual youths’ health risk behavior. Journal of Adolescent
Health, 30, 364-374.
22.CDC. Sexual identity, sex of sexual contacts, and health-risk behaviors among students in
grades 9–12—Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance, selected sites, United States, 2001–2009.
MMWR Early Release 2011;60[June 6]:1–133. http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/
mmwrhtml/ss60e0606a1.htm
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
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23.Bontempo, D., & D’Augelli, A. R. (2002). Effects of at-school victimization and sexual
orientation on lesbian, gay, or bisexual youths’ health risk behavior. Journal of Adolescent
Health, 30, 364-374.
24.Kosciw, J. G., Greytak, E. A., Diaz, E. M., & Bartkiewicz, M. J. (2010). The 2009 National
School Climate Survey: The experiences of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth in our
nation’s schools. New York: GLSEN.
25.Merriam-Webster Dictionary (2014). Merriam-Webster,, Inc.
26.Ryan, C., Russell, S.T., Huebner, D., Diaz, R., Sanchez, J. (2010). Family acceptance in
adolescence and the health of LGBT young adults. Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric
Nursing, 23 (4), 205-213.
27.Cass, V. (1979). Homosexual identity formation: A theoretical model. Journal of
Homosexuality, 4 (3), 219-235.
28.Ryan, C. (2009). Family Acceptance Project. San Francisco State University. http://
familyproject.sfsu.edu/files/English_Final_Print_Version_Last.pdf
29.Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (2014). Do’s and don’ts for families and
friends. Retrieved from http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=541
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Teaching Sexuality in the Home
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse is defined as “any action that pressures or coerces
someone to do something sexually they don’t want to do. It can also refer
to behavior that impacts a person’s ability to control their sexual activity
or the circumstances in which sexual activity occurs, including oral sex,
rape or restricting access to birth control and condoms.”1 Additionally,
every child is considered unable to consent to any sexual activity and as
such, any use of a child for sexual stimulation is considered sexual abuse.
Rape is defined as force or threatened use of force to coerce someone
into unwanted sexual intercourse. If someone does not refuse unwanted
sexual activity this does not mean that they give consent and it is still considered abuse. Specifically, this is true with children, who are incapable of
consenting to any sexual activity.
It is estimated that between 7 to 12% of children will experience
sexual abuse in some form, from verbal abuse to touching to rape. This
means that 400,000 children born this year will be sexually abused before they turn 18, assuming this rate does not change. Sexual abuse is
one and half times more likely to happen to a female rather than a male.
Lastly, sexual abuse is more likely to happen to a disabled child than a
Sexual Abuse
58
non-disabled child. This demonstrates the severity of this problem and
the need for educating children so they can better protect themselves.
Contact Abuse (Touching)
The first type of abuse we will discuss is any sexual abuse that involves contact. This includes physical contact of some kind between the
victim and the perpetrator.This is the most obvious form of abuse because
it involves direct contact. However, many perpetrators will “groom” their
victims to participate in the abuse and so the child may not recognize the
perpetrator’s advances as abuse. Teach your children that any touch that
is not from a trusted source or makes them feel uncomfortable should be
reported. The types of contact abuse include:
• Fondling (touching a child’s genitals or private parts for
sexual pleasure)
• Intercourse
• Oral or anal sex
• Unwanted kissing or touching
• Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity
• Rape or attempted rape
• Making a child touch someone else’s genitals
• Playing sexual games
• Putting objects or body parts (like fingers, tongue or
penis) inside the vagina, in the mouth, or in the anus of
a child for sexual pleasure.2
Non-Contact Abuse (Non-Touching)
This type of abuse includes all sexual activity that does not include
physical contact between the victim and perpetrator. This type of abuse
may be harder to identify, but is still considered abuse and should be reported immediately when it occurs. There may be times when the child is
unaware that this abuse is happening, as in the case of a voyeur watching a
child dress. Other times, the child will be exposed to pornography or the
genitals of an adult. Some kinds of non-contact abuse include:
• Obscene phone calls
• Exhibitionism
• Masturbation
• Sexting
• Sending explicit photographs
• Pornography
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• Forcing someone to watch a sexual act
• Voyeurism
Sexual Exploitation
Sexual exploitation includes producing a visual depiction of any
sexually explicit conduct. Additionally, it includes sexual abuse for which
the child or second party is given compensation. In this type of abuse the
child is treated as a sexual object or commercial object to be used for
gain.3 This may include:
• Prostitution
• Creation of child pornography
Explanations
Where and by whom does abuse occur?
Sexual abuse can occur in a variety of situations, including in the
home, at school, at work, or in the community. A child may be shown
pornography on the bus to school or they may be raped at a public park.
Teach your children that they should always be vigilant in keeping themselves safe as abuse may occur in any situation. However, abuse is more
likely to happen in secluded, dark places and children should be taught to
avoid these places.
Children should be taught that any sexual activity from any
person is abuse and they have a right to protect themselves. Research has
shown that abuse victims know their offender in 90% of all cases. This
frequently includes family members, neighbors, and other community
members the child may be familiar with. This demonstrates the importance of the child assessing the type of contact they have with the adults
and other children rather than identifying “safe” adults and trusting everything they do.
Reporting
Children should be taught to share what happened with a parent
(or other trusted adult) immediately after sexual abuse occurs. Creating
an open relationship with your child can facilitate the reporting process.
Regular check-ins will allow your child to feel safe and willing to discuss
activity that may not be clearly abuse to them (such as being exposed
to pornography). If the child cannot trust a parent, they can report the
abuse to a law official, a trusted teacher, a trusted neighbor, or other
family member.
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60
Your child should be aware that any sexual advances should be
stopped, are considered sexual abuse, and that they are not responsible
for the action. Often, children may be confused as to what is happening
and how they should react. This is why teaching your child about what
sexual abuse may look like and how they should react is vital in keeping
them safe. How to talk to your child, what to talk to your child about,
and what to teach your child to do will all be discussed in this chapter.
Parent Values
Know Your Personal Values
Across cultures, religions, and different value systems, society typically agrees that sexual abuse is wrong in all forms. There are never any
circumstances where it is acceptable, and it is especially grievant when
children are involved.4 Identifying your own personal values is crucial
because your values are what will guide you through approaching the
subject with your children, and how you help children recover from the
trauma of sexual abuse.
It Is Never Okay
There are many different kinds of abuse, but sexual abuse may be
the hardest to talk about and the most uncomfortable to address. No
matter what kind of abuse has taken place, the person who was abused
did not want it to happen. No one has the right to take away other’s
rights with unwanted sexual contact. It is never okay to make someone
do something against their will. If sexual abuse is happening, help your
child seek support immediately. It needs to be reported right away and
professional help needs to be sought. There is never any excuse for hurting or abusing others.
It Is Serious
Taking all accusations of sexual abuse seriously is vital. It is also important to teach your children about the seriousness of sexual abuse, and
about the importance of honesty.5 Creating a safe environment at home
in which your child can talk to you or another trusted adult is conducive
to helping children feel comfortable in seeking help. Try to encourage the
child to talk about what they have experienced. It is important to guard
against showing feelings that may influence your child’s portraying of the
information.5 Continually reassure your child that he or she did nothing
wrong, and that you are on their side and here to help.5 Seeking mental
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
61
health assistance for your child will help your child get the professional
care they need.5
It May Cause Fear or Embarrassment
There are many emotions felt by survivors of sexual abuse.6 Many
victims of sexual abuse begin to fear people in general, especially in the
case of children. They may lose faith and trust in their own judgment
and begin to fear decisions they make. Recognizing the signs of fear or
embarrassment in your child and being sensitive to their needs is the first
step.6 It is also important to recognize your own fear, embarrassment, or
guilt surrounding the situation so you are better able to remain a support
system for the child.
You May Be Wondering
How will sexual abuse affect your child’s relationship with you,
their self-esteem, etc? The effects of sexual abuse are hard to predict because every circumstance of abuse is varied. It depends on the age of the
child, the nature of the sexual abuse, their reaction to the abuse, and how
the abuse was reacted to by others upon disclosure.7 Typically, older children are affected more severely because they have more cognitive awareness and younger children are primarily focused on their day to day safety
and security.7 To preserve your relationship with your child when sexual
abuse is discovered, it is important not to act negative or disbelieving.7
Their self-esteem may suffer and it is important to remember that caregivers have the most influence over children. As caregivers, continuing to
show love, support, and fostering a line of open communication can help
the child regain their self-esteem.
How will I overcome my own personal barriers to teaching my children about sexual abuse? Self-awareness is the first step to discovering
your own personal biases or barriers in addressing sexual abuse.Typically,
parents have this question because sexual abuse makes them uncomfortable. If this is the case for you, try not to focus on the sexual part of the
sexual abuse, instead focus on the three B’s: Be involved, be available, and
be loving.8 Being involved with your children includes being interested in
their activities, being involved in their media usage, and creating a loving,
trusting environment. Being available is making time to spend with your
child and being open to answering any questions they may have. Being
loving is done by implementing the loving practices of parenthood by
showing affection and expressing appreciation.
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62
Where can I learn more about sexual abuse? In the resources section at the end of this chapter, there are many websites, manuals, and articles suggested that will help answer any questions you may still have after
reviewing this chapter. Give yourself credit! The fact that you are reading
this section of the manual shows you are trying to educate yourself and
taking a proactive role in preventing sexual abuse. Great job! Here are
some things you can do: educate yourself about sexual abuse, learn and
practice specific guidelines for protecting children from sexual abuse,
and talk to your children about touching safety.
Resources
http://www.parentsprotect.co.uk/warning_signs.htm
http://teachers.teachingsexualhealth.ca/wp-content/uploads/
Grade-9-Sexual-Assault-Lesson-12.pdf
http://www.apa.org/pubs/info/brochures/sex-abuse.aspx?item=7
http://ndvsac.org/wpcontent/uploads/SA/Feelings%20
Frequently%20Felt%20by%20Sexual%20Assault%20Survivors.pdf
http://www.urge.co.nz/sex/sexual-abuse.html
http://www.rainn.org/get-information/sexual-assault-prevention/
protecting-a-child-from-sexual-assault
http://www.wcsap.org/effects-child-sexual-abuse
Preventative Discussions
How Can I Protect My Child?
Many parents wonder what they can do to protect their children
from being sexually abused at some point in their lives. As a parent this is
a normal concern to have when raising children in society today.
Boundaries and Roles
One thing that you can do is to realize that most sexual abuse starts
with the violation of a boundary. Although the media typically portrays
children being sexually abused by means of abduction or kidnapping,
most sexual abuse is committed by acquaintances or individuals that
children have trusting, established relationships with. As a result of this
unfortunate truth, it is vital that you create clear, definable boundaries
between your child and the other individuals in their lives. As a parent,
it is important to define boundaries for yourself and for your children.
Most sexual perpetrators are typically attracted to situations where their
role is undefined and blurred boundaries exist as a result.
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63
Helping children understand the roles of individuals in their lives
can prevent boundary violations. A common strategy would be to define
the role of the people in your child’s life and what boundaries are appropriate for that person. Secondly, you can discuss what your child should
do if they feel that a boundary is being breached. Coupled with this discussion, it is helpful to model appropriate boundaries in your personal
relationships and throughout the family unit. Reviewing these steps is not
only vital for children to understand, but very helpful for you in defining
roles, boundaries, and an action plan, if the situation permits.6
Sexual Predators
It is important to be aware of how the mind of a predator works so
you can be proactive about protecting your children. Below is a list of the
most common tricks used by predators to groom or breach the boundaries of a child’s safety.
Accidental touching trick: Predators use accidental touching
as a grooming technique because children are often unaware
of accidental touching. The predator may then work towards
getting close to touching the genital area with their subsequent attempts.
Apple of my eye trick: The predator will take advantage of the
child’s innocent vulnerability by gaining their trust through
giving special attention and eventually seducing the child.
Children seek out love and attention so the predator uses this
avenue to sexually abuse them.
Assistance lure trick: Predators may ask a child to help them
carry something or open a door for them. Other predators
may offer to assist children with things such as unzipping a
zipper before using the bathroom or offering to babysit for a
family. A helpful question to ask yourself is, “Are they more
interested in me or my child?”
Authority trick: Parents typically teach children to respect individuals in positions of authority such as teachers, principals,
or counselors. Unfortunately, predators use their position of
power to take advantage of children.
Costume trick: Predators may use clown or superhero costumes
to lure children in. Not all adults in costumes are predators,
but parents should be aware of this trick.
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Desensitize trick: Predators often attempt to talk openly with
children about sex or sexual acts in an attempt to normalize
the behavior. Some predators send sexually explicit emails or
leave sexual materials around to arouse a child’s curiosity.
Drug and alcohol trick: Drugs and alcohol are often used to
incapacitate children to make them more physically and mentally vulnerable to sexual abuse.
Emergency trick: Situations of crisis often confuse children so as
a result predators will make up crisis situations to confuse the
child and place them in a compromising situation.
Fame trick: Predators may promise children with opportunities
to become famous or a celebrity in return for sexual acts.
Friendship trick: Older children may promise friendship to
younger children in exchange for sexual acts.
Games trick: Predators many change the rules of common games
to include genital contact or sexual acts.
Hero or special privilege trick: Predators that typically use
this trick are individuals in positions of authority such as
coaches, teachers, or older relatives. It is normal for children
to idolize authority figures in their lives. Children may endure
sexual abuse in fear that if they interfere that they will lose
that relationship.
“I know you” trick: Parents often write children’s names on
things like lunch boxes, backpacks, and clothing. However,
this provides predators with the opportunity to learn the
child’s name and make them feel like they already know them.
Internet trick: Predators use the internet to gather information
about children, so that eventually they can set up a situation
where they can meet up with a child. Predators also use the
internet to send pornography to children to spike interest in
sexual acts.
Job trick: Predators may offer young adults high paying jobs to
lure the individual into a compromising position. Other predators may offer younger children high amounts of money to
come into their homes to do odd jobs where they can take
advantage of the child.
Legitimacy trick: A few organizations promote sexual activities
with children and attempt to legitimize the activity. These ofTeaching Sexuality in the Home
65
fenders also attempt to manipulate children into thinking that
these activities are acceptable.
Outing trick: Predators are constantly trying to get alone with
children or take them on special outings. Even if the individual is well liked this is something for parents to be wary of.
Pet trick: Predators may ask children to help them find a lost pet
and often carry objects to support their story such as dog toys
or a leash.
Teaching trick: Predators will offer teaching assistance to families in the form of music lessons, sports coaching, or even
drivers training instruction.
Threat trick: Predators will threaten children into taking part
in sexual abuse and then convince them to stay silent. Once
the abuse has occurred they will threaten the child with telling their parents and friends about what they have done. The
predator may also use this trick to find other victims as well.
Know the Red Flags
After having a firm understanding or tricks that predators use it can
be helpful to have an understanding of the grooming process. Grooming
is the process by which a predator draws a child into sexual relationship of secrecy. Most adults are not trying to groom children in hopes
of developing a sexual relationship, but it can be helpful to be aware of
the red flags. A predator typically demonstrates multiple red flags while
grooming a child.
• The person wants to spend more time with your child
than you.
• The person attempts to be alone with or succeeds at getting time alone with your child.
• The person insists on tickling, hugging, touching, or
kissing the child even when the child is resistant.
• The person is extremely interested in the child’s sexuality and may ask the parent or child sexually charged
questions.
• The person relates with children and prefers to spend
spare time with children instead of individuals their own
age.
• This person demonstrates a lack of boundaries and does
not respect their role when it comes to children.
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66
• This person offers to babysit, watch children, or take
children on overnight outings alone.
• This person presents children with expensive gifts or
money without explanation.
• This person walks through locker rooms or bathrooms
when teens or children are not fully dressed.
• This person spends time at parks, schools, or places
where children congregate.
• This person will spend long periods of time taking pictures or staring at children. Parents should be suspicious
of individuals that attempt to take pictures of their children without consent.
• This person makes inappropriate comments about the
way that your child looks.6
Know the Signs of Sexual Abuse
As a parent it is important to know the behavioral and physical signs
that children who have been sexually abuse will exhibit. Not all of the following indicators mean that the child has been victimized, but the greater
the number of indicators the greater the likelihood that the child has in
fact been abused.
Behavioral signs:
• The child fears specific places, individuals, or activities. The child may also fear being alone with specific
individuals.
• The child fears times when undressing is necessary.
• The child experiences difficulty sleeping or has
nightmares.
• The child experiences sudden changes in mood ranging
from rage to withdrawal.
• The child cries excessively.
• The child actively avoids being touched.
• The child experiences trouble eating, swallowing, or
loss of appetite.
• The child’s school performance declines.
• The child’s drawing themes seem bizarre.
• The child acts out sexually with younger children.
• The child exhibits sexual knowledge uncharacteristic
for their age.
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• The child has new names for body parts.
• The child regresses in terms of developmental behavior
that they have outgrown.
• The child attempts suicide.
• The child attempts self-mutilation.
Physical signs:
• The child has a hard time sitting or walking.
• The child complains of itching or pain in genital areas.
• The child has frequent or excessive bladder infections.
• The child has frequent or excessive yeast infections.
• The child experiences trauma or bleeding in genital,
anal, or oral areas.
• The child has a red or swollen perineum, vulva, or
cervix.
• The child has sexually transmitted infections or
pregnancy.6
Age-Appropriate Terms
Communicating to children that talking openly about sexuality
teaches the child that it is acceptable to talk when questions arise. While
discussing sexuality with children it is important to use correct names of
body parts and to let them know that those body parts are private. As a
parent, it is crucial to tell your children that other people should not be
touching these private body parts unless they need to provide care. If a
person is providing care the child should know that a trusted parent or
caregiver should be present as well. If a child has been abused it is important for them to know what to do after the experience has occurred. Let
your child know that if someone tries to touch their private areas or they
try to show them their private parts that the next step is to tell a parent or
trusted adult as soon as possible. This preventative planning can prevent
against further sexual exposure or abuse. Encouraging this open communication with children can help them to understand that sexuality does
not need to be “secret.” Sexual predators often use secrecy to sustain prolonged sexual abuse of children. As a parent, try to avoid terms like “the
big talk.” Encouraging casual frequent discussions about sexuality help
children to feel comfortable with the subject matter and come to you
with questions or concerns.4 If parents are wanting to discuss sexuality
with young children, but are uncertain about how to approach the matter, take advantage of children’s books on healthy touching. These books
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68
are helpful for young children to have a concrete understanding of what
is appropriate and what is not.
Be Involved and Available
To prevent against sexual abuse in the family it is crucial for parents
to be involved in their children’s lives. Going to activities such as sporting
events, music recitals, and community activities allows children to feel
that their parents are involved and invested in what they are doing. It can
be helpful for parents to talk about the media with children, such as what
they have been looking at lately or what they have seen that concerned
them. Children in today’s society interact with numerous adults on a daily basis. It is important as a parent to be aware of the adults in your child’s
life and being aware of what kind of relationship your children have with
those adults. Lastly, being available to children could be argued as the
most important element of prevention. If your children know that you
are available at any time they will be more likely to confide in you and
discuss concerns or traumatic events that they have encountered.4
Resources
http://www.rainn.org/get-information/sexual-assault-prevention/
protecting-a-child-from-sexual-assault
http://dcf.vermont.gov/stepup
http://www.parenting.com/article/tips-child-sex-abuse-prevention
http://www.parentsformeganslaw.org/public/prevention_childSexualAbuse.html
http://www.parentsprotect.co.uk/creating_a_family_safety_plan.
htm
Reparative Discussions
Asking Your Child about Sexual Abuse
Often parents beat themselves up wondering why they did not see
the signs of sexual abuse. This is normal; as parents, we want to protect
our children. Remember, not all children show signs and not all parents
are trained to know what to look for. Additionally, some parents do not
want to believe their child has been sexually abused. Denial of the abuse
is common in families that want to believe they have a healthy family, untouched by trauma.4 Even though it may be difficult and uncomfortable
to find out if your child has been a victim of sexual abuse, it is essential to
ask the tough questions.
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69
If you suspect sexual abuse, it is important to remember your
response to your child’s disclosure is critical. If your child views your
response as negative, it could cause further suffering and regret in telling
you.9 If the perpetrator was a family member or friend, your child may
fear what might happen to their family dynamics if they tell. Some of the
main reasons for nondisclosure are the belief the parents could not be
counted on, shame, and fear of being blamed.5 Children have a lot of reasons not to tell. So, how can parents approach their child if they suspect
they are being abused? It is important to talk candidly with your child.
RAINN, an anti-sexual violence organization recommends the following:
Pick your time and place carefully!
• Have this conversation somewhere that your child feels
comfortable.
• Do not ask your child about child abuse in front of the
person you think may be abusing the child.
Ask if anyone has been touching them in ways that don’t feel okay
or that make them feel uncomfortable.
• Know that sexual abuse can feel good to the victim, so
asking your child if someone is hurting them may not
get the information that you are looking for.
Follow up on whatever made you concerned. If there was something your child said or did that made you concerned, ask about that.
• Ask in a nonjudgmental way, and take care to avoid
shaming your child as you ask questions. “I” questions
can be very helpful. Rather than beginning your conversation by saying “You (the child) did something/said
something that made me worry…” consider starting
your inquiry with the word “I.” For example: “I am concerned because I heard you say that you are not allowed
to close the bathroom door.”
• Make sure that your child knows that they are not in
trouble, and that you are simply trying to gather more
information.
Talk with your child about secrets:
• Sometimes abusers will tell children that sexual abuse
is a secret just between them. They may ask the child to
promise to keep it secret.
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• When you talk to your child, talk about times that it’s
okay not to keep a secret, even if they made a promise.6
Some children may disclose sexual abuse, only to take it back later.
This does not mean the original report was a lie. Only a small percentage
of reported abuse from a child is false.10 The act of “taking back” a report of sexual abuse is called recantation and is common among sexually
abused children. The majority of children are telling the truth when they
come forward. However, they may regret telling because of what has
happened since they disclosed. They may be dealing with issues related
to swearing to secrecy and want to protect their abuser. The child may be
recanting their story because of the turmoil it has caused in their family
and personal life. Some children go into denial and want to pretend it
did not happen. Additionally, in some families, the child is persuaded to
recant the disclosure if it involves a family member or close friend, due
to the disruption it has caused.
Parent’s Emotions
If your child tells you they have been sexually abused, you may feel
a flood of emotions, ranging from denial, shock, confusion, rage, and disbelief. It is vital to stay calm, believe your child, and protect your child
from the abuser immediately.8 When children feel supported by their
parents, then they heal faster from sexual abuse.7
Do not be surprised if you doubt your child. Denial is a normal reaction to sexual abuse, especially when the abuser is a family member or
close friend, and that person is adamant they did not do it. You may find it
difficult to decide who is telling the truth and what the future holds if you
believe your child or the abuser. It is imperative you cope with your own
reactions in a way that allows the child to feel safe and loved. No matter
what your doubts and feelings are on the inside, the way you handle the
disclosure is vital to the healing of your child.
If a Family Member is the Abuser
A family member can be a blood relative or someone considered
to be a part of the family, such as a godparent. If a family member has
abused your child, you may feel extreme rage, confusion, disbelief, shock,
and guilt8. Notifying law enforcement is a priority and a step that will
help protect your child and help them heal. Although you may feel like
you are betraying that family member, ending the secrecy can help your
child and your family heal. If the abuser is another one of your children,
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the pain and emotion can feel overwhelming. Hard decisions have to be
made, including removing the abuser from the home and into a treatment
facility for sexual predators. Individual and family therapy will determine if and when the child can re-enter the family home.
If the abuser is a partner or spouse, it will take enormous strength
to overcome. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network10 offers the
following challenges you might face:
• Dealing with family members who don’t believe the
abuse occurred or who continue to maintain their relationship with the abuser
• The possibility of economic hardship if you are financially dependent on the abuser
• Possible loss of friends and acquaintances when they
learn your partner is a child abuser
• Making sense of conflicting advice from friends, family,
or religious leaders—who may think you should forgive
the perpetrator—and child protection and legal authorities who expect you to end your involvement with the
perpetrator.
Whatever challenges you may face, the greatest challenge is dealing
with the disclosure. As previously stated, the way you respond to your
child will play a profound role in his or her healing process.
Sexually Abused Adolescent Children
When small children disclose sexual abuse, there is often little
doubt on the parent’s behalf about the truthfulness of the disclosure. Yet,
when an adolescent discloses sexual abuse there may be additional doubts
on the parent’s behalf. As the parent, you may wonder if your adolescent
was somehow at fault or question why they did not resist or why they
did not tell you sooner. If your child told someone else, before he or
she told you, you may feel guilt, confusion, or anger. If the abuser was
your partner or spouse you may feel like they were “cheating” on you. As
difficult as these reactions may be, they can happen. Working through
your self-doubt and fears will help in your recovery as well as your child’s
recovery process.
Power takes many forms and no matter how seductive an adolescent may appear, your partner is still the one in the position of power.
He or she may have control of disciplining your child, financial responsibilities, and other things that may have kept your child from rejecting
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your partner. Do not let your feelings of doubt overcome your need to
protect your child. The perpetrator is the one at fault, not your adolescent. Remember they are the victim, even if your child was aroused
during the abuse. This is the body’s normal response cycle. If you think
about a light in a room, it does not matter who turns the light switch on;
the light turns on. It is not unusual for the victim to become aroused,
and it should not be used against them. Nor should it be assumed that the
victim somehow wanted to be sexually abused. How a parent responds
to their child impacts the child’s ability to heal.
Parenting Sexually Abused Children
Finding out your child has been sexually abused can bring up a lot
of difficult emotions.
Do not overlook the importance of working through your own
possible anger, guilt, and shame associated with abuse, especially if the
perpetrator was a family member or close friend. Self-care and letting
go of negative emotions will not only benefit you, but your child as well.
If you feel like you are not progressing, seek help from mental health
professional.
Your role is critical in helping your child heal. It is imperative that
you do not blame your child. The Better Health Channel11 offers a list of
things to keep in mind when parenting your child:
Do:
• Do tell them you believe them.
• Do reassure and support them.
• Do tell them you do not blame them.
• Do tell them you will try to keep them safe.
• Do let them know you love them.
• Do let them know you are glad they told you.
• Do give them time to talk at their own pace.
• Do make time to spend with your child so you can talk
privately.
• Do be open and clear.
• Do allow your child to talk about how they feel.
• Do try to be calm when talking with your child as they
may be confused by anger.
• Do try to understand as much as you can about the effects of child sexual abuse so that you can best support
yourself and your child.
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Don’t:
• Don’t blame your child for what happened.
• Don’t suggest that it would have been better if they had
not told anyone.
• Don’t tell your child that you blame yourself.
• Don’t tell your child to forget it ever happened.
• Don’t tell your child not to talk about it.
• Don’t get upset when your child talks about the abuse.
Moving Forward
Children can recover from sexual abuse with help of supportive
parents and treatment. You are not alone. Many communities have local
Children’s Advocacy Centers that can help with resources, take advantage
of their knowledge and referral. Therapy is part of the healing process.
Effective treatment is available to you and your child as you move forward towards a healthy future. Protect and support your child and take
care of yourself in the process. Your child will need you to be emotionally
available and able to advocate for him or her.
References
1.
2.
3.
4.
Love is Respect
Parents Protect
Office of Attorney General, California
Foster, J. M., & Carson, D. K. (2013). Child sexual abuse in the United States: Perspectives
on assessment and intervention. American Journal of Humanities and Social Sciences, 1(3),
97-108. doi:10.11634/23290781130136
5. Crisma, M., Bascelli, E., Paci, D., & Romito, P. (2004). Adolescents who experienced sexual
abuse: Fears, needs and impediments to disclosure. Child Abuse and Neglect, 28, 1035-1048.
6. RAINN. Talking to your child if you suspect that they are being sexually abused. Retrieved
from http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/child-sexual-abuse/
if-you-suspect
7. London, K., Bruck, M., Ceci, S.J., & Shuman, D.W. (2005). Disclosure of child sexual abuse.
What does the research tell us about the ways that children tell? Psychology, Public Policy,
and Law, 11 (1), 194-226.
8. National ChildTraumatic Stress Network. (2009). Coping with the shock of intrafamilial sexual
abuse. Retrieved from http://nctsn.org/nctsn_assets/pdfs/caring/intrafamilialabuse.pdf
9. Lanktree, C., & Briere, J. (2008). Integrative treatment of complex trauma for children
(ITCT-C): A guide for the treatment of multiply-traumatized children aged eight to twelve
years. Retrieved from http://johnbriere.com/articles.htm
10.National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (2009). What to do if your child discloses sexual
abuse. Retrieved from http://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/assets/pdfs/disclosure.
pdf
11.Better Health Channel. (2012). Sexual abuse: how parents can help their child. Retrieved
from
http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Sexual_abuse_
how_parents_can_help_their_child
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Teaching Sexuality in the Home
Pornography and Other
Technology-Related Concerns
What is pornography? Is it helpful or harmful? These questions can
provoke intense emotional responses and lengthy debates. Pornography
has been used as a tool to enhance sexual relationships, yet it has also
been used to replace or undermined intimate partner relationships.1,2
This chapter will relay evidenced-based research that will assist you in
finding your own answers to these questions.
In attempting to define pornography, people have struggled to create arbitrary boundaries between pornographic and non-pornographic
materials. Does pornography have to include sexual acts such as oral,
vaginal, or anal sex or masturbation? Or is it any genital nudity? These
specific definitions have been debated because they exclude such things
as sexually explicit literature, sexual fetishes, phone sex, or even sexual
animation. Is pornography better defined using broad generalities such as
“the intent to arouse”? While this would certainly include all of the pornographic tributaries, it would also include things that many people may
not define as pornography, such as sensual kissing or sexual gestures. Pornography, like many grey areas, seems to be highly influenced by morals,
Pornography and Other Technology-Related Concerns
76
cultures and individual preferences. You must decide what you consider
to be pornography and use that as a guide when teaching your children
about pornography.
As you refine your definition and purpose of pornography, you will
be more prepared to have intentional and informative conversations with
your children. Opening the lines of communication will help you identify
what your child is being exposed to and what their understanding of pornography is. These conversations allow you the opportunity to instruct
your children on the effects of pornography and how to better protect
themselves from unwanted exposure.
Understanding research regarding pornography assists parents in
explaining the consequences that have been associated with pornography
use. Some of the effects from viewing sexually explicit materials include:
increased sexual activity, increased likelihood of getting pregnant, and
decreased sexual and relationship satisfaction.1,3,4
If you are concerned that your child will be exposed to or will purposely seek out pornographic materials, you can consider managing the
type of media that will be accepted and promoted in your home. The
quality and quantity of media found in the home has been found to effect
a person’s beliefs and behaviors.5 Carefully teaching and reinforcing the
type of media your children watch can have a strong effect on a child’s
sexual understanding and development.
While both sexes view pornography, males are far more likely to
become regularly involved in doing so.1 In addition, pornography exposure that occurs at a young age is associated with more regular use and
more extreme pornographic images later on.6 Exposure to pornography
during childhood is also connected with behavioral, cognitive and emotional issues, such as depression and defiance.6 Knowing what to look for
can help you be more intentional in addressing pornography use earlier.
What if I recognize the warning signs of pornography usage?
Upon recognizing the warning signs that a child is viewing pornography, it may be time for you to intervene. There is no best method for
talking to your children about pornography. It is important, however,
to react calmly when discovering that there may be a problem. A harsh
interrogation has the potential to shut down the child and can lead to
shame. Shame can often lead the child to act out with more pornography
usage. When approaching your child to talk about pornography, make
sure it is done in a sensitive matter.
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Be careful not to jump to conclusions about your child’s behavior,
but seek to understand what led your child to use pornography in the
first place. It is essential to create a safe environment and encourage an
open dialogue between your child and yourself. It can be difficult and
awkward to talk to your children about pornography. Consider talking
with a spouse or trusted friend for specific ways to bring up the topic and
appropriate questions to ask your child. Every child is different and you
should be sensitive to address the topic in a manner fitting to your child’s
personality. A few questions to consider include:
• Was this my child’s first exposure?
• What did my child see?
• Did my child view pornography intentionally?
• How long has my child been viewing pornography?
• How can I prevent future occurrences?
• Has my child’s pornography usage turned into an
addiction?
• Should I seek professional help for my child?
How do I know if my child has a pornography addiction?
Your child may have accidentally encountered pornography
on the internet, through printed media, through sexting, or been introduced by a friend. These encounters with pornographic material can be
a cause for concern. However, such encounters do not mean your child
has a pornography addiction. Pornography addiction is much more involved and becomes a central obsession in the child’s life. Addiction can
be defined as a “term used to describe an uncontrollable compulsion to
repeat a behavior regardless of its negative consequences.”7 Pornography
addiction is the “compulsive attempt to meet legitimate emotional needs
through viewing pornography and seeking sexual gratification, generally
through masturbation.”7 These definitions can be helpful as you consider
whether your child has reached a point with pornography usage that may
require additional support and treatment. The following list has commonly accepted criteria for pornography addiction:
• Recurrent failure to resist impulses to view pornography
• More extensive/longer viewing of pornography than
intended
• Ongoing, but unsuccessful, efforts to stop, reduce, or
control behavior
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78
• Excessive amount of time spent obtaining pornography, viewing pornography, and/or being sexual—either
through masturbation or with another person or object,
or recovering from sexual experiences
• Feeling preoccupied with fantasy, sexualized thoughts,
and/or preparatory activities
• Viewing pornography takes significant time away from
obligations: occupational, academic, domestic, or social
• Continuation of behavior despite consequences
• Tolerance - More frequent or intense pornography is
needed over time to obtain the desired result
• Deliberately limiting social, occupational, or recreational activities in order to keep time open for finding and
viewing pornography
• Withdrawal - Distress, restlessness, or irritability if unable to view pornography. Symptoms may also include:
dizziness, body aches, headaches, sleeplessness, anxiety,
mood swings, and depression.
Where can I get help for my child’s pornography addiction?
For parents whose children accidentally encountered pornography,
curiously explored pornography, or even repeatedly sought ought pornography, there are ample resources to help your child limit or block
their exposure to pornography. The following list may be helpful in limiting access to pornography:
• Internet filter on computers and electronic devices
• Parental locks on computers, televisions, and electronic
devices
• Establishing a curfew for when children must stop using
electronic devices
• Keeping the computer and electronic devices in a
high-traffic room
• Setting rules, limits, and expectations with your children
• Regularly checking up with children to monitor progress
• Educating children on the addictive nature of
pornography
If your child has developed a pornography addiction, greater interventions may be needed in addition to the list above. Such interventions may include self-help books on overcoming pornography addiction,
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therapy, or even an addiction recovery program. In deciding how to best
protect your child from pornography, it is important to understand the
sexual content that your child might encounter while using media or social media.
Media
Regardless of your personal values regarding sexuality, it is important to keep in mind that media is a prominent part of the culture that
your children are growing up in and can be very influential in their lives.
Therefore, it is important to consider your own values and what you
want your children to know and gain from their media experience. The
intent of this section is not to influence you to encourage or restrict your
children’s media use; rather, this section is to make you aware of what
your children will likely encounter so you can be informed as you make
decisions regarding their media use.
Media is a broad term that includes many different mediums. In this
section we will discuss: books, television, movies, music, video games,
cell phone usage, and social media.
Books
Reading is an important aspect of your child’s educational and social development. Keep in mind that it is likely that not all literature will
align with your values. Some books promote abstinence while others
celebrate the free expression of sexuality. Being mindful of the types of
books that your children are reading and the content therein will help
you to more effectively talk to your children about what they might encounter in books and how the content fits in with your family’s value
system. Something else to consider is at what age you are comfortable
with your children reading various types of literature. Some books may
not be appropriate for younger children. Refer to chapters two and three
-along with using your own values- for age appropriate sexual education
and judge accordingly.
Television and Movies
Television and movies constitute the largest medium that children
encounter. It is estimated that the average teenager spends over two and a
half hours in front of the television per day.8 Sexual content is becoming
more and more explicit on television. What was once banned on television is now on Primetime. Keep in mind that certain channels contain
more explicit sexual material than others. Some television channels are
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80
geared toward an adult audience and if you are not comfortable with
your children watching these channels, you may consider blocking them.
Something else to consider is the commercials presented during television shows. Even if the program that your child is watching is consistent
with your values, the things that your children see during commercial
breaks may not be.
An additional consideration is that movie ratings do not necessarily
mean the same thing that they did when you were young. Content that
was only found in R rated movies is now often included in PG-13 movies. If you have concerns about what your child will be exposed to when
going to the movies, you can find out why the movie received the rating
that it did and what types of sexual material it includes, and make a decision from there. One website that allows you to do this is http://www.
kids-in-mind.com.
Music
Music is another large part of many young people’s world. Often
the lyrics to songs include subtle and not so subtle sexual innuendos.
If you are concerned about the messages your children are getting in
their music, consider listening to your children’s music.There are various
websites that provide song lyrics, allowing you to decide if your child’s
music choices match your values.
Video Games
Some video games are becoming increasingly explicit in their sexual
content. Understanding video game ratings is helpful for understanding
what level of sexual content is present in a video game. Video games that
are rated “E” (everyone) typically do not include sexual material, and are
intended for all ages. “E10+” (everyone age 10+) games may contain
minimal suggestive themes, and are intended for children over age 10.
“T” (teen) games may contain suggestive themes and/or crude humor,
and are intended for ages 13 and up. “M” (mature) games may contain
sexual content, and are considered appropriate for ages 17 and up. “Adult
Only” games may contain explicit sexual content, and are intended for
ages 18 and up. For more information on video game ratings, see http://
www.esrb.org/ratings/ratings_guide.jsp. It is important to decide what
video games fit with your value system, and discuss this with your child.
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Cell Phones
Cell phones can be very useful, and many children have access to a
cell phone from a young age. However, cell phone use can be dangerous
as well. While texting can be innocent, there is a form of texting that
contains sexual elements. Sexting is a term that means texting plus sex.
Sexting includes many things, such as sending or receiving sexually suggestive, partially nude, or nude pictures via a picture text message.9 Cell
phones can also be used to send text messages with sexually suggestive
themes.
Research indicates that sexting can lead to an increase in several
risky behaviors, such as early sexual behavior, unwanted pregnancy, substance abuse, etc.9 Identify what cell phone behaviors you are uncomfortable with and openly discuss these with your children. Establishing cell
phone usage rules and limitations that fit within your family’s value system may be helpful. For example, if your child has the ability to send text
messages, you may set limits on who they can text, how late they can stay
up texting, and what content is inappropriate to discuss in a text message.
You can also communicate what types of pictures are inappropriate for
picture texts. Some parents may choose to let their children know that
they will monitor the text messages they send.
Youth who sext have an increased risk of:9
• Earlier sexual behavior
• Promiscuity
• Sexually transmitted diseases
• Unwanted Pregnancy
• Substance Abuse
• Bullying and Cyberbullying
• Arrest and Incarceration
• Shame and Guilt
• Depression
• Suicide
• Sexual Abuse or Child Pornography Charges
Social Media
Social media is a booming industry. Social media is defined as “any
website that allows social interaction.”10 Your children can connect with
people from all over the globe, strangers and friends, old and young.They
can be in instant contact with people from all over the world, which also
means that anyone all over the world can talk with your children. For
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82
those children that have smart phones, ipods, and tablets, this access is
even more instant and constant. Social media brings about much good
in the world and allows your children to share their values with a large
audience, but, consequently, their values may also be influenced by this
large audience.
Social media presents a lot of dangers, such as your children being
exposed to sexually explicit content, sharing too much personal information with strangers, or being connected to sexual predators. The information presented below is meant to increase your awareness of what
your child may be exposed too so that you can make a decision regarding
limitations and restrictions of social media based on your value system.
It is important to note that the following is not an exhaustive list;
new social media sites and apps are constantly being produced, but this
list will give you a good idea of the most popular sites at this time.
Youtube
Youtube is a site that allows anyone to publish videos. There are
many uplifting videos on Youtube, but keep in mind that there are few
restrictions made on what can be posted. Videos on this site appeal to
a variety of audiences and age groups and some videos contain sexual
content. One feature of this site is that when you are finished watching
a video it will show suggested videos; because of this, you can watch an
appropriate video and then be given an explicit video as a suggestion. It is
also important to note that anyone can post videos to Youtube, including
your children. Talk with your children about what is appropriate to post
and what is not, according to your value system. If you want, you can
set restrictions on your computer about the types of videos your child
can access. At the bottom of any Youtube webpage, click the box that
says Safety: Off, then click the On button. This will provide some safety
for your children on Youtube. On the Youtube app, swipe the page to the
right and click on the settings buttons. Then, click the “safe search filtering” and click “strict”.
Snapchat
Snapchat is a phone app that allows users to send a photo to a small
group of friends who can then view it for a few seconds. The minimum
age to use Snapchat is 13; when you download the app it will ask for a
date of birth, and if the age is under 13 it will download SnapKidz. SnapKidz does not allow users to send pictures. Keep in mind that it is easy for
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a child to lie about their birth year to gain access to the full app. This app
is commonly used to send fun and goofy pictures to friends. However, it
does have a reputation as being a “sexting app” and can be used as such.
One way to make sure your child is safe while using Snapchat is to have a
conversation with them about having respect for themselves and others.11
Tumblr
Tumblr is a blogging site that allows users to post blog entries on
the site and follow other users. When creating an account, you select
topics that you are interested in, and then the content that is displayed
in your feed is geared toward your declared interests. It is important to
note that this site is designed to be 17+. This means that when signing up
for this site you are not able to create an account if your birthday shows
that you are younger than 17. This suggests that the content is geared for
an adult audience. Like other sites discussed, it is easy for children to lie
about their age to be able to create an account. Another feature of this site
is its relative lack of security; you are not able to set restrictions. Keep
in mind that your child may encounter explicit content on this site. This
site also allows you to message and contact other users on the site. Users
are on the site under a different name and without a picture. Therefore, it
is difficult to tell who your child is communicating with. If you have the
restrictions setting turned on on your child’s cell phone, they will not be
able to download this app due to its 17+ requirement.
Facebook
Facebook is certainly one of the most common social media sites.
Facebook is a website where you can connect with friends, post pictures,
share status updates, and chat privately with friends. Facebook provides
the ability to restrict access and content. It is possible to make your account private and unsearchable.You can also make the content private so
people have to “add you as a friend” before they can see your pictures.
Keep in mind that there are different layers of privacy that you might
want to apply. For example, there is a picture setting that allows you to
choose who can see the pictures you post on Facebook. The three options
are: only friends, friends of friends, or anyone. If you select the “friends of
friends” option, and a friend “likes” your photo, your photo will show in
their newsfeed and can be seen by all of their friends. How much privacy
you want your children to apply to their account is up to your discretion,
and being aware of the privacy options possible will aid you to teach these
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84
things to your child and feel more secure in letting your child connect
with their friends on Facebook.
Sexual content is limited on this website. Users have the option to
report inappropriate content and Facebook will make an effort to remove it from the site. Just be aware that your child might encounter
material that is too mature for their age and/or against your value system
that may not be explicit enough to report. The site requires you to enter
your birthday when signing up. Facebook provides extra protection to
users that are between 13-17 years of age (individuals under the age of
13 will not be allowed to sign up). It is not uncommon for children to
lie about their age when creating a Facebook account. Monitoring your
child’s friends, pictures, and other content, as well as talking openly with
your children, can be an effective means of ensuring you know what your
child is encountering. One way to monitor their activity is to create your
own Facebook account and “friend” them. Some parents find that knowing all their children’s passwords to their social media sites is another
helpful means of monitoring. However, be cautious in how much you
choose to monitor, because too much control might lead your children to
create another account and use it without your knowledge.
Twitter
Twitter is a social networking site which allows users to send short
texts called “tweets.” Each user designs a unique username and may or
may not have their name associated with this username. Twitter does not
have many restrictions. It is possible for your child to encounter “tweets”
that present information that is against your value system or inappropriate for your child’s age.
Vine
Vine is a social media app that allows the user to record and share
short looping videos. This app comes with some of the same risks as other sites. Despite efforts to monitor the videos posted by users, sexually
explicit content still circulates.12
Instagram
Instagram is a social media site that allows users to post and view
pictures. Users have the option to make their profile public or private.
Making a profile public allows any user to “follow” you or, in other words,
be able to view all of your pictures. When a profile is private, the user
has to approve anyone requesting to follow them. In deciding whether
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your child’s profile should be private or public, consider your own values
and the maturity level of your child. This site is relatively safe, but a child
could encounter and/or post provocative photos. One way that you can
monitor your child’s use of this site is to create your own profile and
“follow” your child.
Blogs
Blogs more commonly allow people to publish their written
thoughts on the internet. There are many different blogs based around
various topics. Like all other things on the internet, your child could
encounter sexually explicit content on a blog. One of the major concerns
with blogging is that it is easy to share too much information. This is a
dangerous trap that may make your child an easier target for online sexual predators. It may be helpful to have a conversation with your child
about what is appropriate information to share and what is not. Help
them understand the dangers of giving personal information, such as
their address, phone number, where they go to school, etc. To monitor
what your child posts, consider reviewing what your child has written
before they post it online or follow their blog.13
Tinder
Tinder is an app designed for dating. An individual makes a profile
that includes two or five pictures. They are then shown a series of people
of the opposite gender and if they like what they see they swipe one way
and, if not, they ignore it. Meanwhile, their profile is being shown to
users of the opposite sex. If you “like” someone who has also “liked” your
profile you are matched.You have the option to chat with any matches on
the app, where you can share more personal and contact information if
you choose. While this application was originally designed with dating in
mind, many users use it to “hook-up”.
Chat Rooms
Chat rooms are websites that allow people to communicate via typing messages to other people over the internet. The socialization that occurs in a chat room can be positive. However, there are some potential
dangers to be aware of when letting your child use chat rooms. Due to
the online nature of chat rooms, your child will likely be chatting with
strangers that they meet online. These strangers could lie about their
identity and portray themselves as youths or members of the opposite
sex when in reality they are not. They may ask your child for personal or
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86
contact information. Some may introduce your children to sexual material. Others may ask your children to meet them in real life. For example,
a sexual predator might pretend to be a teenager who wants to meet up
to hang out with your child.
Identify what behaviors you are comfortable with and discuss them
openly and lovingly with your child. Involving your child in the establishment of rules or limits that will fit with your family’s value system
will increase the likelihood that your child will follow the rules. It may
be beneficial to be specific with your child regarding what personal information they are allowed to share in a chat room. You may choose to
monitor the conversations your child has in a chat room. If this is the case,
consider letting your child know you will be reading their conversations
beforehand so you can address and frustrations they have in an understanding way.
Sometimes your child will want to do something in a chat room
you are not comfortable with. For example, it can be tempting for a child
who feels like they have developed a friendship with someone in a chat
room to want to go meet them in real life if the person asks them to. Be
willing to be patient with your child and explain that because you love
them and want them to be safe this might not be an option. Work with
them to establish rules on what they can and cannot do. For instance,
some parents might be willing to let their child meet someone from a
chat room as long as they go with the child. Create rules that fit with
your value system.
Restrictions
The type and amount of restrictions you put on your child’s social
media sites should be based on your personal and family values and the
maturity level of your child. Presented here are a few tips on how to set
restrictions. On an iPhone, you can set restrictions on the use of various
apps, such as whether apps can be deleted, whether apps can be added,
and various other things. If you choose to set these restrictions on your
child’s iPhone, iPod, or iPad, you will have to enter a password before any
action can be taken.
The types of media that your child will encounter are vast and it
will likely be hard for you to set enough restrictions to ensure that your
child will not encounter any explicit material. Therefore, in addition to
restrictions, it is necessary to cultivate an environment of open, honest
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discussion where children will feel comfortable asking questions and reporting anything that they saw that they were not comfortable with.
Social media is a large part of life and it is hard to avoid. Set restrictions that align with your values, but keep in mind that youth can and
often will find access to it. By banning all use of social media, children
may go behind your back and use it anyway. The best way to monitor
what your children do is to foster an open relationship and explain your
values. Being “friends” with or “following” your child on their various
social media accounts is a useful way to monitor what they are doing.
However, keep in mind that it is not uncommon for children to create
a fake account where they can exhibit different types of behavior where
their parents cannot see. Therefore, the best way to monitor and protect
your child’s use on social media is to establish an open, honest relationship with them. Discuss these things with them early and often. If you
approach the conversation with genuine interest about your child’s use
of social media, they will likely be excited to explain and share their favorite sites with you. If the conversation is approached with fear and in
an intrusive manner, they will likely become defensive and shut down.11
Things to Remember
• The restrictions and guides you might decide to establish could be different as your child ages. For example,
a website that you would not feel comfortable letting
your 10 year old create an account on might be appropriate for your 16 year old.
• Some apps are 17+
• Digital Footprint- Anything done online can be traced.
Many college admissions offices and potential employers
will search names and learn about an individual based on
what they have posted online. People have lost jobs and
received rejection letters due to their inappropriate use
of social media. Help your child understand that the way
their social media use can have lasting consequences.
Terms to Know
App: App is short for application. When used in this form, it refers
to applications found on smart phones, iPods, and iPads.
Blog: A discussion or informational site posted on the internet.
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88
Hashtag: A hashtag (#) is a key word from a tweet or a post that
then becomes searchable. For example: #socialmediasafety
Hook-up: A one time sexual encounter with someone who is a
stranger, acquaintance, or friend. This encounter may or may
not include sexual intercourse.14 For example, a one night
stand is considered to be a hookup.
References
1. Carroll, J. S., Padilla-Walker, L. M., Nelson, L. J., Olson, C. D., Barry, C. M., & Madsen, S.
D. (2008). Generation xxx pornography acceptance and use among emerging adults. Journal
of Adolescent Research, 23(1), 6-30.
2. Bleakley, A., Hennessy, M., Fishbein, M., Jordan, A. (2008). It works both ways: The
relationship between exposure to sexual content in the media and adolescent sexual behavior.
Media Psychology, 11(4), 443-461.
3. Ybarra, M. (2005). Exposure to internet pornography among children and adolescents: A
national survey. Cyberpsychology & Behavior, 8(5), 473-486.
4. Chandra, A., Martino, S. C., Collins, R. L., Elliott, M. N., Berry, S. H., Kanouse, D. E., &
Miu, A. (2008). Does watching sex on television predict teen pregnancy? Findings from a
national longitudinal survey of youth. Pediatrics, 122(5), 1047-1054.
5. Sabina, C. (2008). The nature and dynamics of internet pornography exposure for youth.
Cyberpsychology & Behavior, 11(6), 691-693.
6. Ibid.
7. Skinner, K. B. (2005).Treating pornography addiction:The essential tools for recovery. Provo,
Utah: Growth Climate Inc. 8.
8. Rideout, V. J., Foehr, U. G., & Roberts, D. F. (2010). Generation M2: Media in the Lives
of 8 to 18 year olds. The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation. Retrieved from http://
kaiserfamilyfoundation.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/8010.pdf
9. Ahern, N. R., & Mechling, B.(2013) Sexting: Serious problems for youth. Journal of
Psychosocial Nursing & Mental Health Services, 51(7), 22-30.
10.American Academy of Pediatrics (2011) Clinical report: The impact of social media on
children, adolescents, and families. Pediatrics, 127(4), 800-804. doi:10.1542/peds.20110054http://www.connectsafely.org/wp-content/uploads/snapchat_guide.pdf
11.Connect Safely (2013). A parents’ guide to Snapchat. Retrieved from http://www.
connectsafely.org/wp-content/uploads/snapchat_guide.pdf
12.Kay, M. (2013). Vine: What it is and what parents need to know. Retrieved from http://
internet-safety.yoursphere.com/2013/06/vine-what-it-is-and-what-parents-need-to-know/
13.Microsoft (2014). Safety tips on blogging. Retrieved from http://www.microsoft.com/
security/family-safety/blogging.aspx
14.Fortunato, L., Young, A. M., Boyd, C. J., & Fons, C. E. (2010). Hook-up sexual experiences
and problem behaviors among adolescents. Journal of Child and Adolescent Substance Abuse,
19, 261-278. doi:10.1080/1067828X.2010.488965
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
Skills to Teach Your Children
The purpose of this chapter is to provide you with the skills to teach
your child how to be safe. It is important to recognize that sometimes
bad things happen that you could not have stopped. However, by teaching
your children these skills, you will provide them with tools that can help
keep them safe. The following skills will help you teach your child to be
assertive and resilient in order to help them be as prepared for situations
where they may be at risk.
How to Teach Your Child to be Assertive
Teaching the Skill of Communication
In order for your child to become assertive, he or she must learn
how to communicate openly, honestly, and straightforwardly. As a parent,
it is a great opportunity for you to model assertive behavior for your
child. Your child will watch your interactions with friends, family members, and colleagues, and this is a positive way to show your child what
it means to be assertive.1 A skill that is of great value to teach your child
is how to express negative thoughts in a way that is healthy. If your child
comes home from school looking unhappy, encourage your child to talk
to you concerning what they are experiencing. Express to them that it is
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90
a safe place for them to talk to you. It is vital that your child learns how
to confront others and express their values. For example, if your child is
being bullied at school, teach your child how to confront the situation
assertively and how to talk to the other child.2 This skill helps if your child
is in an unsafe situation. If your child has established a pattern of expressing their thoughts, it will be easier for them to be assertive at times when
they are feeling unsafe.
Teach your child how to say “no”. Additionally, teach your child
about safety through a discussion of who you consider safe people and
places in your child’s life. Help your child create a list of these people and
places. Instill in your child that strangers are not safe people and to stay
out of situations where the child is not in a safe place or near safe people.
Once you have helped your child learn how to express their thoughts, it
is imperative that you teach your child how to say “no” to unsafe people
and situations. Teach your children that they can choose and give them
the confidence to say “no” to things that they are not comfortable.You can
practice this with your child by giving them scenarios and asking how the
child how he or she would respond.3
Giving young children the opportunity to talk to adults is another
way to improve their communication skills. For example, when going
out to a restaurant allow your children to place their own orders. This
gives the child an opportunity to learn to speak up and talk to an adult.
When shopping at the grocery store, if your child has a question, let your
child ask an employee the question. Many parents may take their children
to the library and this is another opportunity to let your child learn to
do the talking and become more comfortable speaking to adults. If your
child wants to find a specific book, let him or her ask the librarian. Other
simple ways that can help a child to learn to communicate is to spend
time each day listening to your child and encouraging him or her to express their ideas. Create a safe place that is positive and non-judgmental.
As a parent, if you learn to intentionally listen when your children are
young, then when your children are older they will feel more comfortable coming to you to talk about the important things in their lives.1
Teaching the Skill of Expressing Feelings
A skill that is important for children to learn is how to express
their feelings to you. To teach your child this skill, it is necessary for
you to help your child understand why accurately identifying emotions is
important and why it is important to be able to talk about their feelings
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with those whom they trust. Once you have laid this foundation, you can
practice by having your child identify as many emotions as possible.When
you have established a comfortable dialogue with your child, you will be
able to ask them how they are feeling if you ever feel concern for their
safety or well-being. When you open this dialogue it is essential to be a
good listener and try to understand how your child is really feeling. This
will teach your child that their thoughts and feelings are important and
that they have a right to express them.Your child will begin to understand
that he or she deserves to be treated with respect.4
Along with this ability to express emotion is teaching your child to
identify their needs and wants and to ask for them. A child must understand that asking for their needs and wants is an acceptable behavior. As
children learn to do this they will increase their ability to be assertive. If a
situation arises where your child expresses to you that he or she is upset,
question them to figure out why and encourage him or her to tell you
what needs are not being met. As you make this a norm in your relationship with your child, your child will learn how to be assertive. The old
adage that honesty is the best policy still holds true today and this skill is
best taught by example of the parents.3
Teaching Your Child Mindfulness and Coping Skills
Mindfulness is a skill that can help your child develop assertiveness.
If your child is taught how to be aware of what his or her mind and gut are
saying and how to listen to them, your child will be better prepared to be
assertive in situations that are uncomfortable and unsafe.Teach your child
to listen to these feelings in their gut, mind and heart and how to talk to
someone that is a safe person about how they are feeling.3
Helping your child to learn to self-soothe through coping techniques when they encounter difficult circumstances is an important way
assist your child during stressful times. One way to discover things that
can be used as coping strategies is to have a brainstorming session with
your child about things he or she likes to do. For example, if your child
likes to play basketball, he or she can go out and shoot some hoops when
feeling stressed and overwhelmed. This kind of physical activity can help
children keep their mind and body busy. Other children may choose to
draw a picture, play a musical instrument, etc. These coping skills will be
vital to building assertiveness in your child and also in assisting recovery
in children who have been abused.4 If your child has been abused, it is important to teach your child how to “surf the urge” (to not act out on imSkills to TeachYour Children
92
pulses). Abuse can cause a child to have impulses and cravings to arouse
themselves or act out on others. These cravings rarely last longer than 30
minutes, so it can be helpful for children to learn to distract themselves
with the coping skills mentioned above, to “ride out” the urge.5
Teaching Your Child to be Resilient
There are some basic things that you can do as a parent to teach
your child how to be resilient. By teaching your child skills like how to
take care of him or herself, such as how to clean his or her own bedroom,
dress him or herself, or brush his or her own teeth (age permitting), your
child will feel empowered. This can also be achieved through involving
your child in extra-curricular activities, like playing an instrument or a
sport.This can provide your child with feelings of empowerment through
the mastery of a skill. Another method is having your child care for a
pet in order to give them a feeling of ownership. By allowing your child
to take on some responsibilities and teaching them skills of how to care
for themselves, your child’s vulnerabilities will decrease. Help your children learn how to set small goals and how to achieve them. Starting with
small goals allows a child to feel success.Your child will be more resilient,
which in turn can lead to increased assertiveness in difficult or unsafe
circumstances that your child may face.4
Teaching Your Child to be a Leader
Teach your child to be a leader through giving them courage to
stand up and lead when it is needed. Children will need confidence to
step out and lead, especially when no peers are taking that first step to do
so. Teaching your child to be confident from a young age can be achieved
through positive reinforcement when a child takes the initiative to do
something kind or helpful on his or her own.6 Building confidence in
your child can also be achieved by finding ways to nurture positive elements in their life. A child that has the skills of a leader will be able to
stand up for their values and beliefs. They will have the confidence to
know how to face opposition, ridicule and rejection and pressure from
their peers.3
Another way to build confidence and teach leadership in children is
to lead by example. Children are very perceptive and know when there is
a double standard in the family. If your child should be put in a difficult
or uncomfortable position while with a group of peers, the ability to be
a leader, to step forward and to say “no” to something that does not feel
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right, a valuable skill. In addition, to teach your child to be a leader and
to be resilient is to teach him or her how to make a decision. Helping a
child to choose between two options and identify what the various results would be for each option is a way to help your child learn to make
decisions. Learning how to weigh consequences and logically think of
outcomes is a skill that will benefit your child.6 A child that learns the
above listed skills will have the ability to make difficult choices when put
in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation.
1
References
1. Miller, L. (2006 , March).What can I teach my child. Retrieved from: http://www.uscucedd.
org/downloads/products_publications/parent_resources/keeping_safe/
2. Tartakovsky, M. (2013). Raising Assertive Kids. Retrieved from: http://psychcentral.com/
lib/raising-assertive-kids/00011193
3. Health, D. O. (2008). Assert Yourself. Retrieved from: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/
resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51
4. Center, N. C. (2005).Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Retrieved from: http://
tfcbt.musc.edu/
5. Walsh, C. (2005). Urge Surfing. Retrieved from: http://www.mindfulness.org.au/urgesurfing-relapse-prevention/
6. The survival mom. (2014). Retrieved from: http://thesurvivalmom.com/2012/07/07/7vital-skills-to-teach-your-children-that-willtrump-an-ivy-league-education/
Skills to TeachYour Children
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Teaching Sexuality in the Home
Resources
This manual contains a variety of information to assist parents in
knowing what, when, why, and how to talk to children about the topics
revolved around sex. In the process of writing this manual, we discovered that we could not include all the information regarding this topic. In
an effort to provide a much more comprehensive manual, this resource
chapter was added. This chapter includes things like websites, articles,
and agencies that can provide additional information that may not be included in the manual chapters. It should be noted that this list of resources is not a comprehensive list for all the resources in Utah on this topic.
The information provided focuses on Utah residents; however, many of
the resources can be accessed online wherever you are.
It is important to know that the information provided in this chapter is intended to educate parents and children. These resources should
be used as tools, so it is advised that you preview the material before
showing it to their child. This is to insure that the resource coincides with
your values system.When reviewing the resources listed, it is encouraged
that you do not rely on the brief summary that is provided. Many of the
resources provide many different types of services depending upon the
different needs of each person or family.You will also notice that each of
the resources have an area of focus in parenthesis. Some resources have
the word “comprehensive” as their focus, meaning that the resource provided information about a lot of different aspects about sex.
Websites
Advocates for Youth
Comprehensive
An organization called Advocates for youth has a website that provides a lot of information about sex education. This organization provides
sex educations for parents and youth. One of the interesting things that
this website includes is several educational resources. The website has
posted lesson plans and activities that you can use with your children.
http://www.advocatesforyouth.org
American Psychological Association
Child sexual abuse
What parents should know in relation to child and adolescent sexual abuse cannot all be contained in this manual. Additional knowledge
Resources
96
pertaining to what the definition of sexual abuse is, what a victim is, what
a perpetrator is, warning signs and symptomology expressed by gender
and age, and further statistical descriptives are conveniently accessible
through the following online resource:
http://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/child-sexual-abuse.aspx
American Sexual Health Association
Comprehensive
The American Sexual Health Association has a website that promotes sexual health. This website provides information regarding STDs,
condoms, teens and young adults talking about sex, reproductive health,
and the reproductive system. This website not only provides a lot of information, but on the site there are references to even more resources,
like books and videos.
http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/
Center for Disease Control and Prevention
Sexually Transmitted Diseases
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) website
provides information about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). It includes information regarding how to get tested for an STD and what you
can do to prevent and treat STDs. The CDC website is a great resource to
answer all types of questions regarding STD’s.
http://www.cdc.gov/
Darkness to Light End Child Sexual Abuse
Child sexual abuse
How and who to report to when there is suspicion of child and adolescent sexual abuse is vital knowledge to have. There are two common
agencies where reports of child and adolescent sexual abuse are reported
most: Child Protective Services and the Police. The following link provides detailed information of the reporting requirements found within
each state. Depending on what state you reside, reporting mandates may
differ.
http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6069283/k.DEE1/
Reporting_Child_Sexual_Abuse_to_the_Authorities.htm
Focus on the Family
Adolescent education
This is a Christian-based resource that provides a variety of information for families. This website provides parents with general knowlTeaching Sexuality in the Home
97
edge about parenting roles and challenges. On the site there is a section
titled “Sexuality”. Inside that link you will find information about how to
teach children about their sexuality.
http://www.focusonthefamily.com
Growing Up Comes First
Preadolescent education
One teaching tool used to present information to pre-adolescent
children is the website Growing up comes first. This website provides
information about puberty and identifies the different changes that boys
and girls experience during puberty. There is a short maturation video
and diagrams of human anatomy that can be used as an educational tool.
It is recommended that parents preview any of this information prior to
sharing information from the website with a child. This will allow parents
to determine if the information that is being taught by this website is
congruent with their values.
http://www.growingupcomesfirst.org/
Kids in Mind
Media sexual content
This website gives parents a rating of sex & nudity, violence & gore,
and profanity in movies. It also provides a more detailed description of
the content contained in it. This allows parents to read reviews of movies
to decide whether a movie is appropriate for their children.
http://www.kids-in-mind.com
National Association of School Psychologists
Internet safety
Thirteen strategic guidelines for keeping your children safe, creating online safety contracts between parents and child, and how and who
to report to when there is suspicion of an online predator are emphasized
simplistically for parents below:
http://www.nasponline.org/publications/cq/cq342internetsafety_ho.aspx
National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality
Same-sex Attraction
This online resource provides sixteen tips to help parents
struggling with a child with same-sex attraction, that attempt to keep the
relationship intact and long lasting.
http://www.narth.org/docs/tips.html
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Local Sexual Abuse Resources
The following are agencies located in Utah that deal with sexual
abuse of any severity.
The Center for Women & Children in Crisis
For women and children suffering from domestic violence or sexual assault.
Locations in Utah, Wasatch, and Juab counties.
24 Hour Hotline: (801) 377-5500
Children’s Jusice Center
For children, teenagers and their parents.
257 11th Avenue
Salt Lake City, UT 84103
(385) 468-4560
315 South 100 East
Provo, UT 84606
(801) 851-8554
8282 South 2200 West,
West Jordan, Utah 84088
(385) 468-4580
98 South 100 East
Farmington, UT 84025
(801) 451-3560
C.Y. Roby and Associates
For juvenile and adult sex offenders.
768 East 400 South
Orem, UT 84097
(801) 225-5451
LDS Family Services
Comprehensive
1672 W 700 S, Ste D
Springville, UT 84663
(801) 489-9721
3740 W Market Ctr Dr
Riverton, UT 84065
(801) 240-9436
1190 North 900 East
Provo, UT 84604
(801) 422-7620
615 East 8400 South
Sandy, UT 84070
(801) 566-2556
435 South 500 East
American Fork, UT 84003
(801) 216-8000
724 East 2100 South
Salt Lake City, UT 84106
(801) 487-0499
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132 S State St
Salt Lake City, UT 84111
(801) 240-6808
Family Support & Treament Center
For child sex abuse.
1255 North 1200 West
Orem, UT 84057
(801) 229-1181
ISAT
For victims and sex offenders.
1555 West 2200 South, Suite A
West Valley City, UT 84119
(801) 886-8900
valcarbe@earthlink.net
LIfeStar
For sexual and pornography addictions.
151 East 5600 South, Suite 300
Murray, UT 84107
(801) 462-2150
(888) 980-1600
info@lifestariop.com
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Teaching Sexuality in the Home
Techniques
Communication
Work on your parent-child communication in many settings so
when you talk to your child about sex it will seem natural and normal.
Teach your child listening and speaking skills and increase your one-onone time with your child, that way your children will feel comfortable
talking to you about sex and asking questions. Put specific emphasis on
sharing your values with your children. Your children get information
about sex elsewhere, such as at school, from friends, and the internet,
but they rarely are taught values in these places.
When your child approaches you with a sexually-related question
or comment, you should not humiliate or embarrass the child in any way
(e.g. by acting shocked, laughing, mockery, or acting appalled, disappointed or ashamed). Approach each question honestly. This helps keep
the communication lines open between you and your child. Do not be
funny or sarcastic when talking about sexual issues. Your children will
misinterpret it. It is also important to not make talking about sex-related
issues a big deal. This will probably make the child uncomfortable and
they might be less likely to ask you questions or discuss their concerns
with you in the future. The best way to do this is to create a safe environment where the child feels secure about asking questions, voicing concerns, and sharing thoughts. Parents have the ability to influence their
children, and you want them to get sex information from you rather than
someone else.
Michelle Bahr, LCSW
Randy Huntington, LCSW
Eric Jenkins, LCSW
Rick Clements, LCSW
When to talk to your child
A child should be getting some basic sex education by age five, the
rationale being that with today’s society they will start encountering sex
information earlier and earlier. Have ‘the talk’ every year with your children. As they grow older, they will need updated information. Start small
for younger children, but keep expanding as they grow. They will have
questions, so be open and honest.
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Saying too much too soon can be inappropriate for children. Share
with them at age appropriate levels, ideally before they are finding out
information from unreliable or inappropriate sources. By eight years
old, children should have an understanding of where babies come from
because if they do not hear it from you, they will hear it from someone
else. Remember that if they are old enough to ask questions about sex and
babies they are old enough for an age-appropriate answer.
You should be aware and cautious of age appropriate disclosure and
teaching. When your child approaches you, it is not necessary that you
share in graphic detail or go into additional aspects of sexuality that are
less related to the specific aspect of sex inquired by your child. For example, if your child approaches you and asks what a vagina is, you do not
need to go into discussion about how when a female is aroused her vagina
secretes fluids that make back and forth movement of the penis in her
vagina more comfortable.
Rick Clements, LCSW
Bobbie Pugh, CSW
Mike Gardner, MFT
Jackie Webb, LCSW
Preparing to talk to your children about sex
You have to be comfortable talking about sex. If you are not comfortable, your children will be able to feel it and they will also be uncomfortable. Ask yourself, “What conversations have I already had with
my child about sex?” This will allow you to get a feel for what has already
been discussed and to see how comfortable you and your child are in
regards to discussing sex. Anticipate questions that you may not be ready
to address.
Randy Huntington, LCSW
Stop/Go Touches
When talking to a child about appropriate touch, instead of referring to “good touches” and “bad touches” it is better to use the terms
“Stop” touch and “Go” touch. The reason for this change in terms is to
avoid problems in marriage where your child may struggle with seeing intimate touching between spouses as “bad touch.” For example, “If Mommy is changing your baby sister’s diaper that is a ‘Go’ touch,” or “If you
need to see the doctor that is a ‘Go’ touch.” Most children understand
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the concept of “Stop” signs and “Go” as related to traffic; this comparison
can be a good way to teach the concept of appropriate touch to children.
Children’s Justice Center
Use Proper Names for Anatomy
When teaching sexual body parts, use the proper biological names,
i.e. penis and vagina or neutral terms (private parts), but not slang words
for genital body parts. To do so may send the message to your children
that there is something shameful about these parts of the body. These
body parts are not sexual to a child and we should not teach our children
that it is taboo to use the proper names in referring to them. Another
reason to use appropriate names for anatomy is so they do not become
confused or later embarrassed. Teaching the private nature of genitals is
always appropriate.
From: Randy Huntington, LCSW
Name of the Technique: Parental “Why” Questions
Questions that start with “Why...?” often lead to defensive responses. Think of questions such as “Why didn’t you take out the trash?” and
“Why do you have a C in English?” These questions put us on the defensive because we feel like we’re being attacked or blamed. In order to
create a safe environment for dialogue, it helps not to use “Why?” questions. Instead, try using questions that start with “What” or “How”. For
example, “What was it about today that made it difficult to take out the
trash?” Said gently, these questions can improve the environment to make
way for dialogue.
Eric Jenkins, LCSW
Child “Why” Questions
The “Why” questions children are notorious for asking have to deal
with why they have to or cannot do something. “Why do I have to do
the dishes?” “Why can’t I go to my friend’s house?” “Why do I have to
go to church?” It is true that sometimes these questions are asked to be
rebellious, challenging, or mean. But oftentimes the child asks them out
of genuine curiosity or they hold those ulterior motives while harboring
genuine curiosity underneath. Remember that teens are developing their
ability to think in an abstract and complex manner, which means that
they are seeking information in an attempt to understand and make good
choices. Parents often find that if they respond quickly with “Because
I said so” or “Because that’s what’s good for you” or “Because God says
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so”, the dialogue shuts down and the relationship is hurt. By treating the
question as a sincere one, the parent can show respect for the child by
answering and showing that their questions are important. The answers
need to be full and complete answers. It helps to ask the child if you have
answered the question completely. After giving the child a full answer,
the parent can then say, “Now that I have given you a complete answer, I
expect you to live up to what we’ve discussed.” The parent can also add,
“Because I want to answer your questions to the best of my ability, I expect you to ask more questions if you have them.”
Eric Jenkins, LCSW
Discuss Understanding Before Values
When it comes to high-emotion conversations, parents will often
attempt to enforce their values long before they seek to understand what
led to their children not following them. For instance, if a child decides
not to go to school, a parent might immediately yell, “You are going to
school so get your butt out of bed and get going!” This often damages
the parent-child relationship. One thing parents can do to build the relationship rather than hurt it is to discuss the difficulties the child is having
before they start to bring out their values or expectations. Continuing
from the example above, the parent might ask, “What is it about attending school today that is difficult?” Other options are: “Tell me about what
you’re going through” and “What are the barriers to you being able to go
to school today?” These questions help take judgment out of the question,
if asked with genuine care. After discussing the situation and conveying
love and support for the child going through the struggle, you can then
discuss what you can do together that would help your child be able to
attend school that day. This shows your child you value their thoughts and
emotions and want to understand them before anything else. This does
not mean that the expectation must be changed. For example, the child
would still need to attend school and the parent may need to set a firm
boundary. If the discussion is held and the child feels understood, the
child can better understand that you are working to help the child. You
can express empathy and understanding by saying, “I know that sometimes it is difficult to go to school,” and follow that with a clear statement
of the expectation.
Eric Jenkins, LCSW
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Beware the “But”
Parents will often say something positive to their child and then
finish what they are saying by commenting “but . . . ” For example, a
parent might say, “You did really well washing the dishes, but you didn’t
dry them correctly” or “You have a lot of really good grades, but I’m
worried about this D.” By adding the “but” the child might discount the
positive comment that was said immediately beforehand.This negates any
relationship building efforts intended by the compliment. To avoid this,
replace “but” with “and” or make them two separate sentences entirely.
The sentences would then be “You did really well washing those dishes
(elaborate on this positive). Also, I think the dishes could be dried better.
Let me show you...” This will help keep the positive results of the compliment. It can also teach children that it is acceptable to have conflicting
or multiple emotions. By focusing on their strengths, it shows you see
them as strong.
Eric Jenkins, LCSW
Prefaces before Tough Questions
When discussing difficult issues with a child (such as the topics discussed in this manual), it helps to preface the question. You might say, “I
have a tough question for you; if it’s too difficult to answer right now,
we’ll talk about it at a later time.” You could also say, “I think there are
some things we need to talk about, and I have a really important question,
but we’ll get to that later.” These prefaces show the child that the topic
will need to be discussed but is being deferred, which tell the child that
you are in control and not acting impulsively or out of anger. It helps
them feel more at ease because you intimate that you understand the
struggle that the topic may be for the child. It is also helpful to let the
child know if he or she is not ready to answer the question, that the child
can simply state, “I am not ready to talk about that,” rather than lying or
making something up. This is still considered to be the truth. The parent
should be mature enough to accept that the child is not lying, although
he may be manipulating. Work with the child on ways that he or she can
become comfortable with talking about the topic.
Eric Jenkins, LCSW
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Keys to Parenting
Among the many keys to parenting, here are three important ones:
1.Consistency
2.Predictability
3.Safety
For children to feel emotionally secure in the home, these three
keys need to be implemented. Consistency and predictability help children feel secure because they can relax in such an environment. Anxiety
and fear are diminished when they know what to expect. Children also
need to know that their parents want their safety. If their parents’ home
is safe from harmful behaviors, their anxiety at home will also be lower.
This creates an environment where they can develop a trusting relationship with family members.
Eric Jenkins, LCSW
Building a Relationship with a Teen: 4 Principles
Needs and Safety
Abraham Maslow is renowned for his creation of a “hierarchy of
needs”. If we look at a small portion of the hierarchy, he proposes that
before a relationship with someone can be formed their physiological
needs and safety needs must be met. For a parent to build a relationship
with their teen, they must be sure those needs are met. Parents do this by
consistently providing food, water, clothing, shelter, a healthy environment, consistent values, and meeting their psychological need for safety.
Handling Confrontation with Love
Confrontation can be a very healthy or a very unhealthy aspect of
the parent-child relationship. Confrontation can build the relationship or
tear it down. During confrontations (typically focused on misbehavior),
the stereotypical parent uses yelling, name calling, and patronizing. For
confrontation to both guide the child and build the relationship, it needs
to be done with love. This means being calm, seeking to understand the
child’s perspective, and even asking the child how he or she would like
to be confronted. Telling and showing the child that the confrontation is
being done with love, and a desire for their well-being (safety, happiness,
etc.) is most effective at building the relationship while guiding the child.
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Value Their Opinions
When a child feels like you value their opinions, they also feel like
you value them. To show children that you value their opinion, listen to
their opinions, do not mock their opinions, and even compliment them
for their opinion, even it is a bit farfetched. When children ask questions,
listen to the questions, try to find out if you understand what they are
really asking, do your best to answer, and ask if you have answered their
question completely. If you don’t know the answer, be honest by telling
them you don’t know, but show them you value their question by looking
for the answer and following-up with them.You can even involve them in
the answer-seeking process.
Trust them with Responsibility
One way to build a trusting relationship with a child is to show that
you trust them. Give them a responsibility that is important and let them
know it’s because of your trust that they are being given the responsibility. If the trust levels are low, start small and build up.Your willingness to
build trust and show trust can go a long way.
Eric Jenkins, LCSW
Special Play Time
Special play time is a time for you, as the parent, to be the join with
your child in play as an observer. Play is a young child’s language, and you
can learn a great deal about the child’s world as you observe their play.
Set aside time each day or week for special one-on-one time with your
child. Let them lead the play. Do not ask questions such as, “What are
you doing?” or “What’s that?” Allow the child to show you their world
through their play. Be an observer. Become a sports announcer and describe to them their play-by-play. For example, “You put the truck next
to the building.” Be an observer of their play, and participate if they invite
you to play. Follow their lead. Ask what they want you to do, if you are
unsure. Overall, simply observe and be with your child. Let your child
express themselves through play.
Warnings: Beware of any out of the ordinary play behavior. If your
child has encountered an inappropriate sexual experience, chances are it
will come out in their play. If the child becomes a danger to themselves
or to you, as the parent, take action and step in. (Refer to the Assessing/
Interviewing Children for Sexual Abuse Technique.)
Love, Limits, Latitude Parenting Manual
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Values
The most important thing for parents to understand is that they
must know what their values are before they can teach their children.
Since you cannot control what children will hear from fellow students on
the playground or in their kindergarten classes, parents need to decide
what their values are and teach children about sex before they learn it
elsewhere. Normalizing and talking about sexuality from the your value system will provide a filter for your children when they come across
information.
Bobbie Pugh, CSW
Using Books with Younger kids
Sometimes children are more comfortable talking or learning about
sexual topics when it comes in a story format like in a book. However,
when using a book, make sure you have read it before and are comfortable with what it is teaching. Do not just leave a book on their bed for
them to read, but read the books with your children. Ask them questions
and explain things that the book might not make clear, and use your values to guide what books you choose and what you explain that is not in
the book. A few good books are “You were no bigger than a dot” and “A
Very Touching Book...for Little People and for Big People”.
Bobbie Pugh, CSW
Mike Gardner, MFT
Jackie Webb, LCSW
Who has “The Talk”: Choosing the Parent
When trying to decide which parent is going to address sexual topics there are a few things to keep in mind:You can’t predict the future. If
mom talks to the girls and dad talks to the boys, you might run into the
problem that 2, 3, 5 years down the road, that parent isn’t there anymore.
Traveling, divorce, and death, are very real possibilities that should be
considered in deciding who will have the talk. What if you (dad/mom)
are traveling when your son has his first wet dream? Will he talk to you
(mom/dad)?
As you start these talks when your children are young, by the time
they reach adolescence your child should be fine with talking to either
parent if necessary. However, whichever one of you that is approached
by your teen is most likely the parent that particular child is most comTeaching Sexuality in the Home
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fortable with discussing private or sensitive matters. Once you have identified who your child would rather talk to about sexuality, be available.
Rick Clements, LCSW
Bobbie Pugh, CSW
Engage in Activities While Talking
Talking about sex can be uncomfortable for you and your child.
That’s normal, and it gets better as you breach the topic time and time
again. However, sitting down on the couch and making direct eye contact
is not always the best approach to talking about sexuality. Do something
else while talking about these things: shoot hoops, play Mario Brothers,
etc.
Identify what activities (sports, eating, playing a video or board
game, etc.) that your adolescent is comfortable doing or enjoys doing,
then introduce the topic or subject while engaging in the activity together with your child.
Rick Clements, LCSW
Look for Those Opportunities to Talk
When you notice your child commenting on or gesturing about a
sexual related topic or looking curiously at a sexual related image, you
should take that opportunity to ask them questions to discover the extent
of their understanding of what they are saying, doing, or looking at. If
their response indicates a false or incomplete understanding, take that
opportunity to teach correct information about what they were commenting on, gesturing, or looking at. If the images they are looking at are
inappropriate, take that opportunity to ask them why it isn’t appropriate.
If they don’t have an answer, help him or her understand by teaching.
Rick Clements, LCSW
Technology Awareness
As a parent, it is not enough for you to tell your children not to
go to certain websites or use their phone for certain things. You need
passwords, filters, blocks, and security. Have a filter on your internet for
every computer; schedule the internet to shut off at certain hours so that
they cannot have access after certain hours without your password. Even
then, check your browser history and adjust your settings so that your
child cannot delete the history. Everything that can access the internet
should have a password: phones, iPads, iPods, computers, etc. There are
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phone plans that have parental controls that can limit the hours and the
numbers from which a phone can receive messages.
When it comes to those with sexual deviancy problems, it’s like
having alcohol in house with an alcoholic. Do not think that because your
child has a problem with sexual behavior it is any less addictive or requires less serious of an approach. Don’t shame them; just block their
access and be open about what is happening and why. Just like with any
other addiction, they need to be treated for an addiction and they need
your support.
Sachi Jones, LCSW
Options for Monitoring Technology
Technology can introduce children to a wonderful world full of rich
learning opportunities, but it can also expose them to much that is undesirable and harmful. In order to protect your children, today’s parents
need to be stay informed regarding the media and technology their children are using. There are many resources that can help parents keep their
children safe from child predators and adult websites. The following are
two types of electronic tools some parents have found helpful in protecting their children from harm.
Blocking and filtering software:This type of software allows parents
to control which sites are accessed and the amount of time the child can
spend on the computer, smart phone, ipad, etc. Most schools use this
solution; however, it may block sites needed for research and not block
new sites that have not yet been included in the filter. Blocking and filtering software works well for younger children.
Electronic monitoring tools: Monitoring software can also be put
on computers, smart phones, ipads, etc. The settings on this software
can be set to track whatever level of safety you feel you need as a parent.
Available setting options are: monitor programs used, online searches,
files transferred, track downloads, Facebook, and chat messages, and can
even be set to take regular screenshots, and record keystrokes. Some parents who have been faced with the choice of taking away an electronic
device from their adolescent, or not giving them one in the first place,
have found electronic monitoring to be a useful alternative. Electronic
monitoring software allows transparency for parents. It is up to parents
and families to decide which resources they feel are necessary to protect
their children.
Susan Pace, MSW
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Assessing/Interviewing Children for Sexual Abuse
There are a few warning signs that will crop up in your child’s behavior that will clue you in to the need for assessment. Some of these
are obviously scarier than others, but any of these warning signs might
indicate the possibility of sexual abuse. They are as follows:
• When your child starts using Barbies or action figures to
play games with sexual themes; enacting specific sexual
positions such as “69” or anal sex.
• If there is a regression in development such as a potty
trained child beginning to regularly wet the bed.
• When your child suddenly does not want to see certain
people.
• When your child starts displaying sexual knowledge
above their age level such as about body parts, positions,
or language.
• If your child has a sudden decline in school performance.
• Your child’s drastic withdrawal from friends or family,
with no explanation.
• Personality changes, such as your outgoing child becoming withdrawn, or an even-tempered child becoming aggressive, etc.
• Nightmares about dangerous things, such as monsters
chasing them.
Warnings: The presence of these listed warning signs do not guarantee a child has been sexually abused.
Now for the actual guidelines for interviewing your child in the
case of warning signs:
First, it is important to remember that you must remain non-reactive and non-judgmental. If you convey fear, disgust, or anger when
speaking to your child, they may verbally shut down or begin to alter
their answers according to what they think you want to hear. Young children may likely feel intimidated and even adolescents may feel shame
about what has happened because of your reaction. To best communicate
a non-judgmental attitude, you must remember that communication is
highly non-verbal. Facial expressions, voice intonations, and silence can
be far more descriptive of a person’s feelings and beliefs than the words
they are using.
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Second, be careful in the type of questions that you ask. Leading
questions and pre-suppositional questions can be some of the most problematic. Since children are so impressionable, they can be easily led to
giving false information just by the questions you ask. Leading questions
can guide a child towards an answer for which the interviewer may be
searching. Instead of asking, “Did you learn this from Mr. Smith?” A
better question would be, “Where did you learn how to do that?” Rather
than asking, “Did Mr. Smith touch you there?” A better question might
be, “Has anyone ever touched you there?”You also have to avoid pre-suppositional questions. A presuppositional question gives the child a list of
answers to choose from; this may look like, “Did you learn that from
school or your babysitters?” Children may feel pressured to choose the
best answer rather than telling the right answer. A better question could
be, “Where did you learn that?”
Finally, remember that any time you talk about sexual topics with
your children you have a wonderful opportunity to reinforce your values and standards with them. Teaching children about appropriate touch
(only your mom should ever see/touch you where your swim suit covers), correct anatomical verbiage (penis instead of peepee), and that it is
always safe to come talk with your parents (no matter what threats people may make), will arm children with the knowledge to keep themselves
safe from sexual abuse or to quickly stop it if it begins.
Greg Hendrix, LCSW
Creating a Safe Environment for the Talk
The best way for generating a safe environment is to be involved.
The more you are a part of their lives for the little things, the easier it is
to be involved in the big stuff. If you are spending time with your kids
and building an appropriate, solid relationship with them, you can develop opportunities for them to make good choices. Pay attention to where
they are, what they are doing, and who they are with, and let them know
you are noticing. As parents, you should assume that if you aren’t teaching
your children about sex, someone else will. That someone probably will
not have your values and will not teach what you want taught.
If the opportunities to discuss sexual issues do not seem to come
up on their own it’s better to create them than to never have them. It is
very important for you to start age- appropriate discussions about sexual
issues very young, this way both you and your child become comfortable
discussing the topic. Be prepared with specific items to discuss for when
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the right questions or opportunities arise. As your child gets older and the
topics get more complex, you will have already created the atmosphere
in which to have these discussions. Every child, unless developmentally
behind, should know basic sexual facts by junior high, but your job is not
done after sharing the facts.
Ongoing discussions about impulses, physical development, social
pressures and trends about sex, homosexuality, etc. should be a regular
part of your relationship with your child.Talk to your children about what
to do when peers start talking about sex or when they find themselves in
a sexual situation, because their peers will start talking about sex sooner
than you think. Just be human. Talk about sexual topics with candor and
respect. Set the example at home when it comes to inappropriate sexual
content by not watching or listening to it as a parent, so they know what
is not okay. Treat sexual topics in a healthy way as a parent. Don’t hide
the sexual aspects of who you are as a parent, but don’t embarrass your
children. Teach them to be safe about sexual things the same as you teach
them to be safe about anything else that has potential dangers.
When your child comes to you with a problem or questions, don’t
over react. Listen. Ask questions to get all the information you can. Try to
understand your child’s thoughts and feelings; remember what it was like
to be that age. When it comes to your child making decisions about those
problems, allow them to make the choice. Counsel them about reality
and the consequences they face with either choice and then be there for
them. Avoid rash statements and ultimatums. Seek professional support.
Respect them.
Scott Taylor, LCSW
Teach Social Skills
Teach social skills to safeguard against an unhealthy sex life; any
and all positive social skills can help. Social skills regarding sharing a toy,
or inviting a friend over, or doing a homework project with someone,
or whatever, will apply. Respect, understanding, accepting differences,
proper boundaries, and developing personal values are examples of social
skills.
Scott Taylor, LCSW
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Teaching Sexuality in the Home
The Authors
Courtney Baker
Dallas Bean
Wendy Beres
Jessica Bodily
Zachary Bullock
Kristin Byers
Jonathan Case
Jennifer Castillo
Lauren Checketts
Tess Collett
Kerianna Creedon
W. McKay Deveraux
Isabel Gomes
Kristjana Green
Kevin Harmon
Kami Huff
Brianne Johnson
Trent Keppner
Danna Lindemann
Jacob Moss
Susan Pace
Chelsea White
Valerie Payne
Melissa Pomale
Heather Ransom
JoAnn Nybo Rueckert
Nathan Smith
Vanessa Storey
Allie Harrison Taylor
Taylor Thomas
Kevin Walker
Teaching Sexuality in the Home
Teaching Sexuality
in the Home