vol 5-17.pages

advertisement

Vol 5 No. 17

May 26/14

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress drycleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."

"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"

In Greece, it is a wedding tradition to write the names of all single female friends and relatives of the bride on the sole of her shoe. After the wedding, the shoe is examined, and those whose names have worn off are said to be the next in line for marriage.

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a

!

dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the

!

barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

The ancient Greek mathematician and philosopher Pythagoras taught the number

12 had divine, mystical meanings, and he might have been right, because we are practically drowning in examples of use of the number 12.

Because baby pigs grow so quickly, a succession of 48 little pigs were used in the title role during the filming of the 1995 movie hit

"Babe."

The number 12 is highly symbolic in the Bible. It is mentioned 189 times.

- The Tree of Life inside the City of

Heaven yields 12 different kinds of fruit.

- The City of Heaven is described as having three gates in each corner, making 12 in all.

- The first recorded words of

Jesus occurred when he was 12 years old.

- Jesus had 12 apostles, which represented the 12 tribes of

Israel.

A 1 dollar bill, a 5 dollar bill, and a

100 dollar bill all die and go to heaven.

God sees the 1 dollar bill and says he's been good, so he let him in.

He also let the 5 dollar bill in for being good.

When the 100 dollar bill went up to him, God said, "Hmm, well I never see YOU in church."

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

!

I told them to buzz off!!!!!

!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat.

She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away.

She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.

She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight.

Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when

!

she hit the floor. Dead!

!

ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF

!

THE STORY?

!

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.

Events - 2014 !

May 27 - Heritage Guild board meeting !

June 7-8 - Pelly Benefit

Jamboree at the Community Hall !

June 11 - School awards day !

June 14 - Roughriders & Ottawa

Red Blacks play in Regina (if no player strike) !

June 15 - Father’s day !

!!

June 26 - Grad day !

The phrase "

a red letter day

" dates back to 1704, when holy days were marked in red letters in church calendars.

The average American uses eight times as much fuel energy as an average person anywhere else in the world.

The custom of tiered cakes emerged from a game where the bride and groom attempted to kiss over an ever-higher cake without knocking it over.

!

The Bayer Aspirin Company trademarked the brand name

Heroin in 1898.

!

Bowing to pressure from antismoking groups, Hasbro took away Mr. Potato Head's pipe in

1987.

Prior to 1953 the slogan of L&M cigarettes was "just what the doctor ordered."

!

!

!

Denny's restaurants used to be known as Danny's restaurants.

!

The original name for the Bank of

America: the Bank of Italy.

At one time, tulip bulbs were traded on the Amsterdam Stock

Exchange.

While it is a myth that stress can turn hair gray, stress can cause hair loss.

Stress can also alter blood sugar levels, which can cause mood swings, fatigue, hyperglycemia, and metabolic syndrome, a major risk factor for heart attack and diabetes.

A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the o ffi ce playing poker.

"I win!" said Johnson.

Henderson threw down his cards.

"That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!"

"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.

"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"

On May 24, 1626, the Dutch West Indies

Trading Co. bought the island of

Manhattan from Indians, paying with goods worth about $24.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife !

Carolyn listened to the instructor declare,

"It is essential that husbands !

!

and wives know the things that are important to each other." !

He addressed the men, "Can you describe

!

your wife's favourite flower?" !

Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, “Pillsbury All-

Purpose, isn't it honey?" !

And thus began Wally's life of celibacy....

------------------------!

More Laws !

------------------------!

The Law of Volunteering" !

If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

!

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell" !

When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

!

"The Law of Common Sense" !

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

!

"The Law of Reality" !

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

!

"The Law of Self Sacrifice" !

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

!

"Weiler's Law" !

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

!

"Law of Probable Dispersal" !

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

!

"Law of Volunteer Labor" !

People are always available for work in the past tense.

!

"Conway's Law" !

In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

!

"Iron Law of Distribution" !

Them that has, gets.

!

"Law of Drunkenness" !

You can't fall off the floor.

!

"Heller's Law" !

The first myth of management is that it exists.

!

"Main's Law" !

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

!

"Weinberg's Second Law" !

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet."

"Where'd you get that gold watch?" "I won it in a race."

"How many people were in the race?" "Just three: the jewelry store owner, a cop, and me!"

Who wrote perhaps the most famous opening line in literary history:

1830 novel

-

!

"It was a dark and stormy night."

wer ge Bul eor n the ton i ard G

Lyt

Edw

A counsellor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp.

He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counsellor asked, "Why did you bring! an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.

When men rea ch their 60s an cooking. -- Gail

to pieces.

Sheehy ss Juno rules over mar the hearth, and childbirth, hence

the popularity of Ju ne weddings.

"Don't cry because it’s over, smile because it happened!"

Download