How to Live Forever
(and be a pain in the butt while doing so)
Timely Trading: by Jerry Howell
I’d like to live to be a hundred. In fact, my goal is to become a burden. Oh, I know what you’re thinking. How
could anyone want to be a burden? Most people profess the opposite. They say, “When I’m old and decrepit, and
life isn’t worth living, just (select the best choice):
• Shoot me,
• Suffocate me
• Unhook me from life support,
• Stick me in a car with a brick on the accelerator and have it smash into a concrete wall,
• Prop me in front of the TV to watch a continuous loop of the presidential debates. Watch me die in my sleep of
boredom.
People who say these things, of course, are lying. They actually want to live forever, and even when they’re at
death’s door, hold out hope that they’ll get well. This is because deep down, most people are not sure what the
Other Side will be like, or even if there is another side. So I want to linger. I want my kids, their kids, and their
kids’ kids, to feel obligated to visit The Home. They’ll be obligated to wipe oatmeal drool off Grandpa Jerry’s
chin, to change his Depends, and to listen him repeat old baseball and barter stories. All the while, they’ll be
muttering underneath their breath, “When is this codger going to die?” The way I figure it, this will teach them
patience.
To implement my plan, I must take care of myself while I’m young and semi-virile. That’s why, whenever
possible, I go to the gym to go work out. Why, just the other day, after circling the parking lot a dozen times to
get a close spot, I encountered another vehicle in the lot. It was a big old rusted out Ford F-250 Super-cab, about
forty feet long. It probably leaked oil and got eight miles per gallon. On the back was a bumper sticker. It
read, “I support solar power, AND I VOTE!” I wondered: did the truck owner, upon affixing the sticker to the
aforementioned behemoth, recognize anything resembling irony? If he had, he would have laughed himself silly.
And after all, laughter is important to good health.
Another aspect of good health is to reach an “optimal” heart rate while training. However, most guys don’t like to
run on a treadmill or engage in boring jumping jacks. They don’t have to. Just attend aerobics class, not to work
out, but simply to leer at the women. Not only will your eyes be exercised, but your heart rate will go up as well.
However, I’ve found that most women become somehow “standoffish” when you wear mirrored sunglasses.
While I’m on the subject, whatever happened to the thong leotard? I mean, what kind of country is this when the
best fashion statement of the 80’s (“look, I have two butt cheeks!”) is suddenly kaput? If you’re reading this, Mr.
Fashion Designer-- BRING BACK THE THONG LEOTARD. Return to the traditions that made this country
great!
Time was when models clad in thong leotards would do infomercials pitching an array of home fitness equipment.
They perpetrated the myth that if you do crunches, you’ll lose a beer gut. If you hit your glutes, your butt fat will
melt. The truth is—there is no such thing as “spot reducing.” If you don’t believe me, measure the circumference
of your arms. Is your dominant arm smaller than the other? It might be stronger, but I guarantee you, it has just
as much fat. If you want something to hang your clothes on, call now and give them your credit card number. If
you want to get fit, join a gym. SWAT Fitness is on trade. See Kerry.
But exercise is only half the equation. The other half is calorie reduction. It doesn’t matter if you reduce
carbohydrates, sugars, or proteins. If you burn up more calories than you take in, you lose weight. But you
can’t sell many diet books offering that advice. The final key to losing weight is to be born a dude. God’s a
dude. This is why He made it easier for guys to lose weight. I went on a four-day Thanksgiving food orgy at my
sister’s house, came back, and lost half a pound. Conversely, a close female associate of mine, who could be, but is not
necessarily my wife, came back and gained four pounds! Nobody said life was fair.
There are other important things to remember. Cut back on cheese, don’t eat French fries, butter, or mayonnaise, ban
desserts from lunch, no sour cream on the baked potatoes, and don’t drink sugared soda. Also, supplement your dietary
fiber with Metamucil or similar product. Take vitamins and minerals; they can’t hurt. Eat lots of little meals. Drink beer,
but get it from a microbrewery. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t panic, especially when those around you are. Don’t
give up what you love doing, even if everyone else thinks you should. And spend trade. This will improve both our lives,
especially if you pay your commission.
There you have it: solid advice on how we can both make it to the old folks’ home. I can see it now. They’ll have “stretch
and bend” class. Women will be everywhere. The thong leotard will have come back…
Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.