A Perennial Problem
Cast of Characters:
MARY-MARY, who is quite contrary most of the time. PETER-PETER, the selfish, hoarding pumpkin-eater.
Props: Plants, a watering can, and a table set at Center Stage to hold the plants.
Scene: Peter-Peter's plant nursery.
(As the scene begins, PETER-PETER is watering and tending several potted plants. He is very devoted to
his beautiful plants. MARY-MARY enters. She is shopping for some new plants for her unusual
garden.)
PETER-PETER: (To MARY-MARY) Hello. Can I help you find anything?
MARY-MARY: No, thank you. I'm just looking.
PETER-PETER: All right. Just let me know if I can help.
MARY-MARY: I never need help.
PETER-PETER: Oh. All right. (There is a pause as PETER-PETER continues watering and MARY-MARY
continues looking around. Finally, PETER-PETER breaks the silence.) Lovely weather we're having,
isn't it?
MARY-MARY: You think this is lovely weather? I think it's terrible, all gloomy and rainy.
PETER-PETER: Oh. Well, it's good weather for ducks anyway. (Laughs.)
MARY-MARY: (Glares at PETER-PETER.) Very funny. I don't care for ducks.
PETER-PETER: (Realizes that MARY-MARY is particularly grumpy.) How can anyone not like ducks? They
are beautiful and useful creatures who eat the slugs out of our gardens.
MARY-MARY: I think they squawk too much! (PETER-PETER thinks he has realized something about
MARY-MARY. So he tries an experiment with her. He calls out some words to test her.)
PETER-PETER: (To MARY-MARY) Up!
MARY-MARY: (Can't help but respond with the opposite.) Down!
PETER-PETER: Right!
MARY-MARY: Wrong!
PETER-PETER: Black!
MARY-MARY: White!
PETER-PETER: Here!
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MARY-MARY: There!
PETER-PETER: So it is you! The famous Mary-Mary! I've heard about you.
MARY-MARY: No, you haven't.
PETER-PETER: Yes, I have.
MARY-MARY: No, you haven't.
PETER-PETER: I most certainly have. (Stops her as she opens her mouth.) Stop!
MARY-MARY: Stop what?
PETER-PETER: You were going to disagree with me again.
MARY-MARY: No, I wasn't.
PETER-PETER: Yes, you were.
MARY-MARY: No, I
PETER-PETER: (Stopping her again) Stop! That's amazing. You truly are the most contrary person I've
ever met.
MARY-MARY: No, I'm not.
PETER-PETER: Yes, you are! That's where you got your nickname, "Mary, Mary, quite contrary." Because
you disagree with everything anybody has to say! That's quite a strange problem.
MARY-MARY: No, it's not.
PETER-PETER: Well, I think it is.
MARY-MARY: No, it's
PETER-PETER: (Stopping her again) Stop! It's all right. You don't have to be contrary with me.
MARY-MARY: Yes, I do.
PETER-PETER: No, you don't. (Puts his hands up to stop her.) Now, let's just try to have a normal
conversation. Would that be all right?
MARY-MARY: (Struggles not to be contrary and speaks very slowly.) All right.
PETER-PETER: Very good! You see? You can agree with someone else from time to time.
MARY-MARY: (Answering quickly) No, I can't.
PETER-PETER: Sure you can! Now, let's just take it slow. How can I help you?
MARY-MARY: (Trying very hard not to be contrary) I would like some plants for my garden, please.
PETER-PETER: Now we're getting somewhere! Plants for your garden. May I call you Mary? Or do you
prefer Mary-Mary?
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MARY-MARY: I actually prefer MARY-MARY. It makes me sound twice as important. I hope you don't
mind.
PETER-PETER: Of course not. I completely understand. I myself go by my full name – Peter-Peter. Adds
a bit of class, don't you think?
MARY-MARY: I do.
PETER-PETER: Now, you see there? We are agreeing on something.
MARY-MARY: I guess we are. (Smiles.)
PETER-PETER: Now, what kind of flowers do you have growing in your garden currently?
MARY-MARY: Well, let's see. I have silver bells.
PETER-PETER: Oh, that's lovely.
MARY-MARY: And cockle shells.
PETER-PETER: Cockle shells? Those aren't really flowers, are they?
MARY-MARY: Yes, they are.
PETER-PETER: No, they're not. Cockleshells are mollusks – like clams and oysters. They grow in the sea.
MARY-MARY: Well, they're growing in my garden, too!
PETER-PETER: All right, all right. Let's not argue about it. We were doing so well. What other plants do
you have?
MARY-MARY:I have pretty maids.
PETER-PETER: Pretty maids? Is that a kind of perennial? I've never heard of that plant before.
MARY-MARY: I'm not sure if they are perennials, but they're lovely and they stand all in a row.
PETER-PETER: Hmmmm, I thought I knew every plant there was. What do they look like?
MARY-MARY: Well, they are about this tall. (Holds her hand up to her own height.) And they wear lovely
dresses and petticoats.
PETER-PETER: Dresses and petticoats? Like real girls? Do you mean you have real girls standing in your
garden?
MARY-MARY: (Doesn't seem to see anything wrong with this.) Yes. Why? They are very pretty. They
stand right behind the marigolds in a nice straight line.
PETER-PETER: How do you get them to stay there?
MARY-MARY: I simply ask them nicely. Why? Is that a problem?
PETER-PETER: Well, it doesn't seem quite right somehow. I've never heard of a garden like yours before.
It is certainly unconventional.
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MARY-MARY: Well, you know I like to be different.
PETER-PETER: I can see that. So, what kind of "plants" are you looking for today?
MARY-MARY: (Looks around the shop.) I was thinking about growing a few vegetables. Perhaps
pumpkins.
PETER-PETER: Pumpkins?
MARY-MARY: Yes, I thought I could grow some nice big pumpkins. Then I can have pumpkin soup,
pumpkin bread, and pumpkin pie. Do you have any pumpkin plants for sale?
PETER-PETER: (Getting noticeably nervous) Uh, no. No pumpkins. What about zucchini or spaghetti
squash, something delicious like that?
MARY-MARY: Well, those are certainly good choices, too, but I think I'd rather grow some nice round
pumpkins.
PETER-PETER: Well, I'm sorry, but we don't have any pumpkin plants, but thank you for coming in. (Starts
to push MARY-MARY toward the exit. She stops him.)
MARY-MARY: What do you mean you don't have any pumpkin plants? This is a plant nursery. You must
have at least one pumpkin plant around here.
PETER-PETER: (A curious change has come over him.) No, no, I'm sorry. I can't share any of the pumpkin
plants. They're mine. All mine!
MARY-MARY: Why do you need so many pumpkin plants? Couldn't I buy just one little seed? I'll start it
myself.
PETER-PETER: No! No, I can't sell even one little seed. I might starve to death. They are all I eat –
pumpkins! Morning, noon and night – pumpkins! All right, I admit it. I'm a pumpkin-eater! I eat
pumpkins. I built my house with a pumpkin. I drive a pumpkin. I can't live without pumpkins, and
I refuse to share my pumpkins with anyone! Even the famous Mary-Mary.
MARY-MARY: I thought your name sounded familiar! So, you are the very selfish Peter-Peter, the
pumpkin-eater. I've heard about you – living in pumpkins, eating pumpkins, hoarding pumpkins.
You are totally obsessed with pumpkins!
PETER-PETER: Pumpkins are my friends! No one else can have them.
MARY-MARY: Oh, really? And you think I have a problem because I disagree with people? Look in the
mirror, buddy! You could use a few sessions on the therapist's couch yourself, if you know what
I mean. Thanks for your help, but I'll purchase my pumpkin seeds elsewhere and I'll grow the
biggest, most beautiful pumpkins you've ever seen. Ta-ta! (Exits with her nose in the air.)
PETER-PETER: (Calling after her) That's just fine, Mary-Mary! You try to grow big, healthy pumpkins in
that crazy garden of yours! They'll never sprout. Do you hear me? They'll never grow for you!
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THE END
Reference — Nursery Rhymes: "Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater.
Had a wife and couldn't keep her. Put her in a pumpkin shell
And there he kept her very well."
And:
"Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells, And little
maids all in a row."
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