In Pursuit of a Healthy Marriage
Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
For more information contact: Perimeter Church 9500 Medlock Bridge Road, Johns Creek, GA 30097. 678.405.2000
Unit 1
The Myths about Marriage
It‘s Probably Not What You Think It Is
TRUTH
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by memory – Romans 3:23-24 (ESV)
―…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and are justified by his grace as a gift,
through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus...‖
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in Bible –
Although the topic of this series is marriage, it is not just for married people. Be assured that this
study will be relevant for you whether you are single, married, divorced, or remarried. The issues that
will be addressed are spiritual and are common to all people regardless of their marital status. So
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whether you are married, want (or don‘t want) to be married, or wish you weren‘t married, you will
find a benefit of spiritual growth by giving this series your best effort and attention.
The passages on the next page provide a reality check on human nature that is intended to dispel
some myths about marriage that are commonly held by both marrieds and singles. It is recommended
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that you use these passages in your personal worship this week. As you study, see what you can learn
about human nature and think about how this impacts the significant relationships in your life.
Remember to use the PRAISE model for your personal worship: Pray first; Read the text; Ask
questions; Interpret in Context; Summarize applications; and Engage with God in prayer using the 5
Targets of Prayer.
For a full review of PRAISE refer to unit 2 of the Gospel Living series.
Remember that Jesus taught us to be hearers and doers of His words. So it‘s very important that you
think and pray about applying His word to your own life. Your application(s) should be specific and
measurable. If you have trouble thinking of personal applications, try to complete this thought, ―In
response to the teaching in this passage, by God‘s grace I will…‖
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
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Genesis 2 & 3 – Among the important truths these chapters hold, you will find God‘s design for the
marriage relationship, and how that relationship was affected by our original parents‘ fall from glory.
According to Genesis 2:18-25, what was God‘s original intention in creating Eve for Adam?
According to Genesis 3:16, how did their fall from glory affect their relationship? (Hint: the original
Hebrew word translated ―desire‖ means ―to desire control of‖.)
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Isaiah 53 – One of most beautiful passages in all of Scripture, this messianic prophecy dramatically
foreshadows the redemptive purpose of Christ‘s suffering.
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How does Isaiah describe human nature in verses 4-6?
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What sufferings must the Messiah (Christ) endure to redeem such people?
Romans 3:23-24 – The memory verse for this week tells us both the spiritual condition and the way
of redemption for all people.
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In your own words, try to relate these verses to what you learned in Genesis 3 and Isaiah 53.
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Colossians 1:24-27 – This passage reminds us of the one thing that will truly satisfy.
Compare Colossians 1:27 with Romans 3:23-24. What do you think these verses teach about the
human search for lasting satisfaction in life?
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 1
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to summarize Welcome to another section of The Journey. By now, you have probably discovered that your
connection with your Journey Group is a critical component in helping you stay focused on your
spiritual journey. Therefore, be encouraged to stay the course with faithful participation in your group
meetings.
As you pursue what it means to have a healthy marriage you will have to understand (and dismiss)
two commonly held myths about marriage. If you are one of the many people who embrace these
myths, you may be doing so as a matter of conviction or merely out of wishful thinking. But whatever
the case, they are so commonly held that it can be safely said that marriage probably is not what you
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think it is. That may be good news…or bad news depending on your point of view.
The good news is that marriage is not what you think it is, if you think it‘s no better than two different
people trying to find a way to work out their differences and so create some measure of happiness
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out of their lives together. God designed marriage to be far grander than that. But the bad news is
that marriage is not what you think it is, if you think it will be an infatuated lifetime with the most
perfect spouse imaginable. It just doesn‘t work that way. God designed marriage to be grand, but it‘s
only so under certain conditions.
Truth be told, before getting to the altar, most people have an idealized, naïve expectation of
marriage and their marriage partner that simply will not bear up to reality. When infatuation fades and
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reality sets in, many people find themselves mightily disappointed because of their unrealistic
expectations. According to the 1991 best seller The Day America Told the Truth, such marital
disappointment has led to some sobering statistics. One in two marriages ends in divorce. One in
three married people has been unfaithful to their spouse. And one in three married Americans admits
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they don‘t love their spouse. Because of this, the majority of American children never experience the
security of witnessing happily married parents. And yet 95% of all unmarried Americans still want to
be married. Sadly, half of them will enter marriage with such unrealistic expectations that their
inevitable disappointment will ultimately lead to divorce.
But, the 50% of American marriages that don‘t end in divorce aren‘t necessarily a bed of roses, either.
Researchers at the University of California have described five broad categories of these long lasting
marriages that range from the very desirable to the very undesirable.
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3
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ConflictHabituated
Marriage
Devitalized
Marriage
PassiveCongenial
Marriage
Vital
Marriage
Total
Marriage
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
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The Conflict-Habituated couple has constant hassles and arguments. Put them in the same
room and they bicker. This is the married couple that almost seems to like to fight.
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The devitalized couple had a marriage that seemed to start out on the right foot, but
somewhere along the line the flame died out. They are committed to the institution of
marriage, but not to each other. They almost live separate lives in the same house.
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The passive-congenial couple lives on parallel tracks. They are friends – they get along but not best friends. They don‘t understand why other married people fight so much. They
live their lives more separate than together.
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The vital married couple has frequent, mutually valued interaction and good communication.
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They enjoy times of intimacy and are good friends.
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The total married couple‘s lives are deeply interwoven. They are best friends whose goals are
virtually interchangeable. They share a deep satisfaction in their relationship.
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Most couples enter marriage believing they‘re going to have at worst a vital marriage, and probably
will have a total marriage. No one thinks they‘re going to have one of the other three categories of
marriage. Yet that idealism hasn‘t helped the statistics, not even for committed Christians. Why? –
Because so many couples enter marriage embracing (unintentionally, perhaps) at least one of the
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following myths.
Myth #1 – Good marriages develop naturally.
The typical person looking for a marriage partner naïvely expects that if they find the right partner a
good marriage will just tend to happen on its own. But reality proves that this is not the case. Most
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marriages begin with seemingly compatible, well-matched partners. But left to its own, a less than
desirable marriage will typically develop, and only half will survive ―until death do us part‖. Why?
One reason is that most marriages are conceived in the romantic stage, where infatuation is the
driving force of the relationship. You know what infatuation is? It‘s that wonderful heart throb time
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that we all enjoy. Our heart skips a beat when we see our love enter the room. The trouble is that
during this stage we also get a case of ―rose colored glassitus‖ that changes our perception of the
object of our affections. (By the way, the verb, infatuate means ―to cause to be foolish, to deprive of
sound judgment.‖)
What happens when the infatuation stage is over? The reality stage sets in… for good. Suddenly the
frugal husband you admired so much seems cheap. That formerly well-disciplined spouse appears
inflexible, rigid, and even legalistic. And that fun, spontaneous wife that thrilled you before now seems
so unpredictable she‘s driving you crazy. Yes, the honeymoon is over and the recently married person
must go through a process of de-idealizing their partner. It may feel like disillusionment or even like
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 1
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falling out of love. But it is an inevitable process. The trick is to be able to say good-bye to infatuation
and yet still find yourself able to love and admire your spouse.
Many young couples in pre-marital counseling don‘t seem to understand what it means to be in love
and yet not feel the same way they felt before. That‘s because they understand love as that
infatuated feeling. But, if they want to have a rich and lasting marriage, they will have to embrace the
idea that love is primarily a commitment based on the will of God, under-girded by emotion. At
engagement, infatuation serves as the catalyst in the relationship, the driving force that motivates
loving actions and words. But, when infatuation wanes, couples must replace it with commitment,
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which is a far more lasting and dependable motivator of loving behavior.
Another reason that good marriages don‘t develop naturally on their own is explained by the passages
you studied in Genesis, Isaiah, and Romans. Your study showed that the nature of being human is to
be sinful (Romans 3:23), in conflict with one another (Genesis 3:16), and wandering away from God
(Isaiah 53:4-6). This explains why there is usually such a gap between our expectation of marital bliss
and the reality of married life. Broken, sinful people who get married will find difficultly in the
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marriage relationship. Even devoted followers of Christ can have bad marriages. It is due to the
common grace of God (not saving grace) that so many Christian and non-Christian people are able to
enjoy lasting, satisfying marriages. But in our society, this seems to be happening less and less.
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It should be clear to you that a growing spiritual life is vitally important if you want to develop a
healthy marriage. When infatuation leaves, what else will drive us to marital commitment outside of a
relationship with an almighty God who commands husbands to love their wives, and wives to respect
their husbands? The love of man and wife will either be driven by infatuation (which won‘t last) or by
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deep godly character.
Myth #2 – The right mate will meet one‘s deepest needs.
This second myth is another form of unrealistic expectations of one‘s spouse. We all have significant
emotional needs, and to a greater or lesser degree we all fear loneliness, insecurity, boredom,
disappointment, neglect, and mistreatment. But many people think that if they can just find the right
partner, then that deeply felt need would be met. Sometimes this is true in part, but not to the degree
we expect.
If you are single just open your eyes and you‘ll see this myth for what it is. Some of the most bored,
lonely, insecure, neglected people you know are married. Very seldom do you hear people say that
when they were single they had this or that emotional need and being married has totally transformed
their lives. If you are married and feel frustrated that your needs aren‘t being met, don‘t think that
you could fix it by exchanging your marriage for another one. It simply won‘t happen. The answer to
your deepest needs is the abundant life that Jesus promised (see John 10:10).
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
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Or to put it another way, Christ Jesus is your soul‘s one, true hope of glory (see Colossians 1:27). You
were designed for glory. It‘s what you truly crave, and only Jesus can satisfy that need in you. You
were born into this world looking for that elusive something that would make you feel complete. Not
knowing what it was, you pursued counterfeit glories in the garbage heaps of life as you went from fix
to fix, toy to toy, and relationship to relationship looking for lasting satisfaction. But the satisfaction
never lasted until you met Christ. He gives the endless spring of living water that quenches our thirst
(see John 4:10 & 14). Just as you trusted Jesus to meet your need for eternal glory so trust Him now
to meet your deepest needs in this life, whether single or married. The right mate cannot.
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If you buy into the myths about marriage, you are in a no win situation. If you remain single, then
you will simply become disappointed with God, because you are expecting Him to satisfy you with a
spouse. If you marry, your expectations will be too high for your spouse to meet and you will lose
hope. Don‘t buy into these myths. Instead, embrace Christ more fully as your hope of glory, and learn
to embrace the mystery of marriage, which you will learn about in the next unit.
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© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
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EQUIPPING
In Genesis 3:16 you saw that their fall created conflict between Adam and Eve as each would try to
control the other. In what ways have you seen the desire to control manifest itself in relationships
with significant people in your life?
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Have you been embracing either of the myths about marriage? If so, how has this affected your life?
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If single, are you disappointed with God? If married, are you disappointed with your spouse? Could
your disappointment be caused by unrealistic expectations? Or, perhaps by looking for satisfaction in
counterfeit glories? Ask God to help you search your heart and write what you see there.
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How would you apply the insight you gained from Genesis 3:16 and Isaiah 53:4-6 to your own life?
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What should you do? (Remember to think about your need for grace, not about performance.)
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
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ACCOUNTABILITY
Before your Journey Group meeting, think about the questions below. You may be asked any of these
questions and you may be asking them of another group member. These questions will help you to
examine your life in light of the truth you explored this week. They also give other group members an
opportunity to encourage you to live fully for Christ. Space is provided below so you can jot down
notes during the accountability discussions in your group meeting.

How do you plan to respond to the truth you learned this week?
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Have you found that you have embraced the myths about marriage?
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Have you been making stewardship a priority part of your spiritual journey?
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Describe your spiritual journey in terms of your relationship with Jesus.
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Have you been praying for the people on your prayer list?
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How are you doing in developing a personal worship habit?
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Have you been abusing your freedom in Christ as a license to pursue sinful habits?
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© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
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MISSION – STORY TELLING
During this year in The Journey you have learned a lot about what it means to live a missional life.
You‘ve learned that your mission is to share in Jesus‘ mission to make the gospel known by word and
deed to all people across the street, track and ocean. And after investigating missional living, you
began developing the habit of praying missionally and had an opportunity to serve missionally. Now,
you will learn how to tell someone the story of your own spiritual journey. If the thought of this makes
you a little nervous, just consider the advice of the Apostle Peter, who had once fearfully denied Christ
himself, ―…Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the
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hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect…‖ (1 Peter 3:15, NIV).
One way to give the reason for your hope in Jesus is to share your own personal experience of how
you came to trust Him. During this series you will learn to share that experience by writing a 60second testimony. This exercise will help equip you to tell a brief, attractive story about how and why
you became a follower of Jesus. Keep in mind, this exercise is about your own personal journey to
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faith and not a theological defense of the Gospel. You have several weeks to craft your 60-second
testimony, so get started now but don‘t rush the process. You may find the process to be a rich,
spiritual experience in itself. Follow the steps in the process below:
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1. Review the example on the next page of what makes a testimony clear and effective.
2. Think and scribble on the blank page so you can begin to get your thoughts on paper. You
can write, scribble, or draw as you focus on what Jesus has done for you and what knowing
Him means to you. Some questions are listed as food for thought. Don‘t worry about
organizing all your thoughts just yet, just try to get them all on paper and use additional blank
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pages if necessary.
3. Review the tips page to help you organize your thoughts and write your testimony in a clear
and attractive way.
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4. Draft and write your testimony on the pages provided. Keep it short! Focus on the main
points so you will be able to tell your story in about a minute. If you can do this, you will have
no problem sharing more details in conversation when you have the opportunity.
5. Practice telling it naturally so that it doesn‘t sound like a formal presentation. If your
testimony sounds weird to your ears, practice telling it until you can say it in a casual,
conversational style.
6. Share it with your Journey Group to receive feedback and coaching that will help you tell
your story more effectively.
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 1
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EXAMPLE
―I was born and raised in a family that assumed they were Christians. So, as I grew up I assumed that
I was a Christian as well, though later I came to think differently. I met a group of students who were
living a life that was different than mine. I went to church like they did, but they didn‘t talk about
church and religion as much as they talked about a relationship with God that could be found through
the person of Jesus Christ. I began to investigate by attending church and other activities with them
to learn more about what they were talking about. There I began to understand what is called the
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Gospel, the good news that Christ did for us what we can‘t do for ourselves. He died to pay the
penalty that needed to be paid for my own sins, so that by receiving Him, I could have new life and a
new relationship with God. I came to the place where my heart was surrendered to Him and I began
to follow Him. Right away I noticed changes in my life, like peace that I hadn‘t known before and a
new hope about life. I knew I was a different person and gained an assurance that if I died I would
be okay with God. My life began growing and changing from that point on.‖
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EXPLANATION
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This person begins his testimony
I was born and raised in a family that assumed they were Christians. So, as I
by talking about his life before
grew up I assumed that I was a Christian as well, though later I came to think
becoming a Christian.
differently.
Next, he tells how he became a
I met a group of students who were living a life that was different than mine. I
Christian. Note that he included a
went to church like they did, but they didn‘t talk about church and religion as
simple explanation of the Gospel,
which is highlighted here.
much as they talked about a relationship with God that could be found through
the person of Jesus Christ. I began to investigate by attending church and other
activities with them to learn more about what they were talking about. There I
began to understand what is called the Gospel, the good news that Christ did for
us what we can‘t do for ourselves. He died to pay the penalty that needed to be
paid for my own sins, so that by receiving Him, I could have new life and a new
relationship with God. I came to the place where my heart was surrendered to
Him and I began to follow Him.
Lastly, he describes how his life
Right away I noticed changes in my life, like peace that I hadn‘t known before
has changed since becoming a
and a new hope about life. I knew I was a different person and gained an
Christian.
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assurance that if I died I would be okay with God. My life began growing and
changing from that point on.
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 1
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THINK AND SCRIBBLE
Food for thought: How has my life changed since becoming a follower of Christ?
What
has Jesus done for me? How has being a Christian answered my questions about life?
Idea
Generators
What do I enjoy most about being a Christian? What was I searching for before I met Jesus?
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Use this space if drawing a picture helps you think.
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© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
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TIPS
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Organize your testimony around this simple outline to make it easy to follow. You may choose
to modify the outline if you want to emphasize or de-emphasize a certain point.
1. Before I became a Christian
2. How I became a Christian
3. Since I became a Christian
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Write your testimony in the way you naturally speak. You aren‘t presenting a report or
preaching a sermon.
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If you choose to quote Scripture, only use a verse or two that relates to the central point of
your story and wouldn‘t require explanation for it to be understood. You may want to
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paraphrase the verse by using common phrases rather than quoting.

Avoid Christian jargon (e.g. saved, lost, born again, converted, etc.). These words don‘t
always communicate what you intend.
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Remember that most people you meet will say they believe in God, so you will want to talk
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about trusting or following Jesus, rather than having a general faith in God.
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Emphasize why you believe Jesus is real and relevant in your life.
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Avoid talking about any church, denomination or Christian group in a derogatory way.
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Avoid giving the false impression that the Christian life is trouble free.
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Practice telling your story out loud. If you can‘t say it in the way you naturally speak in about
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a minute, it‘s too long.
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Ask yourself if your testimony would connect with someone on a personal level so that they
could identify with your story.
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
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DRAFT
Before I became a Christian….
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How I became a Christian…
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Since I became a Christian…
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
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FINAL VERSION
Before I became a Christian…
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How I became a Christian…
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Since I became a Christian…
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
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SUPPLICATION
―A woman from Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, ‗Give me a drink.‘ 8(For his disciples
had gone away into the city to buy food.) 9The Samaritan woman said to him, ‗How is it that you, a
Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?‘ (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.)
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Jesus answered her. ‗If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‗Give me this
drink,‘ you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.‘‖ – John 4:7-10 (ESV)
Thirsty? Christ is willing to give you living water that satisfies the longing of your soul. All you have to
do is simply ask.
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My prayer request regarding the truth for this week:
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My prayer request regarding a situation in my life:
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Prayer request regarding someone on my prayer list:
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Prayer requests from others in my group:
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―When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better
than I do now.‖ — C. S. Lewis
―God cannot give us happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such
thing.‖ — C. S. Lewis
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 1
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Unit 2
The Mystery of Marriage
The Search for Oneness
TRUTH
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by memory – Ephesians 5:31-32 (ESV)
―31Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall
become one flesh." 32This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the
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church.‖
in Bible –
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Last week you learned about two marriage myths: first, that with the right partner a good marriage
will develop naturally on its own; and second, that the right partner will meet your deepest needs.
Was this teaching difficult for you? Perhaps a light bulb switched on in your head and you understood
for the first time how unrealistic your expectations of marriage have been. Did this realization leave
you discouraged? This is understandable but please know, God’s plan in your singleness or your
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marriage is to show you how wonderfully satisfying your relationship with Him can be. So, embrace
Jesus fully and ask God to satisfy you daily with His presence.
This week you will investigate the two-fold mystery of marriage from two passages of Scripture.
Marriage is a mystery in that God built in the potential for a kind of oneness that cannot be realized
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merely through co-habitation. And secondly, marriage is a mystery in that this oneness is an
astounding illustration of the mystical union of Christ and His Bride, the Church.
It is recommended that you use these passages in your personal worship this week using the PRAISE
model for personal worship: Pray first; Read the text; Ask questions; Interpret in Context;
Summarize applications; and Engage with God in prayer.
Remember how important personal application is.
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 2
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Genesis 2:18-25 – You studied this passage last week, but this week you will take a deeper look.
Last week you discovered that God created Eve with equal dignity and value to be a complementary
partner for Adam. How would you describe Adam’s response when God presented Eve to him (v 23)?
Verse 24 is sometimes called the leaving and cleaving verse. A man is to leave his parents and cleave
to (unite with) his wife. The idea is that there is an important reason that a man’s union with his wife
trumps his union with his parents. What is that reason?
What do you think is the significance of the mention of nakedness in verse 25? Why is the absence of
shame important to mention?
Ephesians 5:21-33 – In this passage Paul describes how Christian husbands and wives are to relate
to one another and he quotes Genesis 2:24 as the reason for giving this instruction.
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Describe the difference between the roles assigned to husbands and wives in verses 22-24.
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In verses 25-33 Paul describes the duty each partner owes to his or her spouse. How would you
summarize the essential difference between a husband’s and wife’s responsibility in marriage?
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Why do you think Paul quoted Genesis 2:24 in this passage? Why is this verse important here?
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
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to summarize Last week you examined two false expectations about marriage and hopefully you now agree that
finding the right partner won’t guarantee a good marriage, nor will finding the right partner meet your
deepest need. So, should we conclude that marriage is generally more difficult than rewarding and is
therefore not to be desired?
Not so. Marriage is a good thing and the false myths about marriage don’t diminish God’s grand
design for it. He intended that husbands and wives experience a depth of oneness in marriage that is
so satisfying and lasting that it serves as the clearest illustration of the bond between Christ and his
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Church. In other words marriage was given to teach us how to rightly relate to Jesus. You may
wonder whether, in this fallen world, such a unity between a sinful man and a sinful woman is
possible. Certainly it is. Otherwise, marriage could never be a picture of Christ’s mystical union with
the Church. However, Paul declares that marital oneness is a profound mystery, both in terms of the
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spiritual union it symbolizes, and in how it is achieved in a fallen world.
So, assuming that oneness is possible in our marriages how is it to be achieved? How can two fallen
people become one? It certainly is not what most people experience. The answer is found in
recognizing that marriage can only reflect Christ’s oneness with His Church when husbands and wives
follow God’s pattern for the marriage relationship as seen in Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5.
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This pattern is introduced in Ephesians 5:21 with this first requirement for experiencing oneness,
―Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.‖ Now, even this general command is daunting for
it requires that both partners possess a selfless heart in order to experience oneness. And apart from
Christ’s work, your fallen human heart simply lacks the capacity for selflessness when your spouse is
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unlovable, mean, rude, ugly, and inconsiderate. It simply will not happen naturally. Our society
typically has a narcissistic attitude about God. That is, we treat Him as if His sole reason for existence
is to meet our needs and ensure our happiness. We know the reverse is true, that in fact, our purpose
for existence is to glorify Him. But, this narcissism can slowly poison our attitude toward our spouse,
so that we come to think of that person as existing primarily to meet our needs. We become, as it
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were, a tick on a dog. Unfortunately, in many marriages there are two ticks and no dog.
But the good news is that if you are a follower of Christ, He has created a new heart in you and given
you a new capacity to be selfless that surpasses human nature (see II Corinthians 5:17). So for you,
there is a true hope of experiencing oneness with your spouse when you both have hearts that are
transformed by Christ and your goal is to focus more on your partner’s needs than on your own.
This should make you aware of the impact your spiritual pilgrimage can have on the quality of your
marriage. A changed heart is so vitally important to marital oneness. If you are experiencing
disappointment in marriage, if the relationship is stretched to the breaking point, look first at your
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 2
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spiritual pilgrimage, not the marriage itself. If you are single and desiring marriage, commit yourself to
the spiritual development of a selfless heart, both in yourself and in your future partner.
A second requirement for experiencing oneness in marriage is that both partners must assume their
God-given roles. Paul describes these roles in Ephesians 5:22-24. Husbands must lead their wives,
following Christ’s example of the servant-leader. Wives must be subject to their husbands, following
Christ’s example of voluntary submission.
Our society has largely rejected the concept of male leadership in marriage because it is thought that
it implies male superiority or provides an excuse for male domination. Nothing could be further from
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the truth. Non-Christian cultures often treat women as lower-class citizens who might be viewed as
mere property, but the gospel invariably exalts the position of women in marriage and society. Let us
be perfectly clear that neither Paul nor the rest of Scripture teaches a masculine superiority and
feminine inferiority. The account of the woman’s creation in Genesis 2 makes it clear that Eve was a
partner uniquely suited to complete Adam. In terms of inherent value, she was in every way his equal.
In terms of function, she was everything that he was not, and thus they two were together, one.
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Jesus was in no way inferior to the Father. He is ontologically equal to the Father, that is, they are the
same in power, substance and glory. And yet Jesus, who claimed to be one with the Father,
voluntarily submitted himself so that He was functionally subject to the Father. So also, a wife is on
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equal ground with her husband as far as personal worth and significance are concerned. Yet, for the
purpose of marital oneness she takes up her God-given role in submission to her husband’s
leadership. In fact, just as Jesus was exalted for his submission to the Father, so husbands must
honor and cherish their wives for the invaluable service they offer to the marriage partnership.
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A third requirement for achieving oneness is that both partners must be faithful to their appropriate
responsibilities in marriage as described in verses 25-33. Husbands must love their wives, again,
following the example of Christ’s love. And wives must respect their husbands.
Husbands are to follow Christ’s example of love in three ways. First, they must demonstrate Christ’s
sacrificial love (v 25). Just as Jesus offered a love that cost his life to a people who were not worthy of
it, so a husband must love his wife, looking to her best interests. Though she may not always deserve
her husband’s love, she needs his love. She may be at times disrespectful, uncooperative, and
difficult, so to offer such a love, a husband needs Christ’s supernatural work creating a selfless heart.
A husband must also demonstrate a sanctifying love (v 26-27). Christ gave His life to make His bride
pure. So also, a husband must do the same. He should never provoke his wife to resentment, anger,
or compromise. A single Christian man must never coerce a woman to compromise sexually in the
name of love. That’s selfish, not Christ’s love. His love makes His people pure. In the same way, a
man must guard the purity of the woman he loves.
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
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Lastly, a husband must demonstrate self-like love for his wife (28-29). That is, he must look after her
needs as attentively as he would look after the needs of his own body.
In verse 31, Paul instructs wives that they must respect their husbands. Certainly both husbands and
wives should love and respect one another, but a wife’s primary responsibility is to respect her
husband. He may at times be unkind, unloving, and aloof. He may not deserve respect, yet he needs
it. Ladies may wonder how to respect a man who isn’t respectable. First, it’s a matter of respecting
the leadership role, but more than that, it takes a changed heart. You will need the selfless heart that
only Jesus can give.
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When both partners have selfless hearts, pursuing the interests of their spouse, assuming their Godgiven roles and responsibilities, then you have the requirements to achieve oneness in a marriage.
And marital oneness will tend to be proportionally as strong as your own oneness with Christ. That is
not to say that oneness doesn’t require dedication and effort. It does. Yet it must begin with a
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growing selfless heart. Here are some suggestions for expressing selflessness to enhance oneness in
your marriage.

Communicate your love or respect in the way that speaks most clearly to your spouse, not in
the way that is easiest for you.

Find your spouse’s greatest need – whether love, respect, appreciation, time, or leadership –
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and ask God to allow you to be a vehicle for meeting that need in your partner’s life.

Engage in mutual life activities that foster friendship and fun. Divorce rates peak in the 2nd –
4th years as the reality stage kicks in, and again in the 15th – 20th years as children begin to
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leave home. So during those years make sure you and your spouse share some significant
activity that you both enjoy.

Schedule talk time (dates, weekends away, etc.) to explore your spouse’s questions,
emotions, and spiritual life.

Pray together regularly. 90% of marriages that include regular, meaningful prayer survive for
a lifetime. Lack of prayer in between married Christians is a sign of an unhealthy blockage in
the relationship that should be seen as a threat to long-term oneness.
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 2
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EQUIPPING
In Genesis 2:23 Adam was completely delighted by his new bride. However the fall quickly eroded
that delight for both Adam and Eve. How important is it to you to maintain your delight in your
spouse, and their delight in you? What could you do to build (or rebuild) that delight?
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Think about your heart. Have you been becoming more or less selfless? Write a few sentences
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explaining the condition of your heart toward you spouse over the past few weeks or months.
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Take some time to pray about the distinct roles and responsibilities in marriage that Paul describes.
Journal your thoughts about whether you agree, struggle, or disagree with what Paul wrote. Ask God
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to help you understand and embrace His pattern for marital roles and responsibilities.
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© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 2
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ACCOUNTABILITY
Before your Journey Group meeting, think about the questions below. You may be asked any of these
questions and you may be asking them of another group member. These questions will help you to
examine your life in light of the truth you explored this week. They also give other group members an
opportunity to encourage you to live fully for Christ. Space is provided below so you can jot down
notes during the accountability discussions in your group meeting.

Are you embracing your God-given role and responsibility in your marriage? Explain.

Would your spouse say you consistently demonstrate a selfless heart in your relationship?

Do you still delight in your spouse and are you faithful to your marital vows?

If single, are you maintaining your personal purity before Christ?

Did you complete the mission assignment this week?

Describe your most significant time of personal worship this week.

How have you attempted to impact someone on your prayer list this week?
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© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 2
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MISSION – STORY TELLING
―…Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope
that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect…‖ (I Peter 3:15, NIV)
You should have made some progress on the 60-Second Testimony exercise from last week. You
should continue to focus on writing your testimony this week. If you are finished writing your
testimony, spend some time this week memorizing it. Remember, you want to make sharing your
testimony a natural experience for you and the person you are sharing it with. If your testimony
―sounds funny‖ or too formal to your ears, you may need to rewrite it so that it sounds more like your
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natural way of talking.
Here’s a question to consider as you are crafting your personal testimony: Is there anyone you know
that you could share it with? As you know, missional living is sharing in Jesus’ mission to make the
gospel known through word and deed. Therefore, missional living requires that you have some sort of
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connection with non-Kingdom people. Do have any such connections? Are you involved with any of
the least and lost around where you live, work or play? Are your relationships with the people on your
prayer list such that you have opportunities to make the gospel known through word or deed?
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Use the space below to journal about your growth as a missional Christian and the relationships you
have with non-Kingdom people. Be prepared to discuss these thoughts at your next group meeting.
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© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 2
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SUPPLICATION
―Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.‖ – Ephesians 5:22 (ESV)
―Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church…‖ – Ephesians 5:25a (ESV)
―…And let the wife see that she respects her husband.‖ – Ephesians 5:33b (ESV)
Husbands, in prayer, ask God to give you a supernatural-godly love for your wife. Wives, ask God to
help you in submitting to and respecting and your husband. If you are single and desiring to be
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married, in prayer, ask God to provide a godly spouse.
My prayer request regarding the truth for this week:
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My prayer request regarding a situation in my life:
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Prayer request regarding someone on my prayer list:
Prayer requests from others in my group:
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―The best way to be a good father to your children is to be a good husband to their mother.‖
— Jay Adams
―The Christian is supposed to love his neighbor, and since his wife is his nearest neighbor, she should
be his deepest love.‖ — Martin Luther
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 2
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Unit 3
Avoiding the Fatal Attraction
The Best Hope of a Lasting Love
TRUTH
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by memory – II Peter 1:3-4a (ESV)
“3His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the
knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, 4by which he has granted to us his
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precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine
nature…”
in Bible –
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In the previous unit you learned about the mystery of marriage: oneness. God designed marriage to
have the potential for a depth of oneness between a husband and wife that, amazingly, could serve as
a picture of the mystical union of Christ and His Bride, the Church. As you recall, such oneness is only
possible if each spouse possesses a selfless heart, pursuing the interests of the other, and assumes
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their God-given roles and responsibilities.
How does this ball get rolling? Where does the power come from? And what hope is there that a
couple can achieve a growing marital oneness through the post-infatuation years? In this unit you will
look to II Peter 1:3-11 for the answer to these questions.
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Focus on this passage during your personal worship for a few days this week. You will find that this
passage is rich with truth that applies to your spiritual life in several different ways.
Have you been using the PRAISE model for your personal worship? – Pray first; Read the text; Ask
questions; Interpret in Context; Summarize applications; and Engage with God in prayer. If not, make
an effort to try it this week. The most important point is that you always strive to apply the Scriptures
to your life in specific, measurable ways. Then respond to God in prayer using the 5 Targets of
Prayer taught by Jesus: God‟s Honor; God‟s Kingdom; God‟s Provision; God‟s Forgiveness; and God‟s
Power.
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, “I Do” > unit 3
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2 Peter 1:3-11 – This passage gives us insight into both the source and purpose of a godly life. It
also points out the benefits of growing in godliness as well as the danger of a spiritually stagnant life.
Take a close look at verses 3 and 4. In relation to a godly life, what source of power is made available
to us? For what purpose is this power given? By what means is this power given?
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Verses 5-7 list some characteristics of a godly life that we should see increasing in our lives. What
benefit is realized by the increase of these qualities in our lives? (v 8) What danger is there if we don‟t
see these things growing in our lives? (v 9)
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In response to verses 8-9, Peter then urges us to take action in verse 10. What action does Peter
advise? How can we heed this advice without returning to a performance mentality?
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Now, pause a moment to pray, asking God to help you apply this passage to your own life. Then write
about how this passage applies to any of these aspects of your spiritual life: growth in godliness,
assurance of salvation, married life, or the choice of a marriage partner.
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
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to summarize The three most important decisions a person will ever make relate to the choice of their master,
mission, and mate. If you are reading this, it is presumed that the choice of your master has already
been made. Decisions about your mission in life may or may not be settled, and you may or may not
have reached a conclusion about who your mate should be. The focus of this unit is the very
important choice of a mate. You will examine the way people make this choice and come to
understand the relational factor that offers the best hope of a lifelong love. If you are a single this unit
will challenge your thinking about how to go about choosing the person you will spend your life with.
If you are married, you will be challenged to reevaluate the basis of your marriage relationship.
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In the first unit of this section you read some sad statistics about American marriages. One in two
ends in divorce. One in three married people has been unfaithful to their spouse. And one in three
married Americans admits they don‟t love their spouse. If you are single or newly married you have
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probably wondered what could keep you from becoming one of these statistics. You may have
thought about the meaning of love and what makes it last. Perhaps you have wondered how to stay
in love and how to ensure that your marriage will get better and better.
For answers to these questions, the best place to begin is to examine the way one chooses a mate in
the first place. The typical American couple builds their relationship on what could be called a fatal
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attraction, an attraction that will ultimately fail them as a basis for a long lasting relationship.
The diagram to the right pictures the three dimensions of a
person‟s life: body, personality, and spirit. All three dimensions are
Body
uniquely designed by God, but the spirit is the essential, immortal
you. Now, when a man is attracted to a woman he is usually
primarily attracted by a woman‟s physical appearance. Secondarily,
he is attracted by a woman‟s personality. When a woman is
attracted to a man, chances are she is attracted primarily by that
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Personality
mind
Spirit
will
emotions
man‟s personality and then by his physical appearance. There is
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nothing wrong with either case. It is the way men and women
were designed. However, problems will arise if your attraction to your spouse (or to a potential
spouse) goes no deeper than their physical and personal appeal. This is the fatal attraction.
The typical young couple‟s basis of attraction begins and ends in the outer two circles, ignoring, or at
best undervaluing the importance of their partner‟s spiritual life. What is obvious (yet often
overlooked) is that the physical appearance and the personality are in constant decline. People‟s
bodies begin to decrease by their mid-to-late twenties. The metabolism slows. Muscle and skin tone
begin to diminish. Organs and muscles become more susceptible to injury and disease. Later, the
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, “I Do” > unit 3
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personality is affected by age as well. The mind isn‟t as sharp as it once was. Forgetting where keys
were placed becomes a more common experience. Emotions change, becoming more tender or harsh
with age, while the will tends to harden as people become increasingly set in their ways.
Guided by this fatal attraction, the typical mate selection process looks like the diagram below. Pat is
searching for a mate. The selection criterion is some combination of physical and personal
attractiveness, but nothing more. Pat meets, dates and even confesses love for someone. But the
relationship doesn‟t last. Then someone else comes along. Interestingly, Pat confesses love for this
person as well. But this relationship just doesn‟t seem to work out either. Then along comes a third
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relationship, or a fourth, or a fifth, each time leaving a little bit of Pat‟s heart with the previous
person. This goes on until Pat reaches a stage in life – maybe after finishing school or getting the first
good job – where Pat just feels like it‟s the right time to get married. Now, here‟s the question that
exposes the fatal flaw in this process: What makes Pat think the current relationship will get richer
and better for 50 years, when the all the previous relationships didn‟t survive for 5 months? There
isn‟t a good answer to this question if the marriage is built on physical and personal attractants alone.
Relationship #1
Relationship #2
Relationship #3
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etc
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Pat
The point is that the greatest hope a couple has of experiencing a lifelong love is building their
relationship on a spiritual attraction. Perhaps you‟ve seen the increasingly rare, mature marriage
where both partners continue to delight in their spouse after 40, or 50, or even more years together.
Many such couples learned in their early years that love is not simply being attracted by their partner‟s
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physical or personal charm. The more important attractant is the spiritual life of their spouse and love
is viewed as a commitment, based on the will of God, to their partner‟s spiritual growth. Strong
emotions are an inevitable by-product of such a love, and make it much more likely that a marriage
will reach its full long-lasting potential. This is not to say that this is an etched-in-stone guarantee of a
wonderful, happy marriage. But it is the best hope of one.
This brings us to II Peter 1:3-11 for here you will find described the characteristics of a growing, godhonoring spiritual life. It not only tells us what that life looks like in terms of spiritual character, but it
also tells us how this spiritual life is achieved. Notice that verse 3 says that God granted everything we
need for life and godliness by “His divine power…” Perhaps there was a time when you thought that
everything needed for life and godliness came by your own human effort, good intentions, and will
power. From a performance mentality you may have thought, “I just need to try harder. Be sincere.
Be moral. Follow the Bible.” No, the power must come from God. He creates a thriving spiritual life.
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
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Notice also that God does this so that “…you may become partakers of the divine nature…” Peter
then lists several aspects of the divine nature (virtue, knowledge, self-control, brotherly love, etc.)
that promote our spiritual effectiveness as these characteristics increase by the power of God (see vs.
8). To put it differently, God gives His power to produce His nature in believers. It is that increasing
divine nature, not the decreasing physical and personal nature that should be the number one basis
for attraction to your spouse, or potential spouse. The other attractants are fine and good, but they
will decline. Therefore, make the spirit life your primary attraction, so that when you lose the
secondary you won‟t be at a loss.
So if you married based on only the personal or physical attractiveness of your spouse does this mean
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that you won‟t be blessed with a fantastic, long-lasting marriage? – Not at all. Even if you made the
worst of choices based on all the wrong conditions, it‟s not too late to begin focusing on the spiritual
dimension in your relationship. Make your own spiritual life your highest priority, and seek to influence
the spiritual growth of your spouse. Husbands have a special opportunity and responsibility in this
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regard since they are the spiritual leaders of their homes.
If you are a parent you have no greater priority than to prepare your children to make wise choices in
regards to their master, mission, and mate. Be sure to model the priority of the spiritual over the
physical. Admire the spiritual qualities of your spouse in their presence, not just the physical. Show
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your children the downsides of immediate gratification, and teach them to pursue that which is long
lasting. Beginning at an early age, condition your children to expect that you should play an important
part in the decision process when selecting a spouse. Be the type of parent that your children could
and would discuss the choice of mate. And of course, pray for your children‟s future spouse.
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If you are a single, learn to develop a spiritual attraction in your life. If you want to marry a king or
queen (spiritually speaking), then you must be a king or queen. You should also include the
characteristics of a vibrant spiritual life described in II Peter 1 at the top of the list of what you‟re
looking for in a marriage partner. If you are involved with someone with whom you know that spiritual
attraction is not, nor ever could be the primary basis of attraction, then break it off. Dating is fine; just
don‟t give your heart away multiple times. Dating should help you find the right person as well as
prepare you for the right person. Pray for your future spouse. Ask someone you respect to give you
objective, spiritually mature counsel regarding your choice of a spouse. And set personal standards for
yourself that are high enough to protect and guide you in making a wise choice.
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, “I Do” > unit 3
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EQUIPPING
In 2 Peter 1 you saw some of the qualities that constitute an increasingly godly life. Now is an
appropriate time to think about your growth in godliness and how (or if) it is affecting your marriage
or dating relationship. The equipping questions are specific to various situations in life.
All: Using the qualities in II Peter 1:5-7 as a reference, describe some of the ways that you have
grown in godliness since you became a follower of Christ.
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Singles: How has your growth in godliness affected your view of what type of person would make a
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suitable marriage partner?
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Marrieds: How has your spiritual journey affected your relationship with your spouse?
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All: What do you think would make you a more spiritually attractive person?
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
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Marrieds: How would you describe the spiritual health of your marriage? What measure do you base
your estimation on?
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Marrieds: How well is your spouse acquainted with your spiritual journey? What could you do to
make sure your spouse is involved with your spiritual life?
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Married Men: How have you been investing in your wife‟s spiritual growth? If you need to make a
change, what appropriate steps could you take starting today?
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Married Women: How have you been supporting the spiritual growth of your husband? If you need
to make a change, what appropriate steps could you take starting today?
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, “I Do” > unit 3
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ACCOUNTABILITY
Before your Journey Group meeting, think about the questions below. You may be asked any of these
questions and you may be asking them of another group member. These questions will help you to
examine your life in light of the truth you explored this week. They also give other group members an
opportunity to encourage you to live fully for Christ. Space is provided below so you can jot down
notes during the accountability discussions in your group meeting.

If single, are you involved with someone with whom you know the relationship is not, nor
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ever could be, based on a spiritual attraction?

Are you maintaining your personal purity before Christ?

If married, are you pursuing the growth of the spiritual dimension of your marriage? How?

Did you complete the mission assignment this week?

Describe your typical time of personal worship. When and where do you have it? How long is
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it? How is that time used? What have you been studying in God‟s word?

Describe a situation in which you were an ambassador for Christ this week.
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© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, “I Do” > unit 3
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MISSION – STORY TELLING
“And Jesus said to them, „Follow me, and I will make you become fishers of men.‟” (Mark 1:17, ESV)
Continue working on your 60-Second Testimony and prepare to share it from memory with your
Journey Group. Also, continue praying for those on your prayer list, and specifically pray earnestly
that God would give you an opportunity to share your testimony with them.
The second mission assignment is for those who are married or are in a relationship that could
potentially lead to marriage. Your mission is to have a spiritual conversation with your “other half”.
This may not seem like much of an assignment to those who are already comfortable praying, reading
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the Bible and discussing spiritual matters with their partner. But to others this could be as daunting as
anything you‟ve ever done. Your apprehension is the very reason this assignment is so important. You
need to begin developing the spiritual basis in your relationship and that begins with being at ease
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discussing spiritual topics with your partner. Your first attempt at raising the subject needn‟t be a
long complicated affair. If you need an idea for a simple conversation starter, try one of these:

Mention something you are learning in The Journey.

Ask what s/he thought about a recent sermon.

Share a significant experience in your own spiritual journey.

Ask about his/her own spiritual journey.

Ask a question about a Bible verse you recently read, but didn‟t understand.
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Write about your experience here and be ready to share your experience with your Journey Group.
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© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, “I Do” > unit 3
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SUPPLICATION
“Submit yourself therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. 8Draw near to God and
he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you doubleminded.” – James 4:7-8 (ESV)
When we are close to God, our lives become spiritually attractive. Be willing to draw near to God.
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My prayer request regarding the truth for this week:
My prayer request regarding a situation in my life:
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Prayer request regarding someone on my prayer list:
A
Prayer requests from others in my group:
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“Let the wife make her husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave.”
– Martin Luther
“Marriage is a call to die (to self)…Christian marriage vows are the inception of a lifelong practice of
death, of giving over not only all you have, but all you are. Is this a grim gallows call? Not at all! It is
no more grim than dying to self and following Christ. In fact, those who lovingly die for their
(spouses) are those who know the most joy, have the most fulfilling marriages, and experience the
most love.” – R. Kent Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Man, Crossway Books, 1991, pp. 35-36.
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, “I Do” > unit 3
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Unit 4
When You Encounter a Stalemate
Living in a Relational Log Jam
TRUTH
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by memory (option a) – 2 Corinthians 4:17 (ESV)
―For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all
comparison.‖
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by memory (option b) – 2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV)
―My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.‖
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in Bible –
Last week you learned about the best hope for a life time of oneness in marriage; a spiritual attraction
between marriage partners. The material this week is for those who may despair that they will ever
experience this oneness. You‘ve done your best, but the relationship seems at an impasse, and hope
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is fading. What now? Grit your teeth and endure? Disobey and divorce? For you, the memory verses
and study passages this week will bring you back to earlier lessons on glory and grace from the
Gospel Living series. But now by comparing these verses, you will see how God‘s glory and grace
provide motivation and strength to carry you through any suffering in general and through marital
problems in particular.
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Focus on these passages during your personal worship this week. And see if you can remember the
PRAISE model for personal worship, as well as the 5 Targets of Prayer.
P___________ R____________ A____________ I___________ S____________ E____________
God’s __________ God’s __________ God’s __________ God’s __________ God’s __________
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 4
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2 Corinthians 4: 7-18 – Here Paul speaks of the purpose of suffering in a Christian‘s life. Yet it is his
example of endurance in both physical and relational sufferings that give weight to his words.
What purpose does suffering serve in a Christian‘s life? You should find more than one answer in this
passage.
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John 9:1-7 – This miracle story about a man who was born blind opens our eyes to the greater
purpose of God in the merciful works of salvation, healing, and deliverance.
Why was the man in this story born blind? Why did Jesus give him sight?
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2 Corinthians 12:1-10 – In this familiar text Paul speaks shamefacedly both of the revelations he
had been given and the famous thorn that taught him more about the power of God‘s grace.
Why did God give Paul his thorn, and why did He refuse to remove it?
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How did Paul respond to God‘s discipline? What did he learn? Why was the lesson valuable?
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 4
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to summarize –
This final unit of ―Before and After You Say ‗I Do‘‖ will look at the difficult issue of what to do if you
are in a relational stalemate with your spouse. Perhaps you feel like you are living a marital
nightmare. Maybe your spouse doesn‘t even know how you feel. Perhaps you would describe your
satisfaction in marriage as falling on the lower end of this relational scale and you may despair of any
prospect for improvement.
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2
3
4
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ConflictHabituated
Marriage
Devitalized
Marriage
PassiveCongenial
Marriage
Vital
Marriage
Total
Marriage
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If you are living in just such a situation, the goal of this material is to provide you a grand enough
reason to remain faithful to your marriage vows even when there doesn‘t seem to be hope for
improvement. But first, let‘s ensure the teaching of this unit is grounded in the last three units.
One of the obstacles faced by American marriages is disillusionment caused by the false hope offered
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by two myths of marriage: that marriage will naturally get better on its own, and that the right spouse
will meet your deepest needs. Instead, you can set your heart on the true hope offered by the
mystery of marriage: a oneness that reflects the union of Christ and the Church. Experiencing oneness
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can be realized by building the spiritual attraction in your relationship.
But, what if you are a devoted follower of Christ, you believe all the right things, you‘re trying your
hardest to love your spouse, and being as faithful as you can? Yet, still you find yourself in a
stalemate where no progress or resolution seems possible. Then what? Are the only options a dismal
nightmare of marital martyrdom, or disobedience to God by divorcing your spouse?
Before that question is answered, be assured that this material won‘t offer performance based advice
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like, ―Try harder. Apply yourself. Pray harder. Believe God. Have faith.‖ No, the guidance you will find
here takes the frustration of your situation more seriously than that. You also won‘t find a guilt trip
here. Rather, this material will point you to the Scriptures to remind you of the practical, daily and
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sufficient strength of God‘s grace. In the Gospel Living series you learned that grace is the favor and
kindness of God merited for us by Jesus Christ, but grace is also the daily power He promises that will
empower you to live obediently and faithfully even in difficult circumstances.
It was through difficult, painful circumstances that Paul learned the sufficiency of God‘s grace for any
situation (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). Likewise, it may well be that you will learn through the pain of a
difficult marriage that grace is sufficient to satisfy and strengthen you despite the disappointment,
anger, or loneliness you feel. True, God can and often does intervene in marriages making oneness
possible where there is a history of marital conflict and alienation. And it is good and right for you to
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 4
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pray for that intervention. But whether He does or not, the promises of God are that His grace will be
there to meet your deepest need, and that your present suffering won‘t compare to the glory that
awaits you.
From the passages you studied this week you can rightly draw these two practical applications: first
that you can be faithful because of grace, and second that you will be blessed when you do. You will
never regret obedience shown to God. Regardless of what may go wrong in your marriage, God‘s
Word teaches that obedience to him is always possible and is always the best, most rewarding course
of action.
Let‘s address the first application – that you can be faithful because of grace. In 2 Corinthians 4:7-18
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Paul‘s description of his life provides an illustration that no situation is so desperate that God‘s grace is
insufficient. Through the faithful discharge of the gospel ministry (what Paul calls a ―treasure‖), he
describes experiences of affliction, confusion, persecution and personal attack. Yet his testimony is
that he was neither crushed nor driven to despair, neither forsaken nor destroyed by these problems.
Why is this so? – So that the ―surpassing power‖ (4:7) of God might be displayed in his life. His
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example is compelling not just because he writes with apostolic authority, but because he went into
depths of physical and emotional suffering that most of us will never experience. He writes rather
reluctantly in chapter 11 of his hardships of imprisonments, beatings with rods and whips, stoning,
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shipwrecks, hunger, thirst, exposure, abandonment, betrayal, and treachery. Yet in spite of these
experiences Paul concludes the discussion about suffering with this bold statement in 4:16, ―So we do
not lose heart.‖ In other words, Paul compares the reality of his extreme difficulties with the reality of
God‘s daily supporting grace and says in effect, ―I see no reason to quit. I am renewed daily by
grace.‖ This can be true in your situation as well. God‘s grace is and will be sufficient for your every
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need.
Paul then goes on in 4:17 to refer to his many sufferings as a ―slight momentary affliction‖. What an
understatement! How can Paul say that? It is because he is so focused on the glory that is to be
revealed. He calls it ―an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison‖ (4:17) He regards the value of
the glory to come so highly that he willingly pays the comparatively small price of faithfulness despite
difficulty. This brings us to a second application – that your faithfulness in a difficult marriage will
result in blessing. If you are in a relational log jam, be so focused on glory that obedience and
faithfulness become worth the hardship! You will be blessed in an incomparable way by the glory to
come, while you receive grace for the present moment. God‘s promises will not fail you.
Maybe you are married and in a relational log jam. Maybe you were disobedient and married outside
the faith. Perhaps you made an unwise choice. Or, maybe the marriage just went sour. Whatever the
case, it is now God‘s will for you to be married to your spouse. As a follower of Christ divorce is not an
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 4
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option so just take the word out of your vocabulary. Of course there are exceptions, (see Matthew
5:32; 19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:12-15), but you should look to your church leadership to help guide you
through these types of situations. Outside of these exceptions, you are not to divorce nor remarry.
You may feel like God is punishing you with a bad marriage. This is not so. Forgiveness through Christ
is immediate and complete where there is repentance. But that doesn‘t mean there are no
consequences to our decisions. Consequences are God‘s way of warning us not to leave Him out of
the choices we make.
Perhaps you are divorced already. Does this mean God can‘t or won‘t bless your life? Certainly not!
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God‘s grace to you is just as rich as to anyone else. Remember, grace is not dependent on your
performance. It is merited for you by Christ. And if you are faithfully following Him you can look
forward to the rich hope of His glory that far outweighs any difficulty of your current situation. Now,
whether you should remain as you are, or seek to remarry, is a discussion you should have with your
church leadership. But regardless of whether you are divorced or in a marital stalemate, remember
that His grace is sufficient to meet your deepest needs, making contentment and faithfulness possible
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in your situation. Renewal is also a possibility because God often chooses to intervene where there is
no human hope.
You may be considering disobedience in order to find the happiness that you want in life. Don‘t
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choose that route. Look at your situation as a momentary affliction which isn‘t worthy of comparison
with the glory that will be revealed in you. Look to grace for daily strength. You will be glad one day
when you stand before God as a faithful follower of Christ forgiven for His sake, and rewarded for
your faithfulness in troubles.
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© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 4
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EQUIPPING
The goal of this unit was to provide you a grand enough reason to remain faithful to your marriage
vows even when there doesn‘t seem to be hope for improvement in your marriage. But that‘s a pretty
tall order, and the truth in this case may be hard to translate into life. Chances are you agree that
grace should be sufficient, and glory should outweigh your current trials, but staking your life and
hope on these things may take more meditation, prayer, and the support of your Journey Group.
Use the space below to journal about how you see glory and grace applying to your relational
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situation whether you are dating, struggling in marriage, happily married, single or divorced.
Although, you may be tempted to write about how you should feel and think in response to this
weeks‘ truth, write your true response. If you are struggling to believe that grace is sufficient for you
or that glory truly outweighs your present struggles, consider sharing this as a prayer request with
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others in your group.
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© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 4
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ACCOUNTABILITY
Before your Journey Group meeting, think about the questions below. You may be asked any of these
questions and you may be asking them of another group member. These questions will help you to
examine your life in light of the truth you explored this week. They also give other group members an
opportunity to encourage you to live fully for Christ. Space is provided below so you can jot down
notes during the accountability discussions in your group meeting.

Would you describe the basis of attraction in your relationship as spiritual? Explain.

How content are you with God‘s provision? How are doing in the realm of stewardship?

Are you struggling to surrender any area of your life to the control of the Holy Spirit?

Are people in your circles becoming aware that you are a follower of Christ? Explain.

How are you doing in developing a personal worship habit?

Are you considering disobedience to God as a solution to a relational log jam in your life?

Did you complete the mission assignment this week?
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© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 4
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MISSION – STORY TELLING
"I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of
every good thing we have in Christ.‖ (Philemon 1:6, NIV)
By now you should have completed your 60-Second Testimony. Continue preparing to share it from
memory with your Journey Group. Also, continue praying for those on your prayer list, and specifically
pray earnestly that God would give you an opportunity to share your testimony with them.
The second mission assignment is the same as last week, to have a spiritual conversation with your
spouse or potential spouse. How much do you really know about your partner‘s spiritual life? Find out
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more this week! Look at this as an opportunity to prioritize the spiritual basis in your relationship by
learning to become at ease discussing spiritual topics with your partner. If you need an idea for a
simple conversation starter, try one of these:

Share and discuss your testimony.

Offer to pray with them about a current concern.

Mention something you are learning in The Journey.

Share a significant experience in your own spiritual journey.

Ask about his/her own spiritual journey.
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Use the space below to write something you learned about your partner‘s spiritual life that you may
not have known before.
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When was the last time you connected with someone on your prayer list? Use the space below to
describe your most recent interaction with someone on your prayer list.
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 4
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SUPPLICATION
―Answer me quickly, O Lord! My spirit fails! Hide not your face from me, lest I be like those who go
down to the pit. 8Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know
the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.‖ – Psalm 143:7-8 (ESV)
―I can do all things through him who strengthens me.‖ – Philippians 4:13 (ESV)
In the midst of struggles, turn to the Lord in prayer. Ask for guidance and His strength. Ask for your
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soul to be lifted up. This week spend some time asking God to show you that grace is sufficient to
empower your faithfulness. Also ask Him to motivate you with His promise of glory.
My prayer request regarding the truth for this week:
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My prayer request regarding a situation in my life:
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Prayer request regarding someone on my prayer list:
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Prayer requests from others in my group:
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―Prayer can never be in excess.‖ — C.H. Spurgeon
―Prayer is not appointed for the furnishing of God with the knowledge of what we need, but it is
designed as a confession to Him of our sense of the need. In this, as in everything, God's thoughts
are not as ours. God requires that His gifts should be sought for. He designs to be honored by our
asking, just as He is to be thanked by us after He has bestowed His blessing.‖ — A.W. Pink
© 2011 (Original Copyright 1996) Randy Pope. All rights reserved.
Healthy Marriage > Before and After You Say, ―I Do‖ > unit 4
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