A Near-Future Re-imagining of Elizabeth Gaskell’s North and South
by George the vampire
Act 1, Scene 1
MARGARET stands with her father, MR HALE and mother, MRS HALE in Hellstone,
probably some expensive-looking crystal fortress that’s on fire, but like cold fire. That
would be awesome. The NARRATOR (wearing a hat) lets everyone know the score:
Narrator:
Oh, for a muse of fire, that would ascend the brightest heaven of
invention,
Crap. I did it again. I keep forgetting which one it is. (asks offstage)
Narf and Sarf? Oh, ok. Isn’t it incredibly dull? It is. Right. Still, here
we go.
Margaret:
(reading slowly and emotionlessly from a copy of the novel) Edith.
Edith. But Edith was a sleep[sic].
Mr Hale:
Enough of that! (knocks the book from her hands) No spoilers about
how Bessy and practially everyone else in this stupid novel dies.
MARGARET is surprised by MR LENNOX. He has lots of tentacles.
Lennox:
Oh, young lady! What a lovely young lady you are. Let’s totally get
hitched like your cousin Edith totally married my hot brother, Captain
Lennox, totally. Also, I am a tentacled monstrosity from another
planet. (he waggles his tentacles)
Margaret:
I believe I speak for literally everyone here when I say “Hell no.”
Lennox:
And then I fucked off. To cry. At home. Holding a fuzzy bear. Because
I am a loser.
Mr Hale:
Also, in a plot-critical revelation, we’re moving ooop north (dramatic
music – dun dun derr!).
Margaret:
But dad, everyone from the north is poorly educated and smells like
factories. I don’t want to go. Why would we leave the incredibly
boring village of Hellstone?
Mr Hale:
I’m actually a minister but I don’t know if I believe in the Church.
Which sucks.
Margaret:
(anachronistically) But God is a load of old bollocks. Except the
Hindu gods, they’re pretty awesome. They let people see the future and
the play was a roaring success!
Mr Hale:
No, God’s (also anachronistically. And whilst making air quotes)
“totally cool wit’ me, dudes”. I just hate the Church. Because it’s mean
to basically everyone.
Mrs Hale:
I don’t want to go either. I expect the crappy northern air will fuck my
useless old lungs.
They go north.
Act 1, Scene 2
Margaret is eloquently comparing Hellstone with Milton, where they now live. Mr
Hale is getting the brunt of it.
Margaret:
Milton (or mill-town, for the slow members of the audience) is as shit
as a pile of shit.
Mr Hale:
Nevermind. Here’s local factory owner and northman, Mr Thornton.
MR THORNTON enters. He drinks tea and eloquently debates the relative merits of
north and south with MARGARET.
Mr Thornton: I COME OUT OF A MILL!
Margaret:
I understand your point of view, Mr Thornton, but I simply cannot
accept that the north is less pleasant than the north.
Mr Thornton: I COME OUT OF A MIILLL!
Margaret:
No, for you see I am allowed to be haughty, for I am a lady, in spite of
my reduced circumstances! You, however, are simply coarse, vulgar
and (shudders) northern. I expect that we shall never get on! That was
foreshadowing! I have ended all my sentences in this increasingly
badly written line with exclamation marks!
Exeunt
Act 1, Scene 3
Margaret’s there with NICHOLAS HIGGINS and BESSY, his sick daughter. He has
an extremely northern accent, which the author has helpfully rendered in appropriate
dialect.
Margaret:
Heavens me! Two poor people!
Nicholas:
(innercity) Yo blud. Me an’ my peeps be the Higgins crew.
(valley girl) We like totally have authentic northern accents or
something.
(scots) Och, aye! Me poor bairn, Bessy.
(Italian) she is-a very sick-a. (pause) Spaghetti.
Bessy coughs, pointedly.
Margaret:
You poor indigent sort. I think this part is supposed to be a wake-up
call to Victorian society. Except it’s the near-future, so I guess they’re
all dead.
Act 2, Scene 1
Margaret goes to see Mr Thornton’s house, surrounded by striking space workers.
From the near-future.
Margaret:
More debate with Mr Thornton? Sigh. And there’s a pesky strike
outside. Were you going to do anything about it, Thornton?
Mr Thornton: I GO OUT OF MY HOUSE. (he does)
Margaret:
I’ll come with you. To laugh at you.
Mr Thornton: NO STRIKE! NO STRIKE!
Margaret:
He’s so convincing. I must protect him! (She goes to do so, and is hit
by a rock)
Thornton brings Margaret inside.
Mr Thornton: (aside) The poor darling. Cruelly stricken down by that vicious angry
mob. With a rocky rock. I had not realised how I cared for her.
Perhaps, perhaps now is the time to make my true feelings known.
Margaret wakes up. MRS THORNTON is there.
Margaret:
Oh God! It wasn’t a dream! I really am in the north! (dun-dun-derr!)
Mr Thornton: YOU MARRRY MEEE?
Margaret:
No, you smelly, weird man!
Mrs Thornton: My poor son! How can you reject him so cruelly? Get out!
Exeunt
Act 2, Scene 2
Margaret is with Mrs Hale who is clearly dying.
Margaret:
No! Mrs Hale! You can’t die now! It’s only the fifth scene! Actually,
that’s probably fine.
Mrs Hale:
Margaret. There is something I must tell you. I am your mother.
Margaret:
I know.
Mrs Hale:
Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
Margaret:
I know.
Mrs Hale:
There is another, a brother.
Margaret:
I know. You're talking about my brother Frederick.
Mrs Hale:
Yes, your brother who was accused of mutiny and is here now to
secretly visit me – you must not let the authorities know or they shall
put him in front of a laser firing squad, which may only be just a little
bit anachronistic and anyway can lasers even hurt people?
FREDERICK arrives, just in time for his line.
Frederick:
Hello mummy. Hello sis. What a lovely time I’ve had seeing you, but
now I must be orf. We’re taking the astro train, dontchaknow?
Margaret:
My poor simple brother…
Margaret and Frederick go to the astro train station for Scene 3.
Act 2, Scene 3
Frederick and Margaret are at the astro train station. So is Mr Thornton and the
dastardly LEONARDS.
Frederick:
Oh no! The dastardly Leonards has seen me and will try and get me
done for mutiny! The dastard!
Margaret:
You talk funny. Let’s escape by astro train!
The train starts to move and then transforms into a spaceship in a very expensive
special effect which we may not be able to afford. Frederick escapes daringly and
kicks Leonards out in front of the train. Mr Thornton sees this and is cross.
Mr Thornton: (aside) Oh no! The fair Margaret is with a gentleman of ill repute.
Perhaps I can discern who he is after a quick chat with this normalseeming Leonards person. (To Leonards) WHAT HAPPEN?
Leonards:
Somebody set us up the…[dies]
Mr Thornton: (aside) I knew it! She doesn’t want to marry me and has found
someone else! Woe! And now to inexplicably lie to the police on her
behalf. No wait, I’m a magistrate. I’ll just lie to myself.
Margaret:
(to the audience) We’re sparing you a really boring bit now where
basically Leonards dies. I lie to the police. Thornton does too, because
he’s realised he loves me and then I realise I love him too. I don’t tell
him Frederick’s my mutinous brother or anything, Thornton’s just
weird about it. It doesn’t really make too much sense, I know, but then
there’s a limit to how far you can adapt stuff without breaking down
people’s suspension of disbelief. Also, my mother dies between now
and the start of the next scene. I heart exposition.
Act 3, Scene 1
Bessy and Nicholas are sitting with Margaret.
(pirate) Father, I love ye! I be dyin’ now though.
Bessy:
Nicholas:
(spanish?) Ay carumba! My Bessy!
(german) Ich bin really, really sad.
Margaret:
With Bessy dead too now, apparently, surely this cruel writer has
killed off enough of the cast. (slightly anachronistically, her mobile
phone rings). Oh! My father’s copped it too. And apparently I’m off to
live with the extremely wealthy Mr. Bell. Right.
Act 3, Scene 2
Margaret hangs out with MR BELL.
Mr Bell:
(On the phone with his agent) Hang on, you’re telling me I only get
one line and then I die, giving all my money to Margaret and like 50%
of that line is expository dialogue and the other 50% is a complicated
and unfunny joke that breaks the fourth wall into tiny, tiny pieces? I
need a new agent (dies).
Margaret:
With a good section of the supporting cast thoroughly killed off, and
me now wealthy again, it’s probably time to bring in Thornton.
Thornton enters
Margaret:
Oh, Mr Thornton, I am not good enough!
Mr Thornton: (aside) Curses! My speech shall fail me again at the sight of this
beauty. How will I ever tell her that I’m poor because the mill failed
for some reason we won’t explore and that Nicholas told me that the
man I saw Margaret with was her falsely-accused brother. Oh, poor
Margaret, how can I ever tell you how much I care. (To Margaret) Not
good enough! Don’t mock my own deep feeling of unworthiness!
Also, YOU MARRY MEEE?
Margaret:
Thornton, how subtle you are! I love you! We shall restart the mill
with the enormous inheritance I’ve just picked up from Mr Bell.
Sorted. It’s the end! (she’s right)