“I’m Not a Tomato!” Teaching Kids to Handle Teasing Before They Go To Camp
Tim Jordan, M.D.
Since this is the summer camp issue, I thought I’d give parents a few ideas about
how to prepare their children this spring for the social challenges of going off to a stayaway camp.
Going away to camp brings the promise of making some new “friends for life” or
BFF’s (best friends forever). But it also can bring kids face-to-face with teasing, bullying
and being excluded as campers vie for pecking order rights and status. A potential
growing up experience can quickly deteriorate into a nightmare.
The following are suggestions about teaching your kids to handle teasing and
bullying; these are ideas I’ve learned and used from working with kids at my own camps
(Camp Weloki) for the past 20 years.
1. Teach kids that they are responsible for their feelings and reactions to teasing.
Remember Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote:
“No one has the power to make you feel anything unless you give them permission.”
If you get angry and respond back with disrespect, it usually fuels the teaser. Allowing
your feelings to get hurt also encourages the tease to keep going. But they didn’t “make
you feel bad”, you allowed it! Teach kids to not give their power away by letting the
words hurt or by reacting back.
2. There are no “mean” words: no matter what a bully calls you, you always have a
choice to either let it be a “mean” word or let it be what I call a “tomato” word. Let me
explain.
When I ask kids if they would be hurt and upset if I called them a “tomato”, they
laugh and say of course not. When I ask why, they tell me it’s because that’s stupid; they
know they’re not a tomato. So it’s easy to smile, shrug it off and walk away unfazed.
So when a bully starts calling you names, I encourage kids to start talking to
themselves inside their heads, with the dialogue sounding something like this:
“Tim, just relax. He’s trying to make you upset. It’s just a word; I’m not a
tomato; you don’t have to let it bother you; I’m not a tomato”
Your kids in essence can coach themselves, and therefore, they are fully in charge
of their feelings. Thus there are no mean words unless we let them be mean words.
3. Teach kids the phrase “You might be right”: we tell kids that if a bully teases you,
just say “You might be right”, smile and then walk away. This shows the bully that the
words have no power over you and they usually get bored and stop.
4. Peaceful conflict resolution skills: By practicing with sibling conflicts or conflicts
with friends that occur in your home, you can teach kids how to ask for what they want
and create win-win agreements with their sibling/ friend.
Armed with these four suggestions and hopefully having practiced these skills this
spring, kids can go to camp feeling empowered and confident in their ability to take care
of themselves socially.
When I ask kids at my camps who have ever been teased or who have ever teased
someone, every hand is raised in answer to both questions. Kids are kids, and teasing
and excluding behaviors happen all the time, in many settings, camps included. So
prepare your kids so that they don’t have to let that kind of mischief ruin their camp
experience.