Dr. Rogers
Theory and Methods of Social Work Practice
University of Portland
FAMILY DYNAMICS
DEFINITION OF A HEALTHY FAMILY (culture bound?)
1.) James Stachowiak
a.) There is a tendency for either the mother or father (or one partner or another) to dominate the entire family system
or else just specific areas. The latter system is more ideal. For example, the mother takes care of finances while the
father organizes all of the family vacations and outings.
b.) The family engages in open, honest conflict.
c.) There are one to one conversations, not one to family.
2.) John Bradshaw
a.) The system is dynamic; it seeks growth (negative entropy), balance of stability (homeostasis), openness, and feedback
(input/output).
b.) Rules are overt and negotiable.
c.) Balance of togetherness and individuation, although values on this may vary from family to family and culture to
culture.
d.) The less anxiety there is, the more individuation can occur. In other words, you can’t spend energy on personal
growth if it’s tied up in dealing with anxiety over family issues.
DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY RULES:
1.) It's not okay...
side stepping problems; can't turn to anyone because turning to others means to deal with problems; the main reason
people use this is to mask and cover problems.
2.) Feelings not expressed openly...
can't talk about feelings; feelings aren't okay; feelings aren't validated; be happy all the time; act like everything is
okay.
3.) Don't rock the boat...
dysfunctional families work hard at keeping members “sick” because they don't want to change; don't talk about
what's going on so you don't cause trouble.
4.) Be strong...
overachieve to gain self-esteem; be a caretaker, don't have any problems.
5.) Don't be “selfish”...
put other people's needs before yours; disqualify your needs and feelings.
6.) Communication is in direct...
triangular communication; passive-aggressive; talk to other members about someone else's problem; breakdown of
trust and privacy.
7.) Do as I say...
Be the way I think you should be, not the way I am modeling.
8.) Don't be playful...
Be an adult with responsibilities; take care of me; cook, clean, pay bills, and take care of me; call work and tell them
I'm sick; abandon childhood.
OTHER RULES:
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Control: control self, others, environment in a negative way.
Deny feelings: act happy when I'm not.
Expect unreliability and inconsistent inconsistency. (Very important to the development of mental disorders)
Incomplete: learn this from unreliability; you never come back to process feelings -- -- I'm left with unresolved and unfinished
business.
Don't talk openly: no expression of self.
Disqualify; disconfirm: my thoughts and feelings are wrong and not important; breaking of interpersonal bridge
Blame self and/or others: it's all my fault or all your fault; never look at the system.
Perfectionism: I'm all right or all wrong; black-and-white thinking; I'm always working toward something, but it's never good
or perfect enough.
These rules promote:
a.) Difficulty in developing and experiencing successful relationships.
b.) Secret keeping.
c.) Vague personal boundaries.
d.) Chaos.
e.) They maintain dysfunctional behavior.
f.) Shame.
Note:
All of these dysfunctional family rules are key (not necessarily causal) factors in adults with serious mental disorders. Extensive research
has shown that a breakdown in family communications systems and denial of self (which are common in dysfunctional families) can
have a detrimental effect on children and predisposed them to such disorders as paranoia, depression, and antisocial tendencies.
When the dysfunctional family rules are being practiced, family members have a tendency to utilize certain defense mechanisms in
order to cope with the chaotic family system that results from the use of these rules. Some of these defense mechanisms are:
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anger
sarcasm
silence
obsessive-compulsiveness
passiveness
caretaking
disassociation
extreme defenses; multiple personality, amnesia, anxiety, depression, flat affect, alcoholism and drug abuse
Not only do these defense mechanisms help family members to cope with the broken down communications system, but they also
maintain it. Unless one family member changes his or her style of communication and breaks through any defenses being employed
(disrupts homeostasis), this system will continue. Unfortunately if changes do not occur, the system will more than likely be passed on
to future generations, predisposing them to an unhealthy family communication system and potential problems.
FAMILY ROLES
1. Chief Enabler:
Most people who are emotionally tied to a chemically dependent person do some enabling of that person's addictive behaviors. There
is usually one person, the one most emotionally close to that dependent person, who is the chief enabler. She/he can be characterized
as follows:
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usually a spouse, partner, roommate, or, less frequently, an oldest child. This person acts out of a sincere though misguided
sense of love and loyalty.
Tries to make him/herself a better spouse/friend/partner.
Believes the numerous promises to quit drinking/drugging.
Takes over some of the responsibilities of the dependent person.
Protects the dependent person from the natural consequences of his/her addictive behaviors; e.g., calling the boss to fake sick
leave, cleaning up after the dependent person, making excuses to the neighbors, etc.
tries to prevent the drinking or drugging by watering down the liquor, throwing it out, and “Henry, haven't you had enough?”
Feels inadequate, guilty, embarrassed, angry, crazy, exhausted, and depressed.
Has a much higher incidence of digestive problems, ulcers, colitis; headaches and backaches; high blood pressure and possible
heart episodes.
Holds in anger at the dependent person and dumps it on others in his/her support system.
Become socially isolated.
2. The Hero:
Characteristics of the hero are:
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Tries to make things right in the family by being perfect.
Helpful inside the family circle and successful outside.
Becomes the center of positive attention from the immediate and extended family.
Many positive feelings and only positive feelings.
Straight A's in school, good at music, sports, or whatever activity would make the family proud.
Very good at getting along with people by emphasizing giving what they want.
Usually leaves the family early, but through some positive way and stays remote from the family.
Experiences chronic stress-related illnesses.
Characteristic feelings are guilt and inadequacy in spite of accomplishments.
Rarely shows pain, either physical or psychic.
3. The Scapegoat:
The scapegoat sees that the efforts of the hero do not work at solving family problems and pursues a radically different lifestyle.
He/she is characterized by:
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Usually second in birth order.
Withdraws from the family as a child by hiding and when older by running away.
Spends more and more time away from home relying on peers to fill the unsatisfied need for belonging.
Usually attracted to youngsters who are acting out their frustrations.
Antisocial behaviors.
Uses alcohol and/or drugs heavily.
Failing or dropping out of school.
Promiscuity to supply the love and intimacy they were unable to find a home.
Unwanted pregnancy.
The hero and the scapegoat are the roles most likely to be exchanged. This happens when the hero's early departure is seen as
rejection. The scapegoat then allies with the parents and becomes the hero. The original hero feels rejected and angry and may resort
then to alcohol and/or drug use.
4. The Lost Child:
This person is usually the third birth order, though the lost child role is least dependent on birth order. Seeing that neither the hero nor
the scapegoat roles were functional, the lost child is usually characterized by:
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Becomes a loner.
Stays out of everyone's way.
Prefers privacy to immersion in the family chaos.
Preoccupied in his/her own fantasy world.
Likely to develop imaginary friends and feel more at ease with them than with live playmates.
Fails to develop interpersonal skills.
Does not date and suffers growing doubts about sexual normalcy.
Likely to be asthmatic or have problems with allergies.
Characteristic feelings are loneliness, sadness, confusion, and fear.
5. The Mascot:
This person is usually the youngest child. The family usually babies his person and, with no successor in that role, the mascot
internalizes those interactions. He/she is characterized by:
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Using self-derogatory antics or clown-like behavior to attract attention.
Makes people laugh but at the expense of self.
Uses humor to become the center of attention and to stay in the center.
Becomes a behavior problem in school through needing to be the center of attention.
Is usually “protected” from family discussions. Sometimes diagnosed as hyperactive.
Characteristic feeling of the mascot is fear.
Unable to relate to people without using humor.
COMMUNICATION
1. Body language: Communication is the greatest single factor affecting a person's health and his/her relationship to others.
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It is important to understand that every time you talk, all of you talks. Whenever you say words, your face, voice, body,
breathing, and muscles are talking too. A simple diagram is as follows:
Verbal communication
Body/sound communication
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=
Words
Facial expression
Body position
Muscle tightness
Breathing tempo
Voice tone
First of all, body language is believed over verbal. Therefore, it's best to use verbal AND body language when conveying positive and
accepting feelings. Verbal language only should be used when expressing negative or compliant feelings.
2. The four types of double level communication: What we are essentially talking about in these four patterns of communication are
double level messages. In all four instances, your voice is saying one thing and the rest of you with saying something else. Should you
be interacting with someone who responds in double level messages as well, the results of your interactions are often hurtful and
unsatisfactory. Double level messages come through when a person holds the following views:
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She/he has low self-esteem and feels she/he is bad because she/he feels that way.
She/he feels fearful about hurting the other's feelings.
She/he worries about retaliation from the other.
She/he fears rupture of the relationship.
She/he does not want to impose.
She/he does not attach any significance to the person or the interaction itself.
In nearly all of these instances, the person is unaware that she/he is giving double level messages. Essentially, the listener will be
confronted by two messages, and the outcome of the communication will be greatly influenced by his/her response. In general, these
are the possibilities:
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Pick up the words and ignore the rest.
Pick up the non-word part and ignore the words.
Ignore the whole message by changing the subject or leaving.
BOUNDARIES
1. Intellectual boundary blurring
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Mind reading
Prying parent
Talking over
2. Emotional boundary blurring
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Sharing “secrets”
Emotional deprivation
Emotional sponges
Emotional anemia
3. Physical boundary blurring
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Physical/sexual abuse
Teasing about body image
Physical withdrawal
EGO BOUNDARIES
An ego boundary is the internal strength by which a person has an ego barrier to guard his/her inner space. This is the means the
individual uses to screen and interpret the outside world. It is also the structure a person uses to cope with and modulate his/her
interactions with the world.
Trust (hope)
Autonomy (willpower)
Initiative (purpose)
Industry (competence)
Strong ego boundaries
Like a door with the doorknob on the inside
Mistrust
Shame
Guilt
Inferiority
Weak ego boundaries
Like a door with the doorknob on the outside
Confusion
Helplessness
Powerlessness
Broken ego boundaries
Like a house without any doors