NATIONAL COMMUNITY CHURCH
February 20, 2011
Love: Friendship
Joel Schmidgall
Today we continue the ‘Love’ series. We’ve learned about healthy love, about romantic love and
about love of God, and today we are going to look at love through the lens of friendship.
Hopefully we are going to have some fun today and look at the topic of friendship. If you’ve got
your Bible, open up to the book of II Timothy and we are going to take some time in that first
chapter, we’ll get there in a few minutes.
Nothing is more fun to me than getting together with good friends to tell some old stories. I love
going back to Chicago to see my guys, Jamie and Eric and Steve and get together and we often
talk about the back-packing trip we took to Europe. When we were younger, we took a trip over
there and we called it our European speed tour, because we saw 8 countries, 15 cities in 16 days.
We bungee jumped 585 feet from a cable car up in the Swiss Alps. I peed my pants four times.
We rented scooters in Rome. We had a blast going down one way streets the wrong way and
weaving in between cars and getting up on the sidewalks. We had so much fun in fact that at the
end of the day, we could either get a hotel that night or we could get the scooters for another day.
It was a cold night on the streets! Four men huddled up, cuddled up with the curb as our pillow.
We had so many great stories. We were in Barcelona and Eric, we were in the middle of this
market and Eric was getting pick-pocketed and Jamie saw this and you gotta know Jamie, he is
the nicest guy in the world, and he talks about how he got so mad and angry and how he saved
the day, but I still remember we’d die laughing whenever he would tell the story how Jamie saw
it and he goes, ‘Hey! Hey you, that’s unkind! Excuse me!’ We called him the Sheriff from that
point on. And they called me the Negotiator because I was so bad at negotiating deals as we’d go
different places. The price that was the original price, we would pay more than the original price!
We had so many great stories! Those are my guys! Those are my buds! Those are great friends to
me. Not just because I look back and remember funny stories or good memories, but in the same
sentence I can talk about how we shared Christ with someone on the street in Austria. I can talk
about the moments of prayer that we had in a gothic cathedral in Germany. I can talk about the
conversations on the train about God’s potential for our lives and what could happen if we lived
in a revolutionary way for God’s purposes.
Friendship, meaningful friendship, doesn’t just happen through shared experience, it happens
through shared experience with intentionality. I think when we hear stories of friendship, it
resonates within our heart, because we all have this innate need for meaningful friendship. But
the fact is that friendship is hard! It is dirty sometimes and it takes up energy and sometimes it
gets a little bit ugly and it gets dramatic. And talking openly and honestly, it feels like, inside the
beltway, maybe we are just too busy for friendship.
I love when I get together with people who have a few more years on their engine than I do,
asking them this simple question: if you could go back in time x amount of years and talk to
yourself when you were 34, what advice would you give yourself. The answers vary but they
usually have a common theme, and that common theme is the idea of priorities. They wouldn’t
let work get in the way of love. Or they wouldn’t let business get in the way of friendship. Or
they wouldn’t allow anything to get in the way of family. It is about keeping priorities straight.
The Second book of Timothy was written by the apostle Paul. It is unique from any of the other
books that Paul wrote because it is not addressing a group of people, it is not addressing a
church. It is addressing an individual, Timothy, a friend of his. The book is widely regarded as
the last book that Paul wrote. The context is jail, pending is Paul’s death. His friends have all
disappeared, so Paul is approaching this book as his last will and testament. We all know that in
the last moments of your life, you’re able to cut through all of the meaningless stuff. In the last
moments of life, people are able to get to the priorities and clearly communicate what is most
important to them at that time, and this is where we find Paul. He is in this place and what does
he talk about in the book? He talks about friendship. He passes on advice to his good friend, and
it is revealed both through contents and through context and through tone that one of the most
meaningful things in Paul’s life, the biggest priority is this friendship that he has with Timothy.
We need people who are wiser than us, don’t we, to come along and tell us what our priorities
should be, and Paul does that.
So, as we look at the first chapter of the Second book of Timothy, I think we can glean four
things. I want to pull out four different elements from this passage to talk about in terms of us
creating meaningful friendships. My goal for today is this, not just that we can simply get four
things, but if you’ve got a pen, I encourage you to jot these things down and as you do, can I ask
you to do something, either during this message or tonight or later this week, jot down how you
can apply this to your life, and then let’s do those things this week.
II Timothy 1:2-3
2
To Timothy, my dear son:
Grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord.
I thank God, whom I serve, as my ancestors did, with a clear conscience, as night and day I
constantly remember you in my prayers.
3
I’ve got to pause right here because in the midst of Paul’s greatest trial, the greatest moment of
need in Paul’s life, when he can be selfish and when he needs his friends to show up, what does
he do? He says, ‘I’m praying for you.’ He is not concerned with himself. The point I’m trying to
make is that friendship is not about me. Friendship is about us. It is about the opportunity to
meaningfully invest in someone else and hopefully that is reciprocated. Hopefully that is brought
back in return.
I grew up in a church and I had a lot of friends. I had a lot of acquaintances and a lot of people
that I was familiar with, but I didn’t necessarily have meaningful friendships. As grew older, that
turned into angst and it turned into frustration at the church and at God. I began to be frustrated,
saying that, ‘well, the church is just hypocrites because no one is reaching out to me, no one is
reaching out in meaningful friendships, no one is reaching into my life, no one cares enough to
do this thing’ and I began to be frustrated with the church and with God and I came before God
one day and the conviction of the Holy Spirit entered into my heart realizing that when I was
doing this, the finger needed to be pointed back this way. What have I done to cultivate
friendship? What have I done to reach out to others? What have I done to invest and to pray into
others? At that moment I decided to stop complaining and start praying. Over the next month, I
just prayed for this thing. And it’s funny, because I don’t remember the end of that season,
because as I began to pray, over time, I began to flow into meaningful relationships. That prayer
never ended, it just ceased to exist because all of a sudden, I look around and I have all these
incredible guys that are involved in my life. God sees our prayers and when we shut our mouths
sometimes and stop complaining and start acting and start praying, God sees that He honors it.
Some of us need to hear this today because it is no easy to point the finger at other people but
some of us need to stop being concerned with what other people are not doing and start being
concerned with what we can do. God has enabled us to step out and to be the friend to others that
we desire to attract. So, my quick pause is this, today what we are talking about is not just a list
of things that you can look for or expect from another friend, they are things you can desire to be
as a friend to other people. Just like it says in our handout, our take it home pack, it says,
‘Becoming a better friend is part of spiritual maturity.’ I love that thought. Someone else put that
together and I looked at that and that’s a great thought. I’ve never thought about that, but in my
friendship, how am I growing spiritually to give and to invest in other people?
Back to Paul, in the face of death, Paul find comfort in his friendship to Timothy.
4
Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy.
It is amazing that a man who had invested in so many people and so many friends ultimately
finds solace in the comfort of one friend. Why? Because that one friend did something for him
that others didn’t. This is the first element I want to talk about today. That one friend, Timothy,
provided loyalty that other friends didn’t. We see in II Timothy 1:5
You know that everyone in the province of Asia has deserted me, including Phygelus and
Hermogenes.
II Timothy 4:10
10
for Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me and has gone to Thessalonica.
So many that Paul had invested in left him alone. He was deserted except for one, except for his
friend Timothy. There is nothing that can replace this idea of loyalty. When someone is loyal,
when someone shows up at your bedside in the hospital, you can’t replace that. When someone
sticks up for you when no one else does, you can’t replace that. When someone is there for you
and no one else is, that is an element of friendship that you cannot replace. Loyalty is more than
a quality, it is a commitment. I know this represents nothing to nobody in this place but this right
here represents loyalty, it represents friendship to me. When I was in college, I met a guy named
Jamie Kemp. He lived across the hallway in the dorm and we got to know each other and started
hanging out. We would go out and do stupid stuff. We’d have a good time and have fun together
but it was the same season that God began to do something unique in each one of us. We found
ourselves in these late night conversations eating 25 cent Nutty Buddy or Ramen if we were
lucky, having these conversations about how God has a great calling on our lives and how we are
called to live in boldness for his grace in our world. Those conversations and those prayers
changed the directions of our lives and our prayers began to turn into actions and we started to
get plugged into the local youth group. Both of us would go and we served for years in this local
youth group and we became better and better friends over time, engaged and involved in each
other’s lives. I remember my junior year when my dad suddenly passed away from a heart attack
and I went home and I hear this knock on the door and it’s Jamie. He’s got his big puffy coat on
and he comes in and gives me a hug and he opens it up and pulls out a Nutty Buddy. I said, “I
don’t know what to say to you, man, but I just wanted to let you know I’m here.” Later on, I was
in his wedding and he asked me to give the toast. I got up and I didn’t hold a drink up, I pulled
open my suit coat and said, “Today, I’m going to toast with a chocolate covered, peanut butter
wafer to one of the best friends that I’ve ever had.” This is a candy bar that really does not taste
very good, eat Styrofoam! It’s probably cheaper and tastes better! This represents something. It
represents presence, it represents loyalty. It represents the idea that when you need a friend, I got
your back. It represents the idea that when I need encouragement, he has got my back. Isn’t that
what friendship is? It is presence and a candy bar. It is not all that complicated. We are called to
loyalty in our friendships. We are called to be there for one another.
My best friends are not people who are there all the time, they are people who are there in the
right times. Here’s what’s cool about Paul though in this Scripture, and I’m challenged right
here, because it is easier to be loyal when someone else in loyal to you, but what happens when
someone else is not loyal? That’s the ultimate test of loyalty to a friendship. Here’s what happens
in II Timothy 4:16
At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held
against them.
16
Paul shows loyalty when all his friends desert him; when no one is there in his time of need, he
doesn’t hold it against them, but what does he do? He forgives them. That is hard for me to do.
When someone else hurts you or has an offense against you or offends you, what do you do in
those moments? Do you know what the Scriptures say? It says that God’s kindness leads us to
repentance. It is not God giving us the silent treatment. It is not God badgering us enough or
giving this speech of anger, it is God’s kindness that brings us back to repentance. And Paul, in
the midst of being deserted and left alone forgives and shows loyalty. Part of loyalty is
forgiveness and acceptance.
We’ve got to be careful about how we judge other people. If we snap off the twig of friendship
anytime someone says something wrong or does something different than we would want them
to do it or does something in a way that offends us, then we will be left with a barren tree. But
loyalty gives when no one else does. We see that Paul doesn’t just give loyalty reactively, but
Paul gives loyalty proactively. He has this aggression to him. He goes after his friend and he
pursues him and he is loyal in times of ease and in times of discomfort.
How can we in our lives take this principle, this element of loyalty and begin to put it into
practice? Maybe this week, for you, it’s going out to that friend who got a new job and you just
show up at work and take them to lunch. Maybe it is calling up that friend who is going through
it right now and you tell them, ‘I know what you are going through and I want to hear more
about it, but I’m going to stand in this hellish place right now with you and I’m not going to
leave your side until you get out of it.’ Standing with them, giving presence and loyalty; find a
way to get aggressive in loyalty to a friend this week.
The first element of friendship that we see in Timothy and Paul is loyalty.
The second one we find is encouragement. Verse 5
I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your
mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.
5
A friend can point out things in you that you did not know about yourself. A friend sees
potential. Paul looks into Timothy and says, ‘your grandmother and mother were heroes of the
faith. We can hold them up, but guess what Timothy? The same heroic actions I see in them is in
your future. You might not see it but I see it in you. Believe that it is to come, you have
potential.’ He sees potential and he speaks potential. He continues on in verse 6
For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the
laying on of my hands.
6
The best of friends don’t just acknowledge potential, they speak it; they encourage potential.
Paul says fan into flame the destiny that God has given to you. Other people might not give a rip
about your life or about your potential but I do. I see it and I speak it, now go get it!
There is one thing that will change the course of your friendships. If you decide to take some
time and go sit down with your friends and tell them what they don’t know about themselves,
what you see but what they don’t. Tell them what you believe about their potential, about what
you believe that God has in their future. I did this a couple of months ago, with a friend. I took a
month to pray over them because God was speaking to me about them and I said I’m not going
to go talk to them before I pray about this. I took a month to pray and I went and I sat down and I
said, ‘Man, I gotta tell you, I take for granted sometimes what I know but here’s who you are,
here’s what I see in you and I’ve been praying for you and here’s what I believe God has in store
for your future. Go get this thing now!’ It will alter the course of your friendship in a good way.
Intentionality added to friendship can create something amazing in the spirit of God.
Friends see potential and they speak potential and then thirdly, they provide a sense of
accountability to achieve potential. I’ll never forget an internship I had one summer with a bunch
of friends. We’d go early to the church and get a half an hour of prayer time in and one of the
guys who would come every week would fall asleep half way through the prayer time almost
every week. The first 15 minutes, you’d hear his praying and then you hear logs being sawed! So
one day I go over and I call him out. I’m like, ‘Wake up Dan! Stay focused man!’ and he gets all
mad and he says, ‘I’m not sleeping.’ I say, ‘I know you are sleeping, you have a red mark on
your head the size of a slab of bologna and it looks like you’re dating a basset hound, you’ve got
so much drool coming down off your chin.’ But I let it go on and another day, he falls asleep
and afterwards we would have this group that just talked about what God was doing, and Dan’s
starts out in the group and he says, ‘I’m really not getting that much out of devotional time.’ And
I jumped right on it, probably in a bad way, I go, ‘Dan, that’s because you are sleeping through
every prayer time that we have! If you’d quit sleeping, you’d probably get something out of it!’
And it caught everyone around the table so off guard that we just all busted into laughing! I don’t
know if anyone has ever seen what I call the laugh-cry, but it was my first experience that day
with it. I look over at Dan and all of a sudden laughter turns into crying and he goes from ha ha
ha to boo hoo and we all are equally stunned. The room just goes silent and we watch this ugly
thing in front of us. He is crying and, ‘I’m just so tired,’ and he realizes how weird this thing is
and while he is crying, he goes back into laughing, from crying to laughing and now he is
laughing again and we all start laughing. It would rear its ugly head again, he goes back from
laughter into crying. It was one of the most awkward things I have ever seen or been part of. I
don’t want to ever see it again. It was an awkward moment. Do you know that sometimes
awkward moments are good things though? That awkward moment led us into a conversation
about potential, about accountability, about what God had in store for our group and our
friendships. Awkwardness took us to meaning.
I wonder for some of us, if we are willing to dip our toe into the place of awkwardness in some
of our friendships, because I believe of us are an awkward conversation away from meaningful
friendships. I wonder if some of us are a prayer away or a prayer commitment away from
meaningful friendships.
Both Nina and I came to D.C. and we did something, we committed to prayer that God would
provide meaningful friendships. And it doesn’t stop there, then you act upon your prayer. But for
both of us, we looked back and we saw that God provided those things because we stepped out
and we acted and we prayed according to the Spirit of God. We should see potential, we should
speak potential into friendship, but it takes us to the point where we should also provide
accountability to achieve potential. We are talking about encouragement right now.
Encouragement is bigger than just saying nice things to someone else. Encouragement also has
to do with seeing potential and helping someone rise up to achieve the potential. And part of that
happens through accountability of brotherhood and of sisterhood and of us strengthening those
around us. There is a sense of accountability within friendship.
Exodus Chapter 17, we see Moses raising his hands up over the nation of Israel as they battle the
Egyptians, and as long as his hands are up, Israel is winning this battle, but his hands and arms
start to get tired and as his arms go down, Israel begins to lose the battle. So what happens is
Aaron and Hur come along side Moses and one gets on each side of him and each of them hold
his arms up so that Israel can win the battle and they defeat the Egyptians and they win this
battle, but who gets success in that battle? It shouldn’t just go to Moses should it? Success and
credit for it should also go to the friends that surrounded him. We all need friends who come
around us and who provide the ability to allow for accountability to raise up to our potential.
Accountability is not just to tear somebody down. This type of encouragement is not just to tear
somebody down, it is to help hold their arms up to achieve the blessing that God has destined for
them.
Paul continues to pour on the encouragement in verse 7
7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
Paul sees potential, he speaks potential, and here he raises potential. ‘I see your weakness and
that has no place in this building.’ God sees your weakness and that has no place in this house!
In fact, He gives you the opposite of your weakness. Scriptures say that you are made perfect in
your weakness.
The last Second Saturday Serve we had was last Saturday and we went over the other youth
detention center and we played basketball with the guys over there who are on their way to
prison. It was really cool because Tommy Wells, our Ward 6 Council member and another
council member came out and they believe in what we are doing over there. So they showed up
and they played ball with us, and Tommy was one of our five out on the court and I’m on the
sideline and Tommy gets nailed. He gets hacked hard, fouled hard in our game, and one of the
guys on our bench yelled out, ‘Hey, you can’t do that! He is a major political figure!’ and
everyone starts laughing and then the kid jokingly responds back, ‘Yeah, I know, but I’m a
convict!’ And the whole place goes nuts and we all laughed. But one of the guys on our team got
fired up later on. He said, ‘You are not a convict. I don’t care who defined you that way, I don’t
care what people call you, you are not a convict. What you have done does not define who you
are.’ And he said, that kid is going to go back to school and he is going to wear that definition as
a badge of honor, but he said that kid needs someone to come along and say, ‘You are a good
kid, you have potential for your life and I’m going to speak that to you, and I’m not just going to
speak it, I’m going to provide accountability for you to step up into the potential that God has
destined for you.’ 80 percent of those kids will not have a single visitor. I am the only visitor that
80 percent of those kids will have. Kids who have been left on their own, who have nobody. We
all need somebody in our life to see it and to speak it and then to help provide us accountability
to reach the potential God has given. You know what? You can be that person to somebody else!
Let’s step up! Let’s be aggressive in being loyal, in being encouraging and in being sacrificial.
II Timothy 1:8
So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with
me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God.
8
Paul doesn’t say to Timothy, ‘Get me out of this thing.’ No, instead he says, ‘Come on into this
thing.’ He invites his friend Timothy into suffering, into sacrifice with him.
My most meaningful friendships all have a major point of sacrifice. If you don’t have some pain
in a friendship, it is not a friendship. Growing up in our family, it felt like we were constantly
learning about sacrifice. My parents were really good at teaching us about sacrifice. Whether it
was not getting a brand new toy for Christmas or whether it was because we needed to give to
someone or whether it was giving up our bed so someone could stay with us or giving up of our
time so we could go help someone else, we were constantly learning about sacrifice. Was that
annoying? Yes! But it was this wonderful gift that my parents gave to us. They taught us that
sacrifice is a part of life and that sacrifice is a major part of friendship. That you need to be
constantly giving and sacrificing of your wants for those friends around you. As long as your
wants are number one priority in life, God’s are not.
John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
Are you laying down your life for your friends? How have you sacrificed for one of your friends
recently? How have you given up one of your own wants or desires or needs so that you can
meet the need or desire or help friends? True friendship turns selfishness into selflessness.
We see elements of loyalty, of encouragement, of sacrifice, and the fourth thing is mission.
II Timothy 4:8-9
…join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. 9 He has saved us and called us
to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace.
Friendship is not created on the intent of friendship alone, but on the idea that we have a greater
purpose. In my marriage, the worst of times come when we are focused on our own needs. But
when we are able to begin to serve together, not just serve each other, but serve others together,
we begin to realize that this relationship is not just about us, but we have been called in our
relationship to a greater purpose, to a sacrificial purpose, to a missional purpose before the Lord.
C.S. Lewis talks about the deepness that is created in mission together. I think about friendships
developed on our Jamaican missions team. Such an incredible trip, spending a week with 25
former drug addicts and murderers and killers and dealers, we saw the power of God show up on
this trip. It was amazing to see his life-changing power at work in the midst of this trip. We
showed up and it was a little stand-offish at the beginning. It was a little bit scary at the
beginning and then we got to hear the guys’ stories, and it was a lot scary after we heart their
stories! But it is amazing what sweating together will do. It is amazing what going on mission
together will do. So we took time that week and we and them, we took time to paint the center.
We went out together and we fed the homeless on the streets. We worked on a wall and we
accomplished these different projects together, and by the way, in the side times and in the
margin moments, we took time to talk about God’s changing power that can be at work within all
of us, and that is for you today. We were missional in focus. We did things together. One of my
favorite images on the trip was Davey Shepherd and David Cobb, the guys playing the guitar up
here. We had this moment on the trip where they were working on the sewage pipe, the sewage
line outside the center and it was literally held up by strings, so they were drilling holes into the
wall and putting this thing together, and I’m around the corner painting the center and I hear this
noise and then ‘Oh nasty!’ So I come running around and I stop about 20 feet away and yell,
‘You guys ok over there? You want me to go get somebody?’ And there is Davey and David
doing one of these things and the pipe had come loose and they had just gotten, well, you can
imagine the one word that they said! I’m just kidding. They didn’t, and I wouldn’t tell you if they
did. They are drenched, but I didn’t hear them complain once about that experience. I didn’t talk
to them for the rest of the trip either because they were disgusting! But you know what that
showed the guys though? That showed them that we are not just here to tell you what to do and
to tell you how to fix your problems, we are here to get dirty and to get in the middle of your
mess and your problems and we are here to do this thing with you, both in a physical and a
spiritual dimension. We could easily be just standing there saying do this and do that, same thing
in their spiritual life. We are not on the sidelines saying, ‘Ok, here’s what I think you should do.’
No, we are getting involved in the mess and the dirtiness and grossness of what life is.
Friendship is about dirtiness and ugliness and uncomfortability and it is hard and it is energyconsuming. But in the Scripture, God puts his fingerprint on friendship. At these moments when
people say, this is not about my life, this is about something greater than me, and they sacrifice
and they step into mission and they show loyalty and they being encouraging, God shows up in
those moments and He puts his fingerprints on those times and He blesses.
Hebrews 10:24
24
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds,
We have a calling within friendship and something happens when 21 of us here in D.C. who
barely know each other, go over to Jamaica and have this experience and come back and we are
best friends. It’s like we’ve known each other the whole time because something happens when
you take shared experience and you combined it with intentionality. Something happens when
you have fun and good times and you are focused to accomplish something and then you invite
the grace of God and the peace of God and the midst of the power of God. When you put those
things together, it is spiritual gunpowder. There is an explosion of the Holy Spirit within our
hearts.
I believe today that we are that close, we are an intention close to having friendship that is of
meaning, friendship that has depth. Don’t you desire that in your life? We can have friendship
but maybe it just looks like we go out for a drink every once in a while and we talk about surface
level conversations but there is no depth. Step into the awkward, step into intentionality. Take a
step out and risk yourself and that friendship, and when you do, God will bless it. God will come
along and He will put his finger on that friendship and He will do something new within you.
We have a great calling. Every one of us has been called to depth in friendship. Being a good
friend is part of our spiritual maturity. My prayer today is that we would grow in depth of
friendship and become the friends that God desires us to be to those around us. My challenge is
simple, take four things today, loyalty, encouragement, sacrifice and mission, take some time
tonight or this week, write down how you can apply those things and write down how you can
act on them in a friend’s life this week, then go out and do them. When you do, explosions can
happen.
Let’s take this to heart today and let’s stop complaining and let’s start praying. Let’s stop talking
about it and let’s start doing it.
God we are grateful for the people You have brought into our lives. Lord today I know there are
people here who feel a gap in their life, who don’t have friendships of meaning. Lord I pray that
they would have the courage to step out today, to step out of loneliness and to step into risk and
awkwardness and prayer, Lord, that You would give us the courage to become the friend that
You desire us to be. I just pray Lord as we this week try to apply your word, that as we are
intentional in our friendship, I pray that You would do something new within us. I pray that your
fingerprint would be on our friendships. And I understand that for us to see an explosion of your
purposes, for us to see an explosion of the Holy Spirit in our life and in our church and in our
families, in this city, God we have got to see your hand at work within our relationships. So right
now, God I pray that You would fill us the full measure with the courage, the power of your
Holy Spirit. We commit ourselves to these things and these purposes and we pray Lord that in
practical ways that we would do as You called us to do, to lay our lives down for those You have
placed in our life. In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.