Not So Grimm Fairy Tales
Uncontained Arts
Script, 2011
Not So Grimm Fairy Tales
Characters:
Page 1.
Not So Grimm Fairy Tales
Uncontained Arts
Script, 2011
JACOB GRIMM
(Mother/Granny/Mavis/Rapunzel/Rumpelstiltskin/Step-Mother/Witch 2)
WILHELM GRIMM
(Wolf/Harold/Prince/King/Hansel)
GARY GRIMM
(Little Red/Witch 1/Millie/Gretel)
Note: TOM THUMB (who is so small no one can see him expect under a magnifying
glass)
Prologue: The Woods
WILHELM:
It’s time! Quickly! Everybody’s waiting, come on!
Torches!
JACOB:
Torches!
GARY:
Torches!
WILHELM:
Ready!
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Not So Grimm Fairy Tales
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Script, 2011
JACOB:
Ready!
GARY:
Ready!
BROTHERS:
Ah… Oooh… Eeek… (Silly noise)… Oh no!
JACOB:
I’m scared!
WILHELM:
Me two!
GARY:
Me three!
BROTHERS:
There’s a story with a weally wicked wolf… “Howl!”
There’s a story with a man making gold… “Gold!”
There’s a story with a very smelly witch… “Raspberry!”
There are lots of stories waiting to be told.
Let’s go!
We’re the Brothers Grimm,
we’ve got stories to tell.
We’re the Brothers Grimm,
we know karate as well!
(Hi-yah!)
We stick together through
thick and through thin.
Me, you and him;
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Not So Grimm Fairy Tales
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Script, 2011
we’re the Brothers Grimm...
(Sound of a Wolf howling)
JACOB:
Oh, I remember you lot. Please to meet you. I’m Jacob Grimm.
WILHELM:
And I’m Wilhelm Grimm.
BOTH:
Hello! (Response) Hello! (Bigger response) Great! And this is...
(GARY has disappeared.)
JACOB:
Where’s he gone?
BOTH:
Gary... Gary... Gary Grimm...
JACOB:
Well, I don’t know where he’s gone.
WILHELM:
Me neither. (To the audience) Has anyone seen Gary?
(Response)
JACOB:
Have you seen him? (Response)
WILHELM:
Oh, no, don’t be silly, he’s not...
BOTH:
Gary!
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Not So Grimm Fairy Tales
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Script, 2011
GARY:
I was scared.
JACOB:
And this is our brother.
BOTH:
Gary Grimm.
GARY:
Hello! (Response) Hello! (Bigger response)
WILHELM:
We’re looking for stories.
GARY:
We’ve looked everywhere.
JACOB:
Upstairs...
WILHELM:
Downstairs...
GARY:
In your Granny’s underwear!
BOTH:
Shsss!
WILHELM:
And when we find them we catch them...
GARY:
Keep them...
JACOB:
Tell them...
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Not So Grimm Fairy Tales
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Script, 2011
WILHELM:
And make them not so...
GARY:
Not so...
JACOB:
Not so...
BROTHERS:
Grimm!
WILHELM:
Now, you’ve all been telling us lot’s of stories today.
JACOB:
Well, I’ve heard some fantastic stories from…
GARY:
Well, I’ve heard all sorts of stories. I’ve heard some happy
stories… (“Ah”) Some sad stories… (“Weep”) Some silly
stories… (“Raspberry”) Some soppy stories… (“Yuck”) And one
very smelly story… That was you sir!
WILHELM:
Well, “Name” told me a story but I can’t tell it.
BOTH:
Why?
BOTH:
“Name”.
GARY:
It’s a kid’s show!
JACOB:
Well, “Name” told me a fantastic story about a really wicked
wolf… “Howl!”
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Not So Grimm Fairy Tales
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Script, 2011
GARY:
Oh, someone told me that story too about a really wicked wolf…
JACOB:
“Howl!”
GARY:
And a little girl.
WILHELM:
Oh, I know that story, about a really wicked wolf…
JACOB:
“Howl!”
WILHELM:
A little girl and her granny.
JACOB:
Can you all howl like a wolf?
BROTHERS:
“Howl!”
JACOB:
I’ve got a brilliant idea! Whenever we say “wolf” you go…
BROTHERS:
“Howl!”
JACOB:
Ready…
BROTHERS:
Wolf… (With audience) “Howl!”
WILHELM:
That was good but let’s see if we can do it even louder now,
ready…
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Not So Grimm Fairy Tales
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BROTHERS:
Wolf… (With audience) “Howl!”
GARY:
Oh you’re getting quite good at this! Let’s have one more go.
Ready…
BROTHERS:
Wolf! (With audience) “Howl!”
GARY:
Very good!
WILHELM:
But what’s this story called?
JACOB:
It’s called ‘Little Red Riding Hood’.
Scene 1: Little Red Riding Hood
WILHELM:
There once lived a scrumptious little girl who was loved by
everyone. One day her Granny sent her a little red hood, which
she loved …
LITTLE RED:
I love it! Thanks Gran!
WILHELM:
She wore it so much people started to call her...
LITTLE RED:
Little Red Riding Hood.
WILHELM:
One day her mother said to her…
MOTHER:
Little Red, take this basket to your Granny.
LITTLE RED:
What? Take this basket to Granny?
MOTHER:
Yes.
LITTLE RED:
What’s in it?
MOTHER:
Cakes.
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Not So Grimm Fairy Tales
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LITTLE RED:
Cakes!
MOTHER:
And Calpol.
LITTLE RED:
And Calpol!
MOTHER:
(Tut! Tut!)
LITTLE RED:
Oh, Granny’s not very well.
MOTHER:
(Rant)
LITTLE RED:
Yes Mum...
MOTHER:
(Rant)
LITTLE RED:
No Mum...
MOTHER:
(Rant)
LITTLE RED:
Yes Mum... (Finding the scissors) But what are these for?
MOTHER:
To cut Granny’s toe nails.
LITTLE RED:
To cut Granny’s toe nails! Urgh! But Mum...
MOTHER:
(Rant)
LITTLE RED:
Yes Mum.
MOTHER:
Now Little Red, make sure you don’t wander off the path...
LITTLE RED:
I won’t wander off the path.
MOTHER:
Don’t talk to strangers...
LITTLE RED:
I won’t talk to strangers.
MOTHER:
And don’t pick your nose...
LITTLE RED:
And I won’t pick my nose. Bye Mum! (Kiss).
(LITTLE RED makes her way into the woods.)
JACOB:
Now, her Granny lived in the prettiest little cottage in the woods.
When she reached the woods she was spotted by a...
JACOB/WOLF:
Wolf!
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Not So Grimm Fairy Tales
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ALL:
“Howl!”
WOLF:
We said, Wolf!
ALL:
(With audience) “Howl!”
WOLF:
Hello.
LITTLE RED:
Oh, hello!
WOLF:
Where are you going?
LITTLE RED:
To my Granny’s house.
WOLF:
What are you carrying in your basket?
LITTLE RED:
Some cakes and Calpol; Granny’s not very well, they will do her
good. They’re carrot cakes.
WOLF:
Where does your Granny live?
LITTLE RED:
In the prettiest little cottage in the woods.
WOLF:
That little girl would make a tasty snack and I bet she’d be even
tastier if I ate her Granny for starters… See little girl, how pretty
the flowers are. And hear how sweetly the birds are singing,
listen... You walk along as if you were going to school. Why
don’t you look around?
JACOB:
Little Red Riding Hood looked around and when she saw the
pretty flowers growing everywhere, she thought...
LITTLE RED:
Suppose I take Granny some flowers; that would cheer her up.
But what did Mum say? Don’t wander off the path. Don’t talk to
strangers and don’t… don’t… pick my nose.
I’ll pick Granny some flowers, I’ll be really quick, they’ll make her
happy ‘cause she’s really sick!
WOLF:
As Little Red Riding Hood walked deeper and deeper into the
woods…
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Not So Grimm Fairy Tales
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GRANNY:
The Wolf…
ALL:
(With audience) “Howl!”
GRANNY:
Got closer…
WOLF:
And closer to…
GRANNY:
Granny’s house.
(The WOLF knocks on GRANNY’S door.)
GRANNY:
Who’s there?
WOLF:
It’s Little Red Riding Hood Granny. Open the door.
GRANNY:
I am too weak and cannot get up. Lift the latch.
WOLF:
He lifted the latch. The door flew open, and he jumped straight
into Granny’s bed…
GRANNY:
Oh I say!
WOLF:
And gobbled her up!
GRANNY:
Oh dear!
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Not So Grimm Fairy Tales
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Script, 2011
WOLF:
Gobble, gobble, gobble!
(LITTLE RED enters carrying some large flowers.)
LITTLE RED:
I’ve got loads of flowers, there bound to cheer granny up, oh the
doors already open (She enters) Granny it’s me, I’ve brought
you some cakes and some Calpol… Oh dear, Granny must be
very sick, I mean; look how hairy and ugly she is… Oh, Granny,
what big eyes you have!
WOLF:
All the better to see you with, my dear.
LITTLE RED:
But Granny, what big ears you have!
WOLF:
All the better to hear you with, my dear.
LITTLE RED:
But Granny, what horrible hairy hands you have!
WOLF:
All the better to hug you with, my dear.
LITTLE RED:
Oh but Granny, what big terrible teeth you have!
WOLF:
All the better to eat you with my dear!
LITTLE RED:
Eat me with?
WOLF:
Eat you with!
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(The WOLF chases LITTLE RED)
WOLF:
Come here!
(BURP) Well that was a tasty snack. I think I’ll have a nice little
nap.
(Inside the WOLF’S belly.)
GRANNY:
Oh, Little Red Riding Hood! You’ve come to visit me inside his
belly.
LITTLE RED:
Granny, he ate you too!
GRANNY:
Oh yeah, he gobbled me up in one. Gobble, gobble, gobble! But
what have you got there?
LITTLE RED:
Some cakes and Calpol to make you feel better.
GRANNY:
And what are these for?
LITTLE RED:
The scissors! I’ll make two snips, then two snips more and we’ll
burst out of his belly like he burst through your door. Snip, snip!
Snip, snip…
(LITTLE RED and GRANNY burst out of the belly.)
LITTLE RED:
But Granny, what about him?
GRANNY:
Don’t worry my dear; I know exactly what to do!
Snip! Snip! Snip! Snip!
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What do you think? Don’t I look like a ‘Trendy Wendy’?
LITTLE RED:
Granny loved the flowers.
GRANNY:
Oh, I love them.
LITTLE RED:
And quickly felt much better.
GRANNY:
You know what, I feel much better. And Little Red Riding Hood
learnt...
LITTLE RED:
Not to wander off the path...
GRANNY:
Or...
LITTLE RED:
Talk to strangers.
GRANNY:
Or...
LITTLE RED:
Pick my nose.
GRANNY:
But what you can do…
LITTLE RED:
Laugh at a wolf “Howl!” in his pants!
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BOTH:
Bye, bye, wolf! “Howl!”
LITTLE RED:
The End. I really like that story and you lot are getting pretty
good at your part too. Let’s have one more go, ready… Wolf
(With audience) “Howl!”
WILHEIM:
Why did I have to be the wolf? (With audience) “Howl!”
GARY:
Because you’re the biggest.
JACOB:
And the hairiest.
GARY:
And the smelliest.
JACOB:
And the…
WILHEIM:
That’s enough!
JACOB:
What’s next?
WILHELM:
Well, “Name” told me a brilliant story about a very smelly witch…
“Raspberry!”
JACOB:
Oh, someone told me that story too! About a very smelly witch…
WILHELM:
“Raspberry!”
JACOB:
And a girl up in a tower.
GARY:
Oh, I know that story about a very smelly witch…
WILHELM:
“Raspberry!”
JACOB:
A girl up in a tower with really, really long hair.
WILHELM:
Can you all make the noise of the very smelly witch?
BROTHERS:
“Raspberry!”
WILHELM:
I know, whenever we say “Witch” you go…
BROTHERS:
“Raspberry!”
WILHELM:
Ready?
BROTHERS:
Witch… (With audience) “Raspberry!”
JACOB:
Let’s try it again, but even louder ready?
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Not So Grimm Fairy Tales
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Script, 2011
BROTHERS:
Witch… (With audience) “Raspberry!”
GARY:
Very good but I think a few more mums and dads can join in too.
Ready…
BROTHERS:
Witch! (With audience) “Raspberry!”
GARY:
Very good.
JACOB:
But what’s this story called?
WILHELM:
It’s called ‘Rapunzel’.
BROTHERS:
We’re the Brothers Grimm,
we’ve got stories to tell.
We’re the Brothers Grimm,
we know karate as well!
(Hi-yah!)
We stick together through
thick and through thin.
Me, you and him;
we’re the Brothers Grimm...
Scene 2: Rapunzel
HAROLD:
Once upon a time there was a husband called Harold.
MAVIS:
And a wife called Mavis.
HAROLD:
And they had wished for a child for a very, very, very...
MAVIS:
Get on with it Harold!
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HAROLD:
Very long time...
MAVIS:
Finally, their wish was coming true. They were going to have a
baby.
BOTH:
Ah!
HAROLD:
Harold loved Mavis so much he’d do anything for her.
MAVIS:
Anything?
HAROLD:
Anything!
MAVIS:
Well, I really fancy some of those lovely vegetables in that
garden next door.
HAROLD:
Next door! But doesn’t that garden belong to the witch…
BOTH:
(With audience) “Raspberry!”
HAROLD:
I said, “Witch…”
BOTH:
(With audience) “Raspberry!”
MAVIS:
Don’t be silly Harold; she’s just an old lady.
HAROLD:
And so the husband did as he was told.
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MAVIS:
As husbands tend to do.
HAROLD:
In the middle of the night Harold snuck into the garden… Oh
look at all these lovely vegetables! I’ll just take a few and then I’ll
be on me way to see me lovely... Witch!
BOTH:
(With audience) “Raspberry!”
WITCH 1:
Ah-ha!
HAROLD:
Ah!
WITCH 1:
You! What are you doing in my garden? You were trying to steal
my vegetables weren’t you?
HAROLD:
No!
WITCH 1:
Yes you were!
HAROLD:
Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to... What’s that smell?
WITCH 1:
What smell?
HAROLD:
Oh, I think somebody’s been eating too many vegetables!
WITCH 1:
I don’t know…
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What…
You’re talking about!
Anyway trouble! What am I going to do with you?
HAROLD:
Oh, I’m sorry! I only did it for me wife. She’s expecting a baby.
WITCH 1:
A baby?
HAROLD:
A baby! And she really wanted some of your lovely vegetables.
WITCH 1:
Very well, your wife may have as many of my vegetables as she
likes but on one condition; you must give me your baby…
HAROLD:
My baby?
WITCH 1:
I’ll look after it and it’ll want for nothing. Especially vegetables!
HAROLD:
And if I don’t?
WITCH 1:
I’ll turn your head into mash potato!
HAROLD:
Deal!
WITCH 1:
Good!
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HAROLD:
So when Harold got home Mavis wife was so thrilled with the
lovely vegetables…
MAVIS:
Oh I’m so thrilled!
HAROLD:
That he decided never to tell her about the… Witch!
“Raspberry!”
MAVIS:
What was that?
HAROLD:
Nothing dear! Then several months later...
MAVIS:
It’s a girl!
HAROLD:
Harold...
MAVIS:
And Mavis...
HAROLD:
Were so happy…
BOTH:
Ah!
HAROLD:
You know what Mavis, I’m so happy, nothing could possibly go
wrong!
WITCH 1:
Ah-ha!
BOTH:
Ah! Witch! “Raspberry!”
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Not So Grimm Fairy Tales
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WITCH 1:
I’ll be taking that! (Taking the baby) A baby girl! But what shall I
call her? How about Tomato?
MAVIS:
Harold!
HAROLD:
Funny story – remember that night I took those lovely
vegetables...
WITCH 1:
Or Onion? No they always make me cry!
HAROLD:
Well, I had to trade our baby for them.
MAVIS:
What?
WITCH 1:
Rapunzel!
BOTH:
Rapunzel?
WITCH 1:
Yeah Rapunzel, that’s what I’ll call her. Well thanks for the kid
kids! Chow!
HAROLD:
So she took the baby away. Well, Harold was so sad!
MAVIS:
So was Mavis!
HAROLD:
They would never see little... what was her name again?
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MAVIS:
Rapunzel.
HAROLD:
Rapunzel ever again.
So she took Rapunzel to the middle of the woods and kept her
locked up high in a tower…
(Baby RAPUNZEL appears out the window crying.)
WITCH 1:
Come here you! Sorry about that!
HAROLD:
As the years went by Rapunzel grew into a beautiful young lady,
with beautiful long hair but what was more beautiful was her
voice. Listen…
RAPUNZEL:
La! La! La! La! La! La!
La! La! La! La! La! La!
WITCH 1:
Oh Rapunzel, keep the noise down and let me up!
RAPUNZEL:
You didn’t say the magic words.
WITCH:
Oh!
Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
high in the air,
Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
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let down your long hair.
BOTH:
Owe! Owe! Owe!
WITCH 1:
Right, here’s your lunch.
RAPUNZEL:
Is today the day I can come down from the tower?
WITCH 1:
No, maybe tomorrow.
RAPUNZEL:
But you always say that!
WITCH 1:
She wants to leave me!
RAPUNZEL:
No, please don’t cry!
WITCH 1:
I’ll be a poor old woman, all alone with me vegetables.
RAPUNZEL:
I’m sorry, maybe tomorrow then.
WITCH 1:
Good. Right then; going down! Brace yourself!
Right, I’m off to Tesco’s then! Chow!
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RAPUNZEL:
Oh, maybe I’ll never leave the tower...
La! La! La! La! La! La!
La! La! La! La! La! La!
PRINCE:
Golly! What is that beautiful sound, but where’s it coming from?
Oh it’s a girl up in a tower singing. But how do I get up there?
WITCH 1:
Left my key! Rapunzel, let me up!
RAPUNZEL:
You didn’t say the magic words.
WITCH 1:
Every time!
Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
high in the air,
Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
let down your long hair!
Key please… Thank you. Right; brace yourself! Going down!
I swear! I’d lose my head if it wasn’t super-glued on!
PRINCE:
Ah-ha! So that’s how I’ll get up the tower…
Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
high in the air,
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Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
let down your long hair!
RAPUNZEL:
Coming down!
BOTH:
Owe! Owe! Owe!
RAPUNZEL:
Who are you?
PRINCE:
I’m the Prince.
RAPUNZEL:
A Prince! Have you come to rescue me?
PRINCE:
Oh yes! I’ve come to rescue you!
RAPUNZEL:
But what about the witch?
PRINCE/
RAPUNZEL:
(With audience) “Raspberry!”
RAPUNZEL:
If she catches you she’ll turn your head into mash potato!
PRINCE:
Oh golly!
RAPUNZEL:
I know! Come back tomorrow when she’s gone and bring a
ladder so that we can run away together to your castle and live
happily ever after.
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PRINCE:
Oh, Rapunzel! I’m so happy!
RAPUNZEL:
Yeah me too! Bye!
PRINCE:
I think she likes me.
WITCH 1:
Rapunzel, it’s me! Let me up…
RAPUNZEL:
You didn’t say the magic words.
WITCH 1:
Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
high in the air,
Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
let down your long hair!
RAPUNZEL:
Coming down.
You’re alot heavier than the Prince!
WITCH 1:
The what?!
RAPUNZEL:
Whoops!
WITCH 1:
You’ve been having visitors. Well, we’ll soon put a stop to that!
RAPUNZEL:
My beautiful long hair!
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WITCH 1:
Oh, be quiet!
WITCH 1:
Oh what do you think? I’ve always fancied lovely long hair!
PRINCE:
Rapunzel, I couldn’t find a ladder… Oh! You’ve escaped! But
how on earth did you… Witch!
PRINCE/WITCH 1: (With audience) “Raspberry!”
PRINCE:
You’re not Rapunzel!
WITCH 1:
No kidding Princey! Now I’m going to turn your head into mash
potato!
PRINCE:
Oh golly!
WITCH 1:
Come here! Oye!
PRINCE:
Rapunzel! Rapunzel!
RAPUNZEL:
Oh, Princey!
PRINCE:
Oh Rapunzel, I’ve got her but how do I get you down?
RAPUNZEL:
Around her neck is the key to the tower.
PRINCE:
Okay!
What’s that smell?
WITCH 1:
I don’t know what you’re talking about!
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PRINCE:
Right Rapunzel, I’ve got the key, ready, catch!
RAPUNZEL:
I’ve got the key! I’ll be down in a jiffy!
PRINCE:
Okay! I’ll wait here!
RAPUNZEL:
Oh Princey!
PRINCE:
Oh Rapunzel!
RAPUNZEL:
Oh Princey!
PRINCE:
Oh Rapunzel!
RAPUNZEL:
Oh Princey!
WITCH 1:
Oh, get on with it!
PRINCE:
Oh, Rapunzel, now we can run away together and live happily
ever after!
WITCH 1:
I hate happy endings!
BOTH:
Urgh!
RAPUNZEL:
The end.
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JACOB:
I really like that one.
WILHELM:
What’s next?
GARY:
Oh, I know! It’s my turn! I’ve got a brilliant story all about a very
strange little man who can make it rain gold… “Gold!”
WILHELM:
Oh, someone told me that story too! About a very strange little
man who can make it rain gold…
GARY:
“Gold!”
WILHELM:
And a very greedy King.
JACOB:
Oh, I know that story about a very strange little man who can
make it rain gold…
GARY:
“Gold!”
JACOB:
A very greedy King and a Miller’s daughter.
GARY:
I think you all know how this works now! Whenever we say
“Gold” you go…
BROTHERS:
“Gold!”
GARY:
Ready… Gold! (Response) Gold! (Response) Gold! (Response)
Gold! (Response)
JACOB:
But what’s this story called?
GARY:
Oh, it’s called….
WILHELM:
Shsss! We can’t say; we will give it away!
BROTHERS:
We’re the Brothers Grimm,
we’ve got stories to tell.
We’re the Brothers Grimm,
we know karate as well!
(Hi-yah!)
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We stick together through
thick and through thin.
Me, you and him;
we’re the Brothers Grimm...
Scene 3: Rumpelstiltskin
JACOB:
There once lived a very, very poor Miller. He didn’t have much,
but he did have a daughter…
MILLIE:
That’s me!
JACOB:
Her name was…
MILLIE:
Millie Miller.
JACOB:
Now, although she was very, very beautiful and very, very
sweet, she did like to tell tales!
MILLIE:
Yesterday I saw this dragon the biggest dragon you have ever
seen and it tried to eat me but I just went “Blurgh” and it flew
away.
JACOB:
Millie!
MILLIE:
What? It’s true!
JACOB:
One Tuesday when Millie was telling tales...
Page 30.
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MILLIE:
I can make it rain gold!
ALL:
(With audience) “Gold!”
KING:
What? You can make it rain gold?
ALL:
(With audience) “Gold!”
MILLIE:
Yes! I can make it rain gold.
ALL:
(With audience) “Gold!”
KING:
You better come with me then.
JACOB:
The King led Millie to a great big room, pushed her in and said...
KING:
If you are as good as you say you are you will have made me a
very rich man by the morning but if you don’t, that will be the end
of you! Nighty night!
MILLIE:
What am I going to do? I can’t tell the King I was telling tales or
that will be the end of me. Oh, I’d give anything to know how to
make it rain gold…
ALL:
(With audience) “Gold!”
RUMPEL:
Hello!
Page 31.
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MILLIE:
Ah!
RUMPEL:
Oh dear Oh dear. What’s your name?
MILLIE:
Millie.
RUMPEL:
Why are you crying?
MILLIE:
I told the King I could make it rain gold.
ALL:
(With audience) “Gold!”
RUMPEL:
And can you make it rain gold?
MILLIE:
No.
RUMPEL:
Ah! Been telling tales have we?
MILLIE:
Yes. And if the king finds out that will be the end of me.
RUMPEL:
Never mind, I can do that for you.
MILLIE:
Really?
RUMPEL:
Really! Here. But if I do what will you give me in return?
Page 32.
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MILLIE:
My necklace?
RUMPEL:
Done! (Ping!) Right! This should be easy enough. (Shakes!)
Millie’s in trouble for the tales she’s told, so it’s time to make
some gold.
ALL:
(With audience) “Gold!”
MILLIE:
Oh brilliant! You’ve saved me. But I don’t even know your name.
RUMPEL:
My name is….
MILLIE:
The King’s coming, quick hide!
KING:
Look at all of this gold!
ALL:
(With audience) “Gold!”
KING:
But how did you do it?
MILLIE:
It was easy really.
KING:
Really?
MILLIE:
Really! I could do this all day long.
Page 33.
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KING:
Good! Then you’ll have made me some more by the morning but
if you don’t then...
MILLIE:
Yeah, I know; I’ll die!
KING:
Yes! But if you do, I’ll make you my wife. Nighty night!
MILLIE:
Make me his wife, urgh! But if I marry him that means I’ll be a
Queen! With a crown and everything! But first I’ll need the help
of that strange little man. (RUMPEL does not appear)
Oh no what am I going to do I’d give anything to make it rain
gold.
ALL:
(With audience) “Gold!”
RUMPEL:
What do you want now? I mean… how can I help Millie?
MILLIE:
Well, because you did such a good job last time the King wants
me to make him more gold!
ALL:
(With audience) “Gold!”
MILLIE:
And if I do it this time he’ll make me Queen.
RUMPEL:
Really?
MILLIE:
Really.
Page 34.
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RUMPEL:
Well I can do that for you. Here. But what will you give me this
time in return?
MILLIE:
I have nothing left!
RUMPEL:
Then you must give me the first child you have when you
become Queen.
MILLIE:
The first child I have!
RUMPEL:
You did say you’d give anything.
MILLIE:
Oh… deal!
RUMPEL:
Done! Well this should be easy enough. Millie’s in trouble for the
tales she’s told, so let’s turn this straw into gold.
ALL:
(With audience) “Gold!”
MILLIE:
And now I’m going to be Queen. Yes! But what is your name?
RUMPEL:
My name is… (Kazoo!)
KING:
Gold! (Response) Gold! (Response) Gold! (Response) I’m rich,
I’m rich, I’m rich… Oh, I mean, now I will make you my wife.
MILLIE:
So Millie Miller became a Queen! Brilliant! Time passed and
after a year had gone by the Queen brought a beautiful golden
child into the world...
Page 35.
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MILLIE:
They were so happy, in fact Millie was having such a nice time
she had forgotten all about oh... um... what was his name?
RUMPEL:
What a beautiful golden child!
RUMPEL:
I’ll be taking that!
MILLIE:
No! You can’t take him!
RUMPEL:
But we made a deal!
MILLIE:
Well I’m a Queen now, so you can just have all of the riches in
the kingdom and I’ll keep my golden child.
RUMPEL:
But I can make it rain gold.
ALL:
(With audience) “Gold!”
RUMPEL:
What do I want with riches?
MILLIE:
Wah! Wah! Wah!
RUMPEL:
Oh don’t start that again! OK! OK! If you can guess my name
you can keep your golden child.
MILLIE:
But it could be anything! I know I’ll start at A and work my way
through to Z... Is it Adam?
Page 36.
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RUMPEL:
No.
MILLIE:
Bob?
RUMPEL:
No.
MILLIE:
Callum? David? Or Ed?
RUMPEL:
No.
MILLIE:
Frank? Graham? Harry? Ian? James? Or Kyle?
RUMPEL:
No, none of them you’re not even close by a mile!
MILLIE:
Then is it Lewis? Or Michael? Or Noah? Or Ollie?
RUMPEL:
No, none of them you must be off your trolley!
MILLIE:
Phillip maybe? Or Quentin? Robert? Simon? Tim?
RUMPEL:
You should just give up, you’re never going to win!
MILLIE:
Urket? Vernon? William? Xavier? Yogi? I’ve got it! Zach?
RUMPEL:
No, none of them! You have one day!
Page 37.
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MILLIE:
One day?
RUMPEL:
I’ll be back!
MILLIE:
Oh no, what am I going to do. I wish I had never told tales!
RUMPEL:
Oh, I’m so happy! That silly old Queen will never guess my
name…But I’ll tell you lot. Can you all keep a secret?
(Response) Brilliant! Hit it!
My name is Rumpelstiltskin,
Rumpelstiltskin is my…
Stop! Stop! Stop! I think I’m going to need a few helpers…
Can you play the maracas?
And can you play the maracas?
Give them a shake…) Maybe not!
Can you play the maracas? Give it a shake… Brilliant! You can
have the hat. Right… hit it! Everyone sway!
RUMPEL:
My name is Rumpelstiltskin,
Rumpelstiltskin is my name
and the Queen will never know that,
oh, isn’t that a shame!
At long, long last I’m going to win
and the Queen will never know that
my name is Rumpelstiltskin.
Page 38.
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Let’s have a round of applause for our maraca players!
(Applause) And didn’t (she/he) look stunning in that hat? A
round of applause! (Applause) Right, I’m off to see the Queen to
claim her beautiful golden child. See you later everyone. Bye!
MILLIE:
Oh no, what am I going to do? I can’t think what that horrible
little man’s name is. If only someone could tell me his name…
(Response) If only someone or a room full of people could tell
me his name…
Rumpelstiltskin! Are you sure? (Response) Brilliant! You’ve
saved my beautiful golden child. I know, when he comes back
will you all help me shout his name? (Response) Brilliant! I’ll
count to three and then we’ll all shout “Rumpelstiltskin”.
Ready… one, two, three! (With audience) “Rumpelstiltskin!”
Perfect!
RUMPEL:
Hello!
MILLIE:
Oh, hello.
RUMPEL:
Right then Queeny guess away, and just to be nice I’ll give you
four guesses.
MILLIE:
Right… (To audience) Shsss… Is it Wilhelm?
RUMPEL:
No.
MILLIE:
Is it Jacob?
RUMPEL:
No.
Page 39.
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MILLIE:
Is it Gary?
RUMPEL:
No.
MILLIE:
Well, then it must be… one, two, three… (With audience)
“Rumpelstiltskin!”
RUMPEL:
And to think, I let you play with my maraca’s!
MILLE:
And so in the end the Queen…
KING:
And King…
MILLIE:
And their beautiful golden child…
Lived happily ever after
KING:
The end.
JACOB:
Well, I really like that story!
GARY:
I really like being the Queen… “Ah!” “Ah!” “Ah!”
WILHELM:
Gary! Give it to me… And the crown…
GARY:
What’s next?
Page 40.
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JACOB:
I know! I’ve got a brilliant story all about a…Oh no!
WILHELM:
That’s okay because I’ve got one all about a… Oh no!
GARY:
I think I’ve got one left…Oh no!
JACOB:
I’ve run out of stories!
WILHELM:
Me two!
GARY:
Me three!
WILHELM:
You know what that means…
JACOB:
It’s time to…
GARY:
Find some more!
BROTHERS:
We’re the Brothers Grimm,
we’ve got…
(They are interrupted by TOM THUMB.)
GARY:
Oh, it’s Tom. Tom Thumb! Hi Tom!
JACOB:
Hi Tom!
Page 41.
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WILHELM:
Hi Tom!
GARY:
What’s that Tom?
JACOB:
Wow!
GARY:
Really?
WILHELM:
He’s always showing off!
GARY:
Pardon Tom? Oh… (WILHELM get’s the microphone) Tom
wants to say hello to all of you.
TOM:
Hello everyone!
GARY:
Say hello to Tom everyone…
ALL:
(With audience) Hello Tom!
TOM:
And what are you doing?
JACOB:
We’re looking for stories Tom.
WILHELM:
But we’ve ran out.
GARY:
Do you know any good stories Tom?
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TOM:
What about the one with the weally wicked wolf?
ALL:
“Howl!”
JACOB:
We’ve told them that one already Tom.
TOM:
Well, what about the one with the very smelly witch?
ALL:
“Raspberry!”
WILHELM:
We’ve told them that one too!
TOM:
Well, what about the one with the strange little man who can
make it rain gold?
ALL:
“Gold!”
GARY:
We’ve told them that one too Tom.
TOM:
Well, what about the one with the house made of sweets?
JACOB:
Oh, someone told me that one about the house made of sweets
and the very greedy brother and sister!
WILHELM:
Oh, I know that one too about the house made of sweets, the
very greedy brother and sister and their step-mother.
Page 43.
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GARY:
Oh, I really like that story. But what’s it called?
TOM:
It’s called ‘Hansel and Gretel’.
BROTHERS:
Oh!
TOM:
Right, I better be off, see you soon! Bye!
BROTHERS:
Bye Tom!
(TOM THUMB exits.)
JACOB:
I really like Tom.
GARY:
Me two!
WILHELM:
He’s alright, but what was that story called again?
JACOB:
It’s called…. Hansel…
GARY:
And…
WILHELM:
Gretel!
BROTHERS:
We’re the Brothers Grimm,
we’ve got stories to tell.
Page 44.
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We’re the Brothers Grimm,
we know karate as well!
(Hi-yah!)
We stick together through
thick and through thin.
Me, you and him;
we’re the Brothers Grimm...
Scene 4: Hansel and Gretel
STEP-MOTHER:
Once upon a time, there was a boy called Hansel and his sister
called Gretel and they were not very nice children.
BOTH:
Step-mother... Oh, step-mother... Oye!
STEP-MOTHER:
Yes Hansel? Yes Gretel?
HANSEL:
Get us those biscuits!
GRETEL:
Now!
STEP-MOTHER:
But angels, you know eating too many biscuits is not good for
you.
GRETEL:
Get us those biscuits right now or we’ll... we’ll... we’ll hold our
breath until we turn blue and then everyone will say you’re the
worst step-mother ever.
Page 45.
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STEP-MOTHER:
Oh no! Anything but that! (They hold their breath) It’s not going
to work you two... Fine! But say please first.
BOTH:
Please.
STEP-MOTHER:
See, manners cost nothing.
BOTH:
Ha! We tricked you!
HANSEL:
We meant ‘please’ go away ‘cause...
BOTH:
U.G.L.Y. you aint got no alibi! You ugly! You ugly!
STEP-MOTHER:
Day after day they never stopped eating and as Hansel and
Gretel got fatter and fatter. Their poor step-mother and father…
He’s very shy, he doesn’t say much… Just got thinner and
thinner. Well, that’s it! All the food is gone. Gretel has even
taken a chunk out of the door!
BOTH:
Food! Food...
STEP-MOTHER:
Will they ever stop!?
BOTH:
More! More...
STEP-MOTHER:
What are we going to do? (Listening to father) You’re right, what
we need is a plan.
HANSEL:
So that very night when Hansel...
Page 46.
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GRETEL:
And Gretel finally fell asleep.
STEP-MOTHER:
Their step-mother and father plotted away a scheming plan
while no one was watching them...
HANSEL:
Or so they thought!
STEP-MOTHER:
What’s that dear? Leave them in the middle of the woods…
You’re right, it’s the only way we’re ever going to survive. Well,
goodnight dear!
HANSEL:
Leave us in the middle of the woods! Well, we’ll soon see about
that. I’ve got a plan. I’m going to leave a trail of bird seed right
through the forest. That way when the moon shines on it, it’ll
sparkle like gold… (With audience) “Gold!” And we can find our
way home. They’re not going to get rid of Hansel and Gretel that
easily! Wake up!
GRETEL:
Morning came. The sun was shining, the cocks were crowing…
HANSEL:
And Hansel…
GRETEL:
And Gretel were walking through the woods with their stepmother.
(HANSEL leaves a trail of bird seed as he walks along.)
GRETEL:
My feet hurt! Are we there yet?
Page 47.
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STEP-MOTHER:
Nearly.
GRETEL:
But where are we going?
STEP-MOTHER:
Into the middle of the forest.
GRETEL:
Why?
STEP-MOTHER:
Because that’s where all the delicious berries are.
GRETEL:
Good! I’m starving!
STEP-MOTHER:
Right. This is the spot. Stay here while I go and pick delicious
berries off the trees. Don’t move from this spot, do you
understand?
BOTH:
Yes.
STEP-MOTHER:
What did I just say?
BOTH:
Don’t move.
STEP-MOTHER:
From where?
BOTH:
This spot.
STEP-MOTHER:
Right, well, see you soon then. Bye!
Page 48.
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(HANSEL starts tracing the bird seed.)
GRETEL:
Hansel, where are you going? You heard what step-mother said;
don’t move from this spot while she picks us delicious berries.
HANSEL:
There aren’t any delicious berries! She’s never coming back.
GRETEL:
Never?
HANSEL:
Never!
GRETEL:
Never ever never?
HANSEL:
Never ever never!
GRETEL:
What are we going to do?
HANSEL:
I’ve left a trail through the forest, if we follow that we’ll be back
home before supper.
BOTH:
And then it’s pay-back time.
(They try to trace the bird seed.)
GRETEL:
Hansel, where’s the trail gone?
Page 49.
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HANSEL:
It’s vanished! Well, that’s the last time I ever leave a trail of bird
seed in the forest.
GRETEL:
Oh Hansel! Why are brothers always so stupid?
HANSEL:
Yeah, well, why are sisters always so stupid?
GRETEL:
Are not!
HANSEL:
Are so!
GRETEL:
Are not!
HANSEL:
Are so!
GRETEL:
Not so!
HANSEL:
Are so!
GRETEL:
What was that?
HANSEL:
It sounded like a really wicked wolf… (With audience) “Howl!”
GRETEL:
I’m scared Hansel!
HANSEL:
Me too Grete!
Page 50.
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BOTH:
Bubbles!
GRETEL:
Hansel look, it’s a house made out of sweets!
HANSEL:
The roof is marzipan!
GRETEL:
The door is solid chocolate!
HANSEL:
There’s lollipops!
GRETEL:
And gum drops!
HANSEL:
It’s all delicious!
GRETEL:
It’s all free!
BOTH:
And it’s all ours to eat!
WITCH 2:
Who dares to eat my... Oh, it’s children! Don’t be afraid children;
I can’t see very well. I didn’t realise it was a couple delicate,
succulent, plump... I mean… lovely children nibbling away at my
door. Wouldn’t you like to come inside? I’ve just baked a cake.
BOTH:
What kind of cake?
WITCH 2:
It’s a double chocolate fudge cake, with double chocolate fudge
cream filling, sprinkled with chocolate buttons; it’s delicious!
Page 51.
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BOTH:
Okay!
WITCH 2:
Nearly as delicious as you two will be!
BOTH:
Pardon?
WITCH 2:
Come inside and have a nice slice of cake.
BOTH:
Cake!
GRETEL:
Delicious!
HANSEL:
I’m stuffed.
GRETEL:
Me too!
WITCH 2:
Another slice?
BOTH:
Okay!
WITCH 2:
Oh, my chocolate chip muffins are ready!
BOTH:
Chocolate chip muffins!
WITCH 2:
Don’t go anywhere, you scrummy yummy things!
Page 52.
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GRETEL:
I really like her.
HANSEL:
Me too!
GRETEL:
She’s much better than that awful step-mother we had!
HANSEL:
Yeah, I mean at least she’s not trying to get rid of us or anything.
WITCH 2:
Ah-ha! You little brats are my prisoners now! You’re trapped
here and there’s no escape!
GRETEL:
Oh no! She’s got Hansel!
HANSEL:
But I don’t understand; you were so nice before!
WITCH 2:
Nice? I’m not nice, I’m a witch!
ALL:
(With audience) “Raspberry!”
BOTH:
Witch?
ALL:
(With audience) “Raspberry!”
WITCH 2:
That’s right! And now I’ve trapped you I’m going to eat you. Now
get in that pot!
HANSEL:
Me! You don’t want to eat me; I’m all chewy and grisly… Eat
Gretel instead.
Page 53.
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GRETEL:
No, eat Hansel! There’s much more fat on him.
WITCH 2:
Silence! I’m going to eat both of you! Gretel Now get in that pot!
This one’s going to need some pepper!
GRETEL:
The witch… (With audience) “Raspberry!” Just kept feeding and
feeding Hansel.
HANSEL:
And he got fatter and fatter!
GRETEL:
Every day she would ask him to stick out his finger so she could
check if he was fat enough to eat.
WITCH 2:
Stick out your finger!
(GRETEL passes HANSEL the spoon which he uses for his finger.)
WITCH 2:
Not fat enough!
GRETEL:
So she fed him more and more!
HANSEL:
And he got fatter and fatter and fatter.
WITCH 2:
Stick out your finger!
(HANSEL passes the spoon but the WITCH 2 pulls it from him and realises it is not
his finger.)
Page 54.
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WITCH 2:
What! You tricked me! That’s it; I’m having you for dinner
tonight! Gretel prepare the oven!
GRETEL:
Oh but don’t you think he’d be even tastier if we slathered him
with some butter first?
WITCH 2:
Fine, we’ll slather him with butter. But when I come back it’s in
the oven you go fatty!
GRETEL:
Right Hansel, I’ve got a plan that’s going to save our bacon!
HANSEL:
Mmm… bacon!
GRETEL:
When she comes back we’ll trick her into climbing into the oven.
HANSEL:
But how are we going to do that?
WITCH 2:
Right, here’s the butter. Now it’s cooking time. Gretel, prepare
the oven.
GRETEL:
But I’m only a weak little girl, I’ve never used an oven before.
Will you show me?
WITCH 2:
Oh, you useless child! Do I have to do everything myself?
GRETEL:
I’m sorry, but if you show me just this once I promise you’ll never
have to show me again.
Page 55.
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WITCH 2:
(Opens the oven door) You have to make sure it’s nice and hot
inside and has a good flame going like this one... (Going further
into the oven) Then you have to...
BOTH:
Hi-yah! (Kicking her into the oven)
GRETEL:
I knew that karate would come in handy!
WITCH 2:
Ah!
GRETEL:
Quickly Hansel, let’s get out of here!
HANSEL:
So Hansel...
GRETEL:
And Gretel…
HANSEL:
Ran as fast as their chubby little legs could carry them.
GRETEL:
They ran and ran...
HANSEL:
And ran and ran...
GRETEL:
And ran all the way...
BOTH:
Home!
GRETEL:
You know what Hansel, I don’t think I like sweets anymore!
Page 56.
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HANSEL:
Me neither!
GRETEL:
And it wasn’t so bad at home. I mean, at least they weren’t
trying to eat us or anything.
HANSEL:
I never want to eat another sweet thing again in my life!
GRETEL:
Me neither!
BOTH:
Deal!
STEP-MOTHER:
Oh darlings!
BOTH:
Oh step-mother!
STEP-MOTHER:
I’m sorry I left you in the middle of the woods. Your father has
never stopped talking about you. But dears, the most wonderful
thing has happened. I’ve set up my own bakery business and
named it after your Uncle Gregg. You two will never want for a
jam donut or a cream pie in your whole lives!
HANSEL:
And so in the end, Hansel…
GRETEL:
And Gretel.
HANSEL:
Got jobs working for their step-mother and everyone lived
happily ever after.
Page 57.
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GRETEL:
Apart from the witch...
ALL:
(With audience) “Raspberry!”
ALL:
The end.
WILHELM:
Well, I think that’s enough stories for today.
GARY:
Oh… Well, I have had lots of fun though.
JACOB:
I think my favourite story was the one about the really wicked
wolf…
BROTHERS:
(With audience) “Howl!”
WILHELM:
Well, I think my favourite story was the one about the very
smelly witch…
BROTHERS:
(With audience) “Raspberry!”
GARY:
My favourite story was definitely the one about the strange little
man who can make it rain gold…
BROTHERS:
(With audience) “Gold!”
GARY:
Gold!
BROTHERS:
(With audience) “Gold!”
GARY:
Gold!
BROTHERS:
(With audience) “Gold!”
GARY:
Gold! (The audience respond again)
BROTHERS:
Gary!
GARY:
Sorry.
JACOB:
I think they’re all my favourite stories.
WILHELM:
Me too!
GARY:
Me three!
BROTHERS:
There’s a story with a weally wicked wolf… “Howl!”
Page 58.
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There’s a story with a man making gold… “Gold!”
There’s a story with a very smelly witch… “Raspberry!”
There are lots of stories waiting to be told.
Let’s go!
We’re the Brothers Grimm,
we’ve got stories to tell.
We’re the Brothers Grimm,
we know karate as well!
(Hi-yah!)
We stick together through
thick and through thin.
Me, you and him;
we’re the Brothers Grimm...
we’re the Brothers Grimm...
We’re the Brothers Grimm!
Page 59.