Very nice start James! I know it doesn’t seem so with all of that yellow down there, but
it is a really good beginning. You’re thesis is a bit foggy. You will want to sharpen it up
before you start with your revisions. Once you have your new, sharpened thesis, always
keep it written down, in one simple line, next to you as you are writing. Use this
statement to guide all of your paragraphs. It will help you stay on track. Ask yourself –
“is this relevant to my thesis?” Also, while writing your summary paragraph, ask
yourself if you are able to back up your thesis. Ask yourself – “did I make my point?”
and if you can answer yes, explain how in your summary.
And last but not least, keep in mind that the yellow marks are college level. These are the
marks that any college student would receive. You are not expected to already know
most of this stuff. Okay? This is just a great opportunity for you to improve your writing
skills in a way that you don’t get in Jr. High and High School. So enjoy! 
Please email us if you have any questions!
Content (12): 9
Organization (8): 6
Language & Grammar (8): 7
Self Evaluation/Revision (4): not graded in draft
Total: 22/28
James Moes
IA#4 Draft
Parallel Characters
(need title for formal essay)
The (H.G. Wells’) Island of Dr. Moreau (comma)has many parallel characters,
(this essay will focus on )including Dr. Moreau and Dr. Montgomery. There are
many(parallel) similarities and (parallel)differences about these parallel characters.(Okay,
you need to make a clear thesis statement here. What is the point you are trying to
prove? That they are parallel and that is what created their downfall? Their parallel
personalities took different paths? What?) (new paragraph)The first similarity about
these two characters is that they are both doctors.(maybe start your comparison with a
short introduction to the book and the two characters you will be discussing) The reader
finds out that Dr. Montgomery is a doctor from, “You were in luck,” said he, “to be
picked up by a ship with a medical man aboard”, which is found in the second chapter,
page five. (for book quotes, “…aboard” (5). ) You (no “you” in a formal essay – if you
must refer to the audience, say “the reader”)also find out that Dr. Montgomery is a doctor
when Prendick finds out that Dr. Montgomery played out his medical chances before he
was twenty-one, and that is why he is living on the island.(make more clear and support
with text) Later in the story, the reader finds out that Dr. Moreau is a biologist… of sorts.
He is actually a man who vivisects, which is a form of biology. (clarify/expand –
remember, in a formal essay, you are supposed to be addressing an audience that is not
necessarily familiar with these stories or characters.)
One of the many differences between Dr. Moreau and Dr. Montgomery is their
opinions on vivisection. Dr. Moreau feels very strongly about vivisection. You(no you)
realize this, as a reader, when Dr. Moreau states, “To that-to the study of the plasticity of
living forms-my life has been devoted”, this can be found on page seventy-four, (need
correct quote form – see above)chapter fourteen. Even though Dr. Moreau feels so
strongly about the use of vivisection,(why? Give us details) Dr. Montgomery stills does
not feel strongly for it.(so, then why is he there?) Dr. Montgomery actually is in a state of
ill-concealed irritation during the chapter of: The Screaming of the Puma. .(so, then why
is he there? And do not use simply a chapter name, but find a quote within that chapter
and share that. Remember, your audience may not have this book on their lap to go
searching through chapters.) Another reason that Dr. Moreau feels so strongly for the use
(about the use, about not using?)of vivisection is that Dr. Moreau is trying to create a
more perfect human.(is he? Is that what he is doing? Text support?) Dr. Moreau
continues the use of vivisection because every time he creates an imperfect animal or
human, he believes he is closer to the answer. A final reason why it is clear to the reader
that Dr. Montgomery does not feel strongly towards the use of vivisection is that he
swears under his breath every time he, Dr. Montgomery, hears a cry of the puma. (this
sentence is way long and hard to understand.)Prendick(char brief) takes note of this in his
diary, while him and Dr. Montgomery are eating dinner. This takes us to our next point,
how Dr. Montgomery and Dr. Moreau feel after the vivisection has been done.
Another difference between the parallel characters of Dr. Montgomery and Dr.
Moreau is how each one of them feels about the beast people(Beast people are also a
character and needs a brief) after Dr. Moreau has let them go live in the huts, or wherever
that particular creature lives on the island. Dr. Montgomery feels that he should take care
and treat the creatures more human than Dr. Moreau treats these poor creatures.(not so
sure about this – like Montgomery, don’t they both feel that they are treating the beast
people as humanely as they can? Maybe they aren’t, but each might feel that he does.
Might this not be a point of parallel behavior? Both feeling they are doing good, even
though they are not? Remember, M’lee is put in a cage and Montgomery beats him.) The
prime example of this is M’lee. Dr. Montgomery takes good care of him, and since he
looks most human, Dr. Moreau even treats him like a human… most of the time. Dr.
Montgomery lets him live in a cage behind where Dr. Moreau, Dr. Montgomery, and
Prendick all live, almost as if M’lee has his own house. Dr. Montgomery would never
have M’lee live in a smelly hut with all of the other beast creations of Dr. Moreau. (but at
least the others are not slaves of Montgomery and do not get beat)Dr. Moreau fails to
treat most of these horrible creatures in the same respect that Dr. Montgomery shows
towards the beast people. Dr. Moreau actually failed to recognize the true form and
failure of the beast people, until Prendick made Dr. Moreau actually look at his own
creations. It was almost as if Dr. Montgomery actually was ignoring his own creations so
he would not realize the failure of his vivisections, which were his job that he had been
working on his entire life. Moreau actually only keeps these beast alive so that he
remembers what went wrong in them, and because they are his own creations, and are
close to his heart. These are the reasons why the reader can easily tell that Dr. Moreau
and Dr. Montgomery treat the beast creations in two very different ways. (off track, needs
examples and back up, find something parallel)
Even though Dr. Montgomery and Dr. Moreau treat the beasts in two different
ways, they both feel that order needs to be maintained on the island. The reader can easily
tell that Dr. Moreau feels order must be maintained on the island through “the Law”. The
law is as follows;(comma)
“His is the house of pain”(no quote)
(no quote)“His is the Hand that makes” (no quote)
(no quote) “His is the Hand that wounds” (no quote)
(no quote) “His is the Hand that heals”,(no comma, (61).) this can be found on page
sixty-one. When reading this keep in mind that this is not the entire law, only some of the
law that happens to be naming Dr. Moreau, or “His”. This implies to the reader that Dr.
Moreau created this law to keep the beast folk in control, to show that there is
punishment: “His is the Hand that wounds”, as well as rewards: “His is the Hand that
heals”. It is a little unclear to the reader that Dr. Montgomery feels the same way about
order, because he sometimes shows that he feels the complete opposite about order. Dr.
Montgomery shows that he feels the complete opposite when he makes the decision to
bring bunnies onto the island, thus giving the beasts a chance to taste blood and ruining
order n the island. The time that it can be concluded that Dr. Montgomery does feel the
same way about control is when Dr. Moreau brings to Dr. Montgomery’s attention that
the bunnies may ruin control on the island, Dr. Montgomery immediately realizes the
grave mistake.(not sure much of this is valid. You will want to rework some of this after
your sharpen your thesis)
As you can see by the information above, it can be concluded by the reader that,
though Dr. Moreau and Dr. Montgomery have many differences, they also have many
similarities, and that they are both parallel characters. (you will want to change this after
you sharpen your thesis)