PARENTING BASICS
1. Stay Future Focused – What can I do about this that will help create a
responsible adult?
2. Distinguish between “can’t” and “won’t” – One needs help and the
other needs discipline
3. Keep love and limits together – be emotionally connected AND strict
THINGS KIDS NEEDS TO LEARN
1. To Love and connect with others – don’t allow then to depend only on
you. Encourage then to expand their world to include nurturing relationships with
safe “others”. The aim is for them to be INTERDEPENDENT
2. To shoulder the burdens of life – take ownership of their own
behaviours, goals, problems. To do this they need LOVE, RULES, CHOICES,
CONSEQUENCES
3. To adapt to reality – they need to learn to handle grief, forgiveness and
acceptance. Life is not perfect!
Questions Families Ask
Q:
What guidelines do you set about dating?
A:
Dating is all about finding a life partner and that should not be taken lightly! Seems a good idea to
date someone with the same values as yourself. If faith in God is an important part of who you are,
then it would be difficult to live the rest of your life with someone who doesn't share that belief. A
good suggestion is to not date somebody exclusively unless you get to know them as a friend and have
a fair idea that their values align with yours. Go out in groups and be friendly with lots of people.
Keep your friendship networks wide and healthy.
Q:
What if you have spoken to a family member about drugs and they
ignore you?
A:
At least you have tried. Get some information/ support for yourself and may be work towards a
counsellor facilitated family intervention.
Q:
Two teenage boys in one room? Survival techniques?
A:
Establish a boundary, ie. a divider down the middle of the room creating personal space. There’s a
potential close relationship here! Sit-down and have a family meeting out of the heat of the
argument. A written agreement could be established between the brothers with equal input. Talk
about consequences for not sticking with agreement
.
Q:
How do you approach a teenager who back answers you all the
time?
A:
This can be an attempt at ‘independence’ but we are not into abuse so it must be addressed. Share
your feelings at being abused and discuss what we can do differently so the back-chat will stop.
Set some clear boundaries about the way you expect to be spoken to. No one deserves to be verbally
abused. Parents must also make sure they model respectful speech in the way they address their
teenagers. And spouses must always support their partner against the abusive behaviour of a
teenager.
Q:
What if you kids hook up with friends who you think are not good
for them?
A:
In a calm manner share your concerns about specific behaviours you have observed and listen to your
kid’s opinion. They may even agree with you. Be careful not to judge too quickly.
Talk about the behaviours that you are observing in your teenager rather than the friend eg ‘when
you hang around with ______ I see you becoming more aggressive. Do you think you are really a good
influence on each other?’
It’s important that your teens know that their friends are welcome in your home, even if you don’t
particularly like the friend. But set boundaries! Don’t let them treat you like a doormat or abuse
your hospitality.
Questions Families Ask
Q:
How do you cope with sibling rivalry?
A:
It’s normal for siblings to want to compete. Good-natured disagreement is one thing, but emotional
or physical abuse is NEVER acceptable and needs to be dealt with immediately. Recognise and
celebrate the individuality of each child. Spend quality time with the kids individually.
Q:
What would you do as a parent if your child confessed thoughts
of suicide?
A:
Listen, take it seriously and seek counselling and/or medical support without delay.
Q:
Should you let your teenager go to a party when there is alcohol
there and they are under 15?
A:
No! Then again after investigation and discussion some flexibility may be appropriate, eg. is there
responsible adult supervision?
I would always ring the parents to check. Your kids will hate you doing this but persist, as they will
often decide not to go rather than have you check up on the details of a party that they know you
would not be happy for them to attend.
Q:
How much should you push your child to do homework?
Should I be pressuring them or letting them learn by their
mistakes?
A:
Encourage as much as you can but don’t ‘push’ as they will just ‘push back’. Maybe talk about their
goals (not yours) and how they see themselves achieving this. You could also discuss anything that
may be hindering them.
A little bit of good old fashion bribery (ie encouragement) can be effective. Perhaps a special treat
could be offered if they achieve a study goal that they set for themselves.
Communication
Q:
What are effective ways to keep communication open with
teenagers who think it’s not cool to hang out with Mum and Dad
anymore?
A:
Enjoy your own life, show your teenager love and respect, do the best you can to have ‘normal’
conversations (rather than uninvited lectures) and accept this as a phase most go through. They
come back!!
Questions Families Ask
Q:
When a family is divorced, how can you keep the lines of
communication open?
A:
Circumstances can make this very difficult. Keep family rituals (birthdays etc.) if you can, write
letters or e-mails, keep in touch with positive comments and encouragement.
Deal with resentments, forgive yourself and others.
Values
Q:
What is the most important family value?
A:
Jesus answered this question – Love God and love others as you love yourself. This is the great summary of the
most important things in life. If we bring our kids up to love God, love people and love themselves, they are set
for life. Parents need to have this healthy love for themselves too!!
Q:
How do I establish my values into my family?
A:
Make sure your values are sound and then be a role model. (Remember kids are always watching) Have
discussions about what life is all about. If you say it make sure you do it!
Q:
How do I love unconditionally when children choose values that are
totally different from yours?
A:
You learn what unconditional love is and then do it, ie. love the person not the “different value”. Keep
remembering that God loves us even though we let Him down over and over again.
Q:
As a parent of older teenagers is it too late to do family values
stuff.
A:
No! It may be a challenge for the time, place and words but if you own and express the changes you
have made and what this has meant to you this could be a very positive time. Remember to seek the
views of your older teenagers. Your role should be moving to that of valued "consultant”.
Teenager Questions
Q:
If I tell my parents everything is it fair that they don’t tell me
everything, eg. Why were they crying last night?
A:
Your parent may have good reasons for not telling you some things. If you are concerned you could
express this to your parents. Teenagers (particularly young teenagers) do not need to become a
parent’s personal advisor.
Questions Families Ask
Q:
Why don’t my Mum and Dad want to spend time with me?
A:
I think it would be good to tell your parents how you feel if you can. Maybe the messages you are
receiving from your parents are not the ones that they intend to send.
Q:
How do you cope with manipulative parents who try to control your
life with their emotional agendas?
A:
Must be hard for you. Make sure you don’t get out of control yourself, to get out of being controlled
by your parents. Some counselling would help with this complex issue. Sometimes you just have to do
the best you can until you can be independent. But in the meantime, make sure you develop some
healthy friends outside the home.
Q:
How do you break parental control of your life in a loving way?
A:
Express your concerns to your parents by using “I feel …….” sentences. Set some firm boundaries
Q:
What are some good ways to repair a broken relationship with
your parents?
A:
It may be time to forgive as an act of kindness to yourself and to let go of resentments from the
past. Life goes forward; you could ask for some help with this from a counsellor.
Perhaps you could go on a “treasure hunt” for the good things in your relationship and write them a
about how you would like to be treated while continuing to express your love for them.
letter expressing those things.
Big Picture Questions
Q:
How do we keep a good balance between bringing our children up
surrounded by a loving supportive community, while not over
protecting them from the realities and issues of the world which
they will one day have to face?
A:
The fact that you recognise the problem, means that you are well on the way. As kids grow, allow
them to be exposed to the realities gradually, and talk about what they are seeing and feeling. Give
them perspective. The aim is for them to see many different ways of living but to freely choose
God’s way because it is the best and most satisfying. Ultimately, it’s their choice…you can’t do this
for them.
Q:
What do you do when your patience runs out with your teenager?
A:
Seek some support for yourself to regain your patience. Select the area of dispute carefully as your
teenager has more energy than you have. Take out the photo album and remember when you loved
them.
Questions Families Ask
Q:
At what stage do parents cease to be parents?
A:
Never! You adjust as times change. Protector ~ Coach ~ Consultant
Q:
At what age should the kids be responsible for their own actionsfinances, etc.?
A:
As early as possible; probably from the age of three. Finances will come a little later, say 7 in the
Q:
How do you let go of your kids?
A:
It’s a gradual process (not an event). You work out what’s their business and what’s your business
then you do your business and leave their business to them. Their business seems to increase as they
form of pocket money and a savings account.
Don’t just view responsibility as a negative…help them to enjoy taking responsibility for their life!
Expect them to continuously grow in their responsibility levels. Trust them with small things and
allow this to increase as they prove themselves capable. The aim is to produce interdependent adults
who can handle their own money, health, relationships, work and study practices with personal
integrity.
get older. It will help if you have a ‘life’ yourself.
Q:
How do you focus on the behaviour not the person when your adult
children are involved in inappropriate behaviour?
A:
It’s hard to separate the person from their behaviour; do your best to name the behaviour and
express your concerns about that behaviour. Reject the sin not the sinner.
Q:
How do I get my kids to receive the love I give them?
A:
Everybody has a “love language”- a distinct way that they tend to give love and like to receive it. The
“languages” are GIFTS, WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. PHYSICAL TOUCH, QUALITY TIME, ACTS
OF SERVICE. If your child loves to spend time with you, then they might be a “Quality time” kid.
You cleaning their room for them (an act of service) may not make them feel loved. This is a great
paradigm to learn about, not only for your kids but for all your relationships. Read more about it in
“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman or go to www.fivelovelanguages.com
Step-family Issues
Q:
How do I help my children deal with changing
relationships within my life and my ex-husbands?
A:
Communication appears important here! Keep your children informed, included
best you can. It would be good to listen to their views too .
and
new
and involved as
Questions Families Ask
Q:
In a broken home, who do I listen to- mum or dad?
A
If possible please listen to Mum and Dad. They may not always agree with you, (or each other!) but
maintaining a relationship with both seems important. Accept them as being different – not one
better than the other. If you are unsure of their advice, get some more perspective from a trusted
and mature person in the church community. A good church has lots of wise people.
Q:
How do
events?
A:
Invite them and make them welcome. Keep them informed about future family events and perhaps
ask for their input/help.
Q:
How do you be a good step-parent?
A:
Establish boundaries and be yourself. Encourage and nurture the relationship but remember you are
you
introduce
stepbrothers/sisters
into
your
family
not their biological parent.
RESOURCES TO HELP
Great courses run by Gateway Church- CONTACT SALLY ANSELL on 59715628
MAKING MARRIAGE BETTER – The greatest thing you can do for your kids is to know
how to do relationships well yourself – Starting Feb 11th, 2009
VALIANT MAN - Focusing on healthy male sexuality and how to guide your sons in this
area - Also starting in Feb 2009
KIDS WITH COURAGE – A program for primary aged kids held after school in local
schools. Empowers kids with self esteem, self expression, the ability to set safe
boundaries with people.
PARENTING FOR “DUMMIES” – Starting later this year. We all need some advice and
skills!
Great books
“The Five Love Languages for Children” Chapman and Campbell
“How to Really Love Your Teenager” Ross Campbell
“Tough Love” James Dobson
Questions Families Ask
A FINAL COMMENT
The foundation of all healthy relationships is LOVE, FORGIVENESS and COMMUNICATION. So
many problems could be solved if we just learnt to talk about what we are feeling in a controlled
way.
 The hardest things to say are the most important
 The hardest people to say them to are the ones most important to us
Ask God for COURAGE to speak out - for your own sake and for the sake of your loved ones.
Ask God for GRACE to forgive others as you would like to be forgiven yourself - for your own sake
and for the sake of your loved ones.
Note: These responses are based on the combined wisdom of many, many years of
enjoyable and challenging family life experienced by the leadership team at Gateway
Family Church. This wisdom is gained by applying the principles found in the Bible and by
learning from LOTS of mistakes! These responses are only suggestions, and should not
replace your own thoughtful decision-making processes. To seek further help from a
counsellor, please ring the Gateway Family Church office on 5971 5628 or email a question
to admin@gateway.asn.au
Gateway is a “Come as you are” church.
We are committed to help your family be all it can be.
You can find out more at www.gateway.asn.au.
Questions Families Ask