Draft
My mother
My mother who occupies an irreplaceable role in my heart,
is a 46-year-old farmer with long, black hair. She's 163cm or so
and a little heavy. What is worth mentioning is that my mother
rarely wears dresses. In her words, trousers makes it easier for
her to work on the farm. As to me, trousers makes my mother
more capable and experienced.
It seems that it’s hard for us to spot her in the crowd.
However, her characteristics are what really shines in my life.
My mother is diligent and willing to bear the burden of hard
work. In most occasions, she is the first person to get up and
the last person to go to bed. Owing to her hardworking, our
home is always clean and in good order.Little as she receives
education,she influence us by her own behaviours. Apart from
this, patience is her vital trait. Seldom can you see that she
loses her temper. What's more,optimism is her another nature.
Smile is the most often seen expression on her face, and she
transmits happiness to others.
In a word, mother is and will be the warmest word in my
heart. I'm proud of my mother. I love my mother.
Revised by the Group
My mother
My mother, who occupies an irreplaceable role in my heart,
is a 46-year-old farmer with long, black hair. She's 163cm or so
and a little heavy. What is worth mentioning is that my mother
rarely wears dresses. In her words, trousers makes make it
easier for her to work on the farm. As to me, trousers makes
make my mother more capable and experienced.
It seems that it’s hard for us to spot her in the crowd.
However, her characteristics are what really shines shine in my
life.
My mother is diligent and willing to bear the burden of hard
work. In most occasions, she is the first person to get up and
the last person to go to bed. Owing to her hardworking, our
home is always clean and in good order. Little as she receives
education, she influences us by her own behaviors. Apart from
this, patience is her vital trait. Seldom can you see that she
loses her temper. What's more, optimism is her another nature
of her. Smile is the most often seen expression on her face,
and she transmits happiness to others.
In a word, mother is and will be the warmest word in my
heart. I'm proud of my mother. I love my mother.
Revised by the Teacher
My mother
My mother who occupies an irreplaceable role in my heart,
is a 46-year-old farmer with long, black hair. She's about
163cm or so tall and a little heavy a bit overweight.
What’s
worth mentioning is that my mother rarely wears dresses. In
her words, wearing trousers makes it easier for her to work on
the farm. As to me, trousers makes make my mother more
capable and experienced.
It seems that it’s hard for us to spot her in the crowd.
However, her characteristics are what really shines in my life.
My mother is diligent and willing to bear the burden of hard
work.
my family . In most occasions, she is the first person to
get up and the last person to go to bed. Owing to her
hardworking, our home is always clean and in good order.
Little as she receives education, she influence educates us by
her own behaviours. Apart from this, patience is her vital trait.
Seldom can you see that she loses her losing her temper.
What's more, optimism is her another nature. Smile is the most
often seen expression on her face, and she transmits
happiness to others.
In a word, the term “mother” is and will be the warmest
word in my heart. I'm proud of my mother and I will love my
mother her forever.
Teacher’s Comments and Suggestions:
Obviously, the revised descriptive essay of a person is much
better than your impromptu essay finished in class. We can see
the clear writing purpose, the sufficient necessary information
and the proper organization. In the first part, the writer has
described in detail her mother’s physical appearance such as her
age, height, hair and her clothes. The second part focuses on her
mother’s nonphysical feathers such as her diligence, good
temper and optimistic character. In the last paragraph, the
writer made a summary. The suggestion I’d like to give you for
this essay is as follows:
1) Try to write a topic sentence before you begin to describe a
person’s physical and nonphysical features.
2) Try to use as many concrete and specific sensory expressions
as well as some similes instead of some general statement to
make your description more vivid and more impressive.
3) Ask your group to make a general comment at the end of the
essay next time.