This document showcases a real Comprehensive Editing Order as it was returned to the
client.
[Bracketed phrases] have been used substituted for the client’s name and other
identifying information.
This applicant is now enrolled in the Wharton MBA program.
Dear [client],
I like the structure you have chosen for this essay.
It is very simple—almost obvious—and yet
since there is so little space available to you, it is an effective way of moving quickly from one
accomplishment to the next.
I do not think you need to have two paragraph breaks in each
section, because the first sentence sometimes leads nicely into the next.
I will use fewer
paragraph breaks, but if you want to insert them again, you can do so easily.
As a whole, I think this essay could give more attention to the part of the question that asks why
you view these accomplishments as your most important.
It seems to me that some more
emphasis could be placed on this aspect in each case without taking too much space and I
have tried to reflect this in my edit.
I think that we should take great care to separate the first accomplishment (the formalizing of
the N-CEO rules) from the answer to essay 1 which describes the club as part of your
undergraduate experiences.
Eventually, these two essays will appear next to each other, and it
might seem repetitive to a reader.
Ideally, since you introduced the club in the other essay, you
would discuss this story briefly there and use a completely different accomplishment here.
(One that I think would be compelling could be your preparation for and success on the Korean
national entrance test—most Americans do now know how much energy Korean students
dedicate to the test and might be surprised by the size of Korea’s population—so I think this
could be an impressive story.
If you decide to use this strategy, we could then cut the detail
about the test from the other essay and simply say that you were accepted to the top university
in the country.)
If you want to use it, I think it should be cast either as a leadership triumph or
in some other distinct way.
I will edit this to try out the leadership idea, but you can decide you
want to change it or replace it and send me the new paragraph for review.
I think the second accomplishment may place too much emphasis on the fact that you were
able to earn an international assignment and not enough emphasis on what you did with that
assignment.
It sounds like your work there was important and very successful, so it seems a
shame that you only discuss it so briefly.
Obviously you cannot talk too much about the
technical aspects since your reader may not have the background to understand, but I think you
can do some more than you have in this regard.
This is a difficult addition for me to make, and
the word limit here is very restrictive, but if you choose to make an addition, send it to me for
another review.
The third accomplishment is a very interesting and personal one.
Since it is not a traditional
accomplishment for an MBA applicant (meaning it is neither work nor school related), I think you
need to put special emphasis on why this is so important.
Is it because you demonstrated that
you could excel in any arena, or possibly because your wife and friends get so much pleasure
from your music?
An answer like this would bring this answer together nicely.
I have
provided one in the edit for you to think about.
All the best,
Nathan
2. What are your three most substantial accomplishments and why do you view them as
such? (600-word limit)
My first accomplishment is to successfully set up identity and governing rules
of organization as president of a corporate strategy club in the college.
It was the fourth semester since the club’s foundation when I was elected as
president in 2001.
Until then, it had been managed at random without overarching
principle or written guidelines.
I believed, however, it needed a stipulated identity that
around 30 members can rely on to determine club activities, and rules that consistently
guide funds and organization management.
Although new members agreed with me,
most of founding members dissented from my opinion due to the perception that such
written identity and rules would harm family-like atmosphere of this new club.
It was
similar to the conflict start-up companies went through as they grew, but we could not
remain as a brand-new club for good, and had to prepare for the growth of the club.
To move forward with their supports, I made great efforts to persuade them into buying
my initiative by showing my passion for changes and explaining the necessity.
After
several days of massive communication at cafeteria at day time and through on-line
messengers at night, I could draw consensus to stipulate vision and values of the club
and establish fund and HR guidelines.
This allowed me to lead consecutive initiatives
to make a club logo and websites, and launch two important programs such as CEO
study and a volunteer program.
Thanks to this transformation work, I was reelected as president for the next
semester, and I remained as the only president who succeeded in reelection throughout
the club’s history.
Currently, the club, called N-CEO, is maintaining the great
reputation as one of the prestigious clubs in the college.
Secondly, I proactively captured an opportunity to work out of Korea when I
was in McKinsey, and completed the most critical analysis at a gas processing plant in
Malaysia’s national petroleum company.
One and a half year after I joined McKinsey, I was eager to have a global
opportunity I had been pursuing since my college years.
While senior Associates could
easily have chances to work in other offices, Business Analysts usually found it difficult
to have global exposures because they lacked a distinctive spike.
However, I did not
want to let go chances that I could have at one of the most globalized organization, and
started to communicate with partners in Seoul Office, emphasizing my quantitative
analytic skill which had already gained the office-wide reputation.
By searching for
the posts of projects requiring intense analytic works and continuously reaching
partners with the information, I finally got assigned to the project at a plant in the
countryside of Malaysia.
For the next three months, I worked on the important analysis on production
data to identify the root causes of the production loss.
all operating improvement programs.
It served as a starting point for
After getting acknowledgement from a senior
executive, my analysis became the most important part of client’s capability-building
programs and was rolled out to all plants in the company as a major KPI.
My third, but equally important accomplishment is my album I produced with
the seven original songs I composed and recorded in 2000. This was the tangible output
of my life-long passion for music.
I started playing the piano at the age of six, and have strived to excel musically,
as well as academically and professionally ever since.
I composed my first piece of
symphony when I was twelve, and in college, I took classes in harmony and computer
music.
The classes were highly demanding even for music majors, and the
consequences of a low grade would have been severe, but I managed to earn grades of
A.
Meanwhile, although I have always maintained a demanding work schedule, I have
endeavored to produce music that people would actually hear and enjoy.
In 1997, I
organized a rock band called Sally that performed an outdoor concert as part of Seoul
National University’s annual Spring Festival.
Finally, in 2000, I made a home-recorded
album, legacy of which continues to influence my life.
At my wedding on May 3rd, 2006, my wife’s friends performed a piece that I had
written in dedication to her. Holding my hands, my wife quietly shed tears.
Her tears
of joy were a great legacy that my album has left in my life.
Revised Version
Of all my academic and professional achievements, the following stand out as
particularly significant and personally meaningful accomplishments.
The first occurred during my tenure as president of the corporate strategy club
I founded in college.
For the 4 semesters before my election, the club had been
managed without any form of written constitution.
This was feasible while the club
was small, but recent growth convinced me that formal guidelines were necessary to
control expenditures and clarify officers’ duties.
Newer members of the club agreed
while founding members worried that the club’s friendly atmosphere would suffer, but I
was certain that we needed to prepare for the future.
I was tireless in my pursuit of my co-founders’ support; afternoons spent
lobbying in the cafeteria led to nights chatting online, but the effort paid off when I
finally established consensus.
With the values and procedures of the club solidified, I
led initiatives to adopt a logo, construct a webpage, and finally launch the CEO-study
and community service programs for which the club is famous.
I am still the only two-
term president in club history, and due to the structure I promoted, the club continues
to enjoy a prestigious reputation.
My effort to unite the group intelligent and
opinionated co-founders culminated in lasting value.
A second accomplishment that I hold dear came when I worked on an energy
project in Malaysia as a business analyst with McKinsey’s Seoul office.
Although
overseas opportunities are usually reserved for senior associates, I decided to pursue
an international experience after only 18 months.
I capitalized on my reputation for
excellent quantitative analysis and convinced partners that I would be an asset.
Before
long, I was assigned to a plant in the Malaysian countryside where I studied production
data and performed a variety of analyses to identify the causes of a recent production
decline.
The project was to be the starting point for a series of sweeping
improvements, and my contribution ultimately became the cornerstone of the client’s
capability-building programs.
It was eventually implemented in all company plants.
My work led to a profound change in the way a major energy company does business,
and I found the experience very inspiring.
A final accomplishment of which I am particularly proud is the collection of
pieces that I have composed as part of a life-long passion for music.
I started playing
the piano at age six and composed my first symphonic piece when I was twelve.
From
there, I went on to take a variety of classes in harmony and computer music in college.
The classes were highly demanding even for music majors, and the consequences of a
low grade would have been severe, but I nevertheless managed to earn straight As
while acquiring a new musical independence.
Meanwhile, I constantly endeavored to
produce music that people would hear and enjoy.
In 1997, I organized a rock band
named Sally that performed an outdoor concert as part of Seoul National University’s
annual Spring Festival.
In 2000, I played all instruments on a home-recorded album of
7 original songs that I gave as gifts to friends and family.
Finally, when I was married
rd
on May 3 , 2006, I arranged for several of my wife’s friends to perform a piece I had
composed and dedicated to her.
I was extremely pleased to see her tears of joy as the
piece was performed, and this moment solidified the importance of my musical
compositions.
I love.
Music is a personal pursuit that gives balance to my life and joy to those