The Seven Habits Of Highly
Effective Families
By Stephen Covey
Habit #1: Be Proactive
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose
our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness. We need a pause button that
we can press to enable us to stop between what happens to us and our response to it.
Habit #1 is the ability to act based on principles and values rather than on emotion or circumstance.
The ability to do this is based on four unique human gifts: (1) Self-Awareness - the ability to stand
back and observe our lives, thoughts, actions, etc. (2) Conscience - an inner voice that helps us to
evaluate what we observe. (3) Imagination - the ability to see something different from past
experiences or responses. (4) Independent will - the power to take action. Habit #1 is the key to all
the other habits - the power to choose!
We must learn how to focus on things that we can do something about. There are things that we can
be concerned about (our circle of concern) but there are things that we are able to influence (circle
of influence). We need to focus on our circle of influence.
How do we put this habit into practise? The Emotional Bank Account illustration is helpful. In our
relationships with people we make "deposits" (proactively doing things that build trust in the
relationship) or "withdrawals" (reactively doing things that decrease trust in the relationship). The
balance of trust in the account determines how well we will communicate and solve problems with
another person.
The following deposits need to be made:
1. Be Kind - using words or phrases like thank you, please, excuse me, you go first, may I help you?
Performing unexpected acts of service - helping with the dishes, kids, etc. Finding little ways to
express love - through notes, expressing appreciation, giving compliments.
2. Apologise - saying I am sorry. We must agree on the right to disagree - allow other people to
see things differently.
3. Be Loyal to Those Not Present - Not criticising or gossipping behind the backs of family
members. We must talk about others as if they were present. We should choose to focus on the
positive rather than the negative. When we talk about weaknesses we do it in a responsible and
constructive way.
4. Make and Keep Promises - Excitement and hope is created when a promise is made. Marriage
vows and promises to take care of children should be kept.
5. Forgive - When we forgive we open the channels through which trust and unconditional love can
flow.
These deposits are based on the three Primary Laws of Love (love that is unconditional): (1)
Acceptance rather than rejection; (2) understanding rather than judgment; and (3) participation
rather than manipulation. We need to view every problem as an opportunity to make a deposit:
someone's bad day is an opportunity to make a deposit; an offense is an opportunity to apologise
and to forgive.
Habit #2: Begin With the End in Mind
The second habit involves creating a clear, compelling vision of what you and your family are all
about. It is the principle of vision. The key is creating a family mission statement which is a unified
expression from all family members of what the family is all about and the principles that will
govern family life. We must decide what kind of family we want and then identify principles that
will help us get there.
There are three steps to follow in creating a mission statement:
Step 1: Explore what your family is all about
Get everyone's feelings and ideas out on the table. The following questions are helpful:
What is the purpose of our family?
What kind of family do we want to be?
What kinds of things do we want to do?
What kind of feeling do we want to have in our home?
What kind of relationships do we want to have with one another?
How do we want to treat one another and speak to one another?
What things are truly important to us as a family?
What are our family's highest priority goals?
What are the unique talents, gifts, and abilities of family members?
What are our responsibilities as family members?
What are the principles and guidelines we want our family to follow?
Who are our heroes? What is it about them that we like and would like to emulate?
What families inspire us and why do we admire them?
How can we contribute to society as a family and become more service-oriented?
In the discussion phase there are three ground rules: (1) listen with respect; (2) restate accurately to
show you understand; and (3) write down the ideas that are generated.
Step 2: Write down your family mission statement
Now you need to refine, distil and pull together the ideas into an expression that reflects the
collective feelings of all those who contributed. It should be viewed as a rough draft - as family
members need to look at it, think about it, live with it, discuss it and make changes to it.
Step 3: Use it to stay on track
It is the constitution of your family life. Habit number 3 will show how we can turn the mission
statement into a constitution.
A mission statement is valuable because it helps with parenting; with the setting and meeting of
standards; with the creation of bonds between family members; and with the keeping of marriage
and parenting vows.
When developing a mission statement avoid the following: (1) Don't announce it - everyone must
work on it and help to create it. If there is no involvement, there will be no commitment. (2) Don't
rush it - the process is as important as the product - it takes a lot of listening to one another. (3)
Don't ignore it - the mission must be translated into everyday living - so you must always keep it
before you, reflect on it and use it as a constitution for family life.
Habit #3: Put First Things First
The third habit is all about developing ways to turn the mission statement into a family constitution.
Although we may say that family is a priority in our lives, we often reveal by the way we live that
this is not the case. Why? Firstly, it could be that we are not really connected to our deepest
priorities. We are so easily driven, enticed or derailed by other things. The role of parenting is a
sacred role - when we are finished our career in the work place we will still be parents. Secondly, it
could be that our society is working against the family. Much has changed during the past 50 years,
including popular culture, laws, the economy, technology, etc. Shifts in the meta-structures are
dislocating everything. If we are going to prioritise family in the world today, we are going to have
to create structures that will help. There are two structures that are essential:
1. Weekly Family Time
We need a specific time set aside each week just for the family. The following things can happen
during this time: review the calendar for the coming week; discuss issues and problems affecting
the family (get suggestions and make decisions); have a talent show; shave a devotion or lesson and
pray and sing together. This covers the four main ingredients of a successful family time: planning;
teaching; problem-solving; and having fun. The time should cover all four needs: physical, social,
mental and spiritual. It could start out as just a family dinner together
2. One-on-One Bonding Time
The second structure to put in place is a time to be completely present with each family member,
each week. This is where the real work of family is done; where the deepest nurturing of heart and
soul takes place, where the most significant sharing, the most profound teaching and the deepest
bonding takes place. Husbands and wives need a retreat time where they can get away from the
children and plan their future. Parents need a time with each child where they create the agenda.
Covey uses the analogy from Seven Habits of Highly Effective People of trying to fit rocks, stones,
sand and water into a jar (in that order). Unless we get the rocks in first, we will never get them in.
If we put the advance prevention time into building relationships and investing in unifying and
organising our families we will spend less time trying to mend broken relationships, save marriages,
or influence children who are being powerfully influenced by social forces outside the family.
One of the best ways to do this is to organise around our most important roles - creating goals for
each role. We need to ensure that the roles of father/mother and husband/wife are clearly indicated
in our weekly schedules and see to it that we achieve the goals we have set for the week.
A powerful quote from this chapter follows: "The song that I came to sing remains unsung. I have
spent my days in stringing and unstringing my instrument. We're busy - incredibly busy. We're
going through the motions. But we never seem to reach the level of life where the music happens."
Habit #4: Think Win-Win
The fourth habit is introduced with an overview of habits four to six, which work together to help us
accomplish the first three habits. Habits 4 to 6 also build on each other: Habit 4 is the root - it is the
fundamental paradigm of seeking mutual benefit - the nurturing attitude out of which understanding
and synergy grow. Habit 5 is the route - the method or pathway that leads to rich interdependent
interaction. Habit 6 is the fruit - the end result that is not "your way" or "my way", but a "better,
higher way". Together these habits work together to help a family work together to create new ideas
and solutions that are better than an individual member could come up with.
While no one likes to lose, we often go into situation with a win-lose mind-set. The consequences
of win-lose on a family are devastating - in fact no one actually wins when this paradigm is
followed (win-lose bankrupts the Emotional Bank Account of family members; and results in
children who grow up unable to make healthy decisions). If the paradigm is lose-win the result is
co-dependency which is also destructive (if we use a lose-win approach we may be popular in the
short-run but will find that we have no standard or respect). Once we realise that both of these
paradigms are actually lose-lose, we will want to move to the win-win paradigm.
We will grow as a family when we move from "me" (a scarcity mentality) to "we" (an abundance
mentality). A good family or marriage require service and sacrifice. When we love another and seek
to live with a "we" mentality when we make a sacrifice we are actually giving up something small
for something big.
Two characteristics produce healthy, lasting marriages: (1) both partners stop being single at heart
and become married at heart; and (2) they care more about the health of the relationship that they do
about winning arguments.
Covey draws on Frederick Herzberg's motivation insights and says: (1) don't expect a lot of praise
and appreciation from children; (2) eliminate as many dissatisfiers as possible and (3) don't define
satisfaction for your children.
To move towards win-win in a family we should do the following: (1) Let children win in the little
things. (2) Interact with children around the big things. (3) Take steps to offset the competition
focus (stress that team work and co-operation are more important than beating others).
One of the hindrances to win-win living involves expectations that are not clarified. We need to
share vision, expectation and assumptions that will guide our family.
There are five elements in creating win-win agreement in our family interaction (Covey uses a case
study to flesh out these elements on page 192): (1) Desired Results - we explore with the person
what we would like to see happen. (2) Guidelines - we share guidelines for how they could
accomplish the task; (3) Resources - we discuss the resources that are at the person's disposal; (4)
Accountability - we place the onus on them to be responsible for the task; and (5) Consequences we explore consequences that will follow if the task is not handled correctly.
While to think win-win is at the heart of what family is all about, it can be an incredibly hard thing
to do when we are caught up in the emotion and the behaviour of the moment. We must pause
between what happens to us and our response. The key is to connect with the earlier habits: like
keeping our destination in mind. Also we will expert a powerful influence to bring out the best in
others if we act on the assumption that they are doing their best as they see it.
Habit #5: Seek First to Understand...Then to be Understood
The fifth habit opens the floodgates of heart-to-heart family living. Before we seek to influence we
must first seek to understand - ie. diagnose before prescribing. There are two primary causes of
misunderstand in a relationship: we interpret the same event differently and we define the same
words differently. Our different natures and backgrounds condition us to do this. If we could just
realise that there are differences between people, we could learn to take it into consideration and
adjust our expectations accordingly. We base our judgments on our expectations, so it is important
that we clarify expectations. So much of our interaction with people is based on pre-judice or
pre-judgment. We interpret all the data we receive in a way that confirms our judgment.
There are two aspects to this habit. The first, seeking to understand is crucial because when people
are yelling at each other, they basically want to be understood, but they are so emotionally charged
and disrespectful of each other that they react defensiveness and with more anger - a vicious cycle
that feeds on itself. It takes so much effort to repair the damage that is done through yelling at each
other, that it would have been much easier to practise habit #5 from the beginning - exercising
enough self-control and patience to listen first.
Probably the most important thing that we can do for our family is to create a warm, caring,
supportive and encouraging environment - in other words, a nurturing culture. This is difficult to do
because we carry so much negative baggage from our past and negative emotions in the present.
Not seeking to understand leads to judgment, rejection and manipulation, while seeking to
understand leads to understanding, acceptance and participation. When one person becomes angry
and loses control it wounds, intimidates, threatens and overpowers the other and they tend to fight
back which compounds the problem, or they give in with a win-lose attitude. To change this cycle it
we must go deep within ourselves and resolve to change the way we interact with others in the
family. We need to make up our minds to acknowledge negative tendencies, overcome them and
apologise to others for them. We need to learn how to express our anger in more productive ways
and we must decide not to be offended by others. As we prioritise family we realise that the family
is too important to let offenses keep members from talking to each other. Interdependence is hard
work. In the short-run it is easier to live independently within the family, but the real joys of family
are lost with independent living.
To really listen to others involves listening with empathy. There are five levels of listening: (1)
ignoring; (2) pretend listening; (3) selective listening; (4) attentive listening; and (5) empathic
listening. The first four are listening from within your own frame of reference, whereas the fifth,
empathic listening is listening from within the other person's frame of reference. Our role should be
that of a faithful translator - to translate and communicate back to the other person in new words the
essential meaning of their communication with us. This means that before we take a position on
what they said, we feedback the essence of what we have heard. This is to ensure that we really
understand them. It is helpful to ask questions to check for understanding.
The second half of the habit involves seeking to be understood. - sharing the way we see the world.
When we really understand people, it is much easier to communicate with them in a way in which
they will understand. A key part of seeking to be understood is giving feedback - caring enough to
confront. When we do this we must: (1) ensure the feedback is helpful to the person; (2) understand
the person and speak their language; (3) separate the person from the behaviour; (4) be sensitive and
patient regarding their blind spots; and (5) use "I" messages.
The real fruit of this habit, as with all the others, is when it becomes a consistent practise in our
lives, rather than using it sporadically.
Habit #6: Synergise
The sixth habit is the key to the development of genuine interdependence in the family. To synergise
is to create new solutions together - it is seen where one plus one equals three and not two. Habits
number 4,5 and 6 work together as follows: In order for a family to be interdependent they need to
have mutual respect for one another, by thinking "win-win" rather than "win-lose". Then they need
to listen to one another in order to truly understand each other, before they seek to be understood.
When all parties are at the point where they are open to be taught and find new solutions, they will
then be able to create new solutions that were either not possible earlier, or were not considered.
The key to synergy is to learn to value, and even more than this, to celebrate differences. Family
members need to believe that their differences are a strength and not a weakness in their
relationship.
Synergy is creative teamwork; creative cooperation. It involves creating something new that was
not there before and could not have been created if we did not celebrate the differences. The process
in which synergy works involves using the three habits (4,5,6) as well as the four human gifts:
self-awareness; conscience; imagination and independent will). It also involves using habit #1
where we create a pause between what we hear and what we say in response. Covey uses an
illustration on pages 258 and 258 to show how this works in practise).
When a family develops a regular practise of applying these habits they develop a healthy immune
system. It helps them to deal with whatever challenges are thrown at them. A problem becomes a
vaccination - where the immune system is triggered so that you never get the full-blown disease. We
can learn how to take a problem, a setback, or fatigue and turn it into a growth experience that
makes the family more capable of solving problems, of synergising. This healthy immune systems
will strengthen the family against four deadly cancers that threaten family life: criticising,
complaining, comparing and competing.
Covey stresses a second time in this chapter how that to function synergistically all the habits must
work together. They are not unrelated items that can be practised occasionally or independently of
each other. In our family we must be functioning proactively (habit #1); we must be living
according to our mutual mission (habit #2); we need to have one-on-one bonding times where we
build into each other Emotional Bank Account (habit #3). Then we will be ready to apply the next
three habits and develop creative solutions to problems that are mutually acceptable.
The following exercise is suggested to help a family through a specific issue that needs to be
resolved: (1) What is the problem from everyone's point of view? This involves really listening to
one another in order to understand. Make sure everyone expresses their point of view to their
satisfaction. (2) What are the key issues involved? Now you can look at the problem together and
identify the issues that need to be resolved. (3) What would constitute a fully acceptable solution? It
is now important to determine the result that would be a win for each person. Put all the criteria on
the table, refine and prioritise them so everyone feels represented. (4) What new options would meet
those criteria? Synergise around creative approaches and solutions to the issue.
This process will help people to focus on the problem and the desired end result rather than their
personalities and positions.
Habits 4, 5 and 6 used together is a powerful problem-solving tool. This strategy should be used
with everyday issues as well as potentially divisive and emotionally charged ones.
Habit #7: Sharpen the Saw
Anything left alone will disintegrate until it reaches it most elemental form - this is called entropy.
Unless we consciously attend to our family it will become disordered and deteriorate. We must be
making constant deposits into the Emotional Bank Account to just keep it where it is now. To
improve it still further we need to find more creative deposits that we can make. Covey draws on
the sharpening the saw analogy to suggest that we need to engage in regular family renewal, by
creating traditions that will grow the family. He suggests the following:
1. Family dinner - having a regular mealtime together is important. These are times of sharing
and teaching.
2. Family vacation - the family is renewed when we plan, anticipate and take a holiday.
3. Birthdays - as we create traditions around birthdays, we express love and affirm family
members.
4. Holidays - special days like Christmas and Easter can be used to develop renewing traditions.
5. Intergenerational activities - many activities lend themselves to larger family involvement.
6. Learning together - a shared interest should be found that family members can learn about.
7. Worshipping together - this could be at corporate worship gathering or in family devotions.
8. Working together - doing things around the home together.
9. Serving together - working on projects together bring meaning and fulfilment.
10. Having fun together - enjoying each other and the home environment.
These are activities that bond, unify and renew the family socially, mentally, physically and
spiritually.
Covey has one final chapter in which he draws together various insights from his different books.
Here is a summary of the chapter.
The 7 habits are all about pro-activity. A family functions at one of four levels:
1. Survival - here it is fighting to survive economically, mentally, socially or spiritually.
2. Stability - the family moves past survival and reaches a state where it is stable and dependable.
3. Successful - here the family starts to accomplish worthy goals together.
4. Significant - here the family is involved in something meaningful outside of itself. They have
a sense of stewardship and responsibility to humankind.
This is a movement from a problem-solving approach to a creating approach. To move a family
from survival to significance involves four family roles:
1. Modelling - what our children see in us speaks more loudly than anything we say.
2. Mentoring - this is building relationships, investing in the Emotional Bank Account. It is
letting people know that we care about them, and championing them. How do we do this? (a)
empathise - listen with your heart to their heart. (b) Share insights, learning, emotions and
convictions. (c) Affirm them with validation, appreciation and convictions. (d) Pray for and with
them. (e) Sacrifice for them.
3. Organising - the family must be organised if it is to accomplish what it is trying to do.
Effective systems and structures must be developed to help it accomplish what is truly important.
This reminds us of the family mission statement that we have set and the structures to realise our
mission, ie. things like weekly family time and one-on-one bonding.
4. Teaching - this involves finding teaching moments to empower family members so they
develop the internal capacity and skills to live effectively.
Covey speaks of principle-centered family leadership:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Setting an example of trustworthiness - modelling
Building relationships of respect and caring - mentoring
Aligning our structures to our mission - organising
Teaching empowering principles - teaching
The four basic needs of humans relate to the four roles and the four unique human gifts:
Needs
1. To Learn (mental)
2. To Live (physical/economic)
3. To Love (social/emotional)
4. To Leave a Legacy (spiritual)
Role
Teaching
Organising
Mentoring
Modelling
Gifts
Imagination
Independent will
Self-awareness
Conscience
As we model our family will see our example and learn to trust us; as we mentor they feel our
unconditional love and begin to value themselves; as we organise they experience order in their
lives and they grow to trust our family structures to meet their needs; and as we teach they hear and
do and they learn to trust principles and themselves.